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Atsumu doesn’t know how much time has passed since they migrated from another country, leaving the town, people he grew up with and what he grew accustomed to- behind. The beginning of an end - and a journey to start anew, that was his goal.
And he successfully did cross out the first and only thing in his list, and he was enjoying it - every single thing that was in store for them in this town. The team he plays and sets for, the sweets shop from downtown, the friends he hangs out with in his neighborhood. He feels that everything is in place, and he is contended with it, he really is - but there’s always this little voice inside his head, a small pang inside his chest, he doesn’t get to say it out loud but he misses home.
Home can be his family, but what he misses the most is the comfort of Japan and today’s nostalgia just hits him so hard that he went up in their attic for a short trip to memory lane (It was a good thing that he hasn’t thrown out anything yet for spring cleaning, or more likely, he doesn’t have any guts to throw out things that remind him of Japan, even on the little thing).
He blows away the dust particles that have been gathering around at the top of the box and gently opens it - and at the top of all his things was a familiar photo album, one that he treasures the most, one that he will definitely not forget despite seeing the background emphasizing the words — we don’t need memories.
He studies the photo and checks each of everyone's faces: some looking a little distracted, some looking a little detached, some not paying any attention and one that smiles once in a while.
He plans on checking the album later, maybe bring it with him to his room and maybe reminiscence about his joyous encounters when he was still in high school (from time to time), and he was about to go and dig deeper among his stuff when he was startled from a sound made by an object falling from the album.
A cassette tape. Since when did he even own one of those? He has a good memory, and there’s no way he’d miss something like this - if he was the one who owns it anyways.
He fiddled around the box, checking if there’s any cassette player that comes together with the tape, and surprisingly (not much), there is! How come he doesn’t remember owning one? Or is there a memory he tries so hard to forget, that he actually succeeded in forgetting it?
Queries can be answered later, right now he’s mostly curious about what kind of music he will be listening to once the tape plays. He inserted the cassette tape inside the player and pressed the play button.
“Hello? Hello. Wait, is it recording now? Oh, okay it is.” a familiar voice greets him, and suddenly it looks like he travelled back in time, because he imagines talking face-to-face with that someone.
“Hey Miya, I don’t know when will you even hear this- the moment you move in with your family to your new home, months later or maybe never.”
“Hey, Rin. I don’t even know what’s this about, but you planned this too much.” Atsumu chuckles, like he’s really having a live conversation with his best friend, Suna Rintarou.
“I’m guessing you don’t have any idea about what I’m going to tell you, so listen closely, Miya. Among your treasures - or dump, to be honest, it’s a dump, Osamu’s right, I was there when you were picking out things to bring, weeks before you left.”
“How come you still know my answer, even with the amount of time that passed by ever since, and we’re not even talking face-to-face!” He exclaimed. “Damn, Rin, you’re really my best friend huh?” saying those words left a bland taste inside his mouth, best friend, huh.
“Hey, are you still listening? Of course you are, I haven’t told you about what's the deal about this tape hidden in your box.” Rintarou laughs.
“Listen closely, Miya, it took me every ounce of courage to say this to you, even if I’m not saying this directly at your face- listen to every word I’m about to say, because here are the things I regret not telling you while you were still here, right beside me.”
Confusion is written all over Atsumu’s face, it’s like he has hints about what Rin is about to tell him, and at the same time, he doesn’t have any clue, not one bit.
“As far as I can remember, your presence - despite being annoying, is actually somewhat comforting yet infuriating, especially when you do the exact opposite of things I told you to, and I don’t even know when did realization hit me, but I just know I was a little too late to tell you everything.”
“I definitely don’t know when did I start seeing you in a different light, and I definitely didn’t know when did the urge to hold your hands while we’re walking side-by-side grew strong, but can I just say that I woke up one day, suddenly wanting to stay by your side, crossing that non-existent line, putting a risk on our friendship, just because there’s this heavy weight in my chest - each time I think of playing it safe, not risking anything and staying at the sidelines for the rest of my life.”
[ Atsumu, ya dumbass, ya really weren’t imagining things when you saw how Rin’s eyes would linger on you every time you weren’t looking at his direction! ]
“I’ve said that it’s infuriating when you don’t do the exact things I tell you to do, but I only realize this after thinking about the things I ought to tell you, I was doing the same thing you’ve been doing -- not even listening to your advice, being a hard-headed asshole, pretending like I didn’t have any choice, but I actually have.”
“I’m sorry, I regret not taking your advice. But hey, on the bright side, you were with me each time I made bad decisions, and so was I, to you.”
“I regret not telling the truth every time you asked me if I was okay, each time you reach out your hands. I know it was a silent sign to let you in and spend my worst days with you, but these walls are just too high, and so hard to break, that even with you - someone I spent my early stages and teenage life, can’t even come in freely, because of my personal issues.”
“You were so willing to help me out, while I couldn’t even give you the chance. And to make things a lot worse than before, I didn’t even get the chance to give you some tiny space, didn’t give you the chance to let you in bit-by-bit, because you were already going to leave in a week's time.”
“I’m sorry, and I hope by the time you get to hear this, I can finally open up my pent-up issues to you.”
“Y’know, I still got so many things to tell you, but maybe it’s just the petty regrets that makes the list so long.” he hears the latter’s tongue click.
Atsumu is left with nothing else but to be speechless from all the things that he has heard for the day, his mind screams that maybe he’s had enough processing information from what Rintarou was saying, but deep inside him, he had questions, tons of them actually, things like why is he only hearing these things now? Why not earlier? Is there anything else that Rin left unsaid? If there is, what is it?
“Oh wait, I’m still recording, I kinda forgot about that.” he hears him letting out a chuckle.
“I don’t know if you still remember this Atsumu, and I doubt that you remember it, knowing you and your alcohol tolerance, but for once, I wished you remembered what you said.”
“And it’s kind of unfair, because you were looking at me with those eyes, like you were lonely - like you were longing for something, or maybe someone for a long time now but - leaving the country, worsened your situation.”
“Miya, I don’t know if this statement was directed to me, and I’m not that dense of a person, but you told me that it broke your heart when you saw me smiling, after you told me the news that you’re moving out of the country with your family.”
“And it broke my heart when you told me that you were actually waiting for me to ask if you could just stay.”
“Asshole, why would you do that to your parents?” he laughs weakly.
“I’m not that worthy for you to choose me instead of your family, A.”
“And you’re an asshole for being a black-out drunk while saying those words while I was fully sober.” He doesn’t see him, but basing from Suna’s voice, he could see him smiling weakly, like he finally got something off his chest.
“I love you, Miya, for a long time now.” Atsumu stops breathing for a second. Did he hear it right? Or was his head playing with him?
“I love you, you heard it right.” Suna repeats himself, like he knows what Atsumu was thinking of, even though a lot of time has already passed.
“And I regret not telling you these words face-to-face, when I actually got a chance.”
There was a long pause.
“Tell Samu and your parents that I said hi.” and the record stops.
His mind took a toll for processing so much information today, but all he could think of right now was the one thing he regrets not telling him also.
Rin, I also regret not telling you that I love you, too.
And then Atsumu, finally breaks down - letting the tears that he’s been stalling to come out, stream down freely in his face.
I love you. I love you. For a long time now. I also love you.