Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Well," Taehyung says, looking at the room in front of them. He seems at a loss. "It's better than your dorm room."

To be fair, the new apartment is way better than Jungkook's dorm room. There's no chewing gum stuck to the ceiling, for one. There's an actual bathroom attached, for another. He could probably say something like given love and care, this place could look like home but Jungkook doesn't feel like getting that optimistic yet.

"Yeah," he says, and leaves it at that.

The place came furnished at least, which is all he can ask for. The idea of having to go around Seoul in search of a freaking couch is where Jungkook draws the line at dealing-with-adult-life.

He and Taehyung drag the last of Jungkook's boxes in through the doorway. There isn't a lot of stuff - he's mostly just brought the things he used to have in his dorm room back in college. Some additional necessities that his mom had sent him, like utensils and things he'll never need since Jungkook doesn't know how to cook.

Taehyung shuts the door behind him them with his foot.

He looks different every time Jungkook meets him again, but the easy familiarity that he treats Jungkook with hasn't ever left. Today, he's dressed in a paint splattered shirt with a couple of bottle caps pinned to the front of his shirt pocket. His jeans are old and tattered, and his hair is buried under a giant hat. He emits the same sort of energy that he did back when they went to college together, but he carries himself in a way that's more - dignified. He looks more functional, like a guy who has an actual job teaching preschoolers at a respected school and less like the guy who used to sit under Jungkook's bed and cry over anime.

Taehyung drops Jungkook's house keys onto the ring near the doorframe, and then tumbles onto the couch. He puts his feet up on the backrest and settles upside down.

"Hyung," Jungkook starts. "It's literally the first time we're sitting in that couch. It's going to be offended."

"Because I'm upside down?"

"Yeah."

"Nonsense. This is how you make friends with it - you dive right in like you've known each other all along."

Another thing that hasn't changed about Taehyung is that he consistently makes no sense to Jungkook at all.

"If you say so," he says, and then sinks down next to him - right side up, because he isn't going to hurt the couch's feelings, thank you very much.

They both sit there for a while, staring at the sad excuse for an apartment, trying to imagine Jungkook living in it.

To be honest, it isn't very hard. The place has a bedroom, a bathroom, and an all in one kitchen/living room/whatever it's supposed to be. Jungkook knows already that he's going to do very little outside of lying in bed and being miserable, so it's not hard to imagine him living here at all.

Yes, the peeling paint on the walls is mildly unattractive, and the pipes in the kitchen look filthy enough that Jungkook knows for sure cockroaches live here - but, well. It's not like he can afford the kind of place Taehyung has.

To be fair, Taehyung doesn't live alone. He lives with a friend he met once in a bar, because Taehyung is the sort of person who makes friends with people in bars and decides to live with them. He'd offered to move out and get a place with Jungkook instead, but the school Taehyung works at is much too far from Jungkook's work place. Commuting every day would be hell for one of them or both.

It's odd, when Jungkook thinks about it sometimes, that Taehyung is still even in contact with him. He can't say the same for anyone else.

"It'll be fine if I cover up the walls," Jungkook says.

"I guess so," Taehyung agrees. "You need a plant, too. The place is dead."

"A plant?"

"Namjoon hyung has a lot of plants," Taehyung says. "You can ask him for help."

"He said he wouldn't be around much."

Taehyung shakes his head. "It doesn't mean he won't be around at all," he says. "Just that he might be busy. He helped you get this place, yeah?"

Namjoon lives only a few doors down from Jungkook's own apartment - it's one of the only reasons Jungkook is okay with living in this shithole. There were a couple of better places he'd looked up, with mildly better plumbing and less obvious evidence of rats, but it's hard living in the middle of nowhere and the idea of having a friend nearby was far too tempting.

It's not like he and Namjoon are especially close. They used to hang out a bit before Namjoon graduated - when Jungkook lived with Jimin and Namjoon lived just next door. They haven't talked a lot recently, but Jungkook hasn't talked to anyone a lot recently.

Jungkook looks up to him, and Namjoon doesn’t want to kill him, so he thinks that counts as a good relationship.

"I'm serious," Taehyung says. "If you ever need help, go to him immediately. Don't be all oh but what if he's busy."

"But what if he is busy?"

"Then you smash his door down and tell him to get his priorities straight."

"…um."

The boxes that he has to unpack sit near the door, and he's exhausted just thinking about having to set things up. He also doesn't know if Taehyung is willing to stay and help. It's bad enough that he had to help Jungkook move.

A good host would probably offer to buy food. Jungkook should do that. Once he feels alive enough to stand up.

"Want to take a nap?" Taehyung offers.

It's tempting. "Sure."

The mattress is still packed, so they end up pulling out a bunch of Jungkook's clothes and tossing them on the floor, collapsing on top of them. It's a sorry excuse for a bed, but they're exhausted enough that it's just fine.

/

He does end up covering the walls.

He does it in the middle of the night, when he should be asleep. Taehyung left a long time ago, once they'd finished unpacking and had dinner together. It's a work day tomorrow, and Taehyung couldn't sleep over, not if he wanted to make it to work on time.

For the first time, Jungkook is alone in a room that he's paid for with his own money.

There's no pride looking at it. Only the sinking feeling of loneliness. Being independent is a lot lonelier than he thought.

He covers the walls with anything he can find. Blank paper, newspapers, pieces of fabric that his mother had used to wrap up some of his utensils. It doesn't matter what's going up on his wall, as long as there's something up there that isn't peeling paint and stains that Jungkook doesn't want to identify.

He doesn't sleep all night, working until the sun goes up and his eyes are burning with exertion.

The layout of his bedroom looks a lot like his dorm room. A bed, a desk, a shelf to put his things.

He wonders how many years he's going to be repeating this pattern for. Finding somewhere new, making it his own, fighting the same damned demons in the same sort of places.

The thought is unsettling enough that he doesn't want to sleep. He makes a cup of coffee instead. Jungkook doesn't even like coffee, he doesn't know why he keeps drinking it.

There's something very lonely about this place.

He checks his phone to see if he has any texts. There's Taehyung, who's offered to come over after work to take Jungkook to the supermarket and get groceries. There's Namjoon, asking him if he's moved in, and telling him that he'll be back sometime this week and will see him then. There's Seokjin, who's sent him a bunch of terrible memes that Jungkook knows he's going to be ashamed of laughing at.

He hasn't seen Seokjin in nearly two years now, since his senior took off to Japan. It's odd how accustomed to not seeing people Jungkook is now.

He types in replies quickly, and then scrolls through his contacts.

He's moved into his own apartment, right? This is important, right?

He hesitates over Yoongi's contact.

Is this important enough to text him?

It's not like they've been in touch. Yoongi is still - somewhat around. He'd moved back to Seoul a few months ago, a month before Jungkook's graduation. A year later than he'd expected to be back, but back nonetheless.

Jungkook likes to pretend he didn’t hope that Yoongi would make it to his graduation. He should have known that the half-assed promise Yoongi made over the shitty cafeteria cake wasn't meant to be taken seriously - but Jungkook is embarassed that he held on to it for two years on the off chance that it was.

That was a weird day, his graduation - mostly because he knew he didn't deserve to graduate and kept waiting for someone to jump out of the crowd and go 'ha ha, we're kidding, no degree for you'.

He stood on the stage dazed as he accepted his degree. Taehyung was the only one of his friends that turned up. Jungkook searched the crowd like an idiot when he went up on stage, somehow convinced that maybe they'd surprise him.

Maybe Yoongi would be there after all.

Maybe Hoseok.

Namjoon.

Jimin.

But only Taehyung stood there, smiling so wide his face must have hurt, waving his hands to get Jungkook's attention.

Jungkook hasn't seen Yoongi in ages, but Yoongi hasn't - disappeared. He still texts Jungkook back when he asks about his day. He lets Jungkook know about whatever project he's working on, and sends him videos of his neighbour's dog.

But it's different, staying in touch online with someone who only spoke to you because they lived next door. It's hard.

Jungkook tries not to text him when he can help it. He tries not to text anyone, except for Taehyung. He lets himself have one friend.

That's more than enough for him.

/

"I gather you still can't cook," Namjoon says, mildly amused as he looks through Jungkook's cabinets.

"I can," Jungkook protests.

"All I see here is instant food."

"I have fruits," Jungkook insists.

"…you don't cook these fruits, Jungkook-ah."

"Not cooking them is an art."

Namjoon gives him a look, like he's trying to remember why he ever bothered getting to know him, and then turns back to the cabinet to get himself some coffee powder.

Honestly, Jungkook is a bit on guard. He hasn't slept in thirty hours, and, well. Namjoon is here. Jungkook wanted to look slightly more functional in front of him, not the same kid who he pitied back in college and sometimes gave advice to and bought food for.

Everyone around him seems good at life now. They seem almost happy.

It's only Jungkook who's still stuck back where he always was.

"I still can't cook either," Namjoon admits, a sheepish look on his face. "I usually mooch off the lab cafeteria. It's why I don't come home often."

"Do you sleep in the lab too?"

"Yup," Namjoon says. "I have a sleeping bag there."

Jungkook has no idea why anyone would want to sleep in a research lab that has bottled snakes in it, but then again, Namjoon is willingly working at a research lab that has bottled snakes in it, so maybe they have different ideas of what constitutes good living conditions.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to visit," Namjoon says. "I wanted to be here when you moved in, but I got caught up in the lab."

"For a week," Jungkook says, mildly doubtful.

"Surprisingly yes," Namjoon says, but he does look guilty. "Work is like that sometimes…I don't think anyone else even sleeps. I feel like a loser every time I take out my sleeping bag."

"Nah, they probably just get jealous of you."

Namjoon frowns, unconvinced, going back to dumping coffee powder in his coffee. Namjoon is the only coffee addict that Jungkook knows who uses a socially acceptable amount of coffee powder. He still remembers those dark days when he'd find Yoongi eating the powder straight from the packet because his mugs were unwashed.

How Yoongi can simultaneously be the coolest person Jungkook has ever met and also the person he feels the most sorry for, Jungkook will never know.

"Have you spoken to anyone else lately?" Namjoon asks, leaning against the counter with his drink in hand.

"Tae-hyung comes over sometimes. After work."

"Ah. I should get him to stop by."

"Maybe next week when you're back again," Jungkook says solemnly, more as a joke.

Namjoon takes it seriously anyway. "Listen, I'm sorry about that. I'll try my best to come home more often - I know it's shitty to have told you to move in here and then just - not turn up."

Jungkook shakes his head. "It's fine, hyung, I was just kidding."

In honesty it isn't very fine, but that's more Jungkook's fault than Namjoon's. Namjoon had told him that he wouldn't be around too often. Jungkook had just underestimated what 'too often' meant.

Still. It's better to live in an apartment where he can crash into Namjoon once every few days than it is to live at one where he wouldn't see him at all.

"Have you met anyone?" he asks, to get Namjoon's mind off of it.

Namjoon shrugs. "Hoseok came over once, a few weeks ago. He called my lab creepy and then left."

Jungkook snorts.

He hasn't seen Hoseok in a while either, but he does get odd texts sometimes. Usually they're photos of Jimin. The two of them work at the same studio, and Hoseok has decided that he's Jungkook's official Jimin-content-supplier.

Which is odd, because Jungkook barely speaks to Jimin anymore. Even Taehyung is barely in touch with him, which is saying something.

"I haven't managed to meet Yoongi much," Namjoon says, off handedly. "He says he's busy as hell but I don't know if I believe him."

"I haven't seen him at all," Jungkook admits.

Namjoon frowns, taken aback. "That can't be right," he says.

Jungkook shrugs. It's not like - he's offered to meet up with Yoongi either. He doesn't know how Namjoon and Hoseok do it, just drop by Yoongi's place like they're welcome.

Maybe it's because they are welcome.

Jungkook tries to work himself up to calling him, all too often. He's been in Seoul for long enough, finishing up the last of his coursework when Yoongi finally returned from Iceland.

Every day, he thinks of asking him if they could meet.

Every day, he figures that if Yoongi had wanted to he might have asked already.

"You're serious?" Namjoon presses. "You really haven't met Yoongi yet?"

"I last saw him years ago," Jungkook says, forcing a smile, but inside he's a bit hollow.

Namjoon frowns. "That can't be right at all."

/

When it rains, the windows of Jungkook's apartment shake.

The rattle is deafening, and Jungkook is scared that the windows might break altogether. He doesn't know what to do about it. Maybe he could try to hold it down with something, but the rattling is too unsettling for him to go close to it.

He tries hiding under his pillow, in hopes that it'll muffle the sound, but all that really does is suffocate him. He hides under the pillow anyway, a few seconds of strained, halted breath.

He stops when he realizes it's making him more anxious than not.

It shouldn't be so lonely here. Jungkook is used to living alone - he spent his entire fourth year on campus with no friends at all. He'd go by full weeks without saying a single word out loud, until Taehyung or Hoseok pitied him enough to drop by and visit.

Jungkook is used to living alone, but usually it's at least in a place he recognizes.

For all the shit his seniors gave him for wandering around alone outside - it was still something that Jungkook could do, back on campus. But here, the thought of stepping outside into streets he's never walked through is terrifying. Jungkook sleeps with all the extra bolts drawn over the door. It takes everything he has to not push up the couch against it as well.

The rain is getting worse, the windows rattling harder.

For a second, he considers going two doors down, to see if Namjoon is awake. He could ask him if maybe he wants to hang out together, just for a while.

Just until the rain stops.

At this moment, he'd give his entire soul for it to stop. Every year the storms seem to get worse. Every time that the rain starts, Jungkook is scared it'll never go away.

He pats around for his phone, looking at the time blinking up at him.

3AM.

He pulls the blanket over his head, curled around his phone in the dark. He scrolls through his contact list, stopping at Yoongi's name again.

It's messed up that he always wants to contact Yoongi when he feels like shit.

What would he even say? Hyung, it's raining. I don't feel good.

I think I'm lonely here.

Why don't you want to meet me?

I miss you.

Do you remember the time we screamed at the sky?

Jungkook isn't sure what he'll do if Yoongi doesn't remember, so he puts his phone down and doesn't ask.

It's easier this way. It's easier to hold onto memories that were good, instead of letting them be ruined by finding out that no one else remembers them.

He ends up plugging in his headphones, playing songs from Yoongi's soundcloud. It's a habit he's built recently, to calm him down when he's stressed. He starts from the very old ones, from back before he knew Min Yoongi was a real person - when he thought room number 513 was just another horror story.

He lies awake, wondering how different life would have been if they'd never met.

The playlist reaches the songs from when they were friends. The songs Jungkook watched him write, that he offered feedback to Yoongi on from the corner of his room while he did his own homework. The song that - the song that they sang together, on stage, in a moment where everything seemed alive and alright. The songs that Namjoon changed for Yoongi, the songs that Yoongi wrote on his own after he broke free of whatever had been holding him down. The diss tracks he wrote to make fun of Hoseok.

And then the playlist starts to delve into songs that Jungkook wasn't around for. That he doesn't have memories to attach to.

It's a hollow feeling, because the music is still beautiful. Yoongi was amazing, back when Jungkook knew him - and now his skill is outright insane. The songs are incredible, Yoongi's rap is on point, but with every track Jungkook drifts a little further apart, because - he wasn't there for them.

He can hear the rain even through his earphones. The deafening rattles don't stop.

Yoongi left them all for two years, and he came back as a freaking legend.

Jungkook has been here, for two years, and he's hiding under his pillow because he's scared his windows might break.

/

Taehyung is late.

Jungkook is sitting outside the café he'd been told to wait at. It's mid distance between his place and Taehyung's. It isn't fair for Taehyung to come over to Jungkook's place so often, and there's no way in hell that Jungkook is going to his place when he has a random friend as a roommate - so they've decided to compromise.

Jungkook is standing outside, pretending to text on his phone. He doesn't want to sit alone at a table inside. It's always awkward sitting alone, because the waiters get annoyed at him for not ordering anything and for just. Taking up space.

He scrolls through his app list, over and over. Then he opens his notes app and types in random sentences just to make it look like he has a lot of friends that he's texting non stop.

Still, he feels unsettled, and is pretty sure the café workers are giving him nasty looks from inside. Sure, they probably have better things to do - but Jungkook is sure they're taking time off of it to give him nasty looks anyway.

He's standing outside without coming in or going away. They probably hate him.

Jungkook probably hates Taehyung for making him wait like this.

It's odd when people walk by, as well, because he's standing in the middle of the sidewalk. He makes a big deal of frowning at his phone as if he's stressed when they walk by, like he's just got some upsetting news that he had to instantly stop and look at and text rapidly about.

It's sad that Jungkook has to put up such elaborate shows for people who probably aren't even looking at him.

A couple of figures walk by, across the street, and Jungkook looks up warily, just to make sure they aren't looking at him too, and then -

His heart stops.

There, across the street - is Min Yoongi.

Jungkook doesn't breathe at all. It's only been seconds but he's already on his way to hyperventilating.

This doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense.

Yoongi doesn't look up even once, focused entirely on the screen of his phone. There's another guy next to him, chatting his ear off, but Yoongi doesn't seem to be listening at all, ignoring him as he types something fast.

He looks - good.

Jungkook has seen pictures of him, from his tagged photos on instagram, and from photos that Hoseok sends him on the rare occasions that he sees Yoongi. He looks older, more intact.

He looks less like the person who Jungkook would find trashing his room with fire in his eyes, and more like someone he'd find laughing with his friends.

Like someone who's less depressed.

Jungkook knows he shouldn't judge. He doesn't know what Yoongi is going through anymore, he doesn't know if he's okay.

But he looks okay. He looks just fine. His skin isn't as pale, he doesn't seem as tired.

Sometimes Jungkook misses him, sometimes he's envious.

Yoongi glances up, saying something to the guy next to him, and Jungkook ducks, hiding his face, heart in his throat. His fingers are shaking too hard. It feels like the end all over again.

It feels like the very first time he ran into Min Yoongi, at an insane hour in the common bathroom. Like every other panicked encounter after it.

He knows this is messed up. They're - they're friends. Jungkook should just go up, say hi, chat a bit. Ask Yoongi what's up with life and tell him that Jungkook is just fine, just fine.

He cried himself to sleep last night listening to Yoongi's voice and woke up to cockroaches getting at his food - but he's just fine.

He should just go up and talk to him, but Jungkook can't move. His heart is in his throat.

The thing is - Jungkook isn't doing fine. At all. He has to go to work next week at a place he's never been to before. He's living in a shit hole of an apartment because he thought it would keep him closer to one of the few people he idolized. He's lonely and messed up and can't even cook his own food.

He's in the same place he was in when Yoongi left, and he isn't ready for Yoongi to see that.

He'd always been out of Jungkook's league, and now - now he's so unreachable that Jungkook feels ashamed just being here.

He doesn't lift his head, hood pulled down low in hopes that Yoongi doesn't recognize him. For  a second he's afraid the hoodie is a dead giveaway - Yoongi almost only sees him in black hoodies.

Then he wonders how self important he must be if he thinks wearing a black hoodie is something unique and worth remembering.

On most days he's surprised Yoongi even remembers his name. Or that Namjoon does. Or Taehyung.

On most days he's surprised people don't forget him the instant they turn around.

/

There's a knock on the door when Jungkook is brushing his teeth.

Honestly, he's barely awake. It's hard enough to focus to put the toothpaste onto his toothbrush, and he's half dozing, half zoning out over the sink. When the knock sounds, it doesn't register at first.

When the person knocks again, something starts to come to him, and he slowly blinks himself more awake. It doesn't work.

It has to be Namjoon. He'd said he'd drop by this morning, with extra milk because he wouldn't be back home for a while and didn't want the milk to spoil. Jungkook didn't realize just how early he meant by this morning, but he has to be a decent neighbour and go and take it from him.

He spits out his toothpaste, rinses his mouth and splashes water on his face half-heartedly. Then he stumbles out of the bathroom and hopes he doesn't fall.

Namjoon knocks again, louder this time.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Jungkook calls out, shifting the bolts out of place. The only problem with locking the door so intensely is that he has to get it open in the morning.

He unlocks the final bolt and slides the door open.

And his heart gives out.

"Hey," Min Yoongi says, looking awkward as hell.

"What," Jungkook says instead.

This is...even worse than running into him in the middle of nowhere. Jungkook's apartment is a mess, dirty dishes piled in the sink and papers scattered all over the floor, the load of laundry he's just done in a pile on his mattress because it felt nice to sleep on. He looks a mess, still in shorts and his undershirt, and toothpaste spilt on the front of it, and...this is not how it was supposed to go.

Yoongi looks -  rather put together. He's dressed in well fitting, decent clothes, and a bucket hat, and shoes instead of the worn down sneakers he used to favour, and - he looks like he has a job, honestly.

"Probably shouldn't have turned up uninvited," Yoongi realizes, a bit sheepish.

"I - " Jungkook starts, but he's so confused. He did not expect to see Yoongi at his house at freaking six in the morning. "Hyung, I - how did you even know I live here?"

"Namjoon told me you just moved in," Yoongi says, and he sounds a bit off. "I thought you'd have told me, and then I meant to drop by, but, you know, work and such..." He shuffles for something in his hands, and finally hands Jungkook a package. "But I couldn't keep putting it off or it wouldn't be a new apartment anymore, so a house warming present wouldn't make sense, so..." He trails off, incredibly awkward. "Thought I'd give you this on my way to work."

Jungkook takes the package from him carefully. "You go to work at six in the morning?"

"Sometimes, yeah," Yoongi says. "It's easier to be there before anyone else."

Jungkook steps aside, to let Yoongi in. He seems like he's going to refuse, hesitating, but then he steps inside anyway.

"What is it?" Jungkook asks, shifting the package in his hands.

"Just something to help you out," Yoongi says. "I asked Namjoon, and he told me your kitchen looked...well, kind of like I expected your kitchen to look. Also he said you eat a lot of fruit, so." He nods at the package. "It's a blender."

"A blender?"

"Yeah."

Jungkook stares at the package in awe, unsure of what to say. There's too much happening at this absurd hour of morning for him to handle.

"You got me an adult present," he manages to say.

Yoongi snorts, ending up coughing. "An adult present?" he says, looking incredulous, and just like that it's like he hasn't been gone for two years at all. "Now I'm actually scared to see what's in your kitchen."

"I have a stove," Jungkook defends.

"Do you cook?"

"Uhhhh..."

"If you say instant noodles I will actually kill you."

"...instant curry?"

"Oh my god."

Yoongi looks actually distressed, so Jungkook tries for a sheepish smile. It's not that he doesn't try to cook - he does. He's just really, really bad at it. His mom tried to teach him when he went back to Busan for breaks, and he'd nodded at everything she said and retained absolutely none of the information.

Then Taehyung had tried to teach him, but Taehyung was even worse and nearly burned the place down, so he decided to stick to what he knew.

"I thought Namjoon might have drilled sense into you," Yoongi mutters.

"Oh, hyung isn't usually here. But when he is we eat what I make together," Jungkook says, and maybe he shouldn't have, because Yoongi's eyebrow actually twitches. "Namjoon hyung can't cook either."

There's a moment of absolute silence.

"There are...too many problems here for me to fix right now," Yoongi says, sounding completely done with his life. "And I need to get to work, but - " He looks at Jungkook threateningly. "I'll be back."

"...okay, hyung."

He glances around at Jungkook's apartment once, frowning - admittedly, he probably lives in a much better place. Especially now. Then he steps back outside, hurrying down the corridor, and all Jungkook hears is -

"Yah, Kim Namjoon!"

There's a bang, and a crash, and Jungkook hears someone swearing loudly, and then -

"When were you going to tell me you couldn't cook??"

And he decides that this day has already made way too little sense for him, so he turns around and shuts the door, looking at the package he's left on the kitchen counter.

A blender. Min Yoongi gifted him a blender.

This sad adult life will never start making sense to him.

/

Chapter Text

The place Jungkook works at looks - decidedly unimpressive.

He's got a job at a small start up, one that's small enough that it doesn't bother getting it's own building yet. There are about ten different companies stuffed together in the same building, most of them with an entire floor to themselves. The company he's signed to shares a floor with another one.

There aren't a lot of people, scattered around at their own computer monitors. Some of them have their chairs pulled out into the walking space to talk to other people. Some of them are talking on the phone.

It looks decidedly informal, and for Jungkook, that's even worse than the alternative.

In formal situations, there are at least rules. Whether he knows them or not is a different story. But there's always a clear way to do things - specific people to nod at, specific ways to sit at his seat. Specific things he's expected to do with his time.

In informal areas, anything goes - anything except, apparently, being whatever the heck he is.

He's standing awkwardly at the door, unsure of how to enter. The only person he knows who works here is the woman who interviewed him, and she's nowhere to be seen.

Jungkook doesn't know who he's supposed to talk to.

The day has barely started and it's already too much.

It was hard enough getting out of bed in the morning, what with all the new shit he knew he'd have to do today. Jungkook has been to this office just once before - a couple of days ago, when Taehyung accompanied him to make sure he knew how to get there and didn't get lost on the way.

Taking public transport alone is something Jungkook will never get used to.

Showing up to new places is something that will forever make him want to die.

Maybe he's stood at the door awkwardly for long enough, because a few people are starting to look up at him curiously. They nudge each other, nodding towards him.

Jungkook's stomach sinks further.

Finally a woman notices all the nudging and gesturing, and she looks up at Jungkook. There's a pause, and then she stands up, already all smiles.

"Oh, you must be the new hire!" she says. "I was told you'd be here today."

"Um," Jungkook says, because starting strong is his talent. "Yeah."

He bows immediately. "I'm - I'm Jeon Jungkook."

"Good, good," the woman says, like Jungkook remembering his own name is something to be proud of. "I'm Na Jieun."

She's still smiling, friendly enough - and Jungkook is instantly attached to her because he's attached to anyone who smiles at him. It's probably sad, but he can't help it.

She looks important, too, like she leads something around here. The ID card dangling around her neck will probably tell him, but Jungkook doesn't want to look rude by checking.

"You'll be working under my team," she says. "R&D. Let's just get the formalities done, then I'll get someone to show you what you need to know."

Jungkook nods, and follows her as she leads him into a different room. The other eyes in the room track him as he goes. Jungkook keeps his eyes steadily on the floor.

He hitches his backpack higher - feeling awkward as hell. Why did he need to carry a backpack. It makes him look like a kid.

The gazes watch him intensely, never letting up. It's like the first few days of college all over again.

Everyone watching, quietly judging. Trying to figure out if he was worth getting to know or not.

Sometimes Jungkook wonders what would have happened if he looked different in those few days. If he'd smiled more, talked more, looked a little more alive. Would he have made friends? Would he have got along with his classmates?

Or would things have stayed the same - with him all alone until he crashed into a bunch of older kids who decided to adopt him?

Smile, he tells himself. Look up. Look at them. Smile.

It should be easy, but his heart rate picks up. He keeps his eyes steadily on the floor, hands starting to shake.

Jungkook wants to make friends. He can't bear the thought of this just being another place where he's alone all the time.

But apparently he doesn't want it enough to lift his eyes off of the freaking ground.

/

All of the people who Jungkook is introduced to are - really nice.

His supposed team has five people in it, and they're all scattered around a bunch of tables pushed together. Everyone is far enough from each other to keep their own privacy, but close enough to just talk out loud and have it heard.

It's casual. Friendly.

Like a place he wants to belong to.

Jungkook is given his own computer, but then he's ushered to sit with a man who calls himself Nam Dosan. Dosan looks barely older than Seokjin, and kind of reminds Jungkook of him. He tells Jungkook about all the stuff they've been working on recently, and what to expect, and what to do, and Jungkook watches intently. He's so focused on watching intently that he sometimes forgets to watch intently.

Dosan doesn't seem to mind. He doesn't judge Jungkook when he stutters on his words, or when he can't remember the names of the software he used back in college.

"It's - it's the one with all the boxes," he says, and then wants to jump out the window.

Dosan laughs a bit. "That's basically all of them, Jungkook-ssi."

The heat rises to his face, but Dosan just continues. "You probably used LabView," he says. "That's what they made us use back then."

"LabView," Jungkook says, still burning up. "Yes, yes, that one."

Dosan smiles. "Here's a word of advice," he says. "Everything they teach you in college is shit. Forget about it."

"Yah," another one of the guys calls, without even looking up. He's typing away at his own computer, a pen tucked behind his ear. "Stop corrupting the new kid."

"It's true," Dosan insists. "You'll have to relearn a lot of stuff here. But don't worry! It'll be fun."

He - he genuinely seems to like his job.

Jungkook hasn't met anyone who liked engineering until Seokjin, and never after him.

For the first time, Jungkook looks at the people around him and he wishes he was more like them. He wishes he was as good at this stuff, that he could understand half of the things they understand. He wishes this all meant something to him besides just a way to get money and make ends meet.

It's like a little world that could be beautiful, that Jungkook will never be a part of, because for some reason the wrong chemicals light up his brain.

/

When Jungkook finally gets to go home, it's late.

Apparently another one of the things that comes with an informal workplace, is that no one really tells you when you can go home. It's just up to you. And for Jungkook that means until the people he's working with decide to leave, and it turns out that can take a while.

When everyone finally decides to go home, it's 7PM.

Jungkook makes a big deal of packing his stuff. He has…absolutely nothing to pack, except for his phone charger and the file with all the documents he'd been given today - but he pretends to be packing his stuff anyway. When it becomes too obvious that he's pretending, he pretends to search for something instead.

He needs to wait it out until his coworkers leave - otherwise, if they end up going in the same direction that Jungkook is going in, they'll be forced to go all the way home together.

Jungkook hates taking public transport, but the only thing he hates more is taking the bus with someone he barely knows.

So he pretends to be busy until everyone is safely out the door.

"We'll probably stop to eat on the way back," Dosan says, as he throws all his stuff into his backpack haphazardly. "You want to join us?"

"Ahh, it's okay," Jungkook says, trying to smile. "I have plans with a friend."

The plans with a friend include sitting inside his apartment and wondering if Namjoon will turn up or not, but. Plans with a friend makes it sound like it might be impressive.

"Cool," Dosan says. "See you tomorrow, Jungkook-ssi."

He's out the door, and at last, Jungkook is free.

There are still people in the building, from other teams, who he wasn't introduced to. Jungkook doesn't know how late they all stay. But that's of no concern to him - he just needs to wait until his own teammates are out of his view.

He gives it about fifteen minutes before it'll be safe to go outside.

In the mean time, Jungkook checks his messages.

There's Taehyung, as always, asking him how he's doing, how the first day was, why he hadn't replied yet, if he got lost on the way back home. A couple of missed calls as well, because he must have panicked at how late it was.

Jungkook sends him a message telling him that he's fine, work was fine, he's on the way home. Taehyung reads it immediately, already typing another response.

There's Seokjin, too, asking him something similar. Seokjin is the only reason Jungkook got this job - his grades were way too shitty and his resume was practically empty. But Seokjin had worked in these circles before, and knew enough people to connect Jungkook to. Recommended him, even.

Jungkook owes him a lot.

He's typing in a reply to Seokjin, trying to figure out the perfect balance between totally casual and completely indebted, when another message pops up.

Min Yoongi.

Hey, I heard It was your first day at work today. How did it go?

Jungkook clicks on it by mistake, ends up marking it as read, and then he just stares at it in shock.

Yoongi was the last person he expected to get a text from.

He isn't even sure how Yoongi knew that Jungkook was going to work today. If there's one thing that hasn't changed it's apparently that all of Jungkook's seniors seem to know what he's up to even when he hasn't talked to any of them.

It went well, hyung! He types. And then, because he honestly doesn't want to be describing his day to Yoongi, he quickly adds, how was work for you?

That’s good, Yoongi says. And then, mine was as usual. I'm on the way home now.

It's still - so weird to hear from him.

Maybe this is like - an important day. The kind that warrants them texting each other. Jungkook assumed it was nothing, because it's not like Jungkook is doing a job he likes. Or anything that's even special. He's a small hire at a start up buried in a tiny corner, absolutely nothing to be proud of.

It wasn't the kind of thing he could tell Yoongi about.

But Yoongi doesn't stop texting him.

Are you home yet? He asks. What time do they let you out?

I'm just about to leave, Jungkook says, and then immediately regrets it - because he gets a flurry of replies in an instant.

So late? Why did they keep you this long?

Is it far from your place?

This late on your first day, I don't get these people at all

Jungkook sighs.

He's still inside, but - yeah, he should probably leave. He'll take extra care to not run into anyone. Pull his hat down, keep his hood up.

He'd dressed all formal for today, neat button down and slacks and shoes that he'd actually bothered to scrub clean. But the dress code here seemed casual enough. There were still some people in suits and formals, but there were also people in washed out jeans and hoodies that looked like they'd been dug out of a dumpster.

It's getting cold, and Jungkook takes his own hoodie out of his backpack, pulling it on over his clothes. Then finally, finally, he steps into the elevator.

His phone keeps going off. Probably Yoongi, asking more questions. Probably Taehyung, too.

He should really call Taehyung.

He steps out of the elevator, and then makes his way outside. It's dark, but the street is lit up well enough. The place is unfamiliar, but in the familiar sort of way that all of Seoul is unfamiliar.

Like something bigger than him, something he'll never fully grasp. A place that Jungkook really wants to belong to but is caught off-guard by at every turn.

His phone keeps pinging.

He types a quick I'll call you in a while, hyung, to Taehyung, ignores everything else, and then sets off to get back home.

/

Namjoon's taste in movies is, for lack of a better word, boring.

Jungkook doesn't watch TV to feel things, okay. When he wants to feel things he hides under his blankets and rewatches all his favourite anime. The only reason he watches TV is to have something to stare at while having no say in deciding what he's going to be staring at.

But Namjoon doesn't agree. He finds the movies they play on TV beautiful, and is determined to make Jungkook understand that as well.

Honestly Jungkook is still jealous that Namjoon has a TV.

"You need to watch them more closely," Namjoon scolds him, when Jungkook whines about the movie for the tenth time.

"But she said she doesn't like him!" Jungkook insists. "That's it, movie over! Why does he still think that he has a chance?"

"That's the point, Jungkookie," Namjoon says patiently, and Jungkook has half a mind to snatch away the instant noodles he'd made for him.

"Why is the point that he's a shitty human being?"

"What? No, no, the point is how delusional people can be sometimes and how far they're willing to go for their delusions - "

"But she said she doesn't like him," Jungkook groans, tilting sideways so that he can plant his face into the arm of the sofa. He'd finished his own noodles long ago, when Namjoon was busy telling him about the profoundness of the colour scheme used in a scene that Jungkook didn't see the logic in at all.

"Again, Jungkook, that's the point."

"Aaaaaaaghhh."

Namjoon sighs, patting him on the head absently. "Maybe it'll grow on you," he says, but he seems doubtful.

It's odd how comfortable Jungkook is here, hanging out inside Namjoon's home.

They didn't spend a lot of one on one time together back when they were in college. They hung out a lot together with Taehyung, and with Jimin, but alone - Jungkook didn't have much to say to Namjoon, because there isn't much you can say to someone who's a freaking genius and way out of your league.

Then again - Jungkook had spent half of his college years running around with Yoongi.

Maybe Yoongi was easier to talk to because he was also sort of a mess. Namjoon was both a genius and pretty damned functional.

Unfair.

Jungkook isn't used to hanging out alone with him, but it turns out to be easier than he expected. It's quiet, mostly. Neither of them talk much. It's just simple companionship.

Except when Namjoon tries to make him watch weird profound movies, but - everyone has their flaws. Even Namjoon, apparently.

Jungkook shuffles to make himself more comfortable, head resting against the armrest while he frowns at the screen. The guy is making a dramatic speech about what true love means. Jungkook wonders how to tell him that he's just a creep.

When the ads come on, he's slightly more interested. At last, something that's a bit more fun.

"Have you spoken to Hoseok recently?" Namjoon asks.

"Hmm…" Jungkook considers it. He can't remember, honestly, but it was probably a week or so ago. It was a small exchange, just a picture of a dog Jungkook saw in the streets and Hoseok's excited exclamation points. "A bit, yeah."

"He says he wants to meet up," Namjoon says. "He hasn't met you since you moved here, so."

Jungkook wonders, not for the first time, why it's Namjoon everyone goes to when they say it's Jungkook they want to meet.

It makes it clear that it wasn't the intention, it was just something they thought of in passing. Like, in the middle of a conversation - oh by the way, how is Jungkook doing? Good? I haven't seen him in a while, we should all meet up sometime.

Then again, there's nothing wrong with being an afterthought. At least he's still a thought.

"He's going to come here?" Jungkook asks. It's really been a long while since he's seen Hoseok.

He misses him.

"I don't know," Namjoon says. "He didn't really tell me anything clear. Just that it had been too long."

"It has," Jungkook agrees.

On the ad on TV, someone sings passionately about a brand of toothpaste.

Jungkook wonders how many more years he's going to spend hanging out in the rooms of people who'd been nice to him. When he'd stop latching onto them with a death grip.

It's a shitty thing to do. He's realized that over and over, with Yoongi, with Hoseok. With Jimin.

It's unfair to hold on to people when, to them, you're just someone they met in passing. On the way to somewhere better.

The movie comes back on, and for a second - Jungkook understands the protagonist, even though he's a creep. How he holds onto something that literally everyone in the audience knows he's lost too long ago.

"Why does he suck so much," he groans out loud, to get in Namjoon's nerves - but inside he hates himself a little more.

/

On the days that Namjoon isn't home, Jungkook doesn't have much to do.

He gets home late. Every day, almost. His coworkers like working till dinner, sometimes even after. Jungkook doesn't stay on those days. He leaves when they go to eat.

They say they work better in the dark, which Jungkook gets. It's just. He doesn't understand their motivation. He doesn't have any to compare it to. It's hard understanding that people can have the kind of passion for engineering that, say, Jungkook has for art.

He isn't sure if he can even call that a passion, though. It's more just - something he can't help doing. It pours out of him whether he wants it to or not.

The good thing about getting home late, is that Jungkook doesn't need to wonder what else to do with his time.

Sometimes he cooks dinner. Sometimes he buys something from the supermarket on the way home. He has one of Namjoon's spare keys, and has been told he's welcome to watch TV when Namjoon isn't around, but it somehow doesn't seem right. They aren't that close.

Instead, Jungkook spends most of his time on the internet.

He spends hours just scrolling through memes. He laughs at them by himself, and sends a few to Taehyung. Or to Seokjin, to give him a taste of his own medicine. Sometimes, if he's particularly lonely, he sends them to Jimin. It always takes a few days to get a reply back.

He should send them to Yoongi. That would be funny.

He doesn't know if Yoongi even looks at memes.

He has his finger hovering over a particularly dark one, that Jungkook probably shouldn't be finding funny, but just before he sends it he gets another notification.

It's Hoseok.

Hoseok doesn't text Jungkook all that often. Just enough to keep each other updated about their lives. But the message that pops up is a simple hey.

Followed by, are you free this Saturday?

Jungkook's heart stops.

I think so, hyung, he types slowly. What's up?

Wanna meet for dinner?

Oh.

Honestly, the answer should be yes. Of course Jungkook wants to see him, he misses him like hell. But that's terrifying in itself.

He shouldn't be missing his friends this much. Not after he's spent so long being alone. And Jungkook - doesn't want to attach himself to them again, because he's not entirely sure that he can learn to cope with it twice.

But at the same time - he can't say no to Hoseok.

He must spend too much time thinking, because Hoseok starts typing again.

It's cool if you're busy!

Just haven't seen you in so long.

What about Sunday then? Is that better.

Jungkook takes a breath. Saturday is fine, hyung, he types.

Awesome!

I'll text you then! :D

Jungkook sets his phone down, lying back against his pillow.

It's dark in his room. He doesn’t turn the lights on if he can help it. The lights are annoying and hurt his head sometimes. He stares at the dark ceiling, wondering if he's doing the right thing.

It - it should be okay to just meet with people, right? As long as he doesn't forget where he stands with them.

Hoseok has a life now. One that Jungkook isn't really a part of. But that doesn't mean he can't see him at all.

/

It takes Jungkook far longer than it should to figure out what to wear.

It's - it's stupid. Hoseok has seen him at his worsts, and hasn't ever judged him for it. When he was a weird first year kid who hid under the counter of the store he worked at, when he'd go over to Hoseok's place to learn from Seokjin and would get nothing done and cry instead. When he was in his final year, and he'd get so out of touch with himself that he wouldn't remember what day it was until Taehyung or Hoseok came to visit.

Hoseok knows that he's - well, that he's in a shitty place.

But still, Jungkook worries about what to wear.

Because he shouldn't be that same kid. He should - be ashamed of it, at some point. Just because his friends accepted him for who he was doesn't mean it was okay for him to be that way.

He has a job now. He has his own apartment. Jungkook should be functional.

He should look functional.

His fingers are shaking with the stress already.

Finally, he just pulls on his white hoodie instead of a black one. It's not a big difference, but it's something. A subtle enough change for him to pretend that maybe, he's not that same person after all.

The place Hoseok asks to meet up at isn't far from Jungkook's place. It's actually within walking distance. Jungkook thinks that's on purpose, because - Hoseok has his own car. It's not too hard for him to get here. Jungkook is still stuck taking the bus.

He makes it to the café a good ten minutes too early.

Ten minutes isn't too long, so Jungkook decides it's safe to enter. He keeps his head low.

His fingers don't stop shaking.

It's just Hoseok.

Hoseok knows him.

Jungkook is fine.

He settles in the far corner of the café, setting the menu up to stand in front of him so he can hide. He puts his head down, trying to breathe slower.

It's okay. It's been years, Jungkook still hasn't changed - but that's okay.

Hoseok won't judge him.

He takes a long, shuddering breath. And then a voice calls -

"Jungkookieee!"

He tenses.

The footsteps approach, fast and excited, the way Hoseok always is. Jungkook pushes himself up slowly, peeking over the menu, trying for a smile, but then -

His heart sinks.

It's not just Hoseok.

Next to him is - Yoongi.

/

"It's been so long, yeah?" Hoseok says. "I think the last time the three of us were in the same room was more than two years ago."

"Graduation," Yoongi says quietly. He's drinking some kind of coffee blend, both hands wrapped around the mug carefully. He doesn't look at Jungkook at all. He doesn't really look at either of them.

Jungkook tries not to look at them either.

"Graduation," Hoseok says. "Shit. It's really been that long?"

"Yeah," Yoongi mumbles.

"Wow."

Jungkook sips at his milkshake, unsure of what to say.

It's - weird. Sitting across from them both. It's weird because they're both as easy around each other as they always were, as the best friends that they were from the very beginning.

It's not each other that they haven't met in that long. It's Jungkook.

And it's terribly obvious.

Hoseok looks as good as he always does. He works at a dance studio these days, with Jimin. He looks happy, and healthy, and like he's been able to have a good night's rest - not like the crazed person he was back in college who never got sleep two consecutive nights in a row.

And Yoongi - of course. Yoongi looks good too.

"Namjoon said you work late a lot," Hoseok says, and again Jungkook feels that same spark of annoyance, because. Why does everyone know about him from Namjoon.

"Not really," Jungkook says. "I just sit around while everyone else works."

"Is it fun?"

"Uhhh," Jungkook considers it. "It's not not fun."

Hoseok nods enthusiastically. "That’s a start."

The conversation goes easily enough. Hoseok's always been good with that. He talks about Jimin, about what he's up to these days. Apparently he's been assigned as a backup dancer to a certain idol group, so they sit around in awe about that for a while.

Hoseok himself might have a chance at choreographing for another idol group that's about to debut, which is so incredibly awesome that Jungkook forgets about how awkward everything is and goes straight to fanboying instead.

"That's - " he stutters. "That’s so cool, hyung!"

Hoseok smiles, a bit embarassed. "It's not that cool," he says. "It'll be fun though. They're good kids."

"Oh my god, hyung is going to be famous," Jungkook realizes. He leans back, hanging his head on the headrest, staring blankly up at the ceiling. "I'm going to be friends with a famous person."

"Oh come on."

"My life is complete," Jungkook says. "Hyung, please fund my entire education."

"You're working now, you fool."

"Right." Jungkook nods, because he's gotten so used to complaining about his education that he forgot it wasn't a problem anymore. "Please fund my entire life instead."

"Let me get the job first at least."

"You will!" Jungkook insists. "I'm sure, I know it."

Hoseok smiles, a little fond, and reaches over to grab his hood and pull it down over his face.

Jungkook pushes him away, laughing, but his heart hurts a bit.

He's been - really lonely.

"If you think I'm cool, wait till you hear what Yoongi is up to," Hoseok says, elbowing Yoongi, eyebrows raised.

Yoongi chokes on his drink.

"What did I do," he deadpans.

"He - what did I do, he says," Hoseok says, incredulous. He leans towards Jungkook, conspiringly. "Guess who he's working with."

Yoongi looks aghast. "Hoseok, come on."

Hoseok ignores him. "Go on. Guess."

"Uhhhhh," Jungkook says, eyes shifting between them both uncomfortably.

Hoseok looks excited. Too excited, like this is honestly the best thing to ever happen to him. But Yoongi - Yoongi looks almost distressed.

Like he genuinely can't bear the thought of Jungkook knowing who he's working with.

"It's not - it's not a big thing," he protests, elbowing Hoseok again. "It's not like she was looking for me, she just wanted help from the company and they assigned me to it because they liked the last few tracks I put out - "

"She wasn't looking for you? So saying I really loved your work on Lee Hi's song wasn't specifically looking for you?"

"There were a ton of us who worked on that song, you idiot - "

"But it was your pet project - "

Jungkook watches them, something turning more and more heavy in his chest. Feeling more and more distant with every word.

"The point is," Hoseok says at last, turning back to Jungkook, pushing Yoongi away from him with one hand on his face. "The point is that he's working with IU."

Everything seems to stop.

IU, Jungkook mouths, mostly in awe - but also, in something else.

Of course he knows IU, everyone knows IU. Jungkook might have had a crush on her for the longest time. She isn't quite - a celebrity, she isn't smashing records, and her circles are small enough that she knows a lot of her fans by face, but - she's loved. She's incredible. She's the kind of person you can pin down as a success story before she's even started.

Jungkook turns to look at Yoongi, still wide eyed in shock, and Yoongi - Yoongi looks almost disappointed.

Why - why did he not want to tell him so badly?

"IU," Jungkook repeats slowly, because it's going to take him a long while to process this. He feels like he's sinking, but - he doesn't know why. It was so easy when Hoseok was telling him about his own life. It was so easy to feel good for him. And this - Jungkook should be so happy. He should be throwing streamers into the sky and singing praises in Yoongi's name.

The guy he'd known back then, who was sometimes too scared to go up on stage, now working with someone the entire country loves.

He should be happy, but something hurts. Something inside of him is just - ugly.

It's not - he's not jealous. He doesn't think so.

He isn't sure why, but he just feels so alone.

Hoseok laughs a bit, reaching out to pat Jungkook on the head. "I think we broke him," he tells Yoongi conversationally.

Jungkook forces a smile.

The rest of the conversation goes over his head. Jungkook pretends he's okay. He laughs at all the right bits, eats his food when he doesn't know what to say. He makes it clear that he's super impressed by them both, even though he's never felt this far away from them before. He jokes enough about his own job, about how spectacularly average it is, how the people who work there are sweet and total nerds.

It almost passes for normalcy.

When they're about to leave, Hoseok pays for them all, and then disappears for a second, saying he needs the bathroom. Jungkook is left standing awkwardly with Yoongi, right outside the café, and he realizes that he doesn't have a single thing to say to him.

How did they get so far apart?

It sucks, because - Yoongi is still the first person he thinks of, when he's in trouble. When he has something cool that he wants to share. When he's lonely, or sad, or on the rare occassions that he actually feels alive.

Yoongi is so thoroughly buried in each of Jungkook's memories that it doesn't even make sense. He's - the only person who's ever really understood him, without Jungkook having to say a single word out loud.

And - it's not jealousy, Jungkook realizes. That's not what this is.

It's the fear that Yoongi isn't that person anymore. That this time, Jungkook really is in this all alone.

"Hey," Yoongi says cautiously.

"Hm?" Jungkook asks, voice light. He doesn't meet Yoongi's eyes, focused on poking at a crack in the sidewalk with the toe of his shoe.

"I - " Yoongi hesitates. "Your hands were shaking."

Jungkook stops.

He holds up a hand, honestly confused, because he didn't even realize. There's a slight tremble to them, still, but it's not too bad.

Not as bad as it usually is.

"Ah," he says, and then tries for a smile again. "I was nervous, hyung. I haven't seen you both in a long time."

"It's been too long, hasn't it," Yoongi agrees. "It was so much easier when you were two doors away."

"Yeah," he says, quietly.

There's silence for a while.

Jungkook remembers when the silence used to be comfortable.

"It's fine," Yoongi says, but there's something anxious in his words, too. "I mean. We're all here again now, yeah? It'll be the way it used to be."

Jungkook bites his lip. He doesn't need to point out that Yoongi's words make no sense, because Yoongi seems to know.

He seems to know how empty the words are.

Everyone's been running. Everyone but Jungkook. They've all gotten so far, to places they'd only dreamed of reaching. They all have dreams that they wanted to reach, things they want to do.

And Jungkook - is still here. Alone in the dark, with nothing to do but make it through day after day.

Living because he's expected to.

/

Chapter Text

"So," Hoseok says, voice mild and conversational. "That didn't go very well."

Yoongi ignores him, swallowing down another glass of soju.

They're on their second bottle already. Thankfully it's the weekend, but they should probably still slow down. Neither of them are a very good influence on the other.

"I honestly thought it would be like it always was," Hoseok continues. Yoongi can't tell if he's talking to himself or to Yoongi.

"Did you really?" Yoongi asks.

"Yeah, I mean." Hoseok looks conflicted. "It's not like we - like we fell apart, right?"

Yoongi shrugs.

It hasn't been easy seeing Jungkook.

It hasn't been easy talking to him.

They're both at Hoseok's apartment, now, after the disaster of a meet up. Yoongi is curled up on the couch, holding his glass with both hands. Hoseok is spread out on the floor, staring at the ceiling.

Yoongi doesn't know what time it is.

"It wasn't that bad," Hoseok decides. "It'll just take time."

"It's not you who wasn't here for two years," Yoongi points out.

"Yeah," Hoseok agrees. "Yeah, I used to see him a bit, but like - not often. I think only Taehyung sees him often. Jungkook was a mess in his final year. You know that. I went over as much as I could but I couldn't - help him."

Yoongi does know that. Everyone had been worried about Jungkook in his last year, no one knew how he was going to cope with having none of his friends on campus anymore. He remembers Taehyung texting him back then, about how he was trying to get Jungkook to meet more people, but Jungkook figured what he was getting at and got almost angry about it.

He seemed to think that Taehyung was trying to hand him off to someone else, or something, because he assumed he couldn't take care of himself.

It didn't go very well.

"He seems better now," Hoseok says. "Like. At least he talked to us, right? It used to be hard to get him to talk."

It's true that Jungkook doesn't seem…well, quite as messed up.

But still - Yoongi thinks of his expression when Hoseok mentioned IU, and he takes another huge sip of his drink.

He hated that expression.

The way Jungkook looked at him, it was like - like Yoongi wasn't the same person anymore. Like they'd never been more far apart. And for what? Because Yoongi was - successful?

Because his life seemed okay?

Was that really all that had been holding them together - the fact they both weren't okay?

He takes another sip. Hoseok is saying something else, but Yoongi isn't listening much. Hoseok seems to be talking to himself, anyway.

And it isn't like - it's not as if Yoongi is okay. Jungkook should know that better than anyone.

But how would Jungkook know? Yoongi never talked to him about it. The most that Yoongi ever reached out to say was that he'd heard good music, that a new album was cool, or that he'd written something new and wanted Jungkook to check it out. On the days that he missed Jungkook so much that it actually hurt - he'd ask him if he'd slept, or eaten, or if he was taking care of himself.

Sometimes he'd confess that he was having a bad day, and Jungkook would send him cute dog video compilations. Yoongi would fall asleep watching them on loop.

But apart from that, Yoongi never told him much, because he knew Jungkook was going through his own shit. And Jungkook - Jungkook has never been good at reaching out to him.

He didn't tell him he bought a new apartment.

He didn't tell him he finally got a job.

He didn't tell him that he'd been so messed up in his final year that when Jimin and Hoseok took him out he'd just disappear halfway through the day with no explanation.

He didn't tell him that Taehyung had once turned up at his dorm unannounced and found him completely wasted and passed out, even though they all know that Jungkook hates the stench of alcohol.

Yoongi knows about too much of the shit Jungkook was up to. And Jungkook knows nothing about his life, because he'd kept it that way.

And then - he'd looked at Yoongi today, like they'd never been further apart. Yoongi can't get that expression out of his head.

"Should've called Taehyung too," Hoseok is mumbling to himself. "That kid always managed to put him at ease. Where's Taehyung. When did I last see Taehyung."

There was a day two years ago, when Yoongi was supposed to perform a song with Namjoon. He'd freaked out at the last minute, panicked, and called Jungkook, because, for some reason - Jungkook was the only person he could think of who'd make things seem okay.

They'd been caught up in a rainstorm that day. Yoongi isn't sure if Jungkook even remembers, but it's a memory he'll never forget. They'd been shouting at the sky, absurd things - about how the world needed more of Epik High and candle wax tasted like shit and capitalism was going to end them all, and in between, Jungkook had told him that -

He'd told Yoongi that he was someone amazing.

He'd said Yoongi was so much of a person. So much of everything. That it wasn't just the fact that Yoongi's music was depressing that made it good, it was the fact that it was him.

Yoongi never forgot those words. Every day, when things got too hard for him, when he couldn't tell the difference between Min Yoongi and all the shit that was wrong with his brain - he held onto those words.

All the days he'd spent in Iceland, hunched over the toilet in the studio bathroom, gasping for air after emptying out his guts. Terrified that someone would hear him, that someone would call him out, write him off as someone who wasn't fit for the job.

Someone who came with too much damage to do his work well enough.

In all those moments, he thought of Jungkook.

And now, Jungkook looks at him like someone he doesn't recognize, just because Yoongi seems okay.

Like he never saw a Min Yoongi outside of the depression after all.

/

Yoongi likes to go in to work early.

If he's early enough, the subway is almost empty. He pulls on his headphones and settles in a corner, leaning his head against the side and shutting his eyes. He doesn't eat breakfast in the morning, or even bother with a shower. The first thing he does when he wakes up is start towards the studio.

It's nice getting there before anyone else.

Yoongi's studio is in a far corner of the building, near a couple of other producers that he's been getting to know recently. His equipment is better than anything he's worked with before, even on his two year trip to Iceland. His speakers are insane. Even when he isn't working, Yoongi likes to stay in his studio for as long as possible, just because he feels at home there. Surrounded by all the equipment he used to only dream of having.

Yoongi still can't believe he made it this far.

There's a communal coffee maker at the end of the corridor, and Yoongi stops by once he drops his stuff in his studio. He makes his coffee diligently, his first real task of the day, outside of just waking up and leaving the house.

Once he takes a sip, he feels a little more alive.

Today, he's here by five thirty in the morning.

Yoongi doesn't sleep much. Not because he's overworked - while he does have a ton of work to do, the company never overworks him. He doesn't sleep much because he can't sleep, really. Hasn't been able to in a long time.

His productivity is at an all time high, though, so Yoongi doesn't complain. The coffee keeps him going. He's doing better than he has in months.

Maybe years.

Maybe if he keeps pushing, he'll be fine after all.

It's odd being in an entirely new place. Back in college, Yoongi was a specific sort of person. Everyone saw him as that. Even people who barely knew him thought of him as a loner, the guy who never came out of his room, the rapper who topped all his classes and put too much darkness into his music.

Back then Yoongi was just - that messed up kid.

It wasn't too different in Iceland. There, he was the foreigner. The guy who stumbled through his English and couldn't explain himself right, but made up for it with his music. For a while that was all he was, until everything caught up with him all over again and he was that guy again, the one who had too many breakdowns and had everyone worried for his mental health.

Here, it's a fresh start all over again.

For now, Yoongi is just the genius producer who works with IU and drinks too much coffee.

For now, he's the guy the idols aren't afraid to approach, because he's the closest to their age and just - seems approachable.

For now Yoongi can pretend that everything is okay.

He just has to outrun everything behind him for a while longer.

It should be proof that Min Yoongi, on his own, is someone. That he's here, with every horrible thought he has buried far inside his chest, blending into society like everyone else he knows. He's someone. He's remembered, he's cared for.

He's still someone without the demon inside.

He wonders if that someone is the person Jungkook had sworn he'd seen.

There's a knock on the door, a pause, and then it opens.

"Yoongi hyung?" someone says, peeking inside.

Yoongi turns.

It's Jihoon, one of the trainees. He doesn't have any business being in Yoongi's studio, but he's a sweet kid and Yoongi never has the heart to tell him not to come.

"Jihoon-ah," he says. "What's up?"

Jihoon is young, younger than even Jungkook by two full years. He's quiet, and keeps to himself. A little anxious, a little withdrawn. Sometimes Yoongi wonders if he attracts people like that.

Jihoon talks to him a lot, for some reason. He comes to see Yoongi in between his vocal training, and his dance lessons, and he's always somewhere around. Sniffing Yoongi out of a crowd. Yoongi indulges him, because, well. The kid is sweet. Wide eyed, soft.

He reminds Yoongi too much of Jungkook.

Yoongi really misses Jungkook.

It's something that had mostly settled into a dull ache, back when he was in Iceland. When he knew Jungkook was well out of reach. But now that he's here, just a short trip away from Yoongi's own apartment, everything flares up once more and Yoongi can't get him out of his head.

Jihoon shrugs. "I just wanted to see you, hyung," he says, smiling awkwardly. "What are you up to?"

"What else would I be up to?" Yoongi deadpans, but he's already taking his headphones off, trying to look a little more approachable. "I'm working on a song."

Jihoon steps inside cautiously. He glances for a second towards the picture that Yoongi has hung up on his wall - the picture Jungkook had given him so long ago. Two years ago, the very last time Yoongi had seen him before he left.

He keeps it up on the wall at all times, a reminder as to what he writes music for. If he can't find hope for his own sake - at least he can do it for someone else's.

Yoongi never explains to anyone what the picture represents, and no one ever pushes him.

Jihoon takes a seat on the couch behind Yoongi, already talking about the things lined up for him today. He talks about the coaches that give him a hard time, the vocal exercises he has trouble with, and the fact that he's had a weird tune stuck in his head all day. Yoongi listens intently, offers him advice, jokes about it all even.

It's weird, being a part of the present. A part of what seems almost like normalcy. At a good job, with good pay, and a bunch of people who like him.

And yet - with a part of his heart planted in the past, another in the future, thinking of all the things that haven't caught up with him yet and all the things that will slip away when they do.

/

When Yoongi can't sleep, he likes to play checkers.

He isn't particularly good at it. Sometimes he gets determined to fix that, and watches tutorial videos and reads about strategy, but it all seems super confusing to learn so he just plays the best he can and calls it a good game.

It's 2AM today, and Yoongi gave up on any semblance of a strategy long ago. Right now he's just trying to see if there's any way he can make the board look perfectly symmetrical without dying. It's a noble pursuit.

A lot of the time, Yoongi goes over to Hoseok's apartment at night. It isn't any easier to sleep there, but at least there's someone else to keep him company. Hoseok also has a remarkable collection of drinks in his kitchen, and on the days that Yoongi can't handle being awake a second longer he can drink himself into a stupor instead.

It makes everything worse, but that's one of the things that Yoongi is good at. Making things worse when he can't make them better.

The checkers board doesn't look any more aesthetically pleasing than it did at the beginning, so Yoongi is starting to realize he's no good at that either.

It's 2AM. Yoongi made a rule with himself, once, that he wouldn't make any decisions after midnight. It was an effort at self preservation, because he figured he trashed most of his tracks after midnight and then found out in the morning that they were actually not half bad.

It's 2AM, and Yoongi shouldn't be doing anything out of the ordinary, but he reaches out for his phone and opens his messages with Jungkook.

He doesn't text Jungkook a lot. He's sent a few scattered messages over the past few weeks, asking him what he's up to and what his job is like. How it's been moving into his new apartment. Jungkook's replies are usually short. Like he's wondering when Yoongi will get the idea and stop texting him.

A part of Yoongi thinks he should stop. Another part of him doesn't want to let go.

He doesn't want to give up just yet.

Do you want to get dinner tomorrow? He types into the message box, already expecting a no.

Jungkook may be distant, but it's too soon to give up on whatever it was that they had. Yoongi's treated the kid like shit before and Jungkook never let him go.

Yoongi can't lose him either, not over something like this.

He doesn't expect a reply any time soon. It's an absurd hour, and Jungkook has work tomorrow. But the message is read within minutes.

Oh, Jungkook says. With you and Hoseok hyung?

Yoongi bites his lip.

Was he only willing to come if Hoseok was there too…?

It's what had worried Yoongi last time, which was why he'd latched onto Hoseok in the first place. The first time he'd gone to see Jungkook was pure instinct. He'd had a bad night and ended up at Jungkook's home address after maybe an hour of sleep and not a single clear thought in his head, and he regretted it instantly because - that was no way to meet up.

Not with Jungkook. Not when he hadn't seen him in so long.

But it had been years since they'd seen each other and he was still the only person Yoongi wanted to see when he wasn't doing okay.

The second time he met Jungkook, he actually gave it thought. He was with Hoseok, which he thought would put Jungkook at ease. But that ended up a mess too, in a completely different direction.

He reads the message again.

With you and Hoseok hyung?

I don't know if he's free, Yoongi types, deciding to just be honest. I'll ask him if you want.

No no, Jungkook types. It's fine. I don't know when I'll get off work though.

Yoongi frowns.

Why do they keep you so late?

Jungkook types. Deletes. Types. Deletes. It takes him a full two minutes to write they really like their jobs.

That's no excuse.

You stay late too, hyung.

Which is a good point. He can't say yeah, but I like my job, you don't, because then he just looks like even more of an asshole, so he holds it in.

It's fine, Yoongi says, ignoring the message entirely. Text me when you're leaving. I'll meet you somewhere.

Okay, hyung.

Why are you awake? It's late.

Couldn't sleep. You?

Me too.

Jungkook doesn't say anything after that. Yoongi sets his phone aside, turning back to his game of checkers. He wonders why neither of them asked if there was a reason they couldn't sleep, if they wanted to talk or - anything at all, really.

But - Jungkook agreed to meet up with him.

It's a start.

Almost ten minutes later, his phone screen lights up again. Yoongi checks it halfheartedly, surprised when it's Jungkook again.

It's a link to a compilation of cat videos.

This might help, Jungkook says. Try to watch it and sleep, hyung.

Yoongi's heart hurts a bit. He stops a second, and then shuts his laptop. Then he settles back in his bed, pulling the blankets over him, until he's cocooned in the warmth of darkness.

He opens up the video Jungkook sent him, and presses play.

/

Jungkook looks - different, from the kid Yoongi knew two years ago.

It's in the way he carries himself, the way he looks around. Back then, there was always an air of intense anxiety around him. He walked with his head low and fingers tightened around his backpack, looking ready to bolt from wherever he was at all times.

The Jungkook from before spilled his emotions in every direction. He was easy to read, intense and with a heart too big, and he was just - a mess.

But now, he seems almost contained. Wide eyed, but not as ready to fall apart.

He still doesn't meet Yoongi's eyes much, but he also doesn't seem entirely there. When he looks at Yoongi, it's with the eyes of someone who doesn't expect to be in front of him for long. Like he's already somewhere else in his mind.

Like Yoongi can't keep his attention.

Yoongi buries it down somewhere, deep in his chest, and focuses on grilling the meat to place on Jungkook's plate.

They're in a small shop that Yoongi has never been to before, within walking distance of the place where Jungkook worked. It isn't crowded, but it isn't empty either, and he and Jungkook have managed to get a quiet corner of their own.

Jungkook eats slowly, but he's clearly hungry. He looks skinnier than Yoongi remembers, his hoodie hanging loosely over his frame. Once again, Yoongi worries about how he's taking care of himself.

He places another piece of meat on Jungkook's plate. The boy nods slightly in thanks, and continues eating.

Neither of them speaks much.

"How was work today?" Yoongi asks at last. He isn't eating much himself. He isn't really hungry.

"It was okay," Jungkook says. His voice is soft. He speaks even quieter than he used to, like he doesn't quite remember that other people should be able to hear him.

Sometimes Yoongi wonders just how far he fell last year. He knows bits and pieces, from Taehyung. From Hoseok.

But he knows Jungkook. He knows him enough to know that none of them really know what went wrong.

On one hand, Yoongi is worried. Jungkook seems - okay, yes. He seems functional, less destructive than he used to be. More like someone who can wake up each day and go to work. But he doesn't seem to reach out anymore. He doesn't seem to try, with any of them.

On the other hand - there's something a little bit ugly in Yoongi's heart. Something like anger, like defiance.

He wants to say, you aren't the only one who had a hard time.

He wants to tell Jungkook about just how bad those two years were for him. Of how close he was to being sent back home because he was too unstable. Of the days he'd spent with a psychiatrist he could barely afford back then, who had just finished telling him that he needed medication before Yoongi cancelled all of his sessions with her and never went to see her again.

He wants to tell Jungkook that he isn't okay. He's just pretending that he is. But then - why should he?

Why should Jungkook know that he's having a hard time in order to trust him?

Was that really all their relationship was based on? The fact that they were both so messed up?

Yoongi can't stand that.

It doesn't seem right to hold on to someone because they're messed up. It only means that neither of them wants the other to get better, and that - can't be right. Yoongi knows he wants Jungkook to get better. He knows, because thinking of Jungkook being happier, of Hoseok being happier, of Seokjin being happier - it's the only thing that's let Yoongi keep writing music.

Does Jungkook not feel the same way about him?

"How was your day, hyung?" Jungkook asks, after a pause that's too long.

Yoongi shrugs. "It was okay."

Jungkook gives him a mildly incredulous, mildly amused look. "Working with IU was just okay?"

"Yah," Yoongi says. "I don't work with her every day."

"Even then," Jungkook says. Yoongi wonders how he's joking about it like this when the last time someone mentioned it he'd looked like he'd been slapped in the face. "On the days that you don't work with her you can like, sit around and think about how you're going to see her soon."

Yoongi gives him a look. "What am I, a lovesick weirdo?"

"I mean," Jungkook defends. "She's IU."

Yoongi stops, amused. "You have a crush on IU?"

"Don't we all?" Jungkook smiles sheepishly, looking like he's been caught. "I mean, hyung - she's IU."

"Oh my god," Yoongi laughs.

Jungkook gives him an indignant look. "We're all in love with IU," he says, like it's one of the facts of the world. He looks Yoongi straight in the eye, trying for determination. "Trust me."

"Okay," Yoongi says dryly, but he's still laughing a bit. "I will keep in mind that I'm in love with her."

"Good," Jungkook says, and then goes back to eating, looking a lot more cheerful than he did before.

Weird kid.

"You should come to the studio sometime," Yoongi says, before he can think it through.

Jungkook blinks. "I'm allowed to do that?"

"Sure. If you're just there to see me they won't mind." Yoongi considers it. "Though that might also be because I've never run into someone important before while sneaking people into my studio."

Jungkook goes wide eyed. "You sneak people into your studio?"

Yoongi can tell instantly that he's got the wrong idea, and he narrows his eyes at him. "What are you thinking about."

Jungkook pauses for a suspiciously long time. "Not good things," he admits.

Yoongi reaches out and smacks him over the head. "I sneak Hoseok into my studio," he says.

"You make it sound like you can't be in love with Hoseok hyung."

"If I was in love with Hoseok I wouldn't need to sneak him into my studio," Yoongi says, which maybe isn't the best thing to say because Jungkook gives him an even more suggestive look.

Yoongi sighs. "Please just eat your food."

Jungkook looks even more amused, eating the slightest bit faster.

There's quiet for a while again.

"What are you working on these days, hyung?" Jungkook asks.

"Nothing much," Yoongi says. "The track for IU, mostly. A couple of others for the label."

"No no," Jungkook says. "I mean. What's your project."

"…these tracks?"

"Noo, like - like capital P project."

"Oh."

Yoongi stops.

He hasn't - made a lot of music of his own recently. All of his intense creativity periods are spent doing actual work, and the most he tinkers around with on his own are long winded raps to tell Seokjin that he sucks.

Yoongi doesn't have a capital P project, really. There isn't anything that he desperately needs to say anymore. He's just going day to day.

But Jungkook looks almost excited, eyes wide in the way that Yoongi still can't get over. Like he's ready for whatever Yoongi throws at him.

Yoongi has never met anyone else who was so fascinated by the things that Yoongi couldn't put into words and poured out of his soul instead.

Yoongi doesn't have a project, but he does have something that he puts into all of his music. And it's not his own mind, or the lack of him. It's not the eternal blackness or the emptiness that everyone seems to share, or the voices that aren't heard because they don't want to be.

"It's like standing on your shadow," Yoongi says, more to himself.

"Hm?" Jungkook asks.

Honestly, Yoongi doesn't think he's ever going to be happy.

It feels stupid, almost, to still expect it to happen. Yoongi has reached all the heights that he wanted to reach. He's earning well. Doing work he loves. He's freaking working with IU, who apparently everyone is in love with.

He has friends who love him. Fans who care about him.

Yoongi is doing - good. And he isn't happy. It can only mean that he's never going to be.

The realization had come to him a lot easier than he expected. It's something he just - knew, at one point, and it gave him a sense of relief. He didn't have to keep searching for this weird emotion that he'd never feel, he just had to sit back and exist.

Yoongi can do that.

He can exist.

Sometimes, he thinks that they're all tied together. Everyone on the planet, and all of them have their own stories. Yoongi's story was, maybe, to just be sort of sad. And to make do with it anyway.

Happiness is someone else's story, and he can dream about it through them. And he can hope that maybe one of those people who get to it, is Jungkook.

"It's like a shadow," Yoongi repeats. "It's just, going to be there, all the time. But it doesn't hold you back. It doesn't knock you over. It's just - there."

Jungkook tilts his head, thinking.

He always listens to Yoongi so carefully. With so much of his heart. The painting hanging in Yoongi's studio is proof of it, proof of just how far Jungkook is willing to go to understand him.

Yoongi had missed him, so much.

"I think I get it?" Jungkook says. "Kind of. I mean, we always talk about outrunning shadows and stuff, but this is like - acceptance?"

Yoongi tilts his head. "In a way, I guess," he says. "I don't know. It's more like the shadow is so much a part of you that you don't realize it could be a different entity. It's hard to figure out in the dark - which part is you. Which part is the shadow. It all seems the same, yeah? It's all just one."

Yoongi could go to therapy, could take medication, but - he's scared that his shadow isn't just a part of him that's wrong.

He's scared that it's just a part of him. And once it's gone, there'll be no Min Yoongi left.

You're such a person, Jungkook had said, but - who was that person, really?

Yoongi hasn't ever known himself outside of a shadow to be able to tell.

/

The bathroom floor is cold.

Yoongi's learned long ago not to turn the lights on. It makes everything worse, when the room is lit in the terrible, sterile brightness. It makes him feel even more sick.

In the dark, he can pretend he doesn't exist.

He's on his knees, resting his head against the seat of the toilet. It's disgusting. Pathetic.

He's pathetic.

At times like this, there isn't a single thought in his head. Just the horrible sensation of falling. Something inside him shakes, a horrible mix of anger and anxiety and hopelessness.

Yoongi doesn't know why he drinks, when it only ever makes him feel worse.

It sucks that he can spend an entire day pretending to be just fine and then has to come home to this. Yoongi prays that he can keep it up for longer. That the illusion doesn't shatter this fast. He's in a good place. He has a good job.

Yoongi can't lose it all again, not yet.

He's sick of losing everything, over and over again.

His eyes are burning, and again, he has the absurd urge to reach out to Jungkook.

Yoongi knows that his attachment to Jungkook isn't - normal. At first it was just a quiet, unsettling feeling. It struck him in those lonely days in Iceland, when the thought of Jungkook and the unsaid promises that they'll get better together was all that kept him going through each day.

It struck him then how dependent he was on him. How much his life was centered on someone he hadn't seen in so long.

Was it love? Obsession? Yoongi didn't know.

It scared him.

What were they doing to each other?

Was it because Jungkook was depressed?

Did he like Jungkook because he was depressed?

Worse yet - did Jungkook like Yoongi because he was depressed?

Sometimes Yoongi wonders if the problem is that he sees Jungkook as a bit of himself. That by making sure he's okay, by hoping for his happiness - Yoongi is trying to live through him, or something. Like he's trying to convince himself that the darkness can be fixed, can be cared for, can be loved, just so that it means that he might deserve the same.

He hates that thought.

But what else could it be?

He presses his fingers into his scalp, trying to ground himself.

Yoongi hasn't slept well in months.

Are the mornings really worth it, if the nights suck so much?

It should be fine. This is everything that he wanted. Yoongi is doing well. He's doing good. He'll hold on to the chance he's got, until he doesn't have a choice but to let go.

He thinks of the therapist he'd seen, who told Yoongi that he needed more help than she could give him. That there were things wrong with him that didn't have to be a part of him.

That the shadow wasn't a part of him.

Yoongi wants to believe her, but - he can't figure out what is him and what isn't.

Which part of him is Min Yoongi. Which part is the demon in his head.

Which is the part of him that made his music.

Are they really different? Are they really not - all a part of him? And what does that mean, has he just lived his entire life in the place of a freaking demon in his head?

What does it even mean, to be a person, if it's not his own thoughts that he can trust? It can't be right. It can't make sense.

Yoongi knows he isn't okay, but - he can't accept this. He can't need to change his entire self.

He doesn't want to disappear like that.

His phone rings, somewhere in the distance, muffled by the bathroom door.

Yoongi places a hand on the floor, pushing himself up slowly. His knees hurt like hell, from being slouched on the floor for so long. He washes his face halfheartedly, more because he knows he should and less because he feels the need to.

The phone rings again.

Yoongi stumbles out of the door. It's probably Hoseok. Hoseok is the only person who'd call him at such an absurd hour, because he knows Yoongi will be awake.

He glances at the caller ID, and it isn't Hoseok.

It's Seokjin.

Seokjin never calls him this late. He doesn't call him much at all, without texting first. The anxiety in Yoongi's heart worsens further. He doesn't know what to expect.

He picks the phone up.

"Hello?"

"Yoongi-ah?"

Seokjin sounds - nervous. A bit unsteady. There's forced cheer in his voice, and it's a telltale that there's something wrong.

"Hyung? Are you alright?"

"Don't freak out, I'm fine," Seokjin says, but he still sounds on edge. "Perfectly alive. Healthy. About to bring the entire industry to its knees."

"…you don't even have a job yet."

"Unimportant," Seokjin says. "The point is - I have something to tell you."

"Yeah?"

"Don't freak out, okay?"

"Hyung, you're worrying me."

"I told you I'm fine," Seokjin says, again, and Yoongi can feel his heart rate spiking. "It's nothing. Sorry, I should have called you in the morning."

"Please just tell me."

"It's good news, Yoongi-ah. Nothing to worry about."

"Hyung."

"It's nothing," Seokjin says again, but he sounds like he's convincing himself. "I'm just - I think I'm getting married."

There's a horrible, horrible silence.

"I - what?"

"My parents found someone," Seokjin says. "I met her a few times, she's really sweet. Really cool. I like her, honestly."

"This is - this is so sudden. Why - what. Why?"

"I know, right?" Seokjin forces a laugh. "I feel so old, what the hell. I'll be coming back to Korea in a bit. Once I wrap things up over here."

It doesn't make sense. None of it makes sense.

Seokjin is getting married.

He sounds terrified.

He doesn't sound okay at all.

"Hyung," Yoongi starts cautiously. "Are you sure you're okay with this?"

"I am," Seokjin says. "Honestly, I am. I like her, really. I just - I don't know." He pauses, and it's terrible. "I don't know what I am."

There's a long silence.

"I don't know how long I can pretend," Seokjin says, and his voice cracks at the end.

Yoongi's heart breaks a little more.

"I don't know," Seokjin says again. "I'm not stupid. I know my parents would kill me if I said - if I said - Yoongi-ah, I'm gay, okay?"

Yoongi doesn't know what to say.

It wasn't like he didn't know. Seokjin has never said it outright, but it's still something he talks about, on those lonely nights when they've both been awake for too long. He never says I'm gay, but he says no one would be happy if I was. He says I wish the world was a different place.

"And I know that that's okay," Seokjin says. "I know it's nothing to be ashamed of. But I know my family too. I know the world we live in. And I don't think - I don't think it's worth all that shit, just to be with someone I might find, someone I might be in love with."

It sounds so - unlike Seokjin. So unlike everything that he stands for. The Seokjin that Yoongi knows is proud to be himself, loud and unapologetic. Free.

Not this person - erasing himself because he knows that there's no place for him in the world he wants to be a part of.

Yoongi sits back on the floor, pressing his face against the bed frame. He takes a long, shaky breath.

"I told her," Seokjin admits. "I told her the very first time that we met up, and she doesn't mind, she says she never wanted a romantic partner anyway. She just wants - a friend, to live with. I can be that for her. We can love each other without it having to be more than that."

"Hyung," Yoongi says slowly, because he doesn't know what to say. His heart is so empty. "Hyung, you deserve everything you want. You don't have to settle for someone you barely know."

"I'm not settling," Seokjin says. "I don't - I don't really want anything else. I can't imagine having anything more, you know? This is good. This is fine. I really like her."

It sounds so much like the words Yoongi tells himself, every day. Every moment.

This is good.

This is fine.

"Hyung," he starts again.

"Don't cry, damn you," Seokjin says. "I'm the one who's getting married."

"Hyung."

"It's fine. It's fine. Can't keep hoping for things that won't happen, right?"

I wanted you to be happy, Yoongi wants to say. You deserve to be.

You deserve to be yourself.

If not even Seokjin deserved that, if everyone's just stuck in their own little versions of hell, then - Yoongi doesn't know what they're all still doing here.

He doesn't know what they're waiting around and hoping for.

/

Chapter Text

"The thing is," Namjoon says, his voice scarily clear through Yoongi's phone speaker. "It's not like Seokjin hyung doesn't know how to take care of himself. He wouldn't have agreed unless he was one hundred percent sure he was okay with it."

"Yeah," Hoseok's voice says.

They're on a conference call. Yoongi has his phone on the desk, speaker on, while he absently kicks at the floor to swivel his chair around.

It's around noon. Way too early to be having this conversation.

"But," Hoseok continues. "That's the problem here. He's okay with it. He shouldn't be okay with it."

Namjoon makes a noise that's kind of annoyed, kind of affronted. "We aren't the ones to decide that," he says, scolding. "He trusted us enough to tell us. We're just here to support him."

"We're his friends," Hoseok says, also getting more irritated. "If we don't tell him that he deserves better then who else will?"

Yoongi kicks at the ground a bit harder, letting his chair wheel away from the desk a bit. Then he rolls it back to where he started.

He doesn't speak, letting the other two exhaust themselves by going in circles.

Honestly, Yoongi isn't sure what Seokjin has told them, exactly. They seem to have got the gist of the situation - that Seokjin is marrying a woman when he likes guys - but the way Seokjin told them both had been decidedly calm. Almost carefree. With his usual jokes and deflection, like it was just another thing in his life that he had to tell them about because he wanted them to come to the wedding.

They didn't get the kind of 3AM distressed call that Yoongi did, and he doesn't think it's his place to tell them about it.

"There's no one forcing him to get married!" Namjoon says, and he sounds like he's starting to lose his temper. "It's not like - it's not like he's old, his parents are trying to set him up but they aren't pushing him. He could have said no. But he didn't, for whatever reasons. We don't have a say in that."

"What bullshit," Hoseok says. "Of course he could have said no. You could have said no, to all the damned nonsense your parents put you up to. But you didn't, right? Even though no one forced you?"

There's a tense silence.

Yoongi considers hanging up.

The thing is - Seokjin had a reason. He knew he wasn't going to marry a man, no matter what, so the moment he found a woman who he both liked and was also uninterested in a romantic relationship - he latched on to her.

Which Yoongi still can't decide what to think of.

On one hand, Hoseok is right. Seokjin does deserve better, he deserves the world. But then - Yoongi can't promise him that he'll ever get the things that he deserves.

It's nice to say that he should just wait and that good things will find him, but who is Yoongi to tell him that, when Yoongi can't imagine a future even for himself?

What if good things don't find him, and being with this woman is the happiest that Seokjin's life could amount to?

Yoongi can't say. And Seokjin couldn't, either. If he'd decided to settle for it, then who was Yoongi to tell him that he should dream of being happier.

Maybe Seokjin, like him, just wanted to get through the day.

"I'm sorry," Hoseok says tersely, when Namjoon doesn't say anything for a while. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad."

"No, no," Namjoon says. He doesn’t sound as angry anymore. "You have a point."

"…I mean, yeah, but it wasn't a nice point to make."

"No, I mean it like - he could just be doing that. I could be reading hyung all wrong. Maybe he wasn't forced but it's possible that he's still choosing this just so that everyone else will see him in the way he wants to be seen."

Sometimes Yoongi is awed by how hypocritical they all are. Sitting around talking about how each of them needs to be themselves and choose to be happy while they quietly kill themselves when no one else is looking.

"We could talk to him, I guess," Namjoon continues. "Just - we shouldn't try to push him in any direction. We'll just tell him that we're worried and want to know his thoughts."

"I guess that's fine," Hoseok says, but he sounds a bit doubtful.

"We should trust hyung," Namjoon says, and it sounds like a conclusion. "He knows what he can handle."

"That's what I thought," Hoseok says. "I'm not so sure anymore."

"It's still his life," Namjoon points out, and now they're back at stage one again.

"It can't be his life every time he does something that we're too afraid to meddle with."

"It's not that I'm afraid, I just think it took a lot to tell us and we're overstepping here - "

"He's our freaking friend, how is making sure he's happy overstepping?"

"I told you we can talk to him about it - "

Yoongi sighs. "Stop it," he says.

His voice is quiet, but the two of them stop anyway.

He doesn't say anything more for a while, still absently kicking at the floor.

"Yoongi?" Hoseok starts, cautious.

"You're both going in circles," Yoongi says. "It's exhausting. We'll talk to Seokjin hyung and then just take it from there."

"Yeah," Namjoon agrees.

"Okay," Hoseok says.

"I get that you're both frustrated, but this conversation really isn't going anywhere," Yoongi says. "Namjoon is right. It is his life. But Hoseok is right too - if he's doing this for reasons that suck then someone needs to shake it out of him."

"Yeah," Hoseok says.

Namjoon doesn't say anything.

"I'm hungry," Yoongi says. "I'm going to go eat. I'll talk to you both later."

"Are you alright?" Namjoon asks suddenly.

Yoongi pauses.

Is he alright? He thinks so. He's unsettled, worried, a little bit angry at the whole world, but - he's alright.

"Just hungry," he says. "I'll see you."

He hangs up.

/

Yoongi doesn't like to eat at the canteen in the building.

The place always seems very rushed, the sort of place where people turn up to remind themselves to gulp down their food and then run off to wherever they're expected to go next.

Instead, Yoongi usually eats at the restaurant across the street.

Their food is good, and it comes at a pretty good price. Yoongi eats here so often that the friendly cook knows his order by heart.

She waves at Yoongi when he enters. He bows just slightly, already heading off to his usual corner.

"Give me five minutes," she says.

"Take your time," Yoongi says.

He settles at his table, pulling out his phone to check his messages. There isn't much. Some reminders for the deadlines of the projects he's taken up, and a message from IU asking if he's okay with meeting next week. Yoongi replies a yes, a bit amused that she still asks. For some reason he imagined that idols would just - kick down his door and demand that he make them music, or something. Who knew they'd be polite.

Yoongi probably has to rethink his opinions about…half the people on the planet.

IU - Jieun - is sweet. She's easy to work with, and amazing at what she does. Throwing ideas at each other makes Yoongi feel alive in a way that he only ever feels when he's doing good work.

It's something to look forward to, in the emptiness of every day.

There's another message, from Hoseok, asking Yoongi if he really is okay. It irks him a bit, but he can't bring himself to be mad.

Yoongi can't say he's doing great. He's barely slept all week, texting back and forth with Seokjin. Now that the dam is broken it's like his hyung can't keep secrets anymore, and in the past week Yoongi has learned about every crush he's ever pushed aside and every homophobic thing his parents have ever said, while Seokjin tries to piece his whole life together into an equation that says this is why I'm doing what I'm doing right now.

It sucks. It hurts, to listen to.

Yoongi still doesn't understand why, out of all of them, it's him that Seokjin decided to trust.

His food arrives, and Yoongi nods in thanks, setting his phone aside as he eats. He's seated next to the window, and he can see his own label's building across the street from here. It feels like an odd little world that he's part of.

His screen lights up, and Yoongi taps at the notification.

It's Jungkook.

He's sent a photo of a small doodle. The picture is drawn in the margins of what look like notes, and there's a black wire running across the page that Yoongi thinks must be his computer mouse. He must have doodled it at work.

The drawing itself - is of what looks like a dumpling. It's the most adorable, most miserable dumpling Yoongi has seen in his life, sitting sadly inside its own shadow.

Yoongi smiles at the screen, despite himself.

I tried to draw your shadow thing, Jungkook types under it, with a sweat drop emoji. But it looks too much like you, hyung.

The disrespect, Yoongi types, with no heat in it at all.

Jungkook sends him a laughing emoji instead.

Yoongi stares at the photo, almost absently. He doesn't know what it is, that he's feeling. Why every time that he doesn't feel okay all he wants to do is run towards Jungkook again.

Can I see you today? He types, before he can think it through.

Jungkook reads the message, but he seems to think about it forever. He starts typing, and stops. Starts, and stops.

Yoongi is starting to feel bad about asking. He saw Jungkook just last week. Maybe this is being pushy.

But then - they used to see each other nearly every day. It can't be - bad, to want to go back to something like that.

Taehyung hyung wanted to get dinner today, Jungkook says. You can come with us?

Yoongi hasn't seen Taehyung in - well, ages.

The odd thing is, they haven't really fallen out of touch. Yoongi's only conversations with Taehyung, back in college, used to be either the younger boy threatening him about something related to Jungkook, or trying to plan out Yoongi's future for him. Which, apparently, he can do just fine no matter how far away they are from each other.

Yoongi kind of wants to see him again.

If there's anyone who can make the shitty world they're stuck in seem better, it's Kim Taehyung - the kid who goes around punching people who hurt anyone he loves and braiding feathers into his hair.

Is that okay?

Sure, sure. Taehyung hyung wanted to see you anyway

Cool then. Text me when you're off work.

Okayyyy

Yoongi realizes then that he doesn't know if Jungkook knows about Seokjin.

The two have always shared a strangely intense friendship, that Yoongi could never make sense of. There was very little building up to it - it was like they'd both spotted each other one day and decided you know what. We should be best friends for life.

It's the weirdest friendship Yoongi has ever seen, and that's including Taehyung, who sends Yoongi regulars threats to not mess with his son.

Jungkook seems to trust Seokjin unconditionally. He runs to him when he doesn't feel safe, he trusts him to care when he feels like no one else does. If Yoongi is honest about it, he's a bit intimidated by their relationship. By how easy they make it all seem.

They don't talk a lot anymore, but it doesn't seem to have changed anything for them.

He opens his messages with Seokjin.

Hyung, does jungkook know you're getting married yet?

Seokjin reads it immediately. Wellllllllllll…

Yoongi hates where this is going already.

I did tell him, Seokjin types. But I don't think he understood??

…what does that even mean

Here, see for yourself

[SEOKJIN SENT YOU A SCREENSHOT]

Yoongi opens the image.

                Jungkookie, I'm sorry, I can't marry you

Why not, hyung?

                I found someone else

THE BETRAYAL. Who is it?

                My future wife

It’s a girl??? I've been replaced by a girl???

                Yes and you'll be happy to know that she's a huge fan of bungou stray dogs

ASHDHDHFJJF hyung can I marry her instead

                Yah, I'm not even married yet and you're already trying to steal my wife, how dare you

Wait

Hyung

You aren't serious, right?

                …

                Jungkookie

                How do I break this to you

                I'm really getting married

FHFHSJHFSJFAKSF

You're lying

                WHY WOULD I BE LYING??

You lied about wanting to marry me for this long!!

                Oh my god how do I fix this conversation

HYJNGGGGGGG YOU"RE REALLY GETTING MARRIED AAAAAAAA

                …that was my point, child, yes

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

/

When Jungkook says that he's meeting Taehyung for dinner, Yoongi assumes, like any reasonable person would, that they'll be going to a nearby restaurant.

Instead, they're in the middle of a supermarket.

"What kind of ice cream do you like, hyung?" Taehyung asks, staring into the freezer in grave seriousness.

He looks - much older than Yoongi remembers. His face is more angled, more serious. He still smiles wide with his whole face, but in the moments between, he looks like someone who's finally come to terms with the fact that he's an adult.

It's an odd expression to see on a man who's crouched in front of a freezer and comparing ice cream flavours.

"Is this what you usually do for dinner?" Yoongi asks, because at the rate this is going there's more than one person he needs to save from their horrible eating habits.

"Mhmm," Taehyung says. "Not always. The sweet old woman next door cooks for me sometimes. And other times I go out with my roommate. But that's whatever. What ice cream flavour do you like?"

"I don't know," Yoongi says. "Chocolate?"

Taehyung pauses to give him a look. "I'm upset that you don't know," he says simply. "So I'm going to buy you two."

Yoongi decides to let him be.

He's already decided to pay for them anyway. If Taehyung lets him, that is.

Jungkook finally appears in their aisle, holding an assortment of food items in his hands. Some of it makes sense - cup ramen, soft drinks, even a bottle of sauce, but the rest is just…random. A bar of chocolate, a bag of candy. Just whatever he spotted that he remembered that he liked to eat.

He looks excited though, so Yoongi doesn't have the heart to remind him that he should be eating better at whatever chance he gets, seeing as he lives next to Namjoon.

"Yoongi hyung?" he says, looking a bit incredulous. "You didn’t find anything you like?"

Yoongi blinks. "I didn't think to look."

"Hyung doesn't seem to have tastes," Taehyung says, from where he's holding up two cups of ice cream next to each other to compare the sizes. "We'll just give him stuff from our stash."

Yoongi isn't sure if he should be offended.

Jungkook sets down the stuff he'd found diligently on the floor next to Taehyung. Yoongi looks over it, a bit curious, a bit judgmental. He notices that they haven't bought any alcohol at all.

Jungkook didn't drink when he met up with him last week, either. He genuinely still doesn't seem to like drinking casually.

Yoongi thinks about that day that Taehyung found him passed out after drinking too much, and it unsettles him all over again.

They finally pick out their food, with two cups of ice cream for Yoongi because he needs to 'expand his tastes', and Yoongi manages to elbow Taehyung out of the way at the last minute to pay for them all, and then they're back out on the streets. Yoongi carefully arranges his change back inside his wallet, while Jungkook happily takes their bag of food and slings it over his shoulder, along with his own backpack.

"Where do we eat?" Taehyung asks.

"I assumed you had a plan," Yoongi says.

"I mean, I did," Taehyung agrees. "But I feel like you aren't going to like it."

The plan turns out to be in a small corner in a deserted street. The restaurant is closed, but there are a couple of metal tables out on the sidewalk. The place is dimly lit, and Yoongi is surprised that the two of them even found this place, let alone decided it was a good meet up spot.

They dump the contents of the bag onto the table.

Yoongi watches them. He sees Jungkook struggling with one of the wrappers and gestures for him to hand it to him.

"We could have just eaten takeout," he says, as he bites the wrapper open with his teeth. He hands the open packet back to Jungkook.

"Takeout is boring," Taehyung says. "No one would sell you cup ramen with candy."

"Maybe it's because they shouldn't," Yoongi points out.

"Ehhh."

It feels odd, hanging out with Jungkook and Taehyung together.

It's not like they didn't before. Jungkook used to eat with Yoongi almost regularly, and Taehyung would join them whenever he dropped by. His presence is something that Yoongi is used to - looked forward to, even.

If Yoongi is honest with himself, he's always been a little bit jealous of Taehyung. A little bit in awe.

There's something about the way he carries himself. He's uncaring of how the world might see him in the kind of way that's beautiful. It's not arrogance, it's not even confidence. It's just - a kind of quiet obliviousness, like it hasn't even occurred to him that he might not be in line with what society expects him to be.

He's so busy thinking about other things, so unconcerned with being himself that it ends up coming naturally to him.

But he's not - naïve. It's not like he doesn't know about the kind of hellhole they live in. He's fiercely protective of his friends, determined to make sure that no one dares to give them shit for anything at all. Yoongi hasn't seen anyone pour themselves so entirely into caring for other people. Not even Seokjin. Not even Hoseok.

Everyone seems to take their time to fight their own demons, except for Kim Taehyung.

Taehyung reaches over and pours some sauce into Yoongi's ramen. Yoongi takes the bottle from him absently, murmuring his thanks.

Jungkook quietly eats his own ramen. His cheeks are puffed up as he chews - slowly, eyes unfocussed as he stares unseeing at the table. Lost in his own world.

They don't talk a lot, just in quiet voices.

Taehyung asks Yoongi about his work. Yoongi asks about his. Taehyung is a school teacher now, teaching biology to middle schoolers. It's a job that suits him so well that Yoongi is sure the universe conspired to find it for him.

Jungkook's work is apparently going as usual as well.

It's a bit weird seeing them both go about their lives, without Jimin in the picture. It's like a significant part of their dynamics is missing.

Yoongi doesn’t really know what happened with Jimin. How they all drifted apart. All he knows - from Hoseok - is that they barely meet up anymore and that Jimin has a new set of friends back at the dance studio.

Jungkook's phone starts to ring.

Yoongi glances at the screen, without really meaning to. It's a name he doesn't recognize. Dosan hyung.

Jungkook looks at it with surprise. "I'll be back," he tells them, and then he's dropping his chopsticks back into his ramen and up on his feet in a second.

Yoongi watches him as he wanders a while away, smiling hesitantly on the line. He wonders who he's even talking to.

"Okay," Taehyung says, leaning forward slightly. "He's gone."

"Um…?"

"What are you up to, hyung?"

Yoongi blinks. "What?"

Taehyung looks at him carefully. Critical. It's like Yoongi's third year all over again, when all he did was breathe and then Taehyung would appear out of nowhere to make sure he wasn't up to no good.

But this time feels - different.

Taehyung doesn't just look protective, he seems worried. A bit uncomfortable.

Like Yoongi is a disaster waiting to happen.

"I just - you've been here for months now," Taehyung says. "You never reached out to him at all before."

Yoongi stiffens.

So that's what this is.

He drops his chopsticks into his own ramen, looking up at Taehyung. Protectiveness or not, Yoongi isn't going to take this from him.

"Taehyung-ah," he says. "What do you want from me?"

"I'm not - I'm not blaming you, or anything," Taehyung says. "It's just that - you didn't even make it to his graduation, hyung. I get it, all of you were busy, you're all older and I don't understand what your lives are like, but - even afterwards? You could have just met him? You know how big a deal his graduation was."

Yoongi did know.

Jungkook's graduation was - a huge deal, for all of them. They'd been so excited for it. It was something incredible, the fact that Jungkook made it through. Maybe not in one piece, but he made it out alive. He worked like hell and made it through.

They were proud of him, for fighting this odd battle that none of them could explain why anyone needed to fight in the first place.

And Yoongi had meant to go and see him. Till the very last minute.

"Taehyung-ah," he says. "You know I care about him, right?"

Because that's what it all comes down to.

"I do," Taehyung says. "I'm not - I'm not attacking you, hyung. I know you care about him. That's what worries me."

Yoongi stops. "What?"

Taehyung doesn't say anything for a very long moment. He pokes at his ramen, gaze flat, frowning a bit as he seems to be considering his words.

"I'll put it this way," he says at last. "Jungkookie is - you know how he is. He'll attach himself to you if you’re nice to him."

Yoongi - does know how he is. There have been so many times that Jungkook should have been mad at him. Furious even. With him, with Hoseok - even with Taehyung. But things never got that far, because he always let them go easy.

He just wanted them to be around. If that meant pushing some of his feelings aside, he didn't care.

It's something that's bothered Yoongi since the very first time that Jungkook knocked on his door and asked if he needed help when he was having a breakdown, and Yoongi kicked him out saying he wouldn't understand a damned thing.

"And now you're being nice to him," Taehyung says, "And he's already attached. He's been talking about you non stop since the last time you guys met."

It should - probably flatter him, but it doesn't feel right. Especially with how Taehyung is looking at him.

It just unsettles him. He thinks about the picture that Jungkook had sent him in the morning, of a sad dumpling in a shadow. About how, a week after they met, he was doodling pictures of something Yoongi had told him in passing.

Again, the doubts start creeping back. What was it that they had for each other? Love, obsession?

A distraction till the next time the demons got too much to bear?

"That's not a bad thing," Yoongi says.

"It's not," Taehyung agrees. "I'm just - worried because. Hyung, are you doing okay?"

The question takes him by surprise.

Yoongi - isn't doing okay. He hasn't been in a long while, but he's making do. It's the best that he can do at this point. He's making it through each day, and he hasn't had any slip ups in front of people, so. Maybe that's enough to say he's doing okay.

"I don't see the context," he says at last, voice soft.

Taehyung deflates a bit. Suddenly, he looks like he's spent too much time being an adult. "I thought so," he mumbles, and then doesn't say anything after that.

The unsettling feeling is starting to grow deeper.

Jungkook is still on the phone, far enough from them to not suspect a thing. His eyes are crinkled as he talks, shuffling through a notebook in his hands as he seems to be reading out parts of something he's written. Maybe it's someone from work. Yoongi has no idea.

"What do you mean?" he presses. "Why does it matter?"

"He's a mess too," Taehyung says, voice quiet. "I don't want you to try getting close to him again if you know you can't handle it."

For a second, Yoongi feels slapped in the face.

He doesn't - he has no idea where Taehyung would get such an idea from. He's never treated Jungkook like that, like a - like a burden. Like dealing with him is something that Yoongi has to handle.

For a second he's almost angry.

"Is that really how you see him?" he asks, voice calm and contained.

Taehyung looks at him like he's lost his mind. "You think that's how I see him?" he says, incredulous. "He's my best friend, hyung. I'm just sick of all of you seeing him like that. I can't stand it when you're all nice to him and then leave him when you decide he's too much for you. You aren't okay. He's not okay. If that's something that's going to overwhelm you, then - don't give him hope like this."

Again, Yoongi has no idea where he's coming from.

What the hell is he talking about?

And then - oh.

Oh.

"Jimin," he realizes.

Taehyung looks like he's been caught. Then he hides the expression carefully.

"What do you mean 'Jimin'?"

"That's why he left, isn't it?"

The words taste terrible in Yoongi's mouth.

He remembers Jimin so well. The kid who told Yoongi off at every chance he got - fierce, angry, and at the same time, so full of love for the people around him and the art that he created. He was a good friend to everyone Yoongi knew. He cared so much that Yoongi sometimes wondered where he put all of his heart.

And Jimin had left, because of - because of Jungkook?

"It's not like that," Taehyung says hurriedly. "It's not like - he didn't leave him. He just needed space."

Yoongi frowns.

"He wasn't doing well," Taehyung tells him. He sounds so urgent, eyes shooting back to where Jungkook is standing, who now looks confused by something that the person on the other end of the line has told him. "You know Jimin, hyung, you know he loves Jungkook. He just - he was so worried about Kookie all the time. He'd take him to places and Jungkook would disappear. Sometimes he'd find him having panic attacks in the bathroom. He just - he couldn't handle it, not with his own mental health as shitty as it was."

The worst thing is - Yoongi gets it.

He gets what it's like to be so empty that you don't have the energy to care about someone you love.

It doesn't mean that he likes it.

He doesn't say anything, watching as Jungkook stutters through his goodbyes on the phone. Again, Yoongi wonders what his work is like. He gets home late to begin with, and apparently his coworkers call even after that to take up his time.

Jungkook doesn't seem to dislike it, exactly - but Yoongi can't tell for sure.

He doesn't know if, in the long run, this is better or worse than a nine-to-five desk job.

"Jungkook doesn't know," Taehyung says quickly. "Please don’t tell him. He thinks that Jimin just made new friends, and drifted apart, so don't - "

He cuts off abruptly, when Jungkook's footsteps approach. But the look that Taehyung gives him, warning and pleading at the same time, is enough.

Jungkook joins them at last, looking suspiciously at his ramen. "Did you eat any?" he asks Taehyung.

Taehyung looks affronted. "Why would I," he says. And then promptly reaches over and scoops out a huge bit and swallows it down, just to spite him.

Jungkook just scowls at him.

"Who was it on the phone?" Yoongi asks.

"Coworker," Jungkook says. "He'd asked me to work on some stuff today, and apparently he's still at work so he called to ask if I could tell him about it."

"He seems…sincere," Yoongi says.

"Yeah."

He goes back to casually eating his food, completely unsuspecting of how they've literally had an entire conversation about him behind his back.

/

They end up sitting on the sidewalk, watching cars go by.

The place is mostly deserted. It's rare to see a single car, and each time one passes by Taehyung feels the need to announce it. Then the three of them watch it with their complete attention, for reasons that Yoongi honestly doesn't know.

"Car," Taehyung says.

They all stare at it as it slowly zooms past them.

There isn't much conversation besides that.

Honestly, it's pretty late. It's almost eleven, and Yoongi is pretty sure that Taehyung takes the subway home. He's going to have to leave soon or he'll miss the last train.

Taehyung doesn't seem to care much, content to sit around and watch cars.

Jungkook is sandwiched between them both, his knees pulled up to his chest. His hands are curled lightly into fists, pressed into the fabric of his jeans, like his fingers are getting too cold and he's unsure what to do about it.

Yoongi can't stop thinking about Jimin.

It's the sort of question that has been bugging Yoongi for years.

He gets what Jimin means. It's hard to talk to someone who's depressed when you have your own shit to deal with. There's no way to fix it for them, and that's - overwhelming. For someone as empathetic as Jimin, to hear his best friend constantly break down, over and over - it must have been too much.

But at the same time, it makes Yoongi a little bit angry.

Not at Jimin. Not at - anyone, in particular. More at the situation that they're stuck in.

At the kind of world they're trapped in, where everyone wants to save each other, and the condescending voices from above just whisper you can't save anyone until you save yourself.

Yoongi hates that.

He thinks about all of the people back in Iceland, who'd pushed him to the side because they didn't have the mental space to deal with him, and he feels angry.

He knows - none of this is the responsibility of anyone but Yoongi himself. No one owes it to him to make their own lives miserable by trying to help him out. And it makes sense to him, when he thinks about his own life - but when he thinks about Jungkook's, he can't process it.

It doesn't make sense, that they're all drowning and everyone stands around, holding each other back, warning themselves that if they step too close they'll be dragged down too.

Jungkook's fingers twitch a bit, and he starts to rub them together, and before Yoongi can really tell what he's doing he reaches out to take his hand in his.

He's always surprised by how small Jungkook's hands are. How warm. Yoongi's own hands are always cold, like he's been holding ghosts for too long. But Jungkook always feels -alive. Like a little bit of hope.

He fits his fingers between Jungkook's, tightening his grip.

He'd missed holding his hand.

At first, Jungkook just stares at their hands in surprise. But when he feels Yoongi's grip tighten, he tightens his own as well.

Yoongi doesn't look up, tracing their fingers with his other hand, but he can feel Taehyung's eyes on them. Calculating, curious.

Yoongi doesn't worry about Jungkook dragging him down.

He worries about dragging Jungkook down.

Of kicking and screaming and the younger man following him down because he doesn't know what else to do. Of how it might just be Yoongi's downward spirals that draw Jungkook to him, that all he is to him is someone who makes him feel like it's okay to self destruct.

He worries that Jungkook will leave him one day, when he realizes that Min Yoongi isn't worth all this trouble. That Min Yoongi isn't enough of a person behind the demon that's taken him over.

He holds Jungkook's hand, and he doesn't want to let go.

"It's eleven already," Taehyung says, in surprise. "I should get going. You guys should too."

"Oh, shit," Jungkook says. "I didn't know it was that late."

Taehyung places his hands on his knees, pushing himself up. He stands above them, waiting for them to get up as well.

"Come on," he says. "It's getting cold too."

Jungkook starts to get up, but Yoongi holds his hand tighter.

There's an awkward pause.

"Hyung?" Jungkook tries.

Yoongi doesn't know what to say.

He doesn't want to let go.

He's cold and lonely and he doesn't want Jungkook to ever leave him. He can't stand the idea of drowning and Jungkook watching from above.

He can't stand the idea of Jungkook drowning, and Yoongi not being able to save him.

They're both already drowning. They've always been.

Yoongi can't let go of his hand.

"Don't go," he ends up blurting out.

Jungkook looks confused. A little worried. He pats at their intertwined fingers with his other hand, in some effort to pacify Yoongi from…whatever it is that's wrong with him. "Do you - um. Do you want to stay a bit longer?"

Yoongi hesitates. Then he nods.

Taehyung stares at him, expression cautious, like he's staring at a train wreck that he'd rather not see.

"I'll go on ahead, then," he says. "You guys get home safe. And soon. It's getting really late."

Yoongi watches him go.

They sit there together, in the dimly lit street. Cars go by but neither of them announce them. Jungkook wiggles his fingers in Yoongi's grip at a lack of what else to do, in some attempt to amuse himself.

"Jungkook-ah," Yoongi says at last, when it's been way too long. It's late. It's cold. If anyone else had kept Jungkook outdoors like this, so far from his home, Yoongi would have murdered them.

"Yeah?"

"Can I take you somewhere?"

Jungkook looks surprised. "Now?" he asks. His hair is too long, falling in his eyes. Yoongi wants to reach out and push it aside.

"Yeah," he says. "I'll get you home safe. I promise."

"That's not - that's not the problem," Jungkook says, but by the way he says it it's obvious that that's the problem. Jungkook doesn't like public transport very much. The later it gets, the scarier he finds it.

But Yoongi can drop him off. That's fine with him.

"Come on," he says, pushing himself up, tugging Jungkook up behind him.

He doesn’t let go of his hand.

/

Seoul has always been beautiful.

When Yoongi was younger, it was the city he dreamed of. The city that he imagined would make all of his dreams come true. When the days got harder to get through, and everything seemed like it would never end, he waited for the day he'd break free, and run to Seoul.

Now that he's here - the city has lost a lot of its magic. It's no longer the place of dreams, it's just the place that everyone comes to when they hope for something better. The place where they stay, for maybe longer than they should, afraid to accept that it's themselves that they were running from all along and not the cities that they were born in.

Even then, it's beautiful. In a sad, broken sort of way. When Yoongi looks at the city skyline, all he can really think of is how they're all trying so damned hard, despite whatever the world throws at them.

He's taken Jungkook to the bridge he usually goes to, when sleep becomes impossible.

Jungkook is leaning over the railing, staring down at the river. He seems to be lost in thought. The river is dark under them, almost black. Motionless.

The world on either side of it is lit up too bright, so alive.

It's cold, almost unnervingly so. Yoongi can almost see his breath in the air. There's the quiet sound of the traffic behind them, people going about their night, even at this absurd hour.

Yoongi isn't sure why he brought Jungkook here.

Jungkook doesn't seem to mind, though, content to stare into the river. He seems to have forgotten that Yoongi is even there, elbows crossed over the railing, resting his cheek on an arm. He doesn't look sleepy, even though it's already past one.

Tomorrow is a Saturday. Neither of them have work.

That's still no reason to be out this late.

Yoongi isn't as obsessed with the river as Jungkook is - instead, he's looking up at the sky.

It hadn't occurred to him before how long it had been since he looked up at the sky.

It isn't very clear today, cloudy with the foreboding notion of rain, but there are a few tiny stars peeking out nonetheless. The moon is bright enough to light up the entire world.

It's beautiful.

"The moon is pretty," he ends up saying.

Jungkook tilts his head up a bit, not taking his face off of his arm. "Mhmm," he agrees.

Then he's looking back into the river again.

The minutes pass.

Eventually, Yoongi's legs get too numb to keep standing. He settles down on the floor, resting his forehead against the railing.

Jungkook sinks down next to him as well.

"Do you come here often, hyung?"

"Sometimes. Usually when I can't sleep at all."

"You have a lot of trouble sleeping, don't you."

"Yeah."

Jungkook hums. He places his palms on the ground behind him, leaning back. Taking his own chance to look up at the sky.

He looks back down too fast again.

"It's weird," Jungkook says. "It's not like it's quiet, but it feels quiet."

"Feels like we're in a separate world," Yoongi agrees. "In a parallel life."

Once they rejoin the road behind them, they'll be back in the world they've escaped from again. Until then, for just a moment - everything has stopped.

"I kind of want to jump into the river," Jungkook says, casually, and Yoongi's heart stops a bit. He can't tell if he should be worried or not. If it's something lighthearted, or a confession.

"It'll be cold," he says anyway.

"It's cold here too."

Yoongi doesn't have an argument against that. Again, he hopes that that's all they're talking about. Just - the stupid idea of Jungkook jumping into a river for the heck of it.

Nothing more than that.

"I won't jump in after you," Yoongi warns.

Jungkook laughs. "You don't have to," he says.

"Of course I do," Yoongi says. "What's the point if you're going in alone."

Jungkook doesn't say anything for a long while.

Yoongi chances a look at him. He looks wide awake, but exhausted. There's red creeping into his eyes, the kind of overly intense wildness that he has about him after pulling an all nighter during exam season.

Yoongi reaches over, pulling his hood down lower over his ears.

"You're supposed to go in alone," Jungkook mumbles, adjusting his hood himself. "It's no fun otherwise. There needs to be one person left to tell everyone what happened."

Yoongi frowns. "You want me to go around telling people that you're a freaking idiot?"

"I mean. Sure."

The quiet around them makes the situation seem odder than it is. More like a figment of Yoongi's imagination.

He honestly wouldn't be surprised, if he hallucinated all of this. If two years after he parted ways with Jungkook he's once again staring at the lights, at the sky, and wondering what'll happen if one of them falls.

It gives him a strange sense of defeat. How they've just decided that they're going to be kept down like this, no matter how many years it's been.

"It'll be kind of nice," Jungkook murmurs, almost to himself.

"What will?"

"Just. Existing in other people's thoughts. Without having to be alive yourself."

Yoongi's stomach sinks.

He knew they were talking about this.

It's not like - it's not like Yoongi didn't know, that on most days Jungkook doesn't want to be alive. It's one of those quiet secrets that they try not to talk about, in hopes that if they pretend those thoughts don't exist, they'll disappear.

In hopes that if Yoongi distracts him enough, he'll forget that this isn't a place he wants to be.

His chest hurts, but he doesn't let it show in his voice. "It would suck," he says simply. "You don't get a say in what people remember about you."

Jungkook smiles a bit. "Does it matter?" he says. "They'll rewrite it enough. They'll make me sound like a good person."

"You are a good person."

Jungkook shakes his head, doesn't say anything more. He focuses back on the river, and Yoongi is starting to regret bringing him here.

He stands up, reaching a hand out for Jungkook to take.

Jungkook looks up at him, confused.

"Come on," Yoongi says, waving his fingers. "Let's go somewhere and feel better."

Jungkook takes his hand, but he doesn't move to get up. He gives Yoongi an amused look. "I thought we came here to feel better."

"Yeah, well," Yoongi says. "It worked for a little while, didn't it?"

He pulls Jungkook up, another hand on his arm to physically drag him up.

"So what?" Jungkook asks, still looking like he finds this solution funny. "We just keep running from place to place?"

Yoongi starts walking, dragging Jungkook behind him, grip on his hand never loosening.

It seems a great idea. To just keep running forever.

To flee every time something gets too much for them.

They don't have to outrun their demons forever. They just need to last until they die. Yoongi can do that. He can run. He can pretend.

He can take Jungkook with him.

He starts walking faster, and faster, all the way back off the bridge. They reach the road and by then, Yoongi is almost running, dragging Jungkook behind him.

"Hyung?" Jungkook asks, incredulous, as he stumbles once behind Yoongi. Yoongi turns to look at him, and he still looks - confused. A little amused. A little like they've been out for too long and he's sleep deprived and not thinking straight.

Yoongi won't let them bring each other down. He'll make sure they're both okay. Maybe no one wants to save them, because none of them can.

Maybe they can't save each other, and nothing is ever going to get better.

But if they run fast enough, it feels almost like they're winning.

Like they can't be kept down.

Whatever it is that Yoongi is going to lose, whatever it is that's been chasing him every year of his life - he can outrun it just a bit longer.

It doesn't matter if Jungkook thinks they aren't the same anymore. Yoongi knows better. He knows they're connected by more than just their demons.

"We won't die today," he says, looking at Jungkook. He holds his fingers tighter, tugging him forward faster. Looks him in the eye.

Jungkook looks taken aback.

"Okay?" Yoongi stresses. "There's enough places to run to. We won't die today."

He keeps his voice steady. Stern. He's just stating a fact.

They'll make it through anything. They always do.

Jungkook's face crumples slightly, like he might cry.

"Okay," Jungkook says, voice shaky.

Maybe they aren't good for each other. Maybe they'll bring each other down, sink into the darkness together because neither of them can't remember what it's like outside of it.

But Yoongi can't think about that.

He won't think about that.

If they just get through the night - then they make it one more day. The sun doesn't have any choice but to fucking rise again in the morning.

Yoongi can keep running till then.

/

Chapter Text

It's 7PM when Jungkook's co-workers decide to leave.

He's learned to pace himself to keep up with them, and work at the speed that they do. In the mornings, when they slack off, he opens up a bunch of tabs on his computer and pretends to take notes while he doodles in the margins of his notebook instead. After lunch, when everyone seems to realize that they should be more productive - that's when he starts actual work as well.

It's a lot of time wasted in the mornings, a lot of time spent just spacing out. If it was up to Jungkook he'd wake up a full three hours later in the morning, and come in as late as some of his co-workers do - but he's still new here. It's too early to take their messed up schedules for granted.

He has to prove his worth first. What worth, Jungkook isn't sure. He honestly doesn't think he's making a difference here, but then again - he's only been around for a couple of months. Maybe his work will mean something more as time goes on.

But it's 7PM, and the rest of his team is starting to pack up. Jungkook saves all of his work while making it look like it's taking longer than it really does, biding his time till they all leave.

"We're going to stop somewhere to eat," one of his co-workers, Dosan, says as he stuffs a bunch of cables into his bag. Out of all of the people on his team, Dosan is the only one Jungkook can really talk to. Maybe it's because he's the one who taught him the ropes around here, or maybe it's because the man's smile is always indulgent, no matter how stupid Jungkook is being.

Whatever it is, Jungkook trusts him. Looks up to him. Kind of wants to take him up on the offer to go out and eat with him.

But - it's with other people too.

Jungkook has never been good at eating in a group, let alone eating with strangers. The conversation always drifts to how he isn't speaking up. Or how he never speaks up. Or how he isn't eating enough.

It's not his fault that he can't stomach food in front of people he barely knows.

Or maybe it is his fault. Jungkook doesn't get which parts of himself are his own fault and which parts are just the screwed up wires in his brain.

There's also the issue of leaving, when the meal is over. Who does he walk back with? All of them? What if he finishes too early? Does he just sit there, no matter how late it gets?

What if he needs to go to the bathroom in between? Does he just - get up and go? Should he tell someone? And if he isn't sitting next to Dosan, would he tell whoever the hell is next to him? Or does he just get up and leave without a word?

Worse yet, what if he gets up and everyone looks at him, and he has to tell them all where he's going?

What if one of them takes the same bus home that Jungkook does, and they're forced to go home together?

There's too many questions. Not enough escapes.

Jungkook doesn't like situations that he can't sneak out of in the quiet.

"It's fine, hyung," he says, smiling. "I have plans with a friend."

Dosan raises his eyebrows, giving him an amused look. "You seem rather popular," he says, but it sounds teasing. "You guys have plans every day."

Jungkook feels a bit sheepish. He doesn't have plans. He has a Namjoon who lives two doors down who he likes to annoy when he's lonely.

"My friend lives in the same apartment," he explains. "We usually get food together."

"Ahhh." Dosan finishes packing and slings his bag over his shoulder. He pats Jungkook on the head as he leaves. "Finish up quick," he says. "It's getting late. Get home."

"Yes, hyung."

Jungkook watches as his co-workers filter out the door, one by one. He drags his mouse across the screen, clicking randomly at nothing at all, just trying to make it look like he has things to do for as long as it takes them all to leave.

He opens tabs, and closes them. Scrolls through the files he's saved.

Turns off the internet connection to play with the dinosaur that turns up on the browser.

When they're all gone, he finally, finally starts to pack up his own stuff.

Hyung, are you home? He types to Namjoon.

There's no reply, so he decides to just find out when he gets there.

/

There isn't a lot to eat in Jungkook's apartment.

He rummages through the cupboard for any scraps that look presentable, and doesn't come up with much else but a couple of vegetables and instant noodles. There's some rice left that he could probably cook, but there wouldn't be enough for him and Namjoon both.

He checked the lock on Namjoon's door when he came back - by some luck, he's home tonight.

Jungkook took a shower, pulled on some softer clothes, and now he's trying to figure out what to do for dinner. His hair is still a bit wet, dripping onto his t-shirt. He holds an onion in one hand and a bunch of chili peppers in the other, wondering how far he's willing to go today to make his instant noodles look presentable.

He remembers all those days back in college when he'd just lie on the floor being miserable and Jimin would cook up something magical - which is to say, he'd add an onion into their instant noodles. Which always somehow made Jungkook's day.

Maybe he should add the onion.

He sets about chopping it.

He isn't great with the knife yet, his movements sloppy and the cuts uneven. Still, it's better than what Namjoon does. The first time Jungkook asked him to cut an onion he'd had a heart attack.

He'd never seen anyone cut it in half like that before.

When he's done with the onions, he starts on the chilli peppers. Then he's still feeling fancy, so he digs out all the packaged sauces that came with whatever takeout he ordered, and sets them to the side as well, to pour into his noodles at the end.

In the end his instant noodles take a good twenty minutes or so.

He wonders if he should ask Namjoon to come over and eat. But if he goes over to Namjoon's instead - they could watch TV. It's a lot easier than sitting in the silence. At least it gives them something to talk about.

Jungkook quickly scrapes the finished noodles into a large bowl, and then he's out the door, latching it behind him. He doesn't bother putting on shoes - Namjoon's room is only two doors away.

It's chilly outside. He should have put on a hoodie over his t-shirt at least.

It's fine, though. He'll be indoors again in a second.

He knocks on Namjoon's door, shivering a bit in the cold. The bowl he's holding gives him the barest hint of warmth.

There's no answer.

He knocks again, louder, but again there's no response. Frowning, he rings the doorbell instead.

The sound is annoyingly loud, leaking through the door, but again, there's no response.

It's fine. Maybe Namjoon is in the bathroom or something.

He stands at the door awkwardly, unsure of what to do with himself. Should he wait a bit longer? Or just come back later?

Or maybe he'll try calling Namjoon. If he doesn't get a response he can come back later.

He dials Namjoon's number quickly. It's in his frequently contacted list - the only people he ever talks to on the phone are Namjoon, Taehyung, and his mother.

He hears the phone blare loudly on the other side of the door, and then it goes mute abruptly.

Jungkook blinks.

And then, confusingly enough - Namjoon picks up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, hyung, are you busy?"

"No no, what's up?"

He can hear Namjoon's voice right across the door.

"I'm outside your door," Jungkook says, a little amused, a little confused. "I - uh. Do you want to eat?"

"Oh," Namjoon says. "Uhh. You can come in?"

"...it's locked, hyung."

"Oh. Just a second."

There's the muffled sound of movement on the other side, and then the door opens, Namjoon's sheepish face in the doorway. He looks a little exhausted. A little overworked.

"Hey, Jungkookie."

Jungkook grins at him, a little nervous for some reason. "You didn't hear me knock?"

"You knocked? Ahh, I had my headphones on. Didn't notice."

"Oh."

The coffee table is spread out with books and stationary. He isn't sure what Namjoon is up to, but it seems to involve a lot of diagrams of cells and printed pictures of microscope images.

He doesn't want to risk placing the bowl next to them - knowing his luck, the heat alone will ruin Namjoon's work and then he'll be kicked out of his house forever.

He sets it on the floor instead, sitting down cross-legged. It's kind of cold.

"It smells good," Namjoon says, even though barely any smell makes it out of the bowl. Namjoon is sweet like that.

"I added a vegetable," Jungkook announces, for extra points.

Namjoon looks impressed. "Wow."

They both have such low standards.

Namjoon shuffles around in the kitchen for a second, finally bringing out two bowls. "Here."

Jungkook fills them. His hands are shaking a bit, and he can't tell why. He doesn't know what it is about the situation that's making him feel like things aren't right.

He hands Namjoon's bowl to him.

They eat in total silence.

Namjoon doesn't seem to be working, exactly - he's mostly staring at the papers in front of him with eyes that barely move. Jungkook, for his part, stares straight into his bowl. He's scared to stare ahead because that's where the TV is, and if he looks at the blank screen then Namjoon will think he wants to turn it on.

Which Jungkook does want to do - but it looks like it would piss Namjoon off right now, with how stressed he looks. Jungkook would rather eat in silence.

His phone goes off a couple of times, and Jungkook checks his messages absently. It's Seokjin, talking about packing his stuff back in Japan. He'd told Jungkook before that he'd be in Korea in a couple of weeks. Jungkook is excited, but not overly so - he knows enough at this point to not expect to be able to spend much time with him.

Plus, Seokjin is getting married. He'll probably go straight to his hometown, maybe after saying hi to Yoongi and Hoseok and Namjoon.

Honestly, Jungkook still can't believe that Seokjin is getting married.

It's odd because - on one side, Jungkook has never been happier for him. Except maybe when he graduated. On the other side - it feels like Seokjin is growing up so fast. Moving so far away.

It was hard enough watching him leave to Japan - this feels like a different kind of goodbye. He won't just be Seokjin anymore, he'll have all kinds of responsibilities that Jungkook can't even imagine having.

He scrolls through Seokjin's messages, feeling nostalgic for a time that he isn't sure he ever experienced.

Namjoon's phone rings.

"Shit," he says, frowning at the screen.

"You okay, hyung?"

"Yeah, yeah," Namjoon says. "It's just someone I work with. I thought I had the day off, but clearly I don't."

He seems irritated, and Jungkook doesn't know what to say.

"Can't talk on the phone like this," Namjoon mumbles to himself. "I'll just go and get my headphones."

He disappears into his bedroom, the sound of thumps and clashes sounding from inside as he presumably searches for the headphones that he's lost. Jungkook focuses on his screen, watching as Seokjin types some more - probably to complain about the size of packing boxes again.

And then it strikes him.

...headphones?

Namjoon had told him that - he didn't hear Jungkook knocking because of his headphones.

It sinks in slowly, and it's something cold.

There was no reason for Namjoon to lie. He could have just said he hadn't heard Jungkook and Jungkook would have gone with it. But to specifically lie about it, like it was something to hide -

Namjoon did hear him. He hadn't opened the door on purpose.

He hadn't wanted to meet Jungkook today, and here Jungkook was anyway, like the most insufferable neighbour ever.

His hands are shaking harder now, heart beating too loud. Everything is too hot, shame washing over him. He's so stupid. So stupid.

He could have just asked. He could have understood that the silence meant a no.

Instead of turning up like this in places when he wasn't wanted.

Namjoon is still searching around his room, cursing to himself. The sounds make Jungkook's anxiety peak further, setting him more on edge.

He needs to leave.

His bowl is almost empty. He'd wanted to refill it once more. But Namjoon could be out any time, and Jungkook's moment to disappear would be gone.

He'll just have to find something else to eat.

He slips outside as quietly as he can. His hands fumble a bit over the doorknob, shaking as he shuts the door softly. And then he's out in the cold again, barefoot and shaking, feeling like a fool.

Then he realizes he's left his phone indoors.

It's fine. It's fine. He'll come back for it later. Maybe Namjoon will be nice enough to drop it off for him.

It's fine.

It's fine.

Jungkook can't go back in there again.

/

It's at 12AM that Namjoon knocks on his door.

It takes Jungkook forever to get out of bed. He's curled up under his blankets, watching an anime that he's watched at least a hundred times before to numb his thoughts. The knocking is too loud, too jarring, and for a second Jungkook is unsure of what's happening. Where he is. What time it is.

"Jungkook-ah?" Namjoon's voice calls, and - oh. It's him.

Probably with Jungkook's phone.

He drags himself out of bed, unwilling to part with his blanket. He kind of wants to hold it around him, but then. He doesn't want to look even more pathetic than he already does. He pushes it off with reluctance, letting go of the warmth.

Namjoon knocks again. Jungkook feels a flash of irritation. It's freaking 12AM.

"I'm coming, hyung!"

Just because he's always awake at this time doesn't mean Namjoon can pound on his door.

The irritation lasts just a second because - it's unwarranted.

It's his phone that Namjoon is here to return.

Because of Jungkook's own stupidity.

He rubs his eyes and combs his fingers through his hair once, and then he sets up pulling off the too many bolts dragged over his door. He opens the door just slightly, peeking out to see.

It is Namjoon. He looks a bit worried, a bit tired. He holds out Jungkook's phone for him to take.

"Ah," Jungkook says, feigning surprise. "Thanks, hyung."

"I thought you'd come back," Namjoon says softly. "When you noticed it was missing. That's why I waited so long."

Jungkook's brow furrows, that flash of irritation hitting him again.

Namjoon had kept it on purpose? To what, lure him out? When he hadn't wanted him there in the first place?

Just to see if they were still on good terms?

"I noticed a while ago," Jungkook says instead, smiling sheepishly. "But my bed was too comfortable to leave."

"Of course," Namjoon says, trying for a smile. He still looks a bit worried. "Get some sleep, then."

"You too, hyung."

"I'll probably come home tomorrow too," Namjoon adds, rushed. "If you want to eat together again."

Something ugly settles in Jungkook's chest. "Sure, hyung."

This is the part he always hates.

The part with the pity.

The empty promises, the way everyone seems to think that he needs to be treated with a little extra care.

He isn't holding a grudge. Namjoon didn't want him around, and Jungkook left. That was all there was to it. He isn't angry that Namjoon didn't want him there - he's angry with himself for not noticing sooner.

It's this part that's insulting, that makes it worse - like Jungkook needs to be pacified. Entertained. Given attention.

"Good night, then," he says, stepping away, starting to shut the door.

"Good night," Namjoon agrees. "And Jungkook-ah?"

"Hm?"

"You know you're always welcome in my apartment, right? Even if - even if I didn't act like it today."

So many empty promises. So many lies.

Jungkook wonders when people will tell him to his face when they don't want him around.

/

It's on a Sunday that Jungkook wakes up to the sound of his phone going off.

He searches for it blearily, patting all around his pillow. The screen is so bright it blinds him, and he squints at it, frowning, barely awake.

It's Seokjin.

A glance at the time tells him it's 4AM.

What the heck.

He can't really press buttons right in his sleep deprived state, or even think clearly, which is maybe why he decides to pick it up at all.

"Hyung?" he tries to say. It comes out a little slurred.

"Jungkook-ah," Seokjin says, voice far too clear for this hour of morning. "I need you to go to the ground floor of your apartment real quick."

Jungkook blinks, blearily. "Huh?"

Seokjin sounds a little urgent, a little distracted. "Quick, quick," he says. "Come on, Jungkookie."

"I don't know what you're saying," Jungkook mumbles, already falling asleep a bit. Maybe he's dreaming. That would explain a lot. "Don't want to get kidnapped."

Seokjin exhales into his ear, a little exasperated, but still amused. "Okay," he says. "Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Do me a favour then - just open the door, okay? And look down from the corridor. There's something there that you need to see."

"Hyuuuung."

"If you get kidnapped you can blame it all on me."

He's exhausted as hell, and still barely awake, but Seokjin's voice is soft and familiar. The kind of voice he can't say no to. It takes him a moment to fumble for the lights, and he foregoes finding a jacket. He'll just see what Seokjin wants to show him, and then come back in. It'll just take a second.

It's probably the delivery guy. Seokjin has a weird habit of sending deliveries at odd times. There was a particularly awkward moment when he had a giant plushie sent to Jungkook when he was in the engineering block in his final year - something that Jungkook is still very sure that Seokjin did on purpose.

The phone is still pressed to his ear, and he slowly steps into his shoes and unlocks the door.

Shit, it's freezing.

He can still hear Seokjin through the phone, like he's talking to someone else. It's too far from the speaker for Jungkook to make out, and he's too sleepy to give it any real thought.

He leans over the corridor wall, and -

Jungkook blinks.

He tilts his head a bit, squinting.

He isn't sure what the heck this is but he is much too asleep for Seokjin to be pulling shit like this.

There's a taxi stopped right under Jungkook's building, the trunk open as someone seems to be unloading luggage from it. And standing next to it, rummaging through his wallet - is Kim Seokjin himself.

Jungkook stares harder.

Seokjin looks up, and spots him, giving him a grin that's far too wide. "Jungkook-ah!" he calls, and Jungkook's chest does a kind of flip. "Come on, come down!"

Seokjin is - here.

In Korea.

A week earlier than he said he'd be.

At Jungkook's house.

The person unloading the luggage looks up as well, and it's Yoongi. He seems exhausted, but he waves at Jungkook.

"Get a jacket!" he calls. "It's cold out here."

He says get a jacket like the cold was the only thing Jungkook wasn't prepared for.

Jungkook ignores the warning, stumbling down the stairs. He nearly trips, slipping on a stair, but it doesn't matter.

Seokjin is here.

It doesn't make sense to Jungkook yet, but -

It's the first time in a long time that he's felt like he could breathe.

When he makes it to the ground floor, still sort of unsteady on his feet, Seokjin is paying the cab driver and bowing in thanks as the man gets back into the cab. There's a ton of suitcases that they've pulled onto the sidewalk. Has he - come from the airport?

Jungkook doesn't say anything, just standing in shock, a little bewildered, his brain trying to keep up with all the shit that Seokjin is throwing at him.

And Yoongi. What is Yoongi doing here?

Seokjin spots him, and he holds out his arms easily for a hug. "Jungkookiiiie," he says. "Missed you."

Jungkook just stares at him some more. Finally, finally, he steps closer, letting Seokjin hug him. He holds at the back of Seokjin's t-shirt tentatively, fingers shaking a bit in confusion.

Seokjin is warm. He always is. Jungkook doesn't want to let go.

"You didn't tell me you were coming," he says.

"I did," Seokjin insists.

Jungkook pulls back to look at him, incredulous. "No?"

Yoongi's voice pipes up, over his shoulder, just as incredulous. "You didn't tell him you were coming? You told me he knew!"

"I swear I told him!" Seokjin says, fumbling for his phone. "Look."

He holds the screen up. It's Jungkook's messages, and sure enough - the last message sent is jungkookie heads up i'm crashing at your place for a few days.

Jungkook squints at it. He doesn't remember this at all.

And then he spots the timestamp.

"...you sent this one minute ago."

"But I did send it."

"Hyung," Jungkook says, at the same time Yoongi facepalms.

It really is cold. It's 4AM. And Seokjin is here, to stay at Jungkook's place for a few days. "I mean," Jungkook says. "You're welcome to stay, just - you said you were coming next week."

"I wanted to surprise you."

"What if I wasn't home?"

Seokjin gives him a look, like where else could you be.

"Yeah, okay," Jungkook relents.

"I told you to bring a jacket," Yoongi says, frowning.

"Didn't need one," Jungkook lies outright. He pats at one of the suitcases. "Do we need to carry all of this up?"

"Yes, yes," Seokjin says. "That's why I called you for help. Yoongi keeps yelling at me."

"I keep yelling?" Yoongi splutters. "Who helped you carry your stuff through the whole freaking airport - "

"You didn't even call for a taxi until I reminded you - "

"How was I supposed to know when you'd be out?"

"All that Jin hyung couldn't you have left your plushies behind - "

Jungkook picks up one of the bags, slinging it over his shoulder, and drags another suitcase behind him. The other two follow him, still bickering, because apparently Seokjin had wanted a cup of coffee and Yoongi lectured him about how airport food was overpriced and then once Seokjin gave in and decided he didn't want any Yoongi went behind his back and bought it for him anyway, and so on and so on and so on.

It's 4AM, and as confusing as it is - Jungkook feels pretty okay.

/

Seokjin is, for lack of better words - a terrifying roommate.

He doesn't say much, when he first settles in. Jungkook gives him space in the main room to pile up all of his luggage until he moves into his own apartment, and then they fold up Jungkook's bed and lean it on the wall of the bedroom so that they can spread blankets on the floor for them both. Once that's done, and Seokjin is done taking a shower, and Jungkook is done freaking out about the fact that Kim Seokjin is back in Seoul, they both fall flat on the blankets and fall asleep.

Seokjin doesn't say anything then, about the horrible condition of Jungkook's apartment. About the rattling windows and the bowls upturned over the corners of pipes to keep out cockroaches.

He doesn't say anything when Jungkook wakes up, around noon, and finds Seokjin sitting on the couch, staring absently at the newspapers and papers and pretty much everything that Jungkook had plastered to the wall to make them look less terrible.

He does say something when he opens Jungkook's refrigerator to make them both lunch, and finds what's left in there to be horribly insufficient.

"Come here," he says, grasping over the counter for a metal spoon.

"No," Jungkook says, staying well out of reach.

"Come here."

"You're going to hit me."

"Of course I'm going to hit you!" Seokjin says, waving the spoon at him threateningly. "You live like this?"

"You should see Namjoon hyung!" Jungkook says instantly, pointing in the direction of Namjoon's apartment, as if Seokjin can see it through the walls. "He's worse!"

Seokjin looks thrown enough to forget to murder Jungkook for a second. "What?"

"I cook for him!"

"With what?"

"With, uh, stuff that was in the fridge until today," Jungkook decides.

Seokjin considers it. "I can hit both of you," he decides, and then tries to chase Jungkook around the room. Jungkook escapes into the bedroom at the last minute, shutting the door to Seokjin's face.

It isn't Jungkook's fault, okay. He usually has the basics, at least. Rice, eggs, milk.

Seokjin just caught him at a bad time.

"I was going to take you shopping for clothes," Seokjin mourns from behind the door, miserable and overly dramatic. "For my wedding. I didn't think I'd have to take you grocery shopping."

"You don't have to take me grocery shopping."

"And do what instead, starve with you? I should have just stayed with Yoongi."

To be honest - as happy as Jungkook is that Seokjin is here, he has no idea why he hasn't roomed with Yoongi. Or Hoseok. Or Namjoon.

He's picked the one friend he knows the least, who lives in the shittiest apartment out of them all. Jungkook can't come up with a single reason as to why.

It can't be because of location. Jungkook's place isn't the closest to the airport, plus Yoongi had been willing to pick Seokjin up - it wasn't a far stretch from there to just take him to his own place. And even if Yoongi's place was too small or something (Jungkook has never seen where he lives before) there was Hoseok. Hoseok is - well off. His apartment is pretty big, and he has his own car. He's also Seokjin's oldest friend.

It doesn't make sense that Seokjin is here.

He wonders if maybe - he's here because Jungkook is lonely. It wouldn't be unlike his senior to do that. But if that's the case, while Jungkook is grateful - it also doesn't seem right.

It's the last few weeks before Seokjin is married. He should be spending them with his best friends, the people he went through the most important years of his life with.

Not with the weird kid he decided to adopt in his final year.

"Don't you have any sugar?" Seokjin shouts from what passes for the kitchen, his voice muffled by the door.

Jungkook cracks the door open, peeking out. "Of course I have sugar."

Seokjin is frowning to himself, rummaging through shelves and under the sink. "Where is it, then?"

"Under the couch maybe."

"...what is it doing there."

"I eat sugar when I'm stressed, okay?" Jungkook scowls, a bit offended by all the questions.

Seokjin sighs. "You poor child," he says, and doesn't elaborate at all.

/

It's odd, coming home to someone else already in the house.

Even though Namjoon lives almost next door, coming home from work was still a horribly lonely feeling. Jungkook never knew if Namjoon would be there, for one. He didn't know if Namjoon would want to see him, for another. Things have been a little awkward between them ever since Jungkook ducked out of his room that one day, and Namjoon can't seem to let it go.

They don't talk about it outright, which is maybe why they never manage to get past the awkwardness.

But coming home to see Seokjin in the house is - a vastly different feeling.

Seokjin doesn't do much, throughout the day. He spends most of his time hiding out in Jungkook's bedroom, looking up apartments that his future wife might like. He spends the other half of the time that Jungkook is at work going around Seoul, meeting up with friends he hasn't seen in too long.

But he always comes back home at the end of the day. He's always there when Jungkook makes it back home.

It's an odd feeling.

Sometimes they eat takeout. Sometimes Seokjin cooks. Sometimes he hits Jungkook on the head with whatever pan he finds nearby and demands that Jungkook watch him cook, so that he learns how to as well. Jungkook tries telling him that his lack of talent isn't for lack of trying, but Seokjin refuses to believe him.

When Namjoon is around, they call him over as well.

Knowing that Seokjin is going to be there - it makes it a little easier for Jungkook to walk up the stairs of his apartment. It feels more like going home, and less like just going somewhere to switch himself off until someone expects him to be out in public again.

Today, when he makes it up the stairs - he stops.

At the end of the corridor, kicking off his shoes, is Min Yoongi.

He doesn't spot Jungkook at first, trying to kick off both shoes without bending over to take them off. It isn't working, and he's frowning while he does it, as if the shoes have some kind of personal vendetta against him.

He's outside Namjoon's door, and he looks like he's come over from work. His coat is dark, face obscured by his hat. Again, Jungkook is surprised by just - how functional he looks, even while getting stuck in his own shoes.

Yoongi finally gives up and lifts his foot to untie the laces, and that's when he notices Jungkook.

His eyes widen in surprise, and then they narrow.

"What's with your work place," he says, dragging out the sentence in irritation. "Why are you getting home this late."

Jungkook shrugs. Maybe he had a work party. Maybe he went on a date with a co-worker. Yoongi doesn't know his life.

The problem is that Yoongi does.

"We start work late," Jungkook says. "When did you get here, hyung?"

"Just a while ago." Yoongi gets both of his shoes off at last. He adjusts his backpack over his shoulder, showing no intent to go inside Namjoon's room.

Jungkook stands at his own door, and it feels like they've lived in this little world before.

Standing just two doors apart.

It feels like forever ago, but it's a part of his life that's built into Jungkook's soul.

"You're coming, right?" Yoongi asks, almost expectant.

"Hm?"

Yoongi gestures vaguely to the door in front of him. "To Namjoon's. Hoseok will be there too. And Jin hyung, obviously."

Jungkook's immediate answer is no.

He doesn't want to hang out with the four of them together. It can only end in disaster. The four of them have been friends for - forever. They never fell out of contact. They share something special that Jungkook isn't a part of, and he doesn't want to intrude on that.

It's not the kind of situation he can deal with.

He's shaking his head before he's even aware of it. "I have stuff to do, hyung," he says. "Maybe I'll drop by a little later."

Yoongi looks disappointed. "Okay," he says.

He still doesn't make any move to go in, like he's waiting for Jungkook to leave first. Like he's wondering if he could convince him to come with him at the last possible moment.

Jungkook is coming up with a way to say good bye when Namjoon's door opens suddenly, and Seokjin peeks out.

"Ahh, Jungkook-ah!" he says brightly. "You're here! Come on, Hoseok is here too."

He looks happier than Jungkook has seen him in days. He's dressed kind of sloppy, like he'd expected to be lazing around in his room all day - which, Jungkook supposes, he still is doing.

Jungkook smiles, and shakes his head again.

"I'll come over later, hyung," he says.

"He says he's busy," Yoongi elaborates. He still looks a bit sulky.

Seokjin looks affronted. "Too busy for his favourite hyung?" he asks, and then to Jungkook's horror he's coming outside, stepping closer. "That's no fair. Everyone's here, you should come too."

Jungkook tenses, the closer Seokjin comes. "I - I'll be in the way," he says, unaware of what he's saying.

Seokjin looks surprised for a second, and then he looks sad, and then he just looks determined. He grabs Jungkook by the wrist, tugging him forward. "I don't know where you find this nonsense in your head," he says. "Come on. Everyone's been waiting for you."

He pulls Jungkook forward, and Jungkook panics.

He doesn't want to go in.

He doesn't want to.

He tugs at Seokjin's arm, but the grip doesn't loosen.

"I can't," he says, panicked. "I don't want to."

"Hyung," Yoongi's voice cuts in. "Hyung, let him be."

"I haven't seen you all together in years," Seokjin says, unaware that there's anything wrong at all. "Plus Hoseok's found a new restaurant to order from. You can't say no to free food."

There isn't much in Jungkook's head except -

He doesn't want to see them.

He doesn't want to sit through their inside jokes and easy familiarity and find out how nothing has been able to keep them from each other.

He just wants to be alone.

He tugs his arm out of Seokjin's grip with too much force, fuelled by fear and something dangerously close to anger.

Seokjin stares in shock, hand frozen. Jungkook is afraid it must have hurt.

"I said I didn't want to come," Jungkook says, voice unsteady. "You can't - I said I don't want to."

Seokjin lowers his hand slowly, eyes still wide. "You're right," he says, careful. "I'm sorry."

He sounds - a bit guilty, but a bit upset. And Jungkook gets it.

They haven't seen each other in years. Jungkook is supposed to go.

If it would make Seokjin happy, he has to go.

But he can't.

"It's fine," Yoongi says, voice steady over the silence. "Jungkook-ah, go get some rest. You can join us whenever you feel like it."

"Yeah," Seokjin says, still a bit dazed. "Yeah, sure."

Jungkook's breath is all over the place. He knows - he knows he's made a mistake. Seokjin is going to hate him. He can't do the bare minimum for his friend, when Seokjin has kept him company for so long, has made him food and played games with him and has made sure he isn't lonely - and, Jungkook won't go into a room with four people he's supposed to be friends with.

Jungkook is a piece of shit.

He fumbles with the lock of his door, wishing everything would stop.

His apartment looks emptier than ever.

/

It's Yoongi who comes by first.

Jungkook is curled up at the foot of his couch, staring blankly at the walls. He isn't aware of how much time has passed - if it's been too long, or if it's just been an hour. He only realizes he's been staring for too long when there's a knock on his door.

"Jungkook-ah?" Yoongi calls, voice muffled by the door. "I've brought you food."

Jungkook stares at his fingers, clenching them until his nails dig into his palms. He waits for it to hurt before he lets go again, staring at the creases in his skin.

"I'll leave it on the doorknob if you want," Yoongi says. "You can hear me, right?"

Jungkook says nothing.

"Jungkook-ah?"

He doesn't know what Yoongi is doing here.

The thing about Yoongi is - that he never seems to be affected, really, by Jungkook acting up. Or when he freaks out. He treats it as something that's normal, something that's to be expected.

Something that's - okay.

The fact that Jungkook refused to see four of the people who had once been his closest friends - it's just something that Yoongi expects from him at this point. He can take it in stride and forget it and turn up at Jungkook's door with food.

Jungkook presses his nails into his palms again, waiting for it to hurt once more. Then he lets go, tracing a finger over the pink crescents.

"Yah, Jungkook, can you hear me or not?"

Jungkook rolls off of the couch, sitting up. He pushes himself to his feet slowly, forgetting that he should probably announce to Yoongi that he can hear him.

He unlocks the door, pulling it open a crack.

Yoongi - doesn't look anything out of the ordinary. He doesn't seem angry. Or worried. He just looks like he's here to give Jungkook food.

He raises his eyebrows when Jungkook opens the door, as some kind of acknowledgement.

"Here," he says, holding out a plastic cover of food. "We bought some extra for you too."

Jungkook takes it. He feels numb. Underserving.

He feels like shit.

"Thanks, hyung," he says.

You should be throwing this in my face, he wants to say.

I don't deserve this.

He doesn't deserve food from people he just refused to meet up with.

"Heads up, though," Yoongi says. "It's spicy as hell."

"Oh."

Yoongi pauses for a second, shuffling his feet. He looks like he wants to say something more.

"Can I come in?" he asks at last.

Jungkook hesitates, and then he steps aside.

It's only the third time that Yoongi has been in his apartment. The first time was rushed, kind of horrifying - just Yoongi appearing out of nowhere and rushing through niceties, offering him a blender and then leaving before Jungkook could process his existence. The second time was when he dropped by with Seokjin, to help him from the airport. He didn't stay for long, he just made sure Seokjin was settled in and then disappeared almost instantly.

This is the first time he's here without being in a rush.

He doesn't sit at first, hands stuffed in his pockets as he stares at the walls. Jungkook sets the food on the counter, standing to the side awkwardly as Yoongi surveys the place.

The walls are plastered with too much. They look like - trash, to be honest. Covered with papers and newspapers and bits of cloth. In some places he's had to stick his old notes when he ran out of other paper.

Some of it looks okay. There are parts near the door that are plastered with Jungkook's own doodles, and paintings that are mundane enough that hanging them up doesn't feel like a disgusting display of the insides of his soul. But most of it is random - he's just covered the walls with anything he had to hide the peeling paint.

"The walls are cool," Yoongi says. "They make it obvious that it's you that lives here."

There's something odd in his voice, and - Jungkook can't tell if it's a compliment or not.

Yoongi turns to him, expression unreadable. "Eat," he says, nodding towards the bag. "I ate already."

He still doesn't seem intent on sitting down, and Jungkook opens the container with fumbling fingers.

He takes a seat on the couch, and finally - Yoongi joins him. He pulls his feet up under him, still staring blankly at the walls.

Jungkook isn't sure what he sees in them. If he sees anything in them at all.

"No one is mad at you, by the way," Yoongi says carefully.

Jungkook stops.

"In case you were worried. Everyone understands. Sometimes you don't feel like meeting people - that's fine."

And Jungkook wants to say - it's not fine.

It isn't okay to not be able to do the basics of human interaction that everyone else is capable of.

It isn't okay to have to limit his friends to the only people who can understand and deal with the fact that he's a freak.

Jungkook is lonely. He's messed up.

He wants to be better.

"It's not fine," he manages to say.

Yoongi frowns.

"I don't want to be like this," Jungkook says.

"Ah."

Yoongi is quiet for a long while.

"None of us do," he says at last. "None of us want to be the way we are. That doesn't mean it's not fine. It's just - not someone we want to be anymore."

Jungkook doesn't know what to say to that. He eats in silence instead.

They don't speak after that. Yoongi seems content to mind his own business, staring at Jungkook's walls and thinking of something that Jungkook is too afraid to ask about. Jungkook focuses on finishing his food, and then he sets the carton aside, tucking his arms into himself. The silence is comfortable. Jungkook doesn't want to ruin it.

The door opens again, and Seokjin peeks in.

"Awesome," he says. "Another friend decided to ditch me too."

His tone is complaining, but it's in a way that Jungkook knows he doesn't mean it. He sinks in between Yoongi and Jungkook on the couch, slinging an arm around Jungkook's shoulder.

Jungkook really doesn't deserve them.

They talk easily, about weird shit. Seokjin tells them about how the food was better than he expected, and how he'd lost a good bit of money to Namjoon for betting that Yoongi would drink all the alcohol before 10PM. He talks about all the things he has left to do before his wedding, and how freaking expensive jewelry is. He talks and talks, and he smells faintly of alcohol - but Jungkook doesn't mind.

It's a comfortable atmosphere. He doesn't participate much in the conversation, but he doesn't feel like an outsider.

It terrifies him as much as it comforts him, that he's getting attached to them both all over again.

Jungkook just makes the same mistakes, over and over and over.

/

When Yoongi finally leaves, citing that he needs to go back soon if he wants to have any chance at sleep at all - it's just Jungkook and Seokjin left on the couch.

It's a comfortable silence. Jungkook plays with his phone, scrolling through social media and hitting like on funny memes. Seokjin, for his part, seems to be spacing out. He's resting both arms over the backrest of the couch, staring straight ahead.

"Jungkook-ah," Seokjin starts, his voice slow, determined. It sets Jungkook on edge.

"Hyung?"

"There's something I need to tell you."

"Yeah?"

Seokjin shifts a bit, so he's facing Jungkook. Jungkook tries to face him as well, but he's always been shit at eye contact. He meets Seokjin's eyes for a second, for long enough to see the steely resolve in them.

He looks away again, to a point above Seokjin's shoulder.

"I like guys," Seokjin says, and - Jungkook stops.

For a second, he doesn't know what to think.

The expression on Seokjin's face isn't one of worry. Or shame. It's carefully closed off, like he's just stating a fact and is waiting for Jungkook's reaction.

What strikes Jungkook first is that - it seems right. It makes sense. He's never seen his senior interested in women, and the unsettled feeling he's had ever since Seokjin told him he was getting married - it suddenly makes sense.

Jungkook can't say he knew before, but he did have his suspicions. He has his suspicions of a lot of people. It's himself he can never figure out.

"Oh," he says, unsure of what else to say.

It makes sense.

What doesn't make sense is that he's marrying a woman.

"But - " Jungkook blinks. "You're getting married - ?"

"I told her about it," Seokjin says. "She doesn't want anything more than friendship, so she's cool with it. It's not like I can marry a guy, anyway. She's sweet. This is fine with me."

He says it a bit like - he's trying to convince himself.

Like if he sounds sure enough it'll end up being true.

"Hyung," Jungkook starts, hesitant. "Are you - okay?"

For a second, Seokjin's expression is frozen. And then slowly, slowly - it wilts.

Jungkook's heart wilts with it.

"I'm not," Seokjin admits. "I'm really not. I'm just - I know that if I say that out loud everyone will try to tell me I'm doing the wrong thing. And I don't think I'm doing the wrong thing - I'm just doing something that's really hard."

It's the first time that Jungkook has seen him so unsure of himself.

He doesn't know what to do.

He scoots forward a bit, resting his hand on Seokjin's knee, in some attempt at comfort. It seems to work a bit, and Seokjin places his own hand over Jungkook's.

They sit together in the silence.

"I think I can be happy," Seokjin admits. "If I give it time. I know that - I'll be happier this way, than if I throw everything aside for a man I might never meet."

It strikes Jungkook maybe harder than it should, hitting too many fears that he tries not to think about.

The fact that hoping for someone to turn up and love you is just that. A hope.

For Jungkook, it's barely even a hope. But for Seokjin - who deserves so much -

"You're a cool person, hyung," Jungkook says, and he means it with all his heart. "If - if you think you'll be happy enough like this - we'll help you. But - don't do it if you're afraid you won't find someone else. You're amazing. You're - the best person I know. You'll find someone."

Because - Jungkook honestly can't imagine Seokjin not finding someone who'd love him. He's incredible. He's beautiful.

He's one of the few reasons Jungkook has made it this far.

Seokjin looks at him, something odd in his eyes. Something that looks too much like hope. Too much like fear.

"Jungkook-ah," he says, voice careful and soft. "Would you - have you - "

He bites his lip, unsure of how to put what he wants into words. His fingers press into Jungkook's hand, and it's almost painful.

"Have you ever kissed someone?" Seokjin asks at last.

The question takes Jungkook by surprise.

He - hasn't. He doesn't think he's even wanted to. Jungkook has never been that close to someone before.

He hasn't been able to put it into words, but - Jungkook doesn't know if he's gay. He doesn't know if he's straight.

He doesn't think he's felt enough to figure himself out.

It's not like he doesn't find anyone attractive. He thinks Taehyung is the coolest person he's ever met. He thinks Yoongi is - beautiful. Heartbreakingly so. Jimin - honestly, when Jungkook was younger he used to think a lot about what it would be like if he got to marry Jimin.

It's been ages since he's spoken to him and he's still pretty sure he'd marry him in a heartbeat.

But - he doesn't know if that means he's in love. If he's ever been in love at all.

He doesn't know if love means that he wants to spend his whole life with someone. Or if it means that they understand each other. Or make each other better people.

A lot of the time - Jungkook wonders about what it means, and he ends up thinking of Yoongi.

Jungkook is - horribly attached to Yoongi. It's something that he can't hide. On a lot of days just the thought of Yoongi existing, no matter how far away, is the only thing that gets him out of bed.

That such a person exists.

That he can feel the sort of terrible things that Jungkook does, and still keep going.

That such a person could look at Jungkook and see someone who was worth his attention.

Whatever happens in Jungkook's life, when Yoongi holds his hand, and tells him that they'll be okay - Jungkook thinks they'll be okay. When he says they won't die, he believes him.

Yoongi makes him believe he'll make it out of this hell alive.

He wonders if that counts as love.

"I haven't," Jungkook mumbles, not meeting Seokjin's eyes. "I - have you?"

"Yeah," Seokjin says, but he sounds faraway. A little sad. "Not anyone I knew though."

His fingers press harder into Jungkook's hand, before he slowly slips his fingers between his. Seokjin's fingers are warm. Nothing like the ice cold of Yoongi's hands. They're warm, and safe, and -

Jungkook's heart rate picks up.

Seokjin's grip on his fingers is soft, gentle. Everything about him is so gentle. Jungkook watches him with wide eyes, as he places a hand on Jungkook's cheek.

There's something too sad in his eyes. It's too much.

It breaks Jungkook's heart.

He strokes Jungkook's cheek with his thumb, careful, soft. Jungkook can't meet his eyes, looking everywhere but at the distressing expression on his face. Seokjin leans closer, and Jungkook stops breathing entirely.

"Jungkookie," Seokjin asks, and he's too close. Too close. "Can I kiss you?"

Jungkook doesn't know what to say.

The seconds tick by, horribly quiet. Jungkook's heart shakes, everything shakes. He's - he thinks Seokjin is joking. He must be joking - there's no reason why he'd want to kiss Jungkook.

Seokjin is - he's amazing. He's incredible. He's everything Jungkook has dreamed of being. Confident, sure of himself - with a quiet sort of power that he carries around with him.

But now he doesn't look anything like that. He looks -

He looks like he doesn't know who he is.

"Hyung?" Jungkook tries, hesitant. He still can't bring himself to meet Seokjin's eyes.

Seokjin stills. "You don't want to?"

Jungkook - doesn't know what to say.

He doesn't know what's keeping him from saying no.

Because he should be saying no. Seokjin is getting married in a few weeks, he's never seen Jungkook as anyone but a younger sibling to take care of. And Jungkook - he hasn't seen Seokjin as more than someone he looks up to. Someone he trusts unconditionally.

He doesn't know why he isn't saying no.

But Seokjin is warm. And Jungkook is - lonely.

A little desperate.

He feels Seokjin's hand on his cheek, so gentle - and for a second, he can almost pretend that someone could love him some day.

That even Jungkook could be worth something.

It's like what Seokjin said, about waiting forever for someone he might never meet. Waiting for warmth that he can never have, because there's too much fucked up inside Jungkook's head.

"I - I want to," he says, the words caught in his throat.

Seokjin's eyes widen.

Jungkook's heart crashes in fear.

But then, Seokjin is leaning in. Jungkook shuts his eyes tightly, heart shaking too much. He can't breathe.

He doesn't know what he's doing.

His heart hurts. His eyes burn.

Seokjin's hand is soft on his cheek. So gentle. For a brief second, Jungkook lets himself imagine.

He lets himself dream of a life where he's met someone like Seokjin. Where someone could love him, and Jungkook could love them back. Where Jungkook meets someone who could care about him with their whole heart, who could love him at the lowest of his lows, who could - make up for all the darkness he seems to have lodged inside his chest.

He dreams of someone who could make Jungkook be - not himself.

Someone who could chase all the shadows away.

He lets himself pretend, for just a moment - that Seokjin is that person. That for a second, someone loves Jungkook more than he can imagine.

Seokjin lets go of his fingers to hold his face in both hands. He leans in, pressing their foreheads together. It's warm. Safe.

Terrifying.

Seokjin lets out a sigh.

"What the fuck am I doing," he whispers, into the space between them.

The illusion shatters.

This isn't someone who loves Jungkook - it's his friend. It's his friend, who knows what a shit person Jungkook is.

Who couldn't love him, because - he knows just how messed up Jungkook is already.

Jungkook's hands shake almost violently.

What the fuck are they doing.

Seokjin presses his forehead to Jungkook's shoulder, mumbling something under his breath. Jungkook can't make it out, but it sounds like regret. Like an apology.

To Jungkook, or to himself. Maybe to them both.

It's jarring, and in that second - Jungkook realizes how much he wants to be loved.

He realizes how alone he really is.

How much he wanted that moment where he let himself dream to be real.

He doesn't know when he starts crying, but he thinks Seokjin is too, face pressed into Jungkook's collarbone as he makes himself small. Jungkook holds him carefully, grip tight on the back of his t-shirt - but he can't stop crying.

Everything cuts far too deep.

/

Chapter Text

Jungkook has never been to Gwacheon before.

His family isn't big on travel. Jungkook was born in Busan, and lived in Busan for the entirety of his childhood. His family had visited Seoul just once, on vacation. And then he enrolled in university in Seoul and pretty much never went off campus, so the world as far as Jungkook has seen is pretty damned small.

His parents had actually expected him to move back to Busan, once he had his degree. Jungkook even considered it. Living with his parents again seemed safe, and easy, but in a way - Jungkook was scared to. It felt too much like giving up.

It felt like if he returned to Busan again he'd just be back where he started, following whatever he was expected to do because his voice was too quiet to speak against it. Maybe Seoul was lonely as hell, but at least here - he was himself. Whatever that was.

Plus, Jungkook didn't even get a job back in Busan. When his father pressured him, he applied to a bunch of companies that looked not-picky enough to hire him - but they took one look at his grades, at his sad excuse for a resume, and sent him polite rejection emails that didn't even bother getting his name right. Like - 'whoever you are, we don't want you. Doesn't matter what your name is.'

The only reason he did get a job in Seoul was because of Seokjin's connections.

Gwacheon is beautiful, but in a distinctly different way from Seoul. Jungkook keeps his face pressed to the car window, drifting in and out of sleep. It isn't a long ride here, but the traffic is shit, and it's way too early in the morning to be expected to be awake at all.

Taehyung looks over at him, from his position behind the steering wheel. "It's almost lunch time," he deadpans. "What are you still sleepy for."

"It's barely time for breakfast," Jungkook mumbles, rubbing at his eyes.

He still isn't over how weird it is seeing his best friend drive a car. Taehyung doesn't have his own car - he's borrowed it from a friend at work. He has on sunglasses and rolled the window down to rest his elbow on as he drives. He looks so casual, and altogether too comfortable for someone who has barely driven anywhere since he got his driver's license.

The radio is on, telling them something about how clear the skies are going to be today. It's sunny outside. It's like the universe is conspiring to make sure that Seokjin has a rain-free wedding.

Jungkook traces symbols on the car window, still a bit awed by the world outside. It bothers him how Gwacheon can look so similar to Seoul, and yet be so different at the same time. He watches people going by, just living their days as usual. This is their world, this is where they've been forever.

Jungkook is jealous, sometimes, of people who've lived back in Seoul their whole lives. He wants to be a part of the city, but he can never call it his. He knows it isn't his.

He can't call Busan his either.

"Okay," Taehyung says, conversationally. "I don't know the way from here."

Jungkook looks up, frowning. "You said you knew the way."

"I meant I had a better idea than you did," Taehyung says. "At least I knew to go in the right direction."

Which is true, so Jungkook can't even argue. He reaches forward and pats around the dashboard for his phone. He'll just have to check the location of the hotel that Yoongi sent to them.

He opens up the maps app, but he's shit at reading maps too, so he just blinks at it for a while.

"We aren't far," he figures out at last.

"Do I take the next cutting?"

"Uhhhh - yes."

Taehyung gives him a suspicious look.

"Really!" Jungkook says, holding his phone out as proof.

"Okay," Taehyung says, still dubious. "If we end up somewhere else I'll tell hyung you made us both late."

"How are we late," Jungkook says, scrunching his nose up. "The dinner is only in the evening."

"Jungkookie. That's how much I trust your directions."

"I have a map, okay?"

It takes them a while longer than it should, but they do finally end up at the hotel. They take a couple of wrong turns that Jungkook blames entirely on his internet connection - it's not his fault that his location hadn't been updated on the map. Okay maybe he should have noticed that it hadn't moved for a good five minutes and that he'd been telling Taehyung to take the same left over and over - but still. His internet connection. Surely that was the biggest problem.

Finally, finally, they find the hotel. A couple of scary looking security guards stop them at the gate to figure out who they are, and Taehyung stalls the car to show them proof that they should be let in. Jungkook sits a little taller in his seat, trying his best to look like he's here because his friend is going to get married and less like a random kid who's trying to steal some free food.

Taehyung plays the part of an adult easier, sliding his sunglasses down as he talks to the man at security. He holds the steering wheel with only one hand. The way he holds himself, Taehyung could pass for a CEO. Not someone who's spent half their life dissecting flowers and now dissects them in front of kids while occasionally reminding them that dissecting tools shouldn't be used to stab each other.

Not someone who, once they're cleared and the gate opens up for them to enter, drives safely inside the parking lot and starts giggling.

"Can you believe it?" he says, his face too bright. "We have friends who're getting married."

"…why is that funny, hyung."

"We're old."

"No, Jin hyung is old."

"He's older," Taehyung corrects. "But we're pretty old too. Shit, we're adults."

"Yeah."

They have a moment like this pretty much once a day. When they're out buying groceries, or when they're thinking about rent, or when they're walking back home from work and think oh, I don't know if there's any milk left at home - there's always a moment of shit, we're adults.

/

They find Hoseok in the lobby.

He looks tired, and frenzied, the way he did back when he'd have to stay back at the dance studio late to train his juniors with a deadline in mind. He's on the phone when he spots them, but he waves them over, trying to smile at them through his obvious frustration with whoever is on the phone.

The hotel is beautiful. Jungkook knew that Seokjin had money, but it has never really sunk in just how well off he was. While his own apartment was decent, it wasn't anything extravagant, but this - Jungkook's family would never be able to afford a hotel like this, for so many people.

And it is a lot of people. Most of Seokjin's friends have been given rooms here, as well as his future wife - Yesol's. Some of their family, who don't live in Gwacheon, are supposed to be here as well.

Jungkook looks around the lobby, at the fancy armchairs and polished floors, and he feels a kind of inferiority to Seokjin that he isn't used to feeling, that he never felt until the day that Seokjin leaned in to ask him if he wanted to kiss.

It's something Jungkook tries not to think about.

Hoseok, on the other hand, seems to fit in in the most absurd way. He's wearing shorts and a worn out t-shirt as he talks on the phone, definitely not dressed for the situation, but even around the hotel staff dressed in prim suits - he doesn't look out of place. He looks like he belongs here so much that he just walks around in whatever he wants.

Taehyung seems to fit right in as well, even if he's been staring at the ceiling fan for a good two minutes now. Jungkook should probably wonder why he's doing that.

Finally, Hoseok thanks whoever is on the phone and hangs up.

"These idiots," Hoseok tells them. "I told them that we needed the floral arrangements to be up before 3PM at least. And now they're telling me that the dinner is only at six. Like I didn't know that? Like I didn't want them three hours early anyway?"

Jungkook makes a sympathetic face.

"But anyway," Hoseok says, patting Jungkook on the shoulder multiple times. "It's good to see you both. Jin hyung expected you here yesterday, actually."

"I could only get one day off work," Taehyung says, apologetic.

Jungkook doesn't say anything, because his excuse is also that Taehyung could only get one day off work.

"Ahh," Hoseok says. "Good that you're here now, though." He pats Jungkook on the shoulder again, like he isn't aware that he's doing it. "Your room's already open, by the way - I picked Jiminie up a while ago. He'll probably be inside, so he'll let you in."

"Thanks, hyung," Taehyung says.

Hoseok pats Jungkook on the back, a little distracted, as if trying to push him to get going. "You guys go up," he says. "Room - uhh, 617. I'll drop by in a while."

"Okay," Jungkook says.

They step into the elevator.

"617," Taehyung mutters. "Is that sixth floor or seventh floor?"

Jungkook shrugs.

"Damn," Taehyung says. "Well, we'll find out."

It turns up being on the sixth floor.

It's - so weird, stepping out, and looking at the long rows of rooms around them. The place is so quiet, potted plants in some places along the corridor, and the kind of paintings on the walls that look like shit but also look expensive, because for some reason rich people seem to have terrible taste in art. Jungkook sometimes wonders if when places like this get furnished they just say give me your most expensive paintings, and the artists seize the moment to throw the stuff that no one else wants at them. And the poor rich souls don't know enough to understand that the paintings are ugly because - well. They're expensive. Surely they must be nice.

Finally, after a couple of wrong turns, in the deathly silent corridors where the scuff of Jungkook's shoes are too loud against the carpet - they find room 617.

Taehyung knocks first. "Jimin-ah?"

"Ahhhhh, you're here!" Jimin's voice calls from inside.

It's been so long since Jungkook has even heard his voice.

The door opens, and Jimin stands in the doorway, grinning. He looks - honestly, he looks incredible. After he graduated Jimin had got more and more comfortable in his own skin. There's a line of delicate tattoos down his arm, that Jungkook had only seen in his instagram photos, and a dangly earring in one ear. There are hints of makeup on his face, and even in his ratty t-shirt and jeans - Jimin looks pretty.

He throws himself at Taehyung the moment the door opens. Taehyung steps back with the force with a quiet oof, but he's grinning too, as he hugs back.

Jungkook watches them with a smile of his own.

What he doesn't expect is for Jimin to let go of Taehyung and then throw himself at Jungkook as well.

Jungkook holds him in shock, with a little pang in his heart - the kind that reminds him that there's a hole inside that he's been trying not to think about.

Jimin lets go of him too soon.

/

The thing about Jimin is - no matter how long it's been since Jungkook has seen him, meeting him again always feels like coming home.

They're probably getting late - it's past 4PM, and they should be at the venue at least by five if they don't want to be rude - but none of them feel like actually getting ready.

Taehyung is on the floor, cross legged, string held between his teeth as he carefully sews sparkly beads into his tie. Jungkook has no idea why he's doing it, and why he's doing it now of all times - but Taehyung deems it necessary for the sake of fashion so Jungkook assumes he must be right.

Jimin is spread out on the bed, flat on his front, leaning over the edge to watch what Taehyung is doing. Every now and then he picks up a bead from the pile Taehyung has made and hands it to him. Taehyung takes it without a word and stitches it in.

Jungkook is lying next to Jimin, propped up on his elbows, also watching Taehyung - but he amuses himself more by pulling the string out of Taehyung's teeth and ducking out of view when Taehyung tries to stab him with the needle.

It's been - so long since they've all seen each other.

They don't talk much about their lives. It's something that they've never consciously decided to do, but none of them ask much about each other's jobs, or their days, or who they've been wanting to kill recently. Their conversations are so full with the kind of small talk that shouldn't matter, but has always been what has kept them together.

They talk about how rich Seokjin must be, how scary the guys at security looked. How the wedding tomorrow is at an absurd hour of morning and they're all going to oversleep and then Seokjin will kill them. They talk about getting matching tattoos of their favourite pokemon so that their grandchildren will look at them and have no clue what they are and assume that their grandparents just had some freaking weird animals around when they were alive.

They don't talk about their lives, but somehow - it's the most at home that Jungkook has felt in a long time. With two people who found him at his worst, who stuck by him for so long. Who made up most of the only good parts of his life.

"Okay," Jimin says, rolling over onto his back, and then pushing himself up. "Time's up. We'd better get dressed."

"Nooo," Jungkook complains. "Do we have to go?"

Jimin smacks him on the head.

Jungkook sulks, pressing his face into the bed. "Fiiine."

It isn't his first time wearing a suit - but it is his first time having to wear one to meet his friends, and Jungkook feels awkward as hell. He dresses slowly, trying his best not to crease the fabric. The suit fits him well. Taehyung had made him try on way too many before they bought this one - a dark, dark grey, leaning towards black. Jimin's suit is pure white, and Taehyung's is a light brown, and they both look - so much better than he does.

He tucks his shirt into his pants, the nerves finally starting to sink in. He feels a little foolish, like he's dressing up and trying to fit somewhere he doesn't belong. He fumbles with his tie until Jimin spots him and ties it for him easily.

"Want me to do your makeup?" Jimin asks.

Jungkook blinks. "Oh. Thanks, hyung."

It's not something that Jimin hasn't done before. He used to take Jungkook out to a ton of places, during Jungkook's final year, when Jimin had first seen Seoul to its fullest and wanted Jungkook to see it too. He took him out to movies, to parties, to odd events that Jungkook had never even heard of before. He'd take him to dances where Jungkook wouldn't dance, to bars where Jungkook wouldn't drink. The best part of those days, for Jungkook, was always when Jimin would come over before it to help him get ready, and do his makeup. Those few moments of closeness with his best friend, before they lost it all to bright lights and loud music - those are some of his fondest memories.

Jimin pushes Jungkook down to sit on the bed, pulling up a chair to sit in front of him. He starts with the foundation on Jungkook's face, rubbing it into his skin in smooth, careful circles.

Taehyung stares at them for a second, his expression unreadable. Then he goes back to fixing his own tie.

Jimin leans in closer, tilting Jungkook's face in every way, and Jungkook lets him because he's used to this. And then he makes the mistake of looking at Jimin's eyes, so close to his, and all over again he thinks of Seokjin.

The shame hits him again like it's still the moment itself.

"Your skin is getting really bad," Jimin says, almost to himself. "Are you not taking care of it, Kook-ah?"

Jungkook's hand goes up instantly to check, to find out what it is about his skin that has gotten so bad. Jimin pushes his hand back down quickly.

Jungkook wonders what he must have looked like that day, to Seokjin. A kid with his skin breaking out and his lips bruised from peeling them all the time, not a single attractive feature about him as he leaned in and said I want to.

The curl of shame is heavy inside of him.

Jimin picks up his box of makeup, rummaging through it. "What do you want me to do?" he asks, offhandedly. "How do you want to look?"

Jungkook thinks about it.

Sometimes, on Jungkook's worse days - he'd ask Jimin to make him look invisible. Like someone who'd blend in with the crowd. Sometimes he'd ask him to make him look like a metalhead. Every day he'd ask for something different, every day he'd pretend to be someone new, and Jimin would do it - he'd let him pretend for a brief moment that he was someone else.

But now, staring up at Jimin's face, the horror of what Jungkook had done those weeks ago still a mess inside of him, there's only one thought in his mind.

"I want to look nice," he says, voice barely there.

Jimin looks thrown. "You look nice already," he says. "I'm just here for extra effects."

Jungkook shakes his head, because it isn't true. He still feels awkward, in his suit, even though it fits him perfectly. He's just - not built for this. The way everyone else is. Jungkook isn't a face that could be looked at and loved.

"I mean like - actually nice," he says. "Like - like you."

Jimin frowns. And then he starts digging in his makeup box with new vigour, mumbling to himself.

"I'll make you look so incredibly like you," he says fiercely, eyes determined. "Just you wait."

He fumbles around, picking colours, and then sets the box back down, tilting Jungkook's face up to start. Taehyung is watching them again with that unreadable expression as he brushes his hair.

So incredibly like you.

Jungkook doesn't know what that means, but under Jimin's hands - he feels like whatever it is might not be so bad.

/

They end up at the dinner on time.

They're ahead of time enough that Seokjin himself isn't there yet. Hoseok is, though, still looking somewhat harried and frenzied as he orders people around and talks on the phone. He's dressed better now, in a crisp suit. He smiles at them when he sees them, gesturing them over, and the three of them end up helping him move tables and arrange table decorations and trying to convince him that no, Yesol isn't going to refuse to marry Seokjin just because the flowers aren't in the smack center of the table, everything is alright, Hoseok is doing great.

Eventually even Hoseok runs out of things to worry about. The food is brought, the chairs are all arranged, and there isn't a speck of dust on the floor.

It's then that Yoongi comes in.

He - isn't in a suit. He looks just about as stressed as Hoseok does, and jarringly out of place in his hoodie, hair sticking out in every direction as he rushes towards something with his laptop stuffed under his arm and headphones around his neck.

Hoseok pretty much has a heart attack.

"Yoongi," he says. "Why aren't you dressed!?"

"Just a second," Yoongi says, still distracted. "Need a minute." He spots Jungkook then, eyes widening for a second. "Hi, Jungkook-ah."

Jungkook barely has time to raise his hand in acknowledgement before Yoongi is running off again towards the sound systems.

"Wow," Taehyung says, a bit amused, a bit miffed. "I feel loved."

"What is he doing," Hoseok whines, like he might cry. "I'm going to kill him."

Yoongi is saying something in rapid words to the man at the sound systems, holding up his laptop. The man looks confused, but then recognition seems to dawn, and he nods, and makes some space for Yoongi at the table to set his laptop down. Yoongi scrolls through something, still hurried and stressed, mumbling something sheepishly to the man as he does. The man laughs, shaking his head.

Finally, he tilts the screen towards the man, showing him something. The man nods, shakes his head, nods, shakes his head. And then Yoongi transfers a bunch of files to a pendrive and hands it to him, bowing profusely.

Only then does he join them all.

"You're all here," Yoongi says, in surprise, staring at Taehyung and Jimin, like he genuinely hadn't seen them when he rushed past.

"Thanks for noticing, hyung," Taehyung says, voice dry.

Jimin holds his hand out, and Yoongi takes it, shaking it firmly. There's something so funny to Jungkook about watching his friends shake hands, like they're adults, that Jungkook thinks he is probably too old to be feeling,

"Good to see you again, hyung," Jimin says.

"You too, Jimin-ah."

"Yeah, okay, you're all happy to see each other," Hoseok says, scowling. He smacks Yoongi in the back with his phone. "Now get out and get dressed, Seokjin will be here in ten minutes."

"He isn't going to die if I'm not dressed."

"No, but I will."

"You realize that no one even knows we're his friends, right - ?"

"Go!"

Yoongi finally leaves, mumbling to himself darkly.

"Should go and find out what he did to that poor DJ," Hoseok says, and disappears as well.

It's just the three of them left again - Jungkook, Taehyung, and Jimin, and they have fun on their own. They go around eying all the dishes in the buffet, once again surprised by how much money Seokjin has. They watch people enter, and bet on who's who, and the bets never get anywhere because they don't have anyone around to tell them if they're right or not.

And then Seokjin arrives, looking more handsome than Jungkook has ever seen. He's staring at him in awe, which he thinks he should be embarassed about, but it's infinitely less embarrassing than Taehyung outright breaking into applause.

"Nothing has happened yet," Jimin says, elbowing Taehyung in the ribs, but he looks like he's about to applaud too.

Seokjin rolls his eyes at them, but he looks pretty proud of himself. He waves at them before running off to meet some old people, who they'd all placed bets to say seemed pretty important.

It's an odd feeling, because they all want to run up to him and make fun of him, and just - be excited. But they have to hold it all in to not embarrass him in front of Yesol's family. Or in front of his own. They honestly know nothing about Seokjin's family.

It's so weird.

Jungkook is watching him, with a mix of anxiety and fondness and nostalgia, when the music from the speakers starts to sound familiar.

It's Yoongi's music.

It's a newer track of his, one of the pieces he'd written in Iceland. It's hopeful and mellow and pleasant enough background music for the situation - the sort of music that Yoongi had thought he'd never be able to write.

And then it evolves into something he's never heard before, something that Yoongi has probably written specifically for Seokjin. It's beautiful, gentle, a little bit vulnerable - like a quiet hope that they'll find happiness.

Seokjin seems to notice something odd too. He's all the way across the room, but he waves to Jungkook to get his attention, pointing at the DJ.

Yoongi? He mouths incredulously.

Jungkook nods.

Yahhh, he mouths, a bit taken aback, a bit touched. He looks startled and like he's feeling something intense, but unsure of what it is.

Yoongi takes that moment to enter.

He's dressed completely in black, fiddling with the cuff of his suit as he steps inside, eyes darting around for faces he recognizes.

He's - so beautiful that Jungkook's heart stops a bit.

It feels like his first time seeing Yoongi in the real world.

He's seen Yoongi on stage before, under vivid lights and thundering music. He's seen him in the multicoloured strobe lights of Hoseok's parties, under the ugly yellow of street lights. He's seen Yoongi in the dark of their rooms, with the pale blue illumination of their screens, as they spent too much time awake trying to mean something to the world.

But here, in the bright lights and mellow music, Jungkook sees him and - he feels like he's finally seeing who he could be.

"He looks cool," Taehyung says, also staring at Yoongi, which seems a gross understatement for what Yoongi looks like.

He doesn't look cool. He looks like the entirety of all the shadows in the world and all the lights that cause them.

Yoongi finally spots him, and he grins, all of his gums showing. Jungkook's heart stops again.

/

For someone who calls himself Seokjin's best friend, Yoongi doesn't spend a lot of time with Seokjin.

He ends up with Jungkook, Jimin, and Taehyung instead, watching them make fools of themselves and judging them for it very loudly. He isn't drinking, but he's found himself a cup of water that he can hold and pretend he's drinking, which for some reason seems to give him more energy to judge them.

Taehyung is trying to blend in with the security team now, pulling on his sunglasses and standing importantly with his arms crossed, and he's like two minutes away from getting thrown out and Jungkook can only hope they don't get thrown out with him.

Namjoon joins them pretty late, rushing in with apologies - apparently he'd got held back at the lab at the last minute for an emergency situation. Yoongi tried poking fun at him, asking him what sort of emergency could be more important than Kim Seokjin, and Namjoon easily confesses that the lab nearly exploded so they all decide to shut up.

Jungkook ran out of energy a while ago, and he's hunched over a table, staring at the people around them. Hoseok is still running around, talking to people - of them all, he's the only person who actually knows Seokjin's family, probably a result of living with him for three years. Seokjin is with Yesol, smiling to people, laughing, and being overall charming.

Jungkook probably shouldn't be watching him this much.

Things have been a little awkward between them, ever since that one day that they nearly kissed. They'd brushed over it as quickly as they could, attributing it to Seokjin being drunk and Jungkook being sleep deprived, and they laughed uncomfortably about it and never spoke about it again.

Jungkook would be lying if he said he doesn't think about it every single day.

It still amazes him, just how much he lost himself in that moment. How much he was willing to ruin, for that one moment of an illusion.

How much it still hurts that it would never be more than an illusion.

Seokjin looks up abruptly, spotting Jungkook's eyes on him.

Jungkook tenses.

And then Seokjin gestures him over, with one crooked finger.

Jungkook blanches. He looks behind him, just to make sure there's no one else there, and Seokjin looks a bit fed up with him. He points at Jungkook, with intense fervour, and then points at the spot by his side, as if to say get here.

He was acting all sweet and nice to everyone around him and then he turns to Jungkook and calls him over with zero respect. Figures.

Jungkook gets up to join him.

"Where are you going?" Yoongi asks, looking up from where he's talking to Namjoon.

"Seokjin hyung called me," Jungkook says.

Yoongi frowns, suspicious, but nods.

Jungkook wanders over to Seokjin, a little lost. He's only across the room but it feels like he's crossing an ocean. There's so many people here. So many faces that he doesn't recognize.

When he reaches Seokjin, the older man grabs him by the wrist and drags him to stand by his side. "This is Jungkookie," he says, to Yesol. "You haven't met him yet."

"Ah, Jungkook," Yesol says, smiling. She's beautiful. Maybe as beautiful as Seokjin. Jungkook feels so out of place next to them.

Out of nowhere, he wonders if they'll have kids. Seokjin mentioned nothing about it, and it was too personal a question to ask.

"He's the youngest, right?" Yesol asks, holding out a hand for Jungkook to take. He shakes it awkwardly.

"Yeah," Seokjin says. He talks to her with easy familiarity, even as he holds Jungkook's hand in his. "He was in his first year when I was in my last."

"Ahhh," she smiles. "I've heard a lot about you. I'll look forward to getting to know you better."

Jungkook likes her already, even if he's a little scared of how pretty she is.

"Come on," Seokjin says, tugging Jungkook away. "Need to introduce you to my brother."

"What," Jungkook says, a little frantic.

"He knows my other friends," Seokjin explains. "He hasn't met you yet."

Seokjin's brother, it turns out is - even easier to talk to than Seokjin himself. He pats Jungkook on the shoulder a few times, cracks a few jokes, and tells Jungkook to drop by whenever he's near the area in a way that seems actually genuine. Seokjin makes fun of the guy for a bit, for no good reason, and then he's dragging Jungkook away again, this time to get a glass of water.

"I'm bored as hell," Seokjin admits, once they're out of earshot of anyone who might take that personally. "Please get me out of here."

Jungkook snorts. "I can't help you, hyung," he says. "Also Hoseok hyung will cry."

"That poor kid," Seokjin agrees. "He drove himself crazy these past two days. Where is he, anyway?"

"I have no idea."

"Huh," Seokjin says. He swishes the water around in his cup, staring off at the crowd. "Do you like the food?"

It's like he's trying hard to make conversation.

"I haven't eaten anything yet," Jungkook admits.

"Me neither, me neither," Seokjin says, a bit distracted.

"Hyung," Jungkook asks, cautiously. "Are you - are you okay?"

In a second his expression freezes again, and it's like Jungkook is back in that horrible moment, all those days ago - frozen on the couch, clinging to each other, in the dawning horror that neither of them would find love.

The ugliness in his chest starts to rise again.

"No," Seokjin admits. "I'm not."

"It's - it's still not too late," Jungkook reminds him. He feels like an asshole for suggesting it, but - it isn't too late to back out.

"No, no," Seokjin says. "I know I want to go through with it. I'm just afraid anyway. I didn't realize how many people there would be that I could slip up in front of."

"But everyone loves you."

Seokjin shakes his head. "Everyone loves the weird heterosexual person I'm pretending to be who they seem to believe will give them a hundred kids."

"Ah."

It does answer the question about children.

It's a terrifying situation, to be surrounded by so many people who would throw you away in a second just because of who you are. The enormity of it hasn't sunk into Jungkook till now - that every day he walks past people who could kill him just for being alive. That, as if there weren't enough things wrong with him - this was just something else people could add to the list.

Sometimes Jungkook wonders if he's gay and just hasn't let himself realize it yet out of fear alone. There's just - too much for him to deal with to stay alive each day, without having to wonder if he's going to die alone for more reasons than one.

He catches Yoongi looking at them with an unreadable expression, and Jungkook turns away quickly.

Seokjin sets down his glass with an odd sense of determination. "You know what you do when you're scared?"

Jungkook blinks. "Run away?"

"…no. You pretend you're too cool for it all."

Jungkook squints at him. "What does that even mean."

"It means," Seokjin says, grabbing one of his wrists again to pull him closer. He's always been a touchy person, but never much in public - this is odd even for him. But it's almost his wedding day, and he seems a little terrified, so Jungkook doesn't mention it.

"It means that you look at all of these people and call them all commoners."

"But we're commoners too."

"Shush," Seokjin says. "You're ruining my plans."

"I don't even get your plans."

"The way you get through day to day," Seokjin explains, as if to a child, "is to pretend that you're a king. And these are all commoners. You just walk by them without a care in the world. Yeah, maybe I'm gay, but at least I have sunglasses in my pocket. You get me?"

Jungkook sort of does, but also - "What sort of king has sunglasses in his pocket?"

Seokjin smacks him on the head.

Jungkook rubs it, sulking. He's all dressed up and finally looking important and he still gets hit on the head.

"You should try it," Seokjin says. "You have a hard time in crowds, right? Walk a little taller, keep your head up high. Pretend you're famous and these people mean nothing. It honestly helps. That's how I got by in Japan with my sad excuse for Japanese."

Jungkook tilts his head, considering.

He looks around the room, at all the important people, and tries thinking of himself as royalty. It's hard, but it's kind of hilarious, which is maybe Seokjin's whole point.

"Commoner," Jungkook mumbles, looking at all the important looking men who'd probably chop the head off of anyone who called themselves gay. "Commoner, commoner, commoner."

"That's the spirit," Seokjin says.

Yoongi is looking at them weirdly again, so Jungkook points at him. "Commoner," he says.

Seokjin cracks up. Yoongi looks appalled, even though he has no clue what Jungkook just said from that far away.

"I should've been a king," Seokjin says, redoing the first button on his suit coat. "I would have made a good one."

He pats Jungkook on the head, and then he's off again, bowing to people, laughing at their jokes, smiling and shaking their hands as if he's loved them his whole life, as if he doesn't know that if any of them knew who he really was, they'd try to throw him out of the family.

It's the kind of bravery that Jungkook can't understand. The ability to stand so tall when to everyone else it looks like he's cowering.

It's a kind of strength he can only hope to have.

/

After dinner, Yoongi ends up tugging him out of the crowd.

At first Jimin looks a bit offended by it.

"You guys keep stealing him!" he complains, glaring at Yoongi. Apparently not seeing each other for so long isn't enough to clear up whatever absurd animosity they had between each other.

"Yah," Yoongi scowls. "I haven't even been around him in two years. You're picking fights with me?"

"Fight! Fight!" Taehyung calls, from where he's arranging fruit onto his plate. It's clear that he has no idea what they're even talking about.

Jungkook does end up following Yoongi out to the balcony. It's quieter out here, but not too far away. The music from inside still drifts out, with hints of laughter and the clinking of cutlery. But it's easier to breathe. Easier to just - exist.

The venue is only on the second floor, so they aren't that high up. Even then, he's hit by the same fascination he always gets whenever he's high off the ground.

He leans over the railing, looking down, and realizes he could jump.

It's a thought that comes and goes, too often in Jungkook's head. It doesn't even worry him anymore, it's just a normal part of the day for him. He's more worried when he's stuck in places that he can't jump from.

Sometimes, he thinks of escape routes before he even enters a room. If he could tip over and hit his head hard enough, if he could lean too far in his chair and fall off. If he could step into traffic, if he could jump into the river. If he could escape.

Jungkook hates situations that don't have an escape.

Yoongi hooks a finger in the back of Jungkook's collar, pulling him a few inches away from how far he's leaning down. "No," he says, flatly, and Jungkook wonders how he's so easy to read.

"You're the one who keeps bringing me to high up places," Jungkook mumbles.

"I brought you here because it's quiet, not because it's high up."

Jungkook mumbles something unintelligible, just to make it sound like he has an argument.

Yoongi sighs.

There are already some people leaving, and Jungkook can see them from up here, getting into their cars and taxis as they leave. He spots groups of friends, and couples, and old men who look like they've come alone.

They're all starting to leave, one by one. Soon, Jungkook will have to leave too, to get whatever sleep he can. And then tomorrow, Seokjin will be married.

"Your eyes are so big," Yoongi says, a bit awed, like he isn't even aware that he's saying it.

Jungkook smiles, a bit sheepish. It's something he hears a lot, from his friends especially - and the eyeliner that Jimin put on him today makes them look even bigger than usual. It's not something he's self conscious about, but it's always awkward to hear it out loud, so he ends up absently brushing his carefully parted hair back into his face.

"No, no," Yoongi says, reaching over to push it aside again. "That's not what I meant."

He swipes his thumb over the skin under Jungkook's eye absently, staring at the eyeliner. He doesn't explain what he does mean.

Jungkook thinks again about what Jimin said, about making him look like himself.

He still doesn't know what that means.

He turns back to look down, and spots a familiar figure.

It's Seokjin. He's walking a couple to their car, smiling the whole way, bowing as they leave. He's such a good host. He's such a good person, and it sucks that he has to be that for so many people for no good reason.

"Seokjin hyung is here," he points out.

Yoongi is watching him as well. He waits until the couple gets into the car and drives away, and Seokjin is starting back inside, rebuttoning his suit again.

"Do you want to annoy him?" Yoongi asks.

Annoying Seokjin is something Jungkook is always ready for, so he agrees instantly.

"Yah, Kim Seokjin!" Yoongi shouts, cupping his hands around his mouth.

Seokjin startles, looking up. There are some other stragglers that look up as well, confused as to who's screaming in the middle of what seems like such a lovely meeting of lovely people.

Seokjin spots them instantly, and his expression changes like he's already given in to whatever shit they're planning.

"Kim Seokjin!" Jungkook calls down as well, because he can't help it.

The place has been too stuffy today, for Seokjin. Too unlike all of them, adults or not.

Maybe they grew up, but that didn't mean they had to stop being real people.

"Yah!" Seokjin calls, indignant. "I'm older than you, show some respect."

"You'd better treat your wife well!" Yoongi shouts instead.

"Yeah!" Jungkook continues. "We're watching you, man!"

"Oh my god," Seokjin says, looking away like he hopes it'll make them disappear. The people around him look a little amused, a little embarassed. "You assholes aren't even drunk."

"Oh, yeah?" Yoongi shouts, waving an empty bottle in the air that he found on the ground. "Then explain this!"

"That's water," Jungkook tells him, because he always misses the plot a little bit.

"Jungkook, shush," Yoongi says, pushing his face away with a hand as if that'll shut him up. "Keep with it."

"Oh," Jungkook realizes. "We're very drunk!" he calls down, obligingly.

"Okay, cool," Seokjin deadpans. "Please don't come to the wedding tomorrow, goodbye."

"Nooooooo," Jungkook yells dramatically, falling to his knees, and then to the ground, until he's lying on his back and realizing that Seokjin can't see his show of misery at all.

Yoongi cracks up, and he slumps down as well, leaning against the low wall. He pulls one leg up to rest his elbow on, still laughing to himself. He's close enough that Jungkook could reach out and hold his hand.

He wonders where the urge comes from.

Instead, he pushes himself back up to sit next to Yoongi, pulling both of his knees to his chest. His suit is already a little dusty, and he brushes it off as much as he can.

"He's a lot more scared than he looks," Yoongi says at last, when he's quietened down.

Jungkook nods. "He - he said he was afraid. But he's hiding it really well."

"It took me a long time to get to know him," Yoongi admits. "When we first met, he seemed so - happy. Like - he had dreams and shit. It took me years to figure out just how much he keeps to himself."

Jungkook doesn't say anything.

It's the same for him, actually. When he met Seokjin, he seemed like someone who, whatever happened, could stand tall and find a way out of it. He was unaffected by everything.

And he still is that strong person. He still finds a way out of anything. Jungkook just had no idea how much fear there was behind it all.

He wonders how much everyone is hiding to themselves, right underneath his nose. If he really knows anyone at all.

"I hope he'll be happy," Jungkook says.

Yoongi nods. "Yeah. Yesol-ssi is sweet. They seem like they'll be fine together."

They're silent again.

"He really trusts you," Yoongi says, out of nowhere.

Jungkook starts. "Huh?"

"He didn't want to stay with any of us, in Seoul. He gave us shit excuses, about how Namjoon snores and how I don't sleep and how Hoseok's place is too big - but you know him. You know how he acts when he's trying to hide something. He just - really wanted to stay with you."

Jungkook doesn't know why Yoongi is telling him this, because it doesn't make him feel better. Maybe Seokjin trusted him, but in the end - everything went to shit regardless. Jungkook didn't help him. He only hopes that he didn't make anything worse.

All he can do is wish that Seokjin will end up being happy.

From here, Jungkook can still see the people inside the hall. The music that's playing is still Yoongi's, and it's an odd indication of just how far they've come. They're sitting outside in the cold, dressed well, with Yoongi's music playing for an entire crowd that honestly doesn't care who's music is playing at all - making it just their own quiet secret, between the seven of them. A kind of bond that only they share.

No one else knows just how far they've come. Each one of them has come so far, fighting their own demons, nearly losing to them over and over. But here, with the music that only they can recognize, it feels like a quiet admission that they made it through, and that they recognize that. That they stumbled through it all, with no one to watch, but they're still here, if only anyone would turn to look closer.

He can see Taehyung and Jimin inside, laughing over something on Taehyung's phone. Namjoon is with them too, texting on his own phone, and he looks kind of awkward like he's stuck there as a third wheel.

It's odd thinking of just how long it's been since Jungkook first met them all. Just how random their meetings were. Taehyung, reaching his hand out when he found Jungkook hiding behind an auditorium, promising to find him better music. Yoongi, who lived a few doors down, and brought him an umbrella when he found Jungkook hanging out in the rain. Hoseok, who offered to pay for Jungkook's ice cream when he was the damned cashier of the store.

It's been so long since then. Everyone's moved on so much.

In some ways, though - maybe they're still the same. In these small moments in between.

In the moments between the moments that should matter. Maybe it's odd that it's only those parts that mean anything to Jungkook at all.

The music is changing again, turning hauntingly familiar, twisting into a tune that he can never forget, and Jungkook stops.

He turns towards Yoongi, incredulous.

Yoongi raises his eyebrows, an almost smile on his face, like he's asking haha, do you remember this one?

"What," Jungkook says, at a lack of anything else to say.

"It felt fitting," Yoongi says. "For today. The first time we managed to sing about hope - it seemed fitting for something like this."

It's - the song that they sang together, in Jungkook's very first year. The time they stood on stage together.

The time that they understood what it was like to connect, to belong to the world - for the very first time.

There are no vocals in this version. What had been Jungkook's voice has been overlaid with a gentle violin, and Yoongi's rap has been scrapped altogether. It's still beautiful, still haunting.

It's sort of unbelievable that it's been so long, and this is still the closest that Jungkook has come to knowing what it means to be happy. The fear, the chaos, the defeat that's buried under the illusion of hope - nothing has changed, really. He's still the same person he was all those years ago.

Still running away from the same things, living for those moments in between where he can breathe.

The thing is - Jungkook can't say he regrets any of it.

There are so few good memories hidden in all the years he's been alive, but he can't imagine letting go of those good parts. If it meant that he'd end up here again for a brief moment, with people he could love and care about - if it meant he could end up like this, sitting next to Yoongi, listening to music that marked the first real change in his life - Jungkook would do it all over again.

Even though he knows that tomorrow he'll want to disappear. He'll be back to being lonely, back to wanting to die.

Maybe, in a way, this is just another illusion. An illusion of love, of connection, of not being alone for a small second.

It's still not something Jungkook can let go of.

He just has to keep going, from one illusion to the next. To each moment of respite he can find. And in between those moments he has to try to remember not to die - because if he lives through the hell he might find another moment that's worth it all.

If he does it for long enough, maybe - maybe one day he'll be okay.

"What are you thinking about?" Yoongi asks, tilting his head to look at him.

Jungkook shakes his head. "Just that it's been so long."

"It has, hasn't it," Yoongi says, and he sounds a little nostalgic. "I remember when writing this was the hardest thing in the world. Honestly, it still might be the hardest piece I ever wrote."

"You were so scary back then, hyung."

"I'm scary now too," Yoongi decides for himself, even though he has literally nothing to show for it. And then, a little softer, "I can't believe we made it this far."

"Yeah," Jungkook agrees.

He still isn't over how amazing Yoongi looks, even in the dark, like shadows and lights alike. Jungkook keeps forgetting that Yoongi could be - so much. That he already is so much. He's like the stars, burning harsh and bright and fierce, and when Jungkook looks up at them lighting up the sky all he feels is comfort.

He'd do all of it over again, if it meant he got to meet Min Yoongi.

Maybe he'd live a bit longer for him, too.

/

Chapter Text

When Jimin wakes him up, it's too early.

Jungkook can't open his eyes, the exhaustion killing him. They'd been up way too late last night, just talking. All of his friends had been there, except for Seokjin, who had to disappear after an hour or so.  Jungkook doesn't think he's had more than two hours of sleep in total.

Jimin is persistent. "Jungkookie," he says, shaking him gently. "Come on, come on, you can't afford to be late."

"I'll get ready after you," Jungkook mumbles, burying his face in his pillow.

"You can't, Kook-ah, Hoseok hyung will take you there first. You're the girukabi. Me and Taehyungie can come later."

That's something that makes him even more reluctant to wake up, with the anxiety adding to the exhaustion.

Honestly, what's expected of him isn't too hard. All he has to do is lead Seokjin across the hall, with a wooden goose in his hands, and then pass it to him when they reach Yesol's mother. And then, after Seokjin presents the goose to her, and the ritual is completed, Jungkook has to lead him back away again.

It should be easy.

It terrifies him.

Again, he has no idea why Seokjin would pick him for this - when there's Yoongi, and Namjoon, and Hoseok - but there'd been a ton of excuses. Yoongi was supposed to be part of reception. Hoseok was busy organizing the whole thing. Namjoon would probably drop the goose halfway there and that would be awkward for everyone involved.

That leaves Jungkook. The fourth friend.

He still can't open his eyes.

There's hands under his shoulders, and then he's being dragged upright. He mumbles a protest but Jimin is strong, and determined, and he gets him to sit up, slapping gently at his face.

"It's a good thing I made you take a shower before you fell asleep," he says. "I knew this would be impossible. But you need to get dressed, come on."

Jungkook rubs his eyes, trying to wake himself up. They burn with exhaustion, but Jimin is right. He can't afford to be late, Hoseok will kill him.

When he stumbles into the bathroom to brush his teeth, Taehyung is already there, wide awake for this hour of morning. He shuffles aside to give Jungkook space, and they brush their teeth in silence.

Jungkook splashes his face with water to wake himself up a bit.

It's going to be a long day. The wedding in the morning, the reception at night.

He can do this.

He splashes his face again, wiping it off with his t-shirt. He needs to get dressed before Hoseok gets here.

A long day. Fifteen hours, maybe longer.

He can do this.

Jimin helps him get dressed, rushed but careful. Jungkook feels a little silly in his hanbok. The shoulders are slightly too wide for him, the cut just a bit off. It looks like he hasn't filled into the space he's supposed to yet. Like he hasn't quite turned out right.

Jimin does his make up as well, even though Jungkook protests.

"No one's going to be looking at me, hyung."

"You'll be right next to the groom, of course they'll look at you."

"They'll be looking at him."

"And then they'll remember he's nearly a married man and there's no point in looking at him, so they'll look at you instead."

That makes…no sense, but Jungkook lets him be.

He's barely done getting ready when Hoseok turns up at the door, already looking frenzied again. "Done?" he asks, and it's a dead giveaway of how stressed he is that he doesn't even start with a hello.

"Yeah, hyung."

"Come on," he says, gesturing for Jungkook to follow him. "Let's not be late."

/

Jungkook can't do this.

It's terrifying, being in such an unfamiliar place. There are no faces that he recognizes, since Hoseok ran off to get last minute preparations done and Seokjin is still getting ready. Hoseok pushes him into a small crowd, who Jungkook thinks is Seokjin's family, and introduces him as the girukabi. The women smile at him, and tell him what he's supposed to since he gives off the aura of someone who has no freaking clue, and again - the entirety of the ritual is simple. There's very little to remember. And yet -

Jungkook is terrified.

He spots Seokjin's brother as well, who shoots him a finger gun to show him that he remembers who he is, but then disappears as well. Jungkook has never felt this out of place in his life. There's nowhere to blend into. Nowhere to hide. All he can do is stand around while everyone else has the bond of family, of being happy that their Seokjin is headed off to a good life, while Jungkook can't breathe because he doesn't know what he's doing and he doesn't know if Seokjin is going to be happy and none of it makes sense.

He takes a breath, but it comes out broken. He tries again.

He's starting to lose it.

He can't afford to lose it. Not here, not today. Not when he still has fifteen hours ahead of him and he can't let Seokjin down.

He remembers Yoongi telling him he really trusts you.

Seokjin trusts him.

Seokjin, for some reason or the other - wants Jungkook to be next to him.

Jungkook can't let him down, not again.

He tries to take another breath, but it's getting even harder. His clothes are too heavy, too constricting. He hasn't had any sleep.

Jungkook is afraid he might just fall over.

At last, he spots Seokjin. He looks stunning, but Jungkook can barely process it over the relief he feels that Seokjin is here. But that relief is short lived too, when Seokjin talks to his mother quickly about something, passes her what looks to be her own phone, and then disappears again.

Of course - it's his wedding day. He obviously won't have time for Jungkook today, Jungkook needs to figure out his own way out of this shit.

It's getting terrifyingly hard to breathe in, so Jungkook moves away from the group. Someone calls out to ask where he's going and Jungkook tries to force a smile.

"Just - the bathroom," he says. "I'll be back in a second."

He'll be back soon.

He doesn't know where the bathroom is.

He takes a couple of wrong turns, doesn't find anything. It's starting to look weird how he's been wandering the same path over and over. He can see the suspicious looks he's getting, and it only makes things worse.

Maybe he'll try on the next floor.

He goes up the stairs quickly, gripping onto the railing. This floor is more empty, easier to navigate. He finds the bathroom in no time.

And then he stands over the sink, a new wave of helplessness crashing over him because - he can't even wash his face.

Jimin will kill him if he washes off the make up.

His fingers are twitching with the urge to dunk the cold water over his head, to force himself to breathe again, but he can't.

He holds onto the edge of the sink, shutting his eyes, trying for a deep, shuddering breath. Everything is a mess. He can't think.

It's fine. It's fine.

He just needs to walk in front of Seokjin.

There will be hundreds of eyes on him, but - it's fine.

It's Seokjin they'll be looking at, not him.

He digs his fingers into the marble until the pressure hurts, and wishes he could dig them into his face instead.

He needs to calm down.

Maybe that'll help him calm down. If he just rakes his fingernails across his arm once - it might ground him a bit. He reaches under the sleeve of his hanbok, pressing his nails down, into the skin, and dragging them steadily across.

It's a brief moment of reprieve.

It doesn't help enough.

The stinging on his arm is a mild distraction, but now all he can think of is that he wants to do it again. And that's the last thing he needs now - to scratch his arm into smithereens.

He does it one more time.

And another.

He's careful not to dig deep enough to bleed. Just enough to feel again.

His breathing has calmed a bit, the sting in his arm steady and distracting. A part of him wants to pull the sleeve up entirely, just keep scratching until he forgets every shitty thought in his head. But there's no time for that.

He needs to go back outside.

His arm stings enough that the fabric brushing against it adds to the pain, which is maybe a good thing. It feels like a constant grounding.

He thinks of what Seokjin said yesterday, about walking through crowds and pretending to be a king. Maybe Jungkook can't imagine himself a king, but he'll be walking next to one. He'll be walking next to Seokjin.

He'll be okay. He has to be okay.

He steps back outside.

The crowd has thickened, and Jungkook spots Taehyung there, in the group that Jungkook had just left. He looks taller than usual, standing with Seokjin's family. Jimin is there next to him, and Yoongi as well, while Hoseok seems to be having a breakdown of sorts, rubbing his face in his hands.

Jungkook frowns.

He wonders if Hoseok had gotten any sleep at all last night. They'd tried to convince him to not stay up late with them at least, but he was persistent on being a part of that too.

The man puts himself through too much. Jungkook wishes he could help him, but - he's no good at the kind of work that Hoseok has taken up for himself. He can't talk on the phone, he can't get anyone organized. He can't even do the bare minimum that's been assigned to him without taking a pause to freak out.

It's okay. He's more calm now. He can do this.

He's almost reached them when he spots the wooden goose in Taehyung's hands.

He's holding it carefully, while one of the women is explaining what to do to him. Guiding him through the path to walk, the motions used to pass the goose to the groom - everything that she'd been showing Jungkook.

Something ugly dawns in Jungkook's chest.

Hoseok spots him, over Taehyung's shoulder, and his face goes entirely blank. And then there's a horrifying hint of anger.

"He's here," Hoseok says, and it sounds like he's spitting it.

As one, all of them turn around, with varied degrees of frustration.

It hits Jungkook then.

How long had he been away?

If it had been enough time for Taehyung and Jimin to arrive, then, shit - how much time did he lose?

The panic is sets in all over again.

"Okay, good," Taehyung says, cutting through the awkwardness, but he isn't smiling. "Jungkook, you can still do this, yeah?" he asks, holding out the goose. But he doesn't let go of it, like he's expecting Jungkook to not reach out. "Or do you need me to do it?"

It feels like a terrible question to ask.

"I - " Jungkook stutters. He doesn't understand what's happening. Hoseok looks like he wants to kill him, Jimin's expression is flat. Yoongi just looks - stressed. Unbelievable stressed.

They genuinely hadn't expected him to turn up.

"I'll do it," he says. "I was going to, I - I wouldn't mess up on hyung's wedding."

Taehyung nods, but he still doesn't fully hand over the goose.

"Where did you go?" Jimin asks. "And for this long. Hyung freaked out."

"I was - I was in the bathroom."

"You weren't in the bathroom, we checked. Where did you go?"

He presses his nails into his palms, trying not to reach under his sleeve and tear the skin apart right there.

How much time did he waste for all of them?

Did they really think he wouldn't come back?

Did they think so lowly of him that he'd mess up Seokjin's wedding? That they needed to replace him?

"I was in the bathroom," he says again, knowing it sounds like a lie. "I got lost, I went to a different floor - "

It sounds ridiculous even as he says it.

Jimin sighs, and it's like a cut through Jungkook's heart.

"I wouldn't do that," Jungkook says, voice rising a little in panic, because he can't stand the fact that everyone thinks this is who he is. That he's the sort of person who would run away and leave his friend alone out of fear.

The worst part is that - a part of him knows that they're right.

He nearly did run away.

He might have done it.

"I wouldn't do that," Jungkook insists, desperate for Jimin to believe him. To somehow convince them that he's still something of a person. "Hyung, I - I wouldn't do that to Jin hyung. I wouldn't throw away his trust like that."

"Well how are we supposed to know that, Jungkook? With everything that's happened so far?" Jimin says tersely. "How are we supposed to know you wouldn't just run away after you said you could do it?"

It hits Jungkook like a truck.

Because Jimin is right, he has nothing to back it up.

Every time Jimin took him somewhere, every time Hoseok came over to hang out, that's all he did. Run away.

That's the only person they know him to be.

And - they're right.

The panic dies out, slowly, replaced with something cold. Jimin seems to notice, and there's instant regret in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," he says. "That was mean, I'm sorry."

Jungkook shakes his head. "I'm sorry," he says, unsure of what he's apologizing for. For all the things wrong in his head, maybe. For how he can't get through the most basic of things without making a mess.

For how everyone probably regrets having made him the girukabi already.

"You're fine," Taehyung says, his mouth fixed in a frown. He presses the goose into Jungkook's hands. Jungkook takes it with shaky fingers, but he grips it tight.

He can do this. He'll do this well.

He'll do this well, and then he'll never show his face to anyone again.

Taehyung ushers him to get moving, to where he's supposed to meet Seokjin. Jimin calls after him again, another apology in his voice, and Jungkook doesn't know why he's apologizing.

Why is he apologizing for who Jungkook is?

/

The ceremony passes without event.

No one really looks at Jungkook, except with unseeing eyes. He keeps his gaze straight as he holds the goose up high, leading Seokjin to the main stage. Seokjin's presence is steady behind him, something of a comfort. He pretends he's walking in front of a king.

They reach the stage, and Jungkook turns to him, raising the goose above his head, elbows steady. There are a ton of eyes on him, and Jungkook's neck prickles. He tries not to think. He tries to look like he knows what he's doing. Like he's worth being the person who Seokjin picked to stand next to him.

He looks up, and for a second, he and Seokjin meet eyes.

Seokjin's gaze is unwavering, but there's a hint of fear. A hint of doubt.

It bothers Jungkook enough that he doesn't want to hand him the goose.

He wants to take it far away. He wants to take Seokjin somewhere safe. He wants them both to be safe, away from people who keep expecting them to be something different than what they are.

Out of nowhere, he wonders what might have happened if Seokjin had kissed him that day.

Would something have changed?

He wonders what'll happen now, if Jungkook refuses to hand the goose over.

But Jungkook isn't the kind of person who can do that. He hasn't made a difference in anyone's life before. He just keeps his head down and does what he thinks people want him to do - the human equivalent of a shadow.

So he stays silent, and hands Seokjin the goose, even if it's the last thing he wants to do and he can't summon a hint of happiness for his friend. Not when he's looking into these eyes.

He looks away.

He doesn't have much to do after that. He watches as Seokjin hands the goose to Yesol's mother. The ritual goes on. There's music in the background, the steady low beat of it making his chest vibrate.

Finally, Seokjin steps back, and Jungkook leads him away again, away from the crowd, out of the hall. Every step he takes feels like it echoes. It feels too final. Walking in front of Seokjin doesn't feel right, when he's only ever been the person who follows. It makes him feel exposed, vulnerable.

They reach outside the hall, where Hoseok is waiting, along with some other people Jungkook doesn't recognize. Hoseok puts a careful arm around Seokjin's shoulders, guiding him away. He doesn't spare Jungkook a glance, and Jungkook doesn't bother checking to see if he does.

And then Jungkook is done.

That's all he had to do. The smallest of tasks, and he made himself the largest of headaches for everyone involved.

He goes to the bathroom again.

He can't take long this time, he knows it'll be suspicious. He know everyone will think he's hiding, because they raised their voices, because Jungkook is a good for nothing piece of shit who can't deal with harsh words even when he knows he deserves them. He doesn't have a lot of time, he needs to go outside and act normal again.

But he holds his hands under the water, and then scoops it up, splashing it on his face. Some of it gets onto his clothes, into his hair. He splashes and splashes, until he can breathe a little easier. Then he wipes off his face with the hem of his hanbok, staining it with the remains of makeup.

He looks at his face, and he looks like shit - but he feels like shit, so maybe that's okay. He grabs some tissues to wipe off what's left of the colours on his face, and then he's back out the door again.

He spots his friends in the crowd. Yoongi is near the front, standing against the wall, a camera held up as he watches the ceremony. Taehyung and Jimin are seated, a few rows away from him.

Jungkook pulls up a chair at the very back, and takes a seat.

He still has at least thirteen hours to go.

The people next to him are barely interested in whatever is going on, giggling while they play on their phones. To most of the people in the crowd today, what Seokjin is doing doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all how the man spends his life. The only thing that matters to them is to make sure that he doesn't spend it the way he actually wants to.

The ceremony goes on. Ritual after ritual. Seokjin and Yesol are on stage, quietly following everything they're told to do, and then finally, finally -

Seokjin is married.

The crowd cheers. Seokjin's family blesses them, Yesol's family blesses them. Hoseok is standing to the side, looking like he might cry. Yoongi is focused on his camera, taking pictures.

Seokjin is smiling, holding his wife's hands in his. She smiles back at him.

Jungkook doesn't know why this doesn't make him happy.

/

He only sees Seokjin for the briefest of moments.

Seokjin barely has a moment to breathe. He's up for hours, smiling and laughing and receiving blessings and gifts from all the people who've arrived. Jungkook is supposed to go up as well, along with his friends, but none of them seem to be in a rush. Maybe they're waiting for the crowd to thin out.

There isn't anything to do until then. Jungkook sits alone, fiddling with his phone. Staring at the stage. He doesn't go looking for any of his friends and none of them come looking for him.

For a long while.

"Ah, Jungkook-ah," he hears, over his shoulder, and then Namjoon is pulling a chair next to him to sit. "I couldn't find any of you. Where is everyone?"

It's possible that - Namjoon doesn't know anything about what happened this morning. He hadn't been in the crowd back then, and it's unlikely that anyone had enough free time to gossip in the chaos that they'd been.

It's possible that Namjoon has no clue.

It makes it easier to talk to him.

"Seokjin hyung is on stage," Jungkook says, with the sole purpose of being as unhelpful as possible.

Namjoon lets out an exasperated noise, gently smacking him on the head. "Where's everyone else?"

Jungkook points them out. Taehyung and Jimin, still near the front. Yoongi, with his camera. Hoseok, who's next to Seokjin, taking the gifts he's been given and setting them safely inside for him to take later.

Namjoon blinks. "Ah," he says. And then, just as simply, "Then why aren't you with them?"

Jungkook doesn't know how to answer that.

He doesn't know how to explain a lot of things to Namjoon. Namjoon - who is, the height of functional. Who might apply for a PhD. Who has an incredible job and good salary and talks to people like they don't make him want to die.

"I didn't feel like getting up from here," Jungkook settles on, since it's the closest to the truth.

"I see," Namjoon says. He checks his watch. "Well. I guess we can wait till we have to go up. I think that'll be in a while."

Jungkook nods.

They sit in silence.

Namjoon doesn't look like he wants to talk either. He's staring at the stage with some kind of curiousity, in the contemplative way he gets when he's looking at something new to him. He's a quiet companion, and Jungkook is glad. He doesn't think he can make words right now.

Finally, when the crowd has thinned out enough, Taehyung turns around, staring straight at Jungkook like he knew where he was the entire time.

It unsettles him even more.

They knew where he was and left him to it.

They didn't want to see him as much as Jungkook didn't want to see them.

Taehyung waves at him, gesturing for him to come over, pointing at the stage. Jungkook raises his hand and gives him a thumbs up.

He wonders how he looks to them, like a stupid kid throwing a tantrum and hiding in the back from his friends. All he wanted to do was stay out of sight. He can't even do that right.

He stands up, and Namjoon does as well. They join Taehyung, Jimin, and Yoongi. Yoongi is shuffling through his wallet for money, saying something about how they're old enough that they're supposed to hand over cash money in addition to gifts, and Jimin is panicking and searching his own wallet, and Jungkook realizes in horror that he has almost nothing in his pockets - and then Namjoon saves them all by saying he'll make up for their share now and they can pay him back later.

They step onto the stage. Yoongi places a hand on Jungkook's back, pushing him gently up the stairs. It's casual, and for some reason, Jungkook hates it.

It's like nothing happened this morning, like Yoongi has already written it off as unimportant the way he writes off everything else.

But they step onto the stage, and Seokjin grins widely.

It passes in a sort of blur. Everyone jokes around with him, making fun of how important he looked and how he'd messed up at a part of the ceremony, and they talk to Yesol with constrained excitement, a little shy to let her see them as chaotic as they usually are. Taehyung tells her that she's very lucky, and Yoongi wishes her a happy life. Namjoon tells her to please visit them after their honeymoon. Jimin tells her that she looks very pretty and that Seokjin hyung was a legend on campus for his kimchi fried rice, and that she should demand he make it for her till the day he dies.

Hoseok, who has been on stage the whole time, laughs with them.

Jungkook wonders why it's so hard to say anything. How just yesterday, he thought this was somewhere he belonged, and now there seems to be too much pushing him out.

The others seem to notice, too. Taehyung pushes him in front of him, hands on his shoulders as he speaks, like he's trying to bring Jungkook into the group. Namjoon elbows him as he makes a joke about how they probably shouldn't meet up at Namjoon's house because neither he nor Jungkook can cook. But finally, when the conversation is over, and they're about to get their photograph taken, it's Seokjin who pulls him to his side.

"Aren't you going to congratulate me?" he says, even as he's smiling at the camera.

"I - " Jungkook is lost. It didn't occur to him that Seokjin had even noticed that he hadn't said a word. "Congratulations, hyung."

Seokjin smiles widely for the camera. So does Yesol. So do all of Jungkook's friends, so good at pretending that this could be a happy day. Like if they stop thinking about it for long enough, if they hope hard enough - this could be a happy day too.

/

The reception is a more casual affair.

He doesn't have to wear a suit, which is good - because Jungkook only really has one good suit. Everyone is dressing semiformal, and Taehyung is carefully braiding a feather into his hair, and Jimin is lying flat on the bed, completely passed out for the one hour they get before they have to show their faces out in public again.

It's tense, but it's okay. Jungkook smiles when someone talks to him, laughs at all the right points. He thinks he's doing okay at pretending to be functional.

Right now, it's just quiet. Neither he nor Taehyung talks while they get ready in quiet. Jungkook's trying to be the first one ready, so he can pass out again until they need to leave. It's easier if he and Jimin aren't awake at the same time.

Taehyung is quieter than usual. He has been, all day. He's loud in the moments that they're expected to be, but alone with Jimin and Jungkook, he barely says a word.

Jungkook stands next to him at the mirror, carefully parting his hair. They don't meet eyes in the glass.

"Are you angry with us?" Taehyung asks, quietly. His voice shows no emotion.

It's the phrasing that ticks Jungkook off.

The us.

"Why would I be angry at you, hyung," he says, trying to sound lighthearted. He combs out his hair, still not meeting Taehyung's eyes.

"Are you angry at Jimin?" Taehyung corrects.

Jungkook thinks about it.

Honestly, he doesn't know. He isn't angry with anyone but himself. But - he's tired. He's exhausted by how everyone sees him.

He'd thought that for just one day, they could pretend like nothing was wrong. Like he was just like them. Like he was okay.

It's the anger in Hoseok's face that he remembers worst. Every time he thinks of it bile rises in his throat.

"I didn't mean to disappear," he says again, trying to keep his voice steady.

Taehyung sighs. "Okay," he says. "Okay. Everyone just - got scared, I'm sorry."

"I meant to come back," Jungkook says. "I just - I was just taking a second. I didn't know how long it had been, I swear."

"Your phone was switched off," Taehyung says gently. "And we didn't find you in the bathroom. Hoseok hyung was - he was stressed, he thought the ceremony would have to start late if you didn’t come, and - you know how everyone is about timings, we couldn't have started late -"

"I know, hyung, I know."

There's still maybe six hours left, for the day to end. It's been going on forever.

Jungkook isn't sure if he'll make it till the end.

Jungkook stares into the mirror, and - he looks dead. He looks like he's barely a person, barely a ghost, stuck inside a face that isn't his.

If everything was right in the world - Jungkook wouldn't have a face. He'd just have a shadow.

Jungkook pats his hair down one last time, and then picks up the eyeliner, uncapping it.

It isn't something he wears usually. Only ever on the days that his friends force him to. Taehyung looks at him in surprise, but he doesn't say anything, going back to focusing on his own hair.

Jungkook's hands are unsteady. This has never been the kind of thing he could do - it's far too delicate. It needs too much care. For Jungkook, whose hands shake enough to ruin anything he touches on a regular basis, it's guaranteed failure.

"Need help?" Taehyung asks lightly.

Jungkook shakes his head.

He holds the skin near his eye carefully, hand shaking as he brings the brush near. It's going to be a mess. He can't do it.

He knows he can't do it, and that just makes his hand shake more.

Taehyung is looking away politely, and it makes things worse.

Jungkook moves into the bathroom instead. He leans forward, bracing his elbow against the counter top, and tries to use it to balance as he draws the colour over his eye.

It doesn't turn out well. It's shaky, and messy, and way too thick - but somehow, it feels right.

Somehow he looks like himself.

He looks like a mess, like a sad excuse for a person, and - he looks like himself.

It's an odd moment, standing there with shaky hands, looking at the mess under his eyes. Jungkook has never been more certain that he's going to die alone.

/

The food is pretty good.

Jungkook doesn't have much of an appetite. The only reason he even picked up something to eat is because he looked like a weirdo just sitting around alone with nothing in his hands. He picks at the fruit salad, digging out all of his pieces of pineapple to set at the side of his plate.

A lot of people are dancing. They drag Seokjin into it sometimes, and Yesol as well. Seokjin makes a big deal of being a terrible dancer to draw laughs out of everyone, and then he steps away again. Yesol doesn't dance much either, but when she sees Seokjin's horrific dance moves she can't help but join in.

Hoseok is dancing too, and Jimin, and sometimes they drag in Taehyung. Taehyung is still drifting a bit, sometimes a part of them, sometimes not. Mostly he sits to the side in deep discussion with Namjoon. And Yoongi is sitting with the DJ, for reasons that none of them can figure out. The two of them seemed to have become best friends in the span of a couple of hours.

Jungkook will admit that it's done wonders for the music choices.

He wonders what he's going to do with all the pineapple on his plate.

He's just sitting around, minding his own business, when Jimin and Hoseok come up to him.

"Jungkook-ah," Hoseok starts, a little hesitant. "You've been sitting alone for a while. Want to join us?"

Jungkook looks up at him.

He wants to say why are you still pretending.

He wants to say just because we were friends all those years ago doesn't mean you need to force yourself now.

Instead, he shakes his head. "I'm fine here, hyung," he says. And then, "Do you like pineapple?"

Hoseok looks confused. "Huh?"

Jimin sighs. He takes Jungkook's fork from out of his hands, stabbing it in the pineapple pieces and eating them quickly. "Never understood why you don't like pineapple," he says.

He hands Jungkook back the fork.

They don't leave, still standing there.

"I don't want to dance," Jungkook says again, waiting for them to leave. It's uncomfortable, sitting here with them both looming over him. He feels a bit trapped.

"You don't have to," Jimin says. "Just - just come and join us, yeah?"

He reaches a hand out to Jungkook.

Something ugly curls inside of him.

"I'm not even bothering you," he says, voice terse.

Jimin looks startled. "I didn't say you were."

"I'm - I'm not even in the way," Jungkook says, the shitty feelings he'd been pushing aside rising again. "I'm just - here. Why can't you let me just be here?"

"It's Jin hyung's wedding," Jimin says, looking irritated as well. "And you haven't spoken to anyone. It's supposed to be a good day, for god's sake."

The words make something flare up inside of him.

A good day.

How would Jimin know?

How dare he assume what sort of day this is supposed to be?

"Stop doing that," Jungkook bites out. "Stop making it sound like you care about him more than I do."

"You haven't even freaking smiled at him," Jimin snaps. "Do you know how worried he is? Do you know how many times he's asked us where you are, why you haven't come to talk to him, what's going on with you? What is going on with you, Jungkook? Is this still because of what happened this morning?"

It's the way he says it, the way he's just so sure that whatever Jungkook is feeling has a shitty reason. That he's overreacting. That Jungkook shouldn't be whatever the heck he is.

He wonders when they'll figure out that he knows all this.

He knows he shouldn't be like this.

They aren't making him realize anything new.

"Okay, okay," Hoseok says, stepping between them. "Jungkook-ah, look - this morning…didn't go well. And I'm sorry. Jimin is sorry too. Just - talk to Jin hyung a bit, okay? Please. It's stressing him out a lot."

"Stop doing that," Jungkook mumbles again. He's so trapped, in this corner against the wall, still curled up in his chair while they stand above him. He feels so small. So lost.

It's hard imagining that there was a time when he looked up at these people and saw the only ones who'd understand him no matter what.

"Stop doing what?"

"Stop telling me what to do. Stop assuming I don't care about hyung."

"Well, you aren't doing great at showing it," Jimin says, and - it sounds too personal.

It sounds too personal to be about Seokjin.

It dawns on Jungkook in horror.

"What do you mean?"

Jimin shakes his head.

"What do you mean?" Jungkook stresses again, panic rising.

"I don't want to do this here," Jimin says, voice clipped. "Just. Go talk to him."

"You always do this," Jungkook says, voice shaking, holding his fork up to point at him. He still feels horribly overpowered. He wishes he'd been standing up, so they'd be on equal footing. "You just - you - you don't talk to me - "

"I don't talk to you?" Jimin asks, incredulous. "I don't talk to you?"

Hoseok looks uncomfortable, like he wants to jump in and stop them but can't figure out what to do.

Jungkook doesn't understand.

He didn't - he didn't hurt Jimin.

He never hurt Jimin.

Jimin was the one who left him.

"The least you can do," Jimin says at last, voice carefully contained, "is pretend to pull yourself together for the sake of your friend because he's having a fucking hard time because of you while you sit and pick at pineapples."

Jungkook might throw up.

It rises in his throat far too fast. His hands are shaking, he needs Jimin to back away. He needs space to breathe.

He feels so sick. So wrong.

He thinks he might die.

/

It probably wouldn't take a lot, to hit his head against the wall and pass out.

The surfaces in the bathroom are hard. Marble. One good hit and he could knock himself out. He could crush his skull in the toilet.

But Jungkook is a loser. He doesn't have the fearlessness to do that.

Instead, he's fumbling with the bottles of cleaning liquids under the sink.

There's a cardboard box full of them that the staff must have left there, and Jungkook digs through them with shaking fingers. There has to be something. There has to be something labelled toxic.

Something labelled do not ingest.

His hands are shaking too much. He turns each bottle over, eyes scanning over the words on the back. Nothing, nothing.

There has to be something.

There's always a bottle of bleach at least.

He needs it, there's no way he can go outside again. Ever again. It's over for Jungkook now, he's messed up everything he could ever mess up.

There's no way he can look anyone in the eyes again, not after he's carried himself today.

Not after he's failed so much at being a person that they've written him off as someone who cares about no one.

The door opens suddenly, and Jungkook hunches over himself, trying to look like he's just searching for soap. There's no explanation for what he's doing. But maybe no one will ask.

He looks like shit enough that no one would want to talk to him, anyway.

"Jungkook-ah," a voice cuts in, sharp, too clear.

It's Yoongi.

Jungkook stops.

He doesn't turn around.

"Jungkook-ah," Yoongi says again, careful. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," Jungkook says, but he can't stop searching. It's fine. It's fine. He'll just tell Yoongi some shit and then once he's gone he can drink whatever he finds.

But Yoongi doesn't leave. He settles down next to him, on the floor, pushing the carboard box back under the sink. "Jungkook, come on. Let's go home."

"It's too early," Jungkook says, voice shaky.

"No, it's - fine. We can leave."

"No one leaves a wedding early."

"They do sometimes."

"They'll yell at you too," Jungkook warns. "They'll say you don't care about him."

"Care about who?"

"Jin hyung."

Yoongi's voice is steady, but still soft. "Who said that?"

"Everyone," Jungkook mumbles. "All of you. All of you think it."

His fingers are shaking, tempted to reach out and grab the box again, but he knows his time is up. He can't do this now. Not with Yoongi here.

"No one thinks that."

He presses his fingernails into his palm instead. Yoongi takes his hand in his, trying to get him to loosen his grip.

"I didn't let anyone down," Jungkook whispers, to himself. "I - I didn't. I was always there when someone wanted me to be, okay?"

"Jungkook-ah - "

"I skipped an exam for you, do you know that?"

Yoongi stops, thrown. "What?"

"You probably don't even remember," Jungkook says. It's a shitty thing to do, to throw this in Yoongi's face. To throw one of his weakest moments back at him and make it worse, but Jungkook can't control himself anymore. He just wants to throw everything out of him until there's nothing left, until he blinks out of existence. "You missed a performance and you called me. To meet up with you. I had an exam. You probably knew I had an exam, I'd told you - but I came anyway. I came, didn't I?"

Yoongi is lost, something like horror in his face. "You - what?"

"I'm not like this," Jungkook says, and he's terrified he might cry. "I do care, I do care, I - I'm not selfish. I just - "

He can't keep up the façade of being human on some days. He can't do the things that everyone else does.

He's just trying his best to get through each day.

"I'm not selfish," he says again, sounding stupid and shaky.

Because that's what it comes down to. That's the insinuation that he can't stand. The fact that anyone can think that he cares about himself, that he thinks he deserves to care about himself - that Jungkook doesn't realize what a shitty person he is - it makes shame sink into his stomach.

If this is the person everyone sees, this selfish, ugly person - Jungkook has to hide himself better. If he isn't going to die he has to have the common fucking decency to be someone who isn't such a nuisance.

He has to go outside. He has to meet Seokjin, talk to him the way a friend should.

Pretend to be happy for him.

He'll do it. He'll do it once he can get himself to stand up.

He just needs to stand up.

He presses his fingernails into Yoongi's hand without thinking, and doesn't move.

/

Chapter Text

It's raining when Yoongi leaves his apartment for the studio.

It's 4AM, too early even for him. The sky is still dark, the buses run almost empty. It's stupid to be out this early for work that starts at 9AM, but Yoongi has nothing to do at home.

He can't sleep. He's out of alcohol. There's nothing to do besides lie awake and stare at the ceiling, eyes burning from exhaustion. That and check his phone - skipping over the hundreds of messages he's got from his friends to see if there's anything from Jungkook.

At least outside, Yoongi is busy enough being cold to forget that he's miserable.

The chill is sharp, sinking into his ears and into his chest. It's always cold these days, and the rain tops it off. He's pulled the hood of his raincoat low over his face, the waterproof fabric clinging to his jacket. He's managed to escape most of the wet, except for his shoes.

It's too dark. Too cold.

His studio will be warm, though. He can make himself a cup of coffee. Maybe he'll get a head start on his work for today.

He wonders absently what Jungkook is doing, alone at home in the rain, and barely resists the urge to check his phone again.

It's not like Jungkook texts him often. He barely texts him at all. It's always Yoongi who texts first, to ask him if he's eaten, if he's home, if he's bored, if he's heard the latest release by Hwasa - all barely concealed ways of asking are you still alive.

And maybe Jungkook catches on, because his replies are a little tired. A little clipped. Like he's giving back the bare minimum yes, hyung, I'm alive.

And it makes sense for him to be annoyed. It's fair, because it's not like Yoongi didn't know before that Jungkook wanted to die. Jungkook probably hates him for that - for caring now, when he didn't care enough for the past few years.

When he'd ignore Jungkook's messages for days, when he'd blow up at him for no reason, when he distanced himself just because it scared him how attached he was. Just because he was fighting his own demons.

Yoongi threw Jungkook aside too often, and Jungkook had never given up on him.

He'd skipped an exam for one of Yoongi's stupid freaking breakdowns.

Yoongi always knew he didn't deserve his friends, but each day he comes to realize just how much.

When he makes it to the entertainment company, the street is deserted. Yoongi wipes his shoes on the mat in front of the main door, the mud caked on the soles leaving behind an ugly mess.

All the lights inside are off, and Yoongi doesn't bother with the main switches. He goes straight up to his studio, shivering a bit in the cold. It's starting to rain harder. Maybe he should check on Jungkook.

He doesn't know what it is with Jungkook and the rain. He's never understood why it makes it so easy for him to fall apart.

Sometimes he wonders if the rain is to Jungkook what Yoongi is. What Yoongi's music once was. Something that Jungkook can't stand, something that he wishes would go away, but ends up too tightly wound in. Something that has such a hold on Jungkook's shadow that he just accepts it and doesn't realize he can leave.

Yoongi wonders every night what might have happened at Seokjin's reception if he hadn't thought to follow Jungkook into the bathroom. And then he wonders if it would even have happened if Jungkook had never met any of them.

It's the kind of thought that usually makes him shut himself in. Every part of Yoongi is tired, just wants to go home to a place he doesn't know. He doesn't want to put one step in front of the other. He's on his way to his studio, telling himself he'll be warm there, but inside he only feels hollow.

He should have bought more alcohol.

He wants to shut himself in, but he can't. He can't leave Jungkook alone ever again. Even if it leaves him hanging on his last thread to let himself be perceived - Yoongi can't leave again.

He's ruined other people's lives enough.

He hangs his raincoat up over the door to his studio, peeling off his shoes and wet socks. He doesn't have a spare, but that's okay. They'll dry before he needs to go for lunch.

That's like…eight hours away at least.

He sinks into the chair at his desk, pulling out his phone. There are still too many messages unread, too many calls not returned. Hoseok and Namjoon have been calling him almost obsessively, and Yoongi hasn't opened any of their messages at all. He talks to Seokjin sometimes, just to make sure he's still in one piece, and - Seokjin seems fine. A little nervous, settling in with his wife, but fine.

He skips over Hoseok's messages again to find Jungkook's contact.

Are you awake? He types.

The message is read instantly, but there's no reply. Yoongi sets his phone to the side, waiting.

A full five minutes later, a message pops up, of a link to ASMR of a snail eating a bit of lettuce.

It makes him - unbelievably fond, so much that it makes him sad. He wants to say no, you idiot, I'm not trying to sleep, I'm trying to make sure that YOU sleep - but he doesn't know how to put that into words.

I just woke up, he types instead. I'm at the studio. It's raining a lot so it made me think of you.

Jungkook types for a while, and then stops. Types, and stops. Finally, he sends - why are you at the studio so early.

Thought I'd get some work done.

Did you sleep at all?

A little. What about you?

Ahh no. Rain is too loud.

The snail videos don't help?

They're too quiet.

Ah.

Yoongi doesn't know what to say after that.

He's asked Jungkook over and over, throughout the years they've known each other, about what it is with him and the rain. It's something that Jungkook doesn't seem to be able to put into words himself, but he tries, telling Yoongi about how it's never ending, how it always turns up when he doesn't want it to, how literally nothing can stop the rain from coming down.

One of the things he mentions over and over is that it's loud.

Too loud.

Loud enough that he doesn't want to scream over it.

Yoongi has known Jungkook for four years now, and still - sometimes he feels like he barely knows enough.

He picks his phone up again.

Can I call you? He types.

Jungkook doesn't reply for a long time.

Sorry hyung, he says at last. I don't really feel like talking now.

You don't need to. I'll leave it on speaker. You can listen to me work. My stuff gets pretty loud.

Jungkook seems to hesitate again.

It might distract you, Yoongi tries. You don't need to say a word. I won't either.

Okay, Jungkook says at last.

Yoongi presses call. It gets accepted almost immediately.

As promised, he doesn't say a word. He switches on his speaker and sets the phone on his desk, starting up his files. The cup of coffee that he'd meant to make is forgotten as he clicks open the song he's working on.

He can hear soft rustling from the other end of the line, as Jungkook moves around in his sheets, and the softer sound of his breathing, like he's holding the phone too close to him. The patter of the rain is distant but steady through the line.

It's soothing, in a way. It feels like Jungkook is almost here.

It feels like relief.

Strangely, it isn't odd to work with someone listening in, like Yoongi was afraid it would be. He's working on a part that he's been stuck with for a couple of days, and he ends up playing the same part over and over, with different additions, but Jungkook doesn't hang up. It almost feels like those days back in their dorm, with Yoongi working on music at his desk and Jungkook trying to finish his homework on Yoongi's bed.

Yoongi works for hours, and Jungkook doesn't hang up. Yoongi doesn't want him to.

It's still dark outside, still storming, but it feels like they're in a little world of their own.

/

It's around noon when Yoongi finally realizes he has to eat.

Jungkook had hung up a good while ago, when he had to leave for work. He'd shot Yoongi a short text thanking him for whatever reason and telling him that his work was awesome. Which Yoongi doesn't believe, but he finds the sentiment sweet.

The track he's making still needs a lot of work. Maybe he'll stay back late tonight to finish it.

It isn't raining as much anymore, just a gentle drizzle, so Yoongi foregoes his coat. He holds a hand over his head as he steps out of the building to keep his hair from getting wet instead. He eyes both sides of the road, trying to decide if it's safe to dart across, when he spots the figure at the other side of the street.

It's Hoseok.

He's standing outside the restaurant Yoongi usually eats at, holding a hand up in a hesitant wave.

Yoongi's heart sinks a bit.

He hasn't spoken to Hoseok in more than a week. It's been too hard to respond to any of his messages, when there's been too much unsaid between them.

Logically, Yoongi knows it's wrong to blame him for anything. None of this is Hoseok's fault.

He stares at him for a second, unsure of what to do.

Finally, he holds a hand up to wave back. It hurts to see the relief on Hoseok's face. It's there for a brief second before he hides it well, giving Yoongi a wide grin.

Yoongi crosses the road, stopping in front of him.

"What are you doing here," he asks, voice flat.

"Missed you," Hoseok says, and it sounds honest. "You wouldn't reply to my messages."

Yoongi frowns. "So you show up at my workplace?"

Hoseok looks a little guilty, but he ducks into the restaurant. Yoongi follows him. They take a seat at the back, and it feels odd, to be here with his best friend from college years. Hoseok looks out of place here. He looks out of place in Yoongi's studio, too, on the few occassions that Yoongi drags him inside. It's like two different parts of Yoongi's life trying to mash themselves together when the pieces clearly don't fit.

"How are you doing?" Hoseok asks, careful to sound , after they've placed their orders.

Yoongi shrugs. "I'm okay."

"You look like you haven't slept in weeks."

Yoongi hasn't. "I'm okay," he says again. "How are you? I heard one of your dancers fell sick."

He didn't hear that, he read it in one of Hoseok's messages when they popped up at the top of his screen. He'd read it, and then swiped it away, pretending he didn't see it at all.

"Yeah," Hoseok says. He doesn't look upset that Yoongi went missing for so long. He's used to it. He's used to too many things, just because he's Yoongi's friend. "Managed to find a replacement. It was a few days of extra work, but it's all cool now."

"That's good."

"Yeah."

There's silence again.

It's not like it's difficult, being around Hoseok. It's never difficult. Yoongi never feels the need to pretend around him, because Hoseok knows more about what a shitty person Yoongi is than Yoongi does himself. It's never been difficult, so Yoongi doesn't know why he shuts him out.

He doesn’t know where the feelings of you wouldn't understand come from.

But this time it isn't just that. It isn't just Yoongi shutting him out.

It's also everything that's gone wrong in general.

"Have you heard from Jungkook?" Hoseok asks at last, and just like that, Yoongi's insides harden.

"Did you try talking to him?" he asks back.

"I - yeah, I did. He seemed fine. He wasn't mad. That's why - that's why I'm worried."

Yoongi breathes out a bit, patience thinning.

He wasn't ready for this conversation.

"Cut the bullshit," he says, voice dry. "What did you say to him that day?"

Hoseok instantly looks guilty.

It's a day that Yoongi tries not to think about. Stepping into the bathroom and watching Jungkook desperately searching through cleaning liquids, like he was okay with whatever shit was at hand to get himself out of this world - it's one of the things that keeps him awake all night. Yoongi has seen Jungkook at his worst before, but he's never seen - that. He's never seen him fall so low.

It was jarring, because staring at him, hunched over on the floor, Yoongi felt like he was looking at himself.

At his own pathetic self, hiding away from everything and only staying alive because he couldn't die.

It's something he can't come to terms with. Jungkook was many things but he wasn't - he wasn't a lost cause. He wasn't like Yoongi.

He couldn't be like Yoongi.

Yoongi wants to erase the image from his mind.

"Do you have any idea how he was, when I found him?" He tries to keep his voice low. He can't let himself be angry. Yoongi doesn't even know who he's angry at.

Hoseok is quiet, staring at his hands. It only makes Yoongi angrier.

Because Hoseok doesn't know. He knows that Jungkook wasn't in a good place- all of them knew that, from the state Jungkook was in when Yoongi managed to drag him out of the bathroom. They could tell from the expression on his face, from the expression on Yoongi's. They could tell from Yoongi's clipped tone, when he'd told Seokjin that he was taking Hoseok's car and leaving early but that he wished him a happy married life.

But none of them knew what had really happened. They didn't know just how far they'd pushed Jungkook.

And Yoongi won't ever recount it.

"I didn't mean for that to happen," Hoseok says. "Yoongi, you have to know - I never want to hurt him."

"Then who were you trying to hurt," Yoongi asks flatly. "You were sure as hell trying to hurt someone."

Back then, when he saw Hoseok and Jimin walk up to Jungkook at the reception, he didn't think much of it. He thought that they were just trying to get him to dance as per usual. He'd kept one eye on them, halfhearted and mildly curious, ready to intervene if they tried to drag him onto the dance floor against his will - but he didn't expect the scene to turn into utter chaos.

Jimin had stormed away, angry and tightly wound. And Hoseok had floundered a bit before leaving, and Jungkook looked - so distressed. So done. When Yoongi saw him leave he had no choice but to follow.

"It was either you or Jimin," Yoongi says. "I don't know what you did."

"It wasn't - supposed to go like that," Hoseok insisted. "I'd - I was just so angry. I took it out on him."

"You don't do that," Yoongi says. "You've never taken things out on Jungkook."

"I - "

"Whatever you said wasn't an accident."

"I didn't say anything - " Hoseok says, a little desperate, but Yoongi can tell that he's trying to convince himself. There's too much guilt in his expression.

"What did Jimin say, then?" Yoongi says.

Hoseok is silent.

"Protecting him, now?"

"It's not what you think."

"And what do I think?" Yoongi asks, voice going quieter with his anger. He hasn't slept in far too long, he can't deal with this now. It's all too much emotion that he'd been trying to hide away. "He told me that none of you believed he even cared about Seokjin. Hoseok, what the fuck?"

"I didn't - of course he cares about him," Hoseok says. "But Yoongi, he - he wouldn't talk to him. He wouldn't talk to any of us. He's been like this for years now, he just shuts down and doesn't let us help him, and I never know when I'm going to turn around and he isn't going to fucking be there - "

"You said you were okay with that," Yoongi cuts in. "Every time he disappeared - you know he isn't good with crowds. You said you were okay with that, why the heck are you expecting him to change over night?"

"Why are you like this?" Hoseok says, and his voice is getting higher. He's getting frustrated, a little wild. "All of you - you keep saying I should be okay with all this. You did it with Seokjin and now you're doing it with Jungkook - "

Yoongi stops. "What are you even talking about?"

"I'm not okay with it!" Hoseok says. They're getting too loud, the workers are starting to give them curious looks, and maybe Hoseok notices because his next words are almost quiet. "You're acting like - like Jungkookie is just being himself, and that I'm not accepting it, or some - some bullshit. When he isn't being himself. You know he's not like this. This isn't just him being awkward in crowds and easily overwhelmed - this is a kid with serious problems. Don't you get that?"

It stuns Yoongi into silence.

For once he has nothing to say, and it brings up every messed up doubt in his head that he'd tried to push aside.

"He's always been like this," Yoongi says, but can't bring himself to mean it. He knows that Jungkook has been falling lower every day. He knows that maybe better than anyone else. "He isn't - different from usual."

"He was always sad," Hoseok says. "And it was never okay, even back when we were in college - he was too fucking sad. But now it's getting out of hand, and I'm not supposed to be okay with that. None of us are supposed to be okay with that."

"You're twisting what I'm saying," Yoongi snaps, but inside he's starting to sink. He can't do this right now. He can't take this all in. "I never said it was okay for him to be like this - "

"That's exactly what you're saying," Hoseok cuts in sharply. "It's what you always say. 'Let him be, this is who he is, this is what he does, leave him alone' - you always just wait it out. You just hold back and wait for him to be okay again. What if he isn't going to be okay again?"

It hits Yoongi in the face too hard.

He thinks back to Jungkook's figure hunched over in the bathroom, and he thinks he might throw up.

All his life, every time Yoongi has held his hand out to Jungkook, he's promised him that they'll get through. That they won't die. That they'll be okay. But he never dares to tell him that they'll be happy. He never says it, because while he hopes it'll be true, the words taste wrong on his tongue.

"And what about you," Yoongi bites out. "What did you do? You thought pushing him was the answer to all this? That making him feel like shit would make him somehow get better?"

There's a flash of guilt in Hoseok's eyes again. "I messed up that day," he admits. "I was angry - hyung was a mess and Jungkookie was a mess and I just - I let it all get to me. But I won't say that we should just - let him be. Maybe you can just keep going, when you feel like shit, but I don't think Jungkook can."

There's an awful silence between them.

It's exactly what Yoongi has been doing all his life. He just keeps going, feeling like shit. No hopes of getting better, no hopes of anything changing, just running from one base to the next and pretending there's nothing chasing him down.

All his life, he's pretended that he's trying to outrun his shadow, when the shadow has never even fallen behind.

"He seems to be doing fine now," Hoseok says quietly. "He's hanging out with his co-workers, he hasn't missed work at all since hyung's wedding. Namjoon says he sticks to his schedule like clockwork. Doesn't drop by Namjoon's place on his own, but never turns him down when he offers to meet up. He doesn't turn anyone down. He seems better than usual."

It's the way that Hoseok says it that Yoongi knows that isn't it.

"It worries me," Hoseok says. "It worries me how okay he seems now."

/

He does get what Hoseok means.

Yoongi is standing outside the building Jungkook works at, waiting for him to come outside. He's turned up a lot earlier than he should have. Jungkook had said he'd text him a while before work ended for him, but once Jungkook had agreed to meet up Yoongi couldn't think of anything besides seeing him and just turned up immediately.

So here he is, waiting in the cold, unable to get Hoseok's words out of his head.

A part of him feels guilty about latching onto Jungkook like this. Yoongi knew, even before Hoseok had put it into words, that he only held Jungkook back. That all he did was make it seem to him like it was okay to be like Yoongi.

He should've known the first time Jungkook looked at him and said he was amazing.

It didn't mean that Yoongi was amazing - it meant that Jungkook was attracted to the wrong freaking things.

He only ever dragged Jungkook down. Hearing about how he'd skipped his exam to help Yoongi out only made it more clear.

Maybe Hoseok didn't mean it like that, but it's true. Yoongi has his fingers digging too deeply into Jungkook's shadow, refusing to let go, just because he's too afraid to be alone.

He knows that Jungkook needs help, even if Yoongi doesn't want to admit it. The way he is now - he's a risk to himself. He isn't safe, he doesn't want to be. He needs help, the kind of help that Yoongi can't give him because he's too far buried inside his own shadow.

But that can't be right. There has to be something he can do for Jungkook.

Saying that he can't be helped sounds too much like giving up. It's just another way of saying this shouldn't be my responsibility, which is all Yoongi has ever done. He can't do that again, no matter what Hoseok says.

Hoseok says that - that Jungkook wasn't like this before, but who were they to say? Who were they to decide what was Jungkook and what was the demon in his head? Could anyone even know?

Were they only supposed to be okay with the parts of him that didn't make them uncomfortable? And once it was something they couldn't solve with a couple of hugs it suddenly became something fucked up in his head?

Yoongi has only ever known a Jungkook with too many messed up thoughts. He's afraid that he doesn't know who he is underneath it all.

He's afraid that all the thoughts he feared that Jungkook had about him - are actually the truth of what he thinks of Jungkook.

He doesn't know who Jungkook is, without everything that drew them together.

He doesn't know what Jungkook means to him, besides the hand that he holds on to too tightly when everything gets too dark.

And it doesn't matter who it gets dark for. For him, for Jungkook - it all seems the same. It always feels dark for them both.

The rain always seems to come down forever.

Would they have even been friends, if they weren't so messed up? Would they have needed to be?

Would any of the good memories he has of Jungkook have actually been good if it wasn't for the fact that they came right after the worst parts of Yoongi's life?

He doesn't know what the difference is between a person and everything that's wrong with them. He thinks of the colours in Jungkook's painting, deep inside the faceless figures, and he's afraid that he's never let himself see them in real life.

Yoongi needs sleep.

His head hurts so much.

Instead he's standing outside Jungkook's building and waiting for him to come out, so that Yoongi can be sure that he's alive. So that he can try his own messed up version of being there for him, the way Jungkook was always there for Yoongi.

He waits in the cold for nearly an hour, and then finally, Jungkook steps out.

There are a couple of co-workers with him, and they look friendly enough. One of them pats Jungkook on the head, asking if he's sure that he doesn't want to join them. Jungkook smiles, saying he's sure, that he'll definitely go with them tomorrow, and the whole scene strikes Yoongi as odd.

He can't tell why.

It's not a weird thing, for Jungkook to eat with someone. He's coming to eat with Yoongi right now, and if it wasn't Yoongi he'd be with Taehyung, or Namjoon. It shouldn't strike Yoongi as odd that he's finally getting along with his co-workers.

But it does, and Yoongi doesn't feel right.

He watches Jungkook talk to his co-worker with easy familiarity. He still doesn't make much eye contact, but his eyes crinkle as he smiles, and while he looks awkward he doesn't look like he wants to flee. He looks like - like he did in his first year, hanging around Hoseok and Seokjin. Like he was a little intimidated but it was overshadowed by how happy he was to be around them.

He's standing under the lights, and for a long while, he doesn't seem to see Yoongi. Yoongi, who is hidden in the shadows, watching him.

He wonders if this is who Jungkook could be - someone almost happy. If this is who he might be if Yoongi just lets him go.

But that can't be right. Yoongi wasn't here for two years. And Jungkook wasn't okay.

It can't be his fault.

But now - now it looks like he is on his way to get better, and here Yoongi is, under the pretext of being there for him, when all he really wants is to hold on to Jungkook tightly so that he won't leave him no matter how much he wants to.

Jungkook spots him at last, and his happy expression changes a bit, turning into something more natural, and that's when Yoongi realizes the smile all this time had been forced.

Somehow, that only makes everything worse.

/

Apparently when Hoseok said that Jungkook doesn't turn down invitations to meet up anymore, he really meant it.

They're sitting at a table in the corner of a bar that Yoongi has never been to before. It's small, and a little dim, not as crowded as the ones that Hoseok usually drags him into. There are a couple of groups of middle aged men at the tables around them, and a single table of college girls. A lonely man sitting on his own and drinking himself into a stupor. That's about all.

Yoongi isn't drinking much today. He's watching the others instead.

Hoseok drinks a lot more than usual, and even Taehyung drinks a good bit. Jimin, as far as Yoongi knows, always drinks too much, so it isn't unusual to watch him. Namjoon doesn't drink at all, citing that he has an early morning tomorrow and that he can't afford a hangover.

But it's Jungkook who Yoongi can't stop watching.

Jungkook, who has told Yoongi over and over that he doesn't like drinking in front of people. Jungkook, who hasn't met up with them as a group in way too long.

Jungkook, who is now sitting directly in front of him, downing a glass of soju.

He doesn't seem upset - that's what catches Yoongi off guard. He'd figured that Jungkook only turned to alcohol when he was sad. But he seems perfectly at ease, pressed up against Taehyung's side, as Taehyung pours him another glass while cracking some stupid joke about porcupines walking into a bar. He laughs at it, and takes a huge gulp from the glass that Taehyung places in front of him as well.

Hoseok whistles in amusement.

"Damn," he says, in a little bit of awe. "Never thought I'd see Jungkook drinking."

"Ahhh, he drinks a lot sometimes," Taehyung says, elbowing Jungkook in the ribs just because he can. Jungkook hunches over a bit in pain, but he's still smiling. "Way more than me."

Yoongi doesn't know why he can't let that go.

They're all here, with their own decidedly unhealthy drinking habits. Yoongi himself spends each night hunched over the toilet unsure of which world he's in.

But somehow it's Jungkook that sets off all the alarm bells in his head.

Jimin is sitting next to Yoongi, quiet as he drinks. His smiles are forced, his laughs are always a split second too late. He seems miserable and he's trying way too hard to hide it. It's telling enough that he's next to Yoongi, the person he likes the least, instead of across the table next to Taehyung.

If that isn't enough of a giveaway, the way he casts careful, hesitant looks at Jungkook is more than enough of an explanation.

Jungkook, for his part, doesn't meet Jimin's eyes even once. He's too busy laughing at Taehyung and Hoseok. He's so uninhibited that it feels wrong to watch.

Yoongi doesn't understand why it feels so wrong to watch him have fun.

And he is having fun. Whatever animosity he and Hoseok had between each other is gone, the distance he'd been keeping from Namjoon is gone. All of his emotions are out too clearly on his face to see, and - it makes it too clear how close he really holds all of them. He looks at everyone with such blatant admiration that it unsettles something in Yoongi's gut.

But still, he doesn't dare to look at Jimin.

"Jin hyung should have come," Namjoon says, stabbing his chopsticks into his food.

"He's too busy for us now," Hoseok says, mournful.

"He isn't," Jungkook insists suddenly, eyes a little too wide. "I asked him if he was busy and he said he was never too busy for us. He swore it."

"That's nice, Jungkook," Namjoon says, a little amused.

"It is!" Jungkook says, oblivious to the fact that he's being teased. He grabs at Taehyung's sleeve like he isn't even aware of it, pressing his fingers into the material. Taehyung doesn't say a thing. "Jin hyung is really nice."

There are sounds of agreement. Taehyung holds up a glass with his left hand, the one Jungkook doesn't have a grip on, as if to toast to it.

Yoongi swirls his finger around the rim of his own glass, and doesn't feel like drinking at all.

The conversation drifts to random topics. They talk about the food, about the government, about the bug on the wall and how all street lights should shine in different colours. At one point Hoseok catches Yoongi's eye and nods towards his glass. Yoongi just shakes his head.

"It doesn't make sense," Taehyung is saying, way too serious. "Why do they still think aliens are going to look like us. Or like anything we know. They're probably just - weird smells in the air. Or nothing at all. Or just vibes."

"You think the aliens are vibes," Yoongi deadpans.

"I'm saying they could be," Taehyung says, still scarily sincere. "We should be considering everything."

Jungkook looks down at his own nearly empty glass. "They could be here," he says in awe.

Taehyung nods enthusiastically. "In that very glass."

Jungkook stares into the cup with such blatant fascination that Yoongi wants to slap himself. Instead he reaches across the table, pushing the hair out of Jungkook's eyes, feeling fond despite himself.

Jungkook looks up at him and smiles, eyes crinkled. Too happy, too trusting. Yoongi's heart stops.

He retracts his hand as quietly as he can.

Next to him, Jimin downs the entirety of his glass in one go, and pushes it towards Hoseok, silently asking for a refill.

"He drank too much," Yoongi says mildly.

Jimin turns to look at him, and he doesn't look annoyed, the way he usually does when he's looking at Yoongi. He looks like he's silently judging him. Like he's trying to figure Yoongi out.

"I drink too much," Jimin says, like that's any excuse.

Hoseok pours him a glass silently. "This is your last one," he warns.

Jimin rolls his eyes and brings it to his lips.

Taehyung is watching him worriedly, but Jungkook doesn't even turn, still staring intensely into his glass.

"Hyung," he says in awe. "I think it moved."

"Of course it moved," Yoongi sighs. "You moved it."

Jungkook looks so offended that Yoongi regrets it instantly.

"Let me see," Taehyung says, taking the glass from him. Jungkook doesn't let go for a second, unwilling to lose his direct view, but finally he loosens his grip. Taehyung makes a big deal of staring into it, ooohing and aaahing, and at this point Yoongi isn't sure if he's actually drunk or if this is just the usual Taehyung, because there honestly doesn't seem to be much of a difference.

Jungkook stares at Taehyung, excitedly awaiting his judgement.

Jimin taps his fingers against his glass, unsure of what to do with himself.

"This probably has aliens in it," Taehyung declares at last, and Jungkook looks way too happy about it.

The two of them end up pushing the glass to the side, building a quick mini fort around it with some of the napkins on the table, and by this point it's clear that Taehyung isn't half as drunk as he made himself out to be - he's just indulging his friend.

"If it's in the glass," Hoseok asks, squinting. "Does that mean it's in the bottle?"

Namjoon sighs heavily.

"In the bottle, in the air," Yoongi mutters. "Who the hell knows anymore."

"Wait, what's in the air?"

Yoongi gives up.

Jimin folds his elbows on the table, resting his head. He stares at Jungkook openly.

Taehyung gives him a side glance. Jungkook still doesn't look at him.

"Jungkook-ah," Jimin says at last, voice soft.

The whole table goes quiet, but Jungkook doesn't look up. He's picking at his own sleeve now.

"Jungkook-ah," Jimin tries again.

Still, no one says anything, and Jungkook is starting to look a little nervous, a little panicked.

Taehyung's expression is tight, conflicted. Like he has too many things to say and he knows he can't say any of them.

Yoongi kicks Jimin under the table.

"Aah!"

"Leave him alone," Yoongi mumbles, quiet enough that only Jimin hears.

To his surprise, Jimin doesn't look angry. Or annoyed. He just looks - miserable.

"Okay," he says, and then puts his head back on his arms, staring at the window instead.

Yoongi is hit with a sudden pang of guilt.

/

Namjoon and Jungkook leave first.

Namjoon calls a cab, because he's certain he can't get Jungkook home through public transport in one piece. Taehyung leaves almost immediately after. He grasps Jimin's arm and gets a shaky smile in response, and then he bids them all goodbye and he's gone.

Then it's just Yoongi, Jimin, and Hoseok.

"I could drop you guys off," Hoseok says.

Jimin shakes his head. "I'll call a cab."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure, hyung."

Hoseok looks to Yoongi, and Yoongi shakes his head as well.

Finally, it's just him and Jimin.

Neither of them tries to leave.

Yoongi doesn't know why they sit together, or for how long. Jimin rests his head on the table again, staring blankly out the window, and Yoongi traces the rim of his glass of soju which is still half full.

There are so many things he wants to ask Jimin but he doesn't know how.

"It's not fair," Jimin mumbles at last.

Yoongi stills. "What isn't fair?"

"You came back after two years," Jimin says. "It's like you got a second chance."

He wonders if Jimin knows that Yoongi's life is a whole series of second chances. He fails, and tries again. Fails, and tries again.

By some miracle the world hasn't killed him yet.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"With Jungkook. It's like - you just got to pick up where you left off. Like nothing happened in between. You didn't have to be here to watch everything go to shit."

"You think I had fun in Iceland?" Yoongi asks, careful to keep his voice steady. "You think I didn't have a hard time?"

"I'm not - I'm not saying that," Jimin says. "I'm just saying you could stay so distant from all of us. You weren't actively watching everyone drift apart. You didn't have to see everyone be so - miserable."

It doesn't even sound like he's annoyed. Or jealous. He sounds a little - wistful, and that's what makes the anger rising in Yoongi's chest die down.

He snorts instead. "Does anyone look happy to you now?"

Jimin considers it. "No," he says at last, and he sounds almost heartbroken.

Yoongi wonders, for the millionth time, what could have happened between him and Jungkook. How things could have got this bad. It doesn't make sense.

Even now, even before the wedding - whenever Jungkook talked about Jimin, there was still that fondness. That overwhelming kind of love that the three of them had for each other. It was tinged with a little sadness, but the love was still there.

Taehyung had told Yoongi that Jimin needed space, but then the way Jimin had acted at the wedding - it didn't all add up.

"Are you angry at Jungkook?" Yoongi asks at last.

It takes Jimin too long to answer. He considers it for so much time that Yoongi thinks he isn't going to answer at all, but there's a slight furrow in his eyebrows that tells him that he's thinking it through.

"A bit, yeah," Jimin says at last. "I think I resent him a little."

"Why?"

"Taehyung chose him," Jimin says simply. "After everything the three of us had been through - I didn't think we'd ever choose someone over the other. I never let myself even think about it. But when it came down to it - it was so easy for Tae. He just looked at which one of us was more damaged and sided with him. Freaking saviour complex."

Even now, he doesn't sound angry.  Just like he's given in.

"Why did he have to choose between the two of you?" Yoongi asks carefully.

"We weren't good for each other," Jimin says quietly. "Me and Jungkookie. I couldn't help him and he couldn't help me and we just kept spiralling together until one of us had to stop it."

The words make something dark grow inside Yoongi's chest. Something that's been there since Hoseok looked at him and said you always just wait it out.

"That's not his fault."

"It's not."

"Then why are you mad at him?"

Jimin is quiet again. The minutes tick by. The bar is nearly empty by now, just one other man is left, drinking alone.

"I was trying," Jimin says, voice shaky. "I was trying for him. I wanted to be okay for him. Why didn't - why wouldn't he try for me?"

Yoongi doesn't have anything to say to that.

"It was so hard," Jimin says, shutting his eyes, and Yoongi is afraid he's going to start crying. "It was so hard, watching him fall apart. Trying to convince him to keep going when I couldn't come up with a single fucking reason for him to, except that I cared about him so I didn't want him gone. That was the only selfish reason I could come up with."

"That's not selfish," Yoongi says, but his heart is racing. It's - it's everything that he's been thinking, to himself.

It's not like he wants Jungkook alive because he thinks anything will get better for him - he doesn't know if anything will get better for him. He can't come up with a single reason for him to have hope, and it shows. It shows each time he says we won't die today, and never says someday we won't want to die at all.

He wants Jungkook with him, alive, because he's fucking selfish. There's no other reason to it.

"And he - he just shut me out entirely," Jimin says, and he sounds a little bitter. "He acted like it was none of my business. Like I was supposed to drop by his room and just ignore the kind of mess he was living in and somehow make him happy just for a moment."

The worst thing is that Yoongi can see it all happening.

He feels like it's happening already, like Jungkook has already written them all off. Like he's practicing too hard to fake his smiles, like he's trying his best to look like he's doing okay.

Like he loves them all as much as he always did, but would no longer dare to look anything less than happy in front of them.

Yoongi picks up his glass of soju at last, and finishes it in one go.

He'll probably stay here a lot longer tonight.

/

Yoongi doesn't often open his social media accounts.

It's not like there's much to see on them. Some of his friends are super active, like Hoseok and Seokjin, but Yoongi never has to log in to look at their photos because they send them to him directly. At least Hoseok is more subtle about asking for compliments - Seokjin just outright demands that Yoongi tell him that he's handsome.

Which he is, Yoongi will admit - but it's still unfair that he's so aware of it.

He's sitting at his table in the studio, feet propped up next to his computer while he leans back in his chair, scrolling through all of his friends' accounts.

It's something he tries to avoid doing because it always makes Yoongi feel kind of lonely.

There's something very jarring about being able to watch the people he knows having lives while he isn't there to see it. It gives him a crisis. It's like this weird overhead view of the rest of the world going on, happy and uninterrupted, while Yoongi sits in his room. He doesn't like the feeling.

He's only scrolling today because he can't get Jimin's words out of his head.

Yoongi really wasn't here for two years, and he knows he's missed out on a lot. He knows he's just forced himself back into Jungkook's life because he'd finally figured out he couldn't keep going without him. And Jimin was there for him the whole time. Even before Yoongi even met Jungkook. Jimin was always there.

It makes him wonder what difference he could make in Jungkook's life that Jimin hasn't.

Jimin's profile has a ton of photos. A lot of them seem to be from his workplace. The captions are all cute and excited, with too many exclamation points, and he has a shit ton of followers.

Some of his photos are of Hoseok. Both of them grinning at the camera together, both of them eating at fancy restaurants. Both of them sitting in Hoseok's car. Funny photos of them at the movies, or out on the streets.

It takes a lot of scrolling for Yoongi to find pictures with Jungkook.

Taehyung is still there, in between, wearing a mask and holding up two fingers at the camera while he minds his own business. But Jungkook's pictures are far down. And in the ones that Yoongi finds, he's always looking away from the camera.

Most of the pictures of him are candid, and in the rest he just looks caught off guard. Awkward. Like he's only there because Jimin wants him to be.

But still - he's in so many of them.

There are photos of them all dressed up and hanging out in bars, watching street dances, eating ice cream in the middle of the street. Jungkook looks awkward, but Jimin still keeps him going. Still doesn't let him go.

He thinks of what Hoseok said, about Yoongi always just - letting Jungkook be, and he realizes that Jimin never did.

Yoongi doesn't know what to think of that.

He doesn't know if Jimin is wrong, or if Yoongi is.

But - in the end, Jimin let go. That accounts for something, right? Jimin let go of him, and Yoongi is never going to.

He scrolls until he reaches photos of their college years, of Jimin and Jungkook in Taehyung's room, in the cafeteria, in the auditorium - and Yoongi stops there. The photos give him too many emotions that he doesn't like.

Instead he moves on to Seokjin's profile.

Seokjin hasn't posted a lot recently. He's still busy getting used to his new schedule, what with married life and his new apartment and his new job in Seoul. He's posted just two pictures: one of the place he's moved into, and another of him and his wife, thanking everyone who came to his wedding and promising the ones who didn't that they'd never be friends again.

Yoongi is absently hitting like on his posts when a comment catches his eye.

It's just a long string of exclamation points, but - it's from Jungkook.

Jungkook has actually commented on someone's post.

Yoongi hasn't ever seen him do that.

He taps Jungkook's account ID, and to his surprise - he actually has posts.

All his posts have been uploaded in the past few weeks. There's a picture of the sky, filled with stars. It's beautiful. A photo of the subway, late at night. A photo of what looks like really fancy food with Namjoon tagged in it.

Yoongi can't believe that - that he's posted something. Jungkook never posts anything on social media, not publicly at least. He always said it made him nervous to do. His online presence is basically non-existent.

And now - he's posting almost consistently?

And just after Seokjin's wedding.

Yoongi can't explain why it makes him feel so off.

He slides over to Jungkook's tagged photos, and finds a whole lot of new stuff there too. Pictures of him smiling with his co-workers - actually making an effort to smile at the camera. None of the usual hiding that he'd been doing in Jimin's photos.

He's looking into the camera, and smiling. It's forced, and looks a little awkward like he's unsure of what he's doing, but - it's still there.

And he's at these locations with groups of people, large enough groups that Yoongi knows he'd never hang out with.

Everything about this strikes him as wrong, wrong, wrong.

A notification pops up at the top of his screen, distracting him for a second.

It's Taehyung.

          Hyung

          Yoongi hyung

          Hyung

Yoongi frowns.

Yeah?

          Where are you?

At the studio. Why?

          Hyung. I messed up. I’m so sorry

???

          Can you please check on Jungkook?

Yoongi's heart stops.

Chapter Text

Jungkook's co-workers are nicer than he expected.

It's sort of weird to sit at a table with so many people, but it isn't as hard as he thought it would be, because none of them expect him to talk to them. Everyone seems content to eat and talk over each other and laugh a little too loud, and they don't really notice that Jungkook doesn't say anything because they're used to him not speaking up at work either.

They don't ignore him entirely. Every now and then someone tosses a joke in his direction, with a knowing smile, about something stupid they'd done today or about something completely unrelated, like oh Jungkook-ssi likes banana yoghurt too, he kept staring at the refrigerator sadly until I gave him one - and it's not really a conversation, but it's a subtle reminder that they remember Jungkook is here.

That's more than enough for him.

He's sitting next to Dosan, who, by Jungkook's luck, always sits next to him at team outings. He's kind, and careful, and he's always watching to make sure that Jungkook has the food he wants and refills his plate before Jungkook works up the nerve to ask for seconds. He makes quiet jokes under his breath, for Jungkook to hear, and Jungkook feels like he's a friend. He doesn't know how long it's been since he made a new friend.

If Jungkook lets himself think for too long - he thinks Dosan is a lot like Jimin. He talks to anyone with ease, and loves large groups of people, but he puts in extra effort to make sure that Jungkook isn't left out.

Jungkook tries not to think about it.

He tries not to think about Jimin.

Instead, he focuses on his food. It's getting late, past 7PM, and it doesn't look like anyone is planning on leaving any time soon. He's learned recently that it doesn't matter - he's allowed to leave whenever he wants.

All he has to do is stand up.

It's been getting a little harder, to just stand up. Jungkook tries not to think about that either.

His co-workers are nice. Jungkook's life is good. He shouldn't be this tired.

He shouldn't be exhausted all the time.

He can't afford to show it.

He finishes off his plate, shaking his head when Dosan asks him if he wants something else to eat. His co-workers are making fun of their boss now, about how the man had completely lost his shit when he found out that someone had paid the same dude twice. Jungkook sets his chopsticks neatly on his plate, wiping off his fingers with a napkin, and then stands up, lifting up his backpack.

"You're leaving?" Dosan asks.

"Yeah, hyung."

"Ahh, Jungkook-ssi, leaving already?" someone asks. "Don't forget your phone charger tomorrow, okay?"

Jungkook's face heats up a bit, but everyone just laughs easily. His phone had died completely today, and he'd needed to awkwardly wander around asking everyone he knew for a B-type charger. It was maybe the most interaction he'd had in the months that he worked here.

Surprisingly, it wasn't too hard.

Jungkook is just so tired.

He waves to everyone as he leaves, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. It's cold outside, and it's raining a bit. Jungkook doesn't have a rain coat, but it's fine. It's not raining hard enough for him to get drenched.

He waits at the bus stop, checking his phone absently. He has a ton of new messages. Seokjin has sent him some memes, with a long row of angry faces under them, because apparently Yesol doesn't find the memes funny and Seokjin wants an instant divorce. The last message is just never mind, i told her i was going to break up with her and she fake laughed well enough that i'm giving her a second chance.

Jungkook sends him a long series of deadpan faces. He's tempted to tell Seokjin that he doesn't find the memes funny either, but although Jungkook is ashamed of it - he actually does.

There are some messages from Taehyung too, asking him where he is. Some from Hoseok, asking if he's free this weekend. Some from Namjoon asking if he'll be home for dinner, and some from Jimin that he doesn't dare to open.

Then there's Yoongi, as always, asking Jungkook if he's eaten. If he's home yet. If he wants Yoongi to pick him up.

It's been so long since Jungkook's phone has had these many messages.

He wonders if his life would have been better if he'd learned earlier that all he had to do to make people like him was force smiles when he wanted to die.

/

Namjoon, it turns out, is trying to learn to cook.

This scares Jungkook more than it should.

It's worse still, because it's not like he can help. It's not like Jungkook has any idea what he's doing either. All he can do is hover awkwardly at Namjoon's elbow, and give him valuable input, like -

"No, hyung, you can't put that in the microwave."

"Hyung, why - why would you cut a carrot like that - "

"Hyung please put the knife down or I'm leaving right now."

Namjoon, for his part, looks embarrassed, but determined as hell to finish the recipe he's watching on the internet. Jungkook should probably keep the emergency number ready to dial on his phone.

Finally Jungkook just takes the knife from him and tries to finish the recipe himself.

He's so tired.

He wants to sleep.

But Namjoon has called him over, and Jungkook wasn't going to say no.

He hasn't been sleeping a lot recently. The rain is too loud, his windows rattle like they're going to break. On worse days, Jungkook is tempted to ask if he can sleep at Namjoon's. He can just curl up on the couch and stay quiet, and Namjoon won't even know he's there.

But he isn't going to overstep again. He'll come over when Namjoon asks him to, he isn't going to ask for anything else.

On the worst days of all, he thinks of calling Yoongi to ask if he can stay with him. He knows that if Jungkook really asks, Yoongi would turn up in a heartbeat. Out of pity, or out of guilt - Jungkook isn't sure.

He's been almost suspiciously around since Seokjin's wedding.

Jungkook knows that he shouldn't have mentioned skipping his exam to meet up with Yoongi. It was a shitty thing to throw in his face - it was like he was implying that Jungkook did more for Yoongi, like he was trying to guilt him into being around more. Which wasn't what Jungkook wanted to say at all. In that moment, everything had just been too much, and Jungkook had desperately thrown out whatever half assed proof he could find of the fact that he wasn't completely selfish.

And in the end all he really did was make a mess.

But the point is, that he could call Yoongi. He could call Yoongi and he'd turn up any time, but Jungkook won't call him.

He can't.

He chops the carrots in silence, while Namjoon watches over his shoulder.

"Jungkook-ah," Namjoon starts.

"Hyung?"

"Have you been sleeping well?"

Jungkook shrugs. "Okay, yeah. You?"

"Somewhat, yes," Namjoon says, like he's dismissing the question. "Your dark circles are getting worse."

Jungkook reaches up for his face reflexively, forgetting that he's holding a knife. It doesn't matter, because it's the flat edge that touches his skin, cold to touch, but Namjoon nearly panics anyway, reaching out to stop him.

Jungkook pats under his eye, like it'll tell him anything of what he looks like. It's been a while since he's seen his reflection in the mirror. He'd forgotten it could give things away.

It's alright. Jungkook has been working a lot recently. It's a good enough excuse to be losing sleep. He should probably look at his face more, though. He can't go around looking too exhausted. Jungkook needs to do better than that.

But he is - so exhausted.

"Jungkook-ah," Namjoon says again, cautious. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

No, Jungkook wants to say. No, of course I don't know that.

"Yes, hyung," he says instead. Then he gives him a pointed, judgemental look. "I don't understand how you could dissect cockroaches and not cut carrots."

"The cockroaches were delicate," Namjoon argues.

"And that made it easier?"

"No, it made it - uhh. Okay fine, I messed up a lot of cockroaches. I don't know how I passed that year."

Every day he learns that Namjoon isn't as perfect as he let on, and every day he's more surprised.

He wonders how someone can mess up these small things repeatedly and still be known to be a freaking genius. Jungkook dropped things in the lab once or twice because his hands shook too much, and no one trusted him for the rest of the year. He wonders if there's something on his head that says this one WILL mess up.

Or maybe it's a Namjoon thing. Maybe if you're just - super cool, super good at everything, no one notices the little things you do wrong.

Jungkook wishes he had the energy to be anything more than barely functional.

/

The school that Taehyung teaches at is in a quiet area, hidden from the bustle of city life.

Jungkook has never been here before. It's far from his apartment, and he has to switch buses twice to get there. It's always just been easier not to visit, and Taehyung has never asked him to.

Even today, Taehyung doesn't even know that he's coming.

Jungkook had texted him a few hours ago, asking if he wanted to hang out today, and Taehyung had promised to be at their usual meeting spot at around 7PM. But now it's barely five, and Jungkook is standing outside his school instead.

The place looks sweet, somehow. The school day has ended, and there are students wandering around, still excited, still filled with too much energy to remember that they need to go home. Some of the older students are standing around in groups, laughing as they talk. There are parents waiting outside, a little afar from where Jungkook is, and it's jarring to see. It's like entering a different world that he'd forgotten about.

Some of the parents hug their kids as they see them. Some of them look genuinely happy to see each other. Some of them glance impatiently at their watches and force interest in whatever their kids seem to be jabbering on about.

Jungkook watches them with an emotion he can't identify.

It's odd thinking about middle school, when the few things that Jungkook was worried about were the grades on his tests and what his mom would make for dinner. He didn't have many friends back then, and it didn't bother him. Jungkook doesn't think he knew well enough to even realize that he was lonely.

Maybe that counts as something. Maybe if he doesn't realize he's lonely it's about as good as not being lonely at all.

He can't believe how long it's been since he graduated from school. It feels like a lifetime ago.

All those nights in high school, crying into his pillow because he didn't know what life direction he wanted to take. All he'd known was that he sucked at math. He sucked at physics. He sucked at everything that he needed to be good at to be semi-decent at engineering, but that didn't seem to matter to his parents.

He remembers daydreaming about standing on a stage, singing his heart out. Moving to a different country, where all anyone knew about him was his music and his voice. Where Jeon Jungkook didn't exist, all that did was the insides of his soul that he breathed into life on stage.

It's funny to think about now - the fact that he had dreams.

Jungkook used to have dreams.

It's funny that he ever thought his life would be more than just making it to the next day.

He doesn't know how long he waits in the cold, kicking absently at the sidewalk. Taehyung should be out any time soon, based on what Jungkook knows of his daily schedule. He's a little nervous, because he doesn't know how Taehyung will respond to this. He doesn't know if he'll be excited, or if he'll just see Jungkook as another part of the day that he has to deal with.

Finally, he spots Taehyung leaving the building.

He looks - older, in this unfamiliar setting. More put together than usual. He's wearing his glasses, and Jungkook only ever sees him with his glasses on when he's studying or when he's stitching something into his clothes. His bag is slung over his shoulder, a stack of papers tucked under an arm. Some of the students bow a little as he goes by, and he nods at them in response, smiling a bit.

He doesn't notice Jungkook for a long time.

When he's halfway across the school grounds, he glances towards the parents. His eyes wander a bit, and finally - he spots Jungkook.

He literally stops in place.

Jungkook holds a hand up to wave, smiling sheepishly. His heart is beating a little louder than usual.

Taehyung doesn't react, still staring at him like he isn't quite sure what's happening.

And then he breaks into a grin.

He grins wide, everything about him lighting up, and suddenly he doesn't look like this school teacher, this person Jungkook doesn't know enough of. He looks like the person who had taken one look at Jungkook in his first year and decided that they were going to be best friends for life.

He smiles so wide that it hurts a little, and Jungkook can't believe he's never done this for his friend before.

/

Clearly Taehyung is a little too excited about the fact that Jungkook is at his workplace, because he seems to have forgotten that they were going to go out and is too busy showing Jungkook around the school.

Jungkook didn't think he'd be allowed to enter, but Taehyung just clicked his tongue and dragged him inside anyway. Jungkook's heart beats faster, but no one stops them. A lot of people look amused to see Taehyung coming back, and they ask him who he's with, and Taehyung just says, this is Jungkook!

Sometimes he has to elaborate, and say my best friend, but a lot of the time - the other teachers' eyes widen in recognition with just this is Jungkook.

Like they know who that is.

Like - like Taehyung talks about him.

"This is the faculty room," Taehyung tells him, nodding towards a place. "They won't let you in there, but we can say hi from outside."

He seems to mean this literally, and he leans into the door. "Hi!" he says loudly. And then he leaves just as easily.

Jungkook follows him in awe and disbelief, his hand still held firmly in Taehyung's. Trust Taehyung to get a job as a respectable member of society and still manage to be as Taehyung-ish as usual.

"This is one of my favourite classes," Taehyung says, turning the handle on the door. "Class 7B. The most energetic of classes. Just today I started teaching them about plant reproduction and god, the questions they came up with -"

The classroom is compact, colourful - so unlike Jungkook's own classrooms, which looked like they'd been built because no one had a choice in the matter. This place looks like somewhere that people could make good memories. The kind of life that they could want to remember forever.

He watches Taehyung go around, showing Jungkook the view from the window, how the whiteboards slide on top of each other ("We never had anything like this, huh?") and is joking about how his students try to get away with eating in class because they have no clue just how much Taehyung can see from the front - and he fits into this place so well. He looks like he belongs.

He listens as Taehyung tells him all about this new life that he loves. And he's happy for him, he's glad he's so excited, he's -

The students that Taehyung has are so lucky. Jungkook hopes his friend knows this.

For them to be brought up in a school like this, with all the colours in the world, with someone like Taehyung looking out for him - they're so lucky.

For a moment, Jungkook feels nostalgic for memories that have never happened. For a life that could have been.

The door slides open, and someone peeks inside. "Ahh, Taehyung-ah," they say. "You're still here?"

"Yeah, noona," Taehyung says, giving the new woman a look of surprise. "You haven't left yet?"

"There was some lab equipment arriving," the woman says. "I'm just about to head out now."

She glances towards Jungkook, who tries not to look like he's here to kidnap children.

"Who's this?" she asks.

"This is Jungkook," Taehyung says, like that's more than enough explanation.

The woman's eyes widen in recognition. "Oh, you're Jungkook-ssi," she says, smiling at him. "I've heard a lot about you. I'm Jung Wheein."

Jungkook hasn't heard anything about her.

He hasn't heard anything about any of Taehyung's friends, really. Except his roommate. They just never talk about these things. They talk about how Taehyung's students ended up bringing him an centipede thinking it was a caterpillar, and how they seem to think he's some kind of bug expert and keep barging into the staff room to ask him to identify them, but they don't talk about Taehyung's friends.

It's never occurred to Jungkook that he might want to.

He smiles back at Wheein. "It's nice to meet you."

"Wheein teaches chemistry for middle school," Taehyung says. He's rummaging around in the box of chalk on the desk. "She doesn't like chemistry though."

Wheein looks offended. "I like it well enough," she says. She gives Jungkook another smile. "I should be going though," she says. "I'll see you around. Both of you."

And then she's gone.

It's another thing added to Jungkook's ever-growing list. Another thing he has to do to be a better friend, a better person.

Show up more often, fake more smiles, ask about other friends -

It's barely 6PM. Jungkook is exhausted, but he pinches at his skin through his pocket and forces himself not to sink under.

/

When Namjoon doesn't call him over, Jungkook has nothing to do.

He goes home. Takes his shoes off, sets them neatly by the door. Ignores how the floor hasn't been swept, and how empty boxes of takeout are piled up near the kitchen counter. He needs to take out his trash, but Jungkook already knows he isn't going to. Not any time soon.

It's like once he steps inside, all the exhaustion of the day that he'd been fighting to ignore catches up with him. It's hard enough to put one foot in front of the other.

He should be allowed this, at least.

He should be allowed just one place to fall apart, at the end of the day.

He doesn't turn the lights on. They're too bright, they hurt his eyes. He's got used to getting around his apartment in the dark. He leaves the bathroom door propped open, with the light on in there all day. It's enough illumination to get him around.

Jungkook is so exhausted.

He should take a shower, but he honestly can't manage to. He can't touch his bed in the filthy clothes he's in though, so he ends up falling into the couch.

He curls up a bit, trying to make himself warm. He should probably get himself a pillow at least. A blanket. It's raining, the windows are rattling, and he's going to get cold in a couple of minutes.

He can't bring himself to get up.

It's okay. He's made it this far. Jungkook's done well for today.

He has, right?

All his friends smiled at him. He didn't piss anyone off. He's been a functional human being.

He can take a break now.

He curls up deeper into the sofa. It's chilly, but he'll have to make do. He can't get up again, he physically can't.

His phone goes off, and Jungkook exhales.

He could just ignore it. But - it might be Dosan. He texts late sometimes, asking Jungkook for parts of his work, because for some reason Dosan even works once he gets home. Jungkook stares at his backpack, hoping it would get easier to reach.

It doesn't.

He reaches out slowly, trying to grab it. He's so exhausted.

He catches hold of the strap and drags it next to him, taking out his phone.

It isn't Dosan - it's Yoongi.

Did you get home safe?

Jungkook wants to tell him no.

He wants to say that he doesn't know what that means. He's home. He's in one piece. He'd be happy if he fell asleep right now and never woke up again. There's a strange smell coming from the trash piled up in Jungkook's kitchen and it makes him feel sick but he doesn't want to have to touch it. He doesn't want to see evidence of the cockroaches he knows are there.

His windows are rattling and the rain never stops and Jungkook is too exhausted to cry.

Sometimes he wants to tell Yoongi the whole truth.

He wants to say that Jungkook isn't okay. He isn't, and sometimes it hurts that they all think he is. He's pretending every moment of his life and he doesn't know what he's doing and he's so, so scared. He doesn't know how much longer he can last. He doesn't know how much time he can pretend for until it all crashes, until he gets called out on it, until Jungkook is back at stage zero again with nothing.

He wants to tell Yoongi all of this, but he knows that Yoongi expects him to.

He knows that that's precisely what Yoongi is waiting for.

And he doesn't want to give that to him.

Yoongi is waiting for Jungkook to come undone, to let it slip that everything's wrong, so that he can try to fix it, so he can make up for whatever it is that he thinks Jungkook has done for him. It's the only explanation for how much Yoongi has been texting him recently - he's waiting for Jungkook to not be okay.

Because after all these years, Yoongi finally is.

I'm home, hyung, he types.

Yoongi reads it immediately.

Had dinner?

Yeah, hyung. You?

I'm eating now.

Cool.

Jungkook sets his phone down next to him, curling up again in the cold. Maybe the windows will break. Maybe they'll break and his apartment will flood and Jungkook will sleep through it all. Or maybe they'll break and the trash he's piled up will get soggy and it'll all stink even more and he'll have to clean it up.

Maybe if he just lies here someone will find him three days later and they'll realize there's something wrong with him and clean his room for him.

His phone lights up again, and Jungkook reaches for it absently. It's Yoongi again.

It's raining again, huh. You doing okay?

Jungkook lets the phone drop back next to him.

He wants to cry, but he doesn't have the energy to.

He wishes any of this was easier.

He remembers so long ago, standing out in the rain with Yoongi, screaming up at the sky, and feeling like things could only get better from there. It feels like so long ago, even though it was barely three years - Jungkook remembers feeling so alive.

Now, he can't imagine doing that. He can't imagine getting up, and feeling things. All of Jungkook's days go by in trying to figure out what's expected of him, and sticking to the schedule so that no one catches him slipping up.

He's not doing okay, no.

He wants someone to fix his windows for him but he can't complain about it because the building manager probably thinks the fact that Jungkook has a place to sleep is more than he deserves.

He picks his phone up again.

Yeah, he types.

Want me to call you?

Jungkook bites his lip, vision blurring a little.

You don't need to talk as usual, Yoongi types, hurried, like he's afraid Jungkook will say no. I'm not working, but - I don't know. It'll just be like we're around together.

Okay, Jungkook types.

Yoongi calls him instantly.

Jungkook accepts the call, putting the phone on speaker and setting it down next to him. He curls up deeper into the couch, trying to focus on the sounds coming from the other side of the line instead of the rain outside his window.

Yoongi had said he was eating, and Jungkook can hear the faint sounds of it - the sounds of him scraping his bowl, his quiet chewing. There's a movie or a drama in the background, a little muffled with all the other noise that's making it through.

From what Jungkook can make out, it's in Japanese. His Japanese is shaky at best, so he can't make sense of what's going on in the show, but Yoongi seems fascinated by it. Maybe he has subtitles on.

It doesn't seem odd, listening in. At some point, Yoongi seems to forget that Jungkook is there, and he laughs to himself at whatever is happening in the show. He actually laughs. He'd never struck Jungkook as the type to laugh over things when he was alone in his room, but - it's nice to listen to. A little sad. But nice anyway.

It's getting colder, and Jungkook should really find himself a blanket. He should wash his face at least. If he just changed his clothes, he could get into bed and be warm.

Instead he stays where he is, listening to Yoongi laugh from too far away, and wondering why he still feels so empty. He taps his fingers against the couch, in a slow, steady rhythm. Tapping along to the OST of whatever Yoongi is watching. It's gentle, and soothing, and Jungkook taps, taps, taps.

"Jungkook-ah," Yoongi says suddenly, voice soft.

"Mm," Jungkook says without thinking.

He'd forgotten that he wasn't even going to talk.

Yoongi seems surprised too. He doesn't say anything for a long moment. And then -

"Sorry, I just - what's that sound?"

"I was tapping," Jungkook mumbles. His face is pressed into the couch, words barely understandable. "Sorry. Thought it was quieter."

"It is quiet," Yoongi says, his voice somehow even gentler. "You're fine, carry on. I just thought the line might have been breaking."

"Oh."

Yoongi falls silent again, going back to watching his show. He's quieter this time.

Jungkook doesn't stop tapping. He's focused on it now, hyper focused on this one task to forget how he's lying here in the cold.

The rain keeps pouring. Neither of them hang up.

/

"We should do this more often," Taehyung says.

They're sitting outside the mall, at one of the benches. Taehyung is still holding a can of popcorn. They'd emptied out the first one they'd bought like ten minutes into the movie, and it made them sad enough that they decided to buy another when they made it back outside.

It's been a long time since they've come to the movies together. They haven't done it since back when Jimin would plan it for them.

And it's clear that Taehyung knows that this was odd for them, that even though they had fun, it's just - not something the two of them usually do together. His voice is hesitant, like he's waiting for Jungkook to disagree. For him to say I've had it, I don't want to do this ever again, let's just stick to our usual schedule of eating out and then hiding in our rooms.

"Yeah," Jungkook says. "We should, hyung."

Taehyung smiles, a little soft, a little sad.

The movie they'd watched wasn't all that great. It was more violent than either of them expected, and neither of them are fond of violence in general so they'd been a bit put off by it. But sitting there together, fighting over the popcorn, and judging all the choices that the director had made in voices hushed enough that no one could hear them - that was admittedly fun.

The sort of fun they used to have, when it was the three of them, instead of just two.

And maybe that's what's kept them sitting here, outside the mall, making no move to get up and go home. The fact that they had a good day, but it was a good day overshadowed by the fact that someone was missing.

Jungkook can make a big deal of being functional and going about his life, but he can't deny that he's run away from so much of it too.

"Maybe - " Taehyung starts again, even more hesitant. "Maybe next time, we can bring Jimin?"

It's the hope in his voice that kills Jungkook.

It's the way it sounds like - like Jungkook is keeping him from him.

"I thought - " Jungkook stops, unsure of what to do with his words. "I thought you guys still go out."

Taehyung shrugs. "We do sometimes," he says, setting the can of popcorn on the bench in between them. "Not often, no. But that's not what I mean, I mean - do you want to go somewhere - together?"

Jungkook feels - so cold.

He doesn't want to. Of course he doesn't want to.

He hasn't said a single word to Jimin since Seokjin's wedding, and if things go his way he never will.

It's not like Jimin hasn't tried reaching out. He's been trying almost non stop. He texts Jungkook every day. He's tried calling him once or twice, late at night, when both of them should have been asleep. They've met a couple of times, because as much as Jungkook doesn't want to see him, he can't use that as a reason to not meet his other friends unless he wants to be hated more - so they've met, but Jungkook still hasn't spoken to him.

And Taehyung knows this. He knows this - and still he asks.

"Hyung," Jungkook says, feeling emptier than usual. "I - what do you want?"

Taehyung looks hurt, guilty, all at once. "I don't want anything," he says. "I mean, I do. I want - I want you to be okay. I want you to be yourself."

The cold in his chest deepens and gets worse making everything emptier and emptier.

"I don't understand," Jungkook says. "What - what do you want?"

"Jungkook-ah," Taehyung says. He shifts in his seat, pulling up a leg to curl under him so that he can face Jungkook fully. Jungkook doesn't meet his eyes, doesn’t want to. "Jungkook-ah, why are you doing this?"

"Why am I doing what?"

"This - all this. You never want to go to the movies, you hate the big screen, the noise gives you a head ache, you - why are you doing this?"

It feels like a slap in the face. "I - you said you had fun."

"I did," Taehyung says, still looking at him too closely. "I did, of course I did. But I don't want to do it again unless you want to do it too."

And there it is, the trick question of all questions.

It's how every messed up decision has started in Jungkook's life.

He keeps thinking that this actually means something to them. His friends ask him do you want to do this, and all these years Jungkook had made the mistake of answering no. He'd made the mistake of telling them the truth, thinking they'd understand, thinking that all the fucked up shit in his head meant something to them.

But all that happens when he tells them no is that they write it off as another shitty thing about Jungkook.

"I don't know what you want from me," Jungkook says honestly. He's so empty. He's run dry.

"What do you mean?"

"You were angry that I wasn't okay," Jungkook says, voice shaky. "You were all - so pissed. And now I am okay, and that pisses you off too?"

"What the fuck," Taehyung says, eyes widening in surprise. He doesn't seem angry, just - alarmed. "What are you even saying."

"At hyung's wedding, you all - Jimin hyung - "

"What did Jimin say?"

"As if you don't know," Jungkook snaps, and it takes them both by surprise. Jungkook never snaps at Taehyung. The way Taehyung never snaps at him.

"What?"

"You all thought it," Jungkook says, voice rising a little. He's starting to panic, that isn't good. They're in the middle of nowhere, he's too far from home. He can't panic here.

He's been doing well for so long.

He can't -

He can't mess it all up now.

"You all thought it," he says again. "You thought I was too messed up. That I needed to pull myself together and pretend to be a decent person."

"You really think I'd think that?" Taehyung sounds aghast, a little hurt. He reaches out, like he wants Jungkook to face him, but Jungkook turns away. "Jungkook-ah, no - what - "

"And now I'm doing it," Jungkook says. "I'm doing it for all of you and for - for fucking Jimin hyung - "

"Jungkook."

"And now you can't stand that because it's not normal for you, so what do you want from me? What do you want from me?"

There's a horrible silence.

Jungkook is breathing harder than he should. He doesn't dare look into Taehyung's eyes, but he feels how tense the older man is.

"I don't want anything from you," Taehyung says, careful. Like he's trying to be as gentle as possible, like Jungkook is someone he might hurt by mistake.

"That's not true," Jungkook says, louder than he should be. "That's not true - you - even now, you want me to meet Jimin hyung. Even now, you want that but you're pretending not to just so you can make it look like you're putting up with me - "

"Okay first of all - " Taehyung cuts in, looking almost pissed. "If I was putting up with you I wouldn't be here. And second of all - I want you to meet Jimin because both of you are so damned miserable, not because I want to hold hands with you both and run into the sunset."

"He hates me," Jungkook says, unsure of how Taehyung can be this oblivious.

"He doesn't hate you - "

"He hates me." It's making him sick again, thinking back to Jimin's expression that day. The anger, the coldness. How he'd looked at Jungkook like he was a burden to everyone alive, how he'd looked at him like the world would be better if they'd never met.

It's making him sick.

"He said I didn't care about him."

Taehyung looks taken aback for a second, but then he steels himself. "Jungkook-ah," he tries, like he's trying to hold himself back again. "He doesn't hate you, he was just worried about you. He's always worried about you, and he thought - back then, the only reason he was so distant was that he thought you just needed space from each other - "

Jungkook freezes.

Taehyung freezes too, eyes widening, like he's said something that he shouldn't have.

"We needed space from each other?" Jungkook repeats, like he isn't sure he heard it right.

"I - I don't mean - " Taehyung fumbles. "Yeah," he says at last. "Yeah, he thought you needed space from each other. You weren't okay and he wasn't okay and he thought you were making each other worse and - that's why he stepped back. That's why he's never been around."

Jungkook can't form words.

"He thought - he thought we were making each other worse?" he asks at last.

"I - can you blame him?" Taehyung says. "You'd be hanging out with him and then you'd just - disappear. And he'd spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what the hell went wrong, if it was something he did, if he could have helped, and - he didn't have the mental strength for that. He was going through shit of his own."

It burns. It burns, with shame and humiliation. "He didn't have to try to help," Jungkook says, voice rising. "I just wanted him to be my friend, not freaking take care of me - "

"So he was supposed to ignore all the shit you were up to?"

And the thing is - Jungkook did do a lot of shit.

He ruined every outing, every trip. He either didn't drink at all or drank too much. He got lost in clubs or cried in bathrooms. He disappeared, and disappeared, and disappeared -

"I didn't ask him for help," he tries weakly.

"So what the fuck was he supposed to do, Jungkook?" Taehyung asks, voice horribly sharp, and Jungkook starts to shake.

He's terrified. He doesn't understand this.

Jimin left because - because Jungkook was too much to handle?

"Was he supposed to ignore you, huh? Just hang around and ask what your day was like and then when you started crying out of nowhere when he took you out he was supposed to what, walk away?"

Jungkook's vision is getting blurry, it's getting harder to breathe.

He knew he was hard to be around.

He didn't realize to what extent.

"He didn't stop caring about you," Taehyung says. "He never did. Don't - don't say he hates you, he loves you. He just - he needed space, that's all. He needed some time to worry about himself too."

Jungkook hates himself.

Everyday, he thinks he can't hate himself more than this, but right now, listening to the steadiness of Taehyung's voice, to everything he's been hiding for so long - Jungkook really wants to fucking die.

He's tried so hard.

He's been trying so hard, and for what?

He's back at ground zero again.

And then something strikes him.

"He'd told you, then," Jungkook realizes.

"What?"

"You - you knew, that this was why he wasn't talking to me. To you. Hyung, you - he needed space from me, but you - you didn't stay with him either."

Taehyung's expression goes almost panicked.

"I didn't leave him - "

"It's because you felt sorry for me, right?"

Taehyung's face crumples. "No, why are you twisting this - "

"It's true. Hyung. It's true, isn't it?" Jungkook is sure of this, he's never been more sure in his life. Everything about Taehyung's expressions just proves him right. "You felt guilty about back then, with Hoseok hyung and the drugs. You've always felt guilty about that for some - stupid reason. So -  so you sided with me this time."

And as Jungkook says it - he knows it's the truth.

He should have known all along.

All this time he'd thought that Jimin had just drifted apart. That he'd made better friends, that he'd forgotten about Jungkook. About Taehyung.

He'd dared to believe that Jimin had forgotten about Taehyung.

When in reality - the whole thing had been carefully thought through behind Jungkook's back. The two of them deciding who could handle Jungkook better, and leaving it to Taehyung to deal with him.

"If I was doing okay - you would have stuck with Jimin hyung," Jungkook gets it now, and the emptiness has reached every part of him. "If I was fine, you would have just left me instead."

"Jungkook, no."

"He was your best friend," Jungkook realizes. "More than I'd ever be. If I was okay, you wouldn't have even needed to think about who to pick."

He stands up abruptly.

"Where are you going?" Taehyung asks, reaching out, panicked. He looks too tired. Too sad. Jungkook makes him look like this.

"I'm okay now," Jungkook says, keeping his voice steady. He can't let go again. "I'm doing okay. I don't need you to do this anymore."

"Jungkook-ah - "

"I don't want to be here," Jungkook says, and everything shakes but he makes it clear. He doesn't have to be doing this anymore, trying to function for his friends. It's just made him end up right where he was always headed anyway. "I don't need you to worry about me."

"Are you - are you telling me to leave?"

He looks so heartbroken. The look in his eyes - Jungkook can't forgive himself for it. But at the same time, at the same time -

"I don't want to be your friend like - like this."

He's never meant something more in his entire life.

/

He calls Seokjin.

It's stupid, and he shouldn't - but sitting alone on the bus, hands shaking, all Jungkook can think of is that he wants someone. Anyone. Just a voice at the other end of the line.

Seokjin can't have thought of Jungkook as too much to handle.

He can't have, right?

The line rings forever. Seokjin doesn't pick up.

Jungkook presses his fingernails into his wrist, harder and harder, until the thin skin feels like it might give out.

Then he presses again.

Out of desperation, he calls Seokjin again.

It all makes sense now. Of course Jimin left because Jungkook was too much to handle. Of course Taehyung agreed. Of course they pushed him to live next door to Namjoon, even though the apartment was so shitty and Namjoon was barely ever home. Of course Hoseok doesn't expect a damned thing of Jungkook, not even for him to be there for one of his only friends.

Of course Yoongi has been watching, and waiting, for Jungkook to fall apart.

They all knew. They all agreed.

The phone rings over, and over. Again, Seokjin doesn't pick up.

With shaky fingers, Jungkook calls Dosan.

It's a stupid thing to do. It's the same mistake he's always made - he talks big about handling everything on his own and at the first sign of trouble he runs, desperate for someone, anyone, to get him out of his own fucking mess. He digs his fingers deeper into his skin, uncaring of the dark crescents they leave behind. If he wasn't in public he'd have scratched the skin into nothingness.

Dosan is just a friend. Just someone he's met recently. This is too much to ask of him, but Jungkook is desperate.

The phone rings forever again, and Dosan doesn't pick up either.

And that's it.

That's all the people he had left.

He drops his phone into his lap, pressing his face into his hands. He needs to breathe. He needs to get home. Then he can sleep, or die, or whatever the fuck.

He just needs to get out of public.

He can do that.

Jungkook has done much worse. He's stayed alive for this long, for one. He's let himself believe that he wasn't a freaking burden, for another.

He can make it to his own house. He can do that at least.

It seems forever until he gets off the bus, stumbling down the street. Everything is quiet, feels too far away. It's slower and faster and unreal. For a second, it's jarring that he's even here.

He fumbles in his pocket for his keys, holding onto the railing as he drags himself up the stairs. It's harder than it should be.

It's okay.

He's nearly made it.

He grips his keys tighter, and turns into the corridor, and -

There's someone in front of his door.

It's Yoongi.

He's standing there, with his phone pressed to his ear, looking panicked. Tired. His shoulders are tense but they slump in relief when he spots Jungkook, almost like - like he's been waiting for him.

"Jungkook-ah," he says, voice careful, quiet.

Jungkook doesn't want to see him.

He hates that he's here.

He hates that Jungkook is still here. Still so pathetic, when Yoongi has become - so much.

He's standing in front of Jungkook, relief in his face, but all Jungkook can think of is how it's been so long since they've been the same.

It's been so long since Jungkook hasn't been alone in the dark.

He doesn't realize he's crying until the tears drip onto his shirt.

"Jungkook-ah," Yoongi says, and his voice is so gentle. He reaches out, like he wants to drag Jungkook closer, and -

Jungkook gives in.

Maybe Yoongi has won. Maybe he's left Jungkook behind, turned into some hot shot producer, and outrun every one of his nightmares, but Jungkook - can't. Jungkook can't be more than this, and he's sick of pretending, and -

He gives in.

When Yoongi pulls him in, he lets him. He falls into his chest, burying his face in his shoulders. He's shaking, tears blurring his vision, but he tries not to make a sound.

Yoongi holds him tight, like he's scared he'll disappear. He buries his face in Jungkook's hair.

"We need to go inside," he whispers. "Jungkook-ah, do you have your keys? You'll get cold out here."

It makes him cry harder, because his apartment is a mess, it's shit, and Yoongi is going to take one look at it and know. He's going to know just how badly Jungkook has been doing at pretending, that he hasn't managed to be better at all, that Jungkook is still just- Jungkook. He's never going to be more than that.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles into Yoongi's shoulder. "I'm sorry, it all stinks, it's a mess - "

"It's okay," Yoongi says, still quiet, as he takes the keys from the death grip Jungkook has around them. "It's okay, yeah? It's too cold out here."

Yoongi unlocks the door, and pulls him inside.

The apartment is - a mess.

It's even worse than usual, trash scattered all over the floor. The papers stuck on the wall are peeling down from when Jungkook left the window open and the rain splattered inside. There's dirty clothes piled up everywhere and dust layered on every surface, and - it's a mess.

Yoongi doesn't say a thing.

He doesn't turn the lights on. Jungkook doesn't know why, or how he knew not to, but he leaves the lights off and settles Jungkook on the couch.

"I'll be back," he says, untangling himself from Jungkook for a second, and Jungkook stares after him, suddenly empty.

Suddenly alone all over again.

Yoongi is back though, in just a moment, holding a bottle of water out to him. "Drink," he says.

Jungkook shakes his head.

Yoongi falters a bit, but he holds it out again. "Jungkook, come on."

Jungkook shakes his head again, curling up deeper into the couch. Yoongi sets the bottle down, sitting down next to him, and holds out his arms.

Jungkook curls back into him again.

He's shaking so hard he's scared his heart will give out.

"It's okay to cry," Yoongi says, stroking his hair. "You've held it in for too long. You're okay."

He isn't okay.

Jungkook is never going to be okay, and it's the first time he's fully had to come to terms with it. There's no pretending his way out of this. There's no running fast enough. Jungkook is caught up in this forever. He's going to be - this - forever.

He pushes his face deeper into Yoongi's shirt, hoping he just fucking dies. Yoongi's arms tighten around him.

"I don't - I don't want to be like this," he whispers, between his tears.

"It's okay," Yoongi says anyway. "You'll be fine, it's okay."

"I don't mean to," Jungkook says. His voice is wet, his eyes shut tight. Everything hurts, everything spirals. "I don't want to bring everyone down. I know I need to change, I know I'm a shitty person, but I - I can't, hyung. I can't be better. I can't. This is all - this is all I can do."

It sinks in harder when he says it aloud - this really is all that he can do. Faking smiles and lying awake all night. Hoping for friends when all he gets is pity.

This is the best that Jungkook has.

Yoongi leans in, pressing his face into Jungkook's hair. It's probably dirty and disgusting but he doesn't seem to mind as he pulls Jungkook even closer, until they're barely different people.

"You aren't a shitty person," he says, his voice steady but soft. "It's not - all the things you're worried about, those aren't you. Jungkook-ah. Listen to me, yeah?"

Jungkook nods, shutting his eyes tighter.

"This isn't just you. The demons in your head are scared to let you kill them. And that's normal, okay? It's scary, because killing them feels like killing a part of yourself. That's scary as hell. But I promise you, you're still in there somewhere."

Jungkook shakes his head, tears leaking. He's heard this before. The fact that he isn't just - these things that are wrong with him, he isn't just this mess. But what Yoongi doesn't know is that there isn't anyone else under it. This is all that Jungkook has been since the day he was born. It's all he'll ever amount to.

"Maybe you don't remember," Yoongi says, and he sounds desperate for Jungkook to believe him. "Shit, I don't remember who the fuck I am. But I promise you, Jungkook, this isn't you. That's just what the demons tell you because they're afraid you'll get rid of them. They don't want to die, so they're trying to kill you instead."

Yoongi's fingers lift under his chin, trying to get him to face him. Jungkook lets him, but he doesn't dare open his eyes. He doesn't dare look at Yoongi's face.

Yoongi leans in, careful, pressing his lips to the top of Jungkook's head.

The tears slip out faster.

"I can't - I can't be better," he says again.

"You can't be better," Yoongi agrees. He brushes Jungkook's hair back, tucks Jungkook's head back under his chin. It feels safe, somehow, even as Jungkook shakes. Even while it feels like the hell inside him will never end. "You don't have to be. You're still in there, somewhere. We can fight it off."

"I'm not - I'm not anyone, hyung."

"You're Jungkook," Yoongi says, and - it sounds almost fierce. "You're Jungkook."

It shouldn't mean anything.

It - doesn't mean anything, but the way Yoongi says it, the way his fingers tighten in his shoulders, it makes Jungkook feel like maybe it should.

Maybe it could.

"You aren't here today because you aren't okay," Yoongi says. "You're here because you haven't given up yet. All this shit, all these days of wanting to die, but - you're still here."

"But why," Jungkook breaks out, voice shaking and wet. "Why - it doesn't matter, hyung. It - it doesn't matter if I'm here or not."

All he does is get in the way, and - it's not like he's even happy. His life isn't good for him, or for anyone else's, he could just be - gone.

"Of course it matters," Yoongi says. He presses his lips to Jungkook's head again, and - Jungkook is scared he's crying too. There's the slightest tremor in his fingers, the slightest shake in his voice. "Of course it matters, you - you're so important, and - I can't do this. I can't do this, Jungkook, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry."

Jungkook's fingers tighten in his shirt. "Hyung - "

Yoongi is crying now, openly, his arms shaking too much. His chest heaves, and he holds Jungkook like he's terrified if he lets go, it'll all be over. Jungkook has never seen him cry this much before, and he's scared to look. He doesn't want to see it, he knows he can't handle it.

"I can't let go of you," Yoongi says, between his gasps. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm - "

"Hyung," Jungkook tries, voice cracked - just desperate for him to stop.

Yoongi doesn't. If anything, he cries harder, and Jungkook curls into him, like maybe if they become one person they'll be okay. Maybe Jungkook will disappear, and only Yoongi will be left. Maybe everything will finally stop.

"I don't want you to go," Yoongi manages to say, and it breaks Jungkook's heart. "I can't - I can't do this. I'm so sorry."

They stay there, holding on to each other in the dark. The rain pours, and nothing gets better.

Neither of them lets go.

/

When Jungkook wakes up, he doesn't feel a thing.

He's tired. He's so tired, and he has no idea what time it is, but the insides of his chest are numb. Hollow.

He looks up, and Yoongi is asleep. His head is resting awkwardly on the backrest, tear tracks dried on his face. He looks exhausted, spent.

Jungkook's heart hurts.

He's - he's never seen Yoongi cry this much. He doesn't want it to ever happen again.

Yoongi is still holding him against his chest, even in his sleep. Jungkook shifts carefully, out from under his arms. Yoongi shifts, frowning a bit, but he doesn't wake up.

Jungkook is so tired.

He shifts off of the couch, and stands up, staring at Yoongi for a moment. At the boy he'd met so long ago, when both of them were just stumbling through each day. When Yoongi was just - Yoongi. The weird guy who lived a few doors away from him, who spilled hatred and anger into the world because he didn't know how else to deal with it.

That person, who somehow turned into the person in front of him now. A person who's held himself together for too long, faked too much.

For a lot longer than Jungkook has.

The room is dark. Jungkook doesn't know what time it is. It's dark outside, and there's the quiet patter of rain. Not too loud, not a storm. Just the steady, never ending quietness. Always falling, always there.

He puts his shoes on near the door, slipping outside. He shuts the door quietly behind him.

It's cold outside. Even the doorknob is freezing. It must be really late. Jungkook makes his way down the corridor quietly, and then goes up the stairs.

It's a long way to go. There are six floors above him. He holds his jacket tighter around him, and he climbs.

When he pushes the door open to the roof, the wind hits him in the face.

It's too cold. Too dark. The rain comes down slowly.

Jungkook shouldn't be here, not now.

But he can't think of anywhere else that he should be.

He goes over to the edge of the roof, and looks down.

Jungkook's apartment is in a quiet street. It's dimly lit, far from traffic. There isn't much to see when he looks down, except for the same emptiness he lives in every day. The same deserted roads, glistening in the rain.

The rain is seeping into his clothes, adding to the chill.

If he looks down, there's nothing to see, but if he looks further ahead - there's the rest of the city.

Bright lights, even now, late into the night. Too far for him to reach, too far for them to mean anything to him, but still there. Somewhere in the distance, a possibility.

He grips the edge of the wall, and lifts himself up, until he's standing on top of it. Carefully balancing himself.

It's dangerous. It's stupid, maybe.

He's cold and wet and barely awake.

But standing here, in the rain, and looking at all the lights in the distance, Jungkook feels like maybe - he's here. The whole world is quiet but he's here. It doesn't make a difference, really. He doesn't mean much. The lights are too far from him but he can see them. He can see them from how high up he is.

If he can see them - that means something, right?

"Jungkook-ah?" a voice calls behind him, worried, careful.

It's Yoongi.

Of course he knew where Jungkook would be. Of course.

Jungkook doesn't turn around. He tilts his head up, staring at the sky. The clouds are heavy, he can't see a thing in the rain. But this is where everyone looks, right? Everyone besides him looks up at the sky.

Surely there's something there. Something besides all the greys, all the blues. All the voids that Jungkook has lived in for far too long.

"Jungkook?" Yoongi tries again, and his voice sounds a little closer. "Jungkook, hey. What are you doing up there?"

There's an urge to lift his arms up. Up to the sky. To feel all of this, so fully and wholly.

I'm still here, Jungkook wants to say, to all the lights in the distance. You can't see me, but I'm still here.

"I'm not trying to die," he says, almost to himself.

He isn't. He really isn't.

He shuts his eyes, letting the rain fall in his face. The wall is solid, heavy at his feet, the sky too high up to reach.

In his world of greyness, of pale blues and no stars. Too far from all the little lights in the distance.

For the first time, Jungkook wants to be out there. He wants to be a part of it - whatever makes the rest of the world happy.

He doesn't want to just get through this. He doesn't want to just be okay.

He turns around, leaning down and stepping off the wall again. He doesn't meet Yoongi's eyes.

"Hyung," he says.

Yoongi seems to lose all the tension he'd been holding back. "What?" he asks, and his voice is tired. Relieved, but still on guard.

"I - " Jungkook hesitates. "I want to be happy."

He feels like a fool, saying the words out loud, and maybe - maybe that's what's wrong with him.

Maybe what's wrong is that he's never been able to think those words for himself without feeling like a fool.

He's never dared to want to be happy, because he's been so sure it wasn't meant for him to have.

Yoongi doesn't say anything for a long moment.

"Yeah?" he says at last.

"Yeah."

It's not enough to be okay. Jungkook can't be like this anymore. If he falls down one more time, Jungkook doesn't think he can get back up.

He has to realize at some point that he's crashed into too many dead ends to not - turn around.

"Okay," Yoongi says simply. "We'll get there."

Jungkook stops. "You think?"

"Yeah." Yoongi reaches out, taking Jungkook's hand in his. The rain is starting to come down a little harder, and Yoongi's hand is only as cold as Jungkook's is. "We've made it this far, anyway. Fucking happiness. Can't be too hard, we'll figure that out too."

Jungkook smiles despite himself. He fits his fingers between Yoongi's, and wonders if the rain will ever stop. "I don't think you're supposed to sound so pissed at it."

"I can want to be happy and be pissed at it too," Yoongi decides. "The point is that we try."

He tugs at Jungkook's arm, urging him back inside.

"Come on," he says.

Jungkook follows him in.

/

Chapter Text

Hi, hyung.

Sorry for sending a message this late - I hope it doesn't wake you up. I know I haven't replied to your texts recently and I'm sorry. I really am. I just need some time on my own for a while.

Please don't worry about me. I just need a break, I swear I'll be back to normal soon.

You won't see me or hear from me for a while. I'm sorry again. I hope you're doing well.

Good night! <3

/

"He hates me," Taehyung says, slumped against the table. "He hates me, hyung. Everyone hates me."

Yoongi takes a sip of his coffee. "Okay," he says. "But how did you even know that I eat here."

They're at the restaurant across the street from Yoongi's work place. Taehyung has never been here before, and Yoongi has never invited him. But today, after working in his studio since 4AM and finally remembering that he needs food to stay alive, Yoongi turned up at the restaurant for a quiet lunch and… found Taehyung waiting for him.

He looks miserable.

He looks tired, and exhausted, and it's a work day - Taehyung is supposed to be in school right now. But instead he's slumped against the table, plate of food pushed to the side, as he tells Yoongi about how much everyone apparently hates him.

A normal person would have texted. Or waited outside Yoongi's building. Or at least told Yoongi how he knew that he'd be here, but Taehyung ignores him every time he asks.

"He is my best friend," Taehyung says miserably. "I don't know why he always thinks that - that he's just second place to Jimin. Of course I love Jimin. But I love Jungkook just as much. Why can't he see that? Am I that bad at showing it?"

"Taehyung-ah," Yoongi tries, because he's honestly too stressed for this. "Jungkook doesn't hate you, he just said he needed time."

"Time for what?" Taehyung says. "Jungkookie hates being alone. You know he does. Why would he want time alone from all of us, unless he hates us?"

Honestly, Yoongi doesn't like to think about it.

So he doesn't think about it. He buries himself in work instead.

It's been a week since they'd all received a message from Jungkook. The content was the same for everyone but the wording changed, making it clear that he'd typed up the message personally for everyone.

The text was straightforward - it said that Jungkook didn't want to worry anyone, but that he wouldn't be responding to messages or phone calls or meeting up with anyone for a while. He needed some space to get through something he was dealing with, and to please not be offended.

They all got that message - Taehyung, Yoongi, Hoseok, Namjoon. Even Jimin.

Everyone except for Seokjin.

Yoongi tries not to think about that, because it makes his heart hurt in ways he doesn't understand. Because even after everything, only Seokjin was Jungkook's safe place.

Yoongi was still - what?

Too volatile? Too unreliable?

Too prone to jumping off a building himself?

It's something that keeps him awake at night.

But Yoongi had got the text, along with everyone else, and he'd stared at the message for about ten seconds before he replied with a firm no.

It had thrown Jungkook off, and he'd typed and typed for ages and then never replied to Yoongi at all. But Yoongi couldn't let that be, so he'd texted him again.

Because the worst thing is - Yoongi can't trust Jungkook anymore.

He doesn't trust him to stay alive.

You can't do that, he'd said. You don't need to have conversations with me, but I do need to know if you're alive or not.

Jungkook's reply had been clipped. I'm not going to kill myself, hyung.

That's great, but I need to be able to check on you.

You don't need to check on me.

Jungkook. Please. Just let me know if you're okay each day.

It took Yoongi a while to wear him down, but finally Jungkook agreed. They ended up with a whole system, where neither of them had to say a single word to each other.

At the end of the day, Yoongi would send him a question mark. His way of asking - are you still alive?

Jungkook would send him back a thumbs up.

(Yes, I'm still alive.)

That was the only interaction they'd been having for the past two weeks.

And apparently that was way more than he'd talked to Taehyung.

Taehyung doesn't stop muttering to himself, lost in his own misery. He mumbles about how he should have seen this coming, how there was no way he could have just brushed over why Jimin was distancing himself from them without it all eventually blowing up. He talks about how he's lonely too, that he misses Jungkook too, that he loves Jungkook as much as Jungkook loves him and he doesn't know what to do when he isn't around and why can't Jungkook see that, does he hate him that much now -

And Yoongi - Yoongi doesn't have anything to say.

He doesn't have a lot to say to anyone anymore.

So he sits there, carefully eating his own food, and lets Taehyung run himself dry. Until the younger boy is just staring unblinking out the window, a frown on his face from where he's slumped across the table.

"Taehyung-ah," Yoongi says at last. "He doesn't hate you. For sure. He's just really hurt and needs some time to sort through everything."

"I miss him," Taehyung says, almost to himself. "I'm losing my mind wondering if he's okay."

"He's fine," Yoongi says, but he isn't sure what fine means. Alive. In one piece. Not dead. "He's fine. Jin hyung promised to check on him."

"Yeah," Taehyung says, but he doesn't seem mollified.

Jin hyung promised to check on him.

It sets something ugly in Yoongi's stomach.

He hates that he feels it, that he could be jealous of Seokjin of all people, and for such a reason as this.

It's almost like it isn't enough for him that Jungkook will be okay, that he has someone he trusts to help him through it if he needs -

It isn't enough, because Yoongi wants to be that person.

He doesn't just want Jungkook to be alright. The ugliest, most pathetic part of him wants to be the person who can be there for him.

And for what? To save him? To give Yoongi's own messed up existence some kind of purpose?

Or is it just because he's so freaking lonely and he's desperate not to let go of the only person who's ever really understood him?

It hurts to think that while Jungkook understands him, he might not think that Yoongi understands him.

It makes Yoongi feel more alone than he ever did before.

/

Yoongi doesn't know why he drinks.

It's long stopped making him feel better.

The first time he touched alcohol, he was underage. His dad wasn't discreet about where he kept his stash - he'd even shout for Yoongi to pass him a bottle when he was too drunk to get up on his own.

Yoongi doesn't think about his father a lot.

He knows the man doesn't think about him either. It's unlikely he even remembers his name.

The first time Yoongi touched alcohol - he didn't drink it because he thought it would make him feel better. He knew it wouldn't.

He'd seen his father, drunk out of his mind, lying in a pathetic heap on the living room floor in his own misery.

He'd seen his brother kick the man out of the way whenever he could, because it was the only time he could get away with it - his father would have no memories of it when he woke up.

Yoongi would stare at the body on the floor, the man unmoving, unthinking, just - there in a pool of his own misery, moaning about how he wanted to die, and Yoongi would wonder why.

Why would he do this to himself?

What made this better than the rest of his life?

What was it about this feeling of being rotten and pathetic that was so damned appealing that he'd blow all of their savings on it and risk all their lives?

Nothing about alcohol looked great.

Nothing about misery looked attractive.

And still his father held on to it with a death grip.

The first time Yoongi drank, it was because he wanted to figure out why. He wanted to know what it was about the darkness that made it so damned attractive. So he sneaked out a bottle, and sat in the darkness of his room, and he drank.

It made him tipsy, and weird, and he didn't like it - but it didn't make him miserable. Not back then. Yoongi had abandoned the bottle halfway and not understood a thing.

It was much later that it all made sense to him.

After years and years of watching as nothing in Yoongi's life got better.

As the shadow followed him wherever he went. When he moved cities, when he moved countries, when he found parts of himself that other people could care about and parts of himself that he'd take to the grave.

And now he's here, hunched over the toilet, and he thinks he understands.

His father didn't love alcohol. It was just all he knew.

Yoongi isn't in love with his depression.

It's just all he knows.

He'd rather be here than anywhere else.

Maybe he wants to be here, face pressed against the toilet as he hopes nothing else comes back up - maybe he wants to be here, instead of safe with his friends, who Yoongi knows love him and care about him and want him to be okay.

Maybe he wants to be here instead of in his studio, working his way up to the top and making music that he loves.

He'd rather be here than with a boy who he may or may not be in love with, who Yoongi could lose at any time, in just a second.

Yoongi would rather have nothing than have something and lose it again.

It's past 3AM, he's had far too much to drink, but in the blurriness of his thoughts he thinks of that day on the roof top.

He thinks of Jungkook saying I want to be happy.

And Yoongi saying yes.

We'll figure it out.

What can be so hard about it?

Maybe that's the reason Jungkook went to Seokjin instead - he knows that Yoongi is a freaking liar.

Yoongi doesn't know how to save anyone, especially not himself.

/

It's starting to sink in that Yoongi doesn't really have a life.

He used to hang out at Hoseok's, back before Seokjin's wedding. He'd spend a lot of his nights with him saying that the man had a much better stash of alcohol, damned rich guy - and that was true, but for the most part it was because Yoongi was lonely.

There wasn't anything to do in his own apartment besides get drunk and hate himself. At least over at Hoseok's house, there was someone else there with him while he did it.

But things have been - uneasy, between him and Hoseok for a long time. They haven't set anything right after Seokjin's wedding. The tension only got worse after Jungkook shut them all out, everyone blaming each other in their own way to hide their worry.

So messages with Hoseok aren't hostile, but they're uncomfortable. Like there's an elephant hanging over them each time they talk.

Yoongi hasn't gone over to his house in more than a month.

He doesn't talk to Seokjin a lot anymore either.

Seokjin is busy. He makes a big deal of saying that he isn't but he is, he's still settling in to a whole new life and a new job here in Seoul, and trying to live with someone he barely knows. He's busy, and the random phone calls that he used to spring up on Yoongi don't happen. Instead he gets late night texts that are carefully phrased, so clearly a conscious effort to stop himself from asking did I make a horrible mistake.

He doesn't talk a lot to Seokjin anymore either.

That leaves him with Namjoon.

Yoongi doesn't talk to Namjoon enough on a good day. And now, when he barely gets through as is - he doesn't text Namjoon at all.

It's strange, that it's only been a few months of being around Jungkook again, and already Yoongi doesn't have a life outside of him.

Without Jungkook around - Yoongi doesn't have anything to do.

He doesn't have someone to care about, to think about all day, to drive himself insane trying to figure out.

Without Jungkook around he just sort of exists.

Kicking at rocks on the ground on his way home, thinking about what Jungkook might be doing. Has he made it to work today? Has he made it out of bed? Has he talked to Seokjin? Has he wanted to die?

Yoongi kicks the rocks into the road as he walks by. Any of his friends would have told him off for it, but he doesn't really care.

Maybe he could go see Jungkook.

It's not like - it's not like the younger boy would stop him. He'd probably let Yoongi in.

If Yoongi told him look. I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't know how to live inside my own head.

Please let me care about you because there's nothing else I can do with myself.

Jungkook would think he was crazy, but he'd probably let him in.

But Yoongi shouldn't do that to him.

It's precisely why he's pushed Yoongi aside in the first place, Yoongi thinks - because Yoongi can't look at Jungkook's problems and not turn them into something about himself. Jungkook wants to die, and the only reason Yoongi can think of for him not to do it is -

I don't think I can live if you're gone.

And that's selfish. It's disgusting.

Jungkook is right to distance himself from him.

But Yoongi can't come up with a reason for Jungkook's life being worth living, not when he can't do it for himself. Yoongi is alive because he is. He just happened to not die yet. And things would probably be a lot greater for him if he was dead.

Who is he to tell Jungkook that there's some roundabout meaning to life, when Yoongi can't think of one?

He kicks another rock into the road.

Maybe he doesn't have to see Jungkook - he could just drop by.

He could buy him something to eat and leave it outside his door. That can't be forbidden, right? Jungkook won't even need to see him.

Jungkook has done it himself, countless times, when Yoongi locked himself up in his room and refused to show his face to anyone. Over and over he'd find a bag of food hanging on his doorknob, and a simple text of I've left food outside your door, I hope you're okay.

It can't be a bad thing to do.

Maybe - maybe Jungkook will open the door for him.

Maybe not.

But just leaving food for him can't be a bad thing to do.

/

He buys lamb skewers at the place that he took Jungkook to eat a couple of times. The woman running the place looks surprised to see him there alone, since Yoongi only ever goes out to eat with Jungkook or Hoseok.

"Where's your friend?" she asks, with a smile.

"He's busy," Yoongi says, unsure of which friend she's talking about. "I wanted to buy him dinner."

"None for yourself?" she asks when Yoongi places an order for one.

He shakes his head.

He doesn't think he can stomach food. Not when he has a long night ahead of him with his head hanging over the toilet.

He waits outside while she packs his order, uneasy standing in the crowded place. He isn't usually turned off by crowds - he doesn't like them but he can stand them. But lately everything has been pulling on the last of the nerves holding Yoongi together.

Everything seems far too close to his last straw.

When his order is ready, he goes back in to take it, and then he sets off to the bus stop. He's used to the route to Jungkook's place. He went over enough times when Seokjin was rooming with him, and then sometimes when he'd drop Jungkook off at the end of the night.

It's a little sad that Yoongi lived two doors down from Jungkook for a full two years, and yet Jungkook has stayed the night more often with Seokjin than with Yoongi.

Even back when they were in college, he'd stay over at Hoseok's and Seokjin's place easily. But never at Yoongi's.

Maybe it was because his room wasn't far, maybe it was because it was Yoongi.

Yoongi doesn't know.

The street that Jungkook lives in is quiet. Yoongi is the only person walking down the sidewalk, the streetlights dim and ready to go out. He reaches Jungkook's apartment and takes the stairs quickly, up to his floor, and stops at the door he knows is Jungkook.

The lights are on inside.

That's a start, maybe.

Jungkook never turns the lights on if he can help it, he prefers to stay in the dark and just try to sleep and fail at it.

But the lights are on inside, which means he's trying. Trying at what, Yoongi doesn't know, but still trying.

He leaves the plastic bag of food hung over the doorknob. The temptation to knock is strong, to just go in and see Jungkook's face after it's been so long, almost three weeks since Yoongi has seen him, but he can't.

He'll leave him a text to say that the food is here, and that's that.

Or he could leave a note.

Yoongi shuffles in his pockets, for the receipt, and then takes the pen he always carries around from his front pocket.

He crouches on the floor, flattening the receipt over his thigh to write on it.

There's food outside, he writes in careful letters. Hope you're okay.

And then, because he's afraid Jungkook might not recognize his handwriting after all these years -

(It's Yoongi hyung.)

Then he slides the note under the door.

It takes him back to so long ago, when Jungkook was no one to him but the weird kid who wouldn't stop leaving him gifts under his door to make up for the day that Yoongi found him in the rain and gave him dinner.

Maybe things would have been easier, if that was all they ever meant to each other.

Yoongi might have burned out and amounted to nothing, his music never reaching across anywhere. He might have given up, like he maybe should have, and moved back home, getting a job at a convenience store and spending his evenings in a house where everyone hated each other, prying bottles of alcohol out of the hands of a father who barely remembered him.

But at least it would have been an end.

There wouldn't have been any hope after that.

Yoongi would have known that that was his life, that he'd never be more, and he'd have lived with it. Or died with it. Whatever.

Instead of being here, sliding notes under Jungkook's door, in hopes that someday he'll get to feel okay again.

"Yoongi?"

Yoongi starts.

It's Namjoon.

He's standing outside his door, like he was on his way somewhere and got confused once he spotted Yoongi. He stares at him for a moment, and then his face hardens a little, like it does before he tells him off.

"I'm not here to see him," Yoongi says immediately. "Really."

"I'm not accusing you," Namjoon says, a little amused, but he definitely was accusing him. "What are you here for?"

"Dropping off food."

"Ahhh."

Namjoon nods, shutting his door and locking it behind him.

"Where are you off to so late?" Yoongi asks.

"Needed to clear my head," Namjoon says. "I thought I'd take a walk."

"To?"

"Anywhere."

Yoongi stares at him for a moment, biting his lip.

Namjoon beats him to it before he can ask.

"You want to join me?"

"Yes," Yoongi says, in something like relief. "Please."

/

They end up at the park.

The moon is bright tonight, shining full and high, casting a whitish glow over everything. They'd walked around a bit until they'd tired themselves out, and now they're on the grass, slightly damp from the recent downpour.

Namjoon is sitting up, cross legged, his hands holding his shoelaces, but Yoongi is spread out across the floor. His head is propped on his bag as a makeshift pillow, but that doesn't change how dirty it all is, his coat and clothes getting mud and dirt all over.

But Yoongi doesn't care.

"I don't know what I'm doing," he says honestly, in a way he wouldn't dare to tell anyone besides Namjoon.

There's something that makes it easy to talk to him, because of how Namjoon doesn't have the sort of hopes for him that everyone else does.

Namjoon respects him, even cares for him in his own quiet way, but he never thinks that Yoongi is right.

"You seem to be doing okay," Namjoon says, as if he's talking to the sky.

And that’s the thing, maybe.

Yoongi tried so hard to make it look like he was doing okay.

"You know what I did, for those two years in Iceland?" Yoongi asks.

Namjoon shakes his head.

"I did nothing. I did shit. I just got through each day in hopes that someday it would be over and you know what kept me going?"

"No."

"Jungkook," Yoongi says, and it's the first time he admits it out loud.

It's the first time he dares to.

The words don't strike him the way he expected them to, they're just - defeated. A messed up sort of truth.

Namjoon doesn't react, or seem surprised. Yoongi doesn't look at him, keeping his eyes on the sky.

"I don't even know what I thought," Yoongi says, to himself. "I wanted to be okay so I could show him we could do it, you know? That there was hope. If I could do it, he could do it. Some fucked up shit like that. But also - I just wanted to see him. I just wanted to meet him again and know that I wasn't alone."

"Do we make you feel alone?" Namjoon asks quietly.

Yoongi considers it for too long.

"I think so," he says at last. "You're - okay. You get through. You manage, somehow."

"You've been getting through too," Namjoon says. "Better than you used to."

Yoongi thinks about how long it's been since the last time he slept.

The last time he didn't drink himself into a stupor.

"I'm not," he says. "I'm not."

Namjoon is quiet for far too long. So long that Yoongi thinks he's given up on the conversation.

"Do you like him?" he asks at last.

It's the last question he expected Namjoon to ask.

Yoongi doesn't know how to answer it.

He asks himself this every day - what does he feel for Jungkook? Does he like him? Is he obsessed with him? Is he just desperate to save him?

But the more Yoongi thinks about it, the more he realises that it might be more simple than he thought.

"I don't know," Yoongi says honestly. "I think I might."

I'm scared I might.

Because Yoongi is too selfish to be in love with someone like Jungkook. Too desperate to hold him close. If it came down to it, if it came down to letting Jungkook be okay or keeping him close - like now, when Jungkook has clearly said he needs space to get better - Yoongi doesn't think he has the strength to deal with it.

He's lost enough in his own head to think that somehow, Yoongi could make things better, that Jungkook should stick to him, that they can find their way out together but not alone.

He's lost enough to think, I could save you.

He couldn't, he knows he can't, but in his desperation he thinks he has more of a chance than anyone else.

"What does it matter though," he says, to the sky. The stars are so bright tonight, as if it isn't going to rain all over again tomorrow. "It doesn't make a difference if I like him or not."

"I think it does," Namjoon says. "Sometimes all you can really do for someone is love them."

Yoongi doesn't answer.

"What have any of us done for each other?" Namjoon asks. "We've known each other for years now. Me, you, Hoseok, Jin hyung. None of us are doing great. None of us are where we want to be. What have we done for each other, really?"

Yoongi opens his mouth to say something, but he can't. Because - in a way Namjoon is right. They've been there for each other when they could, done little things to make each other smile, held them close in the dark, but none of them could fight each other's demons for them.

No matter how much they wanted to.

"None of us have saved each other, right?" Namjoon says. "But would you say we didn't make a difference?"

Of course not.

Yoongi still thinks of the moment he first met Hoseok as his second chance at life.

The moment he met Jin, as his second chance at a family.

Namjoon - the first time he had to look at himself and realize maybe I could live instead of pour out blood to survive.

The moment he met Jungkook -

The moment he met Jungkook.

Yoongi's first chance at hope.

At happiness.

"It did make a difference," Yoongi says quietly, almost to himself.

"You see?" Namjoon says. "We all just sort of - love each other. But it's the most we can do."

/

"Yoongi hyung?"

Yoongi starts, nearly falling out of his chair.

He'd dozed off a bit in his studio, head against the back of his seat, headphones around his neck. They'd been pressed uncomfortably into his skin and he pulls them off, trying to blink himself awake.

It isn't like him to fall asleep in the middle of the day like this - but at some point Yoongi's body had to give up. There's only so long he can go with this fucked up sleep schedule.

He turns around, still blinking, to see who woke him up.

It's Jihoon, one of the trainees. The one who follows Yoongi around wherever he goes.

"Jihoon-ah," he says, a little surprised. His voice comes out raspy from sleep. "Don't you have vocal lessons now?"

Jihoon shakes his head. "It's Friday, hyung."

"It's Friday?" Yoongi asks, genuinely surprised. He thought it was Thursday. Shit, he really does have to get himself together.

Maybe he'll have to go back to slashing lines across a calendar to keep track.

Jihoon steps inside, a little hesitant. He's a quiet kid, eager to please. He sets a carton of coffee down on Yoongi's desk and looks at him with a smile.

"You seemed really tired," he says. "I got you coffee."

"You shouldn't have," Yoongi says, a little scolding. "I would have just made some here."

"Ahhh no, I wanted to," Jihoon says, his smile a little more nervous.

Yoongi sighs, already reaching for his wallet. He can't have someone buy coffee for him and not pay him back.

"Noooo," Jihoon says immediately, waving his hands in front of him frantically. "Don't pay me, hyung, it was my treat!"

Yoongi frowns at him. "I'm older than you," he deadpans. "What are you treating me for."

"For - for being nice to me!"

Yoongi's eyebrow twitches, but he can't help the fondness in his chest.

And then he stops, because -

It's been too long since he felt something like that.

Such a simple feeling, but it's been far too long.

His hands pause over the bills he was about to pull out, and he pushes them back into his wallet.

"Fine then," he says, setting his wallet back on the table. "I won't pay you back. I'll buy you dinner instead, okay?"

Jihoon's face lights up. "Yes!"

"Come back here after training, we'll order something in. I can call some of the other guys too."

"Oh - oh. Sure, hyung."

When he leaves, Yoongi doesn't get back to work. He leans back in his chair, facing the ceiling, and wonders what the fuck he's doing.

Because for a moment he'd wondered what it would be like, to love someone who didn't want to die.

Someone who was okay.

And Yoongi has never hated himself more.

/

It's been a long time since Yoongi worked on something personal.

Almost all the music he makes is for work. And he does a lot of work, pouring out tracks every day, sending them off to his superiors and building his portfolio. But it's been a long time since he sat and made something for himself, something that he wanted to say. Something specific that he needed to get out of him before it burned him alive.

Maybe it's the lack of sleep catching up to him, maybe it's the fact that Yoongi is just so lonely and he's starting to lose his mind not knowing what Jungkook is up to - but he sits on the floor of his living room and powers up his laptop.

It's two, maybe three in the morning, and he has a half finished bottle of alcohol next to him. He's considered that maybe the sheer amount that he's been drinking these days has something to do with how he can never keep track of what day it is. It's probably worrying, but Yoongi pushes it aside.

It's an odd experience making music while he's drunk.

He should make all of his music when he's drunk.

The words fly out faster than he can think of them, the track seems to write itself.

Yoongi writes about the shadow.

He writes about how it's his friend.

He writes about how it follows him everywhere, how it follows everyone he's ever meet. How it doesn't matter how much he wants to reach out towards something, the shadow is reaching out right alongside him.

You can't save anything when the darkness follows everything you touch.

You sure as hell can't save yourself.

But when there's nothing left for you but the shadow - why would you want to lose it?

How could you claw off a part of yourself in hopes that it might get rid of the rot in your soul?

What if it's the only part of yourself that exists?

Yoongi doesn't think it is, he knows it is. He's pretended long enough that it isn't, that there's a Min Yoongi outside all the darkness, but there isn't.

It's just - him.

This ugly rotted soul trying to blend in enough with everyone else, just to get through the day.

Yoongi's doorbell rings, and it doesn't even occur to him that he should wonder who it is.

He keeps writing, keeps adding to his track. The music is loud and blaring, the sort of thing he'd write in his first year of college, when the only emotion that he ran on was anger.

Yoongi doesn't feel anger now, not really.

All he does is run empty.

He's sick with the urge to be anyone else, to be anywhere else. To be gone. Not dead, just gone. He's sick of feeling things, he's sick of hope, he's sick of the monotonous never ending cycle of trying to keep going each day in hopes of things getting better.

The second time the doorbell rings, he stops.

He slips his headphones off, frowning. A glance at his screen tells him it's 3AM, far too late for anyone to be ringing his doorbell.

Then his phone buzzes, and Yoongi takes one look at the notification and his heart stops.

It's Jungkook.

He's up on his feet before he's even read the message. He nearly trips once, a little too drunk, but he makes it to the door without falling, undoing the latches over the door.

When he opens it -

Jungkook is right there.

Standing on Yoongi's doorstep, where he's never been before.

He looks exhausted, bags under his eyes like he hasn't slept in days. He smiles, or tries to, but it comes out awkward and a little scared.

"I'm sorry," he says instantly.

"What," Yoongi says, unsure of what's even happening.

"I shouldn't have turned up without telling you," he says. "I - I should have asked first, I'm sorry hyung - "

"I don't mind," Yoongi cuts in, scanning him worriedly. He doesn't look like anything has gone wrong, but Yoongi can't tell. Jungkook is shaking a little, but he's nervous over all sorts of things - Yoongi doesn't know if that's what brought him here.

"I knew I wouldn't have come if I'd tried to ask you first," Jungkook says, and he sounds a little breathless, like he's minutes away from a panic attack. "And - and you need to know that you can say no, for sure, I can always go back, I - a friend said I could stay with him for a while if I wanted and I could ask Taehyung hyung too if I need to - "

"Jungkook," Yoongi says, even more worried. He has no idea what he's talking about. "Listen, I'm not mad at you. I'm glad you're here. But you need to tell me what's going on."

"I - " Jungkook hesitates, like he's genuinely considering stepping back and going back home. "It's nothing, I'm sorry, I'll just go - "

He takes a step back and Yoongi reaches out without thinking, grabbing him by the wrist.

Jungkook stops, wide eyed.

Yoongi keeps his grip lose, so that he could pull away if he needed to, but - he hopes he doesn't.

He doesn't want Jungkook to leave.

Not again.

"What's wrong?" he asks, trying to keep his voice steady.

Jungkook shifts, eyes darting between Yoongi's hand and the door.

"Can I stay here for a few days?" he asks at last, voice far too shaky.

Yoongi starts. "Of course."

"You mean it?" Jungkook asks, stumbling over his words out of hope. "You don't have to say yes just because I'm here, I really do have other places to go to, I promise, if you aren't comfortable I swear I can stay with someone else - "

Yoongi is far too sleep deprived to process any of this. All he can really understand is that Jungkook is at his door, Jungkook wants to stay with him, and that Jungkook is scared he'll tell him to leave.

When it's Yoongi who's always scared that he'll leave.

As if Yoongi would ever want him to leave.

He tugs on Jungkook's wrist, a gentle pull, trying to convince him to come inside. "Come on," he says. "I'll set up the other mattress for you."

"You really don't mind?"

Yoongi stops, to really look at him.

He wonders sometimes, how Jungkook still doesn't seem to know what he means to him.

How Yoongi had held him through some of his worst moments and cried like it was Yoongi who had nearly died, about how he couldn't stand the thought of Jungkook leaving him -

Yoongi blinks the thoughts away.

"Of course I don't mind," he says. "I'd have been offended if you went anywhere else."

"Oh," Jungkook says, like this is news to him.

"You had trouble sleeping alone?" Yoongi asks, as he shuts the door behind them. "Are you - how are you doing?"

Jungkook shrugs, halfhearted. "It was too quiet," he said. "I got lonely, I think."

"I'm not great company," Yoongi admits. The bottles of alcohol on the floor are a bit of a dead giveaway. He has the sudden urge to swipe them under the couch but Jungkook is already eyeing them like he's trying to figure out what kind of life Yoongi is living.

"I just - wanted to see you," Jungkook says, quiet. "Sorry."

"Stop apologizing," Yoongi says.

He ignores what the words make him feel.

All you can do is love someone, Namjoon had said.

Yoongi thinks he can do that, at least.

/

Chapter Text

The internet tells Jungkook to exercise regularly.

Actually the internet tells him to do a lot of things. It tells him to meditate, to stick to a sleep schedule, to socialize with his friends and eat three healthy meals per day. It tells him to 'open up to someone' about his mental struggles, and to accept that a lot of what's wrong in his life is not actually his fault, but is still his responsibility. It tells him to summon a shit ton of money out of nowhere and sign up for therapy.

The internet tells him to do a lot of things, in bright colours and fancy fonts with introductory paragraphs such as once, when I was younger, there were days that I too couldn’t get out of bed -

It's all stupid advice. Condescending, ridiculous, and somehow assuming that everyone in the world has been depressed in the exact same way, and that getting through it gives you the right to look down on anyone else who hasn't for not 'wanting to be okay enough'.

It's all stupid.

Jungkook hates it.

But he follows it all anyway.

He wakes up at six every morning, after hours of trying his best to sleep. He brushes his teeth, heats milk on the stove. He drinks a full glass of it, even when it doesn't sit right in his stomach.

He goes to work. He smiles at everyone he knows, pushes himself into conversations that he doesn't want to be a part of. He eats lunch. A good, healthy lunch. He works hard, even when the numbers swim in front of him and spell out the fact that he wasn't built to be an engineer.

He goes out with his coworkers, has a good healthy dinner.

Then he comes back home.

He doesn't need to tell Namjoon to eat without him, because he's told Namjoon that he won't be eating with him for a long while.

He doesn't hang out with Taehyung, because he's told Taehyung he won't see him for a long time either.

Instead, he goes to his apartment, changes out of his clothes, and he works out.

It's boring, repetitive, and sometimes makes him want to cry. It's so hard, when his bed is right in the other room and all Jungkook wants to do is curl up in the soft covers and die.

But the internet tells him that regular exercise can change everything about you!! and Jungkook wants to not want to die.

So he plays loud, loud music, about we'll survive everything and the world is ours, and he works out.

Fake it till you make it, or some shit like that.

It's exhausting.

It doesn't make sense.

But Jungkook does it anyway.

When he's done, he takes a shower, and then he falls into bed. The internet tells him to meditate, to maybe call a friend, to watch a feel good show, but Jungkook can't do anything more than this. He's already pushing it.

It's taking him everything he has to keep putting one foot after the other - he should be allowed a little time to play dead.

So he lies in bed, curled up in the dark, and hopes for sleep, waiting for the tell tale ping of his phone.

It's Yoongi. Every night, it's always Yoongi.

When Jungkook sent everyone a message saying that they wouldn't see him for a long while, that he needed time to get his life together - everyone else had said okay, but Yoongi had replied with a resounding no.

Jungkook hadn't even realized that someone could say that. He'd just assumed that the logical answer would have to be okay.

But Yoongi just said no.

So now, each night Jungkook gets this message from him - a simple question mark. Almost like clockwork, but each day a little earlier, like Yoongi is slowly starting to lose the ability to wait till the end of the day.

It's a simple message, a badly disguised are you still alive?

And Jungkook gives him a thumbs up.

Sometimes, he considers not doing it.

He lies awake, staring at the ceiling when he should be sleeping, and he wonders what would happen if he didn't reply. Would Yoongi call him? Text him again? Turn up at his door like he did the last time he thought Jungkook was in trouble?

Jungkook had said he didn't want to see anyone, but - the truth is that he's lonely.

He's lonely, but he knows he can't keep crawling back to his friends like this, not before he's fixed his own fucking problems.

He wants to be a functional human being worthy of being someone's friend, who doesn't make them so miserable that they need to spend months and years away from him.

He doesn't want to ever see Yoongi cry like that again.

But - he's still lonely. Maybe a little desperate.

And the desperate part of him wants Yoongi to turn up at his door. It wants to ignore one of his messages, or reply just a little too late - in hopes that Yoongi will want to see him.

But he can't do that to Yoongi.

He can't make this any worse for him.

So he smacks his head into his pillow, sends Yoongi a thumbs up, and then goes back to wishing he was dead.

He can do this.

Fake it till you make it.

Jungkook will make himself be okay.

/

Surprisingly, after the first week - the person who texts him the most is Jimin.

Each message that Jungkook gets from him is followed up with you don't have to reply of course. The messages are random and never really about anything - random snippets about Jimin's day, or a movie rec, or a song he'd heard and liked. He texts Jungkook with a sort of ease that he didn't have before, back when each message was an apology.

Now he texts him like he used to back when they could still call themselves best friends - like he had a thought and needed Jungkook to be a part of it, and it didn't matter to him whether Jungkook replied or not because it was a solid truth that Jungkook loved him.

At first, it makes Jungkook angry.

It pisses him off that Jimin could do this, could text him so easily, when Jungkook had told him that he didn't want to speak to him for the foreseeable future.

Was he trying to guilt him?

Was he trying to prove that Jungkook was the asshole in this situation?

Had Taehyung told him what they'd argued about? Was he trying to make it clear that all the blame was on Jungkook?

It pisses him off at first.

But then, as weeks pass, and the days only get lonelier - Jungkook starts to look forward to it.

He sits in front of his computer at work, heart rate insane because he doesn't know half the things he's expected to know - and he stares at his phone, hoping it'll light up.

He eats with his coworkers at the end of the day, smiling at jokes that he didn't quite catch because sometimes focusing is too hard, but everyone else is smiling so he probably should smile too, and he holds his phone a little tighter hoping it pings, that Jimin says anything, that Jungkook has something to take himself out of this moment for just a second.

He shouldn't feel like this. Jimin hates him. He said it to his face.

But Jungkook is so lonely.

He's trying his best, but everything is empty. He just wants to feel something, wants to feel loved, like someone cares, and maybe they already do but Jungkook is the sort of pathetic person who can't tell if someone cares unless they sit next to him and tell him that, he's such a fucking high maintenance friend, no wonder Jimin needed space from him -

Look at him now, making such a big deal of needing space from everyone to fix himself and doing nothing but faking smiles and daydreaming about dying.

Jungkook is hopeless. Everyone on the internet is a fucking liar, he's hopeless and his life is over and there's nothing he can do about it.

But reading Jimin's messages, he can pretend that he made a difference in someone else's life. That if Jungkook does figure out his shit and stay alive, someone would be a little less sad because of it.

He knows it isn't true.

All of his friends could go ages without thinking of Jungkook, or remembering he exists - his fourth year in college was proof of that. He barely heard from Hoseok, almost never from Yoongi, and Jimin would appear and disappear, until slowly he faded out entirely.

There was Taehyung, who stuck by him because Jungkook was too freaking sad - but to be honest, if Jungkook was gone, nothing would really change for him. Or for anyone.

It would just be a huge burden taken off of everyone's chests.

They wouldn't need to worry about him if he wasn't there to worry about.

"Jungkook-ah?"

He starts.

Dosan is watching him, a little worried, from across the table.

"Hyung?"

"Are you okay?"

Every moment of Jungkook's life, is a conscious decision.

A decision of keep going like you can stay alive or fuck it all and burn it down to ashes.

It would be so easy to say no. To slam his notebook on the floor, and push his keyboard aside and say he doesn’t know this stuff, he never did, he's an idiot who flunked in college and there's no hope for him, and that expecting him to be better isn't going to magically give him the ability to be better -

But it's also just as easy to say yes.

"I'm fine, hyung."

"Are you sure? You want a break?"

"No, I'm fine, really."

I want to die.

I don't want to be better, I want to die.

"Okay," Dosan says, but he looks a little worried still. "Let's go out for lunch, okay? Might make you feel better. I'll pay."

"Can I come too?" another coworker asks instantly, looking up with shining eyes.

"No," Dosan says, shutting him down without a care.

The other boy whines a bit, but he doesn't argue. The group is used to this, by now, to seeing Dosan randomly dragging Jungkook out of the building.

The way that Jimin used to.

Jungkook's phone pings, screen lighting up for a second with a new message.

It's probably Jimin.

He hopes it is.

Jungkook is so pathetic.

/

I want to be happy.

It sounds like such an absurd thing to want to be.

Jungkook types it into the search bar of his phone sometimes, just to see more self help shit, telling him that he should make sure he's getting enough vitamins and enough sunlight and about eight hugs every day -

Happiness shouldn't be this hard.

Honestly, Jungkook thinks most people just don't get to be happy. It's probably just the lucky ones, a select few, but they talk about it so damned much that the rest of the world assumes that it must be the norm.

It must be the ideal.

If the only ones who talk about their feelings are the ones who are doing fine - then it's far too easy to assume that everyone is doing fine.

It's at times like this that Jungkook understands what Yoongi was on, when they first met. How he could stand up in front of a room full of people and spit words about how fucked they all were, about how everything was hopeless and dark and terrible and they were fools for pretending hope could be a real thing.

It makes sense, that Yoongi wanted everyone to hurt, because - there's this awful thought at the back of Jungkook's head that other people don't.

That other people are fine.

They have their problems, they have things holding them back, but they wake up in the morning and it doesn't make them want to burst into tears.

Every single day, Jungkook wishes he doesn't wake up.

Every single day, he does.

And he envies the people who aren't like that. The people who can write articles saying have a healthy diet, exercise regularly, get eight hours of sleep and you'll be fine!!

The first trick to being happier is to get these hormones running through your body!!

Lying down in bed isn't going to make that happen!!

He wants to throw a brick in their faces and tell them that if he could get out of bed he would have been freaking getting out of bed.

So he gets what Yoongi meant. He gets it.

He doesn't want to be happy, he doesn't think he can be. He just - he wants everyone to get that.

He wants them to realize that some of them are never going to be okay, and that it isn't fair that those people just have to die.

Or keep living.

Just faking it until everything fades out and there's nothing left of Jungkook to want to be fine anymore.

It's 2AM, he should be asleep, but Jungkook is staring at his ceiling. His ugly, white ceiling, with paint peeling off, that he wouldn't have had to live under if his friends hadn't been so sure that he was a useless waste of space who needed to live next to Namjoon so that Namjoon could take care of him.

His ceiling is so ugly.

His walls are so ugly.

Everything about Jungkook's apartment is so freaking ugly.

He's rolling out of bed before he can tell himself to stop.

It's 2AM, Jungkook has work in the morning, and he needs to go to sleep, but he's digging under his bed for his box of supplies that he hasn’t touched in far too long. He gets what Yoongi meant, when he made music that no one wanted to listen to. He gets it, because Jungkook has things to say that he knows no one will want to hear.

His cans of paint are half empty, some of them dried out, but he shakes water into them and hopes for the best. He doesn't bother spreading out newspapers, just drags out a sheet of paper and starts to paint.

His hands shake, with how long it's been.

He's been trying so hard to stick to his routine, to try and be better and pass for functional, that Jungkook had stopped doing this.

He paints angry lines, angry colours, dark echoes of how can anyone not be miserable.

How can you not be?

It's not fair that I was born wrong.

He thinks of what Yoongi had said all those days ago, about a shadow, about accepting it.

Living as a part of it.

He thinks of all the stuff he'd read, about how his life isn't his fault but is still his responsibility to fix.

He mixes terrible colours, with a brush he hadn't bothered washing properly the last time, and he paints.

/

It's 9PM when Jungkook's door bell rings.

He's already in bed, with an anime playing on his phone that he isn't even watching. He's changed into his sleep clothes, brushed his teeth, and is on his way to being dead to the world.

But the door bell rings, shaking anxiety back into him.

It can't be Namjoon. Namjoon never rings the doorbell, because he's learned over time that the sound of it sends Jungkook into a panic. But it's 9PM, too late for anyone to be turning up at his door, it can't be the building manager or a neighbour or anyone else -

The door bell rings again, and Jungkook sits up, heart beating too fast.

The worst part about living alone, is having to open the door.

Or he could just lie here, and pretend he's asleep, and hope that the person goes away -

The bell rings again.

Jungkook fumbles on his bed, for his hoodie, and pulls it on over his clothes - the only attempt he can make to look semi decent. He's still in his shorts, but that's okay, if everything goes well Jungkook can peek through the peep hole and then come back to bed.

He shuffles into the living room, careful to keep his footsteps quiet, and then carefully, carefully squints through the eye hole on the door -

And there, with a plastic cover in his hand, dressed in a suit of all things - is Kim Seokjin.

/

"Did you eat?" Seokjin asks urgently, once Jungkook opens the door.

He doesn't say hi, or hello, or I haven't seen you in more than a month, isn't it cool that we're still alive. He looks exhausted, his tie hanging loose around his neck and some of his buttons undone.

"Uhhh," Jungkook says.

"Please tell me you didn't eat."

"I ate…?"

Seokjin looks almost heartbroken, the arm that's holding the plastic bag sagging a little. "I knew I should have called first," he says, almost to himself.

"I - uhh."

It still hasn't occurred to Jungkook that he should be letting Seokjin in.

Jungkook had sent that message saying that he wouldn't be around for a while to a lot of people - to all of his friends, except the ones that he worked with. All of them, except for Seokjin.

Even now, he can't really explain why.

Maybe it was because - Seokjin wasn't quite in a good place yet. Maybe he thought he wanted to be there if his senior ever needed him.

But honestly - it was probably because Jungkook couldn't bear to cut off the last safe space that he had.

A part of him knew that he sucked at being alone - and it told him that it was okay to keep just one friend. What was the harm? Seokjin was busy anyway.

And now Seokjin is here, at his door, at 9PM, upset that Jungkook has eaten without him for some reason.

"The restaurant had the best lamb skewers," Seokjin says, and then he gestures inside with the bag he's holding, as if ushering Jungkook into his own home. Jungkook shuffles back, with one hand still on the door, to let Seokjin in. "I knew you'd like them. Are you sure you can't eat any more? They're really good."

Seokjin seems at ease in Jungkook's apartment - he's lived here for quite a while after all. Jungkook never thought that he'd be good at living with a roommate but he and Seokjin actually had fun.

Before it all went to shit, at least.

Jungkook shuts the door softly behind him. "I could eat, I guess?"

"Yes," Seokjin says, sounding far too proud of Jungkook for it. "You'll love them, I'm sure."

He sets the bag on the coffee table and pulls his tie off entirely, and then pulls off his blazer as well.

Then he sinks into Jungkook's sofa, letting out a heavy sigh, as if he's finally come home.

"Why are you in a suit," Jungkook asks, because he's pretty sure that isn't what he goes to work in.

"Had to meet some of Yesol's family," Seokjin says, resting his neck on the headrest and not bothering to look at Jungkook. "They're fancy people, I needed to make a good impression."

"Oh," Jungkook says, and then realizes, "Then where is she?"

"She went home."

"She was okay with that?"

Seokjin looks up, to squint at Jungkook suspiciously. "I can still go to places without her, Jungkook-ah," he says. "She didn't kidnap me, she married me."

"I mean, yeah, but - "

It just feels wrong, somehow.

To go to a fancy dinner and then send your wife home alone while you go over to give some loser lamb skewers - it doesn't seem right.

But this is Seokjin, and Jungkook never questions him - even if he looks far too tired and like he wants to tear his suit off, so he swallows the questions down.

"Do you want something to change into?" he asks.

"Yes, please," Seokjin says in relief.

Jungkook goes into his bedroom to find something for him to wear, when Seokjin calls out behind him, a little hopeful, a little tentative -

"Jungkook-ah, can I stay the night?"

/

They don't bother digging out the extra mattress this time. Jungkook is too tired, and maybe a little tipsy, and Seokjin is just as bad, so Jungkook just finds an extra pillow and some more blankets and tosses it on the bed.

Seokjin ends up half on top of him anyway, with his head on Jungkook's stomach, one hand in the air as he stares at his fingers like they aren't his fingers.

Maybe he's more than a little tipsy.

It should be uncomfortable. It's been a long time since they last saw each other. But somehow, Jungkook feels more at ease than he has in months.

Or maybe the glass of soju was a mistake.

"Who knew," Seokjin says, sounding awed.

"Who knew what?" Jungkook asks the ceiling.

"Who knew that five years after we'd met I'd still be bringing you food."

It makes something warm settle in Jungkook's chest.

"You told me back then that we'd get married some day," Jungkook deadpans. "And now you're surprised that you bring me food? That's pretty low standards, hyung."

Seokjin lets out a laugh, loud, aborted. "Would've been easier if we got married," he says almost to himself. "I wouldn't do that to Yoongi though."

Jungkook snorts.

"I mean it," Seokjin argues. He tilts his head up a bit, to catch Jungkook's eyes. His expression is too serious, unsettling.

"Uhhh," Jungkook says.

"It's the first rule of friendship, you fool," Seokjin says. "You never date someone your friend likes. Literally the first rule."

Jungkook just stares at him.

Maybe Seokjin is far more drunk than he thought.

"Yoongi hyung doesn't like me," he says, as carefully as he can.

He isn't sure if Yoongi likes anyone, really, but if it's going to be someone - it's probably Hoseok. Or Namjoon.

Jungkook always used to think it was Namjoon.

They always make such a big deal of not getting along, but anyone can tell that they're holding onto each other tightly.

But Hoseok - who's always been there for him, who's seen Yoongi through his worst, who's literally Yoongi's light in the dark -

They fit together far too well.

Jungkook doesn't like thinking about it.

It makes him feel lonely in ways that he doesn't understand.

He doesn't meet Seokjin's eyes, but he can feel them boring into his skull.

"Oh come on," Seokjin says, sounding offended.

"What?"

Seokjin sits up, holding himself up on his elbows, to get a better look at Jungkook's face.

"Okay," he says, like he's just about done with Jungkook, "You really didn't know."

He sits up fully, something uneasy about him.

Jungkook's heart is in his throat.

"Yoongi is in love with you," Seokjin says, looking at Jungkook carefully. "I don't think he knows it himself, but. He is."

"He's not," Jungkook says, and now he's starting to panic.

He presses his back into the headboard, hoping that if he tries hard enough he can boot himself out of the conversation.

"I've known the guy for seven years," Seokjin says, and his voice is so careful. He isn't teasing, he isn't making fun of Jungkook. He's as serious as he can be, and somehow, that makes it all worse. "I thought it was a crush, back then, when he wouldn't stop asking me about if I'd seen you and why did you talk to me so much and why didn't you talk to him like that and what sort of things did you like to eat - I thought it was just a crush. But then - during your graduation, I think. He didn't turn up, right?"

Yoongi hadn't.

Jungkook had searched the audience, over and over like a fool, and waited on campus for far longer than he needed to in case Yoongi turned up later - but Yoongi had never turned up.

The stupid promise they made in the cafeteria didn't mean anything to him, not the way it had to Jungkook.

"He called me that day," Seokjin says. "Right before he was coming to see you. He was coming to see you. He and Hoseok had bought flowers and everything. It was a little funny, how much they'd planned for it. But he called me, and he freaked out. He was scared he'd see you after all these years and all you'd see him as was someone you used to be friends with."

And the thing is - Jungkook gets it.

He gets it, because he was afraid to see Yoongi for the same reason.

Because if he looked at it logically, that's all they were to each other. Yoongi had spent way more time with his other friends, during his college years, than with Jungkook. Even when they lived just doors away from each other, they spent much more time with their other friends, only eating together on occasion.

To Yoongi, Jungkook was just the strange kid that he'd befriended because they were both fucked up in the head.

And two years after not seeing each other - Jungkook was afraid it wouldn't mean a thing.

"But that was when I knew for sure," Seokjin says. "He had such a break down - he couldn't bear the thought of you both not being that important to each other anymore. He was so terrified that he couldn't even show up in the end. That was when I knew for sure."

There's a pause, like Seokjin is waiting for Jungkook to understand something.

But there isn't a single thing that Jungkook can say.

He shakes his head.

"Jungkook-ah…"

"No," Jungkook says.

"Come on."

"No," Jungkook says again, and this time it comes out more panicked.

He's had enough of this. He's had enough.

Min Yoongi, who's doing so well in his life, who is surrounded by incredible people, who gets to work with IU - Min Yoongi, who Jungkook made cry harder than he'd ever seen before -

Min Yoongi is not in love with him.

He can't be, because Jungkook is - Jungkook.

"I don't want to talk about this," Jungkook says, before Seokjin can say anything else.

His hands are shaking, everything is wrong.

Everything is wrong.

"Is it that hard to believe?" Seokjin asks, voice far too soft.

It is.

It's too hard to believe, because - Jungkook was born wrong.

Jungkook is fucked up.

Yoongi needed someone to make his life better, not someone who'd make it worse.

And Jungkook has only ever made it worse. He's tried to be there for him, tried to care in the only ways he knows, but Jungkook never makes a difference because he isn't the sort of person who can. Yoongi deserved someone bright, and happy, and out of a shadow, not someone who'd sink his fingers into his skin and drag him down with him.

Maybe it's too obvious he's panicking, because Seokjin reaches out, holding Jungkook's hand in his.

His hands are warm. Not like Yoongi's - Yoongi's are always cold, grounding, solid.

Seokjin is warm.

"Okay," Seokjin says. "Okay, I shouldn't have brought it up. We'll talk about something else."

/

Jungkook doesn't drink much.

He doesn't like the taste of alcohol, and he hates the smell of bars. He hates how no one knows each other but everyone talks to each other, he hates that even after he's graduated people suspect that he's underage.

He hates how easily other people take the seats next to him at a table, because the bar is always crowded and Jungkook is always alone, and being alone is a waste of a table when everyone else wants to have fun.

So Jungkook doesn't drink at bars.

He drinks alone.

He doesn't do it a lot. It's always risky, because his tolerance is really low and he doesn't make the best of decisions under the influence. One of Jungkook's stupidest mistakes was getting far too drunk in his forth year, texting Hoseok illegible shit about how much he loved him, and then passing out entirely.

Hoseok had turned up that day, something about how Jungkook's messages had made him miss him too much, and found him like that. Unconscious. He doesn't talk about it, except for the few stern words he'd had with Jungkook about being careful with his health. He doesn't mention it anymore either, but Jungkook knows he judges him for it.

All of his friends have had too close an eye on Jungkook's life.

All of them judge him for it.

It's why he wanted some time for himself, where he's the only person in his life who knows what a fuck up he is.

He's at the convenience store now, staring at the brands of alcohol on the shelves. Jungkook doesn't know anything about them. He doesn't care much for taste, so he usually just picks whatever is cheapest.

There are a couple of brands that he's tried before, and he knows it takes only about two shots of them to make him happy - so that's what he reaches for.

He should do the smart thing and get one bottle.

It's not a good idea to have spare bottles of alcohol lying around his house. Especially considering - well, him.

But what are the chances that Jungkook will have the energy to make it this far outside his house the next time he needs to feel happy?

He reaches for another bottle.

Two is a good number.

He places the two bottles on the counter. The woman at the register looks up at him, suspicious - Jungkook must look a little suspicious all the time. He doesn't look enough his age, his black hoodie probably makes him look like he deals drugs.

Maybe he should be dealing drugs.

It's not like Jungkook is making a lot of money. It's not like he's making anyone proud. Everything about his life is a mess and all he's accomplishing is staying alive every day.

He's not even doing a good job of that.

Exercising regularly, eating three square meals, socializing with his coworkers, trying to meditate - and still Jungkook found himself hunched over the sink last night, debating whether or not he should call it quits and dig a blade into his wrist.

Jungkook isn't making anyone proud.

He could totally sell drugs. At least he'd make money out of it.

Maybe with that money he'd be able to afford the therapy that the internet insists he get.

The thought is too funny, and he smiles to himself, like an idiot in public. The woman behind the counter gives him a strange look, tearing out his receipt to hand to him.

Jungkook's smile drops instantly.

He pulls his hood down a little lower, as if that's going to change the fact that she saw his face and thinks he's a freaking weirdo.

This is why he doesn't come outside.

He takes the bottles of alcohol from her quietly, mumbling his thanks, and leaves with his heart rate a little higher than it should be.

It's okay, he'll just make it home.

He'll make it home, have an off day, get drunk and pretend he's happy.

He'll pretend that he's someone who could be loved.

Then he can wake up in the morning and pretend a little harder.

/

Honestly, Jungkook should just ban himself from making decisions after midnight.

Or ban himself from making decisions at all.

It's terribly late, and he's sitting in the bus, jacket held tightly around him in the cold. He hates taking the bus alone at night, doesn't do it if he can avoid it, but here he is.

It's raining outside.

It's raining, and if Jungkook hadn't made such a mess of his life, Yoongi probably would have texted him.

He would have said it's raining and it made me think of you.

Are you doing okay?

Can I call you?

Jungkook can't get Seokjin's words from a week ago out of his head.

His eyes are wet, and he blinks the tears back quickly. He can't cry on the bus.

He digs his fingers into his thigh, in an attempt to ground himself.

Jungkook is a liar.

He's always been a liar.

He says he doesn't want to be happy, that he doesn't want to have hope, that all he wants to do is die - but everything is just one big lie that he tells himself because he's terrified that in truth, he doesn't have a choice.

If he lets himself dream, for just a little bit - he wants to be happy.

Everything he felt that day on the rooftop was the truth - he wants to be better.

He wants it so badly that it kills him to think about.

He wants to be able to go up to Yoongi, and feel like he's worth something. Like he isn't just the dirt on everyone's shoes that they haven't managed to scrape off yet.

Like Jungkook is someone who could be loved.

It's terribly late, and this is a terrible decision, but Jungkook is here, on his way to Yoongi's house.

This is exactly what he told himself he'd never do. He promised he wouldn't go crawling back to any of his friends unless he fixed himself.

But he tried his best, didn't he?

He did everything he was supposed to.

He ate well, he worked out, he meditated, he socialized. He did everything he was supposed to do to get rid of the emptiness but it never went away.

He painted shit, he got drunk.

Nothing made it go away.

And Jungkook is a coward, because when he reaches a dead end, he runs.

He crashes.

He wants to die.

But Jungkook owes it to Yoongi, at least, to tell him that he's going to be gone.

That he's tried, and had enough, and that he just can't do this anymore.

He promised he wouldn't go back, that he wouldn't make Yoongi cry again, but -

He'd cry more if Jungkook was dead, right?

Right?

He owes it to him at least, to let him know that Jungkook has crashed, that nothing is fixing anything and that he only has one way out again - he owes Yoongi that at least, right?

He owes him a last good bye.

A last explanation.

A last moment to run together.

He wipes at his eyes furiously.

Sometimes, Jungkook thinks of a different world, where he was better. Where he wasn't this piece of shit with too many wires crossed in his brain. Where he was someone like - like Hoseok, who had his own darkness but kept it at bay, who smiled through everything and made everyone's life better.

Would Yoongi have loved him then?

Would they have meant anything to each other at all?

Would they have even wanted to?

Yoongi had wanted to come to Jungkook's graduation.

Out of everything that Seokjin said, that's the only part that Jungkook can hold on to, the only part he can trust - Yoongi had meant to turn up.

Their stupid promise had meant something to him after all.

Jungkook had meant something to him.

Jungkook needs to tell him if he's going to die.

He needs to tell him that it's not his fault, that he shouldn't beat himself up for it, that he shouldn't bother missing Jungkook either -

He reaches his bus stop.

He gets off the bus, and it's unbearably cold outside. The rain has died down, at least, and Jungkook pulls his hood up, to keep the drizzle off of his hair, and starts towards Yoongi's.

He needs to tell him, that he's going to be gone.

It's the only thought in his head, even though deep down, Jungkook knows he won't do it.

He won't tell Yoongi. He can't.

But his footsteps lead him forward, and the cold chills him to the bone, and Jungkook just keeps walking, unsure of why he's even going.

There's no way he can look into Yoongi's eyes and tell him that he's going to die.

There's no way he can look into his eyes and then kill himself.

But -

Maybe that's why he's going.

Maybe it's the part of Jungkook that still wants to stay alive.

He just wants someone to hold his hand.

When Jungkook reaches a dead end, he runs, and there's only one person he knows to run to.

Only one person he knows will understand.

/

Chapter Text

Jungkook doesn't settle in as easily as Yoongi hopes.

He's quiet, unsure, and doesn't touch anything in the house without explicit permission. Yoongi shows him all the food in the fridge, and makes sure to leave snacks on the counter that he remembers Jungkook preferring - but every time he checks on it again it's all untouched.

It sucks, because he knows Jungkook has a large appetite. It's probably something that comes with having lived as a half starved college student for four years. Back when they'd first met, when Jungkook used to come over to Seokjin's dorm for tutoring sessions, he'd be so focused on his homework that he'd eat everything he was given without thinking, and Seokjin would quietly keep refilling his bowl when he wasn't looking.

It just goes to show, again, how much better Seokjin was at caring for Jungkook than Yoongi is.

Yoongi tries, though.

When Jungkook is curled up on the couch, watching videos on his phone, Yoongi puts down a plate of food and eats from it first, nudging Jungkook to do the same. When they're eating dinner he makes sure to finish a little faster, so that Jungkook can see that there's a lot of left over food and can finish it the rest instead of worrying if Yoongi has enough to eat. Yoongi tries, and while Jungkook still seems nervous about intruding, at least Yoongi can make sure he eats a bit.

To be honest, they don't do much together. They live like ghosts in the apartment, barely talking, barely living.

Yoongi can't tell if that's a good thing or not.

Jungkook's work place is far from where Yoongi lives. He has to wake up earlier than usual to get there on time, and has to shift buses thrice, which is something Yoongi knows he hates to do.

It worries him a lot. This would be so much easier if Yoongi had a car - then he could just drop him off in the morning. It's not like Yoongi minds waking up early, he barely even sleeps.

But Yoongi doesn't have a car. He can afford one, he makes more than enough money for it now - but he's just never had the need for one.

Maybe he should get one…?

It takes a moment of staring at the blank TV screen to realize that Jungkook has been here for just a week and Yoongi is already considering buying a car for his sake.

Maybe he likes him more than he thought.

He sinks further into the sofa, holding the cushion closer to his chest. His reflection in the black screen is just a vague blob. He could probably turn the TV on, just to give him something more interesting to stare at, but he doesn't feel like reaching for the remote.

Jungkook is late today. He'd texted Yoongi to let him know that he was eating with his coworkers, and that meant he'd be a full hour later than usual.

Yoongi is itching to get a drink.

He hasn't let himself drink ever since Jungkook turned up, mainly because he doesn't trust himself.

Yoongi only ever really drinks around Hoseok these days. It's not like he's an angry drunk, or a violent one, but he's a fucking depressed one, and he's trying his best to hold himself together in front of Jungkook.

Jungkook is here to get better.

Jungkook is here because for the first time, he let himself reach out to Yoongi for help.

Yoongi isn't going to ruin that.

But his mental health is hanging by a thread, and the stash of alcohol in his cupboards is far too tempting - every part of him tells him he can have just one glass, before Jungkook comes back. He can pretend he's fine when the boy comes back, he needs just one moment of this -

Because Yoongi is stressed.

He thought everything would fall into place when Jungkook turned up at his door, but he's so fucking stressed.

He doesn't know how to fix Jungkook. He doesn't know how to be the person he needs.

Jungkook wants to die and all Yoongi can do is - not want him to.

Yoongi can't get the fact that he's messing this up out of his head, and it eats at him every moment of every day. While he works, while he cooks, while he takes the subway home, while he lies awake and stares at the ceiling and pretends he doesn't notice that Jungkook is also awake and doing the same.

Yoongi is hanging on by a thread.

But he needs to be better.

For Jungkook.

He doesn't move from his spot on the couch, and time keeps ticking past - until finally, finally, there's a quiet knock on the door. Yoongi had given Jungkook a spare key, but he's never used it even once.

"It's open," he calls.

Jungkook steps inside quietly.

His rain coat is wet, pulled low over his head. He tugs it off quietly, giving Yoongi a wobbly smile.

"How was your day?" Yoongi asks, tightening his hold on the cushion.

"It was okay," Jungkook says. "Yours?"

"It was fine."

"Cool."

Jungkook slips his shoes off, and then his socks. His hair is a little wet, because the idiot somehow always manages to get drenched, and he shakes it out a bit.

He hesitates at the door, like he doesn't know what to do.

Yoongi sighs, patting the seat next to him. Jungkook shakes his hair out a bit more and then joins him, slumping into the sofa.

"Want to watch something?" Yoongi asks, at a lack of what else to ask.

"Okay," Jungkook agrees.

"What do you want to watch?"

"Anything's fine."

For one second - just one horrible second - Yoongi wants to snap at him.

He wants to say tell me what you want.

I can't help you if you don't tell me what you want.

And then the moment passes, and Yoongi realizes what he just thought, and then he feels like shit all over again.

He really needs a drink.

Just one drink, really.

Instead, he turns the TV on, flipping absently through the channels. He never settles on one, and Jungkook doesn't ever tell him to stop changing them.

They sit together, for what feels like hours, watching just seconds of what's playing on each channel before skipping to the next one.

It feels like they never stop.

/

Jungkook sleeps absurdly late.

Yoongi isn't one to talk - his sleep schedule is nonexistent, but he's used to wandering around in the dead of the night. On a usual day he makes music, watches shows, gets himself drunk - anything to forget the fact that he can't sleep and that there's probably something fucked in his brain.

But Jungkook doesn't do any of that.

He goes to bed pretty early, at 11PM. He curls up quietly under the covers, but he doesn't sleep.

He lies down with his back to where Yoongi sleeps, and sometimes he doesn't even close his eyes. He stares straight at the wall, as if he isn't seeing anything.

Whenever Yoongi checks on him, he's still awake. The rain pours outside, and Jungkook doesn't sleep.

Sometimes, Yoongi tries what they used to do over the phone.

He sits on his own mattress with his laptop open in front of him, working on his music with the volume turned low. Or he plays a movie, and laughs over it quietly by himself. But it's stranger, somehow, when they're in the same room - because on the phone, he didn't see Jungkook.

They helped each other sleep, but Yoongi never had to see just how miserable he looked.

And Jungkook looks miserable. He's tired, frustrated, shifting constantly, and it makes Yoongi feel less like he's helping and more like he's just in the way.

He tries a lot of stuff to help.

He asks Jungkook if he wants to drink some milk, if he wants to take Yoongi's mattress instead, if he thinks a warmer shower might help - but the more ideas that he gives, the less it feels like he wants to help Jungkook out, and more it feels like he just wants to stop feeling so damned useless.

And he's scared that that's how it looks to Jungkook too.

So finally, he just stops.

It's about 2AM, and Jungkook is still not asleep, but Yoongi shuts his laptop and leaves.

He can feel Jungkook's eyes following him, but he doesn't turn around.

Yoongi doesn't know what to do.

He doesn't know how to care for someone when he's on the verge of losing it himself.

He doesn't know how to make Jungkook feel better and it hurts.

Yoongi is barely thinking when he makes it into the kitchen.

He's quiet about it, digging through the cupboards carefully and setting a glass on the counter. He's quiet, all quiet. He'll just have one glass, just to get rid of the edge, and then he'll go back to the bedroom and try to sleep.

He pours himself a cup and swallows it all down in one go.

It's not the brand he likes, and it goes down tasting like shit.

Before he knows it he's filling another glass.

He shouldn't do this - Jungkook is right here. He's not even asleep. Yoongi doesn't need to be making this worse for him when he can't make it better.

The thoughts all make sense in his head, but he picks the glass up and drinks it all down anyway.

It tastes terrible, but this is a sort of terrible that Yoongi understands.

This is a sort of terrible that he's used to.

This is all he knows how to do.

He ditches the glass and picks up the bottle instead, drinking straight from it.

He can't go into the living room. Jungkook might spot him there. So he ends up on the floor of the kitchen instead, with his back against the counter, drinking slowly as if he's finally dying.

It's pathetic, even for him, but this shame is something he understands.

It's something he deserves, something that feels right.

Min Yoongi is the sort of pathetic person who drinks on the floor of his kitchen at 2AM.

He's not the sort of person who helps his friends stop wanting to kill themselves.

This is him.

This makes sense.

He brings the bottle to his lips again.

He should slow down, but Yoongi should do a great many things and he's never really done any of them.

He belongs in a shadow, not anywhere else.

When he hears footsteps from the living room, he doesn't even stop.

He should have expected it really.

Something quivers in his chest, almost like panic, but he doesn't move. He doesn't hide. He just holds his bottle tighter and waits it out.

When Jungkook stops in front of him, Yoongi doesn't look up at his face.

"Hyung?" Jungkook starts, his voice far too clear for someone who's been trying to sleep for this long.

"What," Yoongi says, and it comes out harsher than he means it.

There's a pause, and Yoongi thinks maybe Jungkook is going to leave.

But then he sits down next to him, back against the counter, pulling his knees up.

"Why aren't you asleep," Yoongi asks, and again it sounds harsh.

"Why aren't you asleep," Jungkook retorts, and he reaches a hand towards the bottle that Yoongi is holding in a death grip.

For a second Yoongi doesn't want to give it to him.

He's never had Jungkook lecture him about his drinking habits, mainly because Jungkook doesn't know about his drinking habits. Yoongi kept it from him on purpose, trying his best to play the part of a functional human being - and now here he is.

Caught.

Pathetic.

He wonders what Jungkook will do with the bottle. Hide it? Tell him off?

Jungkook closes his fingers around it, and Yoongi lets it go.

Then, to his surprise - Jungkook brings it up to his own lips.

Yoongi's eyes widen.

He finally turns to face Jungkook, and he looks exhausted as hell. His eyes are dark, the side of his cheek a little squished from pressing it up against the pillow, but he takes a long sip from the bottle that Yoongi had just been drinking from and then wrinkles his nose.

"This tastes terrible," he says.

"It's - yeah," Yoongi says, still caught off guard. "It's one of the worser brands."

Jungkook makes a sound of understanding, and then takes a sip again.

Yoongi grabs the bottle from him, elbowing him in the side. "You have work tomorrow," he scolds easily. "What are you doing."

"You have work tomorrow too."

"Yeah, but I'm - "

Yoongi is used to this.

He's used to going to work after taking tons of painkillers and praying for his hangover to go away.

Jungkook isn't, but Yoongi can't explain that to him.

"We've never got drunk together," Jungkook seems to realize. "Apart from like - with Tae hyung. We've never been to a bar alone."

The thing is, it's been intentional.

When Yoongi makes plans with all of his other friends, it's often at bars. But never with Jungkook.

Never with Jungkook, because for the most part of his life, he only knew the Jungkook from his first year of college, who hated alcohol with a burning passion.

He's still surprised by the fact that Jungkook does drink.

Already it looks like the alcohol is kicking into him. He's a terrible lightweight.

Yoongi takes another sip.

They pass the bottle back and forth.

Yoongi knows this a bad idea. It's a mistake, but he doesn't do anything to stop it.

"Hyung," Jungkook asks at last. "Do you hate that I'm here?"

Yoongi's heart stops.

"No," he blurts immediately. "No, no - Jungkook-ah, why would you think that?"

"I mean," Jungkook hesitates. "I'm in your space, right?" He takes another sip, and his hands are a little shaky now - maybe he's had too much already. "I'll leave soon, don't worry."

"You aren't going anywhere," Yoongi says immediately.

It takes Jungkook by surprise, and he blinks at Yoongi slowly.

He looks so tired. It breaks Yoongi's heart a bit.

"I don't want you to go," Yoongi repeats. "Just - please stay."

Jungkook opens his mouth to say something, and then closes it, confusion written all over his face.

"I can tell, you know," he says at last, turning away from Yoongi. "You don't - you're so stressed. I know it's because of me."

"I'm not stressed," Yoongi says, and it sounds pathetic even to him.

Jungkook doesn't even bother retorting to that. He reaches back for the bottle with grabby hands, but Yoongi holds it out of his reach.

"Jungkook-ah," he tries again. "Really. I'm not stressed because of you."

"I know you are," Jungkook says, a frown starting at his lips. "You don't - you don't even talk to me, you just want me to leave - "

The thing about Jungkook, is that when he's drunk - he doesn't have a filter.

Yoongi spends his whole life hoping for Jungkook to tell him the truth, and to stop being anxious around him, but when he hears the truth it always crushes him.

"This - this always happens," Jungkook says, voice shaky. He sounds like he might cry and Yoongi's stomach drops. "I don't know why I thought it would be different for you, but Jin hyung said - he said - "

"What did he say?"

"He said - " Jungkook swallows, shaking his head, cutting himself off. "I just thought I wouldn't stress you out too."

Yoongi's mind is reeling. At the back of his head, he's worried about what Seokjin might have told him, if even now Jungkook was controlled enough to not let it slip out. It's a weird mix of worry and misplaced jealousy, the sort that always buds in his chest when he hears about Jungkook and Seokjin.

But it's Jungkook's words that eat at him.

This always happens.

"What always happens?" he asks.

Jungkook reaches back for the bottle, and Yoongi pushes his hand away.

"What always happens?" he tries, voice a little harder.

"This," Jungkook mumbles, frowning a bit more when Yoongi won't give him the bottle. "I exhaust everyone. I can't - no one can fucking deal with me."

It dawns on Yoongi then, slowly and terribly.

When Jungkook reaches for the bottle again, Yoongi lets him have it. Jungkook takes a long, long sip, and then sets it down with a clunk.

Jungkook thinks -

He thinks that Yoongi is like Jimin.

Yoongi is like Jimin.

Making a mess of his own mental health in his effort to try and fix Jungkook or whatever the hell, even though Jungkook never asked him to do that.

Jungkook didn't ask him for anything, except for a place to stay, and Yoongi just couldn't let himself believe that that was all he wanted.

He couldn't believe that it could be anything besides a cry for Yoongi to make everything right.

But Jungkook knows Yoongi can't make things right. He's known that all along, it's what their entire strange relationship is based on. Jungkook has always known that Yoongi is too much of a mess to do anyone any good, but he still came to him.

He still wanted to stay with him.

And Yoongi fucked it all up.

"You don't exhaust me," he says, and he hopes it comes out steady. "Jungkook-ah, please don't think that. I just - I exhaust myself."

Jungkook hums, unconvinced, curling a little further into himself.

"I - I have a problem, okay?" he says. "I - I drink. A lot."

Jungkook frowns, but doesn't meet his eyes. He doesn't seem surprised, because Yoongi always did drink a lot. Even back in college, every time he had a breakdown - getting drunk out of his mind was just something everyone accepted he did.

"Not like I used to," Yoongi says. "Not - not sometimes. Every day. I drink almost every day. That's what I'm doing when I text you saying I can't sleep. That's what I'm doing all the damn time."

"Oh," Jungkook says, but his eyes are wide now. "Oh, you're - "

"I need to stop," Yoongi cuts him off. "I know I need to stop, but - it's just. It makes me feel like shit but I keep doing it. And this week I tried to stop, because I didn't want to worry you, and I just - maybe it was too abrupt? I got in my head too much and - yeah."

Jungkook is blinking, slowly, looking up at Yoongi with far too much concern.

"I'm sorry," he says, too quiet.

Yoongi gives him a flat look. "The hell are you sorry for."

"I thought - I thought you were doing okay."

Something goes cold in Yoongi's chest. "Was that why you came here?"

"What? No," Jungkook says instantly. "No, no, I - I came here because - " he cuts off. "I don't know why I came here," he says, almost to himself. "I was just lonely."

"I wanted you to think I was okay," Yoongi admits. "I thought it would make you feel like - like we could both be okay."

Jungkook doesn't say anything for a long time. Yoongi glances at him, a little worried, but he doesn't look like he's going to speak any time soon.

And then a shaky hand reaches towards him, towards Yoongi's own, and Yoongi's eyes snap wide.

It's so rare for Jungkook to reach out.

It's so rare for him to hold first, before someone else lets him know that they want it.

But his fingers find Yoongi and Yoongi lets himself hold them. Jungkook's hands are warm, as they always are, and fit so perfectly in his.

Jungkook's hands shake a little, like he's seriously reconsidering how he managed to reach out, but he doesn't tug his hand away.

"I don't want to stress you out," he says at last. "I just - I just want you to be around."

"Okay," Yoongi says. "Okay."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing for no reason."

"I was so - I thought you left me."

"I wouldn't," Yoongi says, even though he has no clue what Jungkook is talking about.

"Just - tell me okay? If I'm stressing you out."

You don't, Yoongi wants to say, but instead he says, "I will."

Yoongi doesn't get any sleep that night, and he doesn't think Jungkook does either.

The kitchen floor is cold, a terribly place to stay, but they sit huddled up together with their fingers clasped tightly, and don't move at all.

/

Is he okay? Taehyung texts, for maybe the fifth time that week.

Yoongi is sitting up in bed with his back against the wall, scrolling through the messages of the day. A lot of them are spam, some of them are forwards, and then there's a couple from Taehyung and Hoseok, asking about what they're up to and how everything is going on.

Yoongi knows that Taehyung especially is hurt that Jungkook hasn't spoken to him for so long and is rooming at Yoongi's instead of with him, but he doesn't push Yoongi about it. He does however check in each day, and Yoongi knows to not leave him hanging.

He's okay, he types back. We played checkers for a while.

You play checkers?

Not really.

…then what did you play, hyung.

We played…something. With checkers.

Who won?

Jungkook.

HAHAHA

Yoongi makes a face at his screen.

It's not that weird for him to lose at checkers. He loses to his computer every day.

The shower in the bathroom finally turns off. Jungkook must be done.

Do you think he'd want to meet me sometime? Taehyung asks.

I don't know, Taehyung-ah.

Yeah, I know. Sorry.

Maybe someday, yeah? It's not for me to say.

Yeah. I miss him so much, hyung.

He misses you too.

Does he?

You know he does.

The bathroom door opens, and Jungkook comes outside, looking soft and ready to fall asleep. He's in shorts and an oversized t-shirt, hair damp, and he's rubbing at it with a towel because he knows Yoongi will put a knife to his throat if he tries to fall asleep with wet hair.

Seeing Jungkook look almost comfortable in his house - it always makes Yoongi's heart stop a bit.

He hadn't even known he could have wanted this, back when he lived here alone.

"What are you doing, hyung?" Jungkook asks absently, sitting on his own mattress and toweling his hair.

"Texting," Yoongi says, and then goes for a loop when he can't think of a friend that Jungkook doesn't know. "It's - uh. A coworker."

Jungkook hums in reply.

They sit in the silence for a while. Yoongi texts Taehyung a little longer, and then Hoseok starts, asking how Yoongi is doing and if he wants to meet up some time during their lunch breaks. Then he gets a series of terrible memes from Seokjin that he leaves on read just to get on his nerves.

Jungkook finally finishes drying his hair, and he hangs the towel over the edge of a chair and plops onto the mattress. His hair splays out in all directions, and it looks absurdly soft.

Yoongi kind of wants to touch it, but it feels like crossing a boundary to crawl over to his mattress like that.

And then he wonders where these thoughts come from.

He wonders why he thinks through everything that he does with Jungkook a hundred times before he steps closer.

To be fair, Yoongi has never been much of a tactile person. He's grown to love Hoseok's touches, but at the early stages of their friendship he hated it. He can't remember the last time he ever hugged Seokjin, they just don't do that - and with Namjoon the idea of holding hands is absurd.

Jungkook is the only person Yoongi has ever reached out to on his own.

To hold his hand, to pull him closer.

But still, he hesitates, because -

Why?

Unlike Yoongi, Jungkook is a cuddly person. He's always curled into someone's side, or Taehyung is lying on top of him, or Jimin just crawls into his bed while he's asleep - he's always being held or hugged because Jungkook is the sort of person who lights up when you give him physical affection. Yoongi doesn't know how to explain it, the way he brightens when he's close to someone - Jungkook is just. Terribly affectionate like that.

But not with Yoongi.

Because Yoongi doesn't reach out to him the way the rest of the guys do.

"Jungkook-ah," he calls out.

"Hyung?"

Yoongi feels a little nervous, but he pats the spot next to him on his own bed.

"Come here."

Jungkook looks confused. "Huh?"

"We both know you aren't going to sleep now," Yoongi says dryly. "Stop lying in bed, come on. Let's watch something."

Jungkook doesn't look convinced, but he sits up with his legs crossed, giving Yoongi a suspicious look. "I'm supposed to go to bed at eleven," he says, a little glum.

Yoongi starts. "Says who?"

"The - uh, some lady on the internet."

Yoongi blinks.

"It's a thing, okay?" Jungkook says defensively. He's holding his feet while he talks, looking a away from Yoongi. "Like. Even if you don't sleep you're supposed to rest. So that - tomorrow is easier."

Yoongi blinks again.

"Oh," he realizes. "The self care shit."

Jungkook cringes.

"No, no," Yoongi says, feeling like an idiot immediately. "It makes sense, it even works - yes, resting is good even if you don't sleep, that's true - "

He's fumbling a little, and Jungkook looks even more awkward, and Yoongi is messing this up very well and very fast.

"That's a good thing to do," he tries again. "Responsible, yes, but - how about a day off? Maybe if we watch something that doesn't need much attention it might put you to sleep easier."

Jungkook frowns. He's holding his feet a little tighter, and Yoongi can tell he wants to join him but is still a little awkward because of Yoongi's self care shit.

He pats the spot on the mattress next to him again.

Finally, Jungkook crawls over to his mattress, settling next to him.

He sits a bit apart, like he's scared to intrude, but Yoongi tugs him gently by the elbow to let him know that it's okay, letting him sit closer. Jungkook is warm from his shower, and smells suspiciously nice - Yoongi should steal whatever shampoo he uses sometime.

"What do you want to watch?" he asks, opening a video streaming site on his laptop.

"Something that's - not intense," Jungkook says.

"Mm," Yoongi agrees, searching his suggestions. They finally end up with a comedy show about a fisherman on a dramatic journey to catch a tuna, which looks rather promising.

It's a lot funnier than he expected.

He laughs at all the worst jokes, which is something he's terribly embarassed about, but Jungkook is no better - completely destructing for the most absurd humour and laughing way too hard. At one point the show gets so ridiculous that Yoongi just hides his face, refusing to watch any more of it lest he have a heart attack, and Jungkook giggles and snorts into his shoulder to make it worse.

They start out sitting up, but by the end of the second episode Jungkook is already tiring out, tucked into Yoongi's chest and laughing under his breath at each joke he hears.

Yoongi strokes his hair absently, wondering how it could be this easy.

The third episode, Jungkook watches even less of it. He still laughs at the jokes that make it to his ears, puffs of air into Yoongi's shirt, but his eyes are almost entirely shut and he's falling, slowly but surely.

The fourth episode in, and Jungkook is asleep.

Yoongi almost can't believe it.

It's not like - a miracle. It's been a while, more than two hours, so it's not like Yoongi managed to magically put him to sleep - but it's still better. Two hours is still shorter than the amount of time that Jungkook sits awake for.

Maybe Yoongi can do something right after all.

Jungkook shifts a little, and Yoongi holds him closer by reflex. He shuts his laptop, putting it to the side, and then slowly adjusts them both so that they're lying down.

He isn't sleepy at all yet, but he can stay here a while.

He thinks of what Namjoon had said, about how no one could save each other but they could still love each other.

It makes sense, he thinks.

He pulls the covers over the both of them.

It makes sense.

Yoongi can't save Jungkook, but he can still give him what's left of his heart.

/

Yoongi knows something is up when he hears the knock at his door.

He's watching TV, absently flipping through channels and waiting for Jungkook to get home, when he hears the knock. It's Jungkook for sure, Yoongi knows how he knocks - but there are voices outside, a dull murmur that he can't catch through the door, and he knows instantly that something is up.

There's someone else there.

A delivery man? Did Jungkook order something?

The landlord? A neighbour?

"It's open," he calls anyway, frowning as he looks around. Should he change into pants…? Who the heck would visit at such a time.

Shit, Jungkook must feel so awkward.

The door swings open, and Jungkook steps in, and right behind him is -

Hoseok?

"Hey, hyung," Jungkook says quietly, tugging off his coat.

Hoseok raises a hand to wave. He looks a little apologetic, but he can't hide the grin on his face.

"What are you doing here," Yoongi asks instead.

"Wow," Hoseok says, feigning hurt. "You didn't miss me at all."

"Where did you even come from?" Yoongi asks.

Jungkook doesn't look like he minds, but - for Hoseok to turn up like this, when he knows that he isn't supposed to unless Jungkook is okay with it -

"I picked Jungkookie up from work," Hoseok says brightly, and Yoongi's brain just short circuits.

"What."

"You said he was having trouble getting home," Hoseok explains. "Because it's so far. So I thought I'd drive him home."

"You - " Yoongi looks from him, to Jungkook, to him, to Jungkook. "You - don't you work late? Aren't you… employed?"

"Of course I am," Hoseok makes a face. "I got off early."

Yoongi knows for a fact that Hoseok never gets off early, but Jungkook looks like he believes it so he probably shouldn't push it.

Jungkook looks - fine.

He hangs his coat up on the hanger, and is pulling off his socks, and his hands don't even shake.

He looks fine.

With Hoseok?

When did that even happen.

Hoseok sinks down next to him, grabbing the remote from him to find a channel he likes. Jungkook joins them too, sitting on Hoseok's other side, and - Yoongi's mind is reeling.

It's been far too long since this has been okay.

Both of his favourite people, in the same room, seeming like they're okay with it -

It's been far, far too long since this had happened.

"Oh," Hoseok says, "It's that award show today! I can't believe I forgot about it."

He flips through the channels, talking about how this idol that he's really loved recently is up for three awards, and Jungkook is listening with interest, and -

It's too normal.

Yoongi doesn't get it.

What the hell.

/

"Okay," he says, turning on Hoseok the moment Jungkook gets into the shower. "What just happened."

Hoseok shrugs, looking suspiciously innocent. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Yoongi grabs the remote from him, holding it up threateningly. "Did you try to kidnap him."

"Noo. I mean yeah? Sort of. But I was nice about it!"

"Oh my god," Yoongi sighs, pressing the remote into his face. "What did you do."

"I just went to where he worked," Hoseok says. "And I saw him coming out, so I waved at him and asked him if he wanted a ride home."

"Why would you do that?"

"I missed him, okay?" Hoseok says, a little louder, giving away how much distress he'd actually been in.

Yoongi quietens down.

He knows this was hard for everyone, the radio silence that Jungkook was giving them. It was worse still because Yoongi got to see him every day - they all took it personally.

"I didn't force him, I swear," Hoseok continues, a little desperate. "I promised myself I'd leave if he looked uncomfortable. But - he didn't mind, hyung. On the way back, it was just like it used to be. Back before - well. All of this."

Honestly, Yoongi can't hold it against him, because Jungkook had looked fine. He'd seemed cheery at dinner, goofing off with Hoseok the way Yoongi is used to seeing him, a little shier than usual, but still - at ease.

Had he figured things out, then?

Or was Hoseok a special case?

Yoongi doesn't know, and maybe it's not his place to ask.

Finally, Jungkook comes out of the shower, and Hoseok grabs some of Yoongi's spare clothes to take a shower himself. Yoongi found it weird as hell that he was staying the night, but Hoseok only said I'll drop Jungkookie off in the morning and deemed that reason enough.

"Where should I sleep?" Jungkook asks, toweling at his hair as he looks around the room.

Hoseok blinks, pausing in the doorway of the bathroom. "You guys should sleep as usual," he says. "I'll take the couch."

"No, no," Yoongi says. "You sleep here. I'll be up late anyway, I'll take the couch."

Hoseok frowns. "I don't want to intrude."

"You turned up at my house uninvited."

"…uh. I don't want to intrude even more?"

Yoongi gives him a look.

"We could share," Hoseok tries instead. "Solves everything."

"That's true," Yoongi says. "Jungkook-ah, wanna share?"

Jungkook blinks.

Hoseok looks blank.

Yoongi realizes that Hoseok had meant for him to share with him, and he feels the burn start to creep up on his face.

"Or you guys share," he adds quickly. "Anything."

"I don't mind sharing with Yoongi hyung," Jungkook adds, for his part, even though he seems a little surprised.

"That's settled, then," Hoseok says, his smile a little too bright and pointed.

Yoongi doesn’t look at him.

In the end, the three of them end up piled on the bed together anyway, watching the drama about the fisherman again, and everything feels far too normal.

Far too nice.

Yoongi doesn't feel the need to crack open his cupboards for alcohol even once.

/

It's 9PM and Jungkook isn't home yet.

Yoongi had got a text from him, saying that something came up and that he'd be later than usual, but Yoongi is losing his mind because he doesn't know how much later than usual. He'd thought he'd be here a little after dinner, but it's past 9 and Jungkook still isn't here.

He hasn't replied to any of Yoongi's texts, or picked up his calls, and at a loss Yoongi had called Hoseok to ask if he'd kidnapped him again but Hoseok says he hasn't. He offers to pick Yoongi up to search for him but Yoongi doesn't know where to start, so he tells him he'll call him later and hangs up again.

It's raining outside.

Maybe that's what unsettles Yoongi the most.

It's never good to let Jungkook out of his sight when it's raining, and far too often, that's the case.

9:30PM, and Jungkook still isn't home.

Yoongi doesn't know what to do.

A part of him feels like he's overreacting. Jungkook did tell him he'd be late. He was probably out having a good time with his coworkers, while Yoongi sits here losing his mind.

A part of him is scared.

10PM, and Yoongi decides that that's it.

He grabs his umbrella, pulls on the first coat he can find, and sets off outside.

It's raining even harder now, the cold sinking into his skin, and he angles his umbrella the best he can to stay dry but gets a little wet anyway. He doesn't know where to go, so he starts towards the bus stop - maybe he'll just follow the route that Jungkook always takes. Maybe he'll find him on the way.

His heart is beating too fast, and it's so cold, but Yoongi can't sit still and do nothing.

It's not a long walk to the bus stop but it seems to take forever, and then, from a few feet away -

He spots a figure, on the bench, under the shelter of the bus stand.

There's an overwhelming mix of relief and worry that rush through him.

He speeds up a little, and - it's Jungkook. For sure. He's a little drenched, shivering, all his hair in his face - but it's him.

Yoongi stops in front of him.

"Jungkook?"

Jungkook starts. "Hyung?"

Yoongi frowns.

His eyes are red.

Has he been crying out here, on his own?

"You didn't come home," Yoongi says, a bit obviously. "What's wrong?"

"I was coming," Jungkook says. "I - I'll come."

Yoongi's frown deepens.

"Jungkook," he says, sitting down next to him. He hesitates, and then places a hand on his shoulder.

It seems to set something off in him, and his eyes fill with tears again.

Yoongi's eyes sting. He hates seeing Jungkook cry.

It breaks something inside his heart.

"Hey," Yoongi tries. "Hey, come on, let's go somewhere warm."

"I don't want to," Jungkook says, through his tears. "I don't want to, I'm so - I'm so tired, hyung. I don't want to do this anymore, don't make me do this - "

Yoongi pulls him closer, a hand in his hair, trying to ignore the burning in his eyes.

The rain keeps pouring down, endless and endless, never stopping no matter how many years they spend praying for it to stop.

There are a lot of empty words that Yoongi has to say.

It's cold.

It's the rain.

You're overworked.

You need more sleep.

This'll feel better once you've had a warm meal.

Come on, Jungkook-ah, let's go home.

But he doesn't say any of it.

He doesn't say anything at all, just holds Jungkook close and lets him cry, and tries not to cry himself. Because he knows how this is. He knows what it's like.

Yoongi is tired, too.

Yoongi doesn't want to do this anymore either.

The moments in between distract him enough sometimes - but he'll never forget that there isn't really a point. Yoongi might not ever be happy. Jungkook might not either. No matter how much they smile at each other and laugh and pretend that things will be okay - the rain is going to come down again and they're going to be here, at late night at a bus stop, because neither of them really want to be alive.

And Yoongi doesn't have anything to say to him except please don't leave me.

Please don't leave me here alone.

That'll be the end for me.

That'll be the end for sure.

He bites his tongue and keeps the words in his chest, where they can't hurt anyone but him.

It's a long time before Jungkook tires out, breathing slower against Yoongi's chest, his hands clenched into his jacket. Yoongi pulls his hood over his head, tucking him closer to his chest.

Please don't leave me, he wants to say.

"Did something happen?" he asks instead. He keeps his voice low, careful.

Jungkook shakes his head, not getting up. "Nothing," he says. "It was - nothing, just. The program I was working on didn't work and - it's stupid, I know it's stupid but I'm just so - I'm so messed up, hyung, everything I feel is just so fucked - "

"It's not stupid," Yoongi cuts in. "You're not stupid. If it hurts you then it hurts you, no one's judging you for that."

"I'm just so tired," Jungkook says again. "I don't want to be happy, I don't want to be anything. I just want to stop."

Yoongi holds him a little tighter, resting his chin on the top of Jungkook's head.

You just need sleep.

This will feel better in the morning.

Want to distract ourselves somehow?

(Please don't leave me.)

(Please don't leave me.)

(Please don't leave me.)

"I used to go to therapy," he blurts out, almost jolting with how it bursts out of his chest. "Back in Iceland."

Jungkook starts to shift, to try to look up at him, but Yoongi quickly holds his head back down.

He doesn't want to have to look at Jungkook when he says this.

Jungkook makes a muffled sound of confusion, but Yoongi holds him firmly against his chest, heart beating too loud.

"I didn't want to," he says. "It was - it was so scary, fuck, I didn't want to go at all, but my superior insisted because I was fucking up at the work place. I went for a while, and - she kept saying that I wasn't my depression, you know? That I thought it was but it was two different people. There was me, and there was depression. A shadow."

Jungkook doesn’t say anything, his fingers tightening over Yoongi's coat.

Yoongi only realizes then that he's been shaking.

He didn't realize talking about it would be this hard.

"I don't think I'm there without the depression," he says, unsure of what he's even saying anymore. "She told me to try medication, but I - I quit. I'm not a person if I'm okay. I can't be okay. Then I won't be there anymore."

"Hyung - " Jungkook starts.

"But you," Yoongi says, "You've never been like that. You've always been Jungkook. You've always been - someone. You aren't all the shit that's wrong with you, it'll - it'll go away. It'll go away for you, I swear, because you're a person, okay?"

Jungkook doesn't say anything.

"Okay?" Yoongi tries again, a little desperate.

Jungkook shakes his head.

Yoongi's stomach sinks.

"We aren't that different," Jungkook tries, his voice a little cracked.

"What?"

"You just - you always say this, like there's hope for me and not for you, but it's not. It's not like that."

He shifts, like he's considering getting up, to look Yoongi in the eye, but then the resolve leaves him as soon as he thinks it and he buries his face deeper into Yoongi's drenched coat.

"It's not a shadow," Jungkook says, his voice barely audible over the rain. "It's not - it's not a shadow. It's just me."

Honestly, Yoongi knows what Jungkook means.

He knows what Jungkook is saying because it's the sort of thing he's told himself for years, that he is his depression and he's one person.

It's not the shadow - it's Min Yoongi.

"I'm not - I can't outrun it," Jungkook says. "It's just always there. It doesn't leave. Sometimes it's smaller, or sometimes I can't see it, but it's not going anywhere."

And Jungkook - he sounds miserable. He is miserable, and the tears have barely dried on his cheeks, but listening to him - something in Yoongi's brain clicks.

Sometimes it's smaller.

Sometimes I can't see it.

Something clicks in Yoongi's head, in a slow, dawning way.

Yoongi spent his whole life running from his shadow.

Running, and accepting it. Running, and accepting it.

All he did was worry that it was a part of him, while trying to stay out of its reach.

But that's the thing - isn't his shadow a part of him?

Isn't his reflection?

The things he touches, the things he pours life into.

His shadow is him. The parts of him that might not ever leave, that might look smaller in the light and might be the whole of his world in the dark - but still a part of him.

And it should feel like something horrifying, the fact that he can't outrun it, but instead it makes Yoongi feel calm.

There's nothing to leave behind. Nothing to outrun.

Just - a part of himself that exists, and the need to find better fucking lighting.

That's something Yoongi can do, right?

He can't outrun his shadow, not when it's rooted to his feet and will never let go - but he can find better lights.

The rain keeps pouring, and Jungkook is still curled up in his arms, but Yoongi thinks - he thinks he's figured something out.

"Maybe we don't have to run," he says.

"What?" Jungkook asks.

"I kept saying we had to run," Yoongi realizes. "You're right, we shouldn't have to."

"What do you mean?"

He holds Jungkook a little tighter, realizing he isn't ever going to let him go.

Whatever happens, Yoongi isn't going to let him go.

"I think I should try therapy again," he says, almost to himself.

Because the shadow isn't his depression.

The shadow is Min Yoongi.

And getting help won't mean taking that away from him -  it'll just be giving him a little more of himself. The parts he's forgotten how to look at.

The slightest of lights, to shine through better.

He's spent all this time trying to hold himself together, to try and be better for Jungkook's sake, to try and show him that there was hope for them both - and maybe this is the way to do it.

Maybe he needs to stop pretending to be okay, and try.

To try as hard as Jungkook has been for all these years.

It's a lie that Yoongi is scared that he won't exist without his depression.

The truth is that he's afraid, because he knows this Yoongi. And what he knows is comfortable. It's easier being terrible and hurt than reaching into something that he's never felt before.

Yoongi needs to stop running. He needs to stop telling himself there's no hope.

The shadow will never leave him, but there's no reason that he can't be better with it rooted at his feet.

If there's hope for Jungkook - there has to be hope for Yoongi, and maybe this is the first step towards that.

"We'll be okay," Yoongi says. "I'll show you. We'll be okay."

"You think?" Jungkook asks, clearly not believing him.

"Yeah," Yoongi says, and for once he thinks he means it. "We've lasted this long, right? Let's try a little longer."

/

Chapter Text

There's a knock on the door when Jungkook is brushing his teeth.

Honestly, he's barely awake. It's hard enough to focus to put the toothpaste onto his toothbrush, and he's half dozing, half zoning out over the sink. When the knock sounds, it doesn't register at first.

It's been two weeks since he moved back into his apartment.

When the person knocks again, something starts to come to him, and he slowly blinks himself more awake. It doesn't work.

It has to be Namjoon. He'd said he'd drop by this morning, with extra milk because he wouldn't be back home for a while and didn't want the milk to spoil. Jungkook didn't realize just how early he meant by this morning, but he has to be a decent neighbour and go and take it from him.

It's 7AM on a Sunday, and Jungkook is only awake because he couldn't sleep at night and decided he might as well go ahead and start his day.

He spits out his toothpaste, rinses his mouth and splashes water on his face half-heartedly. Then he stumbles out of the bathroom and hopes he doesn't fall.

Namjoon knocks again, louder this time.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Jungkook calls out, shifting the bolts out of place. The only problem with locking the door so intensely is that he has to get it open in the morning.

He unlocks the final bolt and slides the door open.

And his heart gives out.

"Hey," Min Yoongi says, looking awkward as hell.

"Hyung?" Jungkook says instead.

"I need a favour," Yoongi says.

Jungkook just blinks at him.

"It's early," he manages to say.

"I know, I know," Yoongi says, and looks a little apologetic. "I couldn't wait, I'm sorry."

It's not odd for Yoongi to turn up at his door - he's been here on and off for the past two weeks. He's even slept over a few times, telling Jungkook things like it's too late to go back and I like your coffee powder better and someone needs to be here to show you how to use the damned stove.

It's not like Jungkook is complaining, so he lets him be.

But this is the first time he's turned up this early.

"What's up, hyung?" he asks anyway, blinking the sleep out of his eyes.

"I need you to come to the studio with me."

Jungkook almost falls over, his grip on the doorframe loosening. He catches himself in time. "You need - what?"

"Just for a while!" Yoongi says, and he looks a little desperate. There's the sort of manic energy in his eyes that he gets when he's working on something. "I - this can't get done without you."

"You want me to sing?"

"Yeah," Yoongi says easily. "Just a bit. Please?"

Jungkook stares at him.

It's been so long since he'd sung anything at all. The way it's been too long since he's made art. Jungkook doesn't do much around here besides try and stay alive - which, admittedly, he's been doing an okay job at.

He's still here, isn't he.

But now Yoongi wants him to sing…?

At the studio, no less.

"No one else will be there," Yoongi says. "You don't have to worry about that."

"Okay," Jungkook says, but it comes out doubtful.

He isn't too nervous about singing in front of Yoongi anymore - it's hard, but it's manageable. What worries him is what Yoongi even wants from him.

"Okay," he tries again. "I'll just - I'll get ready?"

"Of course," Yoongi says. "I'll wait. Take your time."

He says take your time, but he's all but vibrating in place, desperate to get his fingers working. Jungkook knows the feeling - it's been too long since he's felt it, but he knows that all consuming feeling of needing to create.

He decides to skip his shower, for the sake of Yoongi's sanity, and just changes into a hoodie and stuffs an energy bar into his pocket, before following Yoongi outside.

/

Yoongi's studio is pretty damned cool.

It looks like - well. It looks like a studio.

"Of course it looks like a studio," Yoongi deadpans. "What did you expect it to look like."

"I don't mean studio," Jungkook says. "I mean studio."

Yoongi sighs, typing his password into his computer and starting it up.

Jungkook settles on the couch he has to the side, watching him nervously. The place looks like - Yoongi, but it also looks scarily professional. It's like being bashed in the face that Yoongi has a really cool job, is a really cool person, and is doing incredible things with his life, while Jungkook is sitting on his couch being… whatever Jungkook is.

He looks around, scanning the furniture, the things he keeps on his desk, and then  -

His breath catches in his throat, stomach lurching.

Because on the wall, in a frame of all things -

Is Jungkook's painting.

The painting he'd given Yoongi, on the day he packed up and left their college for good - the painting that he was so sure Yoongi would have forgotten about the moment that he turned the corner.

But it's here, in a fucking frame, like it's something that Yoongi thinks is important, like it's something he looks at every day while he works -

There's a lump in Jungkook's throat and for a second he's scared he might cry.

Jungkook had worked on that picture forever.

Dark, empty faces, almost void of anything - seemingly empty creatures wandering around in the street.

And almost hidden, far too deep inside their chests, the barest hints of colour.

The barest hints of hope, of identity, of whatever it was that kept them alive inside.

And just two figures, with dark blue pouring out of their grey chests, linking them together.

When Jungkook had handed it to Yoongi, as a second year student, he'd felt like a fool.

He thought Yoongi would look at it and scoff at the fact that Jungkook could think there was something that connected them in such an intense way.

His hands shook so much while he painted it that the links holding their souls together are messier than he meant for them to be, the brush strokes uneven and terrible, but the intent is still there.

Dark blue pouring out of them, into each other's chests. The blue isn't sad, the grey isn't empty. Jungkook didn't mean for them to be, at least.

He'd meant it as -

This is a part of me.

And this is a part of me.

And this is a part of me that I think you have too.

He didn't know if that was a good thing, or a bad thing, just that - there was something they shared. There was something that made them parts chipped off of the same soul.

"So," Yoongi says, still staring at his computer screen and oblivious to the fact that Jungkook is having an entire crisis. "I need you to listen to this first."

He holds out a pair of headphones for Jungkook to take. When he doesn't immediately take them, he turns to see what's going on.

When he sees where Jungkook is looking he stops.

"Uh," he says. "Yeah."

There's a moment of awkward silence.

"I didn't think you'd keep it," Jungkook says, trying to laugh.

Yoongi looks incredulous. "You didn't think I'd keep it?" he says, like he can't believe Jungkook would ask him that. "What the hell, really?"

"Ahh, hyung," Jungkook tries to smile. "I'm touched."

"You should be," Yoongi says, but he turns away, not meeting Jungkook's eyes, suddenly awkward. "Come here, I need you to listen to this."

Jungkook scooches over to the edge of the couch, pulling the headphones over his ears, and Yoongi presses play.

From the very first notes, Jungkook is in love.

There's been something different about Yoongi's music ever since he came back from Iceland. Something calmer, more soothing, less angry and more this is what it is. The words in Jungkook's ears now are gentle, a female voice that he can't identify, and so is the piano. A gentle melody of something almost like hope -

Is that what this is?

Is this hope?

His heart beats louder, because - Yoongi has never written hope.

He tries, and tries, but he always falls a little short.

He always ends up backtracking, saying maybe it might not happen - he reaches for it in every song he writes but then falters the moment he catches it.

But this -

This can't be anything else.

Jungkook listens with wide eyes, the emotion building in his chest, and then the music picks up and the voice sings -

I just want to be happier.

It's like everything in him just - gives out.

He stares at Yoongi in pure shock - but Yoongi doesn't meet his eyes.

I just want to be happier.

This is Yoongi's song - but it isn't Yoongi's song.

It's - it's Jungkook's.

And it's like a brick crashing into his brain.

The lyrics are all words that Jungkook has said, has thought, at the worst of his moments and the moments in between. The melody is the sort of tune that plays in the back of his mind as he goes about his life.

The song feels to him like existing. Like himself.

This is him.

These aren't thoughts that Yoongi has. Yoongi has never wanted to be happy, Yoongi only ever wants to get through the day. But Jungkook - does. He really does.

These words aren't Yoongi's - they're all Jungkook's.

His heart beat doesn't slow down.

He can't look away, staring at Yoongi with wide wide eyes, but Yoongi is careful to never meet them.

"So," Yoongi clears his throat once it's over, still not looking in his direction. "Did you like it?"

"Was that - what was that?"

"Ahh, I thought you'd figure it out," Yoongi mumbles, but Jungkook can tell that he knows that he knows. "It's for you. I think. I hope I got it right."

It's like - something in his chest finally exists.

He's been running after Yoongi, all these years, offering him parts of his soul in the form of art and asking does this make sense? Does this? Is this what it feels like to be you?

Is this what it is inside your head?

And now here's Min Yoongi, holding out his own part of his soul, and saying -

This is you, right?

Did I get it right?

"Yeah," Jungkook says, but his voice is cracked. "That's how it feels. I think."

It's not Yoongi finding hope -

It's Yoongi singing hope in Jungkook's place.

It's Yoongi, trying desperately to find hope for him.

The tears come right back up, and he holds them back furiously.

"Yeah?" Yoongi asks again. He looks relieved, but still nervous. "You like it?"

Jungkook laughs. It comes out a little choked.

"How - how do I even answer that," he says, but it comes out cracked.

He finally understands why Yoongi never tells him anything besides thank you.

Every time Jungkook hands him a piece of his heart - all Yoongi says is thank you.

It's all that comes to Jungkook's mind now too.

"Thank you, hyung," he says, but it comes out too wobbly.

Yoongi's eyes soften. "Don't cry," he says dryly. "Then I'll cry too."

Jungkook rubs his eyes. "I don't have anything to say," he says, a little fierce. "Wait like. A week. I'll get back to you."

Yoongi laughs. "Okay."

Jungkook rubs at his eyes some more. "What did you want me to do?"

"To sing it, obviously."

Jungkook starts. "The whole thing?"

"Why not?" Yoongi shrugs. "It's been eating at me for weeks now. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with it, why it didn't sound the way it was suppose to - it turns out it's because in my head I heard you singing it. It doesn't sound right with anyone else."

Jungkook stares at him, dumbfounded.

"You want me to sing the whole thing?" he repeats stupidly.

"Yes," Yoongi says. "Please."

"Okay," Jungkook says at last. "Okay."

/

Singing in Yoongi's studio is - something else.

Jungkook keeps his eyes shut tightly, one hand holding the headphones over his head - and he lets the music wash over him, lets it carve its way into its soul, where it feels like it belongs.

He hasn't let himself sing in far too long.

He hasn't let himself do anything, except the bare minimum he's needed to do to keep going.

But the song comes out of him easily, like it's never been anywhere else, like it was buried between his ribs this whole time and all it took was Min Yoongi to realize it.

Jungkook doesn't sing - he just exists.

The words flow through him, and for the first time in too long - he exists.

It strikes him that he's standing in the same place that IU stands, that he's probably even using the same equipment - that they're so far different in life and yet, Jungkook is here. Recording a song, with an honest to god producer. Someone who has his painting hung up on his wall, someone who wrote something so beautiful and said it didn't sound right without your voice, someone who holds Jungkook each time he wants to die and - for the strangest of reasons - seems to love him.

Someone who can't find hope for himself, but wrote it into Jungkook's voice anyway, because he couldn't let himself think about the fact that there might not be any for Jungkook.

The music cuts him open, and Jungkook sings his heart out, every terrible thought inside of him and every hope he wishes he never had.

He bleeds out through his voice, and he lives, and lives, and lives, and he can't remember how he ever left this behind.

He can't believe he let himself forget that there were some moments that he was here for.

Not just with other people. Not just for the times that he was loved, where he could laugh with a friend, where he could have a nice meal with them and feel like he belonged.

Not just existing when there was someone else in the room to see it.

Jungkook existed alone, too.

He was alive alone, too.

Him, and his music - this forgotten part of him, it was always there.

By the end of the song he's crying again, but Yoongi doesn't say anything. He gives him a thumbs up, and a smile, and Jungkook sort of wants to hug him but then he'll probably cry even more.

"You're so good," Yoongi says, and he looks too proud.

It's hard to see, so Jungkook looks away. "You're the one who wrote it."

Yoongi shakes his head. "It's yours," he says. "You made it yours. I was just here on the way."

/

It's weird, getting dressed for an event on his own.

Jungkook is used to someone or the other crashing by his place whenever he has to go somewhere. It's usually just to make sure that he goes - Jungkook is the sort of person who'd sit on the steps leading to the ground floor for about two to three business days if someone let him.

But today, he's on his own.

It's not like he doesn't talk to his friends anymore. He's made up with Taehyung, sort of. And Jimin too. They don't see each other as often because Jungkook tries not to stress them out again, and all the apologies between them were empty because there wasn't anything to apologize for except I'm sorry I wasn't doing okay.

But the fact that they couldn't apologize meant that it was easier to forgive each other, because there wasn't anything to hold against each other besides you weren't doing okay.

So it's not like he doesn't talk to his friends anymore.

He just - he tries to depend on them less.

He would have gone with Namjoon, maybe, but Namjoon is working late because of some breakthrough at the lab, and said he'd go over directly from work.

So Jungkook is here alone.

He leans forward over the bathroom sink, hands shaking as he tries to draw the eyeliner under his eyes. He doesn't think he'll ever get the hang of it. It ends up smudged, and darker than he means for - but it's okay. It's not too bad.

He wipes down his shirt once - it's creased already. He'd tried his best to iron out all the wrinkles but now it's crinkled again where he'd been leaning over the bathroom sink.

He curses, trying to smooth it down, but it still looks messy.

He's starting to get anxious again.

Maybe he should have called Yoongi. Yoongi would have come, for sure - but his place is so far from here. It's easier for him to go straight to Seokjin's place. All of Jungkook's friends live so far.

It would be easier to stay calm if it was just a normal dinner, but - Seokjin is married now. These aren't the weird parties that he and Hoseok used to throw at his dorm room, this is an honest to god new year's party that people who came from money go to.

Jungkook knew it was going to be hell once Seokjin texted him saying dress formally if you can!

Should he iron his shirt again? Or should he change into something else?

He starts unbuttoning his shirt, but his fingers are shaking too much, and in his frustration he gives it up.

He leans over the sink again, trying to breathe.

He can do this.

Jungkook has done all kinds of shit in his life.

He's freaking stayed alive this long.

This is nothing.

The moment he gets there he'll meet his friends, it's not like he's going to be alone.

He can do this.

He has to.

Seokjin doesn't ask him for a lot. Jungkook can do these things for him. He doesn't know what's up with his senior - everyone had asked him if he wouldn't rather spend new year's eve with his wife, and he'd only smiled and said that both of them would be way happier if they had more people around.

Jungkook clenches his fists and lets go a few times, to try to steady his fingers, and then buttons his shirt back up.

He can do this.

He pushes away from the sink and rushes around the house to finish everything he has left to do. He drinks a cup of juice because it's all that he can stomach with his nerves, stuffs his wallet in his pocket, makes sure he has his rain coat because the rain keeps pouring at the worst of moments, and then he thinks he's good to go.

When he's turned out all the lights and pushes the door open -

There's someone standing outside, hand raised to knock.

Jungkook jumps.

"Jimin hyung?"

Jimin blinks, a little in shock, and then he grins.

"You look great," he says.

"Ahh," Jungkook is so confused. "You do too…?"

And Jimin does look great, with his flowery dress shirt and the earring on one ear dangling to his shoulder. He looks great, but also -

"What are you doing here?"

"Thought we could go together," he says easily, but there's something nervous to his voice. "Seokjin hyung said it was a fancy affair, I didn't want to go in alone."

"But - Tae hyung?"

"He said he'll meet us on the way."

"Oh," Jungkook says, still blinking.

It's not like - it's not like they aren't friends.

It's not like Jimin shouldn't pick him up.

But seeing him at his door, the way he used to be those few years ago, somehow always there when Jungkook needed him to be - it unsettles something in his gut.

And maybe Jimin can tell, because he falters a bit, his smile fading into something more hesitant.

"Is this not okay?" he asks.

"No, no, of course it's okay, I'm - "

"I'm not here to make sure you come, if that's what you think this is."

Jungkook stops.

"That's what you thought, right?" Jimin presses. "You think I'm here because you'd be nervous and I wanted to make it easier for you."

"I - " Jungkook swallows. Looks away. "Yeah?"

"That's not why I'm here."

"Why else would you be - "

"That's not what this is," Jimin says, and his voice is almost fierce. "That's never been what this is. You always think I hang out with you to - to protect you, or to take care of you, or whatever - and I do like taking care of you and I'd protect you forever if I could - but that's not - that's not why I hang out with you. I want to come with you because I want to come with you. Why isn't that - why is it so hard to believe that that's it?"

And honestly, Jungkook doesn't know what to say.

He's - he's been used to Jimin taking care of him forever.

It was Taehyung who found him in his first year, and reached out a hand for the very first time, but it was Jimin who first took Jungkook's heart into his hands.

And he treated it with care, and protected it with everything he had. He was always there before Jungkook even knew he needed him, always attuned to when he was sad or hurt or wanted to throw rocks at Yoongi for no good reason - and somewhere along the way Jungkook figured that that was who he was to Jimin.

Jimin loved taking care of people, and that was what Jungkook offered him - someone to take care of.

And that - didn't always feel great.

It didn't feel great because Jungkook never gave anything back.

Jungkook never did anything for Jimin besides give him a fucking headache, someone to worry over and stress about and then finally - someone he needed to avoid because it was too much for him.

Their friendship has always felt a little skewed like that - Jimin is the one giving and giving and giving and Jungkook is the loser who just takes.

"But - " Jungkook starts, and he doesn't know where to go from there. "Why else would you - "

"Jungkook," Jimin says, "We're - we're friends. I don't hang out with you for a reason I can explain, I just - I like you. You make me happy. What happened between us was - that was my fault. I wanted to fix everything for you and hated myself when I couldn't, but - you're my friend, okay? I'm just here because you're my friend. Nothing else."

It's hard to imagine - that Jungkook had anything to offer as a person, but - he can tell that Jimin means it. Or at least, Jimin believes it.

Jimin believes that Jungkook has something to give back, and maybe that's enough for Jungkook.

"Okay," he says. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?"

"I don't know, you're kind of standing awkwardly at my door."

Jimin snorts, but it sounds relieved. "You should be sorry," he says. "When were you going to invite me in, huh?"

"I thought we were supposed to leave, okay."

"Yeah, but still? It's the first time I've been here alone, you should at least offer me a drink or something."

Jungkook mentally scans through everything in his fridge in his head. "Want an energy drink?" he tries.

Jimin sighs. "Let's just go."

Jungkook grins at him sheepishly, and then follows him down the stairs.

It's still a little weird, too much hurt between them, too many days of radio silence - but they can work it out.

They'll be okay.

/

Seokjin really meant it when he said it would be a fancy party.

Which is to say it looks like it isn't going to be much fun at all.

The party is on the roof of the apartment complex that Seokjin lives at. There's a buffet of food lined up at the side, some delicate looking decorations all around the place, and a lot of beautiful people who are well dressed and well mannered, holding glasses of wine as they laugh and chat about whatever they're laughing and chatting about.

It's a far cry from the parties that Jungkook is used to, which are full of people jumping and dancing and music that's too loud and someone upturning a potted plant each and every time.

Maybe this is what it means to be an adult.

Maybe they all get to go around looking dignified and then try to die when no one is looking.

"This wine sucks," Taehyung says, frowning at his cup.

"It's probably expensive," Jungkook muses, staring at his own glass. Taehyung is right, though, it tastes like shit. But Jungkook never had a taste for wine anyway.

"I can't believe this is how hyung would want to spend his new year's," Taehyung says, still frowning at his wine like it's ruined his whole day. "No wonder he invited us."

The desperate message they'd all got to join the party does suddenly make a lot more sense - maybe it was less about Seokjin missing them all and more a cry of don't leave me here to do this  alone I will cry.

"Yesol-noona didn't seem the type to like this, though," Taehyung continues.

"She doesn't," Jungkook says. "This was her dad's idea."

"Ahh. Rich parents."

"Yeah."

"Glad I don't have them."

"Yeah."

"But also I'd kill to have them."

Jungkook snorts.

He agrees, though. It must be great to come from money.

For starters, Jungkook wouldn't think twice before signing up for therapy. Instead of chipping away at his job, day by day, and quietly saving money in his bank account in hopes that someday he can afford it.

Yoongi has been going to therapy again. Regularly, and sometimes he calls Jungkook up at absurd hours when he's had an exhausting session to just talk out loud, full of nerves, and Jungkook just listens in the dark until he quiets down. And then he listens to Yoongi lying awake, just breathing, trying to come to terms with everything that he'd just said.

Yoongi has been doing better, maybe. No one can really tell yet - especially not Yoongi. But he doesn't stay up all night drinking, and the medication puts him to sleep easier.

Maybe that's a start.

"It's almost midnight," Taehyung says, glancing at the sky - like he's some weirdo who figures out the time looking at the stars or something. "Want to make a wish?"

"Sure," Jungkook says.

Taehyung tilts his head, considering. "I want to go on a trip next year," he says seriously.

"Okay?"

"Somewhere really cool. Like the Himalayas. Let's go together, okay?"

"Would you even get time off?"

"Hey, the kids get a summer vacation, why shouldn't I."

"…will I even get time off?"

Taehyung frowns. "You will," he says. "You will, and we'll go on a trip. And we'll look at how big the world is and it's going to be really cool."

"Okay," Jungkook says, warm despite himself. He doesn't really think it'll happen, but it's nice to think about.

A little place somewhere, far from what he's expected to live as. A break, for just a little while, where he doesn't have to live day to day.

It's nice to imagine.

Across the roof, Seokjin is sitting with Yesol, and both of them are whispering to each other about something under their breath with smiles on their faces. Hoseok is next to them, on Yesol's other side - he's attached himself to her the same way he'd attached himself to Seokjin, and the three of them look super comfortable together.

There's Jimin, chatting with a group of people who he doesn't even know - they'd wandered over to tell him that they really liked his shirt and now they're suddenly best of friends.

Then there's Namjoon, and Yoongi, standing in a corner, watching everyone else and having a conversation without even looking at each other.

Maybe Jungkook stares a moment too long, because Yoongi catches his eye and grins, raising a hand to wave at him.

Jungkook waves back, a little embarassed.

"What about you?" Taehyung asks.

"Hm?"

"What would you wish for?"

Jungkook considers it, tilting his head.

There isn't much he can think of, because Jungkook never really imagines a future. He puts so much effort into living each day that wishing for things in the future has always seemed too abstract for him.

But Taehyung seems enthusiastic, so he tries to think harder.

It's hard to think of anything besides I hope no one leaves me.

I hope we can be like this forever.

I hope it's easier to wake up in the morning.

But none of that is anything he has control over - so Jungkook fixes on the one thing he can actually do.

"I want to sing more," he says.

Taehyung's eyes widen. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. It's not like - like. I have time. I spend so much time doing nothing. I want to sing, at least."

He hadn't remembered just how much life it gave him to do, until he stood in Yoongi's studio and sang his heart out.

Maybe Jungkook can't get his brain fixed right, but he can hold onto moments in between where he can feel alive - moments in his control, moments that won't leave him when other people have their own shit to deal with.

Maybe he'll try just a little harder to keep himself alive. Or happy. Or whatever the hell that feeling is.

"That's cool, Jungkookie," Taehyung says, and he reaches over to put Jungkook in a headlock. "I was starting to think you'd given up on it."

"How do you give up on something that you aren't even doing," Jungkook says, scowling as Taehyung rubs his head.

"Hey, you don’t need a career to be a singer. You just are one." He suddenly looks very wise, the way he looks when he's trying to make a point. "You aren't an artist because you make art," he says. "It's just something in your soul."

Jungkook blinks at him, unconvinced. "That sounds like something you tell yourself to feel better."

"Listen, everything is just stuff we tell ourselves to feel better," Taehyung argues. "What other point is there."

Which makes sense, so Jungkook can't even argue.

Taehyung takes another sip of his wine, his arm still holding Jungkook by the neck. "This still tastes terrible," he announces.

Jungkook wiggles out of his grip.

Across the roof, Seokjin looks up, waving at Jungkook to get his attention. Then he points at his watch urgently, gesturing for him to come closer.

Jungkook looks at his watch as well.

Five minutes till midnight.

He looks back up, and Seokjin is calling him over more hurried.

"I think Seokjin hyung wants us there for midnight," he realizes.

Taehyung lights up. "I knew he still loved us," he says, which… wasn't the point, but okay. "I'll just go and catch Jimin, hold on."

He wanders over to where Jimin is, inserting himself easily into the conversation, and Jungkook makes his way to Seokjin.

Seokjin reaches a hand out behind him, dragging him in closer by his shirt, so that Jungkook is awkwardly hunched over his chair.

"You all remember Jungkook," he says unnecessarily, to his audience that consists solely of Hoseok and Yesol.

They both play along anyway, nodding politely and reaching out for handshakes.

Everyone that Jungkook knows is so weird.

"Nice meeting you, Jungkook-ssi," Hoseok says. "How do you feel, about the new year?"

"Uhh," Jungkook says intelligently. "I feel like it's going to be a year?"

The three of them ooh and aah, and Yesol pretends to take notes, and yeah - all of Jungkook's friends are so weird.

"You didn't call us," a voice says over Jungkook's shoulder. It's Namjoon, and he sounds a little offended. "Were you guys just not going to call us over? Be happy at midnight without us?"

"I figured you'd just come," Seokjin says, waving a hand in dismissal. "It's this one - " he jerks a finger at Jungkook, "that I need to keep reminding."

"I would have come," Jungkook says, but it sounds doubtful even to him.

There's another presence over his shoulder that he knows is Yoongi without even turning around.

Jungkook doesn't know if it's Yoongi's natural presence - if everyone can spot him like this the moment he enters a room, or if it's just something twisted in his own head to become very specifically Yoongi centered.

"Three minutes," Yoongi announces.

"Any last words?" Seokjin asks, his voice suspiciously serious.

There's an awkward silence.

"Hyung," Namjoon starts carefully. "You didn't bring us here to - kill us, did you?"

Seokjin grins, almost devilish, and they decide to stop asking questions.

Jimin and Taehyung finally join them. Jimin looks a bit tipsy and super happy, and Taehyung amused despite himself.

Two minutes left.

"So how does this work," Yoongi asks. He's standing behind Seokjin's chair now, holding onto the backrest like he's absently considering tipping him over. He's dressed semi formal, his tie loose around his neck and sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and he looks - really good.

"How does what work?" Seokjin asks.

"Are you sending up fireworks? Do we all just say happy new year? What's the protocol at rich people's parties."

"There are fireworks," Seokjin says. "But not ours. A show nearby. We can see it from here though."

As one everyone looks up at the sky, as if the fireworks are already there.

There's just about a minute left.

"Shit," Jimin says. "Holy shit, it's going to be a new year."

"Are we supposed to do something?"

"How is it a new year already - all I did this year was eat and cry."

Everyone is panicked, but also a little excited, and Jungkook keeps his gaze up on the sky, heart beating out of his chest as he waits for the fireworks to go up.

He can't believe it's going to be a new year either.

It never makes any sense to him, the fact that things have started and then ended and then passed.

The fact that he's lived through moments he never thought he'd get through, and is still here on his way to more.

It doesn't make him feel brave, or heroic, or some shit. It's just a quiet oh in his chest. Like, huh, I did not see that coming.

Who would've thought Jungkook would still be here.

It's almost funny.

"Ten!" someone shouts, and everyone joins in.

"Nine!"

"Eight!"

Yoongi reaches for his hand, clumsy like he isn't even looking, and then fitting their fingers together. Jungkook looks at him, startled, but Yoongi only smiles.

He looks tired - the medication lets him sleep but he's still somehow always exhausted. Something about how the dosage might not be right, or he needs to try something else, or something like that - Jungkook doesn’t know how medical stuff works.

But he's smiling, excited despite how exhausted he is, and Jungkook holds his fingers tighter.

"Three!"

"Two!"

"One!"

The fireworks burst through the sky.

So many lights, pouring into the dark, for a moment lighting the whole world alive.

Jungkook stares at it in awe. Next to him, everyone is cheering, screaming happy new year and variants of the sort, hugging each other and clapping for some reason, and just - being happy for this odd milestone that ssouldn't have much of a meaning for anybody.

"We made it another year, huh?" Yoongi says, his voice quiet in all the noise around them.

They did. They made it another year.

Yoongi laughs. "I didn't think we would." He raises his glass of wine, almost untouched. "Here's to making it through another one."

Jungkook raises his own glass, clinking them together, sealing the promise. Is it a promise, or a hope?

Maybe they'll make it through another year.

And then the next.

One step after the other.

It's too much to imagine right now, but for now, watching the fireworks go up, and realizing that he's still here, and still alive -

It seems almost possible.

/