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Over the last few weeks, Olivia Benson had developed a new habit.
If she would be finished in time to see Noah before he went to bed she would leave as early as possible and go home to see her son, but if she was sure that couldn’t happen she would add a couple of hours onto her schedule.
Lucy didn’t mind, she was studying and needed the extra cash. She had also mentioned, on more than one occasion, that Olivia’s apartment was peaceful and the perfect place to get some work done after Noah was settled in bed. She was basically paying Lucy several hours of overtime a week to do her own studies.
All things considered, Olivia concluded that her regular post-work visits to Hogan Place were benefiting everyone.
She smirked a little at her stretched logic as she walked around the corner and saw the light from Barba's office glowing down the hallway. She hadn’t called to tell him she was coming, but she had mentioned earlier that she was intending on working late…part of her hoped that he had picked up on her habit and was anticipating that she would stop by.
Could she allow herself to speculate that he might be waiting for her?
Barba looked up and smiled as she walked through his open door. “I wondered if I would see you tonight.” He immediately stopped whatever he was doing, sitting back as he closed his file.
“Well, Lucy has a deadline…” Olivia replied, returning his smile and perching on the chair opposite his desk.
He looked at her in contemplation, almost as though wondering whether to voice a thought, but then ultimately moved on. “So, how long do you have? Can I interest you in a drink? We could go to the bar?”
She looked at the time and then shook her head. “I have a few hours until I’m expected home, but do you mind if we don’t? I’m not really in the mood for company.”
Barba nodded slowly, thinking but not voicing that her desire for solitude had still led her to his door.
“Maybe we could just stay here?” Olivia suggested. “Have a quiet drink?” She paused and then added. “Unless you have work to do?”
He shook his head and stood, the air in his office felt dark and quiet, but also familiar and intimate. Both might have acknowledged later that the atmosphere between them had felt a little different that evening, but that may have been with the benefit of hindsight. This was just another evening drink between friends…and maybe they had been building toward this night since the very beginning.
“I was finishing off some notes for next week’s trial…” Barba told her casually as he stood and walked toward the corner of the room, “…I wondered if you might stop by.”
Rafael Barba rarely felt the need for artifice, especially around her, Olivia loved that about him. He was the least complicated person in her life, the least complicated but somehow no less complex. Her friend had intricate and fascinating layers...and she longed to know more.
“Scotch or wine?” He asked her as he arrived at the table.
“You have wine?” She smiled and stood to see that two glasses and a bottle of red had appeared in his office. “Did you get those for me?”
He smirked and raised his eyebrows, silently asking again which she would prefer.
“Wine would be nice, I haven’t had much to eat today…” Olivia admitted.
Barba’s eyebrow arched as he opened and poured two glasses, then when he nodded toward the couch she walked over to join him.
“No arguments when I insist on sending you home with food tonight,” he told her as she settled alongside him on the couch, “I know you won’t bother cooking for yourself and you skip too many meals.”
Olivia smirked and glanced down at her wine as she shook her head in amusement. She didn’t argue with him, if she were honest, she often felt the strain of being everyone's guardian angel - boss at work and mom at home. She wouldn’t change either role for the world and she knew that her team always had her back, but it felt good to be looked after by someone simply because they cared...and because she allowed him to.
“Have you had a hard day?” Barba asked with a little concern as he moved the conversation forward.
“Not really,” Olivia reflected thoughtfully. “I think it’s me, I don’t feel…I guess it’s been a weird few months.”
Barba nodded, as far as he was aware there had been no specific issues over the last few weeks, certainly nothing that should be getting her down more than usual. “You’re unhappy?” He asked.
Olivia smiled at him now, her eyes glowing with quiet warmth and affection at her friend’s concern, then she sighed a little and shook her head. “It’s nothing, Rafa, honestly. Noah is happy. Work is good. Life is…fine.”
“Fine is not good,” Barba observed with a sad smile.
She laughed softly and relaxed back a little as she turned toward him. Olivia rested her glass on her thigh and slowly ran a finger along the rim. “It’s a cliché for a reason, but I guess life is pretty good right now…and that has left me with time to look around and think about what I don’t have.”
Barba nodded, watching her with complete focus - when she was speaking he had a way of making her feel like they were the only two people on the planet.
“My son is happy, we have a comfortable home, my career is going well and our life is filled with wonderful and supportive friends…” she smiled at him, “...but I guess I want…more? Is that selfish?”
“You are the least selfish person I know,” Barba assured her quickly. “Why shouldn’t you want more? You deserve more.”
Olivia sighed and glanced toward the window for a second. “I guess maybe I want more fun, more laughter, I want…impromptu vacations and weekend trips?” She laughed and shook her head at how ridiculous that sounded, but then she looked at Barba and saw him frowning with what she assumed to be intrigue. “I don't know what I'm trying to say, I guess it's just... I’m okay on my own, I’m not saying that I need a relationship, but maybe I’m starting to feel like I would like one. I guess I’d like someone to come home to, someone to hold me...someone who really knows me. Does that sound silly?”
Barba laughed kindly and shook his head. “You want love in your life, someone who is yours and yours alone…who loves you in the way that you deserve.”
“Rafa…” Olivia smiled and brushed off his words, “…I didn’t come here expecting you to give me a pep talk.”
“I’m serious,” he insisted, but the words he was about to say already hurt, “…it sounds like you’re ready to put yourself out there. Maybe even spend some of Lucy’s study evenings going on a few dates?”
She winced at the thought.
“The idea can’t be all that horrendous?” Barba smiled a little.
“God, Rafa…” she sighed, “…I can’t bear the thought. Meeting a parade of unknown men, wading my way through hours of polite conversation. Am I interested in him? Is he interested in me?” Just the thought of dating was exhausting.
“I can help you out with that second question," Barba assured her, "...the answer is always going to be yes, he definitely is.”
Olivia chuckled at his ‘joke'. “Thank you, you always know how to get me out of my own head.” She couldn’t help but acknowledge that the idea of all those dates sounded even less appealing because she would be missing out on time with him. How could she avoid comparing them all to Rafael?
“You could at least give it a try…” Barba couldn’t help but encourage her, what he wanted more than anything was for Olivia to be happy.
“Then what?” She asked, she sipped her drink and then dropped her head back so that she was looking at the ceiling. “I make it past the awkward stuff, we have a few meals…maybe go back to his place…”
Barba remained quiet, feeling a little nauseous at the thought but still wanting to let her talk.
She was quiet for several seconds before finally concluding, “…I would have to show him my body.”
Barba’s mind froze, she made that sound like a bad thing? He already hated Mr Theoretical, yet Olivia’s tone suggested that she would be subjecting him to an ordeal.
“I'm not sure I understand…?” Barba asked cautiously.
“Don’t be naive, Rafa, it doesn’t suit you,” she replied a little sharply.
Barba’s eyes widened and his mind rushed to try and catch up. “I really don’t…” He began to speak and then fell quiet, suddenly apprehensive that he might say the wrong thing and upset her further.
“Brian was there, Ed knew my history…” she breathed in through her nose then looked at him, “…you’ve seen the pictures, Rafa, you know what I'm talking about.”
Everything suddenly fell into place and Barba’s mouth dropped open a little. She was worried about her scars? Worried about meeting someone new and feeling that she needed to explain her past?
“Liv…” Barba started.
“It’s not just about the physical scars…” Olivia started to go on, “…you’ve seen some of my injuries…”
“Olivia, you are absolutely beautiful,” Barba insisted firmly. “Anyone would be-”
“God, Rafa! Please don’t…” Olivia sat up and swiped at her eyes, alerting him to her overwhelming emotions.
“No…” Barba leaned in and put his hand on her upper arm, then was alarmed when she pulled away. “Liv, please look at me.” He waited until her eyes met his. “I’m not lessening how you feel about opening up to someone. Our scars…they’re part of our story, part of who we are. I…” He paused in thought and then continued carefully, “…I believe I might understand some of how you feel. In order to open up physically to someone you also need to open up a part of yourself that you aren’t sure you are ready to share?”
Olivia held his gaze and then nodded slowly.
“We all have a past, we all have our own story,” he added.
They were silent for at least a minute.
“Liv, can I show you something?” Barba finally asked.
She frowned in confusion and tilted her head.
“I would need to take off my shirt? Would you be comfortable with that?” He asked her softly.
Olivia opened and closed her mouth in surprise, then shook her head. “I mean, of course, but I don’t want you to feel…”
Barba slowly loosened and removed his tie, then started to slip open the buttons on his shirt.
Olivia noticed his fingers trembling a little.
“Wait, no...if you’re uncomfortable…” Olivia began to stop him.
“I trust you completely, Liv,” he assured her, “I’m just not used to doing this…” He smiled and pulled down his suspenders so they rested by his side, then he slipped off his shirt before quickly pulling his undershirt up and off. Finally, he turned his back to her.
Olivia's breath caught when she saw a large number of broad and thin scars over his back. They crossed in patterns up his spine, around his side, then up and over his broad shoulders. They were all old, but some were still pronounced…many were slightly lighter than his naturally warm skin tone.
Someone had hurt him.
She swallowed heavily. God, someone had hurt him…badly.
Tears welled in Olivia’s eyes again, but this time her own concerns and fears were far from her mind.
“Rafa…” She whispered on a breath and lifted her hand as she moved closer. She saw his skin react to the sound of his name and stopped herself from touching him.
“My father was a mean drunk,” he explained quietly after a moment, as though that answered all of her questions.
Olivia guessed that it did, on some level...at least for now.
She felt anger. She felt empathy. She felt l-
“Do I disgust you?” He asked gently and jarringly broke into her thoughts.
“God, no!” Olivia breathed out in horror. “Of course not, Rafa. You could never…”
“I trust you, Liv. I trust you enough to show you my scars, to show you another layer of who I am. I know that you will find that too…and when you do want to share yourself with that person it will mean so much more because of that trust. Your connection will be deeper as a result of your bond.” He turned his head to look back into her eyes. “And when that day does come, I promise that person will never see you as anything other than breathtakingly beautiful.”
Olivia’s heart was beating quickly and heavily now. She understood without a doubt that she never wanted to share that moment with another man. All those faceless men they had talked of could never understand her the way he did.
Her breathing shallowed as her eyes guiltily scanned over his broad shoulders and muscular biceps, then the tempting movement of his back muscles as he started to move. His scars were part of who he was...and everything that made him Rafael Barba was drawing her in.
He began to reach for his undershirt and Olivia let out an unintentional noise of panic.
“Are you okay?” Barba asked as he turned to face her again. “Was this too much? If I’ve overstepped or…”
She reached out and stopped the hand holding onto his shirt.
“Can I…” They both watched as her fingers slowly traced up his forearm. “Can I t-touch you?” She asked, her voice catching slightly.
Barba’s mouth dropped open a little in shock.
She panicked, "Now it's time for me to ask if I've overst-?”
“No,” he assured quickly and then looked into her eyes with confusion and intrigue. “You want to know what they feel like?” He clarified.
“Not exactly…” Olivia replied softly as she shifted closer to him, “…you know what I’ve realised? I'll never want to share myself with those men we talked about.”
His eyes narrowed.
Her fingers slowly stroked along a scar across his shoulder blade. Then she licked her lips as she watched goosebumps rise on his skin in reaction to her gentle touch. “What you described,” Olivia tried to clarify, her mouth felt dry, “…I don't want someone, Rafa, I want you.” She paused, suddenly doubting what she had felt in the air between them.
He was silent for so long Olivia was starting to plan a retreat in the hope of preserving their friendship.
“I’ve been in love with you for a long time, Olivia,” Barba admitted, finally opening himself up to the ultimate level of vulnerability.
A tear slid down Olivia's cheek, she understood now that he was what she’d been looking for. Had she almost missed out on this? On embracing this incredible bond between them?
Olivia moved forward and felt his breath catch as her lips came into contact with a long scar between his shoulder blades.
“Livia…” he breathed and his head dropped forward.
Olivia smiled against his warm skin and then traced her lips slowly down his spine. He had been so right, every word he had said about her perfectly reflected how she felt for him. His scars had pierced her heart, but everything about him was beautiful, and beneath his impressive body was a slightly cracked but no less beautiful soul, a soul which perfectly complemented her own and was crying out for love.
Her hand reached around his waist, stroked over his stomach and then up to his chest as her lips danced softly across his back.
“Livia…” he breathed out again and brought his hands up to cover hers, “…you don’t have to.”
“Trust me, Rafa, I want to," she whispered softly.
“God…” Barba groaned and sucked in a breath through his nose.
She kissed gently along his broad shoulders…his breathing was slow, catching occasionally when she tasted him, or when her lips traced over one of his more prominent scars. Finally, a tear slid down his cheek as he started to feel her unspoken words.
I love you.
After a few minutes, Olivia wrapped her arms around him from behind and rested her damp cheek against his back. “I’m going to text Lucy and ask her to sleep over…tomorrow is a weekend.”
“Livia?” He asked breathlessly.
“Unless I’m being presumptuous?” She asked, laughing a little and turning to rest her forehead against the middle of his back.
Barba gripped her hands above his heart. “God, no! I’m just…if I knew taking my shirt off would have this effect I might have tried it sooner.” He tried for a little levity but his voice was still so filled with emotion that his tone failed spectacularly.
Olivia linked their fingers. “I want to be with you, Rafa,” she told him and he stopped breathing, “…always you.”
He moved away, turned in her arms and then looked into her eyes. “We can wait?” He glanced down at her lips. “For as long as you need. If you really want this…if you want me…I can wait forever.”
She smiled at him broadly, her eyes dancing with humour and affection. “I’m ready for you, Rafa. I trust you completely.”
He held her gaze.
“Shall I order an Uber?” Olivia suggested eagerly, she’d never felt more certain about what she wanted and now she knew where this evening was going she wanted to get there as quickly as possible.
Barba still held his undershirt in one hand as she leaned in again and kissed his neck. “I do want to wait for one thing, Rafa. I want to wait to kiss your lips until we get back to your place.” She teased his skin softly, her breath and words causing him to shudder. “Because when I kiss you, when my lips finally touch yours…I know that I won’t want to let you go…” She wrapped him in her arms, her fingertips dancing over the soft ridges on his back.
“I think you’re trying to kill me…” He finally replied.
"Ours is the most important friendship of my life, Rafa...but I want more, I want everything. ”
He lifted his hand to comb his fingers through her hair.
“Put some clothes on…” she suggested a little sharply, “…while I still have the self-control to let you.” She watched as he quickly began to dress, then she used her app to order an Uber before reaching forward to take over slowly refastening the little buttons on his shirt.
“You’re sure about this?” He asked quietly as he pulled up his brown suspenders.
She looked at him and smiled. “About you? I’m completely certain.”
They tried to act ‘normal’ as they rode down in the elevator and then finally got into the car. Olivia called Lucy on the drive, they even chatted a little about a case, but the air between them was charged and any attempt at real conversation soon dried up.
A short while later, they hurried through his foyer and into his elevator in complete silence.
“If you’re having doubts or want to change your mind…” Barba began to reassure her.
When Olivia laughed a little nervously he turned and looked at her with raised eyebrows.
“I’m not having doubts, Rafa,” she told him bluntly, “…I’m coaching myself to keep my hands off you until we’re in a more suitable location. We're SVU, we can’t be arrested for lewd public behaviour.”
Barba stepped a little closer, then Olivia smiled and brushed the back of her hand against his.
The energy between them felt thick and heavy with sexual tension unlike anything Olivia had experienced…the air around them almost seemed to vibrate.
The elevator arrived on his floor, then as they entered his apartment Barba turned toward her and Olivia immediately walked him back into his hallway.
“We could talk?” He suggested, his eyes flitting down to her lips.
“Or...you could kiss me?” She countered.
“You could kiss me?” The corner of his mouth turned up in a smirk.
“You’re teasing me…” Olivia replied and stepped even closer.
“You’re a flirt…” He quickly retorted.
Olivia stroked her hands slowly up his chest.
He smiled and moved closer so that their lips were less than an inch apart.
She narrowed her eyes and then pushed his jacket off his shoulders, smiling when he looked down as it fell to the floor behind his feet.
“You have choices, Rafa. You could pick it up…or you could kiss me…” She took a couple of steps back and he automatically took two forward.
“I could do both…” He rejoined.
“You could…” Olivia agreed, stepping back again and then smiling as he was drawn forward.
He leaned in and brushed his mouth against hers…his lips teasing, soft and then gone in seconds.
Olivia let out a quiet noise of protest and her lips chased his as he moved back a few inches.
“I don’t know how we imagined that I could have this with anyone else…” she breathed out against his mouth, “…how I could feel like this with anyone but you.”
His lips brushed hers again gently…still teasing.
“You are stunningly beautiful,” he whispered with a reverence that made her belly flip over.
She tilted her head slightly as their soft kisses became more lingering, then more heated. Their mouths collided, tasted and explored. They finally reached a wall and Olivia found herself wrapped in Rafael Barba. His warmth, his scent…his arms.
“Livia,” Barba breathed against her lips after several minutes, “…we didn’t feed you,” he reminded her.
Olivia smiled into his kisses, touched that concern for her was always his priority. “We’ll order in…” she assured and slipped her hand into his, “…later.”
Olivia stepped away from Barba as they arrived in his bedroom, walking and then bending to unzip and discard her ankle boots before turning toward him and sliding down her pants.
“Livia…” He said softly.
“You were right,” she admitted with a small smile, moving to sit on the bed as her hands came up to the buttons of her shirt.
Barba’s eyebrow arched. “That's another milestone, coming from you…” He teased her softly as he approached.
“There’s no harm in keeping you on your toes, counsellor,” Olivia retorted with a wide smile. Then she continued more seriously, "...You were right, Rafa, this is different. Together we are more than I had even dreamed of, I feel l-loved…” Her voice faltered alarmingly on the unfamiliar word.
“Always,” he replied solemnly, “…and completely loved.”
Her buttons were undone and Barba discarded his shoes to one side and dropped to his knees as Olivia opened her shirt.
A simple pale green cotton bra was revealed. Olivia thought briefly that she might have chosen differently with knowledge of where their night would lead - but then she looked up and saw his desire darkened eyes and the thought vanished as quickly as it arrived.
It was a powerful feeling, to feel his desire matching her own. Rafael Barba made her feel like she was standing on the edge of a precipice...but he was also her safety harness and she trusted him completely.
Olivia had briefly forgotten her scars but she noticed Barba's eyes scan her body and, in spite of her confidence, her breath caught.
His eyes met hers for reassurance and then Olivia’s breathing stopped when his lips covered a cigarette scar on the side of her torso.
“I want to rip him apart,” he whispered softly against her skin and Olivia felt her whole body react and nipples tauten, “…for hurting you, for even laying a hand on you…but these scars, they are a testament to your beauty and your strength. Nothing could ever change that.”
Tears slid down Olivia’s cheeks as she encouraged him to move level with her face and then joined their lips in an exploring and almost reverent kiss. They each pushed up and rolled onto the bed, moving blindly as they touched and caressed, finally finding themselves lying together with Barba slightly above her.
“You’re so beautiful,” he repeated, clearly in awe. His hand stroked down her bare waist and he watched in quiet wonder as his fingertips traced her hip. “Dios…” He murmured softly.
Olivia smiled with nearly overwhelming happiness, watching the adoration on his face and briefly wondering if this was all a vivid dream. “God can’t help you now, Rafa,” she told him teasingly.
He looked up at her and smiled, but then leaned in to kiss her lips before slowly tracing his mouth along her jaw and down to her neck. “That was a call out in gratitude, a prayer of thanks,” he assured her. His voice rumbled against her throat and caused one of her legs to instinctively wrap around and pull him closer. “Anyone would be lucky to be here with you, Livia…” He kissed over the crest of her breast, breathing in her scent and then tracing his lips over two thin scars.
“Rafa,” she replied softly and then waited for him to look at her, “I would never want to be here with anyone else. You’re my best friend, my confidant...and I am so in love with you.”
At a little after midnight, Olivia lay with her cheek on Barba’s chest and a slightly dopey grin on her face.
“So, we’re pretty good at that…” Barba observed dryly as he stroked his fingers through her hair.
“No one could deny it, we have chemistry,” she retorted with a soft laugh and then turned to kiss his chest. She lifted her leg up over his thighs and then raised her head to look into his eyes. “Rafa, mi amor, I believe you promised to feed me.”
He laughed and turned to wrap her in his arms as she snuggled her face into his neck. “Pizza?” He asked and reached to grab his nearby discarded pants, holding her close with one arm as he retrieved his cell and scrolled for the number.
Olivia hummed and kissed along his collarbone. “You’re not going to cook for me?”
Barba chuckled and looked down at her with an arched eyebrow. “I could cook…or I could stay here with you until the food arrives?”
She grinned and grazed his skin with her teeth. “Definitely pizza,” she agreed quickly.
“I’ll cook for you in the morning, hermosa. Then maybe I could spend a little time with you and Noah? Unless you have plans?”
“Mmmm…nothing that doesn’t involve you,” she replied with what seemed to be a permanent blissful smile.
“We could go on a spontaneous day out…to…Fire Island! Noah would love the beach, we could eat seafood, maybe even visit the forest…” Barba looked at her hopefully.
“Rafa, I don’t expect you to live up to my ramblings from last night…” She started to assure him.
“I want to make you happy,” he insisted, “…and honestly, I can’t imagine a better way to spend my weekend than going somewhere beautiful with my two favorite people. Think about it, okay?”
Barba touched call on his cell and Olivia lay watching him affectionately as he ordered them both a large pizza - with all her favorite toppings. They already knew so much about each other...she stroked her fingers into his hair and he tilted his head a little to kiss the inside of her wrist...but now she realised that she wanted to spend the rest of her life learning everything else.
He hung up and smiled, “Only ten minutes, do you want wine?”
“I’d like water,” she replied gratefully, “…you’ve worn me out.”
He laughed and then leaned in to kiss her lips. “Okay, give me five minutes right here and then I’ll go…”
Olivia smiled as he peacefully lay his head against her stomach and closed his eyes.
“And, Rafa…” she added softly, “…the beach sounds wonderful tomorrow, but then let's stay home together on Sunday?" She leaned and kissed his temple. “I understand what was missing in my life now...it was always you.”
THE END