Chapter Text
“Ed, Em? What’s the difference between a crush and a love?”
She stands behind her friends, watching as everyone finished their goodbyes, laughter ringing through the area as they were reassured that their friend would be returning. A familiar flutter spreads through her chest, followed by an oh-so familiar ache of longing.
“Well… A crush goes away within a few months.”
“Love only grows and is always there.”
Having already said her farewells, the young witch turns and faces away from the rest of the group. If she remained there any longer, she knew that her heart would act before her mind could comprehend what was happening and follow her into the portal.
“Amity.”
Sparing a glance over her shoulder, she releases a sigh upon noticing that her friend was distracted and she refocuses her attention ahead of her; she breaks into a run, keeping her footsteps light and silent by shifting her weight onto the midsole of her feet and rolling onto her toes, increasing her speed.
“Amity?”
She skids around the perimeter, kicking up soil and dirt as she pushes off with a new burst of adrenaline. She hopes the girl didn’t see her leave.
Next time she sees her, she hopes that these feelings will be gone.
“Amity!”
The world around her begins to change as the familiar voice breaks through the cracks, her surroundings crumble and she bows her head from the skies as the marketplace of the Boiling Isles rebuilds itself before her eyes. Everything moves in slow motion as she turns her head, registering the faces of her friends staring at her with confused and worried expressions. Concerned brown eyes meet with her golden pair and reality clicks into place.
She can now hear the chatter of the marketplace, the laughter of some of their fellow classmates, and the bickering between a storekeeper and a rude customer. Amity averts her gaze downwards to see a bowl of steaming hot pasta placed in front of her, releasing a shaky sigh.
“I’m fine.”
A familiar hand reaches over and rests atop hers, Amit y’s heartbeat quickens. Her eyes dart up to look at the owner and she looks away as casually as she could. “Amity, you’re zoning out again. Do you want to go home?”
She shakes her head, avoiding eye contact and pulling her hand away to lift her fork, she stirs the pasta around the utensil. “No, I’m alright,” she answers, glancing up at her friend and offering a small smile. “Luz.”
Luz has come back to the Boiling Isles, she passes between both worlds as often as she wants to; she was mostly gone for the summer for a few years, explaining that her human school starts up when Hexide students graduate. It sounds like a lot of pressure on her shoulders to be traveling between two schools, but she seems to be enjoying herself.
Amity prayed when her friend returned that her feelings for her would be gone, but she was wrong to have hoped for that. The moment the girl had greeted her, Amity noticed a positive change in her that caused the dormant butterflies to erupt; Luz had been happier and much more confident. She was still her quirky, loveable self, but there was a brightness in her eyes that hadn’t been there before.
Amity wishes she hadn’t asked that day… She still remembers the crushing of her heart when she was informed that her friend had found a boyfriend only a few weeks ago.
But, she’d put on a smile and congratulated her.
It’s been three years, however, it still hurts to think about. Especially considering it’s happened two more times since then. The most recent one was three months ago.
Willow’s voice breaks Amity out of her thoughts, she was addressing Luz. “How is your girlfriend treating you? Your last partner wasn’t very nice.”
According to the stories Amity had been told, Luz’s last love interest turned out to be a douche who thought they could control what she did and who she spoke to. Luz had laughed when Amity asked for the person’s address, threatening to burn them alive for the way they’d spoken to her. She didn’t need to know that she’d been serious.
“My girlfriend?” Luz asks, momentarily bewildered. Realization clicks, “Oh! We had to go our separate ways last week, she was moving to a different state and would be too busy to pursue a relationship. We still talk, though!” The tanned girl stirs her straw in her soft drink, “I kind of miss her… It hasn’t been very long, but,” she smiles a little and there’s a sparkle in her eyes, her voice is soft, “I think I actually liked her. Mom said I lit up when I was talking about her, and her friends used to tease us about how I looked at her.”
The world comes crashing down around her, a hollow feeling expands through her stomach as a figurative thorn grows in the depth of Amity’s heart, penetrating and twisting painfully.
“Really?” Gus asks brightly, “You think she’s the one?”
Luz giggles, “Well, maybe, but, uh, she’s…” She taps her fingers against the table thoughtfully. “She’s focused on University right now.”
Amity hand tightens around her fork in a vice-like grip. She keeps her words cool, “And what if she isn’t?” The tanned girl looks at her, confused. Willow gives her a knowing glance, looking almost sympathetic. Amity sighs and rests her head into the palm of her hands, she brushes her hair out of her face as she lifts her head. “I’m just saying… I don’t want you getting hurt.”
Luz places her hand atop Amity’s again, golden eyes glance up at her and eye contact is made. “I’ll be fine, Amity.” Her voice is sweet and reassuring, the pale girl smiles sheepishly in response and Luz turns back to her friends, “So! Anyone want to hear a story?”
It may have been all in her head, but Amity swears that Luz’s touch lingers on her hand for a few seconds before moving away to describe the story she was telling. Pain twists inside of her heart as she watches affection dance in her crush’s eyes, those brown orbs glittering like a thousand, bright stars; the grin on her face is one of pure, unadulterated joy.
She’s describing the person as though they were some kind of mystical being, one of the most beautiful people she’s ever seen.
Despite the mentioned trauma she’d experienced, the girl has a big heart, she’s kind.
She’s welcoming and sweet, always making time for the people she cares about and going out of her way to ensure that they’re okay.
Although she’s a hard worker, she has a humorous side and can take a joke, she’s funny and playful.
She seems to treat Luz well.
And for Luz?
The way she’s talking about her… The way her eyes have lit up… The fact she hasn’t stopped gushing about her to take a breath. Well, it appears that she’s genuinely fallen in love…
She’s lost. Oh, what was she thinking? She’d never had a chance in the first place. She’s her friend , nothing more.
“Oh! And she’s also-”
Amity interrupts, her voice hardly higher than a whisper. “I need to leave.” She pushes her chair away and stands up, hiding her eyes behind her bangs and turning away from them without looking back; she can feel Luz watching her. Amity doesn’t wait to elaborate, she quickens her pace and carries herself further from the small group.
‘What are we so upset for?’ A little voice in her asks scornfully. ‘You knew we didn’t have a chance.’
Amity scoffs out a pained laugh in agreement. ‘She’s happy. We should be happy, too. You ruined everything.’
‘I know.’
How had such a simple crush turned into this ? She’d started out believing that this crush would go away in time, just like all the others. But, it only continued to grow stronger, the light flutters in her heart turned into a whole kaleidoscope.
She knew things about Luz that Willow and Gus don’t, she’s never told anybody . She was always there when Luz needed someone to talk to in the middle of the night, she stayed up past her bedtime and missed out on hours of sleep just so the girl knew she wasn’t alone.
Luz’s gesture in return was something that would never leave her mind; Amity had, embarrassingly, fallen asleep in class, but Luz cast an illusion glyph and wrote down absolutely anything she saw or heard for Amity to catch up afterwards. Amity knew her friend had trouble focusing in class, despite having a strong willingness to learn, but she’d pushed through just to make sure that Amity didn’t fall behind…
When Amity thanked her…
“That’s what friends are for!”
Pain twists and claws at her heart again, numbness spreads throughout her being. She shifts her golden eyes stoically towards her window, staring out at the land before her. “Yeah,” she murmurs, her voice lacking emotion, “friends.”
Her bedroom door opens and she glances behind her, sliding out of her window when she sees Emira entering the room. Alone. Her older sister smiles sorrowfully at her, “Hey,” the woman greets, sitting on the bed with one leg curled beneath her, “Viney and I saw you heading home alone, so I thought I’d come to see if you’re okay.”
Amity sends her a false smile, hoping that Emira won’t see through it. “I’m fine!” She says with a feigned, cheerful voice. “I just, um,” Amity pauses and hesitates, biting her lip before spinning back around to her sister, “I had some homework to finish.”
Emira raises a brow in disbelief, “You’re lying.”
How does she know?
Amity clears her throat, “Well, uh, I thought I had some left over…”
Her sister sighs and gives the younger girl a pointed look, “Amity,” fear crawls up Amity’s spine and she averts her eyes, tapping the side of her arm nervously, anguish begins to swell around her heart, “I know this is about-”
Amity cuts her off with a pained squeak, tears stinging at the edges of her eyes and threatening to spill; “She’s found the one, Emira…” There’s a knot in her throat. Her voice is distorted with agony and grief, despite trying to keep her cool. “I never even had a chance…” A throbbing pain spreads through her being and she sinks to her knees beside her bed, leaning up against the bed frame.
Emira places a supportive hand on her sister’s shoulder as an attempt to relax the quiet sobs wracking through Amity’s body, she makes no move to pull her any closer. “Well, maybe you can just tell her that you like her, and wish her the best?” The suggestion is innocent, having no ill-will behind it. Maybe she could. “But, perhaps you should tell her about the Bond.”
Amity’s head snaps up and she leans away from the woman as if she’d burned her, she wears a horrified expression on her face. Amity grits her teeth, her voice levels rising as she speaks. “Oh, yeah sure, that would go over well!” She throws her hands in the air, “No! I’m not doing that!”
Her hands drop and she steps into a false casual position, turning away from her sister as though she were speaking to someone else, putting on a cheerful voice and a fake smile. “Hey, good luck with that girlfriend of yours! Also, I like you! Did you know that witches form a lifelong Bond with one or multiple persons, and that’s why divorce is very rare?”
Her sister sends her a bored look when Amity drops her act.
The younger woman steps towards her again, “I can’t tell her any of that! Have you met Luz?! If I told her any of that, she would feel bad and want to help! She literally has a shirt that says ‘act now, think later’!” A hollow feeling spreads throughout her chest, leaving a numbing ache where her anxiety and adrenaline had been. “That’s one of the things I love about her… She has such a big heart, always putting everyone else’s needs before her own… I can’t ask her to sacrifice her entire future because of my ridiculous crush.”
“Love.”
Amity glances at her sister again, holding her arms tight around her torso with her hands over her elbows as an attempt to bring herself some sort of solace. “What?”
Emira offers her a tiny, sympathetic smile. “You’re in love with her, Mittens…”
A moment passes as the words settle into her brain.
A hysterical laugh escapes her lips and she brushes her bangs out of her hair with a shaky breath, tears stinging her eyes as pain throbs inside of her chest again. Emira’s right. She’s actually, genuinely fallen in love. She’s fallen in love with someone she could never have, and the Bond will likely never allow her to move on.
“Oh, Titan… What’ve I done…?”
It becomes harder and harder to continue hanging around her friends, but Amity pushes through and conceals her grief by putting on a bright smile, no matter how badly she wants to cry. Her friend was in love, the least she could do was support her and wish her the best, even at the cost of her own heart.
There were many, many times where she’d been so tempted to confess to her friend right then and there, she holds back and instead, plays her usual role as the best friend.
She’s fine with her part, she could be happy if she could just not pay attention to what Luz was saying about the girl. Everything’s going smoothly, Amity has learned how to suppress her pain in a new way; Luz, however, begins to become more nervous and she constantly taps her fingers across her knee. Amity swears sometimes she can feel Luz watching her from behind her dark bangs, an anxious expression on her face.
“I’m going to ask her out next week.”
Amity chokes on her drink and the three of them spin around to look at Luz, following closely behind them. “What…?” Amity whispers, her voice tight and cautious. “You can’t be serious, Luz…” She clears her throat, “Didn't you say she went to, um, college?”
Luz nods once, “Well, yeah,” she’s avoiding eye contact with them, rubbing the back of her neck, “but here recently, we’ve been hanging out a lot more, and… I think I might be ready.”
The world crumbles around Amity once again, dissolving into useless little fragments and fading into an endless, black hole. She feels like the ground’s fallen out from beneath her, agony twisting in her chest like bony, long claws embedding themselves torturously into her heart.
“Are you… Sure?” Willow asks tentatively, shooting Amity a worried look. “There is… anybody else?”
Luz shakes her head and she smiles, confidence sparkling in her brown eyes. “She’s the one, I can feel it.”
“...Okay.” Willow smiles supportively, “Well, good luck! I’m happy for you!” She genuinely is, but she knew Amity was hurt, so she sends her an apologetic smile.
Amity forces her own smile, locking away her internal heartbreak. Inside, she’s crying, there’s a hollowness in her chest that wasn’t there before. “You deserve it, Luz.” She whispers her friend’s name and turns away from her, shielding her face from her ecstatic friend so that she won’t see the tears gathering in her eyes.
It shouldn’t hurt this much to know that Luz would never look at her that way. She’d known this from the very beginning. So, why was she so upset?
She should be happy for her. She can’t help to feel a tiny bit of resentment, but never towards Luz, instead, it’s directed at herself.
It was entirely her fault for falling in love.
“So!” Gus speaks up to break the tension between the four of them, he claps his hands together excitedly and his ears perk up. “Anybody gonna be there for the Wailing Star event tonight?”