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They say you are a queen, but how can that be? The only queen in the land is mama, and no one else. Mama with her gentle eyes and soft hands, helping you up the stairs of the keep, whispering, My sweet Jaehaera. My sweet princess. Mama is the queen, not you, not anyone else.
But mama is gone. Papa too. And Jaehaerys. Many people are gone now. The war took them all because that is what wars do, your septa says. War takes people, but the gods send new people to be born in their place. Not as replacements, although you think that is what she meant.
The war started because the old king, your grandfather, died and papa's sister tried to take his crown for herself. Some people just don't know how to share. When papa went to tell your aunt that she was being naughty, she died, and so did papa. Jaehaerys and Maelor had died before, so cousin Aegon is king now, and you are his queen.
It's to allow the country to heal. You don't know what that means. To unite the bloodlines, your septa says as she brushes your hair until it shines. Mama used to do that. You miss mama and her voice. You try to sing as she did, but it doesn't sound the same, and your cheeks burn in embarrassment.
Aegon is not bad, you think. He doesn't laugh like Jaehaerys did, or gurgle like Maelor, but that is fine. He doesn't like being near you and that is fine too. He says you look like your papa and you smile because he is so nice.
Grandmother told you to slit his throat, called him a bastard. You don't visit grandmother anymore.
Your bed is bigger than anything you have ever seen. Sometimes, you are afraid that you will drown in the covers and furs, but the maids said that nothing will happen to you. That you are safe. You try to believe them, closing your eyes very hard whenever fear comes, and ignoring the cheese on your plate at mealtime.
They dress you in silks and furs, braiding your hair in rings and placing tiaras over your head. People curtsy when you walk through the corridors and call you Your Grace or My Queen. It feels incredibly silly, and you try not to giggle, or to smile at them. Papa wouldn't want you to smile. He would want you to be graceful and dignified, whatever that means.
A white cloak follows you around. A knight of the Kingsguard just for you. He is called Mervyn Flowers and he helps you climb the stairs, just like mamma used to do, a hand on your hand, holding you tightly. You tell him you love flowers and he smiles, but it doesn't seem true. His eyes do not shine.
Jaehaerys always smiled. You miss Jaehaerys. He was your best friend, your twin brother, but he was killed. You try not to think about that but sometimes the memories come without you wanting them to. When they do, you close your eyes really hard and press your hands to your ears, trying very hard not to cry. Jaehaerys said crying was for little babes like Maelor and you don't want to be a little babe. You want to be brave like uncle Daeron. And papa. And great-uncle Daemon, but you can't tell that to anyone.
Aegon doesn't like talking about his papa and his mama and got very upset when you asked why your aunt Rhaenyra wanted the crown too. You don't want to make him upset. He's the king.
And he's also your husband, but you don't know what that means. Papa was mama's husband, but that was because he was her brother. Jaehaerys was supposed to be your husband, and maybe even Maelor too, but Aegon is not your brother. At least you don't think so.
Maybe he is. Maybe that's why he's your husband. Because you're his sister. You ask your septa about it, but she says you're wrong. Aegon can't be your brother because he had a different mama and a different papa. You're cousins because his mama was your papa's sister. Cousins can marry too.
You're satisfied with that answer and you ask Aegon if you can have supper with him that night. He says no and you try not to cry. He's so mean. You would hate him, but you can't hate the king, and so you love him. You tell him as much and he shakes his head, turns away. He tells Ser Marvyn to take you to bed.
You don't want to go to bed and you tell Ser Marvyn that, but he ignores you. Picks you up like papa used to do and you cry, you scream, because you're not tired! You fight against him but he's stronger than you and suddenly you are in bed, with your septa stroking your hair as the Grand Maester forces a white liquid down your throat. It's sweet and you're sleepy when you finish it. Maybe you were tired.
The years pass by slowly. Aegon gives you a kitten for your thirteenth nameday and Lord Peake has you befriend his daughter. You like Myrielle. She has soft hands and the kittens never cry when she strokes their furs. Myrielle has hair like a carrot and laughs when you tell her that. She starts to sleep in your bed, hugs you tightly when you shake at night and you love her for that.
Baela and Rhaena come to visit you sometimes, ask you things about their brother, and try to answer them as best as possible. They give you a new doll every time they see you and suddenly you have a hundred dolls, a hundred friends for tea parties and private balls. Rhaena comes to the balls, but Baela doesn’t, just as Aegon doesn’t. He never comes when you invite him. You would hate him if you could.
One time, when you are seventeen, Baela asks after the consummation and you are confused because you don’t know what that is. It’s such a long word. Consummation. She sighs when you repeat it and asks if her brother visits you at night. Her brother is Aegon, Aegon the King. You tell him he doesn’t. He never comes, except that one time.
He came and tried to kiss you, tried to touch you and you couldn’t stop thinking about how he smelled like cheese and blood and you started crying. He left after that and never came back. It’s been months.
Rhaena says he has to come at night to have an heir. You ask what she means. She says you need to have a son. A little babe. You don’t want to have a little babe, because little babes are stupid, they cry and cry and do nothing else. At least Maelor laughed, but only later after he was already born for many months. You don’t want a little babe, you don’t want to!
They leave after that and you wonder if you did something wrong. Your septa helps you dress and you go to the court, walks around the gardens and you think how much easier life would be if mama were here. Mama would know what to do. She would be queen and have the babes Aegon wants, so you won’t have to. But mama is not here and it’s time to be the queen.
The next night, Aegon comes and you try not to cry when he kisses you. You kiss him back and it’s almost good, it’s almost fine. He is heavy as he lays on top of you, as he moves inside of you and you can’t breathe. When he is finished, you start crying, you turn your back to him because you can’t stop thinking about Blood and Cheese and mama and Jaehaerys.
He leaves your bed and starts to put on his clothes. Aegon says he’s sorry, but you’re not sure you believe in him. He's mean and if you could, you would hate him.