Chapter Text
It was still dark when he woke up. No, he didn’t wake up—he was awakened by the small dog that wanted to leave the room. Fine! He was going… It was too early, but Jiang Cheng had a good night—well, a few good hours—of sleep, and he felt rested and ready to face the new day.
To face breakfast with his guests.
He remembered Jin Ling’s birthday dinner and felt pleased with himself. The last time he saw his nephew before going to his quarters, the boy looked happy, chatting and teasing his friends. He had even gone that extra... one hundred miles and let the “just one meal deal” expand into a slumber party and a second meal. And his nephew’s other uncle was still in Lotus Pier.
It wasn’t a big deal. Really. He had been working on “letting the past go” for the past year, and now he just wanted to punch Wei Wuxian’s face every single time he remembered the shit he said about “paying his debt to the Jiang sect” and “forgetting about the past.” That fucker! Well, he hadn’t made much progress, but unlike what people said, he could control himself—so long as all his buttons weren’t pushed at once. And he could be the better person if he wanted to. Especially if it would make everyone else look stupid.
Jin Ling was happy, and that was worth the minor inconvenience of dealing with Wei Wuxian.
Jiang Cheng had to admit that the other behaved quite well, and it wasn’t at all terrible. It was weird, having Wei Wuxian be civil and reserved, because that was not him. There was still some familiarity lingering in the background, but during dinner, Jiang Cheng confirmed his claim that they were basically strangers now. And that was not a bad thing.
It actually made everything easier.
That person was not his former brother—the one he loved and hated, envied and admired. He was just one of Jin Ling’s numerous uncles, and that label was much lighter. He could tolerate Jin Ling’s other relatives. He had co-parented for years with that snake, after all.
If this became a “once-a-year event,” he was even considering telling embarrassing stories about his nephew in front of his peers—as was his right as guardian. Jin Ling’s other uncle might like to hear funny stories about the kid. Jiang Cheng was sure his sister would have liked that.
“Waff, waff!” The little thing was impatient, and the Jiang sect tapestry was at risk of being ruined.
“I’m awake. Just a second.” He sat up in bed and looked at the white dog, swaying its tail and trying to dig her way out as if nothing had really happened. As if he hadn’t opened his heart to the little animal over a few bottles of wine. It wasn’t much alcohol, and he didn’t even have a hangover, but it was enough to loosen his tongue. The dog was a good listener, and the best part was that she hadn’t judged him last night, wasn’t judging him now, and wasn’t looking at him with pity or disgust. Maybe he really could keep the puppy—but he wouldn’t give Jin Ling or his disciples the satisfaction just yet. He would find out the odds on the current bet and make it so that everyone lost, just so they would learn not to be so nosy.
He lazily fixed his hair because he wasn’t going far—just letting the dog take a little walk.
“Thanks for… you know. Don’t… tell anybody. I’m going to let you go.” It was weird, talking to a dog when he thought about it. He opened the door, but the dog didn’t run away. She went straight for the shrunken form sitting next to the door.
The teenager was leaning against the wall, asleep, all his limbs pulled in close like a ball. And Jiang Cheng was suddenly back in time—back when Jin Ling was around seven and decided he was too big to go to his uncle’s bed after a nightmare, but too scared to stay in his own room, so he slept by Jiang Cheng’s door instead. Jiang Cheng hated that. He never knew where the boy had gotten that terrible idea that only reminded him of another little boy he had once locked outside his old room.
“Jin Ling?” He knelt beside the youth and touched his shoulder. Jin Ling was almost an adult now—he shouldn’t look like a little child anymore. “What are you doing here?”
The teenager opened his eyes, and as soon as he looked at his uncle, the tears started rolling down. Then he hid his face on his knees and apologized.
“I’m sorry, Jiujiu!” The boy sobbed, repeating himself. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I’m sorry…”
“It’s okay, A-Ling.” He didn’t even know what the boy was apologizing for. What the fuck had happened since he went to sleep last night?
“No, it’s not!” Jin Ling looked at his uncle and confessed his terrible fault. “I made you invite him. And that ridiculous ice statue. And you had to meet that rotten corpse because of me! And he… He lied to me too, Jiujiu. I thought he… He acts all smart and cool, but he’s just stupid. And he only thinks the worst things… He doesn’t know anything!”
The boy was talking about Wei Wuxian. And Lan Wangji. And Wen Ning. But mostly Wei Wuxian, because Jin Ling had made it his mission to—not so subtly—bring them back together. Jiang Cheng didn’t blame the boy. He had even indulged him.
It reminded him of his sister and how she would always try to mediate their conversations.
“I know, kid,” he agreed, thinking about what to do next. They were in his private quarters, and it was too early for any servants to be walking around, so he just sat down next to Jin Ling. “I grew up with him. He can fool the rest of the world, but not me.”
A few hours… What the hell had that idiot done in just a few hours to make Jin Ling this upset? Wei Wuxian had a special talent for pissing people off quickly, but Jiang Cheng hadn’t thought he would use it on Yanli’s child. Not on purpose. But his brother was so good at it that sometimes it just happened.
He sat there and waited. The teenager kept sobbing for a while, but he took the dog and placed her on his lap. Petting her did a better job of placating Jin Ling than anything Jiang Cheng could have said.
“I’m sorry,” the boy sniffled again and hugged the dog, taking his time before continuing. Somehow, Jiang Cheng knew this was a different apology than before. “I came to your room last night. I wanted to thank you for… I’m sorry, Jiujiu. I know I shouldn’t have listened, but I did, and… I’m sorry.”
That was the story of his life. He had kept his mouth shut for two decades, and the first time he opened it, his nephew just had to be there to eavesdrop on everything.
Jiang Cheng had poured out his heart to a dog, but he hadn’t stopped there. Oh no. He had yet to drain two bottles of wine, and the puppy had been such a good listener, her dark eyes so understanding and eager… She wouldn’t tell anyone, right?
But apparently, she hadn’t needed to.
No, it wasn’t enough to make a fool of himself in front of his nephew at Guanyin Temple—he had to unload another pile of emotional baggage on the boy as a birthday gift, as if Jin Ling didn’t already have enough problems being a sect leader so young.
The teenager looked bewildered when his uncle suddenly took the dog from his hands. But… that was fair, Jin Ling thought. He had broken his uncle’s trust. He was a bad person. He didn’t deserve a dog right now. Only trustworthy people deserved dogs.
“We’re moving inside. The dog stays out because I don’t want my tapestry ruined,” Jiang Cheng said, letting the dog go. “And you—stay close and come back here when you’re finished.”
Princess took a good look at her boy and his cub, then left.
She kept all the secrets, but she was happy they had escaped their chests anyway. Humans needed that sometimes.
This time, he covered the room with silence talismans so no one would hear what was said inside. It was a little bit late, but the lesson was learned anyway.
“What were you thinking, listening outside the door? A closed door means it is private! Now I’ll have to put silence talismans around the place because I can’t have any privacy in my own room! I taught you better than that!” he shouted, but was losing the heat in his words as he said them, because there was no meaning behind it. He wasn’t angry because his privacy was violated; he was angry because Jin Ling was hurt, and it was his fault for forgetting that teenagers are well known for snooping around. It would be like blaming rabbits for being rabbits. “Dammit, Jin Ling! You were not supposed to hear any of that!”
“I know, and I’m sorry,” he lowered his head and rubbed his nose with the back of his hand. His uncle was walking back and forth like a caged animal while Jin Ling kept sitting on the bed. “I’ll never push for you to invite him here ever again. I’m sorry I did it in the first place. I thought you still had something to say… I thought… But I was wrong.”
“You didn’t force me to do anything. I did it because I wanted to. It was important to you, and it was not a big deal for me. It was a bother, but every guest is always a brother. You are giving Wei Wuxian a kind of importance he doesn’t have,” he explained, because at that moment, the weight of his pain was much heavier on Jin Ling than on himself. The youth was imagining a feeling and intensifying it with his compassion, and he was getting something that didn’t match the reality.
Inviting Wei Wuxian to a dinner right after the episode in the Guanyin Temple was a bad joke, but it happened more than a year ago, and the idea wasn’t so absurd anymore. The wound was still there, but now he was used to the pain, so it didn’t hurt as much. Maybe he would even achieve numbness sometime soon.
Jiang Cheng had years and years to deal with what happened, with the knowledge of what he did, and even after knowing the unwanted consequences, he was mostly fine with that. This new piece of truth was still fresh in Jin Ling’s mind. That’s why he was reacting with such intensity. A few months, at most, and Wei Wuxian would be back on the boy’s good side. And it wouldn’t even be something bad, because meeting the man and the juniors was helping Jin Ling with his new role, so Jiang Cheng just had to suck it up and be thankful.
The boys also didn’t need to make enemies with the Chief Cultivator anytime soon.
It was like… well, like when Wei Wuxian’s own secret had been spilled by the Ghost General. Jiang Cheng was devastated by the news, but for Wei Wuxian, it was old news. It happened ages ago. No surprise factor.
As soon as that sense of novelty was gone, Jin Ling would see everything more clearly.
“I can see you are upset, but you don’t have to be. You just found out what happened, but I’ve known it for twenty years. It was my choice, and I didn’t regret it. I’m still learning how to deal with the rest, but if I said it’s ‘okay’ for you to invite him to your birthday dinner, it’s ‘okay’ for you to invite him. It didn’t tear me to pieces… You don’t need to feel sorry for the poor old me. I’m not that weak.”
“I don’t think you are weak!” He looked at his uncle with large eyes that were still filled with tears but also showed his resolve.
“Good. I’d break your legs if you did. Now stop crying.” He cupped Jin Ling’s face with his hand and wiped his tears with his thumbs.
Jin Ling moved his head so his uncle would retract his hands. Having the other be that soft would just make him want to cry harder. He scrubbed the remaining tears on his sleeve.
“He thinks you were stupid enough to go back alone!” he said, outraged.
“I wanted to do it,” Jiang Cheng replied. He wasn’t particularly proud of that episode, but surviving the slaughter of the rest of your family was no less shameful. And no vengeance would ever be enough to alleviate the guilt. “But he held me back when I tried.” He didn’t even come up with an elaborate lie after that. He didn’t have to say anything because the recent events were right there, providing him with the perfect cover. To be truthful, he didn’t even think he would have the nerve to lie if he had to. It was really a blessing that his brother had already decided how things happened and didn’t ask anything.
“Even so,” he mumbled. That explanation wasn’t good enough. If his uncle was supposed to guess Wei Wuxian and his co-conspirators’ lie about the golden core, the first was also supposed to see through his uncle's erratic act.
“Wait a second… How do you know that? Jin Ling, how do you know what Wei Wuxian thinks happened?”
“Because I…” he looked at the floor and bit his bottom lip. “Don’t get mad, jiujiu. I didn’t tell him anything, but I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I went to his room and asked him about the attack,” Jin Ling explained. He had heard outside his uncle's room until he was finished and didn’t have the courage to announce his presence. Then he went back to his room and tried to sleep, but he was too shaken by what he heard, so he tried something else.
“You went to his guest room, out of the blue, in the middle of the night to ask a very specific question. It isn’t suspicious at all!” he rubbed his forehead with his hand.
“I got more finesse than that!” he reacted to being chastised. Sure, he was yelling loudly at Wei Wuxian and barking at Hanguang-Jun when he tried to intervene at the end, and he might have banished both from Lotus Pier, but he was almost calm when he knocked on the door. He was upset, but he still wanted to hear his other uncle's version of everything, because maybe it was another misunderstanding. Now he knew both brothers had done the same sacrifice for each other, but none of them knew about it back then, and it led them to different paths. Maybe there was something else hidden. Some deeper truth. Maybe they could still fix things, but Jin Ling didn’t like what he heard, so he decided Wei Wuxian was no good. “And he can suspect all he wants. It will make him crazy. Not having the answer. Knowing there is a piece of truth that doesn’t belong to him.”
Ignorance. Jiang Cheng knew that place very well. He lived there for years, thinking it was his brother who didn’t know the whole story. And never being able to tell, because he never wanted Wei Wuxian to stay over a debt he had to pay or even over the promise he made to his parents. He wanted the other to choose him because of him. He wondered if it would have been different if both hadn't upheld their pieces of awareness back then.
He still mused over sharing his piece of truth, but it wouldn’t matter. It never did. And worse than that, it would sound like an excuse. Or it would look like he was still trying to compete for first place, and he was so over competing with Wei Wuxian.
The worst case: Wei Wuxian would decide he still had a debt to pay, and the man would be back in his life out of obligation.
He was tired of the competition, but now he had already dragged Jin Ling with him to the battlefield, and he would have to take the boy out with him too. So he would have to explain what happened to the boy and let him vent his feelings. That was his plan, at least. Jin Ling was easy to anger, but he was different from his uncle and didn’t build up on his hate.
That was the way to go. Then, time would do the rest.
“You must think I’m a hypocrite.”
“Because you didn’t tell him too?”
“I did tell him! The first thing I did when I woke up was telling him I didn’t have a golden core anymore. If I had told him how I got captured, he would have done something stupid. Well… He did something stupid anyway, so it didn’t work,” he pondered. His nephew surely remembered his sorrow and accusations at the temple for him to have done something very similar, but that was completely different. Completely different!
“Why did you do it?” Jin Ling asked.
Jiang Cheng still had trouble admitting it to himself. If he admitted he did it for love, he would have to accept he was rejected… over and over again. Every time his brother chose someone else and twisted the knife a little bit.
He didn’t want to say it out loud, but saying it wouldn’t change anything, really. He was abandoned by his brother. Wei Wuxian left. It was time to admit it. That was the truth of their circumstances, and there was no point trying to deny it anymore.
“He was my brother, and I didn’t want to lose anyone else. I was not thinking about what would be best for the Jiang Sect or anything. I saw the guards, and I was moving before I could think. It wasn’t a big gesture of heroism, it was just a silly child that couldn’t run fast enough to escape.”
His father would have agreed with him, nevertheless. He would also hand the Jiang Sect’s future into Wei Wuxian’s capable hands, and Jiang Cheng would never get rid of that ghost voice in his head.
“I think it was brave.”
“It was useless.”
That was the point: he was tortured and lost his core to save his brother, and Wei Wuxian ended up tortured and without a golden core anyway. All his pain was for nothing. Absolutely nothing—and there was a special kind of agony in that, because it wasn’t only useless, it made everything worse, because it was also misleading. Jiang Cheng never got to know that Wei Wuxian lost his core, and he never got the chance to do anything about it. It also gave Wei Wuxian the opportunity to always be selfless, always be noble, and hide his lack of a golden core.
“My mom’s sacrifice was useless too,” Jin Ling said, his voice small and full of sorrow. More tears followed. Jiang Cheng had to remind himself that Jin Ling was also left behind. They never talked about it, but he could see it in Jin Ling’s need to overcompensate sometimes. Unfortunately, the boy was raised under his influence and inherited many of his signature traits.
Jiang Yanli’s sacrifice wasn’t just useless. It got much worse, because Wei Wuxian lost control, killed many people, and threw himself off the cliff moments later. At the end of the day, Jiang Cheng lost both his siblings, and Jin Ling was left an orphan.
Maybe that was their family’s curse: they couldn’t even try to do good. His father decided to help an orphan… His mother refused to cut off his hand… He distracted the guards, and his sister got in the way of the sword. It all backfired spectacularly.
“Your mom loved you tremendously,” he abandoned his reflections about the past to reassure the boy. “We were living in troubled times, and she tried to fix things.”
“He wastes everything,” Jin Ling breathed. “Both your sacrifices—he just threw them away like they were nothing.”
Yes, he did. Jiang Cheng lost endless nights of sleep wallowing over it while rocking a colicky baby. They were both in pain, but Jin Ling had grown out of it, and there was no way Jiang Cheng would let his nephew fall back into that dark place with him now.
He would have to think harder about it.
It was not easy having a loved one’s sacrifice weighing on your back. It was not easy to honor that. He had barely survived his parents' sacrifice, and even now, knowing what Wei Wuxian did left a bad taste in his mouth. Well… at least he could say Wei Wuxian tried to honor Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan’s sacrifice.
“He saved you at the Stone Castles for all that you told me. It seems that he is trying to compensate you somehow, and you keep giving him opportunities to do so, brat,” he took the opportunity to chastise the boy’s impulsive behavior once more.
“If you are not careful, you will end up with an amputated limb as repayment,” he warned. It was supposed to be a joke, but Jiang Cheng’s tone was too bitter for that to be funny. “I don’t recommend it.”
“You don’t really believe that, do you? That he was just ‘paying a debt to the Jiang Sect’?” Jin Ling wiped his tears and mocked the other man’s voice.
“What are you talking about?”
“Isn’t it obvious, jiujiu? He said that, but he keeps telling stories about when he lived here, and he keeps fishing to find out how you are doing. He is not subtle about it. He even asked me for lotus seeds and spicy oil. And what SiZhui did… You both did that, didn’t you? Why would he tell SiZhui to push me into the water just like he did his brother if it didn’t mean anything?”
“I still don’t get it,” Jiang Cheng said.
“He was lying when he said he was just paying a debt. He did it because you were his brother too. Because he loved you. He still does.” Jin Ling felt he couldn’t stress it enough, so he kept ranting. “He keeps lying about it because he thinks he is no good for you or the Jiang Clan, but I thought that didn’t make sense—that he was just being a coward. And I got it, because you are terrifying… No, you are not terrifying. Well, you are terrifying, but the idea of disappointing you is even more terrifying. I tried to be patient because he is pathetic, and I guessed that was what mom would want me to do, but I won’t do it anymore. He is a shitty brother. He may care for you, but he is not good for you, so he can stay the fuck away—from both of us.”
“Watch your mouth, brat!”
Jin Ling looked defiant at him. He was not going to back down with his words. Yeah, for someone who didn’t want another dog, he ended up with one determined puppy. Two fierce puppies, because the second one chose that moment to dig into the door, trying to go back inside the room.
The younger opened the door to Princess and was back on the edge of the bed, playing with her little paws and telling her how they would join forces from now on to keep that embarrassing brother far away from Pier Lotus. Seriously, his mom was a bad big sister if she hadn't protected her little brother from all the shit Wei Wuxian would drag around him.
Princess agreed excitedly! It goes without saying that she would always protect her purple boy. She just didn’t understand why the yellow boy was so upset. She got sad too when she found out that making some of the guards fall wasn’t enough, but they were together again and the present was more important than past failures.
“Really?”
“She is your dog—it’s her job to protect you. Didn’t you say the same about Fairy?”
“She is not my…” Jiang Cheng wasn’t going to take that bait anymore. “So that’s it. You heard me complain about a bunch of things that happened a long time ago while I was drunk, and you think you should take action because what…? I can’t deal with my own problems and need to be rescued by my nephew? The one whose dippers I changed? Because you, with all the wisdom of your teenage years, know what’s best for me better than I do?” he questioned, giving Jin Ling two seconds to digest all the pieces.
“Becoming the sect leader did go to your head! I know you care, kid, and there is no shame in letting your feelings guide you, but you can’t let them control you. I was just venting. That’s what you do when you drink. Then you go to sleep without the problems you unloaded and wake up the next day with a hangover. I did what I did all those years ago. End of history! It is in the past and it’s over. You won’t get anything good from digging that hole. I forbid you to make any demands or take any retribution on my behalf, because I don’t want to. I don’t want any more retribution than what I already got. It is enough. And on the other matter, Wen Ning was a piece of shit, but at least he told me the truth, and it’s still better to know. And he saved both of us back at the temple, so I’ll just call it even. I don’t intend to be friends with him, and my relationship—or lack thereof—with Wei Wuxian is mine to deal with, not yours. Your relationship with them is your business. I already told you to be careful, but I’m not taking your choice from you. Whatever you decide is fine by me.”
Jin Ling didn’t say anything. He just hugged the dog and looked at the floor. Jiang Cheng thought he had covered all his pitiful drunk speech with this new one, but there was something else—something he was still missing.
“Talk to me, kid. What’s the problem?” Jiang Cheng insisted. The boy still had difficulty organizing and verbalizing his thoughts, and since he also had problems with that process, Jiang Cheng decided some encouragement was needed. “You were happy yesterday with your friends and with your other uncle. I don’t know why that should change because I drank too much, and you heard what you shouldn’t have. It’s ancient history.”
He waited, but Jin Ling didn’t say anything.
“Do you have anything else to ask? Do you…”
“No,” Jin Ling answered. His little talk with Wei Wuxian had covered enough bases before he could get to the aftermath of the attack, and despite Wei Wuxian’s bad memory, the teenager didn’t want to hear it twice. And he would never make his uncle repeat it just to fill a few gaps.
“So, what is it?” Jiang Cheng insisted.
“It wasn’t all bad, was it? Your ‘lonely miserable life’…” he asked after spending some time searching for the right words. Jin Ling had only recently realized that his uncle was not a magical creature who popped into this world all grown up, fully dressed, Zidian in hand and ready to fight. He was only human—flawed and vulnerable. He lost so much, but he had always been there for Jin Ling. He didn’t know his mom, or his dad, and he was still getting to know—and maybe care for—Wei Wuxian, but the boy was thankful he had his uncle, and he felt the stupid tears again because it hurt him knowing not only that his uncle was very close to dying, but that he would have chosen death.
“No, it wasn’t,” Jiang Cheng said as he sat next to the distressed teenager, half-hugging him with one arm and pulling him close. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
Jin Ling hugged his uncle back, wrapping his arms around him so that the other couldn’t see his face. The dog moved to the bed because Jin Ling’s new position wasn’t a good one for her to stay on his lap.
“No, you shouldn’t! What if your people heard you? They would be very disappointed, because they try hard to please you. And the Pier Lotus you rebuilt is their home. People are happy living here. I am happy here. You are part of that and…”
“I know, kid,” Jiang Cheng said, petting the teenager’s hair, because he knew how fortunate he was despite everything. No one could go through life without something happening to them, and, considering the war that befell his generation, Jiang Cheng had to admit that he had done fine.
Most people would take “fine” as a blessing. Only an over-competitive person like him could see “fine” as a form of tragedy, and he was well aware of that. Nothing has ever been good enough, because he was never good enough—and he projected that onto everything else. He poisoned everything else with his inadequacy.
“Do you?” Jin Ling insisted, because his uncle was being dumb.
“Yes, I do. Now listen to me… I’ve always been like this. Nothing is ever good enough. I’ve always felt slightly dissatisfied… with everything. This is all on me—not on you or anyone else.”
Jiang Cheng remembered his sweet sister telling stories about how Wei Wuxian was born with a smile on his face and that he would always be happy, no matter what. There were no such stories about him. If anything, he was born crying and yelling at the top of his lungs—and he never stopped. Living was a painful experience.
“So you’re just going to give up like that? You always yell at me and at your disciples when we make a mistake, and you push us to get better at our forms every time. You should follow your own advice and try to get better too,” Jin Ling said earnestly, hesitating as if he understood the difficulty of what he was asking.
Jiang Cheng looked back at him. He was born in pain and carried that pain with him because it was part of who he was—and he couldn’t really recognize himself without it. But was pain all he really had left? Couldn’t he really go on without it?
“Okay,” he agreed.
“Okay?”
“Yes. Now go wash your face because we have a very pleasant breakfast to attend—with your guests—and there’s no way I’m doing it alone.”
“About that…” Jin Ling began, recounting the last part of his not-so-civilized conversation with Wei Wuxian and how he had banned the two guests.
“Finesse,” his nephew said.
The three boys were waiting outside the room, and all the laughter from the night before was gone, replaced by wary smiles. Jin Ling’s treat came through somehow because there was no sign of Wei Wuxian or Lan Wangji.
Lan SiZhui explained that they had left earlier, and it was clear he knew more—if only by the way he kept avoiding eye contact with the older sect leader present—but there was no reason to press the boy.
Jin Ling was still hugging the little dog—just in case he needed help—and Lan Jingyi and Ouyang Zizhen followed alongside him, making small talk and commenting on the pet.
Lan SiZhui stayed behind with Jiang Cheng and used the opportunity to give him the second part of the message: Wei Wuxian would like to talk with the Jiang Sect Leader. He would be waiting in the city until that evening.
Great. That will be fun.