Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Four Years Ago, in an Abandoned Castle…

Constantine was up against the nefarious demon, who was also the bitch who drugged him, milked him for his DNA, and decided to have babies to try to murder him, Rosacarnis, daughter of Nergal.

 None of that. Constantine was going to make sure Rosacarnis will have a first-class ticket to hell then he will deal with the little hellspawn. John will send a message to Nergal that he’ll be next if he ever messes with him again. The witch came close to killing him, but John had a few tricks up his sleeves as he was able to Banish her back to hell!

“Tell Nergal to bugger off when you see him!” John smirked at the demon as she clung on for dear life and freedom.

“We will see each other again, John! When we do, crows will be eating your flesh!” She vowed as she was sucked into the vortex as it permanently closed.

John sighed as he whipped off the blood from his coat and pants, then grabbed a cigarette. But before he could light it, he hears babies crying.

“Speak of the Devils… Time to take down some abominations.” John sighed as he summoned a dagger to destroy the demons spawned by deception and his own blood.

Within the bassinet were three little infants.

All appeared to human as they were two boys and a girl. One boy had black hair while the second boy and girl were blond like him. Chubby-faced, with rosy cheeks and cooing sounds, they appeared to be human babies. But John knew better, they were demons, children of Rosacarnis and grandchildren of Nergal. They cannot be allowed to exist any further.

He raised the dagger to the children sleeping and struck down! But halfway, the blade disappeared right before him. John tried again and again with the same results.

“Dammit, looks like that bitch left a spell behind to keep me from stabbing them.” John believed as he changed his tactic, “Alright, let’s try something else.”

But no matter what spell he tried, directly or indirectly, his spells failed to activate.

“What the hell did Rosacarnis do to me?” John questioned as he looked at his hand, “Did she affect my magic?”

“Your magic is fine, John.” A voice from behind answered, surprising the man.

Phantom Stranger.

Of course.

“What brings you here, Accursed One?” John asked the entity as he knew the truth all too well.

Finding out what Phantom Stranger had caused him to go completely mad for an entire year, was not pretty.

“You looked like you needed some guidance again, old friend.” The stranger answered.

“I’m fine but for some reason, my magic refused to work with me. I need to off these little demons before they can destroy us all.” John answered.

“Again, your magic is not at fault, but it is your heart.” Phantom Stranger explained.

“My heart… What does that-?”

“You believe you are a husk of a man you once were since Newcastle, but it is farther from the truth. Despite their birth is a result of revenge of deception of Nergal, you love them instantly as your own none the less, before even picking them up.” The Stranger continued as the man went silent, “You know I speak the truth. Even after the horrors you suffered, you seek companionship, you want a family and your heart refuses to make this sacrifice.”

John gritted his teeth. He wanted to prove him wrong, he didn’t want his emotions to get in the way again.

But-but he couldn’t do it.

“Damn… Once again, I let my heart rule my head and damned us all.” He muttered under his breath.

“Not necessary, there is a way to curve such a catastrophe and even defeat the Demon Nergal and her daughter.”

“No, no way! I’ll screw their lives if I take them in!”

“John, you are a better man than most people will ever know. You sacrifice more than any being in the multiverse, even myself.”

“Yeah, that’s saying something….”

“MY point is, you can be a good father and you can guide them towards their path.”

“Shit, I need to think for a moment…”

“It is whatever you decide, Constantine. Of course, you can always give them to someone else, too.”

Then the Phantom Stranger disappeared.

But John knew better, if he rolls the dice and gives them to someone else, he could risk them becoming worse than Nergal.

No, he had to do this.

“A sacrifice huh? What is one more compared to the mountain I made for myself, huh kids?” John commented to himself as he picked up the bassinet, “Come on, kiddies. You’re coming home with Daddy.”

Present Day…

John must have does off as he was on the airplane.

Oh right, now he remembers… Nergal nearly sent to the grave until Tricia Chandler, the girl he was supposed to save, save his and his father’s asses, and the asses of the entire world. Turned out the magic within her that Nergal wanted, activated, and caused the demon to be cast to hell. Now, he was forced to be settled with the brat by order of Fate, Dr. Fate actually told him to teach the kid or be punished for that little stunt in Madagascar. When threats didn’t work, they offer him cash, big stuff, gold to last him a while.

Hell, now he has to teach any magical kid that Fate sends to him from now on. Now, he was a teacher, not a public sense he was getting paid extremely well. He watched his best friend and family asleep as he decided to give a call to the house.

“Orchid, get another bed ready and tell the kids to get dressed. Also, tell Saul he better not be stealing Demon Organs again, tell Adam to put away his little Gameboy, and tell Maria to wrap up whatever book she’s reading, because we have guests coming over.” John ordered the projection of a woman which was the house.

“I will do so right away.” She bowed then the mirror turned back to a reflection.

Oh, joy.

This will be fun.

Chapter Text

At the House of Mystery…

Saul, Adam, and Maria Constantine were all lined up in a row as they looked irritated and annoyed by the interruption in their lives.

 They were dolled up in their best attire as Orchid was helping Saul with his bowtie. Maria wore a cute butter-colored ballgown with white ribbons as the boys were forced into a suit. They almost looked like normal children, even though they were far from being normal. Even though Constantine did everything to make his children happy, to protect them from the outside world of demons and gods, he cannot give them a sense of normalcy. They can never have that, no matter how many spells John knew or any dimension they lived in.

“Your father shall be arriving with the others soon. He requested me to inform you to be on your best behavior when they arrived, he wishes to see you behave for at least a few days.” Orchid informed the children of the master of the House of the Mystery, “A friend from his past and his family will be staying with us and first impressions are everything.”

“So, a bunch of old people and their brat are staying here?” Adam scoffed as he crossed his arms in an irritated manner.

“Come on now, this might be a good thing. I mean, we can corrupt her and do the awesome spells Pop never let us do. Maybe we can even do some underground businesses.” Saul encouraged as he had a devil smile.

“You will do no such thing.” Orchid emotionlessly reminded as a thick book appeared.

“No, no, not the bloody rulebook again,” Saul whined as the book flipped itself a few pages to a certain chapter.

“Rule Number: 1768; no dealings, shady schemes, dastardly contracts, compulsive gambling, or other types of forbidden interaction without your father’s approval, and even then, you must have at least cut him thirty percent since he has connections.”

Saul whined some more.

“I hate that stupid book. He keeps filling it up with more rules. Why do we have to follow them?” The boy complained.

“Because last time, you turned a guy into a pig goat monster that breathes fire and it burned down the park, taking all night for Daddy to fix.” Maria reminded as Saul chuckled at that memory, “Also, if he doesn’t impose structure and discipline then you’ll probably destroy the universe in your mischief.”

“I swear, Father has the worst sense of friends. They are all weird and gross. His old friend could be a guy that oozes green goo and pees from his eyes and smells like rotten meat.” Adam huffed as Orchid hit him over the head.

“Rule Number: 567; no speaking of the supernatural and secrets of the mystical arts in front of the company in the event that such knowledge may drive them mad. Your father will inform you when it is safe to share such secrets.”

Then there was a knock on the door as Orchid and the book disappeared. Then the door opened to reveal an exhausted John and the people he brought home.

“Kids, we’re home and you better be decent,” John announced in a tired manner as his suitcase floated to his room.

“John, who are you talking to-?”  Renee Chandler asked then realized the children standing there in fancy clothing, “Oh, hello.”

“You look normal enough,” Adam commented as his sister covers his mouth.

Renee nervously chuckled a bit as Chez plopped into one of the chairs from the long, long trip.

“Make yourselves comfortable while I see how your rooms look like.” John yawned, “Kids, sit on the couch and wait for me. Don’t do anything to freak out the guests.”

“Freak out in what way?” Chez asked his old buddy who was already gone.

“You’ll see…” Saul chuckled darkly then was smacked by the blond girl.

Tricia grinned at the blond girl as she felt a connection towards her.

“Please excuse, my Triplet Brother, he is a complete imbecile, and I tried my best to educate him.” The little girl explained as the adults were surprised how mature she sounded.

 Soon Constantine came down as he wiped his hands onto his jacket.

“Alright, your rooms are set, and dinner is being cooked and broiled.” John announced to the families, his own and the staying one, “So, allow me to introduce the triplets.”

The kids stood up as John coughed and pointed to each kid with their names.

“Adam Constantine. Saul Constantine. Maria Constantine. The Constantine Triplets.” John introduced as Chez looked at the kids, really looked at the kids.

“John, can I talk to you alone?” Renee requested as John knew he had a lot to explaining to do.

“Right.” Constantine sighed, “Orchid.”

“Yes?” The woman appeared, scaring everyone.

“Bloody “Heck” Orchid, I told you to stop appearing like that.” He scolded the woman-like entity, “Anyway, look after the kids and keep Saul from doing anything Saul. We’ll be right back.”

The adults followed John as Tricia was alone with the triplets and the weird creature woman. She smiled as there were kids her age to play with.

“Hi, I’m Tricia.” She introduced to the blond as the more educated girl shook hands with her.

“Hello.” Maria greeted as well, “As you know I am Maria.”

In the study…

Everyone sat down as John took a deep smoke.

“Sorry about the censorship spell. It keeps the kiddies from mouthing off the same words I use. This is the only place where it can’t touch us.” John apologized as he knew this was going to be a long talk.

“John, those kids, where did they come from?” Chez asked as he felt something was different about them.

John sighed as smoke came out of his mouth.

“They're mine.”

“You idiot. I can’t believe you knocked up a woman.” Renee moaned in irritation at the reckless man.

“It’s… not that simple,” John uttered under his breath.

Chez then widened his eyes.

“Those kids, are they-?”

“Yeah, Rosacarnis’. They are the children of Rosacarnis and me, grandchildren to Nergal.” John answered as the couple gasped, “Years ago, the bitch drugged me to get my seed to make herself pregnant and craft the perfect weapons against me, with the power of the demons and my own magical bloodline, Nergal would be unstoppable.”

Then he puffed out another trail of smoke.

“I kicked her ass out of Earth and found the triplets, though they were demons, I couldn’t kill them, so I decided to raise them.” He completed as the couple looked at the man with empathy.

“Oh, Jon…” Chez uttered.

“Listen, no one can know where they came from. Nergal believes I killed those kids all those years ago and I prefer to keep it that way.” John requested, “Promise me that you keep it a secret from anyone outside the house.”

“And if someone asks where they came from?” Renee wondered.

“Tell them I adopted them from a friend who was killed by a demon,” John answered.

“Do they know what’s going on?” Chez asked his friend.

“I told them about their mother’s side and what they are capable of and why I lied about killing them to keep Nergal from taking them.” John sighed, “I rather they be kept in the loop than accidentally bring that bastard here. If he sets one foot in my house, I will personally send back to hell, this time it will be in pieces.”

“We understand and we’ll help out with your triplets. Consider it as gratitude for saving and teaching Tricia.” Chez offered then all the adults heard a commotion downstairs.

“HELP! I'M BEING AMBUSHED!!” Saul screamed as Adam was laughing hysterically.

They rushed downstairs to see Saul was tied to a chair, in a holly blue dress and wearing makeup, while his brother was on the floor laughing and pointing as the two girls were prettying up the boy.

Even John cracked up a bit from the sight.

This will be an interesting few years.

Chapter Text

Present Day in the House of Mystery…

The exhausted John was snoozing in bed as he was not ready for today.

He barely got any sleep since he was forced to start his own magic school for the destructive brats to keep them from killing each other. I started with one, Tricia, who seemed to be the most stable of the children, even his own, then he was dumped with more and more brats. Each of them was destructive enough to blow up the earth and severely damage the house. John could see why Fate wanted these kids to be taught in control and the ways of magic.

“Hey, Bastard! Time to get up!” His voice in a demonic tone demanded as John grunted at the commotion.

“Ten minutes….” John muttered as he refused to get out of bed, his fingers knitted into the fabric as he ready himself for what was next.

“So be it.” It growled then whistled as more than a hundred versions of mini demon Constantine came into a tidal wave of claws and teeth and pushed the man forcefully out of bed.

John groaned as he finally got up, trying to shake the sleep off. He did not want the day to get started, he wanted to go back to sleep and enjoy the few moments of peace he was allowed to have without being blasted at.

So the madness can begin.

“You’re awake, good. Time to start your God damn school and teach these brats!” His inner demon reminded him as John was rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“Right, right, alright, you lot know what to do. Wake the rest of them up while I get coffee.” He moaned as he cast a spell to make them into giants.

Then the monsters then slithered away to wake up the students.

Coffee is what gets him through the day.

Near the dorm rooms in the house of mystery…

After getting so many students, it became apparent that guest rooms wouldn’t enough for the growing horde.

So, Constantine had the house conjure two dorm wings on the opposite side of the magic house to give the kids a place to sleep. But to keep the brats from knocking each other up, he had it separated for boys and girls, like in private boarding schools. Come to think of it… he did own a private boarding school, a magical one but a school nonetheless.

“Alright boys, you know what to do. You lot take the lads’ wing and you lot take the lasses’ wing, the rest of us will be in charge of waking the triplets.” He informed the other demons.

The demons split up as they were given their tasks.

At the Boy Dormitory…

The demons split up to each room as there would be at most four students in each room as they could spring up and kill them.

That was why inner demons were sent to wake up the student since he was tired of getting hit by random spells. His inner demons can come back after being repeatedly killed, so John decided to make good use of them.

“Alright, kids, get up! Time to get ready for class!” The demons boomed as he nearly dodged an attack by one of the disgruntled students.

“Up, Rampotatek, Constantine wants you especially to be awake for today!” The inner demon ordered as the teenager refused to get up, “Don’t make me use the Blood Tsunami again!”

“An old Chinese saying for this is-.”

“Here’s another old Chinese saying, get ready or I’ll kick your butt to Hong Kung.”

Rampotatek huffed and groaned as he grabbed his magic hat.

“One day, I’m gonna be running this place…” He uttered as he dreams of surpassing his teacher and gaining the House of Mystery from him.

“Keep dreaming, Bud. You know Mr. Constantine will come out on top.” Another magic user boy scoffed at his roommate.

The Girls’ wing…

Tricia’s room would be the first to open as the demon stuck his head in.

“Kid, time for- oh you’re already up.” He noted as the girl was already getting her hair done so she can be ready for today.

“I’ve been awake for fifteen minutes. I set my time early to get ready.” She explained once again to the inner demons since they all look the same but were still different from each other, “I’ll be ready in a few minutes.”

“You and Maria seem to share the same standards. Shame that most students don’t follow in your example.” He pointed out as Tricia grinned at the compliment.

She and Maria have pride in the diligence and dedication in their studies, earning the elegance and intelligence they worked so hard to achieve. They were the prodigies of the school as their magic surpassed many. Yet, they still have a lot to learn about their powers and what they can really do with what they know.

The other girls were not so thrilled about being woken up by demons of their teacher as sounds of spells begin activated can be heard outside Tricia’s room.

Yep, another typical day in the House of Mystery with the students of the famous and infamous John Constantine the Hellblazer.

In the three rooms of the Constantine Triplets…

There were three rooms that had different themes and colors as if to tell which child slept in which room.

One room had more of a gothic feel with torches and mini gargoyles.

The middle room was more of a stained-glass door of the ocean at sunrise and gypsy moths.

The final door was one of a beat-up and clawed dungeon verities with electricity and sparks seen from the barred little window.

“Rock Paper Scissors to decide who gets what?”

They agreed as they did rock paper scissors and it was decided that the victor got the stained-glass door, second place got the gothic door, and the loser got the dungeon door.

One walked out with a cup of tea.

The second was bruised.

The final did not come out at all.

“TELL DAD I’LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE!!”

This was just a typical morning as the day was just started, especially on a school day.

Chapter Text

At extended Dining Room…

If you remember the dining room of Harry Potter, it was similar to this but much more gothic and spookier.

John was having his stack of scrambled eggs and coffee while everyone was munching away on some pancakes and waffles. John may be the best cook in demonic recipes, make the fest Goblin Burgers in twelve dimensions, arguably. But when it came to human confections, it was completely alien to him. He was thankful for Orchid for making the kids breakfast, especially since she didn’t want John to constantly burn down the kitchen every time, he wanted to make his kids or Tricia something. Even Chas points out how bad of a cook John is.

“Why bother using magic. Your regular boiled eggs would be enough to kill a god.” He would say to his old friend as the projection of the house in woman form was flipping seven pans worth of pancakes in the air.

“Hey, I may be the worst when it comes to “Normal” recipes but put in the kitchen with a more magical sense of food and say that I’m the worse.” John would counter as the children would laugh at the silly magic-user.

It was hilarious when John tries to cook as the bystanders take cover with metal covering as flaming food launch in the air. Everyone running away as soot covers the wizard’s face with his eyebrows singed off while holding a melting pot and next to a massive fire. The next thing you know, everyone has to clean up the mess as John is looking for the hair growth spell to regrow his eyebrows. Zatana took pictures at the sight as she promised to send them to everyone as Christmas Cards. Often a hilarious time in the kitchen.

But no one wants to gnaw on a can.

Speaking of gnawing, most of the magical students were fixing their jaws into their meals as they devoured like ravenous wolves. They were foaming at the mouth as they were ripping the food to shreds. It often made Maria wonder (While she and Tricia kept their plates off the table as they used and an actual folk and knife.) if they ever got rabies from Saul’s experimentation on them while they were sleeping. It wouldn’t be the first time he would do something like that. That’s why her father repossessed her brother’s germs in little vials. Besides that, her father assured her that they don’t have rabies or anything like that and yes, he had them tested.

It seemed to only sane students in the house are her and Tricia, her only friend and her best one she ever had. Ever since they met years ago, they had been as thick as thieves as they both wanted to become the best masters of magic they can be. They practice magic together, study together, apply makeup together, talk about how people are so close-minded that their first instincts are to murder unless they have reasons not to murder.

“Alright, everyone, finish up while I pretend to care about your lessons in sorcery and you can do the magic which I will have to clean up,” John announced as they knew who he was talking to as those were the most dangerous kids.

“Beginners go to Orchid, Average report to the gymnasium, Advance to the gardens and the delinquents to the library. Get your things for the lesson and remember; nothing illegal until I can check it’s safe and useless to me. Finish in fifteen and report to your classes.” John finished up as a teenage boy with a hat raised his hand.

The sorcerer sighed as he knew it was going to be a long time.

“What is it, Rampotatek?” John Constantine sighed as he took a swig of coffee, needing the energy.

“Explain to me why the hell am I being sent to the Delinquent Class when I am a well brilliant wizard. You know, a wise man once said-.”

“You bloody know why you got sent thereafter that stunt you pull in France.” John interrupted as he and Chez shivered at the memory of France.

“Oh, the horror. It was the first time I have ever seen the Eiffel Tower being peeled and how a tentacle monster in the blood vortex swallowing people whole until you make it throw them back up.” The Taxi driver remembered that field trip.

“That’s what happened?” The wife gasped in shock.

“Yeah… the League chew me out for not keeping a closer eye on my student. Fate gave me a real earful.” John added as the memories of cleaning up that mess were fresh to him still, “That is why we don’t go on field trips anymore and why you are in the Delinquent Class.”

“Come on, old one. Those convicts had it coming. No one would miss them.” He scoffed as he magicked a bottle of John’s wine appears.

“That is not the point! You are too reckless; you almost got your fellow students and innocent people killed! You may remember my spells and incantations, but you don’t think!” John boomed as he swiped away the wine before the teen drank, “If I wasn’t there, things would have been worse!”

“Hey, I had everything under control! Why are we doing this anyway?” Rampotatek questioned, “Why are we just using magic to clean up other people’s messes when we can make sure there are no messes? Why don’t we take charge of the world?”

John took a deep breath.

“Lads and Lasses, why don’t we use magic for ourselves and domination of the world?”

Then with the snap of his fingers, everyone answered.

“Because we are not Gods but make fools of them and magic always comes at a price. Use of magic for ourselves is the most dangerous form and often ends in death.” They all answered.

“Circle gets the square. The point is, trying to dominate everything often backfires. Why do you think warlocks trying to conquer the world are often dead in the worse possible ways?”

“But we can be better-.”

“No excuses, I don’t want to hear anymore more of this, are we clear?” John stopped as the boy went silent, “I said ‘are we clear?’”

“Clears as a calming stream.” He quietly answered as everyone finished their food.

John sighed as he knew he will have to talk to the boy later. Maria and Tricia noticed how stressed the man was.

“Daddy, are you okay?” Maria asked him as he smiled at her.

“I’m fine, Princess, just a little rough time with brats thinking they’re bad boys.” John assured her as he ruffled the hair of the ten-year-old girl, “Princess, promise Daddy you will never date a moron on a motorcycle or idiotic nose ring. I don’t want to start a graveyard yet until I can find a suitable spade.”

“Same goes for you, Tricia. No bad boys, especially those who can do magic.” Chez chimed in as his daughter laughed.

“I promise, Daddy.” He told her taxi-driving father.

“I promise too.” Maria agreed as both fathers were happy for now.

“Good, now we just need to get Adam out of his funk and get Saul out of the solo Black-Market trade. There is already one of me, that is enough for the universe.”

At the study…

John really wanted to smoke as he made sure he was alone.

Ever since taken in his triplets, Zatana advised him not to smoke in front of his children. It has been agony since he wasn’t allowed to smoke or drink in front of his students as he was getting nasty withdrawal symptoms. The study is the only place he can smoke. As he was enjoying a puff, he heard the door knocking.

“Shite!” He cursed as he tossed the cigarette into the fire, “Come in!”

Rampotatek came in as he sat down.

“You sent for me?” The boy in the magic hat crossed his arms.

“Listen, Rampotatek, I don’t enjoy punishing you as hard as it to believe, but you really need to get your head out of your rear end. You are a powerful magic user and intelligent to a fault, but you are still reckless and childish. You don’t have blood on your hands, but you came too close.” John warned, “I can have you reach your full potential but you gotta do your part too and be more self-aware.”

The teen frowned a bit with a look of guilt.

“Bullocks, I’m not good with kid stuff but…” John sighed as he hugged the boy, “I’m not mad at you, I just care too much. You’re being punished to become a better magic user, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good, now you’ll still need to stay in that class for a few more weeks, then I’ll let you back at the advance class, okay?” John sighed as the boy perked up while getting a pat on the back.

“Okay.”

“Great, now remember what I taught you?”

“Use your magic to make the world a better place or make a quick buck or something useful to get better stuff.”

“Good, Now head back to class.”

Then the magic-user left Constantine alone in the study as he pulled out cigarettes and began puffing again.

Yeah, he was not good with kids.