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Karkat's fingertips stroked over the matted fur of his stuffed bear, Toosle. He'd teased Dave for getting him such a cheesy, cliché gift at the time, but he'd definitely cried about it once he was alone. It was the exact shade of gray he'd used to type with back when he had to keep his blood color a secret. That seemed so distant now. How had that been such a huge part of his life? How could something that was so trivial now have possibly mattered so much before? And how had Dave remembered that color all these years later?
Apparently he had jumped on it the second he saw it.
"Karkat, dude, look what I found!" He was out of breath when he finally found Karkat, his bright, shameless smile shocking the troll into silence. He looked down. The stuffed bear in Dave's thin arms seemed to be reaching for him, its uneven eyes shining.
Karkat had stumbled over his words like an idiot as he took it. "You... It's..." He caught himself after a second. "You make fun of all my romance novels and bitch whenever I turn on a romcom, and yet you fail to recognize how painfully mushy it is to get me a fucking plushie?" Dave shrugged at that, still smiling. Snark was Karkat's love language; he'd figured that out.
"It's your old color." Karkat remembered trying to think of another sarcastic response, something something "I remember, dumbass," but after looking at the bear's goofy smile again, he decided against it.
That was one of the moments he replayed in his head whenever he wanted to feel that fluttering, melt-y warmth in his chest. Dave really loved him, more than anyone had ever loved Karkat, more than he thought he was worth loving a lot of the time, and memories like that were a good reminder.
He needed those reminders when he felt like this.
He knew Dave wasn't exactly the most expressive guy. He was better at showing his love in subtle ways, and most of the time, that was fine by Karkat.
But right now it just wasn't enough. Right now, he felt worthless and ugly and annoying, and those feelings were crushing him. He needed to be told that he wasn't those things. Needed to be told that he was special and appreciated and worth listening to and adored. Needed to know he meant as much to Dave as Dave meant to him.
Days spent ignoring these feelings only made it easier to agitate them. Did he mean to cut me off from speaking just now? He didn't ask what I thought of the movie like he usually does. Karkat had started feeling like maybe Dave didn't love him, despite everything. He wanted to tell himself that that was ridiculous, but really, he couldn't say he just knew that.
He was positive the only thing that could possibly change his mind would be Dave showing him that affection he ached for so badly. Karkat had always hated asking for affection. It made him feel needy and vulnerable and weak. He just couldn't do it. But Dave couldn't know what to do if Karkat didn't tell him what he needed, so how could he complain?
He'd suffer in silence.