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One of the best parts of being in a relationship, in Steve’s opinion, was getting to fall asleep and wake up to someone you loved and trusted. When he was with Cath and she stopped by, he always tried to have her stay over at least once. Falling asleep with her after sex, waking up tangled together—it didn’t get better than that.
The intimacy of it was something he missed when they finally broke up for good; it was an empty feeling he ignored, shoving the longing for someone to be there with him through the night down deep, where all the daddy issues Danny liked to tell him he had were.
Whenever he found himself really longing for company, his thoughts more and more often strayed to Danny. The closer they became, the more Steve wondered what it would be like to fall asleep listening to Danny’s breathing, to wake up to him in his bed. It slowly went from a want, to a need; luckily, ignoring his needs was something Steve was good at.
His ability to compartmentalize was all that got him through those months after things with Catherine ended. Instead of focusing on the need to fall into bed with Danny, to chase away that last bit of uncertainty that stood in their way of being something wonderful , Steve focused instead on himself.
Steve put his full concentration on his job, on kicking off the reconstruction plans he’d had percolating for the house for years. He caved to what Danny had urged him to do for years and began therapy, finally working on not just his physical health but his mental, as well.
He worked on his relationship with his sister, as well, video calling every week and delighting in watching his niece grow.
It all left him consistently doing something, so busy he had no time to stop and think about how we wanted to run his fingers through Danny’s hair, to hold his hand—to kiss him so gentle yet fierce that he trembled in his arms.
Things continued on in that vein for a while, until an unforeseen complication arose. And of course, Danny was the one who brought it to light.
“Steven Jack McGarrett!”
The loud shout of his name drew Steve’s attention from his computer, his startled gaze zeroing in on Danny’s unhappy face. He straightened in his seat, nerves upsetting his stomach. The use of his full name could not mean anything good.
“What’s wrong, Danny?” Steve questioned, watching in trepidation as Danny shut his office door firmly behind him. “Did something happen?”
“Yeah, Steven, you could say that. Or rather, what didn’t happen, huh?” Danny stomped his way over, standing before Steve’s desk, his arms crossed defensively. “What didn’t happen last night, Steve.”
Steve sat in silence, mouth dropping open and slamming shut as his thoughts raced to figure out what he had missed. To set off Danny’s temper like it did, it had to be important. It had nothing to do with the team, the work week had been slow so everyone had been going home early with no plans to meet up.
Mary wasn’t due to visit for a few more weeks; Joanie had yet to meet Grace and Charlie, but since it was summer break they had decided to finally make the introductions, as soon as—Steve cursed, digging his phone out of his pocket and scrambling to unlock it and pull up his calendar.
“The kids—shit, the kids left last night.” Steve breathed, staring down at the calendar slot with growing horror. How could he have missed them leaving? The note had been written down since Charlie first asked him to show up two months ago. The kids were going to Jersey for two weeks to visit with their family, and Charlie was ecstatic to finally see them all in person. “I missed it.”
“Yeah, Steven, you missed it.” Danny’s tension eased in the sight of Steve’s obvious confused distress. He dropped his hands down to his hips. “I called you, Steve. Charlie asked both Grace and I to leave you a message. How did you not see that?”
Steve searched his phone and found the missed call and messages in question, another curse leaving his lips. “I never saw the notification, Danny, I swear." He dropped his phone on his desk. “I’ve been having issues, haven't had the opportunity to get to the store..” Steve huffed in frustration. “I can’t believe I missed it.”
Danny walked around the desk, leaning against it next to Steve. “You promised you’d be there to see them off, babe.”
“I know. I didn’t realize it was the 12th already, Danno, you know I would have been there.” He pleaded, hoping that Danny would understand. If he didn’t, Steve knew he wouldn’t be mad. Danny’s kids meant the world to him, and upsetting them was a sure fire way to get on his bad side. Stave could only hope that Danny would let him make it up to them—and forgive Steve himself.
“You…” Danny sighed. “You hurt him, Steve. Both of them, by not showing up. You’ve been too busy to show up for anything, lately, and the kids have noticed.” Disappointment laced his voice, and Steve felt it like an ache inside his heart. He pushed off his desk, “You have a lot of making up to do, when they get back. Grace has her phone on her; Ma’ll have them at home for the day. Don’t wait too long.” With that last piece of advice Danny left his office, leaving Steve to stew in his misery.
—
The call with the kids goes as well as expected. Charlie is upset, but Steve gets an “I forgive you” by the end of the call; Grace, on the other hand, gives her forgiveness with a healthy dose of truth—she expresses her disappointment eloquently, being blunt in letting him know that she was still upset with him. Steve understood it, and let her know that he would be doing everything he could to make it up to her. They ended the call with heartfelt “I love you’s” and assurances from Steve that he’ll be there with Danny to pick them up in two weeks.
By the time lunch came around he knew the kids had called Danny because while still radiating disappointment, the earlier hint of chill had faded and the shorter man had agreed to meet at Steve’s house for dinner after work. Steve knew that he had to explain some things and do some groveling, but Danny was worth it. He always would be.
The rest of the work day seemed to crawl by, the thought of coming--mostly--clean to Danny, combined with finally having him over again leaving Steve an odd combination of anxious and excited. He felt jittery, something that was picked up by his coworkers but thankfully not commented on. By the time the work day had come to an end, Steve barely had the patience to wait for the others to say their goodbyes and leave, eager to get to the store and pick up some Danny approved groceries.
Steve rushed through the shopping trip, hovering briefly in front of the large pack of York patties before thinking "Fuck it" and grabbing two bags. He would keep one in the fridge and one in the freezer--Steve hoped that the impromptu purchase wouldn't go to waste. The minute he arrived home and unloaded his groceries, the front burner of his stove was ticked on and a skillet of meat was sizzling.
While the meat cooked Steve peeled potatoes, quickly settling into a groove. With focused intensity Steve soon had mashed potatoes, gravy, and asparagus ready to be eaten, the steak kept on a plate in the oven to keep warm. It's as he’s setting the table, a bottle of wine chilling in a bucket of ice--a half filled glass set in front of each plate--that Steve hears the quiet rap of Danny knocking on the door. He let himself in moments later, the actions making him ache at Danny ever being unsure of his welcome in his home--a sure sign that Steve had been neglecting their relationship for far too long.
He had just set the last of the food on the table when Danny walked into the room, the set up and low playing music earning a raise of the brow.
“Should I be coming back later, or..?” Danny asked.
Brows furrowed in confusion, Steve looked from Danny to the table and back. “No, Danny. We’re eating dinner, why would you leave?”
Danny looked at the spread again, before shaking his head and finally stepping up to the table. “Right, what was I thinking.”
He lingered in the confusion for a brief moment before shoving it aside, drawing out his own chair and sitting down once Danny had done the same. For a time the only sound in the room was the low drum of the music, the soft clatter of food being dished onto plates, and the clink of a glass being set gently back atop the table. Steve is halfway through his steak, his asparagus long gone by the time Danny lets out a tired sigh and sets his silverware done, his focus lasered across the table at Steve.
“What’s going on, Steve?”
Though he’d had hours to think of what he wanted to say, Steve found himself at a loss for words. He took a moment, eating a few more bites of his steak and potatoes before locking gazes with Danny.
“I...After Cath and I broke up, I was at a bit of a loss.” Steve admitted, eyes dropping back to his food. “There was a lot I had to think about, reflect on. I just needed some space.” The especially from you was heavily implied. “I decided to focus on myself--like you’ve been telling me to do for years.”
He took a moment to collect himself, taking a sip of his wine. “I started to see a therapist, once a week, and I’ve been doing a lot of work on the house. Started with dad’s office, once Mary and I had decided on what we wanted to do with it.” A small smile graced his lips. “We’ve been talking a lot more, as you know, doing video chats. I watch a movie with Joanie every Friday night.”
“I’m glad to hear that, Steve.” Danny started, after a moment of silence. “And I’m very proud of you, as well.” Steve felt a rush of warmth at those words. Making Danny proud was one of the highest accomplishments, in his eyes. There was no one else he’d rather have proud of him, at the end of the day. Except, perhaps, the kids.
“But--” And there’s that word no one ever wants to hear. “That doesn’t explain why you needed so much space from me. ” The crack of his voice is like a punch to the face. “Even if it was just me, that’d be one thing. But, Steven, you distanced yourself from my kids. ” A deep, steadying breath. “Do you realize how much that’s hurt them? The kids have been asking me for months where you’ve been. They’ve both, on multiple occasions, asked me if you’re mad at them, if they’ve done something wrong. Charlie asked if he was still your little buddy. Grace, if you just didn't know how to say that you've moved on.”
If the crack of his voice was a punch to the face, those words are a knife to the chest. Having Grace and Charlie doubt their importance in his life, in how much he loves them… He was left off easy in those phone calls earlier, if that's how they'd been feeling.
"God, Danny. I never meant for that to happen. Please, tell me that you believe me. I love those kids more than anything, I swear." His eyes begin to sting, guilt and heartache starting to overwhelm him. Danny's next words release the flood.
"I was starting to wonder the same, myself." For as soft as the words are spoken, they ring like a bell in Steve's ears. "I understand needing space, or attention being devoted to yourself. I'm a good Detective, Steve, I could see that you were focusing on bettering yourself, somehow. But there's only so many times you can have plans changed, or canceled, or communication cut to the bare minimum outside of work before you start to wonder." A heavy sigh, full of hurt. "You know you haven't said I love you since the week after the break up?"
At those words, the dam bursts. “No, Danny. That can’t be right.” Steve pleaded, tears spilling down his cheeks. There was no way that could have been right, how could he not have been telling Danny he loved him every chance he was afforded? The man deserved to know that he was loved. “ Danny. ”
A heavy sigh sounded across the table. “Oh, Steven…” Through blurry vision Steve watched Danny stand and make his way around the table; on instinct he scooted his chair back, reaching out at the same time as Danny to pull him close, the two folding into one another’s arms.
“I’m sorry, Danny, I’m so sorry.” Steve sobbed, burying his face in Danny’s chest. One of the man’s hands ran through his hair, the other rubbing Steve’s back.
“I know, Steve… So am I.”
And with those words the evening is lost to Steve, swept away in a wave of tears and anguish, Danny falling into his lap, his own tears free falling down his cheeks. There’s no telling how the rest of the night will go, or if Steve will ever be forgiven--by Danny or himself. But for that moment, wrapped around and in the embrace of the one he loved most in the world, Steve truly hoped that, someday, that day would come.