Archive of Our Own

‪'Cause I like you

There's no other reason, I like you

When I watch you smile, there's nothing more I could ask for

'Cause I just like you

⊹ ─ ☾ ❍ ☼ ─ ⊹

Technically, somewhere inside his mind, Chan knows he might be assuming too much. Feeling too much. That he might be scratching a little too hard on a scab he did to himself, but he just can’t seem to help it. Not when all he sees is that sweet and freckled smile of Felix’s, the one Felix always gives him, for other than himself.

 And not any smile either, but the one Felix wears late at night in the dorms when Chan is trying to fall asleep and his anxiety and insomnia get the better of him. When Chan lays his tender heart open and whispers to Felix what worries his mind as they get cozy and close under the blankets. The smile Chan would recognize everywhere after seeing it so many times in the dark by his bunk bed, his weary eyes used to the lack of light.

Damn, Chan can even feel that smile in the warm path of random patterns on the skin of his fingers, his knuckles, his palm. In the way Felix would delicately hold Chan’s hand and play with it whenever they laid facing each other on those nights, the carefulness of Felix’ movements engraved like a hot brand in Chan’s memory, making up for the fact that he’s still too scared to lift his fingers just a little, enough to trace the curves and plumpness of Felix’s lips, to press down with his thumb onto the glossy shine, fearing —hoping— they are a texture he could never let go of.

So now, as Felix whispers his last lines onto the mic and flashes that smile from the recording booth to where he and Changbin sit outside at the console table, Chan feels a bitter, unwelcome pang of jealousy and his stomach dropping to the building’s first floor.

He doesn’t want to feel this way.

"Hyung. Chan hyung," Felix calls, effectively pulling Chan out of his spiraling and coming closer. "Chan, hey. Did you like it? The way it sounded? I was just wondering if maybe I should have changed the pitch a bit? I can do it again."

"Ahhh, Lix, sorry. I kinda got distracted haha." Chan feels the tip of his ears getting redder under the headphones he’s wearing, and he tugs the visor of his cap down to try and hide it. "Uh, I actually think it sounded really good. Like, really, really good. It’s the ideal pitch. Also, y’know your voice always sounds perfect, don’t worry about it hahahaha."

 Felix’s worried expression dissolves in a shy smile at that, clutching the guided lyrics close to his chest. "You really mean it? You were being really quiet this time, it’s truly no problem for me to record it again."

Changbin beats his next words.

"Yes, Yongbokkie! You sounded really good in there! Hyung couldn’t stop smiling." Chan watches as Changbin, who was sitting prettily beside him and very far from Felix, stands up to give the latter a one armed hug, pulling Felix closer into his embrace. "Our Yongbok-ah… truly. I’m so proud. You keep getting better every day, Stays and everyone will love this song." He ruffles Felix’s recently dark brown dyed hair.

"Ahhhhh, hyung, stop it. I couldn’t have done it without you, either of you. Honestly." Chan's stomach free falls again as he watches Felix smile as he basks in the attention and hugs Changbin back.

"We are the best unit after all, Lixie. And our voices match perfectly, you were right," Changbin laughs back.

Ouch.

Not willing to witness them together any longer than necessary, Chan cuts whatever Changbin was going to say with a clap. "Yeah, well, those were the last lines so… How about you two give me some space to finish the song then? It’s not like I want you to go, but uh, you know I work better alone and I gotta make sure this baby lives up to your expectations, haha." He pushes through the ugly lump forming in his throat and manages to get an awkward laugh that sounds fake even to his ears. "You two can, like, go to the dorms and say hi to the kids for me or whatever you wanna do haha. Will you?" Chan sets his lips in something that hopefully resembles a smile and turns to focus on the computer screen in front of him.

"Aish, hyung, you can totally do that later, the track is almost done. It’s already time for lunch, we just finished recording and I know you’ve been tweaking the track since the moment PD-nim asked for your help. C’moooooon, hyung it can wait until later, come eat with us," Changbin whines.

Chan makes a noncommittal sound.

"Chris. Hyung, won’t you come?"

Chan winces, pretending to already be focused in the colorful blocks and lanes taking over his computer screen.

"If you don’t wanna go we could, maybe, get the food and eat here, together, if you want. We could even pass by the dorm so I can get my Switch, and I won’t bother you at–"

"No. No, Lix, you go, I swear I’ll be good and I’ll eat soon I just need to keep going now that I’m like, on the roll y’know…"

Turning around only to watch Felix’ expression fall was the worst idea.

"Bu–"

Changbin huffs. "Well, I won’t be having none of that. Good luck, hyung and you better eat. C’mon, Lix, cheer up. Maybe we could get ice cream for dessert to rest our voices, yes yes. Ahhhh, I heard the parlor we always go to has a new flavor, and I’m dying to try it out. Gotta keep the record, you know. By the way, did I tell you about…" It’s the last Chan catches before the door clicks closed. Sighing, he takes off his headphones and rests his neck in the chair to look at the ceiling, his head and his heart a mess.

Squinting under the studio's harsh white lights that do wonders at keeping him awake for hours on end, he feels about to be autopsied. Merely seconds away from someone prodding at all his organs and soft tissue and writing in a plain notebook that he died from an unrequited love’s heartache. All he can think about, has been able to think about, is that Felix himself wrote this song, this beautiful love confession, but he wrote it with Changbin.

Changbin, whom Felix has always been close to since day one. Changbin, who he gave the most hugs to. Changbin, who he shares pecks with. Changbin, who Felix has previously said is his ideal type. Fuck, even some fans think they are in love.

Felix chose Changbin and not him.

And it hurts, because even if they’ve never talked about what’s going on between them, —neither of them have ever asked a life-changing 'what do you mean?'—, Chan calling Felix his soulmate and his home, Felix always making a separate batch of cookies for Chris and leaving a light on for when he comes back from the studio, Chan stupidly thought that if he ever where to loosen his shoulders a bit and finally, finally lean into the promised softness of Felix, they could be something. Something much more than lingering gazes and coy smiles and borrowed clothes and electrifying tension between them.

But it seems irrelevant and naive and so fucking selfish now. Did he really dare to expect for Felix, —beautiful, lovely, the only one ever—, to always be bright and warm for him as he, — over-thinker, anxious, scared—, waited for the perfect time when he knew Felix’ heart was immensely big?

Felix never mentioned to Chan that he wanted to write a song. Not even once. He didn’t ask for his advice on the lyrics, didn’t ask Chan if he could help with the track. He asked Changbin. Chan only found out a couple of weeks before when PD-nim approached him at JYP and asked (instructed, really), Chan to take care of the song’s production.

Chan had been downright moping and on edge since then, and apparently his overall appearance and the heavy shadows under his eyes were worse enough that he worried Minho.

…

"Alright hyung, spill it. You’ve been acting like a sad, abandoned puppy all week long. What’s been bothering you?" he asked after dragging Chan to the balcony once they finished dinner.

"Uh, nothing haha. Really." Chan answered, avoiding his eyes.

Minho stared back blankly at him.

"It’s so silly, really haha. I’m just, y’know me. It’s just silly Chan hyung," he dismissed it.

"Hyung. Nothing that has you acting like this could be silly," Minho sighed. "Unless… Does it have to do with Yongbok-ah?"

"…Well. I’ve been helping Lix with a song… I mean Changbin. I mean, both of them, in a way? Haha, it’s just that PD-nim came to me to ask me for help with the song Lix was writing so basically I’m helping Changbin who was doing the track help Felix? Does that make sense? And–"

"Wait, wait. Wait right there. Felix’ song? You mean the love song he’s been working on?" Minho cut his speech, incredulous.

"Haha, yeah. That song. The one he is doing with Changbin."

"Aha. So. Let me get this straight. PD-nim asked for your help with a song." Chan nodded. "He asked you to help with the love song Felix has been preparing and Felix, he was okay with it?" Chan nodded again, defeated.

"Well he had to," Chan laughed self-deprecatingly. "Why? Is that so unbelievable? Am I such a shitty producer or something that no one wants my help now?"

Minho winced at the raise of his voice. "No, no. Of course not. You are really good with… music. But uh. Let’s go back. This situation is what has got you… sad."

"Sorry," he apologized. "It’s not like I’m sad sad. Just. I’m kinda hurt, haha."

"Why?"

"Why? Ehr, well because, Lix didn’t even tell me? Like, I’m not saying I’m The Best at making songs in our group, Jisungie and Binnie are mad talented, the real deal. I’m not saying that. But uhhhh. I guess I just expected it to be me? Haha, y’know. The one to help him? Like, I’m his hyung and the leader and I make music... Of course I wanna help him, and music is kinda my thing. I mean, it’s also Bin’s thing and all of us, obviously. But. Uh y’know."

Minho nodded along with an unreadable expression. "So. You are hurt because Felix asked Changbin and not you to help with ‘his song’."

"Yeah. Yeah, basically," Chan shrugged, feeling shamefully stripped down.

"Ok. Well, good luck figuring it out, hyung," Minho patted his shoulder. "I’ll be going now ‘cause I have a higher-up to plan a murder for," he muttered on his way back to the apartment.

…

That had been a few days ago now, and no matter how much Chan tried to work his head around it, to stop acting as the immature teenager he felt like and be rational and leader-like, it stung. Not only because Felix asked for Changbin’s : Felix has always said that he feels more sure of himself with Changbin outside the booth, and the latter never goes short on praise for him. No.

It's because Chan knows what it means to write a song, how much of one’s heart the lyrics carry. He has slipped his fair amount of words and cheesy verses about a certain someone in songs before. Some that pass disguised as inspiration that he got from movies and anime, and some that probably won’t ever see the daylight. ('Even if I'm greedy, I want to be your soulmate.' Embarrassing. 'Meant for each other, no one can stop us, you know that’ll be lasting forever.' Really?). Chan even has written full songs over silly interactions he's had with Felix because he simply inspires him so much. He never wants to stop writing about and for Felix.

He knows they must have worked on the lyrics together, might have written them for each other, which is about a hundred times worse and he doesn’t know how to soothe the sting. Doesn’t even wanna think about how he will be reacting to the song live on Chan’s Room once it is out, thousands of eyes ready to over analyze the most minimum of his gestures and words for Twitter’s threads. For now though, for now, he is going to focus on what he knows does best. Music.

⊹ ─ ☾ ❍ ☼ ─ ⊹

Chan doesn’t return to the dorm until it’s five hours too late (as Felix has said before), somewhere between the pain on his wrist flaring up and 4.00 am.

Surprisingly, as he takes his shoes off by the carpeted entrance’s floor, (Minho insisted on getting it carpeted so none of them would get sick in winter, and once Felix’s doe eyes joined the motion there was no telling no), he realizes not only the living room’s light is on, but also the kitchen’s.

Curious, Chan leaves his backpack on the nearest couch and pads his way towards the tiled kitchen’s floor. He only stops when he sees an achingly familiar mop of brown hair resting atop the table. Why am I even surprised, he chuckles for himself. He could recognize him everywhere, truly. His identity made even more obvious when Chan sniffs and his sleep-deprived nose takes in the familiar smell of chocolate that screams Felix to his Pavlovian brain.

Tiptoeing his way around the table, Chan carefully approaches Felix’s sleeping figure and takes a look over his shoulder at the rapidly decreasing numbers that glow on his forgotten phone screen. Chan turns off the timer after checking the hour on his own phone so as to not wake Felix up, and after taking in the state of the counters, discards the idea of washing up the dirty bowls to keep all unwanted noises to a minimum. If he is lucky, Changbin will be the one to wake up first tomorrow and have the pleasure to deal with the dishes.

Another quick glance at his phone confirms that he still has a few minutes to spare before the cookies are ready, more than enough to whip himself something to eat. Chan silently moves through the kitchen and serves himself a small dinner he opts to eat leaning against the wall, his eyes inevitably finding their way over to Felix.

Chan guesses he must have been spacing out for a while now, because Felix's voice startles him so badly he almost drops his half empty bowl.

"Hyung? Sorry, you are finally back," Felix smiles, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes somewhat furiously.

Cute.

And Chan honestly thinks it’s just cute until the t-shirt Felix is wearing riles up when he stretches on his seat, and Chan has to look away and take a hearty bite of his rice because he really shouldn’t be looking. Not like this.

"Um, yeah. I got here a while ago, maybe 10? Give or take," Chan answers around another spoonful. He anxiously rubs one of his ears, then takes a few cautious steps forward to sit beside Felix at the table and places his bowl down.

He scrambles his brain for something to say, not used to feeling so uncertain around Felix, not when they usually match so well together. He just doesn’t want to make things awkward between them, supposing that Felix doesn’t already feel uncomfortable with him after the way he acted at the studio and the whole week, which would be awful. Chan presumes there’s only one way to go.

"So, ehh. How did your afternoon go, Lix? Did you, uh, do something fun?" Feigning ignorance. You are a genius, Christopher, a genius.

Felix, sweet angel Felix, seemingly oblivious to Chan’s inner-state, turns around to face Chan properly and smiles fondly. Chan feels all his unknowingly stiff joints loosen under the shine of that smile.

"Weeell," he drags, leaning onto his hand. "You already know I went with Changbinnie hyung to try out that new ice cream, which was really good by the way, we should totally go together sometime! And then, um… Oh, yeah! Then we came back to the dorm and Jisungie asked how the recording went and God, he bullied me into singing my part, hyung! You weren’t here to help me and without music it was so embarrassing," he pouts.

(Even if Felix doesn’t love him, even if Felix has never and won’t ever see him that way, Chan wants nothing more than to kiss that pout better until happiness makes his way back into Felix.)

"Ah, but then Innie and Seungminnie took me away to play games and of course I won all the rounds, hehe! Well, I did lose at Mario Kart but it was once, alright? Only once, and I didn’t curse that much so it definitely doesn’t count. What else…? Ah! And then Minho hyung? Came to my room and we just, watched a couple of YouTube's videos and then he left. Oh! He also asked me about today's recording? Which was, uh kinda weird but sweet though. But, yeah, that was basically it. I took a nap after but still had… uh, a lot in my head. So. I was baking cookies while I waited for you to come home."

Home. Chan's breath unwillingly catches in his throat at that and he distantly has to wonder what kind of expression could he possibly be making that has Felix blushing. Maybe it's just the oven.

Before he has the time to do anything besides internally freak out, Felix is suddenly jumping off his seat. "The cookies! Oh god, oh nooooo, the timer! Hyuuuung," he bolts towards the oven to turn it off after checking that the timer in his phone was no longer on, correctly assuming that Chan was to blame for it.

Chan has the decency to direct Felix a sheepish sorry! and a smile as he hands him over the oven cloth the other was desperately looking for, moving around the kitchen like a headless chick. Felix mutters something akin to a ‘you’re fine, thanks’ before rushing to the oven again, and a giggle escapes Chan at that. After all this time living together he is still marveled at how Felix, —only Felix, always only Felix—, could pull the metaphorical rug off his feet only to have him laughing the very next second.

Felix places the burning hot oven tray in the counter after taking it out, and Chan doesn’t even gives him the opportunity to turn around and search for anything before he sets the cooling rack on the side and hands Felix a spatula to match his own, receiving a smile in response.

From an outsider’s perspective, the silence that forms around them as they pick the cookies up, only interrupted by Felix mumbling a Coldplay song under his breath might seem rather awkward. But it doesn’t bother Chan. It’s okay, he knows what to do. From his position, Chan even reaches around Felix’s waist to gather up the farther cookies without a second thought as Felix focuses on the ones closer to him.

They have found themselves in this situation before.

It’s not the first time Chan helps Felix when he decides to bake cookies, their first time baking together even videotaped and uploaded to the internet for eternity. But over everything, Chan knows Felix. He knows what his last smile meant, feels the trust Felix has on him and his gratitude. Chan has spent the last three years learning to read him like a book so he could be an ear to listen, a shoulder to lean on. So he could be anything Felix needed.

Or at least Chan though he knew him.

That uncomfortable pang under Chan’s ribs is back as if a strike of lighting had hit him when the memories of the past few days make themselves present. Especially today's events. Listening to Felix's lovely voice saying the words he has dreamed were directed towards himself one too many forbidden nights, and the unreasonable jealousy he felt watching through the glass that smile Chan thought Felix reserved only for him. 

As if he could sense Chan’s inner turmoil, Felix chooses that precise moment to turn around so they face each other, the last few cookies forgotten on the tray. Unintentionally, Chan traps Felix against the counter, one of his hands holding the cooling rack and the other in the middle of picking up a cookie.  

"Chan," Felix says, rather unsure. Chan freezes in his position, waiting for whatever Felix wants to say. "Are you… Are you okay? I mean, it’s not that I think you are like, not okay," he clarifies, meeting his eyes now instead of focusing on Chan’s nose. "But I… Y’know, in the studio, today, you seemed kinda off? Like, you haven’t acted like that since, like, we debuted. And I just wanted to know if anything has been bothering you recently? I um… I think this has been going on for more than a week now and I don’t know. Is it like, something that the guys or… I did? I just wanted to know if we… If we were okay? And if I could be of help, somehow?" He asks, brown eyes brimming with that sincerity that Chan loves.

It also makes Chan feel shitty for worrying him. 

"No, no, nothing is wrong, Lix. And I’m– I’m alright, like, overall. Uhm…" And Chan knows he must come up with a credible answer soon because Felix will be able to look right through his lie otherwise, but maybe. Maybe… "I. I just– It’s stupid, really." He lets go of both the rack and the spatula to turn away and avoid this attempt of a conversation. Dread, guilt, and shame filling his gut.

Before Chan can run away successfully, however, a small hand wraps itself securely around one of his biceps, not letting him go. 

"Wait! Hyung, really…" Felix tugs him closer. "You know that I would never, ever consider something that bothers you as stupid. Never." And fuck if Felix’s sincere care is not one of the reasons Chan wants to give everything he is in a silver platter to him. 

But he can’t, he shouldn’t. So instead, he says "Why not me?" the words blurting out before he has the chance to swallow and lock them up. "Uhhhh. I mean. Haha, I mean... Why didn’t you ask me to help you with the song, Lix? Like, Changbin is so good, I get it, and you feel comfortable recording with him, which is, so important too, but I’m. Good? Too? At music, and recording and stuff. And. And like. You didn’t even tell me you wanted to release a record, and I, I just thought you’d come to me, if you, like, wanted it, ever." Great. 

Felix looks mildly taken aback. "It’s that… It’s that it?" 

Chan huffs instinctively, somewhat hurt by Felix’s unexpectedly apathetic response. "I told you it was stupid, Felix," Chan tries to shrug himself off the other’s hold. 

Tries being the keyword, because Felix desperately tightens his grip, his other hand dropping to catch Chan’s wrist.  

"No! No, my God, Chan, I didn’t mean it like that, like at all. I– I swear. Can you just, please listen to me? …Please?"  

Chan nods. He is a weak man after all, doe eyes always have him signed for. Unintentionally, his body stiffs with the apprehension and fear of hearing more than what he is ready for.  

Felix takes a breath. "You know I’m not like… the best at words. But uh, alright. Chan. I didn’t ask you for help because… I can only imagine how stressed you’ve been since the situation with Hyunjin and, and you always carry all the burden the higher-ups put on you… besides of all the other, leaderly things that go in that big head of yours, and just, all the other songs you are working on your own for the next albums…" Chan does his best attempt to completely focus on Felix’ words, after all, he is the one that wanted to know, to hear Felix.  

However, half of his functioning brain is inevitably focused on the delicate twirling path that the hand Felix has on his bicep is making on its way down to his wrist, made even worse by the fact that apparently Felix is doing it unconsciously, his eager eyes pinned to Chan’s. "….and it’s not, it is not because I don’t trust in you or whatever other excuse I know you must have made worrying on your own."

Slowly, —torturously, oh so torturously—, Felix’ hand reaches its destination and intertwines their fingers, squeezing Chan's hand tightly to emphasize his words, and Chan makes a strangled sound that hopefully Felix heard as a hum.  

"Chan, you are… God, you’re the most talented person I know, you are the best producer I know. Hands down. There truly… there is no one, no one I trust more than you." His hand spasms in Felix’s hold. God, he also trusts Felix, has never had any reason not to, can’t phantom himself not doing it so.  

As Felix’s words wash over him leisurely and Chan tries to settle the work-mode part of him down, he catches sight of a faint glimmer on Felix’s waterline that has Chan ready to envelope him in a hug. Before he can move a single muscle, though, Felix’s lips tremble open before snapping shut again in a closed lip smile. "Chan, do you trust me? I… I need you to trust in me with this."

Chan nods, squeezing Felix’s hand back. He has to make it better, needs to make Felix happy, has to tell–. "I do, Lix. Of course I trust you, you’re like, like my real brother haha." 

He relaxes his hand. He shouldn’t.  

Felix grimaces and looks down, his expression flickering so quickly it could most probably pass as undetectable for someone other than Chan, but he looks back up immediately, the glint back on his eyes. "Weeeeell… if that’s settled… bro," Felix turns and picks a cookie up, rapidly blowing on it to cool it down before presenting it to Chan. "Here, hyung. Take a bite."

Chan… looks. 

"C’mon, hyung, gotta try ‘em while they are still warm so they can be gooey on the inside, I know that’s how you like them," he sways the cookie in front of Chan’s eyes, clutching his hand harder and shrieking back when Chan threatens to bite his fingers. "So? Verdict of my most crit– sorry, beloved consumer?" Felix corrects himself with a chuckle. 

"They are perfect, 10 outta 10, no comments," Chan answers around the softening dough in his mouth. 

"Well I’m glad, made them for you after all," Felix giggles, unaware of the way his words cut Chan’s breath short both with love and contrition. "And stop looking at me like this was such a hardship that you don’t deserve. I wanted to and I just, I thought you needed ‘em."

Distantly Chan senses shame color his ears, embarrassed over the way he’s been behaving. He feels like a moping lizard, crawling back into his long shedded younger-self-skin, and the thought makes him shudder. 

Felix eyes the dirty bowls and utensils with a grimace. "This is the only thing I dislike about baking." Chan squeezes his hand in a subtle apology. "Luckily, ‘m not alone this time. Hyung, can you help me clean so we can both go to sleep?" Felix does a little dance, swinging around Chan’s hand and Chan can only giggle, his stance relaxing as he falls into Felix once again. "I have an early start tomorrow."

Chan instantly misses the warmth of Felix’s hand when he lets go to make quick work of the kitchen, glad they’re back to their usual bantering dynamic and doing their best to keep their laughs low to not wake up the rest. Once the cookies are safely stored in two tupperwares, one for the members and one especially for Chan, they go into their room, Changbin already sleeping soundly. 

"Hey, hyung, can you help me with one more thing?" Felix asks from somewhere behind him as Chan undresses into his pajamas. A pair of boxers only in case he doesn’t sleep alone. 

"Sure, Lix. What’s up?" Chan turns on his heel to see Felix holding two different hoodies, both clearly an oversized fit. One in pastel blue and the other in pink. 

"So, to dress, ehr, we were discussing how to dress up for tomorrow's photoshoot with Changbinnie hyung, and he told me he’ll be wearing a pink dress shirt, the one with a ruffled neck that’s kinda romantic and I, I wasn’t sure what… I was wondering which one of these two should I go with?" Changbin again. Chan tries to shake his jealousy away, briefly considering the consequences for his singing if he beated his own stomach into a puree to stop feeling that bitter pang, before refocusing on the important thing here. Felix. Felix who has just asked Chan’s opinion because he trusts him. 

Breathing deeply, Chan scrutinizes both hoodies and Felix’s face, knowing that no matter which one he wears, Felix will still look attractive, and amazing, and ethereal, because Felix is the most beautiful human he’s ever seen. But he can’t say that tho, Felix wants an answer. "Ummmm, the pink one then. It will match better, uh, it could even make you look like a real couple hahahaha." He doesn’t know why he said the last part. 

"Hyung" Felix rolls his eyes, "What are you even saying? Well, the pink one it is," he says while throwing the pastel blue one into the closet. Might as well have been my heart, Chan thinks pathetically. "Hope Bin hyung also likes it."

"Haha I’m sure he’ll do it. Uh– Night, Lix," Chan says before quickly climbing up to his bed, back facing the room, not inviting Felix in. He tries to warm himself as much as he can with the covers, but no amount of extra bedding could make up for how cold he feels without Felix. 

It’s scary to think that maybe Chan’s never truly had him. 

⊹ ─ ☾ ❍ ☼ ─ ⊹ 

Dreams come, this time, the breeze ruffling the taller blades of grass around the rock Chan rests. His soft, scaly belly moves along the beating of his tiny heart, steady and full. The sun, —big, hot, kind—, keeps his cold-blooded frame warm, and his eyes close in bliss. 

Chan needs the sun. Chan loves it. Chan would certainly die without it.  

When the sky turns a soft orange and the sun hides behind the mountains Chan does feel like dying. No matter how much Chan calls for it, the sun still runs away.  

How naive. To think that because he had the privilege of basking on the sun’s warmth for so long he was special. 

His eyes open before he gets to know the sun rises for him again. 

⊹ ─ ☾ ❍ ☼ ─ ⊹ 

Chan wakes up, his three hours of sleep feeling more like a prolonged blink that leaves Chan’s eyes heavy and vibrating with colors than a pleasant slumber. Surprisingly, both Changbin and Felix’s beds are already empty. Good. 

With a grunt, Chan gets up and makes a quick stop by the bathroom to wash his face before going into the kitchen. It’s weirdly settling that the kitchen remains the same as it was after last night, when he got another sweet taste of what being with Felix could be like. The cookies-filled tupperwares on the counter mock him. 

"Ehhh, Chan-hyung. I don’t really know if you are like, having a moment or whatever over here but, can you please move? I’m two seconds away from starving and you standing right in front of the fridge isn’t helping me feed the beast," Jisung looks expectantly at him. He adds. "And yes, I did call my own stomach “the beast”. So, can you? I’m getting as old as you here," Jisung motions Chan to the side. 

"Jeez, sorry Sungie. Didn’t know the beast would wake up this early."

"You say early but it’s–" Jisung checks his phone before opening the fridge door and rummaging inside. "Almost 9 am, hyung. Even Lix and Changbin-hyung left already."

"Uh. Did you see ‘em?" 

"Yeah, but only ‘cuz Lix woke me up to lend him a shirt."

"A shirt? Why? He had an outfit ready."

"He wanted to, and I’ll quote him here 'elevate his look'. Don’t know if you remember but it’s the white one with the… ruffled neck," Jisung signals to his own neck, moving to get something out of the cupboards at the other side of the kitchen. "But you just woke up, right, hyung? So how did you know about Yongbok’s outfit?" he asks without looking up at Chan, placing a box of cereal on the counter.

"Uh, haha you know how Lix is, he always has everything ready, especially when it’s about fashion and stuff…" Jisung gives him a look. "And he might have asked for my opinion on it before we went to sleep," Chan answers sheepishly, reaching for a bowl to serve himself some breakfast too. Chicken breast and rice sound wonderful right now. 

"Mmhhmmhmmmmh," says Jisung, giving him a look again. 

"What?" 

Milk and cereal ready, Jisung sits at the table. "Oh! Nothing. Nothing, hyung," he says in a silly voice. 

Chan follows him closely. "Huh. Han Jisung, what is this about?" 

"Hyung. Honestly, sometimes I don’t know if all your worrying made you lose your last brain cells, or if you simply were born as dense as–" he stops to think. "–osmium."

"Wha–" 

"Nobody here knows what osmium is, Jisung-ah." A third voice joins, Minho bypassing them to get a pan and prepare his own meal. 

"First of all, good morning, hyung. I also slept well, thanks for asking!" Chan just stands there awkwardly as Jisung swings his spoon as if he was talking with someone in front of him. "And do neither of you watch NatGeo? Osmium is a type of metal. Actually, it’s like, the densest known material on Earth, for your information."

Minho gives him a brief look and resumes chopping his vegetables. "Unlike you, I don’t spend all my free time glued to whatever screen I can find. So no, I don’t watch NatGeo."

"Right,"!he snorts. "I forgot TV stars never watch the channels they are on. 'Anyone of these hopefuls could be the next big thing in kpop'," Jisung impersonates his best presenter voice. A ridiculously sharp flying carrot makes him shut up. "Anyways, as I was talking to Chan-hyung before we were rudely interrupted by some ill-mannered person–" he points towards Minho, getting only a deadpan expression in return. "I’m just saying that it’s been so long, hyung, and it’s really obvious by now. By both of you."

After recovering his breath from laughing, Chan asks. "Wha- What’s so obvious?" 

"Duh, you and Yongbokie, hyung," he lifts an eyebrow. 

Chan’s grip on the bowl tightens. 

"Huh?" 

"Jisung…" Minho intervenes. 

"Hyung I’m not gonna say anything!" Jisung whines back before turning his attention to Chan. "Come, hyung, sit. Alright. So, I’ll leave out of the equation all these freaking years of… events. But I need you to stay with me." He uses the spoon as a pointer. "Yesterday– sorry, today ‘cuz I know it was crazy early– you came home and Lix was awake, waiting for you–"

"Technically, he was napping on the–"

"–he stayed up until an ungodly hour to bake chocolate chip cookies, which are your favorites by the way–"

"Well, Lix likes them too–"

"–and as always, made pretty much an entire batch just for you and forbid us to touch it ‘cuz you’ve feeling down–"

"Uh– Lix did what now? You can of course ea–"

"Really, hyung?" Jisung cuts in. "You wouldn’t mind if I ate your cookies?"

Apparently it takes Chan a beat too long to reply. 

Jisung makes a frustrated sound. "This is what I mean ughhhhhh, you are so infuriating and weird about each other, Changbin-hyung thinks it’s cute but I just wanna shake some sense into you," he groans. 

Chan’s head is spinning. "I think I’m a bit lost."

"Hyung, I know you can work it in that genius head of yours. C’mon, acts of service, gifts giving, words of encouragement, quality time…" Oh no. "Love. Languages. You. And Lix."

Love. "Haha, uh, well. Of course. Like, I of course love Lix as I love all of you haha. And he also cares about me, naturally, and we’re close and get along well and uh, yeah." A weird sense of dread takes place in his stomach. Have they noticed? Oh God. 

"Hyung, calm down, it’s not a big deal. I can practically hear your mind running from over here." 

Food now forgotten, Chan’s grip on his chopsticks is knuckle-white. Has the staff noticed? No way. Bloody hell.

"Like, seriously, it’s all cool, we’ve even talked about it and–" 

"Pardon me? You’ve talked about what now?" Chan’s voice unwillingly rises, his mind an endless chain of ‘oh my gods’ as he processes what is going on. 

Distantly, he feels that Minho, who had been listening to the discussion rather silently, loudly sets his food down on the table and sits with them. The look he gives Jisung doesn’t go unnoticed. "Okay, I’m stepping in."

"Hyung I truly didn’t say anything–" 

"Enough. He has to figure it out on his own and you know it," Minho says directing a stern look at Jisung.

"But, hyuuung. It’s about time already. We all support it, and they’ve been dancing around each other for more than two years–"

"Oh my gosh." Chan can’t take it.

"–and Lix even wrote a song for him now–"

 "Jisung-ah."

"Lix what now?!" Chan hands leave his face to reveal both his eyes open like saucers. Minho sighs.

"C’mon, hyung. Felix wrote 'Because' for you," Jisung points as if obvious.

"Han. Ji. Sung."

A second passes in silence. "No. You are seriously getting it wrong. It’s a song for Stays." Chan tries to sound convincing even though he is panicking on the inside. Nonetheless, his mind quickly betrays him and shifts to the very reason he woke up 4 times that night. "And maybe Changbin," he mumbles dejectedly.

 Apparently not low enough because Jisung hears him. "Hyung, you can’t be serious."

"I’m very serious, Sungie." Chan’s chest feels constricted. "He wrote the lyrics thinking of our fans and it’s wrong to assume another way." Which is exactly what I’m doing, stupid brain.

 "Sure, hyung, whatever you say." Jisung rolls his eyes. "But I’m talking about you thinking he wrote them for, let me repeat it, Changbin hyung?"

 "Yeah, well… Fuck, I know I just said not to assume anything, but… If he did write them for someone, it’s a little bit obvious they are for him, isn’t it?"

"Hyung. The only obvious thing here is how much you both like each other." Jisung replies impassive.

"Alright that's enough," Minho interferes again. "I’m serious," he threatens Jisung with a wooden spoon when the latter opens his mouth to talk again.

"I’m also being serious here,"  Chan defends. "Felix chose Changbin to sing with. You get it? He chose him. And did you read the lyrics? They are sincere and pure." He grabs his head on both hands and his heart quivers painfully between his ribcage. "And have you seen the way they cling to each other all the time? Always hugging and even pecking each other." It hurts so much. "And how they look at each other? Felix’s eyes seem to shine every time." He doesn’t feel okay. "A– And the–"

"Whoa, whoa, hyung, breathe." Minho’s hand lands on his back, rubbing a few circles. "Hyung, it’s okay. Really. We didn’t know you were feeling this deeply about it." Chan shamefully registers the stinging in his eyes, threatening to spill over.

 "You can trust in us, you know?" Jisung adds, voice gone soft. "We’re not blind, hyung, and we will never judge you. Never. You are very important to all of us."

He’s ashamed to be seen like this, God, he just fucking teared-up in front of them. Chan can’t believe they’ve just talked casually about something that’s been tormenting him for so long. He feels like a rusted faucet that suddenly broke and now is overflowing.

Chan tries to find his footing, the leaderly part of him taking control as he wipes his eyes. "Thank you, guys. And sorry, you shouldn’t have to worry about me for this." He hangs his head lower and takes a few breaths to better compose himself.

"Don’t apologize. And Jisung-ah is right, hyung," adds Minho. "I’m sure he feels very sorry about how things turned out, but please listen to us." He moves his hand to grip one of Chan’s shoulders before continuing. "Whatever you feel, and whatever you want to do, it’s completely and absolutely up to you."

Chan feels his ears turning red.

"We had a, hunch about something and talked between us with the rest of the boys, and we all came to the same conclusion. We love you. Both of you. And that won’t change. We trust your judgment wholeheartedly, and we just want you to be happy." Minho tightens his grip a bit. "You’ve already done so much for us, hyung. Don’t sacrifice for us when there’s nothing to lose. We’re a team, which means we have and will always have your back. Okay?" Minho lets go of Chan's shoulder to pat it instead.

It’s a bittersweet feeling. Chan feels exposed. And grateful. And loved. And useless at the same time. "Again, thank you. Really." Chan slowly looks up and manages to catch sight of what he thinks is a head hiding behind a wall before turning so he can properly face both Minho and Jisung. "It means a lot to me, y’know." He sighs, and after so much time repressing how he feels, Chan decides that now that the cat is out of the bag, he might as well go all in. "But, even if I had f– feelings for Felix, contrary of what you might think, I highly doubt he feels the same. He sees me as his big brother, so there’s no use about it, haha."

He sees Jisung and Minho share a suspicious look. Jisung's eyes look as if pleading for something before the hardness in Minho’s makes him sigh and deflate in the chair.

"We won’t meddle in more, hyung. But… You should really, really talk to Felix." That said, Minho leaves the table so he can return to preparing his breakfast.

At that, the head Chan saw before moves from behind the wall to reveal a body. Well, two bodies, as Seungmin and Jeongin enter into the kitchen, not even hiding the fact that they eavesdropped the whole conversation.

 “Hey, old man, so... Me and Jeongin-ah were wondering if you were up to go eat something outside?” Seungmin asks first, Jeongin smiling hopefully behind.

 Chan doesn’t want to worry them more, so he shakes his shoulders and answers with a “Sure thing! We could invite Hyunjinnie too, what do you think?” He sees them both nod so he gets up and starts walking towards the rooms. “Get ready if you are missing something then, I’ll come back in a bit."

Once he is out of sight, the smile Chan had plastered on instantly drops, and he leans heavily against one of the walls. He can’t believe that has just happened. Apparently, they all think he likes Lix, —which is true—, but he thought he’d been hiding it well enough. He’s their leader, he’s supposed to be strong and impartial and dependable. Chan can’t help but think that he's somehow failed them.

But… But they also said they talked about it.

He swallows down the wave of discomfort that the thought of others dissecting his private life provokes him and tries to focus on the fact that they support Chan and whatever he wants to do.

Now, thinking back, none of the kids have acted notoriously weirdly with him. Sure, there’s the constant teasing, but they’ve never looked at him differently nor shown that he has lost their respect. They are thinking a good 100 steps ahead, however. He hasn’t even talked to Lix about his feelings. And what's that about Felix writing the song for him? Could it be true?

The song.

Changbin.

Fuck. If the kids have talked about it, then it means that Changbin himself also thinks that Chan likes Felix. Is that why he's been behaving so akward with Chan recently? Does he hate him, now? No. No. Because it’s Changbin. He wouldn’t hate Chan over something like this. It's not like he can control his own feelings. Right? Right?

Rather than doing something stupid, like crashing his head open against the wall, Chan shakes the thoughts away and actually moves towards Hyunjin’s room. He knocks on the door and waits before he hears a "Come in!" from inside.

Opening the door, the first thing he sees is Hyunjin sprawled out in the bed playing on his phone. Chan closes the door and approaches him.

 "Hey, Hyunjin-ah. Innie, Seungmin and I are going to grab something to eat." Chan sits on the bed and taps one of Hyunjin's shins. "Wanna come with us?"

Hyunjin puts his phone aside at that and sits ups. "No, hyung, thanks. I’m still… Um, not so sure about going out. Sorry." He looks embarrassed about it, looking down at his hands that were now in his lap.

Chan’s having none of it.

"Hyunjin-ah, look at me." Chan waits until he does and tightens his grip on Hyunjin's leg a bit. "It’s alright. It truly is. You know I’m not gonna force you to do something you don’t want to. You gotta face it whenever you are ready to. I can’t make the choice for you, but you must know that I will support yours." They’ve had variations of this conversation before, but Hyunjin's eyes never stop watering at his words. "It will pass. I promise. And the most important thing of it all, it’s that you have a lot of people supporting you, thousands, actually," Chan smiles, "and us. You’ll always have us."

Hyunjin uses the sleeve of his t-shirt to dry the little tears that escaped away, and then he looks up at Chan with a smile full of gratitude and care. "Thank you, Chan hyung, you always know what to say."

"I'm just trying my best as a leader, tho sometimes I feel I’m not the best at it, haha," Chan lifts his hand to play with the earring on his ear, dismissing the compliment. "I don’t like to leave you like this but I already told the kids I’d be going out with them, so I gotta go."

Chan is getting up when Hyunjin next words stop him. "Hyung! Also, about what you were talking about in the kitchen…" he looks down. "I– I’m sorry but the dorm is not that big and I could hear a bit, so… Umm. Okay. Yeah." Hyunjin makes sure to lock eyes with Chan before speaking. "Chan hyung. Jisung-ah and Minho hyung are right. It wasn’t entirely our place to talk when not even you’ve done it, but if you ever were to, we’re okay with it. More than okay, even. We’ll figure out how to make it work. We. We love you, and we want you to be happy above all."

Chan's heart (and ears) feels warm. "Thank you, Jinnie." He reaches to ruffle Hyunjin’s hair and finally gets off the bed. "We’ll see how it goes."

As Chan opens the door to leave Hyunjin's room, he turns around. "Ah, Hyunjinnie, one more thing before I go." Hyunjin meets his eyes expectantly. "Maybe you should try and open the window, because this room is starting to stink. Bye!" Chan quickly closes the door behind himself, avoiding the thud of what he supposes is a pillow and chuckles softly before going quiet.

 He sighs. There's a lot to think.

⊹ ─ ☾ ❍ ☼ ─ ⊹ 

Their small food trip goes well. Very well. The kids are funny and Chan has a good time. They surprisingly end up eating ramen in a small place a bit far from their apartment, Seungmin ordered a ton of side dishes, and then Jeongin insisted on getting those caramel thread candies before heading back.

Now, the three of them walk along the river mostly unrecognized, basking in the calmness that surrounds them, only the youngsters breaking their silent bubble every so often to pinpoint something interesting that has caught their eye or taking pictures along the riverside. Chan has been quiet, thinking hard about what happened back at the dorms, grateful that the kids have given him space to stroll along a little behind and not pressuring him to interact when he seems too distracted.

Inevitably, he’s reflecting on the past few weeks, since the very day JYP came to him, a contrite Changbin tagging behind, and asked Chan to arrange their song along the others of the album. About his own feelings concerning Felix. Wondering if it was worth the risk. If a love like this, —encompassing, boundless, inspiring—, was worth risking their careers if they ever were to be exposed. And in the worst case, if Felix didn’t feel the same, the risk of losing his friendship as it is maybe forever.

Contrary to what his members might think of him now in this regard, he isn’t a totally unaware idiot.

He knows the relationship he has with Felix might be more than a brotherly friendship. Emphasis in might. The possibility of it always lingering at the back of his mind along all his over the moon fantasies that he has found himself using as inspiration to write more than once. Chan knows it’s never been only about Changbin. It’s just easier to make it about Changbin and Felix than facing his own cowardliness.

Because ever since he wrote 'Stray Kids' on that pice of paper and the stage lights shone on them, he's felt that more than Chris, before than Chris, he was the leader of their group. The one responsible for them all. Responsible for their team's dreams. He is scared shitless of taking the wrong step, of messing up what they already have. So knowing they support him, them, knowing everything that it entails… it moves him.

Of course they’ll need to talk it better, make plans, make sure everyone that works closely with them is on board. But their trust and willingness to do so, how easy they've made it seem in a single day, how possible, has left Chan with seemingly no more excuses.

They've reminded him that they’re not just a work team, they are a family. And that means he’s not only their leader, he’s also Christopher. The 23-year-old boy who has hopes and dreams, and loves with all his sappy hidden heart. And maybe, maybe with the kids support he might finally be brave enough to also become Felix's boyfriend.

Unexpectedly, a silly laugh escapes out of him so suddenly that he stops on his track. He's getting way too ahead of himself, but he notes, relieved, that the gut wrenching anxiousness that's become so familiar to him has lessened a bit.

Seungmin and Jeongin laugh companionably a few meters ahead of him.

Chan turns away and looks at the great expanse of the water pass the railing. For a brief moment, as the sun shines and Chan catches sight of his reflection on the river, he feels fear crawling back into his heart. But as he remembers soulful eyes, freckled cheekbones and the lovely swoop of a nose, Chan inhales deeply and closes his fists, calming himself down. You can do it. Chan decides that for once, just once in his life, he’ll be a little bit selfish.

When he turns his eyes back to the road, Seungmin and Jeongin are waiting for him.

You can do it, Chan. It doesn't have to be today.

⊹ ─ ☾ ❍ ☼ ─ ⊹ 

Oh. It definitely has to be today.

Once they get back to the dorms, Chan quickly notices that Changbin and Felix photo-shoot is over. As he, Seungmin, and Jeongin take their shoes off, Chan can hear the kids chatting. Chan can hear Felix talking, more specifically.

Chan inhales deeply again, fingers fumbling with his shoelaces. He feels jittery and excited, and like all the words he has never said will burst out of him as soon as he and Felix get a minute alone. Chan is nervous, but knows that the sooner he talks with Felix, the better.

They walk into the living room and Felix immediately jumps from his place at the table with Minho and Hyunjin to greet the younger ones with a hug. He has taken off his makeup and changed into new clothes, now wearing the pastel blue sweater from last night paired up with light grey joggers. Fuck, he looks so soft and cute. The rest of the boys keep talking after Chan greets them, but he can no longer hear them as Felix turns his way and smiles so so warmly at him.

"Hey, Channie!" Felix says, linking arms with Chan to move them towards the couch and sit together.

Chan feels awful as he only half listens to Felix talks about his day and how good the photo-shoot went. In all fairness, it's only because Chan is busy rehearsing on his mind how he could possibly confess the depth of his love for Felix and still leave room for backtracking into a safer bro-zone should he truly read it all wrong.

He still tries to pay attention when Felix goes on about how the stylists congratulated them for matching the vibe perfectly and shows Chan the pictures he’s thinking of uploading to Instagram for the fans to see.

And Chan has to admit, they do look good together. They seem very comfortable with each other, all that soft gazes and matching colors and wait– is Changbin holding Lix’s hand? Chan has to squint his eyes to look better at the pixels on Felix's screen, confirming that yes, Changbin was grabbing Felix’s wrist from where it hung over his shoulder in a side hug. Chan's stomach churns at the scene, and he can feel the crippling doubt bubbling to the surface once again.

Maybe confessing to Felix isn't the best idea after all. Maybe Felix really does likes Changbin and he’s just very very lovely to him on a brotherly level. Maybe–.

His thoughts scatter away when Felix rests a warm hand sideways across his own, tracing delicate lazy circles over it. Chan tries to act nonchalant and turns lightly to see Felix's face, finding that Felix wasn’t even looking at him, now talking with Seungmin about a new videogame. This is it, Chan blinks. What more do I need to just do it?

Feeling his determination coming back, Chan excuses himself out and goes into one of the bathrooms, shutting the door behind him and leaning over the sink. He grips it and looks at himself through the mirror. You can do it, Christopher. You've done harder. You came to Korea being only 13. You’ve been brave all your life. And nothing can go wrong, it’s Felix. It’s just Felix.

He taps the water on and splashes his face, tapping it dry and applying a bit of Hyunjin’s cream (Chan makes a mental note of buying Hyunjin another one if everything goes alright), before rushing into his shared bedroom.

Chan thanks God Changbin isn't here. It gives him time to pace across the expanse of the room and practice his speech. He might be choosing to be brave, but he’s still Chan.

"Hey, little one. No, no, I think Felix will be better for this. Hey, Felix. So, I gotta tell you something, and I really hope this doesn’t change anything between us, haha. Em no. Actually yes, I do want for it to change things between us. But totally in a not bad way! It’s just that, you see– I–" Chan is still muttering to himself when the door opens. Chan can only gape in horror as he watches Felix enter the room with a troubled expression on, a mix of worry and seriousness, and asks him if everything is okay from his place at the door.

 Chan closes his mouth shout. "Of course, little one, everything is alright."

"Chan…" Felix sighs. "I know something is going on. You’ve been so strange this pasts days and I can’t help but feel like it’s, I don’t know. Like it’s my fault."

As Chan rushes to open his mouth to reassure him that he is definitely not to blame, just his monkey wired brain making stupid assumptions, Felix stops him with a shake of his head.

 "Actually, no. No, don’t lie." He sees Felix take a deep breath, knuckles white, and lock his fiery eyes on him. "I– I have to tell you something, Chris."

Chris. Chan’s mind freezes and goes through a hundred scenarios by second.

"I’m so sorry, I could've been more upfront about it. But I– I was scared shitless of fucking this up, not gonna lie, haha." Lix was scared of talking to him? "But now I’m just, tired of pretending, and I want to know if I have a chance."

Chan watches in stunned silence, almost glued to the floor as Felix passes by him to open one of his drawers, pulling out a pair of earphones and a cassette player? I didn’t know Lix had one.

 "Ahhhhhh, I really hope this goes well." Felix laments as he takes out a pink cassette from the little bag that was sitting in his bed. "So, do you remember that time we talked about our childhood music-related memories?" he continues, grabbing Chan’s hand to tug at him so they both sit on the bed, facing each other. Chan let's Felix move him, still dumbfounded.

"You told me that your parents, music lovers, had about a thousand tapes, and that you used to listen to them together in your living room stereo." Felix laughs fondly as if it were his own memory, shaky fingers placing the pink cassette inside the player, though his voice remains sure. "And that once you were older, you found an old Walkman your parents had in the attic and asked them to gift it to you." Felix closes the lid and inserts the earphones plug into the audio outlet. "You would grab a bunch of random cassettes and listen to them all afternoon. You even lied in bed and played sappy love songs as you sang when you had your first crush."

Then, Felix carefully places the earbuds in Chan’s ears, handing him the player. "I thought a lot about how to do this. Do you know there’s like, just two or three places around that burn songs into cassettes nowadays? Changbin and I had to search for hours before finding on Facebook an old man who had a radio that could do it. And mate, it was a trip." Chan just looks at him in a sort of trance, trying to make sense of everything Felix both saying and not saying to him before he explodes.

"Anyways. Chris, I know it might seem strange, but I do think– and hope, I’m not the only one who feels this way." Felix takes another breath and smiles at him. "This song is for you. I mean every verse so listen to the lyrics carefully, yeah?" He comes closer and places a chaste kiss on Chan’s cheek. "Ready when you are," Felix whispers, voice wobbly.

Chan feels his own body tight as a rope, the butterflies in his stomach bumping into each other again and again as they fly wild and blindly. Chan hovers his trembling thumb over the play button for a breath (or maybe two) before he presses it.

The music surrounds him immediately.

As he takes the first notes in, Chan holds his breath without realizing and looks marveled at Felix as he listens to the words that now sound in his ears.

’Cause I like you,

There’s no other reason, I like you,

When I watch you smile, there’s nothing more I could ask for,

‘Cause I just like you

Chan looks into Felix’s eyes, which are sparkling, and he feels a mix of emotions that threatens to take him out. Relief, first and most, warm and overwhelming. Then, he shamefully realizes he's been an idiot. But neither feeling lasts long before they're swallowed by something bigger. Happiness, and a love so immense it almost hurts.

Listening to your stories has become my hobby,

Feels like the shortest time of the day,

I wanna listen to all your worries,

Let me share your load

So you can break free from the heavy burden

You’ve been carrying

Chan can clearly remember all those nights they lay in their squeaky bunk-bed, hushedly retelling their days, and the way Felix muttered into Chan's curly hair that he could always trust and rely on him. That he was not alone, would never be. Chan reaches out to take one of Felix’s hand in his own as he sees him now mouthing along to the lyrics.

You can lean on me

Until your cloud of worries disappear from your clear eyes,

What’s giving you such a hard time

I’m serious, I’d rather hurt instead of you,

Even though you look the prettiest when you smile,

When you just wanna cry, don’t fake a smile

Chan tightens his grip on Felix's hand, his mind going back to the few times Felix found him on the bathroom floor trying to contain his tears and silence his sobs. The critiques, the attention, and the pressure too much to bear some days. Chan can see light as the day how Felix sat beside him, hugged him, and told him that it was okay to cry. The way he spoke so honestly to Chan that each time he felt reshaped by Felix's care and genuineness.

I wanna be with you all day,

I like your honest expression,

I like that you’re not good at hiding your facial expressions,

So don’t conceal it

Chan remembers little bits of all the conversations they've had at their couch late at night. How Felix would joke and say that Chan was such an open book, displaying his emotions everywhere he went, notion that Chan would refuse, saying that Felix only noticed because he knew Chan too well. The arch of Felix's smile when he said that yeah, he knows his Channie hyung too well.

’Cause I like you,

There’s no other reason, I like you,

When I watch you smile, there’s nothing more I could ask for,

‘Cause I just like you

Carefully, as if scared still, Felix takes the earphones off and with a deep and slightly trembling voice, sings to him the last lines of the song. The remaining beats play faintly and distorted like a mumble, encouraging. If Chan wasn’t already crying, he certainly would have started now.

I just really love you,

You’re the only reason why I really love you,

When I see you smile I just can’t get enough

And I can’t live without you,

Baby I just really love you

Chan knows he must look horrible right now, snot clogging his nose, tears all over his face, shoulders jumping with his hiccups and body trembling. He doesn’t care, can't care. He just launches himself at Felix and hugs him, arms around his neck as Chan dries his tears using his clothes the best he can.

"Fe– Felix, I–"

"God, I hope these are happy tears," Felix laughs, wobbly, engulfing Chan in his embrace.

"They are," Chan chokes out. "Of course they are, Lix. I like you too."

It's Felix's turn to gasp now, his chest shaking as he tears up and looks for Chan's face. "Truly? You like me back?"

"Lix," Chan says, untangling himself from Felix’s arms to hold his hands. He levels his voice the most he can. Courage, Chris, courage. "I love you." Chan holds eye contact to add "Not like a brother, little one. But with my whole self."

 Felix makes a sound like a sob.

"Felix, I’m– I love you. I love you so much. You are my little sun, my starry night, my other half, my soulmate. You are my home, I meant it. Seeing you makes me happy, I could watch you for hours. And it's not just because you are the most beautiful human I’ve ever seen."

Felix blushes and one of Chan's hands lands on his cheek, feeling it go warmer. "I could watch you forever because you– you make my days. You always say you wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me. Well, I wouldn’t be able to go on if it wasn’t for you, my love." Chan rubs softly at his cheek and catches the teardrops falling from Felix’s eyes. "I don’t wanna sound cliché, but– I truly wouldn’t know what to do without you, Lix." Chan breathes a laugh and continues. "I was so scared of what would happen if I were to confess and ruin all of the kid's dreams, but. For me, there’s no dream that doesn’t have you on it." Chan moves forward to connect their foreheads. "I’m sorry for being jealous and making you feel guilty, Lix. I want– more than anything, maybe, to have a forever with you. Will you let me try?" Chan finishes, taking in the wholeness of Felix happy face.

"Channie hyung, Chris... I love you too," Felix answers with that one-of-a-kind smile. The smile Chan now knows it’s just for himself. Has always been for just himself. "I obviously want to try forever with you."

Chan sees Felix's eyes settle on his own lips. Heart racing, Chan thinks to himself that if Felix was bold enough to write him a song that will forever exist, Chan can also be courageous enough and–.

Felix comes forward and their lips collide.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, Chan thinks.

Felix's lips are a thousand, a million times better than what Chan allowed himself to dream of. At first it's just a touch, rather timid for all of Felix's boldness. Their shaky breaths sound loud crashing against the other, heartbeat thrumming in Chan's ears. It's Chan who moves this time, starting a slow dance for their lips to explore for the first time.

They part lightly to breathe before kissing again, and oh, Chan knows he won't ever be able to forget the softness of Felix's lips. Not with the way Chan traps Felix's lower lip in between his own, feeling its plumpness and earning a soft sigh that he catches in his breath. Or the way Chan realizes there’s a small dent on the soft flesh because Felix has a habit of biting them, which leads to Chan tentatively slide the tip of his tongue over it. Felix moans, low in his throat and opens up.

It’s over for Chan. He shyly meets Felix's tongue with his own before rubbing them together and mapping the inside of Felix's mouth with it. Chan feels desperate and deliriously holy. Grander than if all his prayers were answered.

Somehow, Felix ends up sitting on Chan’s lap, scrambling to get them chest to chest. Felix tangles his hand on Chan’s hair, massaging his scalp enough to get a shudder ripple through Chan's body. Chan's hand are settled securely on Felix’s waist, and he sucks on Felix's upper lip eagerly before diving inside again. The only sounds are the wet slide of their lips and erratic breaths. They break the kiss only when Felix squirms dangerously in Chan’s lap, gasping a moan.

"Channie, wow..."

 Chan giggles, breathless. "Yeah, Lix, wow."

They share a silent look before erupting in laughter. It feels so good to be together like this. Both of them euphoric and giddy as they lean in to share a small peck. The depth of Chan's happiness threatens to narrow his world to a blur. He knows for sure his dimples are showing.

"So, Chan," Felix drags. "What was that about being jealous?" He plays with Chan’s hair, still on his lap.

"Oh. That, haha," Chan tries to laugh it off. "Nothing, really, it was stupid." Chan feels his ears turn red under Felix's mischievous gaze.

"Channie c’moooon. We gotta talk about our feelings if we want to be in a relationship, don't we?"

"A relationship?" Chan teases.

Felix looks sheepish. "Well, yeah... I don’t know, I thought that now we both know how we feel we’d be in a relationship. But, like, if that’s not something you want right now it’s totally okay, I mean–" Chan kisses him dumb, dizzy with delight.

"Lix, I definitively wanna be in a relationship with you. I already told you, you are my world." Chan pecks Felix's lips again.

"Ok," Felix smiles. "So... What was it about?"

"Ahhhhhhhh... I feel so stupid now," Chan laments, covering his face with his hands. "It’s just that. I– I was really jealous of Changbin," he mutters reluctantly.

"What? Jealous of Changbin?" Felix asks, dumbfounded. "Why were you jealous of Changbin hyung?"

"Because... Because you chose him to work together. For your song. And– And you always seemed so close so I thought the song and everything, really, was for him. And I don’t know, it was so childish and selfish now that I think about it." Chan is pretty sure his ears are going to catch on fire any moment now.

"Chan," Felix softly says as he takes hold of Chan's wrists and separates them from his face. "You. Are. The. Only. One. I. Love," he punctuates each word with a kiss on Chan’s forehead, temples, nose, and cheeks to finish on his mouth. "I meant what I said that day, —yesterday—, back in the kitchen. You are the best producer I know. You also are who I trust the most in the world. But I wanted this to be a surprise, so I went to Changbin hyung. Neither of us expected JYP to rope you into producing it with us," he sounds kind of exasperated ,"but we went along with it because I really wanted you to like the song too," Felix says shyly. "Also. Chanbing hyung was going crazy keeping it a secret from you. I don't think he could have endured it much longer."

"I can see it now," Chan laughs. "Lix. I loved the song. It’s perfect. Thank you." He leans forward, smiling, to kiss Felix’s forehead. "And I also love you."

Chan closes his eyes, meaning to meet again in a kiss when the bedroom door opens suddenly.

“Yo, Yongbok, weren’t you gonna take a piss? What’s taking you so lon– Ahhhhhhh my eyes fuck fuck fuck, tie a sock on the knob, oh my God!" Jisung screams as soon as he sees them kissing.

They quickly separate their lips and Felix moves to sit beside Chan’s, who takes his hand onto his own. Chan feels embarrassed to be caught making out, but not of Felix. Never of Felix.

"Holy shit, I guess your confession went well then, Lix." Jisung looks fondly at the two for a second. "I’m very happy for you. Now, if you excuse me," he clears his throat. "Yo, guys it freaking worked! The cat and Yongbok are out of the bag!" Jisung screams as he leaves them alone again, closing the door firmly shut.

Chan hears hollers from the living room and can just laugh, Felix joining in. Chan grips his hand tighter, heart jumping excitedly when he receives a squeeze back.

There’s a ton to plan and think about. But as long as they have each other, as long as they get to smile together, everything will be worth it.