Chapter Text
“What is this?”
Snickers go through the office as Jean holds up the picture.
“I think that’s Shadow the Hedgehog, ma’am,” Timaeus speaks up.
Jean crosses her arms. “Explain.”
“Well!” Timaeus turns his chair around. “Shadow is an anti-hero, and even though he wants to protect humanity-”
“I mean why was there a picture in the restroom of him saying ‘nice cock bro!?’”
No one tries to hide their laughter this time and Jean sighs before crumpling up the paper and tossing it into the trashcan nearest to Kaeya’s desk.
“Tomorrow, HQ will be sending two managers for a week to make sure our office is up to professional standards.” Jean reminds the room. “I expect everyone to be on their best behaviour. And please remember, if you have any troubles at all, my door is always open.” Idle chatter resumes as Jean walks back into her office. No one sees her bury her face in her hands.
*
“I trust you will all do your best to make Mr. Ajax and Mr. Mouche feel welcome here.” Jean concludes. Someone yawns.
“Um, Scaramouche is one name actually,” the ginger man corrects with a smile. “And please, call me Childe!”
“Who the fuck calls themself Childe?” Aether whispers to his sister.
“Like it would be one thing if that was the name he got stuck with at birth,” Lumine nods. “But choosing that? I’m embarrassed for him.”
“My apologies!” Jean corrects herself quickly. “What is your last name?”
“Just Scaramouche,” the short man replies.
Jean blinks. “You only have one name?”
“Not everyone can have a million names, Jean, stop being so insensitive!” Someone calls from across the room.
“B-but!” Jean flusters. “Everyone has a last name… right?”
The staff members looks around. “Jean, what’s your last name?”
“Gunnhildr?”
“That totally sounds like something out of a fantasy world!” Xinyan exclaims.
“It’s Germanic Norse,” Jean frowns.
“Germanic? Like Germany?” Sarah pipes up. “That’s a real country? I thought they made that up for Oktoberfest.”
“Like how they made up Ireland for Saint Patrick’s!” Timaeus adds.
Lumine leans over to Aether. “I think interning here was a bad idea.” Aether nods in agreement.
“Everyone!” At Jeans call, the room quiets immediately. “Let’s conclude our meeting. Let’s all act natural and work as hard as we always do in front of our guests.”
*
“So what exactly do you guys… do here?” Lumine brushes some dust off her dress. Besides her, her twin brother breathes out a sigh of relief.
“Okay, I thought I was the only one who didn’t know and I was way too afraid to ask,” Aether blurts out, his face flushed.
“Well, Sarah makes the coffee,” Kaeya explains as he files his nails. “Xinyan arranges office parties, and Albedo and I are taking care of Alice’s daughter while she’s on vacation.” He examines his hand for a moment before continuing. “Timaeus and Sucrose are the beard couple but we all pretend we don’t know they’re gay even though it’s completely obvious.”
Lumine and Aether exchange a look. “So no one here actually… works.”
Kaeya flips his hair gracefully. He knows it’s graceful, he spent half an hour practicing it in front of the mirror this morning. “It’s not that we don’t work,” Kaeya gives the twins a blinding smile. His teeth are whiter than Jean. “It's just that Jean is a strong, capable woman, who can handle all the work in this office alone."
"I can't believe you're letting her do everything so you can loaf off!" Aether exclaims in disbelief.
Kaeya leans back in his chair. "Well, you can go help her, or, you can stay at my desk and we can all get manicures."
The twins share a look, and promptly take a seat.
*
“Heyyyy, Xiaooooo!” Xaio hears the melodious voice and tries to make his face seem uninterested.
“Do you have business here?” He crosses his arms when his eyes land on Venti. Or, more popularly known by his stage name, Barbatos.
“As a matter of fact I do!” Venti twirls one of his braids with his hand. “A certain security guard working here is supposed to take me out to dinner soon.”
It feels like there’s a firework going off in Xiao’s chest. “Absolutely not. Are you done?”
Venti stretches out his arms and takes a seat on a railing near the entrance. “Well, I guess we can have food delivered here… but it’s not as romantic…”
“I will kick you off the property for loitering.” Xiao says softly. It’s hard to be threatening to a cute boy laughing at you. It’s not that Xiao condones Venti’s joking attempts at flirting, it’s just that sometimes, when he’s alone at night and can’t fall asleep, he thinks about the boy’s smile and his heart rate picks up. That’s normal, right?
“Kaeya said you’re not allowed to kick me out,” Venti sing-songs. He rummages through his adorable hello kitty bag, and takes out a slip of paper, holding it out for Xiao. “By the way, ooooh, you wanna come to my next show so bad it’s embarrassing!”
“No thanks,” Xiao huffs. Venti smiles a bit sadly and puts the ticket back in his bag. Xiao would feel bad, but what is he supposed to do? He couldn’t admit he already bought tickets a week ago.
*
Kaeya: so any bets on when the two managers will get together
Jean: Kaeya, the office group chat is for official matters only. This is not an appropriate work topic.
Kaeya has removed Jean from the chatroom.
Kaeya: anyway 50 bucks says we find them fucking in the closet
Lisa: LMAOOOOO i’ll take a piece of that action
Hu Tao: lisa ur not even gonna defend ur wife… cold blooded
Timaeus: wait why is hu tao here
Kaeya: shes an honorary member of our staff
Hu Tao: hey b*****s
Hu Tao: wh
Hu Tao: why is b***** censored..??
Kaeya: xiao made me censor bes/tie bc he hates the word
Hu Tao: wtf
Amber: xiao doesnt even read the chat!
Xiao: Yes, I do.
Amber: WTF
Timaeus: is he always lurking ??
Xiao: I do not lurk. I simply don’t need to speak here very often.
Xinyan: omg xiao in the groupchat what will he do
Xinyan: xiao say nyan
Hu Tao: XIAO SAY NYAN
Xiao: Nyan?
Xinyan: NYNA XIAO REAL
*
“Lumine! Truth or dare?”
“If I pick dare, will you ask me to fight you again?”
Childe rubs the bandage on his hand. “Ahaha, no, no. It was a draw, but you’ve definitely proven your skill.”
“Um, you broke an arm and she’s completely fine,” Aether speaks up. “How is that a draw?”
Childe waves his arm. Well, the one that’s not broken. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“What’s going on here?” Heads turn towards the door of the break room to see a girl with long dark hair.
“Heya Amber!” Xinyan calls. “We’re just getting to know the visiting manager!”
Amber frowns and places her hands on her hips. “Lunch ended 15 minutes ago! Jean will be upset if she catches us lazing around like this.”
“I hardly consider this lazing around,” Childe smiles. “I’m getting to know my co-workers and learning their perspectives! I find it very productive.”
Amber looks conflicted before she sighs and takes a seat next to Timaeus. “Well, in that case it would be rude of me to not participate...”
“Alright, my turn,” Aether turns to Timaeus. “Truth or dare?”
“Truth!”
“Are you gay?”
Timaeus chokes on his coffee. “I have a girlfriend!”
“He’s dodging the question!” Lumine yells.
“If you were gay, hypothetically, would you consider me the most fuckable guy at the office?” Childe jumps in.
“That would be Albedo…”
“What?”
“Amber is right!” Timaeus slams his cup on the table and stands. “We need to get back to work!”
“Why was Tim running out like something’s on fire?” Venti pokes his head into the breakroom.
“We were playing- holy shit, Barbatos?!” Childe exclaims. Venti playfully winks.
“The one and only! Would you like an autograph before Xiao-”
“Venti!” Xiao runs into the room. “You’re not allowed to- Tartaglia?!”
Childe goes pale- paler than usual, which is saying something for a Russian man.
“Xiao!” Childe says nervously. “What a nice surprise! I didn’t know you worked here!”
“You two know each other?” Venti looks between the two of them.
“You fucked my dad!” Xiao yells. Xinyan records the scene on her phone while Aether and Lumine share the popcorn.
“Ah… how is Zhongli?”
“AHHHHH!”
/
Lisa pauses, holding the teapot. “Sweetheart, do you hear something?”
Something crashes in the next room over. Jean sips her tea. “Not a thing.”
*
“Sucrose!”
Sucrose yelps as the voice thunders into the office. The short man with the big hat glares at her. “We need to speak about your work performance. Privately, now.”
Sucrose trembles as she stands up, the worried eyes of her coworkers following her. Scaramouche doesn’t wait for her to catch up, walking into the meeting room without her.
“I’m sure it’s nothing serious!” Timaeus assures her.
“If he hurts you, let me know so I can tell Albedo,” Kaeya chirps in. “He knows how to hide a body.”
“N-no,” Sucrose stutters meekly. “I… I need to be able to face my own problems head on. But thank you.”
Ignoring the pounding in her chest, she rushes into the room before her legs can give out. The visiting manager gestures to the chair in front of the desk and she all but collapses on it. The only sound in the room is from the ceiling fan, decades old.
“Miss Sucrose.” Scaramouche seems to be glaring holes into the motivational dog poster next to the window. “I’ve heard you’re seeing Mr. Timaeus?”
“Y-yes!” Sucrose grips her skirt nervously. “But we don’t bring it into our work place! We-we work together professionally and don’t let our relationship affect our jobs!”
Scaramouche nods a few times and Sucrose must be hallucinating, because he seems to be blushing .
“And how… how do you ensure that you can continue working together even when in a relationship together?” Scaramouche is refusing to look at her now, his face pink. “What would you do if there was a break up?”
Sucrose hesitates for a moment.
“Mr. Mouche-”
“It’s Scaramouche!”
“Mr. Scaramouche, are you… did you call me in for dating advice?”
Scaramouche goes fully red now, slamming his hands on his desk, making Sucrose jump.
“Not one fucking word to anyone, or I will END you.”
The ceiling fan continues to squeak, and Sucrose can’t contain her laughter. Scaramouche looks shocked , which only serves to make her laugh harder.
“I… I’m sorry! It’s just…!” A few more giggles escape her, and then she’s smiling down at the man. “I understand.” She blushes. “It’s Mr. Childe, isn’t it?”
Scaramouche sputters, making Sucrose giggle again. “I don’t think you have anything to worry about.” Scaramouche, looks away, clearly uncomfortable, and Sucrose softens. “I mean it. You two get along well, and you seem to understand each other.”
Scaramouche continues staring at nothing for a few moments, and then clears his throat. “Very well, Sucrose. You’re dismissed.”
Instead of getting up to leave, Sucrose takes out a small notepad and starts writing. “Here,” Sucrose rips off a page and hands it over. “Text me if you ever need someone to talk to.”
*
“Childe?” Aether nudges the man with his foot. “Everything okay?”
“Scaramouche calls me that sometimes…” Childe sighs into the carpet, where he’s lying on the floor face down. “Just yesterday he called me Childe…”
“Um,” Aether eyes the door. “I think I should go.”
Childe flips onto his back. Aether winces at the black eye. Xiao really didn’t hold back. “Aether, do you think two men who have done so much wrong deserve love?”
“Sorry?”
Childe stares at the window wistfully. “In my line of work… I’ve ruined people’s lives. Does someone like me have a chance to be with someone who makes me happy?”
“Childe, this is a tech support company.”
“Perhaps… some people are beyond saving. My legacy… is foul.”
“I’m going to go now…” Aether gives one last glance to the 11th highest ranked manager, before he gives him some time alone.