Chapter Text
Of all the things I could fathom finding my roommate doing on a Friday night, scrolling methodically through FACEBOOK of all websites, wasn’t anything I could’ve predicted. I’ve seen many weird things as Ten Lee’s roommate, but this is definitely a new one. I return home from the store expecting Ten to be out clubbing with his friends, but instead the older boy is hunched over his laptop on the couch, whispering nonsense to himself. Not only is it surprising that Ten even HAS Facebook, but it’s a bit weird that the older seems to be looking only at the profiles of older men.
“Dare I even ask?” I put the bags of groceries on the counter, and groan when Ten doesn’t even spare me a glance. A devious smirk finds its way onto Ten’s lips.
“I’m man-hunting,” He explains, as if that helps at all. When my confused expression is left unwavered, Ten yields. “I’m trying to find hot guys.”
“On old people Twitter? Don’t they have dating apps for that?”
“Yeah, but I’m looking for a specific type of man.” Ten explains, eyes scanning the profiles of his potential love interest like a seasoned professional.
“I know I’m gonna regret asking this, but, what type of man?”
“Fuckable Dads,” Ten grins. “DILFs if you will.”
“You’re after Dads? You don’t even LIKE kids!”
“So? People can change!” I look at Ten skeptically. The Thai male has never been good with kids. I remember a few weeks ago when Sicheng brought his baby cousin to the dance studio. When asked to hold the baby for a few moments, Ten tried to hold it like a football. And when the baby needed changing, Ten had a full meltdown. So yeah, Ten liking kids all of a sudden is a little hard to believe. But I suppose after 3 years of the single life, Ten must be reaching new levels of desperation. I continue watching Ten filter through his dilf catalog, feeling a mix of confusion and fascination.
“Why not just use Tinder or Bumble? Yanno, like any normal person would.” I ask. Ten looks at him in disbelief, like the answer is so obvious.
“The dilfs on those apps are fakers! To find the real ones, you gotta think like a dilf. Get inside their heads,” Ten explains, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. “Facebook is basically the dilf factory. You can find the highest caliber dilfs on here.” Despite the obvious layer of stupidity, Ten’s logic seems… logical? In some way? I’m not really sure how, but it piques my interest nonetheless. At the very least this’ll be entertaining.
“And how, dare I ask, are you finding these men?”
“Friends of friends,” Ten supplies, scrolling through his friends list to find his next target. “Though my friends seem to know a disappointingly low number of dilfs.”
“Oh you poor thing~” I feign sadness, and Ten glares at me with sharp eyes. I laugh and grab the boy’s laptop, deciding I should take matters into my own hands. I click on someone’s profile and begin scanning for dads and daddies.
“How about Robert here?” I ask, showing Ten the profile I’d found. “He’s a firefighter.”
“Yeah and he’s like 50.” Ten makes a face. “And WAY too buff. I’ll be crushed!” I snort earning a slap on the arm from my roomie. “What else you got?”
I scroll down a bit. “Richard?”
“Sounds like a douchey white guy.”
“Ok… Chan?”
“7 kids?? No!”
“Johnny?”
Ten looks over at the screen in interest but ultimately shakes his head disapprovingly. “He’s too tall. I’ll look like a dwarf next to him.” I throw his head back in exasperation.
“You’re impossible to DILF shop for!!”
“I'M SORRY!” Ten screeches. “It’s not my fault your taste in men is poor.” I scoff in disbelief, giving Ten my most offended stare.
“Alright, find your own dilfs then!” I shout, shoving the computer back into Ten’s lap. As I get up to leave, Ten scrambles to his feet and pulls on my arm with pleading eyes.
“Please don’t leave! I’ll behave I promise!!” Ten begs, hands squeezed tight around my forearm. I smile in amusement, returning to his seat by Ten. We bicker back and forth for an hour, scrolling through the outdated website in search of cute men to date.
By the time dinner rolls around, we’ve slowed to a more lackadaisical pace, most of our hope lost after the lengthy time spent searching. Ten has basically given up on paying attention, his focus is instead directed towards the netflix show he and I turned on for background noise. He’ll throw a half-assed reaction my way when I find a new boy to review, but other than that, he doesn’t pay me or the profiles much mind.
I honestly don’t know why I’m still searching if the man I’m searching for is clearly losing interest. But I guess after an hour of surfing through profiles, it would be dissatisfying to finish without finding at least one potential candidate. I click on one of the last friends on Ten’s profile, a younger boy named Zhong Chenle. Most of the boy’s posts are written in Mandarin, though his location says he lives near Seoul. I then recognize one of the boys in Chenle’s pictures as Park Jisung from Ten’s dance studio. Ten often talks about the young boy, saying he’s a promising dancer and one of the sweetest boys in the universe.
I click over to Chenle’s friends list and begin the familiar search for dilfy specimens. At first the search is unfruitful, until a certain profile catches my eye.
“Hey Ten, check this guy out.” I call, drawing the other’s attention away from the show. I’ve pulled up the profile of a man around Ten’s age that Chenle seems to interact with a lot. His profile is mostly written in Mandarin much like Chenle’s.
“Qian Kun,” Ten reads skeptically. “Sounds dorky.” I stick my tongue out at him and scroll through the account.
“Holy crap this guy’s a facebook mom,” I laugh but Ten doesn’t seem interested. “No Ten you dick he’s actually a Facebook mom! Look!”
We let out full bellied laughter reading the post. According to his profile this guy is only 26, but he talks like a 40 year old mom! Clearly I’ve finally got Ten’s attention because he’s paused the show he was watching and he’s scrolling down the profile gleefully, even if for reasons I hadn’t intended.
“Oh my god Yangs he has 3 kids!” Ten exclaims, giggling at the posts he’s reading. “This poor guy must be so exhausted.”
“Apparently they all call him mom.” Ten reads. I read along and laugh at the outdated memes. I watch as this guy exchanges banana bread recipes with “Susan”. He really is a 40 year old trapped in a 26 year old’s body. He’d got the dad element of dilfism on lock, and even though he doesn’t seem fuckable by Ten’s standards, at least my roomie is having fun reading this guy’s posts.
“Ten he doesn’t actually have kids!! He must be the mom of his friend group or something,” I screech excitedly, shaking Ten’s shoulders. “There’s hope for him yet!” The older scoffs.
“PLEASE Yang, you read this guy’s posts! He’s probably just as unattractive as the rest.” As Ten says that, I notice a certain post during my scrolling that might prove Ten wrong.
“You sure about that?”
Ten rolls his eyes but I hear him audibly gulp and I know I’ve got him.
Where the first picture failed to rattle Ten, the second one sure did its fair share of damage.
“Holy shit,” He whispers breathlessly, snatching the laptop to get a better look. It’s a win for the gays, I think to myself with a smirk.
“Holy shit Yangs, holy SHIT.”
“I know.”
“He’s a DILF. Like an ACTUAL dilf!!”
“I’m aware.”
“We finally caught one! We did it!!”
“Ten I’m looking at the same screen as you!” I shout to prevent the older from having another outburst. “And we haven’t caught anything! You haven’t friended him OR messaged him so get to it!!”
Ten recoils like I’ve spilt hot coffee on him or something. “You want me to talk to him? That’s crazy!! That’s suicide!!!”
“Ok then tell me genius, what’s your master plan for securing the dilf?” Ten opens his mouth to retort but it falls flat. He’s once again rendered speechless by my ability to have a brain cell. I give him an “I told you so” look and he pouts like a 5 year old.
“Shut uppppp ok? I don’t have a plan! But I’ll make him mine. You’ll see!”
This oughta be fun.