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“I wish it was you!” Jin Ling yelled, “And I wish that he was the uncle who was here. Not you!”
Anger flashing, Jiang Cheng saw Jin Ling stomp to his room and slam the door close. Jiang Cheng sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.
He almost wanted to respond with a childish, ‘Well, so would I but neither of us can have what we want now, can we?’
He slumped down on the sofa and just did a mental self-assessment. His therapist had told him that there will be moments like these, that just because he was regularly going to therapy doesn’t mean his issues will be resolved, and that he will keep on having to work on it. Sometimes, though, he really hated everything. Like, right now.
His phone rang. He would usually have ignored it after such an exhausting day, opting to wind down with some homecooked meal but he knew that his sister might be calling to check on Jin Ling.
“Hey Jiejie…” he whispered, exhausted.
“How is he holding up?” she whispered back, concerned.
He had to take a moment before he answered that, unwilling to lash out after the damage his nephew’s words did to him.
“As well as can be expected,” he responded back after a little deliberation.
“He’s angry, isn’t he? Is he giving you trouble, Jiang Cheng? Give him the phone. I will talk to him about behaving—”
“N-no!” he reined himself in again, trying to keep the panic and frustration in check. “I know things have been hard on him and I know that he would rather be with you right now. I mean, I get it. Jin Guangyao, no matter my opinions on him, was someone Jing Ling loved and looked up to. Seeing him gone must be really hard for him too. So, don’t worry about it. I am okay.”
He could visibly see tension leaving his jiejie at his words.
“Thank you. It has been really hard for him. And I still think this is better, with him being at a little distant from all of this while we deal with this mess. The press will be hounding our home with the funeral coming up too. As much as I would have also wanted A-Ling to at least be at his uncle’s funeral, I think this is for the best. He’s too young…”
Despite her resolve, he could still feel a sense of uncertainty in his sister, always worrying whether she was a good mother even though everyone knew that she only ever wanted best for her kid. It was like her childhood all over again, wanting to always be there for him and his brother while their parents fought relentlessly.
“I agree. We all know what a messy dynamic could do to a child. He needs to grieve in peace. He needs to process this. I just wish I was what he needed. Are you sure you want him to stay here, Jiejie? Maybe Wei Wuxian might be able to help more. He already has more experience with kids,” he tried to reason with his jiejie even though he really did not want his nephew to keep moving from one place to another.
“No, no. I think it’s best if he stays with you. Plus, things are messy on their ends too and they are also considering leaving A-Yuan to someone, so he doesn’t come in the spotlight either,” she sighed.
He knew what she meant by that. After the recent scandal came out regarding the Jin family, everything had been a mess. With recent news covering Jin Guangyao’s money laundering scheme, the whole country had been shook. To put oil to the fire, his death had come soon after. The press had hounded all the Jins and the Lans due to their proximity to Guangyao. They were all trying their best to keep their loved ones away from any negative coverage as much as possible.
He tuned back into the conversation when he heard his sister again.
“Anyways, don’t worry about not being what he wants. You’re what he needs right now. Trust me, Didi. I wouldn’t send him over if I didn’t think you can handle this. But let me know if it ever gets too much, okay? He can be quite passionate…” his sister responded, almost amused for a moment.
He chuckled, knowing that she’s recalling his and Wuxian’s fights as kids. It really had been hard on her always having to play a mediator. He really felt a curl of sympathy towards his jiejie.
“Okay, okay. Don’t worry about it. Go to sleep. I got it and I will let you know, okay?”
He could almost feel her smile to his response.
“Alright, Didi. You take care too. Love you!”
“Love you too, Jiejie. And be sure to take care of yourself too,” he smiled even though he knew his sister could not see him.
“Will do, good night, didi!”
He hung and did a mental assessment again. He could do this. But he had to figure out what had gone wrong that had made Jin Ling react so strongly. If he remembered correctly, he had only asked what Jin Ling had wanted to eat, something he had asked his nephew several times before. Yes, it was true that they barely started living together two weeks before but he had already known his nephew from their previous interactions. Jiang Cheng and his nephew were not as close as his nephew was with Guangyao but that was more due to Jiang Cheng not being in the country than them having a bad relationship.
Before he decided to get up and cook something that he knew Jin Ling would like as a peace offering, his phone rang again. His heart started picking up, as if readying itself for some bad news. This time, he picked up the phone right away, without even checking the caller ID.
“Hey, Didi!” he heard his brother’s voice on the other side.
He had a sinking feeling that his day had more to offer.
“Yes?...” he responded cautiously, foregoing all politeness in face of his wariness of what was to come.
“Can I ask you for a favor?” Wei Wuxian asked without hesitation.
Jiang Cheng’s heart picked up. His brother rarely let go of the pretense of politeness, always making small talk about the day before he got to the point. He never minded it, but he never outright sought it out either. Now, though, he wished his brother had started with small talk. That would at least mean that everything was okay with his brother.
“What do you need?” he responded, getting straight to the point. If there was a dead body then he needed to have enough time to prepare a proper alibi and leave Jin Ling out of it.
“Oh, wow. Okay. Wow. You sound as if I am asking you to rob a bank. Why do you sound as if I am asking you to rob a bank?” Wei Wuxian exclaimed, disrupting the seriousness of the moment.
This made Jiang Cheng pause and consider his options. Should he admit it, or should he not?
“Uhm, why do you sound as if you’re asking me to rob a bank?” he shot back, instead, choosing to not admit anything.
He heard his brother chuckle, a good hearty sound that Jiang Cheng hadn’t heard from him these last few days. Despite the situation they were in, it was nice to hear.
“Okay, okay. Wow, Didi. I missed you. You know that I missed you, right? It’s been forever. We should totally have a family thing after this mess is over,” he said as he tried to get himself back under control.
Jiang Cheng didn’t think he said anything that was particularly funny, but he also understood how stress manifested in different ways. If this was meant to be stress relief for his brother then who was he to judge.
“Mm,” was his only response as he waited for his brother to continue.
“Okay, so that’s why I called you. I know that A-Ling is staying with you right now and I was wondering if you would also be willing to let A-Yuan stay with you two for a bit? I promise it won’t be long and I would totally find someone else, but there aren’t many people that we trust right now, especially with everything—”
Before Wei Wuxian could continue to ramble out his reasons, Jiang Cheng interrupted him, “Are you sure?”
He heard his brother take a deep breath, as if trying to contain all of his words.
“Yes, I am,” he responded back with the naïve conviction that only his brother could have due to his optimism. “Plus, I think it would be great for both of the kids to have someone their age around right now. It might help them both.”
As much as he wanted to deny it, Jiang Cheng knew Wei Wuxian was correct. They did need someone around their age to talk to and who better than their own cousin whom they were both close to?
He started to nod along, completely forgetting that he was not on video.
“Yeah, you’re probably right. Anyways, sure. When will you be dropping him off?”
“Right now. I am already on my way,” his brother said cheerfully.
Jiang Cheng’s eyes widened. Of course, his brother had played him. Or, well, he knew Jiang Cheng well enough to know that his request won’t be denied.
He sighed. “Alright, I am cooking something for dinner but I will leave the door unlocked. So, just show yourselves in!”
“OMG, is Didi cooking dinner for 4?! Yay! I didn’t even get a chance to eat anything today. Make sure to make mine with extra spice!~” he singsonged.
Before Jiang Cheng could respond back at the presumptuous statement, the call got dropped. He sighed again, really trying to contain his frustration.
Everything from the day was slowly starting to creep in. Jin Ling’s words, his expression, and everything else that happened today.
He went on and started the process of making some chicken soup, because his nerves needed some soothing today. A little comfort food went a long way.
It had been an exhausting day. He had only been back to the country for a little over 3 weeks. His sister had asked him to take some time off before he came back because of all the press related to Guangyao’s exposure. Because he primarily dealt with marketing, he was able to easily transition to remote work when that break got extended with Guangyao’s recent demise. He hadn’t planned to stay for this long, but he would do anything for his family, even if that meant extending his stay or losing his job due to his extended stay. If it ever came to that, he knew he would figure it out.
Either way, his company was starting to make noises about his return and it was already getting exhausting navigating through the different political structures. Everything had been fine, he knew it had been. Jin Ling had been talking to his sister on the phone. Then, Jiang Cheng let him watch some TV since he was done with his homework and assigned chores. He also just needed some time to be able to cook him something comforting and hearty.
He still remembered that he was about to get some ingredients out of the fridge when he heard Jin Ling slam down the remote on the center table. Jiang Cheng’s heart had thudded so fast, and he had rushed into the living room.
“Is everything okay here?” he had asked, only to see the glass portion of the table cracked from the impact. Jiang Cheng remembered feeling the amalgam of emotions at that. Most of all, he had just felt helpless and frustrated with everything. So, he had slowly approached Jin Ling, like a cornered animal.
“A-Ling, what’s wrong?” he had asked carefully as he came to stand closer.
When Jin Ling didn’t respond, Jiang Cheng slowly tried to lead him towards the couch that he had gotten up from so they could both talk. Jin Ling had shaken him off, more like jerked away from him. Jiang Cheng had put some distance, realizing that Jin Ling didn’t want to be crowded
“I know that things have been hard for you right now. But we have talked about this. It’s okay to feel angry. It’s okay to cry or feel what you’re feeling as long as you don’t hurt yourself or anyone else around you in the process. I just want to know that you’re okay, alright? If you don’t want to talk about it right then that’s alright…” he had trailed off but Jin Ling hadn’t responded.
He had waited but the silence was deafening. So, Jiang Cheng sighed and decided to change the subject.
“Alright, I am going to cook right now. Any special request?” he tried to add in lightly.
His effort for distraction did not have the intended effect. Jin Ling had instead blown up and basically told him that he wished that Jiang Cheng was the one who died in the recent accident instead of Guangyao, and…
…and Jiang Cheng was confused. Of course, he was also hurt but mostly confused. He knew that feelings tended to run high when you were young, a teenager no less, so he could forgive that easily. However, he honestly did not know what had brought that on. That, with another child being added to the dynamic, was really fraying his last nerve.
He finished off adding the necessary spices and letting the soup simmer in low heat. In the meantime, he prepared the side dishes because he knew that the kids were still growing and Wei Wuxian still needed his vegetables.
As he was finishing up setting the table, he heard the front door click. He smiled unconsciously, knowing that no matter how much he acted annoyed, it was always nice to see his brother.
“Aiya, Jiang Cheng! Your favorite brother is here!” he heard an exclaim.
Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes when he saw his nephew and brother walk into the dining area. His nephew bowed respectfully while his brother jumped on him, crushing him into a hug.
“You’re my only brother,” he added dryly but still accepted his brother’s octopus-like hug. After the kind of day he had, he really needed all the comfort.
He quickly shook his brother off though, not wanting Wei Wuxian to know about anything that had happened earlier.
“Alright, alright. You can put your things…” he trailed off, only just realizing that he never asked or told Jin Ling about A-Yuan coming to stay even though he didn’t see A-ling having an issue with it.
He facepalmed. He really was failing at this, wasn’t he?
He saw his brother smile in return, as if sensing his thoughts even if there was no way he would know what had just happened.
“A-Yuan, go put your things in A-Ling’s room. And tell A-Ling to come eat too. The table has already been set,” his brother requested as he turned away from his son.
His smile slowly turned serious, his gaze keen. It was in moments like these that Jiang Cheng remembered that his brother was extremely sharp despite his efforts at seeming carefree and flighty.
“Are you okay?” he whispered.
“Are you?” he responded back in lieu of replying, knowing that he didn’t want to lie to his brother.
There were few moments of silence, as they both finished up setting the table with some extra spices to the side for Wei Wuxian. Soon, they heard the kids shuffle in and take their seats.
Jiang Cheng could sense the hesitance from Jin Ling. When he tried to give him a reassuring smile, Jin Ling turned away and avoided his gaze.
“Aiya! Let’s eat already. I feel so starved as if I haven’t eaten in days and the food smells delicious!” his brother said in delight.
Truth be told, his enthusiasm always brought a smile on Jiang Cheng’s face. He could always count on his brother to highlight the silver linings amid all the grey clouds.
As if the tension was dispelled, everyone just focused on eating all the delicious food instead of making any conversations. All throughout, Jin Ling kept his attention on the food. That would have hurt Jiang Cheng if it weren’t for the fact that Jin Ling ate a big portion of his meal. Perhaps, Jiang Cheng was looking too much into a simple gesture, but he took that as an apology.
After dinner, Jiang Cheng quickly addressed the elephant in the room.
“A-Ling, I forgot to tell you earlier, but A-Yuan will be staying with us for a bit too. Is that - are you okay with that?” he finished off uncertain, not knowing what he would do if A-Ling said no. He also realized that perhaps this was a question that was better asked privately but it was too late now. Before he could drown in his own stupidity though, Jin ling responded.
“I know. A-Yuan told me. It’s okay,” Jin Ling said, still avoiding his gaze. He took it as a peace offering it was and didn’t provide further comments. He turned to his brother.
“Do you want to stay for the night or do you need to head back?” he asked, worried about his brother driving in such a tired state. His apartment had plenty of space, so he would have no trouble accommodating his brother.
“I think I might stay if you’re okay with it. I don’t think I can drive like this. The press hounds us daily and I barely had a small window to get home, get A-Yuan in the car, and drive around long enough to lose the press before coming here. I don’t think I can drive even if I wanted to,” his brother slumped in his chair to prove his point.
Jiang Cheng huffed at his brother’s dramatics. He decided to shelve the conversation with Jin Ling for a later time. They all needed time to cool off and process the shit show that was their lives. They were also exhausted.
They all slowly cleaned up, with the adults washing the dishes and putting everything away and the kids cleaning the table and putting the chairs back. Once the kids were done, they were dismissed to their rooms. After both of the adults were done cleaning, they checked on the kids one last time. It seemed that the clean-up took them longer than they had thought it did because the kids were fast asleep.
Jiang Cheng guided Wei Wuxian to a spare room and bid him good night. As soon as he hit the bed, he was fast asleep.
He woke up to the alluring smell of coffee and pancakes. He heard excited chattered in his living room that did the rest of the job of arousing him. He went and freshened up before making his way to the kitchen.
“Hey sleepy-head,” his brother greeted him, amused.
When he attempted to frown in disapproval and take the spatula away from him, his brother batted his hands away and flicked him on the forehead.
“Let this gege take care of you, didi!”
Because he still hadn’t had his morning coffee, he growled and blushed at the same time, chlidishly attempting to take the spatula away. It was ironically no longer about the spatula, since he didn’t care for it anyway, but about the fact that he wanted to take it away from his brother for teasing him. His brother quickly darted away again and he growled in frustration.
Eventually, though, he gave up and just went and poured himself some coffee. After few gulps, he became more aware of his surroundings, realizing that he had spectators of his childish behavior. Both of his nephews were staring at him, wide-eyed - one amused and the other stunned. Ironically, it was that that really woke him up.
He cleared his throat and just took few more gulps as his brother chuckled and set two more plates. For once, he was content to let his brother do all the work while he enjoyed his breakfast. Ever since he came back, he hadn’t had a day where he enjoyed his mornings. He had the weekends off but this was the only weekend that he enjoyed such luxury.
When his nephews were done with their food, Jiang Cheng asked them to finish their homework so they could go to the park with him later. He was thinking that some fresh air might do them all some good. Of course, Wei Wuxian couldn’t join in but he could still offer that to his son.
Once the nephews left, he turned to his brother, “I know you want to say something, so just say it.”
His brother didn’t respond right away. After a few moments, he gently took one of Jiang Cheng’s hands in his.
“Didi, thank you. I know that you don’t need it but I still wanted to say it. You didn’t sign up for any of this. Out of all of us, I know that it was the hardest for you to stay here. I can’t even blame you what with our family history. So, I am sorry that you had to deal with all this,” he whispered with utmost sincerity.
Now, Jiang Cheng has always known harsh words. He had always been used to hearing them, experiencing them in different ways from his parents. It was no secret that Jiang Fengmian had a favorite and that was not him, and that his mother resented his father for that and him for not being good enough for his father's affections. At the same time, his mother also had a favorite that was not him. Neither of those bothered Jiang Cheng as long as they didn’t fight about it constantly. It made him feel guilty for being the reason behind it, resulting in him experiencing the psychological repercussions that he was still dealing with. After their demise, he needed some time away. Their parents’ will had come out and it had been pretty obvious that the will was another way that the two wanted to get back at each other one last time, even in their death, instead of providing actual resolution for their kids.
After all that mess, he remembered how broken he had felt. It was one of those rare times when he had struck a strange friendship with the eldest Lan since his brother dated the younger one. It was this friendship that convinced him in some small way that he needed to process his grief, that there will be people who he will meet that will find him worthy, and that his parents’ derision didn’t necessarily mean that he had to be alone for the rest of his life. So, he had taken time to heal himself. A job offer had come and taken him away. He was all the happier for accepting it too. He needed time away. One year had turned into two and that had turned into three. He still visited his siblings but the intimacy that came with close friendships had slowly faded from his interactions with the oldest Lan. Instead, Guangyao had become a fixture at Lan Xichen’s side and Jiang Cheng did not want to ruin that dynamic, knowing that he will only be visiting for a brief time. Still, though, he had wished them nothing but the best, not realizing the shit show that will come knocking on his doorsteps in form of money laundering and death.
He looked down, ashamed at being caught.
“I didn’t realize I was being so obvious about not wanting to be here,” he looked at his brother guiltily.
Wei Wuxian smiled wryly, “Well, after you postpone your trip for the third time in lieu of doing additional paperwork, one tends to get a little hint, Didi.” He folded his arms, pouting, “Do you know how much you hurt your gege?”
“Please stop being embarrassing and calling yourself that!” he responded, annoyed.
“I am sorry for running away. I didn’t know it then and I appreciate you and Jiejie not saying anything. But it’s time for me to stop running…” he gulped as he finished. He hadn’t meant to reveal it this way, since he technically didn’t quit his job yet and he would still probably need to go back to tie up some loose ends.
“Besides,” he continued, “I miss family. This is my home.”
Wei Wuxian seemed to sense the enormity of the reveal, because the next thing Jiang Cheng knew, he was being engulfed in another tight hug.
“Welcome back, Didi. We missed you too,” he said.
They kept holding onto each other, realizing how close they all had come to falling apart due to their parent’s constant fights. This time, Jiang Cheng did not brush Wei Wuxian off. When they finally let go, both of their eyes were moist but neither mentioned it.
“Also, I heard what happened yesterday from A-Yuan. Well, not really. All I know is that A-Ling was distraught about something and wanted to call A-Yuan and A-Yuan talked him down from his anger and then came to me to tell me that A-Ling was feeling bad. So, I thought that it might help having A-Yuan around. Not because you don’t know what you are doing but simply because A-Ling might find it easier to communicate with you if he has another familiar face around…” he trailed off, trying to gauge Jiang Cheng’s reaction.
Any other time, Jiang Cheng might have been offended. However, the truth was that he had no experience with kids. His brief visits not withstanding, he barely ever stayed around kids long enough to cook them meals every day and talk about their day. This was all new and he really would appreciate any help he could get.
“Good,” he responded, relieved, “because I have no idea what I am doing and Jin Ling doesn’t particularly like me right now.”
As soon as he said it, he realized that he revealed a particular layer of vulnerability that he had not intended to. He knew that he was not yet good enough to be a guardian or parent, what with his aforementioned lack of experience. He also knew that he didn’t particularly get along with anyone, let alone kids who were harder to please.
Before he could go spiraling down, he shook himself and just smiled self-deprecatingly. To his credit, Wei Wuxian didn’t try to placate him because he understood that these insecurities had deep roots.
“If it helps, I am constantly feeling that I am failing as well. I don’t think any parent is actually ever sure, to be honest. The key point is that you’re trying. He might not like you in the moment but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like you, in general.”
Saying this, he moves towards the door, signaling that it was his time to leave. “I know you will still worry but you don’t need to. What you’re doing is fine. And I know you will be fine, but every child is different in some way. So, if you ever need help, then you can call us. We are family, after all.”
Jiang Cheng felt warmth engulf him after hearing his brother, and he nodded not realizing that there was a slight upward curve to his lips.
They bid adieu and he got to finishing some office work in the dining area before they headed out to the park. After half hour of working, he heard Jin Ling’s room open. He chose to ignore it and continued working. However, soon after, he saw the chair in front of him being pulled out. He slowly looked up to see his nephew. Seeing this, he quickly finished up what he was doing and turned off his laptop.
When the conversation was not forthcoming, he cleared his throat.
“Are you okay?” he muttered at the same time Jin Ling exclaimed, “I am sorry!”
For a second, they both froze. He saw his nephew redden and look down, so he gently smiled in encouragement and decided to wait.
“I am sorry,” his nephew tried again.
He waited for few more moments to see if his nephews would saying anything else.
“It’s okay,” he replied, “but is everything okay?”
He saw his nephew nod but his nephew still avoided eye contact and didn't say anything. So, Jiang Cheng tried again.
“Was I - Did I do anything wrong last night?” he asked in a neutral tone, not wanting Jin Ling to feel pressured into saying ‘no.’
His nephew shook his head fervently but still said nothing.
“Jin Ling…” he said, gently, “talk to me, please. I won’t know what happened otherwise.”
His nephew still said nothing. So, Jiang Cheng sighed.
“It’s okay. You can tell me when you’re ready,” he finished, hoping that he came off as pleasant rather than frustrated.
“I don’t want you dead!” his nephew responded abruptly.
Jiang Cheng’s eyes widened. He did not think that his nephew did, but that was nice to know. It was as if a dam had been broken because his nephew went on—
“—I was watching the news and they had mentioned Shushu, saying that he did horrible things. My mom and dad won’t tell me anything. Whoever I ask, they just avoid the subject altogether. No one is telling me anything. All I hear from the news is that he was horrible person. But how could he be horrible? I —“
He cut off for a second and Jiang Cheng was left frozen. He was not ready for this conversation but his nephew continued.
“—tell me Jiujiu. How could he be horrible when he was the best uncle I had? And, now, my parents have asked you to take me in while they deal with everything and I keep feeling like I am replacing my Shushu. Because I want to hate you but you have always been kind to me. And you have been so nice and I feel guilty for liking you when I am the only one who remembers my Shushu being a nice person. I don’t want to forget, Jiujiu. But I also don’t want to dislike you—“
His nephew burst out in sobs as he finished and Jiang Cheng was left completely paralyzed. What was he supposed to do? How was he supposed to deal with this?
He knew this was a delicate situation and that he could potentially lose his nephew by giving him the wrong answer. However, he also knew that he needed to say something. So, he willed himself to calm down.
He slowly moved towards his nephew and sat on the chair next to him. Once there, he slowly wrapped an arm around his nephew’s shoulder, giving his nephew the choice to either push him away or come in for an actual hug. His nephew must have been too distraught because he just wrapped his arms around Jiang Cheng. So, Jiang Cheng rubbed soothing circles around his nephew’s back awkwardly.
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You can still like him. You can still mourn the uncle you lost. He was important to you. The rest can come later.”
He did not know if that was sound advice but he remembered feeling something similar at his parents’ demise. He had still felt that crippling sadness. He had still mourned their loss. The one thing that had kept him going was his siblings’ relentless acceptance of his state of mind. They didn’t judge him for grieving people who didn’t care for any of them and only sought to use their kids in a war that their kids didn’t want to be a part of.
After hearing Jiang Cheng, Jin Ling only started to cry harder. His hold got tighter too, but Jiang Cheng didn’t say anything else. He didn’t know what to say, to be quite honest.
After a long while, Jin Ling calmed down.
“Thank you,” he whispered. “And I am sorry again. I really didn’t mean what I said. I felt like I was betraying him.”
Jiang Cheng slowly pulled himself away.
“It’s okay,” he responded easily, “looks like having A-Yuan around is putting you in a better mood already.”
His joke fell flat as Jin Ling continued to look at him.
“I called him after our fight,” Jin Ling admitted softly, “I was so scared that you might leave again and get into a car accident like Shushu. So, I am glad that he is staying. This way, he can keep me in check. I don’t want to lose you too.”
If Jiang Cheng’s heart wasn’t already full, it would be now. So, he did the only thing he thought was appropriate. He wiped his nephews tears gently.
“Nothing you will say will ever drive me away, A-Ling. I know that everything is overwhelming for you. For me too. All I ask is that we talk. If you’re upset, I need you to tell me why. You don’t have to tell me right away but eventually. Okay?”
Jin Ling nodded, sniffling. “You too,” he said as he brought up his pinkie.
Jiang Cheng raised his eyebrow but took his pinky anyways. Then, he nodded.
Truce reached, they could finally enjoy their time at the park.