Work Text:
The Shark baits
13 March 21
- Guys? I have an important question.
Jaybird: If this is about cereal, I’m leaving this group.
- It’s not about cereal :(
- What have you labeled Bruce on your phone?
Jaybird: ????????
- U see I just realized that I have: Jaybird, Timbo, Dames, and Alfie. But Bruce is just Bruce. That needs to change.
Jaybird: I’m out.
- No, I need answers!
Timbo: I have him as just Bruce, too.
Dames: Father.
Dames: Richard, I demand that you change my name on your phone!
- Sorry, Dames, no can do.
- Jay, you’re my only hope.
Jaybird: Just Bruce.
- I do not believe you.
Jaybird: See?
BRUCE
- You just changed that!
Jaybird: Did not.
Timbo: It’s Bratman. Or was. Damian is Babybrat, I’m Timbelina, and you’re Dickface. You were Dickiebird until a few minutes ago.
Jaybird: GET OUT OF MY PHONE!
Timbo: Don’t worry, I’m not reading anything private.
Jaybird: OUT!
Timbo: Fine.
Timbo: I changed your name to Dramaqueen
Jaybird: YOU HACKED INTO MY PHONE!
Timbo: You break into my room on a consistent basis.
Jaybird: Whatever.
Dames: Jason, I will have you know that I do not appreciate being called baby-anything.
Jaybird: That’s what you get for being a brat and born last.
Dames: I cannot change the timing of my birth.
Jaybird: Which means I cannot change your name :P Since you’re the baby and always will be.
- None of this helps me.
Jaybird: What are you talking about? Bratman! I’m a fucking genius!
- I have to get back to work. Thanks anyway.
Jaybird: A GENIUS!
Bruce
17 March 21
Bruce: Are you coming for dinner on Friday? Alfred asked me to inform you that he is making moussaka 
- … … … …
Bruce: ?
- I’ll be right with you. I just have to stop laughing xD xD
Bruce: Laughing?
- Phew, okay. Yeah, I’m still coming.
- You don’t know what the eggplant means, do you? xD xD
Bruce: It’s a vegetable.
Bruce: You are always telling me to use more of these emoticons.
- You are such a dad sometimes xD Seriously, for a CEO of one of the technological giants of the planet, you really are hopeless :P Oh man.
Bruce: I looked it up.
Bruce: You are going to show that to everyone, aren’t you?
- Everyone and their mother xD Wally can barely breathe xD
- Can he come, too?
Bruce: I think we might have room for one more.
- I do love your dry attempts at humor <3
- We’ll be there by six :)
Bruce: I can’t convince you not to show my mistake to anyone?
- Absolutely not. I’m your son, humiliating you is my job.
- See you Friday!
The Shark baits
17 March 21
- Look!
Jaybird: Someone really needs to educate dear old Bruce about how to use emojis.
Jaybird: Roy fell off his chair.
Dames: Jon also finds this highly amusing. I do not know why.
- I’m sure he’ll tell you :)
Dames: Oh. Ugh. Vulgar.
Dames: Also, I think in the context of the text, it’s not as amusing as you are making it out to be.
Jaybird: An eggplant emoji from daddy dearest is always amusing, despite the context.
Timbo: I agree with Jason.
Jaybird: See, gremlin?
Jaybird: OH!
Jaybird: Ha-HA!
- Huh. That’s actually pretty clever :D
Dames: You shouldn’t let him make fun of your name like that, Richard.
- My name is funny, Dames. I know he doesn’t mean anything by it so it’s fine.
Timbo: His nicknames for us are just his weird way of showing affection.
Jaybird: What the fuck gave you that idea?
Timbo: You wouldn’t bother to think of nicknames if you didn’t care.
- AWWWWWW!!!!!
Jaybird: I’ll have you all know that TIMOTHY is wrong!
- No. You love us. It’s official.
Jaybird: Go to hell, Eggplant-face.
- I love you, too.
Dames
22 March 21
Dames: Do you have a moment?
- Of course :) What’s up?
Dames: I have a predicament.
- ?
Dames: I got into a fight in school.
- :o :o :o Are you okay??
Dames: I’m fine.
Dames: I have been grounded for three weeks.
- Not much I can do about that, Dami :( Unless you think it’s unfair?
Dames: No, I will accept whatever punishment Father sees fit.
- So what’s your predicament?
Dames: Father wants to know why.
- Of course he does. Why haven’t you told him?
Dames: I think the reason might hurt him.
- Why?
Dames: The boy I fought said some immature and hurtful things about Father. I got angry.
- Oh, Dames…
- You should tell him. He might not completely un-ground you but he might take a week off your sentence?
- I got into a few fights, too, back in the day. He always listened to me. Jason, too.
- D? Did I lose you?
Dames: I’m here.
- Want to tell me what they said?
Dames: Just some stupid things based on the recent tabloid articles.
- Ah. They were making fun of Brucie Wayne.
Dames: I don’t understand why Father lets the press publish such garbage about him!
- It’s not really garbage about him, it’s garbage about Brucie.
Dames: I do not understand.
- Brucie Wayne is an alter ego of sorts. There was a time, before me, when he may have acted a bit more irresponsibly, and even though he’s obviously not like that anymore, he lets the paparazzi catch Brucie in the act every now and then.
Dames: But why?
- To keep them from chasing us. As long as the tabloids have enough to write about the original prince of Gotham, they are not too interested in the heirs.
Dames: I never realized.
- That’s okay :) Took me a long time to understand it, too.
- In any case, Bruce won’t care about what some snot-nosed pre-teen thinks of Brucie Wayne. He will give you a talk about how you don’t need to defend him, but like I said, he might take a week off your sentence when he knows you were provoked.
Dames: I should not have let it affect me like that.
- You can’t always help it and that’s okay.
- Okay, no, I don’t mean violence is okay but you are allowed to react.
Dames: I’ll go talk to Father.
- You do that. Let me know how it went.
Brucie
22 March 21
- Dames told me what happened.
- I told him to talk to you. Cut him some slack?
Brucie: I’ll think about it.
Dames
22 March 21
Dames: My house arrest has been reduced to one week.
- Aww, Bruce is getting soft.
Brucie
22 March 21
- Thank you.
Brucie: Only fair.
- Yeah, no. I can’t. Back to Bruce.
Bruce: What?
- Nothing.
The Fam
25 March 21
- Bruceter?
Bruce: Yes?
- OH! Sorry :D Wrong chat.
Bruce: Then why did you ask for me?
- I was just brainstorming.
Bruce: Okay?
Jaybird: IT’S 3AM?!?!?!?!!?!?!?
- I’m on a break :)
Timbo: Bruceter is a bit lazy. Though if your goal is to just call him something other than Bruce, then I guess it’s an improvement.
- Hmm…
Jaybird: It’s 3. A. M.
- Did I wake you?
Jaybird: Uh, yeah? Not all of us work your crazy bat hours!
- Bat hours? xD
Jaybird: Bats are up in the middle of the night.
- Yeah, no, I got that xD It’s still funny.
- Why are you awake, Bruceter?
- You’re right, Tim, it is lazy. Damn.
Bruce: Had a meeting with partners in a different time zone.
- Oh. Boring.
Bruce: What did you expect, then?
- A date? ;)
Jaybird: Ha, lol.
Jaybird: And give up, Dickielee, you’re never gonna come up with anything better than the Bratman!
- I WILL!! IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO, I WILL!
Bruce: I am confused.
Timbo: Don’t worry about it.
Timbo: Is no one going to ask why I’m awake?
Jaybird: Timber, we’d think you were dead if you had not replied.
- True but do go to bed, Timmy :)
Bruce: I will check on you in 10 minutes.
Timbo: Fine. Good night!
- Sweet dreams, everyone! I shall keep a vigil on dear old Gotham while you slumber zzzZZzZZZZzZZ
The Fam
27 March 21
Timbo: I have come to the conclusion that an elephant would not make an ideal pet as the number of feces would be too much for even Alfred to clean.
Jaybird: What?
Timbo: I was referring to my conversation with Damian earlier.
Dames: It was a PRIVATE conversation!!!
Jaybird: I was 110% sure you were sleep-texting.
- He actually makes more sense when he’s sleep texting xD
- Dames, why do you want a pet elephant?
Dames: No comment.
Dames: Timothy, stop typing.
- Tim, tell us! :D
Timbo: He was wondering how much it would cost to move Zitka to live in the Gotham Zoo. He then decided that their facilities are ‘not satisfactory for an animal that size’ and thought that she could maybe live on the Manor grounds.
- :o :o :o Dames? Is this true?
Dames: No. Comment.
- Zitka is happy where she is :)
Dames: You said you miss her.
Jaybird: Emotions. I’m outta here.
- You wear your heart on your sleeve, Jay, and we all know this :)
- It’s only a two-hour drive, Dames <3 She has a herd now :) You’d have to bring them all here and weeelll, I think Bruce’s patience does not stretch that far.
Bruce: You have enough pets, Damian.
Dames: She’d be Dick’s pet.
Bruce: No elephants. I’m serious this time.
- You’re serious every time and yet you have a cow living in your backyard xD
Timbo: Speaking of pets, come get your cat, Damian. He’s sleeping on my laptop.
Dames: His slumber is not to be disturbed.
Timbo: He’s disturbing my homework.
Bruceton: Go get the cat, Damian.
Dames: I’m busy.
Jaybird: No, you’re not. I just saw you.
- JAY! You’re still here :D
Jaybird: I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to let everyone know that the brat is lying.
Bruceton: Don’t call your brother a brat.
Jaybird: Whatever, Bratman. The gremlin is just hanging by the pool, he is definitely not busy.
Timbo: He’s awake now and he’s pissed.
Dames: I told you not to disturb him. And I AM busy.
Jaybird: So if I come outside right now, I will not find your sunbathing?
Dames: No.
Jaybird: Fine, then.
Jaybird: The elephant was a distraction, wasn’t it?
Jaybird: 
Timbo: He did ask about the Gotham Zoo. That part was true.
- Oooohh, a real Angry Bird! What are you calling it, Dami?
Dames: SHE is Azula.
- Yeah, okay, I can see that :D
Bruceton: Damian…
Dames: Just until she’s healed. She’s a wild bird, I’ll let her go once she can fly.
Jaybird: Don’t bother, Bruce, we know you’ll eventually just say yes. You should just be happy that Timberlake and Damagotchi actually worked together for once. Even if it was to conspire against you.
- HEY, you’re right! Boys, I’m so proud of you!
Bruceton: Just until she’s healed?
Dames: Yes.
Bruceton: Fine. But you will not make Alfred clean up after her.
Dames: Thank you.
Timbo: Now seriously, come get your damn cat!
The Shark baits
29 March 21
- BRAD!
Dames: Who is Brad?
- No I mean what about Brad? As in Bruce/Dad? Brad :D
Jaybird: You’d just confuse yourself. You’ll forget you named him that, he’ll call you, you’ll think he’s a one-night stand from times before Wally and pick up the phone with: ‘sorry dude this dick taken’.
- That is weirdly specific :o
Timbo: Let guess. Something like that happened to you.
Jaybird: It’s not a story for children.
Dames: You regularly use profanities in my presence.
- I HAVE TO HEAR THIS OR I WON’T BE ABLE TO SLEEP! :D :D :D
Jaybird: I once made the mistake of labeling him ‘fuckface’
Jaybird: We weren’t exactly on speaking terms at the time so it was a while before he called/texted me. I forgot all about it.
Jaybird: I have a habit of labeling people I have short romances with a similar fashion.
- Oh my God :D :D
Jaybird: I take satisfaction from knowing I scarred him for life when I said: Remind me again if you’re a t or a b?
- I can’t breathe xD xD xD xD
Dames: What’s t or b?
Jaybird: Ask me again in two years.
Dames: x(
- Fine, I won’t name him Brad. I’m back to square one, then :(
Timbo: You’re giving yourself a needless headache with this, you know.
- A headache, yes. Needless, no.
Jaybird: Bratman, man.
Jason
1 April 21
- Dude, Roy has been texting me non-stop for like an hour.
- Where are you?
- Jay?
- Jason!
- Pick up.
- Jason, I am THIS close to alerting the family.
- Tim can hack your phone in less than two minutes.
- Jay, I’m serious, pick up the damn phone. I’m getting worried!
- 5 minutes and I’m calling Bruce.
- 1 minute.
- Alright, if we find you somewhere you totally shouldn’t be, just blame yourself.
Jaybird: OKAY, ALRIGHT! I’m here! Geez! No need to alert the old man.
- Where. The hell. Have you been???? You were supposed to meet Roy three hours ago????
Jaybird: I can explain, okay? I’ll call him first, though.
- Fine. I’ll be waiting.
Jaybird: Ready to hear my totally acceptable explanation now?
- Tell me.
Jaybird: You remember those sex workers we helped a few months ago?
- Yeah?
Jaybird: One of them called me. Their old ‘boss’ found them. I had to help them relocate.
- Why didn’t you call anyone? We could have helped!
Jaybird: It all happened really fast. I didn’t want to waste time waiting for you guys, especially since B is out of town. They’re in the penthouse, for now, I’ll find them something more permanent soon.
- Bruce would probably buy them their own penthouse if you asked.
- Do they need anything? I’m at the Manor, I could ask Alf to cook them a few days' worth of food if they don’t want to go outside.
Jaybird: I got them groceries, they are good for now.
- For someone who runs from emotional situations, you have the biggest heart, you know? <3
Jaybird: Shut up, Zucchini.
- What happened to Eggplant? xD
Jaybird: Got boring.
- Right.
- See you on Friday?
Jaybird: Sure.
- You’re a good person, Jaybird.
Jaybird: Go snog Wally and leave me alone.
The Fam
4 April 21
Timbo: Who left a woman in my penthouse bedroom?
Timbo: Okay, since none of you will admit it. Dick! I’m shocked, what will Wally say?? Jason, you have your own place, damn it, why bring her here?? Damian… Well no, I don’t really think it was you but if it was, I’m assuming it was a joke and ha ha, very funny. Bruce. If it was you then just what?
Brudgerton: What do you mean there’s a woman in your penthouse bedroom?
Timbo: How many things could that possibly mean??? There’s a woman sleeping in my bed at the penthouse!
Timbo: Okay, there are women in all 5 bedrooms.
Timbo: What is happening?
- Jay!!! xD xD
Dames: What has that overgrown toad done now?
Jaybird: Ahhhhhh, shit. Right. Sorry, been busy…
Timbo: Evidently.
Jaybird: NOT LIKE THAT!!! I’ve been looking for a place for them to stay permanently. I swear I meant to inform you guys, I just totally forgot.
Timbo: Who are they?
Jaybird: Jasmine, Katie, Greta, Nina, and Olga.
Timbo: Not what I meant but thanks.
Brudgerton: I thought we already helped them settle.
Dames: Excuse me but who are these people?
Jaybird: We did but there were complications.
Jaybird: They are women who need our help, Damian.
Dames: Fine.
Dames: What sort of assistance do they require? I guess I could donate my allowance.
- :’)
Jaybird: What’s up with Damagecontrol? Has he done something? Are you trying to collect good karma?
Dames: I redact my offer.
Brudgerton: That was very noble of you Damian, but I can handle the financial part.
Brudgerton: What do they need, Jason?
Timbo: Other than a place to stay that is NOT my bed?
Jaybird: A couple of them need jobs.
Brudgerton: Alright. We can make that happen.
Jaybird: Katie has a daughter. She lives with her grandparents so she’s fine but she worries about her education. They don’t have a lot of money.
Brudgerton: I’ll see what I can do. Do you think I could come by the penthouse? This would be a lot easier if I could talk to them.
Jaybird: I don’t know. I’ll ask. Let you know.
Brudgerton: Good.
Timbo: Excuse me? Where am I supposed to sleep?
- I just got off work. Wally’s in Central so I could use an Alfred breakfast tomorrow. I’ll come to pick you up and we can both go to the Manor :)
Dames: What business did you have in Gotham this late anyway, Timothy?
Timbo: I’ve been working on a project for WE.
Brudgerton: That’s where you’ve been all day? I thought you met up with Conner.
Timbo: I did. Went back when Clark picked him up.
- I’ll bring him home, Brudgerton :) :)
Brudgerton: Thank you.
Jaybird: Does Wally know about your obsession with Daphne Bridgerton?
- What obsession?? :o
Jaybird: What is it with you and redheads??
- Whatever do you mean?
Dames: You know what he means because even I know what he means.
- Pfft.
Timbo: Stop texting and come get me. One of them woke up and is making me tea. TEA!
Timbo: Dick, seriously, she’s attempting small talk.
Jaybird: So? Talk. She’s a woman, not a warrior goddess from a distant island full of warrior women.
Timbo: A what?
Timbo: Dick where are you???
- 2 minutes
Timbo: I’ll meet you downstairs.
Dames: I’d expect you to be pathetic enough to be afraid of simple social interaction.
- Leave him alone, Dami. We’re on our way, B :)
Brudgerton: See you soon, then.
Timbo: There are 27 five-bedroom houses or apartments available in Gotham right now. I sent the links to your email, Bruce.
Timbo: Assuming they want to live together.
Jaybird: Thanks for the help, Timbster.
Timbo: A warrior goddess?
Jaybird: We all have our fantasies.
Dames: Save those for your private conversations.
Jaybird: Have I ever told you about the cat outfit I once found in Bruce’s bedroom?
Brudgerton: Jay, he’s 11.
Jaybird: He’ll be old enough one day ;)
Dames: YOU ARE A DISGRACE, JASON!!
Timbo
7 April 21
- Tim, I thought we talked about this. Bed by midnight.
- Tim. I know you’re online.
Timbo: I can’t sleep.
- You’re still not supposed to be on your phone.
Timbo: Why do you care so much?
- Because I’m your brother?
Timbo: My other two brothers don’t care this much.
- They do.
- And that’s not the point.
Timbo: Whatever.
- Are you okay?
Timbo: Sure.
- Come on. Talk to me?
Timbo: Nothing to say.
- Fine. I won’t push you. Just know that I’m here if you do want to talk.
Timbo: Yeah.
- Will you go to bed?
Timbo: Yeah.
- Okay. Goodnight.
Timbo: Night.
Timbo
8 April 21
Timbo: I have nightmares.
- That sucks :(
Timbo: I’ve dreamt about being left alone before. A lot. But it’s always my parents that leave.
Timbo: Now it’s Bruce. And all of you.
Timbo: I don’t know why. It’s so stupid.
- It’s not stupid, Tim. Have you talked to Bruce?
Timbo: No.
Timbo: I’m talking to you.
Timbo: That okay?
- Of course. I can call you if you want?
Timbo: It’s late. I don’t want to wake anyone.
- Okay.
- When did they start? The nightmares?
Timbo: I don’t know. A little after I started the WE project.
Timbo: I guess I might be a little afraid I’ll disappoint Bruce. It was my idea, and he invested in it.
What if it fails?
- Tim, you’re literally the smartest person I know. It won’t fail.
Timbo: I’m not and it might.
- Okay, so there might be like a 0,0001% chance that it does. Then you’ll learn from it and try again. If Bruce is disappointed, he’ll be disappointed FOR you, not IN you.
Timbo: You sure?
- Absolutely!
Timbo: If you say so.
- I do say so.
- Hey. Wanna hang out tomorrow for real? Just the two of us? :)
Timbo: I guess.
- Meet you at the diner at 6?
Timbo: Damian will want to tag along.
- We don’t have to tell him. If he finds out I’ll just tell him that not this time.
Timbo: 6?
- 6 :) I’ll call Amy and see if she can reserve our favorite table for us.
Timbo: How are you on a first name basis with the staff?
- It’s my natural charm :)
- Do you think you can sleep?
Timbo: Yeah, I think so. See you tomorrow.
- Sweet dreams :)
Timbo
9 April 21
Timbo: Thanks for today.
- Anytime.
- I mean it.
Timbo: I know.
- You can call me if you have more nightmares.
Timbo: I know that, too.
Timbo: Thank you.
- Anything for you, kid.
The Shark baits
10 April 21
- I GOT IT!
- Brufasa!
- Guys?
- Hellooooo???
The Fam
11 April 21
- Everyone, just quickly confirm that you’re all okay.
Jaybird: I’m okay.
Timbo: Damian and I are home with Alfred.
Bruce: I’m at the office.
- Okay. Thank you. <3
Brufasa
12 April 21
Brufasa: Are you busy?
- Which one?
Brufasa: Which one what?
- Which boy? Is causing you trouble?
Brufasa: None of them, actually.
- Huh. Then what’s up?
Brufasa: Just wanted to ask how you’re doing. Feels like we haven’t talked in a while.
- We saw each other two days ago?
Brufasa: Yes but I meant the two of us. Things have been pretty wrapped around your brothers and their...shenanigans lately.
- Shenanigans? :D
- It’s cool, though. They have shenanigans. My life’s pretty boring at the moment. Nothing too exciting going on :) Thanks for asking.
Brufasa: Nothing on your mind?
- No, not really. Why?
Brufasa: Your job can take its toll.
- Any job can take its toll.
- Has something happened?
Brufasa: Why do you ask?
- Just a hunch.
Brufasa: You were working yesterday, right? During the shooting downtown?
- Yeah. It’s Gotham, though. Unfortunately, yesterday was not even the worst day I’ve ever had at work.
- Really, Bruce. I’m fine. Thanks to you, we have professionals to help us if we need it :)
- Nice of you to check, though.
Brufasa: Of course.
Brufasa: And you’re doing okay? In general.
- Can’t complain :) Wally wants to get a pet goldfish. I don’t think we can fit a tank in our place. We might move.
Brufasa: You might move because he wants room for a fish tank?
- We could do with another bedroom. Our ‘office’ is more often than not used as a guest room :D
- And yes, I’ll let you know if we need help finding a place.
Brufasa: You do that.
- I do sometimes wonder if you’ve realized I’m a grown-up :D
Brufasa: I’m working on it.
- Not that I mind that you check on me.
- I just worry that you worry too much.
Brufasa: Good fathers can never worry too much.
- Alfred?
Brufasa: Yes.
- Well, I guess I can’t argue with Alfred.
Brufasa: I would advise against it.
- Our dinner arrived.
Brufasa: Okay. I’ll see you on…?
- Saturday.
Brufasa: Great. Bon appetit, then.
- Thanks xD
- Talk to you later, Dad :)
The Shark baits
12 April 21
- I’ll have you know I finally settled on what to label Bruce :D
Jaybird: OH THANK GOD FINALLY!
Timbo: So what is it?
- DAD
Dames: I find that acceptable.
Jaybird: Only took you 16 years.
- :) Better late than never, right?
Timbo: He’ll be pleased.
Jaybird: Damn. Fine.
Jaybird: POPS(ICLE)
Timbo: BRUCE/DAD
Dames: I find you all disgustingly sentimental.
Timbo: Yeah? Then why are we called Big Brother, Strong Brother, and Smart Brother on your phone?
- Wait, whaaaaaat????
Jaybird: Timber, you really need to stop hacking into people’s phones.
Jaybird: But I do thank you for this information.
Dames: Drake, I will maim you in your sleep.
Jaybird: I love how he didn’t even use caps. Just stated facts.
- I love you guys :D