Work Text:
“I love you.”
Dean barely has time to comprehend those words because suddenly there’s a flash in Cas’ eyes, there for just a second and then it’s gone again. Dean hasn’t seen anything like it in him before, and it should worry him, really, but he can’t think about it right now, not with everything that is happening. Dean is a mess, feels like he’s barely here, like his mind is underwater and his body running on autopilot, his heart is racing and his lungs hurt and the tears in his eyes have been threatening to spill for a while now. When Cas physically pushes him away, Dean doesn’t even feel the pain of his body hitting the cold hard floor.
He looks up at Cas, a sad smile on his face, looking down at Dean like — like it’s the last time. Dean’s stomach turns. The black goo forming on the wall on his right extends a tentacle-like arm towards the door, across the whole room, past Cas and right at Billie, fully engulfing her in itself. Then it starts to rematerialize and takes up another human-like shape and if Dean didn’t know better he’d say it looks like… Meg? Demon Meg?
He blinks and reconsiders and something about it feels off to him. It doesn’t make any sense. Cas was going to summon the empty, this must be it, using her as its own vessel.
Cas looks at her calmly while any expression slowly leaves his face. She walks up to him but Cas stands his ground and doesn’t move back one step until she’s standing right in front of him.
“Good to see you, Castiel,” she says, her voice reproachful but also kind of indifferent. “Although I did not quite expect it to go this way.”
“You got what you wanted,” Cas argues weakly and it breaks Dean’s fucking heart.
Meg scoffs and rolls her eyes. “Actually, I didn’t get at all what I wanted.”
“What do you mean?”
Squinting her eyes, Meg stares at him. “You really don’t know, do you?” Cas squints back, confused, opens his mouth but Meg continues to speak before he can get out a single word. “Your grace, dumbass. It just went poof. Didn’t seem to agree with those… feelings of yours.”
Right now, Dean definitely doesn’t have the mental capacity to think about what the fuck that means without going crazy. Cas frowns and slightly shakes his head in disbelief.
She continues. “That means it’s gone, Castiel. And I don’t take puny humans.”
“But… I know it’s fading, but–”
He is cut off by Meg lifting her hand and making a fist and then Cas is on his knees, an invisible hand holding him tight and steady at her mercy. Cas lets out a small cry of pain and it immediately snaps Dean out of his haze. “Stop,” he yells, at least he means to, but his voice fails him and it comes out much quieter and desperate than he intended. Meg turns to look at him as he tries to push himself to his feet but her glare keeps him pinned to the wall, unable to move.
“And here we have the reason why,” she says in a slow and sarcastically happy voice. “Dean Winchester. The human who caused our little angel to fall from grace.”
“Let him go,” Dean snarls without acknowledging her words, trying to ignore the aching pain in his chest that he’s not sure is real or just being inflicted on him telepathically by Meg. The Empty. Whatever.
“Dean–” Cas tries to warn him but again, he doesn’t get to finish.
“Oh, he’s right,” Meg admits in a disgustingly sweet tone before returning her gaze down to Cas and lowering her voice to a menacing sneer. “Unfortunately.”
With one swift flick of her wrist, Cas is thrown across the room, his head hitting the wall with a bump. His body remains still for a moment but when he finally opens his eyes, Dean releases a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
“You know what, though? You did give me Billie, that bitch,” Meg explains slowly while making her way back to the spot she came from. “And honestly, I don’t even know what to do with you now.” She comes to a halt in front of Cas and leans down, stopping right in front of his face and speaking so quietly that Dean can barely catch it from across the room. “Consider us even. Do not bother me again.”
Black oozing tentacles slowly wrap around her. She gives Dean one last glance and then she’s gone, the black spot on the wall closing up quickly. As soon as Dean feels like he can move freely again, he does, barely standing up straight and instantly running over to Cas, falling to his knees in front of him. “Cas, hey,” he whispers, his hands immediately finding both sides of Cas’ face, softly holding onto his head to make him look up at him. “Are you okay?”
“I…” Cas’ chest rises and falls and he looks past Dean, around the room, as if trying to convince himself that they really are alone. Billie is gone, Meg is gone. No more black goo on the wall just the two of them left in the dungeon. “That was not supposed to happen.”
Dean’s hands retreat when Cas moves to sit up against the wall, hand clutching onto the back of his head, eyes finding Dean’s again. Still wet and tear tracks across both of their cheeks. Dean can still feel himself shaking, his heart beating out of its chest.
“Dean,” Cas says in that soft fucking voice that makes Dean feel like he’s about to turn into a puddle on the floor and he can’t take it, not right now, not after everything he just said. He blinks to clear his vision but it all goes to hell when Cas asks, “Are you okay?”
Dean can’t answer, he just throws his arms around Cas’ shoulders and pulls him into a tight hug. He needs this, he needs Cas close to him after he just nearly lost him again, even if he might be crushing him. He needs proof that Cas is still here with him. Cas’ arms hesitantly find their way around Dean’s waist, holding him with not as much force as Dean is holding him but Dean will take anything. He swears he can feel Cas bury his face in the crook of Dean’s neck.
Cas is warm and Dean feels like this is exactly where they should be, together, always. Dean breathes in Cas’ scent, the faint smell of the impala, and he feels right at home.
And god, Dean is tirelessly searching his mind how to react to all that but he just does not know what to say, doesn’t even know where to start. He’s still processing everything that just happened, from going after Billie to finding out it was all Chuck’s fault, to being chased down to the dungeon. To Cas and the way his eyes lit up when he said there was one way to stop her, the way he cried when Dean had never seen him cry before. To everything that Cas said to him, that he’s not the mindless killer he was trained to be his whole life, that Dean has never been motivated by anything other than love.
To be completely honest, though, Dean has a hard time believing it. It sounded so good laid out like that, but Dean has never before seen himself as the person Cas was describing. A deadly weapon, a destructive tool that his life has shaped him to be, it’s all he’s ever been, and he’s accepted that but Cas, god, Cas.
Cas always sees the best in people.
He has never given up on Dean, not even after Dean almost killed him under the influence of the mark of cain. He saw the good in Jack when everyone else could only see the spawn of Lucifer. He believed in Sam even when the demon blood was dragging him so far away from everything Cas believed in.
Cas has stood by Dean’s side for as long as they’ve known each other, despite all of their ups and downs, through fights and forgiveness, in life and death. He gave up heaven, fought his own brothers and sisters and took humanity’s side during the biblical apocalypse because it was Dean he believed in, not God. He killed Billie back when she was a reaper because he couldn’t bear the thought of losing his family, gave his own life Jack’s. He broke through heaven’s brainwashing because he couldn’t hurt Dean.
Dean realizes now what broke the connection.
To Heaven and Hell and Purgatory and even the Empty and back. Cas knows all of Dean’s flaws and imperfections like the back of his hand. He knows the many mistakes Dean has made, was right there next to him for a lot of them, and forgave him for all of them.
Despite everything, Cas loves him. Because of everything, Cas loves him.
Cas knows him better than anyone else, probably better than Sam even. Maybe, and Dean hates to admit that, maybe Cas knows him even better than Dean knows himself. So when Cas says that Dean is not broken, that his anger is not what defines him, that destruction and hate is not what truly drives him, that he is so full of love that everyone around him knows it and sees it, when Cas leaves all of these things as his literal deathbed confession, maybe there must be some truth to it.
And the longer Dean thinks about it, the more his head hurts and his heart aches but more importantly, the more he feels like he can make sense of where Cas is coming from. Because really, of course he raised Sammy for love, of course he fought for the world for everyone he loves. Of course he cares, he cares so much that it drives him crazy sometimes, apparently he cares so much that Cas only started to care because of him.
Cas needed Dean to understand that he is not the person he makes himself out to be, that his negative side isn’t what defines him, and maybe Dean is starting to get it. In a way, he really did everything out of love. He loved his brother so much that he went to Hell for him, he loved Jack so much that he defied God for him and he loved Cas so much that…
He loved Cas so much that he was going to let him die for him again.
He loves Cas so much that he is never going to let him die for him again.
Dean knows without a doubt that he would die for Cas in a heartbeat, no hesitation, no questions asked, although that’s not exactly news to anyone. But he won’t let Cas give his life for anyone else’s, especially Dean’s, ever again. No more deals, no more sacrifices. Cas deserves to be happy, unconditionally and genuinely happy without —
Without the empty waiting to come and snatch him. Because apparently Cas’ true happiness is Dean, has always been Dean. Apparently Cas didn’t want anything more than telling Dean that he’s not a monster, that he is much more than what his dad raised him to be. That he gives much more love than he realizes, and that he is loved in return.
Dean tries to take a deep shuddering breath that doesn’t help him calm down at all. He pulls back but one hand holds on to Cas’ shoulder because he can’t fully let go of him quite yet, and they just look into each other’s eyes like the world depended on it.
“You don’t have to say anything,” Cas whispers because of course he can read Dean like a fucking book. He always could. Mostly.
Dean shakes his head. “I do.” But then he stays silent because the words get stuck in his throat. Cas waits patiently for him to say something. “Cas, you-” Dean starts, stammers, then suddenly remembers something. “What did she mean, what’s up with your grace?”
Cas breaks eye contact in favor of staring at the bloody hand print he left on Dean’s jacket. “It’s gone.”
“But how?”
Hesitantly, Cas looks back at him, and his mouth forms a small, sad smile. “I think you know how.”
And Dean does, but he was so desperately hoping to be wrong about it. He didn’t forget the flash in Cas’ eyes when he told Dean that he loved him. He couldn’t see it then, with not only Cas’ but his own eyes filled with tears, and not that he’s much better off right now, but he can see now that something’s changed. Something about the glow in Cas’ eyes, the rise and fall of his chest, the way his bottom lip trembles. Dean would always notice.
“So you’re… you’re human?” he asks and feels his stomach drop when Cas nods shyly, then ducks his head. “Fuck,” he sighs and tries to swallow down the lump in his throat. “I–I’m sorry.”
Cas perks up and frowns. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
“Cas–”
“No, listen,” Cas cuts him off gently with a hand on Dean’s knee and Dean doesn’t even mind because he wasn’t sure what he was going to say anyway. He’s sorry, so fucking sorry because it’s his fault any of this happened, it’s always his fault, but he knows Cas doesn’t want to hear about his guilt because he wouldn’t agree with him anyway. “Dean, I don’t regret it, any of it. If… If losing my grace is what it takes for you to know that you are loved, I would do it all over again.”
A small tear rolls down Dean’s cheek and his grip on Cas’ shoulder tightens. He doesn’t know how Cas did it, how an Angel of the lord cracked the shell of an angry, broken man like him, but he did. And ironically, Dean doesn’t know how he cracked Cas’ shell either, he doesn’t know how he made Cas love him so much that he doesn’t even mind giving up his grace just to say it.
Dean’s hand slides down Cas’ arm and finally lands in his lap to wrap around Cas’ hand. He feels Cas’ pulse against his finger and something clicks inside him when he thinks about what that means. Cas really is human now, no wings, no powers, just… just Cas.
Cas. The way he uses way too many emojis when texting. The way he listens to Dean’s music when Dean’s not even sure he really likes it. The way he looks at Dean like he’s the moon and the stars. No more divine boundaries, Cas is human and he’s in love with Dean.
Dean couldn’t take his eyes off Cas if he wanted to. His knitted brows, watery eyes, chapped lips. It would be so easy to lean forward and close the little distance between them and just kiss him. It would be so easy to grab the back of his neck and pull him close. It would be so easy to kiss him the way he should be kissed, and Dean wants to do it, every cell of his body is telling him to do it, but Dean has never been one to take the easy route.
Instead, he takes a deep breath and reminds himself that he’ll never get a better chance to speak his mind than now. “Cas, I–Me too.” It’s all he can get out before feeling the throbbing beating of his heart in his whole chest, his lungs closing up, but he has to push through, just this once, right now, because what is he even scared of, exactly? “I love you, too.”
It’s out there and Dean simultaneously feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders and like he’s going to pass out any second. He closes his eyes, tries to hold his ground, focuses on squeezing Cas’ hand, or maybe Cas is squeezing his, he can’t really tell, and —
A slight sense of pressure on his shoulder pulls him back to reality. He risks a glance and sees that it’s Cas’ hand claiming that spot, his spot, with his right hand, as always. It grounds him somehow, stops his head from spinning and eases the knots in his stomach. Cas’ face is suddenly soft and all signs of concern are gone, the tiniest smile hiding in the corners of his mouth. Dean doesn’t know how he expected Cas to react but somehow it wasn’t this, something feels off, and for some reason it makes him think and it makes him realize.
“You knew, didn’t you?”
“I had a feeling,” Cas confirms. “But I knew that you weren’t ready to face it.”
Dean falters. It’s true and it’s coming out of Cas’ mouth.
It’s taken Dean years to come to terms with his feelings, and then another few years to make peace with the fact that he would just have to live with it. It was better this way for several reasons. Cas has been his best friend for so long, Dean has flat out told him that he sees him as a brother, he is one of the two most important people in Dean’s life. Of course, Dean knew that Cas is not the kind of person who would ditch his best friend for being in love with him, but Dean wasn’t going to risk anything. And besides, Dean didn’t think he could even handle being rejected, which he was always sure would happen. It’s just that he never thought of the insane possibility of not being rejected, never considered it for even a second. Cas was still an angel, and last time Dean checked, angels weren’t supposed to fall in love with humans, he honestly was sure if they were even able to. In the end he was proven wrong, and in retrospect he should’ve known that Cas was different, because Cas was always different.
Finding out that Cas loves him, that he knows that Dean loves him, too. The blows just keep coming. Cas knows, he has known for god knows how long and Dean feels like an idiot. He opens his mouth to say something, he’ll figure out what exactly, but it doesn’t matter because Cas beats him to it. “I understand.”
Dean will never understand what he did to deserve someone like Cas, what he did to be loved by someone like Cas, wholly and selflessly and generously. The only thing Dean knows for sure is that he will spend the rest of his life trying to give back to Cas what he gave to him. He feels at peace.
“I love you,” Dean says again and he means it like he’s never meant anything else in his life. “I love you, I love you so much.” And god, despite Dean’s entire body shaking it feels so good to finally get it off his chest. Cas seemed to be right, as always, when he claimed that happiness is in just saying it. “Cas, I fuckin’ love you.”
And suddenly Cas is beaming, the big smile across his face almost distracts Dean from his tear tracked cheeks. He chuckles and lifts his hand from Dean’s shoulder up to his cheek and Dean immediately leans into the touch. “I love you, too, Dean. Always.”
Dean remembers just a few minutes before when he so desperately wanted to kiss Cas but couldn’t bring himself to do it, and it feels like a distant memory now. He is overtaken by an overwhelming rush of confidence and courage and thinks fuck it, they just beat death and he just told Cas that he loves him, and Cas loves him too, so again, what the fuck is he so scared of?
Neither of them really sees it coming when Dean goes for it. He barely remembers to close his eyes before his mouth meet Cas’ and really, Dean has been dreaming of doing this for years. Cas’ lips are warm and chapped and Dean can feel Cas’ wet cheeks against his own and when Cas finally presses back, Dean releases a breath he’s subconsciously been holding.
Dean barely registered Cas’ thumb gently stroking his cheek until it’s gone and Cas’ fingers start cradling the short hair on the back of his head. Instead of pulling Dean close, however, it is Cas who leans in, his hand loose on Dean’s neck and leaving him more than enough room to pull back if he wanted to, because even now, of course, Cas is happily giving him the option to back out at any point.
Their lips move together in perfect sync. Dean can feel Cas’ hand bleed onto his neck but it doesn’t faze either of them because it doesn’t matter, because this moment feels perfect just the way it is. Dean, of course, is still freaking out internally, but he’s got it under control. He just got everything he ever wanted and more, nothing and no one will take this from him.
It’s so effortless and natural, Dean wants to punch himself in the face for thinking it was impossible, that it would always be this unattainable dream, the one thing —
The one thing I want… It’s something I know I can’t have.
God, he was so stupid. There has never been a moment where he couldn’t have Cas, he was just too blind to see it. But Cas knew, or at least had a feeling, and it’s just starting to make sense to Dean. Cas knew he couldn’t have Dean, not because Dean didn’t love him, but because Dean didn’t let himself love him.
Dean always thought it was wrong, pointless, a lost cause. He tried to drown it out so many times, because he was convinced Cas wouldn’t reciprocate even if he could, he literally wasn’t programmed to, but even if he was, Dean was never supposed to fall in love with him in the first place, not with an angel and much less with Cas because Cas is his best friend and —
“Dean,” Cas’ voice suddenly rings in his ears, “Breathe.”
Dean can simultaneously feel his heart beat in his throat and sink down to his stomach. He doesn’t know what is happening, the only thing he can focus on is Cas right in front of his holding Dean’s face in his hand. The concern in his eyes is back and one look at his parted lips has Dean leaning back in for more, but before their lips even get to meet a hand is laid flat on Dean’s chest and holds him back.
Dean looks at Cas, confused, panicking and worrying if he overstepped already. “I need to know that you’re okay,” Cas explains plainly and calmly.
Dean almost scoffs. “I’ve never been more okay in my life.” Cas’ raised eyebrows nearly met his hairline, making it obvious that he doesn’t believe Dean at all. “I’m fine, I’m great, really.”
“Then what just happened?”
Dean sighs, finally breaking eye contact. “It’s just–I couldn’t get my head out of my ass and you just accepted that.” Cas’ face relaxed, silently encouraging Dean to continue. “All those years, you knew, and you–you just let me treat you like… It wasn’t fair.”
Cas drops his hand from where it was still clutching onto the front of Dean’s shirt. The corners of his mouth quirk up slightly but it doesn’t reach his eyes. He leans forward, slowly and carefully, and captures Dean’s lips in the softest kiss Dean has ever had, barely there and feather-light but still enough to make Dean’s insides turn like he’s a teenage girl. It’s less than a handful of seconds before Cas disconnects their lips, but he doesn’t pull back, he stays right there in Dean’s personal space like it’s his own.
“It doesn’t matter now,” he whispers. “I don’t blame you and I don’t want you to blame yourself.”
Dean nods. He’ll definitely blame himself but he doesn’t bother arguing any more, he knows Cas well enough that it would lead them nowhere. He just has to take Cas’ word sometimes. He remembers that Cas is still here. Despite everything, Cas is still right here holding Dean’s hand.
Dean leans back in and they kiss until Dean feels dizzy and stupid and his lips are swollen and he can’t tell left from right anymore, he’ll be glad if he can remember his own damn name.
He feels like everything changed but somehow nothing is different. Cas is still Dean’s best friend, always has been and always will be. Dean will still look at him like he put the stars in the sky, he figures he just doesn’t have to do it in secret anymore.