Work Text:
He ran his hand over his face, the facial hair on his chin felt out of place, but he couldn't bring himself to do anything about it. He looked in the mirror and wondered who the man in the reflection was, really? Who was he? He felt old. Older than his age. He wondered if it was like cat years when you were in prison. Each year felt like what six or seven?
He felt older.
Too old.
And alone.
He frowned and pulled his hair up and away from his face. Pulling it into a ridiculous bun. It wasn't really him either — whatever that meant. But again, what could he do about it. But he pulled away from his face, not liking how the hair felt when it brushed against his face.
He turned and grabbed his jacket. It was wool. It was warm. It itched. But it fit, and he needed it. He stepped out of the little flat he was renting. It was better than nothing. But he hated being it. It wasn't much bigger than his cell had been…
He liked to remind himself he was out.
Not that he felt out.
He felt lost.
He walked down the street, head bent down against drizzle, and walked into the coffee shop. It was busy, it always was, but he liked the buzzing noise of it, the clatter — he'd thought maybe noises and too many people would cause him issues or flashbacks. That he'd some reaction to those things on getting out of prison, but it was the quiet that got to him.
Because his mind would spin the same circles it had for the five years, he was in prison. Five. Only five. Though it felt longer, it felt massive, and the world — well, his world — had changed while he was gone.
There were things you weren't allowed to get back.
The best part of his life was behind him.
The worst part was maybe becoming behind him.
He hadn't a clue what to do with whatever was next.
Did he really deserve a next?
He sat down in his usual spot after ordering an Americano — just for the familiarity of it — and pulled out the newspaper to stare at the job ads and not have a clue what ones to apply to. He had a job, part-time. They'd set it up for him as part of his release from prison. It wasn't much, it was in a small office, they sold paper…
He could do it in his sleep.
He just wanted something more challenging.
Maybe it'd wake him up.
Did he deserve to wake up?
His phone rang. It startled him. Phone calls weren't part of his daily experience anymore. He pulled it out of his coat and looked at it. At Vic's number…
He wished he hadn't told her he was out.
It rang.
And rang.
He almost didn't answer it.
But guilt got to him. The loneliness got them.
"Hi, Vic…" he said and braced himself for her to sound overly chipper. For her to brightly wish him a happy birthday. Where he felt twice as old as he was…
There was silence.
"Vic?" he repeated and started to pull the phone away from him. To see if the call dropped.
"Robert…"
It wasn't his sister.
He closed his eyes.
"Robert…" the voice said again, all soft gravel, in the way only Aaron could muster.
"Aaron…"
"You aren't at your flat."
Robert blinked.
"Where are ya?"
"What…" Robert frowned. "How do you…"
"Did you think I wouldn't find out?" it was an accusation.
"Aaron…"
"What are you playing at, Robert? What were…"
Robert winced as he heard that familiar intake of breath Aaron took when he was trying to sob.
"I'm sorry…" he breathed out like a reflex…and he wasn't sure he was happy it was one.
"Yeah, me too. Tell me where you are."
"Down the street…coffee shop."
"Don't move."
He nodded.
"Robert…"
"I won't."
He put the phone down and stared at it. Watched the time tick. And the more the minutes changed, the more he told himself he'd dreamed the whole thing. It'd just been a bright, stupid fantasy…
He heard workboots on the floor, saw a shadow, and looked up. And there was Aaron. He looked unchanged. A dark hoodie, scruffy face, maybe a bit more like how it'd been when they met as opposed to the last time he saw…
The last time he saw Aaron, he said goodbye.
Aaron scowled where he stood, then he was sitting down.
Robert inhaled.
Aaron stared at him.
Robert looked down and fiddled with his phone.
"Always told ya you couldn't grow a beard."
Robert snorted but didn't dare lookup.
"Happy Birthday."
Robert shook his head.
"Look at me."
He slowly looked up, and Aaron's eyes were still blue. Like the rest of him looked the same.
"Vic showed up at my place last night."
"Why'd she do that?"
"Because she didn't know what to do for your birthday."
"Nothing, she should do nothing…"
Aaron frowned. "Did you tell her not to tell me?"
"Aaron, why would you care?" Robert asked.
"Why…" Aaron snorted. "You're an idiot."
"It's been years, Aaron. I left. We had too…"
"No, we didn't."
Robert stared at him and shook his head. "You agreed."
Aaron shook his head, but he sighed.
"It's alright. I wanted you to."
"No, you made me mad, so mad, and it hurt, and then… It felt too late to fight."
"Aaron, there was no reason to fight…"
"Yes, there was…" Aaron sighed. "And regretted it all the time. I do regret it. It catches up with me. I'll be fine, and then I'm wondering why I didn't fight hard to see ya, to stop the divorce…"
"Aaron, you deserved…"
"Better?"
Robert nodded.
"You're an idiot."
Robert shrugged.
Aaron frowned.
"You should go, Aaron. Back home."
"So, should you."
Robert stared at him.
"Vic didn't know what to get ya, so she came clean and told me."
"What, she'd think you'd be my birthday present?"
"Think she did."
"That's stupid. She's naive."
"She's…" Aaron sighed. "She's your sister, and she loves ya. As annoying as you are….and I…"
"Have a life."
"Don't pretend to know what my life is, Rob… And what about your son."
"Your son…" Robert said, but his voice broke.
"Couldn't even talk to me then…I fought a bit then."
"I know."
"Robert…" Aaron sighed.
Things fell silent.
Aaron kept looking right at him.
He kept looking away.
Aaron sighed and pulled out his phone.
Then he slid it under Robert's nose.
He was looking down, so he saw the picture right away. Seb reading a book. His entire body froze up, his whole world tipped forward and back, and he felt a buzzing crawl up his spine. He'd felt it all before, felt like his entire world was both upended and created in one instant. The first time he saw Seb, he felt this too…
This momentous thing and love like he never knew.
The only love had a chance of knocking him over even harder than Aaron.
"Don't…" his voice sounded wrecked.
"What, show you your son, our son…" Aaron's voice was low. "I don't…I'm mad at ya. I'm more than… I'm mad at the situation, and I don't even know how you got out…"
"Someone turned themselves in for the murder."
"What?"
"Someone else…" Robert looked up. "A woman, she turned herself in, couldn't live with it… despite what the monster did, and they investigated her story. It wasn't the shovel. It was something they did. I got out on time served for GBH."
Aaron nodded.
"But it doesn't matter…"
"Robert…" Aaron sighed. "I...remember."
He looked up, something about Aaron's tone. He stared into those blue eyes.
"I remember," Aaron said with a hard breath, tears falling from his eyes. "I remember that you love me, that you love me…and that I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. I remember. I remember, because you asked me too, you made me promise not to forget."
"Aaron…" he clacked his teeth together as his chin wobbled violently.
"I remember…and I always have. I remember I remember that… I remember you. Us. And I can't move on… I can't remember that and move on at the same time. You asked me to do two things, too hard things — because it's hard to remember us and not have us exist…It was empty, Robert. I was empty, and you…."
Robert inhaled.
"Look at ya, you're a mess, you're hallow. I see it. I know you. You…. Don't belong alone in some cheap flat, with that nest on your chin and fucking man bun... You're supposed to be Robert Sugden, the man I love."
"Don't…"
"What? It's true, Robert. I love ya, I always will, and I could never… settle. Or hurt anyone else by doing it. Because… it's you."
"I don't deserve…"
"Me?" Aaron snorted and wiped at his eyes. "I only work with you."
Robert stared at him.
"Come back to Emmerdale."
"Aaron…"
"Not home with me, not yet, we have to…shout and argue and get mad. We need to deal with the anger both of us have."
Robert shut his eyes.
"But come home, Robert. Meet Seb, please, and deal with that too."
"I…" he looked at the picture of his son again. His beautiful boy. His amazing kid…
"You belong with your family, Robert. Vic, Seb…Me."
Robert met Aaron eyes again — like he could ever stop himself from trying to drown in them. He felt his heart racing like it was beating for the first time in his chest… hard and fast. He was… scared, terrified.
Alive.
"Robert… give yourself a chance on your birthday…us…give us another chance."
"That's mad…that's…" Robert shook his head. "I'll hurt ya…"
"So?"
"Aaron…"
"The pain has never outweighed the good, Robert."
He shut his eyes.
"It won't be easy," Aaron nodded. "Like I said, I'm angry, and I know you are too."
Robert nodded.
"But…Vic, she told me you were out. She told me you refused to come home or even talk about me. Or Seb."
"Better off…"
"But we aren't… you're a hole in our lives, Robert."
"Seb can't miss what he doesn't…"
"He remembers you."
Robert startled at that. "What?"
Aaron nodded. "He remembers you reading to him and how big he felt when he was on your shoulders. He remembers missing you when you disappeared."
Robert wiped at his face.
"We need ya, whatever else, Robert, we just need ya. I think you need us."
"I don't know how?" Robert muttered.
"One second at a time," Aaron said.
Robert reached over the table.
Aaron quickly grabbed his hand and smiled. "Happy Birthday."
"Maybe might be…" Robert found himself smiling.