Work Text:
Jiang Cheng jerks awake when the door to his room is flung open. He blinks against the dark, his blanket still safely over his head, and even though there’s the tiniest spark of anger that someone dared to barge into his room like that, he can’t sustain it.
It’s so much easier to simply lay here, just like that.
“Jiang Wanyin!” Nie Huaisang says, and just by his tone Jiang Cheng can tell that he’s mad.
Really mad. Room-worthy mad.
It’s still not enough to get Jiang Cheng to move.
“What?” he gets out at least, though he’s not even sure if Nie Huaisang can hear him, buried under his blanket as he is.
“What ‘what’? You were supposed to help me with my project and instead you’re still sleeping? What is going on?” Nie Huaisang demands to know and now the spark of anger comes back.
“We were supposed to talk about your project this afternoon, so what the fuck do you want now?” Jiang Cheng snaps out, angry enough to push the blanket down, even though it’s not quite enough to sit up and face Nie Huaisang.
“It is afternoon,” Nie Huaisang hisses and Jiang Cheng freezes.
He just woke up. He woke up, saw that it was too early to be awake on a Saturday morning and just closed his eyes for a moment. He didn’t even properly sleep, he’s sure of that, so how can it already be afternoon.
“Well, maybe I decided I don’t want to help you,” Jiang Cheng says, meaner than he really means to, but his voice is shaking and his mind is whirring and he doesn’t know how to be anything else anyways.
“You’re a real asshole,” Nie Huaisang says, and just the fact that there is no anger in his voice let’s Jiang Cheng know just how truly angry he really is.
He’ll probably have to go back to the room with Nie Huaisang later and just the thought of that makes Jiang Cheng want to cry.
“Go away,” Jiang Cheng says, even though there’s some nagging guilt in his stomach, because he did promise Nie Huaisang to help him, and he had every intention do to so, but just the thought of getting up and doing actual things and having to talk to people is exhausting enough that Jiang Cheng sinks back into his bed and pulls his blanket up again.
He feels like his thoughts should be running like crazy, but all he can manage is a weary exhaustion because this was inevitable, wasn’t it?
Of course his depression would come back with a vengeance, just when he thought everything was going well again.
He still could be wrong about this, too, but in hindsight everything makes sense. His listlessness to do anything—even the things he loves—and his bad mood of course, followed by bouts of fighting back tears. His exhaustion at having to talk to people—of having to do literally anything—and his inability to sleep; it all makes sense.
“Fuck,” Jiang Cheng mutters and presses his eyes closed as hot tears slide down his cheeks.
And he was doing so well, too; he’s going to classes he actually likes, this house feels more like home than anything else, and the Nie’s were starting to feel like a real family.
It makes no sense for Jiang Cheng to fall back into this and he hates himself for still doing it.
He startles again when there’s a knock at his door and this time he fishes for his phone to check the time before someone can catch him off-guard again.
He lost another hour.
Fuck.
“Can I come in?” Nie Mingjue asks him and Jiang Cheng tenses.
He’s here because Nie Huaisang told him what he said. He’s here to scold Jiang Cheng and he feels like crying just thinking about that but he can’t send Nie Mingjue away either, because then he’ll be mad and it’s already bad enough that Nie Huaisang is mad at him.
The thoughts make Jiang Cheng freeze, unable to do or say anything, and Nie Mingjue has to knock a second time.
“Wanyin?” he asks and now he sounds worried, which Jiang Cheng never wanted and doesn’t deserve and it’s enough to make him sob.
“I’m coming in,” Nie Mingjue decides, because clearly he must have heard Jiang Cheng.
Jiang Cheng can’t find it in him to face Nie Mingjue, so he continues to lay in his bed with his back to the room. It’s easier like that. He can’t see the disappointment on Nie Mingjue’s face like that.
“Wanyin, what’s going on?” Nie Mingjue asks, and his voice is soft as he sits down on Jiang Cheng’s chair at his desk.
“Nothing,” Jiang Cheng gets out, though he still sounds choked up and there’s no doubt in the world that he has been crying.
“There’s no need to lie to me. Something is going on.”
“And what if it is?” Jiang Cheng snaps out even though his voice still wobbles.
“Won’t you tell us? It’s not like you to snap at Huaisang like that.”
“Maybe you just don’t know me,” Jiang Cheng gives back, because it’s easier than admitting to what is really wrong with him.
“I know you well enough to know that you wouldn’t go back on your word like that. If you truly did not want to help him, then you would have said so earlier. And it’s not like you to miss a meeting or appointment either. So what is going on?”
Jiang Cheng let’s his words wash over him, staring blankly at the wall in front of him, but just Nie Mingjue’s tone is enough to bring tears to his eyes again.
He doesn’t deserve this kindness; for once there’s nothing wrong in his life and there is absolutely no reason why his depression should come back at this moment.
It’s not fair.
“Nothing is going on,” Jiang Cheng finally gets out, and he hates, hates how emotional he is, because he’s crying again.
Or maybe he never stopped, he’s not even sure anymore.
“Do you want to talk to someone else? Should I get Xuanyu or your sister maybe?” Nie Mingjue asks and Jiang Cheng shakes his head.
The thought of his siblings makes guilt sink into his gut again, because he hasn’t checked his phone since yesterday, finding every kind of interaction too draining to even read the messages they surely have sent him.
The thought that he disappointed them on top of everything else is so crippling that Jiang Cheng smashes his face into his pillow and then simply stays there.
It’s easier not to do anything, because even more crying feels like too much of a strain at the moment.
“I’ll come back with dinner,” Nie Mingjue says after a long while and Jiang Cheng doesn’t react to his words.
He doesn’t feel like eating at all, but he wants to tell Nie Mingjue that even less, so he simply stays where he is.
Once he’s gone, Jiang Cheng turns onto his back, staring at the ceiling.
There are a thousand things he should do, and like a hundred he could do, but just thinking about doing anything is exhausting and Jiang Cheng doesn’t manage to move a muscle. He stays on his back, staring at nothing until Nie Mingjue comes back.
“I brought dinner,” he says, putting a plate on Jiang Cheng’s desk, but Jiang Cheng only blinks.
“I’m not hungry,” he gives back and finds that it’s true. He hasn’t eaten at all today, but his stomach doesn’t make a single sound, not even when the smell of the food hits him.
Fuck. He’s really deep in already.
“Wanyin, please. Just talk to me. We can figure out whatever is going on,” Nie Mingjue tries after a long moment and Jiang Cheng sighs before he heaves himself up.
He doesn’t remember sitting to be this exhausting.
“What’s wrong?” Nie Mingjue asks him again when Jiang Cheng doesn’t say anything and Jiang Cheng hates to see the worry on Nie Mingjue’s face.
Jiang Cheng is surprised to find that he hates worrying Nie Mingjue so much, that he actually thinks about telling Nie Mingjue everything and he knows he will when Nie Mingjue just patiently waits for him to answer.
“I’m prone to depression,” Jiang Cheng eventually forces out. “It’s happened in the past and I think it’s what’s going on now,” he says and he can’t quite meet Nie Mingjue’s eyes.
He would hate to see the same disappointment and disinterest that he saw in his parents the first time around.
“Okay,” Nie Mingjue says and comes over to sit at the edge of Jiang Cheng’s bed. “What do we do?” he asks him and it’s surprising enough that Jiang Cheng bursts into tears again.
He’s so sick and tired of crying.
“Can I hug you?” Nie Mingjue asks and Jiang Cheng is sobbing too hard to answer him, so he leans closer and hopes that Nie Mingjue understands his meaning.
Luckily he does, because strong arms come around Jiang Cheng’s shoulders and then he’s being pressed to Nie Mingjue’s chest and just being held like this helps immensely somehow.
“I’m sorry,” Jiang Cheng finally chokes out when he calmed down a bit and he feels how Nie Mingjue shakes his head.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” he immediately says and pushes Jiang Cheng away. “There is nothing you have to apologize for.”
“I should probably apologize to Huaisang,” Jiang Cheng sniffles because he was rather mean, and Nie Mingjue gives him a wry smile.
“Is a bad temper a symptom too?”
“I guess,” Jiang Cheng says with a shrug. “It’s usually listed on the internet.”
“On the internet,” Nie Mingjue repeats. “You said you had it before? Did you not get proper help?” he wants to know but Jiang Cheng can tell that he knows the answer before he even finishes his question.
“My parents, they—at first they thought it was something physical because I wasn’t eating right and I wasn’t sleeping much either. They yelled at me in the beginning but then my grades started to slip,” Jiang Cheng confesses and he looks at his hands rather than at Nie Mingjue directly.
It’s easier that way.
“That’s when they figured that something must be really wrong with me and they dragged me to a doctor. He did a check-up but couldn’t find a physical reason for it so he suggested that I should see a psychologist.”
“Your parents didn’t like that idea,” Nie Mingjue guesses and he sounds angry.
Jiang Cheng takes a deep breath to remind himself that Nie Mingjue is not angry with him, but with his parents.
“They didn’t,” Jiang Cheng agrees. “They wouldn’t let me go and just told me to get it together since there’s nothing really wrong with me.”
“I am so sorry,” Nie Mingjue says and Jiang Cheng shrugs.
“It is what it is,” he awkwardly says. “A-jie called the doctor again to inquire after the diagnosis he would give me, but he was reluctant to since that’s not his area of expertise. He said the best guess he could make was depression, but that we really needed to have it confirmed by a psychologist.”
“But you never went to one,” Nie Mingjue says and Jiang Cheng nods.
“I read a lot on the internet and I went to the school’s counsellor a few times before my parents found out about it and made me stop.”
“Meetings with the counsellor are supposed to be confidential,” Nie Mingjue says with a deep breath and Jiang Cheng manages a bitter laugh.
“When is anything ever really confidential in my family,” he bitterly mutters and only relaxes again when Nie Mingjue squeezes his shoulder.
“What did you do last time?” Nie Mingjue asks him and Jiang Cheng twists his fingers together.
“I think I out-stubborned it. My parents expected good grades so I had to study. I told myself over and over again that nothing is really wrong and that there’s no reason for me to be depressed. I went to bed at a set time and no matter the day I woke up at the same time, too. I forced myself to study, to not slack off with my training and in the end it somehow worked. A-jie was there, too, of course but sometimes—” he trails off here, because he cannot admit that her fretting and concerned looks made it that much harder sometimes. “I managed to get over it,” he finally says.
Jiang Cheng thinks back to all these weeks and months were he didn’t feel like doing anything; where even the thought of getting up in the morning felt like an insurmountable obstacle, not even to mention everything that came after it, but somehow he had done it.
He had felt bone-deep exhausted the whole time, and he had lost weight and friends, but he had done it.
“I later read that a fixed schedule can help; just like any kind of sport. I got lucky I think,” he admits because not everyone comes out of it as easy as he did.
Well, easy in retrospect. At the time it had felt like the most difficult thing of his entire life, and it was starting to feel like that again.
“We’re not going to do it like that, this time,” Nie Mingjue suddenly says and Jiang Cheng jerks at his words.
“What do you mean?” he whispers, too afraid to hope that maybe this time he doesn’t have to do it all on his own again.
“First of all, you’re not going to ‘get over it’,” Nie Mingjue decisively says. “Depression is a serious illness and we’re going to treat it accordingly. I know a psychologist we can call to see if she has time for you, if you want that.”
Jiang Cheng blinks at him, because he didn’t think that Nie Mingjue would insist on this. Jiang Cheng was expecting some understanding; the Nies are not his parents after all, but this—
This is almost too much.
“I can’t possibly—” he starts, but Nie Mingjue doesn’t let him talk.
“Whatever it is you want to say stop it,” he gently scolds him. “You’re not an imposition, and you’re not taking too much. I won’t force you to go, of course, but I think it would help much more than just powering through it alone and with how your family life was before—maybe we should have thought about this earlier,” Nie Mingjue admits and Jiang Cheng really is so damn sick of crying, but he can’t help it.
“Thank you,” he whispers out, because no matter if he gets professional help this time around or not, Nie Mingjue is already so much more supportive than his parents ever were.
“Not for that,” Nie Mingjue lowly gives back and pulls Jiang Cheng into a hug again.
“And it’s nothing to be ashamed of either, you hear me?” he asks Jiang Cheng who tenses at his words.
Of course he wasn’t allowed to talk about his ‘supposed affliction’ before; his parents didn’t want to hear a single word about it, always pretending that Jiang Cheng chose to be difficult on purpose rather than admitting that it might be something more.
“Isn’t it?” Jiang Cheng whispers and he fists his hand in Nie Mingjue’s shirt. “There’s no reason for me to be depressed; you gave me a home and I’m happy here. There’s no reason for me to be like this.”
“Maybe it is because you finally can relax,” Nie Mingjue muses and starts to stroke his hand up and down Jiang Cheng’s back. “Maybe there’s no reason at all for it; it doesn’t matter. You can be happy and healthy one day and then contract a severe illness the next one. Why should this be any different?”
Jiang Cheng has to admit that he never really gave this any thought, but thinking too much about this right now hurts his head, so he doesn’t.
“I have to apologize to Huaisang,” Jiang Cheng says when he finally moves away from Nie Mingjue who sighs.
“You probably should, but I think it’s more important that you explain. If you go to see a psychologist we’re not going to keep it a secret here; that’s not how we work.”
Cold fear settles in Jiang Cheng’s stomach, more instinctual than anything else, before he forcefully breathes it away. There is no reason to be afraid of anyone’s reaction here; they are a family, much more so than Jiang Cheng and his parents ever were and of course they needed to know.
“Alright,” Jiang Cheng agrees even though the thought of that discussion leaves him drained.
“Not today, Wanyin,” Nie Mingjue gently tells him and flicks his forehead. “Quit your worrying. You’re going to eat a little bit and then I’ll leave you be. We can talk about it tomorrow and see if you want to meet with the psychologist and once we have that settled we can think about telling the others, okay?”
“Okay,” Jiang Cheng agrees and then forces a smile on his face. “Thank you.”
“There’s nothing to thank me for,” Nie Mingjue immediately tells him, just like Jiang Cheng was expecting. “Eat what you can, okay? And drink something, I think that’s more important.”
“I will,” Jiang Cheng promises and reaches for his water to prove his point.
“Alright. Try to sleep and then we’ll see about everything else tomorrow, yes?”
“Thank you,” Jiang Cheng says again, because Nie Mingjue didn’t say that he might feel better tomorrow, or that he’s being stupid and dramatic and just lazy and faking it to get out of doing things, and Jiang Cheng never realized how badly all of his parents barbs grated on him in the past.
“You’re welcome,” Nie Mingjue says this time, clearly understanding that this goes deeper than just a simple thank you and then he’s gone again.
Jiang Cheng flops back on his bed, before he remembers that he’s supposed to eat and drink something first.
He forces himself back up, manages to eat half the plate of food Nie Mingjue brought him and then he washes it all down with water. Only then does he allow himself to crawl back under his blanket.
Jiang Cheng is absolutely not looking forward to having to fight this again, but he thinks that maybe with his family having his back, it will be easier this time around.