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He didn’t deserve it. He knew it, but he kept going. From time to time he believed it but sometimes he just preferred to give up everything. It was stupid to feel like that, everyone was like that. He didn’t speak much, he was a very reserved person and when he finally decided to open his mouth he had the impression that nobody listened to him. He didn’t like it when you didn’t listen to him. So he got into the habit of not talking and being very discreet. His parents didn’t help much, they were never there for him.
He was currently sitting in bed looking at his phone. For a few days he had become accustomed to watching the performances of other members of his group. 'What are they unbelievable,' he thought. 'In reality, he would have liked to be a little more talented, like them. He decided to go see the number of views and the numbers of likes on each video and not surprisingly his was obviously the least viewed and least liking video. At the same time He was only Kim Seungmin, a simple vocalist.
" -min, Seungmin you hear me ?"
The brown one quickly raised his head. He was looking at the number of views on each member’s video. He realized that he was the only one with the least view. Is this obsessed Kim Seugmin, the incredible vocalist of STRAY KIDS? The answer was obviously. He dropped his phone, put it in his pocket before finding his attention to his "little brother". He gave her a smile, fake of course
"what’s wrong with innie?"
" Ugh ... Don’t call me hyung." Why did I.N’s comment hurt him more than the other times? Yet he used to tell him that all the time.
"I came to ask you if you wanted to eat with us." The younger one put himself in the frame of the door waiting for an answer from the older one.
Was he really hungry ? he could pass that meal. Anyway, he’d done it a few days ago, so one more day wasn’t gonna change anything. Though intelligent Seungmin changed his excuse. He swung his head from right to left.
" No thanks innie but I’ve already eaten" He hoped that the younger one would leave her alone, but he asked too much.
Jeongin looked at his hyung with a bored look.
" It’s been 4 days since you ate with us hyung. we are worried you know."
Of course he knew it. He also knew it wasn’t true. No one cared about him, no one was there for him. They too wanted to get rid of him as others did.
" Don’t worry about me, Jeongin." He said turning back his back.
"If you are looking for us we are all in the kitchen"He did not even deign to answer.
What it would have been used for. Once the door closed the tears ran down the young man’s cheeks. He was tired, tired of having to lie and smile when all he wanted to do was cry. He wanted to have someone who could be with him in bad times. But he couldn’t bother them, they already had a lot of problems.
After a few hours his belly began to growl. But he ignored the noise and pain that this might bring him. He continued to look at his phone but especially the comments:
"Did you see how Hyunjin dances well?"
" The rap of changBin, BangChan and Han are so powerful"
"Wow! Felix’s voice is so charming"
"I didn’t know Minho had such a voice"
"I.N Isn’t too cute >0<!!!"
But nothing about him. It is as if he did not exist in the eyes of others. Seungmin cried silently, he did not want to feel like that. Why could he not be loved like the others, why must he always be the one who suffers first?
The voices in his head told him to give up but his body wanted to resist. He wanted to stay for them but he also wanted to go see if anyone would notice him. Seungmin was just destroyed. He eventually fell asleep, leaving the last tears running.
The next morning Seugmin got up late, today he had to go to practice to prepare their next comeback but Seungmin felt that something was wrong but he decided to put away this bad thought. He prepared and went to join the others in the car.
Once in the vehicle all eyes were on our young man who hastened to put his headphones in his ears so as not to hear the questions of the members. Seeing the distant behavior of the youngest person did not ask himself any questions. He must still be tired, bang chan will speak to him later.
Arriving in the training room they warmed up a bit and then their choreographer came and asked them to take their places so they could start dancing. At first everything went well.
Everyone followed rather well, but little by little Seungmin struggled to follow. He missed steps, shook some of the boys, slipped ... The choreographer had reminded him several times to be more careful, that he would end up hurting someone or hurting himself. More than annoying by the behaviour of the young artist he decided to cut the music. The members s will all blow out of their noses looking at Seungmin, who had his hands on his knees.
"You’re playing what Seungmin" said the choreographer.
"Sorry?" He said, raising his head
"You haven’t stopped pulling the others down for a few days. If you don’t want to dance and make everyone move then don’t come by carrying your nose back into my room" He said with a dry tone passing his hands in his hair.
" I'm Sorry"
"I don’t care what you say, prove it to me instead"
Seugmin remained silent. 'I really pull the members down' He didn’t want to look around, he didn’t want to see their worried faces looking at him. Bang Cha, the star kids leader put his hand on his shoulder.
" You want us to stop there?" said the blond gently.
No ... Seugmin didn’t want him to put on coats for him. He even prefers to leave than to keep them. Anyway, they would be much better without him. He knew it and he had always known it, but now that the choreographer had told him, he was sure of it. He was a heavyweight.
" No, don’t stop for me," he took his breath. "keep going"
Bangchan made a sign to Han to put the music back on. They took their places and started dancing as before. Seugmin struggled to keep his eyes open. He turned once, twice and 3 times ... The sound of the youngest body on the floor frozen the room. Everyone ran towards him. Seungmin opened his eyes to see all his friends gathered around him.
"Don’t move too much."
"Are you okay."
"You scared us"
"Where are you hurt Seungminnie ?"
Too many questions, they all asked too many questions. Seungmin became aware of the situation, he could not show that he was weak, not now. He sat down quickly. His rapid movement clouded his vision for a few seconds before it returned to normal. Everyone watched him rise up worried. Seungmin looked at them.
"I’m fine. I just need to get out for a while."
" Seungmin wai-" And without a word he left the room.
While walking in the corridors he had hoped to see a member arrive behind him, asked him to stay. But when they turned around no one was there, they no longer needed him. Seungmin went up the stairs, pushed the door and arrived on the roof of the building. He liked to come there when his mind was busy with something. The fresh air tapping against his face made him feel good. Seungmin felt free. It was as if he could fly.
The minutes had passed and he was still sitting there. An urge took him, he stood up and walked. He walked to the edge of the building. "What a beautiful view ..." As usual, his tears ran down his cheeks. He had always tried everything to feel better and not to affect the morale of others but this time it was too much. He had kept too much for himself and at some point he had to explode.
But he was grateful to himself for not crying in front of others. He drew closer and closer to the edge, and so sat. His feet swayed in the void. 'If someone comes and pushes me, I can die' he think. Seungmin take a deep breath and shouted, he cried until he had no air. He wept loudly just to have all this suffering come to an end. So caught in his thoughts that he did not hear the roof door open behind him. Rapid steps were heard. Seungmin was surprised when arms came around his pelvis and held him tight.
"I'm begging you, don’t do it!" said the little voice behind him.
Seungmin turned to see the face of his hyung.
" H-Hyunjin?" His voice broke He came down from the small ledge.
Hyunjin though too worried pulled him away from the ledge. The older took the younger’s face into his hands.
"Why are you crying Minnie?" Seungmin wiped his cheeks quickly.
Did he have to talk about it. Hyunjin cut him off from his thoughts.
" If you don’t want to talk about it to others I can understand, but you can tell me anything you know."
In agreement with these words Seungmin cried in the arms of the oldest. He and Hyunjin will fall to their knees on the floor. Seugmin gripped hard the clothe of this one.
"You can let everything out Minnie I’m here now, you’re not alone anymore"
A thought crossed the mind of the vocalist. No, he could not, he had no right. He was not like them
.
"Minnie, tell me what’s going on in your little head. I could help him get better" he kissed the top of his skull.
" I don’t deserve it, I know I don’t deserve it "
He Cried.
"But stay with me a minute, I swear I'll make it worth it"
He promised.
Hyunjin got closer and took him back to his arms. They stayed like that for a long time. While Seungmin was crying, the older one had sent a message to the leader saying that he and seungmin were going to return a little later than usual but that he should not worry. When Seungmin was finished he looked hyunjin in the eyes.
" Are you ready to tell me what’s wrong?"
Asks the oldest. Seugmin simply nodded as an answer. He took a big bite of air, where to start.
"Take your time." He stroked her back.
" Am I a mistake?"
"What?" Hyunjin didn’t understand what Seungmin wanted to tell him.
"I’m in pain. I’m in so much pain. I feel like I’m nothing to anyone. I just feel like no one loves me and if I..." he stopped " and if I disappeared no one would notice. I don’t matter to anyone, even the stays started to forget me. I keep holding you back. Because of me you miss most of the training and- Seugmin had his hands cut off and Huynjin came to rest on his cheeks.
" O great never will we think like this of you. No, Kim Seungmin, you’re not a mistake where I don’t know what bullshit yet. We STRAY KIDS love with all our heart and cannot stop doing so. You’re a very precious person to us, Seungmin, without you we’re not STRAY KIDS. We didn’t miss any training, we’d rather take care of your health instead of taking care of work."
Hyunjin kissed his cheeks
"I" *smack* "love you" *smack* "more" *smack* "than anything" *smack* so don’t doubt that".
While speaking the tears of Hyunjin could not stay long in his eyes. Seungmin quickly wiped the tears from the older man’s cheeks.
" Why are you crying hyung?" Hyunjin couldn’t take it anymore.
He took Seugmin for the umpteenth time in his arms, burying his head in the neck of the youngest.
" Because you scared me silly. I really thought you were going to jump ... Never do that again" Seungmin rubbed the back of the eldest sound. He was lucky to have it. For the first time in a long time a real smile appeared on his face.
"Stop crying hyung, 'cause of you I’m better"
After that the whole group had a big talk. Seungmin spoke, revealing all his feelings, why he no longer ate, why he remained distant. Hyunjin even mentioned the roof episode. But this time he wasn’t doing it alone. All along Hyunjin had held his hand. STRAY KIDS finished their evening in the living room cuddling with each other. They promised each other that if this happened again he would talk about it.
" I’m lucky to have you." He smiles.