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The radio in his dad’s van stopped working two nights ago, Ryan couldn’t afford to get it replaced.
Ironic, wasn’t it? He was a musician, a professional musician now, but he’d spent most of the last few days in silence. He knew it was a bad idea, but he couldn’t help but wonder if he should fill the silence by flirting with some girls at the next gig and hoping they want to stick around long enough to fill the silence a little. It hadn’t gone well the last couple of times, both break ups making everything feel even quieter than he had before, but it was something for a little.
Ryan had never had interest in girls during school, he just hadn’t seen the need for dating. If he wanted to talk to someone or see a movie he’d just find out when his friend was free. It’s not like it was ever silent at home, he shared a room with his two bickering little brothers and his sisters almost always had a friend or boyfriend over, the TV on blast to hide whatever they were talking about from the rest of the family.
It was always so loud, that no one ever heard him there.
No matter what happened, he always knew Min Gi would listen to him though. No matter how excited and off topic Ryan got, Min always seemed to want to hear, want to listen intently and hear Ryan talk. At least, Ryan thought Min was always listening, always wanted to listen. Ryan still didn’t know why Min left him, he didn’t know what Min didn’t hear.
Ryan hadn’t changed anything, this had always been what they wanted, right?
Min leaving him seemed to set off a chain reaction. Since getting on the road no one had stayed long, and he didn’t think anyone who heard him listened. Sure he talked, rambled about his interests and funny stories from his past, but whenever they stopped seeing him as a cool, mature, future rock star and instead looked at him as excitable and childish, they left. They hung out with him until they realized what he was, and left as soon as they understood anything about his nature.
Something about silence was always the heaviest thing to him.
He couldn’t stand too much quiet. Nothing was worse than being able to hear his own heartbeat and uneven breathing. It felt unnatural and wrong, he was a creature of loud noises and the rhythmic tapping of his feet under his desk in class. It was too quiet in his car, so quiet it was strangling him and he couldn’t make a peep if he tried.
Ryan glanced at the digital clock on his dashboard, 2:02 AM. He should probably pull over somewhere to take a nap, not like he could afford a motel room anymore.
Ryan spotted a rest stop sign, fast food and gas station logos standing tall above the trees. It was a sight that had gotten familiar in the past few months, if he couldn’t count on anything else he could count on highway side rest areas. He pulled into the oversized parking lot and chose a spot tucked behind the gas station convenience store. He wouldn’t be seen from the road but was also close enough to run in and use the bathroom if needed.
The settings for the seat were as finicky as ever, and it took some fiddling for Ryan to get the seat to go back enough for him to be somewhere close to comfortable. Well, close might be an overstatement. The Van was cramped and overtime the lack of space to stretch out and fidget had stressed him out. He wasn’t made to spend so much time moving so little.
Ryan folded his glasses up neatly and placed them on his dashboard before pulling his fingers through his hair. Something about the uncomfortable, cramped space reminded him of being a kid and camping out with Min in his backyard. The stiff, fake leather car seat reminded him of sleeping with only a thin sleeping bag between him and the ground. Only now, if he woke up from nightmares he couldn’t even explain there was no one there to hug him tight and bring him back to reality.
There hadn’t been anyone he could actually feel vulnerable with in awhile.
He remembered getting called a crybaby growing up, it wasn’t like he was sad a lot or anything, it was just that he seemed to feel his emotions stronger than everyone else. Ryan was too old for that now, that had been the expectation since middle school. What’s the point of crying over a failed test when if he just tried harder he wouldn’t have failed in the first place? Crying either ment he had to toughen up or wasn’t ready to do things himself. He didn’t know what was worse, being yelled at or talked down to.
No one could see him cry here though, in his dad’s van there was no one to criticise how he felt.
Still, as tears soaked into the headrest behind him, it felt even worse. He remembered from science class in middle school, he skipped so much sleep to memorize everything he needed for this test, that everything had an evolutionary purpose, so why did he cry when no one would hear him? Why did he cry when the thought of being heard at all was enough to make him break?
Ryan thought back to Min Gi yet again, a trend in his mind he was used to. Whenever he thought, briefly, about going home, he didn’t picture his house. He thought of going to the movies with Min, or talking so loud they were practically yelling in an almost empty diner, or even backstage talking about plans for the future.
But Min had made it abundantly clear that he has no interest in being a part of Ryan’s future anymore.
Ryan wasn’t even sure what he did to make Min upset. One moment they were about to head onstage, the next Min was gone. He hadn’t even warned Ryan he was leaving. Ryan was used to not knowing what he did wrong, but knowing it was his fault. Whether it was a failed test or a knocked over vase or some social cue he didn’t see, he was always doing something wrong.
Ryan groaned, scrubbing at his eyes. He’d cried about nothing for long enough.
It was selfish of him to want Min here, really. Min could choose what he wanted and everyone who chose Ryan came to their senses eventually. It just took Min longer than most people. The fact that Ryan couldn’t get over his old friendship was entirely his own fault, like usual. There were some things Ryan couldn’t do that other people couldn’t his whole life, why not add get over a best friend that wanted nothing to do with him to the list.
Min didn’t care about Ryan, didn’t care about music… No that part couldn’t be true…
Ryan knew Min cared about music. Even if Min was good at school and focusing, and sitting quietly and all those things Ryan should know by now, music was the only thing Min really got excited about. No matter what Ryan did, he knew he couldn’t have ruined music for his friend. Min had always sat across from him at dumpty’s, just as excited to one day play new york as Ryan himself.
Everything Ryan could think of made him believe that Min Gi should be sitting in the van next to him, that Min never should have left, that there was no reason for him to leave Ryan alone on stage, but Min wasn’t here and Ryan didn’t know why. It was frustrating.
If Min was here, Ryan wouldn’t need the radio. His conversations with Min were better than music, the only thing he could think of that made him happier than when he was working out some cords on his guitar. Even music felt quiet without Min. Everytime he played his guitar in high school he could always hear Min’s mini synth backing him up, even if he was practicing alone he could trust Min to play with him next time.
Now his guitar felt empty and hollow, like he was missing half the notes.
Ryan has tried a lot of things to make everything feel loud again, but each time it did little more than distract him for a moment. Girlfriends, alcohol, parties that should by all means be loud enough for him to feel the base in his stomach all felt far away. He’d… thought about trying other things, things that had to make him feel something, even if it wasn’t pleasant.
He hadn’t gone through with it yet, even if sometimes that was where his mind wandered.
What would Min think of him now? Ryan could barely keep himself alive without his old friend. He knew he was clingy, he knew he probably held Min back, he supposed Min must resent him for that, but in this moment he couldn’t bring himself to care. Over time more and more of himself was dedicated to what other people thought. Convincing people in his personal life everything was fine had gotten just as easy as playing a character for the stage.
But Ryan was so, so tired of smiling whenever someone could see him. Really, what he wanted was the simplicity of crying in his friends arms again. He didn’t want to have to worry about acting needy or unappealing; he wanted to be able to be honest without chasing off who he cared about.
He wanted to press himself against Min and feel him near again, if just for a moment.
Ryan closed his eyes, but the silence didn’t stop. The weight inside him didn’t stop. Min was out of his reach, and there was nothing he could do.
Ryan drifted through the night, but he didn’t rest.