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Tommy loved being a content creator, he truly did. However it was exhausting, he spent the majority of his time filming and editing videos, along with the addition of streaming.
Sometimes he felt like he needed a break, but he knew he couldn't. Tommy was scared that if he stopped streaming, even for a few days, he'd become irrelevant, and his views would drop. He knew it was stupid, and he knew that he had countless fans who would always support him, but it didn't make much of a difference. He was still scared, so he didn't take a break.
Even when he got no sleep, and he could barely keep his eyes open, he would find a way to do something. The thought of being unproductive was constantly in the back of his head.
In all honestly, it was becoming a problem. Tommy wasn't being healthy, and he was aware of that. He'd stopped eating as often to 'save time', and simple things like brushing his teeth, and showers were becoming rarity.
He wasn't sure if the only thing worrying him was his streaming career anymore. Then one day, when everything finally become too much, Tommy suddenly wasn't himself anymore. It was like the flip of a switch, and felt as if he was watching the world through a computer screen, like when he was playing Minecraft with his friends.
He missed that, he hadn't played Minecraft in a long time. Of course, he actually had, he was playing Minecraft with Tubbo just hours before that thought. Time felt meaningless when he was in this state.
When Tommy woke up and finally felt normal he was terrified. The sun felt like it was shining straight through his head into the back of his skull, and the sheets covering him felt too heavy. He was confused, everything looked so clear, and he could think properly. The haze and blur of the world he had gotten use to was gone, it felt like a safety net was yanked out from underneath him.
After a good hour he managed to coach himself up and out of bed, slowly making his way to the bathroom, ignoring his pounding headache and aching stomach. Tommy stared into the mirror and was genuinely scared of the person looking back on him. His hair was greasy and knotted, and he was worryingly skinny. He couldn't remember the last time he ate, he couldn't remember the last time he did a lot of things.
His toothbrush sat on the counter next to the sink, Tommy wanted more then anything to grab it and brush his teeth, he was aware of how badly his teeth hurt, and how terrible his breath smelled, but he didn't have it in him. He left the bathroom without doing anything meaningful, at least now he knew that he looked like a train wreck.
Tommy's phone sat on his bed-side table, he hadn't used it in a while, he thinks. He really had no way of being sure. When he picked his phone up he was immediately alarmed by the amount of unanswered messages. He clicked into the top one. Wilbur. It was him repeatedly asking Tommy why he hadnt spoken to him recently, him wishing him Happy Birthday, then back to a number of messages of him getting more and more concerned. His birthday? Tommy didn't think that was particularly soon. At least a few weeks away. Did he miss his birthday? surely not. This was something he was excited for, he wouldn't accidentally miss it. But sure enough, when he checked the date it was April 15th. Tommy put his phone down after that.
He lied on his bed for a while, his mother came in once, but he ignored her. She seemed worried, but he was too tired to process what she was saying. He slowly drifted off to sleep, thinking that a nice sleep would help him feel better.
It didn't. He felt a lot worse then before, the nausea in his stomach grew bigger, his whole body ached, and it felt as though his eyes were being poked out with a fork. It was strange, for the past month he didn't really feel things like this, or when he did it didn't bother him, but it did now.
Tommy almost missed it. Not being able to feel things properly. He knew that it was actually bad, and hurt him a lot more then it helped, but he missed the comfort of it. He missed when nothing felt real, and it was as though there was a thick pane of glass between him and the rest of the world. He knew he was safe when things were like that, so when the feeling came again he didn't bother to fight it, he accepted it happily. He drifted to sleep with a smile, knowing he was protected from the rest of the world.
This happened often now. Every few days things would be clear, and on those days Tommy streamed, and filmed, edited, and uploaded as much as he could, knowing that when he was like that he struggled to do those things. Streaming while on autopilot was difficult, Tommy had learnt this the hard way. His skin was sickly and the bags under his eyes were more prominent then ever, so his face cam was turned off, he rarely talked, and when he did his voice was raspy. He didn't really remember those streams, and they always went terribly, so he didn't bother to stream like that anymore.
After a little he stopped streaming and uploading entirely. The fear of not doing those things was the very reason Tommy fell down this rabbit hole in the first place, but now he couldn't care less. He didn't have the energy to move, and he didn't find the need to. The real world didn't worry him anymore. It didn't feel safe.
Tommy was in hospital. He wasn't sure when he was admitted there, although he remembered bright red and blue flashing lights. He thinks that he saw Wilbur once, he was sitting on a chair next to the bed speaking to him. Tommy couldn't understand what Wilbur was saying so he ignored him.
Hurting and pushing people away is not something that Tommy intended to do, but it happened more then he would like to admit. When everything felt real again he messaged Wilbur apologizing for ignoring him, Tommy told him he didn't mean to and he was grateful that Wilbur cared about him. He wasn't awake long enough to see what Wilbur said back to him.
It was July now, Tommy was still in hospital, but he felt better. He managed to eat an actual meal the other day, not just the weird liquid from the feeding tube. He also was able to message Tubbo, and he quickly tweeted a short paragraph saying that he was taking a break for personal reasons, and would stream soon. Truthfully, Tommy wasn't sure when soon would be.
As much as he longed the safety of his old mindset, he truly wanted to get better.
In early August Tommy was released from hospital. He had a good therapist, and with her help he hadn't been in the headspace for multiple months now. He also talked to his friends just as much as he used to now. But he still hadn't streamed. He desperately wanted too, but he was still too scared. He was somewhat active on twitter thought, and the overwhelming support from his fans made him want to stream even more. But he now knew that they understood that he was a person too, and that he needed a break sometimes.
The date was now 24th of September, and with a lot of help from his friends, he was ready to stream again. Honestly, Tommy was terrified, but he ignored how anxious he was and started streaming. The familiar music of his intro was playing, and his chat was going insanely fast, all welcoming him back. Tommy looked at himself in the stream, he looked healthier, a genuine smile was brought to his lips and everyone in chat noticed how he happy he looked.
The song was building up, and Tommy hummed along to it, whilst he grabbed a can of Coke which sat beside him. He turned to the camera and smiled. As the beat dropped and he heard the ‘hey listen!’ Tommy opened the Coke and a satisfying click could be heard, along with a gush of bubbles sizzling.
"Welcome back everyone to the stream! How are we?”