Chapter Text
“Ahh?! Who’s there?!”
“It’s just me, Bernie. Are you ready to go on our walk?”
“I… maybe? I think so… oh why’d it have to be at night… can I bring Mr. Stuffylumps?”
“Sure! The more the merrier.”
And so, with Bernadetta clutching a well-clutched stuffed lion (with Dorothea’s hat, shh), and Mercedes with an extra shawl, they began their leisurely stroll.
Not after long, Bernadetta asked, “Mercie? Can we sit and take a break for a bit?” and they sat on one of the stone benches.
“You know, Bernie, I thought that walking would help tire you out and maybe help tire out your mind, as well!”
Brows raised, Bernadetta didn’t know what to do with that information. She fidgeted with the lion’s paws, making them clap together.
“You wanted to… help me?” she finally asked, sinking into the bench.
Mercedes looked at Bernadetta with shock. “Of course I do! Everyone wants to help their friends when they’re going through something,” she declared with a nod. “You’re my friend, Bernie, and a lot of other people’s friends, too. They’d be sad if something happened to you or you left.”
Bernadetta nearly screeched out, “ Who told you?!” before clamping her mouth shut, then clamping Mr. Stuffylumps’ mouth shut as well.
After a flinch, Mercedes continued on, “Dorothea, actually. We’re worried for you. You don’t come out of your room, you… don’t seem to feel safe here.” Although she said it as a statement, she still searched Bernadetta’s face. The only noticeable thing was that she buried her head in her stuffed lion and her shoulders started to jump up and down.
“Oh no, Bernie, are you alright?”
Bernadetta sniffled, then dried off Mr. Stuffylumps. “Oh, Mercie. I just… Here, can we walk again, but slower? I… I trust you. I trust you, yes.”
They got up and walked -- slower, at Bernadetta’s request.
“I feel like a burden, Mercie. There’s no other succinct way to put it. I feel like this burden and ‘oh everyone’s worried about Bernie’ and then I feel guilty and sad that I can’t be with my friends and then mad at myself because I should be able to but I can’t and I hate myself. I hate myself !”
Mercedes lifted a hand, wanting to place it upon Bernadetta’s shoulder, but unsure if contact was what she needed. And she probably needed to vent more than anything, so she listened, worried grimace and all.
“And these stupid floors and ceilings ,” Bernadetta pointed to the rooms, “they’re so old, they creak so much ! Every stupid noise makes me jump! It sounds like somebody’s there, that he’s there again and-and-and-a--”
Mercedes intervened. “Are you okay with a hug right now, Bernie?”
Face indistinguishable, eyes staring far off with terror, tears waterfalling down, she nodded. As soon as she saw the movement, Mercedes moved in and hugged her for as long as she cried. Which was a long time, but Mercedes didn’t mind. What else were friends for? Not everyone can keep it together 100% of the time, and traumatized people like Bernadetta lived an even harder life, trying to hold it together. The important part is to let yourself fall apart. It’s okay.
And so, Mercedes echoed that narration: “I’m sure you feel all these judgmental words like ‘bad’ or ‘stupid or ‘weak’ or ‘burdensome,’ right?”
Bernadetta nodded, so Mercedes continued.
“I want you to know that it’s okay to let yourself fall apart , Bernie. Everyone has their own way of showing it and sometimes it may not be obvious, but you have to be gentle to yourself when your body is screaming at you that it’s too stressed and it’s had enough.”
They stayed like that for a bit, before Mercedes pulled away with a twinkle in her eye.
“Ooh! I have an idea! How about we talk about places that make us feel safe?”
“Nowhere,” came Bernadetta’s immediate response.
Mercedes shook her head. “It doesn’t have to be here! It can be in your imagination! You can take parts of things you like, or find comforting -- like Mr. Stuffylumps, for instance -- and place it in your safe room in your mind! And you can do that to anything. If you like the ocean? Have the setting be a beach.”
Bernadetta, for the first time, lifted her head up where her head could be seen. “Do you really think that would work?”
“Well, it’s worked for me, so I figured ‘why not have Bernie give it a shot, too’!”
“Okay, well…” Bernadetta said, in thought. “I like… cats ! I love cats! And dogs! Though sometimes they scare me when they bark and they’re big and they gonna eat me a--”
“Okay, nothing scary in your dream world! Cats it is, then! What else?”
“Hmmm, oh! I like. Um. Art.” Bernadetta suddenly became bashful. “And creating things!”
Mercedes clapped her hands together. “Splendid! I know I really like singing in the choir and being in the cathedral, so that’s where my imagination safe zone is!”
“Ooh, ooh! And I like the greenhouse! Though the lady who takes care of them always glares at me and I think she hates me and she knows I like flowers now and oh my god what am I going to do next time I go in there just ignore her? I don--”
“We cast aside this woman from your safe zone!” Mercie said. She was sadly impressed with how quick Bernadetta’s mind could jump to the least likely, most dangerous scenario, and run with it.” “Ooh, how about exercise? Like running or training? Swimming?”
“Well… as long as none of the guys are around, they used to make fun of me!”
Mercedes’ grows raised. “Really? Who here did that to you?”
Bernadetta blinked and realized, “Oh. I guess no one. It was the boys growing up. I just… assumed that everyone , would make fun of me, too…”
“Ahh, Bernie, I see. Well, rest assured, if anyone gives you any strife, you tell me and I zap ‘em!”
“Zap em?!”
“Mmhmm!” Mercedes looked proud of herself. “I’ve been learning the dark magical arts just for such an occasion!”
Benadetta’s eyes went wide. “Wow… you’d do that for me…?”
Mercedes sighed. “Of course, I would. And many others would, too. If you want an even better pair of cheerleaders than me, go talk to Dorothea and Ingrid! They had no fear about letting the boys have it if they misbehave!”
“Okay, yeah! That sounds like a plan! Maybe I can even have them… come with?”
“ Yes! ” Mercedes yelled, triumphant. “That’s what I’ve been trying to inch toward this whole time! You just admitted you want to spend time with us! And that’s all we’ve wanted, too, Bernie!”
Furrowing her brows, Bernadetta looked around, as if she’d just been pranked. She whispered to Mercedes, “I’m… I’m not being pranked am I? This is real?”
Mercedes nodded, with a huge, comforting smile on her face. “We would love to have you have dinner with us sometime! We don’t think you’re a burden at all - we want to get to you better, and in one conversation, I’ve learned that you like cats and are a little scared of dogs, like to do art and create, and think the greenhouse is calming. That’s already a lot to go on!”
Bernadetta pulled her feet up on a bench and let out a shaky sigh. “Can we talk about our… evil zones? Anti-zones? Uhhhh…”
Mercedes giggled. “That’s a great idea! We can all share our fears, too! That really helps solidify friendship bonds! Well, that, and cake, of course.”
“Cake?!”
“Annie makes the best cake, I’ll have to ask her to make you some!”
“Well, my birthday’s coming up soon, so maybe…?”
“Sounds perfect!”