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The first few times Jaehyun met Yuta, it was only peripherally. In June, Yuta stopped by a picnic they were having at the river. Johnny introduced Yuta to the group as “the fitness maniac who knows Taeyong from college.” Taeyong had moved to Australia earlier this year, and Jaehyun didn’t manage to catch Yuta’s name or how Johnny had met him.
At the time, it didn’t matter much—people were always passing by river picnics in June, bringing soju or Bluetooth speakers, playing a round of whatever inane game they were in the middle of, before leaving for another river picnic. That was the way of river picnics in June. Jaehyun, on the other end of the picnic blanket, asked Mark what the guy’s name was. Mark said, “I didn’t hear either,” and reached around Jaehyun for a slice of pizza. By the time Jaehyun got bored enough to look down to the other end of the blanket again, Yuta was gone.
Yuta was at one of Johnny and Taeil’s parties that month, too. He was funny—Jaehyun remembered that from the party, although he didn’t talk to Yuta directly, only overheard a few one-liners that got some big laughs from the room. Granted, Jaehyun didn’t remember much of the party. A few weekends later, at dinner with Doyoung and Taeil, Johnny said some other people might come, and mentioned a couple names that Jaehyun didn’t recognize.
“Hey,” Johnny said and waved over Jaehyun’s head. Jaehyun turned around. It was that guy, the guy who knew Taeyong, smiling at them and dodging tables. He was wearing a pretty jean jacket, with a bunch of little patches and decals. Jaehyun smiled as the guy sat down next to him.
“Hey,” Johnny, Doyoung and Taeil were all saying. They all seemed to know him. He looked around the circle and answered each of their “hey”s—“Hey Doie. What’s up, Taeil.” He looked at Jaehyun beside him finally and said, “Hi, Jaehyun.”
Jaehyun froze. Oh, no. The guy remembered Jaehyun’s name, but Jaehyun didn’t remember his name. Noooo. “Hey, what’s up?”
The mystery boy said, “Not much. How are you guys?”
“Why are you so late?” said Doyoung.
“Why are you so early?” said the mystery boy, who wasn’t really a mystery boy and Jaehyun really should know his name by now, shit.
“We’ve been here for twenty minutes,” said Doyoung. “We already ordered the meat.”
The mystery boy flashed a fake smile that was only a few degrees dimmer than his usual one. “That’s so nice of you guys to get here twenty minutes early so you could order the meat just in time for it to arrive right after I got here.”
Taeil and Jaehyun laughed. Johnny said, “What about Kun, did you ditch him at the cafe?”
“He went home,” said the mystery boy. “He hates getting barbecue.”
“Hates getting barbecue?” said Doyoung.
“Is he a vegetarian?” said Johnny.
“No, he’s just an introvert gremlin,” said the mystery boy. “He doesn’t like the atmosphere of barbecue places.”
“What’s wrong with being an introvert?” said Taeil.
“Nothing’s wrong with being an introvert specifically,” said Yuta. “It’s a Venn diagram. Some people are introverts, some people are gremlins. Some are both. Kun is an introvert gremlin.”
“That means he’s one of us,” said Doyoung.
“Us? Speak for yourself, I’m not even in that Venn diagram,” said Johnny, who was pouring everyone soju.
Doyoung shoved Johnny with his shoulder. Johnny yelped and spilled soju. “I was speaking for myself,” said Doyoung. “You couldn’t be in the introvert club even if you wanted to.”
“And I don’t think you can say you’re not on the Venn diagram at all,” Jaehyun jumped in, “because you’re definitely a gremlin.”
The mystery boy laughed, and the laugh was like a shiny coin, a token showing some accomplishment on Jaehyun’s part. Jaehyun was starting to get afraid that no one was going to say the man’s name and let him pretend he knew it all along.
“How are you going to call me a gremlin when you’re, like, the gremlin prince,” said Johnny, pointing at the napkin box next to Jaehyun and beckoning. Jaehyun was trying to keep track of too many thoughts at once to comprehend what Johnny wanted. Johnny snapped his fingers as if that would make Jaehyun understand.
“Jaehyun’s the gremlin prince?” said the mystery boy, reaching across Jaehyun to yank napkins out of the box and toss them at the soju puddle on the table. “No way.”
“Are you kidding?” said Doyoung. The mystery boy’s movement across Jaehyun had left a trace of his cologne in the air. It was nice. Jaehyun inhaled again before the scent could dissipate amid the smells of food and charcoal.
“He’s a little mud monster.” Doyoung was still talking. “He’s the kid in the last row who snaps rubber bands at the teacher’s back and blames it on his friend.”
The mystery boy looked Jaehyun up and down, the corner of his mouth curving, his fingers curled around the edge of the bench near Jaehyun’s knee. “I wouldn’t have thought. He seems pretty chill.”
Jaehyun felt his cheeks bunch up in a smile. He tried to say something like, “You seem chill too,” but Johnny and Taeil were both talking over him.
“You need to get to know Jaehyun a bit better,” Johnny said.
Taeil said, “He gets spoiled because he’s the youngest.”
“Yeah,” said Jaehyun, nodding at Johnny, then looking at Taeil and said, “No I’m—”
“You’re the youngest?” said the mystery boy. “How old are you?”
“24,” said Jaehyun.
“Oh my god, you are young!” said the mystery boy, and pouted his bottom lip.
“I’m not that much younger than you guys,” said Jaehyun. “And Hyuck and Mark are younger than me.”
“Don’t lie,” said Doyoung, “you love the times when you get to be the youngest.”
Jaehyun ignored Doyoung, turning to the mystery boy and continuing straight on from his previous breath, “Right? How are old are you?”
“26,” said the mystery boy. He had raised a cup of water to his lips, but he paused to answer. “Weren’t you there when we were talking about that at the party the other week?”
“Talking about…?” Jaehyun looked at Johnny quickly.
“They’re same-age besties,” said Doyoung. “Him, Johnny, and Taeyong.”
Jaehyun wanted to reach across the table and throttle Doyoung for not just using the man’s name. “Ohhh.”
“He doesn’t remember,” said Johnny. “He was off his ass.”
“I was not off my ass!” Now Jaehyun wanted to throttle both of them.
“If you were,” said the mystery boy, putting down the cup of water, “you hid it well, I didn’t notice.”
“Oh,” said Jaehyun. “Thanks.”
“Speaking of being inebriated,” said Taeil, “are we drinking this soju or not?”
The rest of the evening passed without anyone saying the mystery boy’s name, to Jaehyun’s increasing, and increasingly tipsy, exasperation. He thought of texting Johnny to ask his name, but figured it would be safer not to. He hoped it wasn’t obvious that he hadn’t remembered the mystery boy, at least not, apparently, the same way the mystery boy had remembered him. He didn’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings. In fact, Jaehyun wanted the guy to like him. He thought the mystery boy was really cool. He was funny, which aligned with the indefinite impression of him that Jaehyun had retained from the party, and he didn’t seem to have any anxiety about being the center of conversation at a table where most of the people were friendly acquaintances at best. Maybe that was what separated the mystery boy and Johnny from Jaehyun and Kun and Doyoung and the other introverts. Or maybe it was something else. Jaehyun didn’t know much about that kind of stuff.
“So,” said Jaehyun while the last of the meat scorched on the grill, “what do you do?”
He made the mistake of glancing up at Doyoung as he finished the sentence, which apparently made Doyoung think Jaehyun was talking to him. “What does that mean? You know what I do. I’m in pharm school.”
“No,” said Jaehyun, scowling, “I was talking to”—he hesitated for the briefest fraction of a second, and he hoped no one would notice—“him,” and he dipped his head a degree towards the mystery boy next to him.
The mystery boy smiled, and Johnny said, “You know that too. He’s a yoga instructor and a hiking guide, I told you when he came to the river.”
“No you didn’t,” said Jaehyun.
“Yeah,” said Doyoung, “he did.”
“You probably didn’t hear,” said the mystery boy.
“Oh,” said Jaehyun, half a detail coming back to him, “he said you were fitness crazy.”
“I am,” said the mystery boy, squaring his arms above his head. “Just look at these guns.”
The guy was joking; he still had his jacket on, and he was slim. Jaehyun giggled. Johnny said, “I didn’t say he was crazy, I just said he was into fitness.”
“Yeah huh,” said Jaehyun.
“Guys, guys,” said the mystery boy. “Please. I am into fitness. And I’m also crazy. The two things aren’t mutually exclusive or mutually inclusive.”
“Venn diagram!” said Jaehyun.
“Yeah,” said the mystery boy. He put his hands flat on the table. “Everything’s a Venn diagram. Working out and unhinged auras, Venn diagram. Introvert, gremlin, Venn diagram.”
Jaehyun laughed and tried to think of something to add. Johnny said, “Same age, besties. Venn diagram.”
“Youngest in the group, gremlin prince,” said Taeil, “Venn diagram.”
“Being drunk, not seeming drunk,” said Doyoung, “Venn diagram.”
“Okay, okay,” said the mystery boy, “no more Venn diagrams where Jaehyun is the only one in the middle. I wanna be in the middle too.”
“Being in the middle,” said Jaehyun, “wanting to be in the middle. Venn diagram.”
The mystery boy frowned and looked at Jaehyun. “Wait. How does that work?”
“Uhh,” said Jaehyun.
“He has no idea,” said Johnny. “He just wanted to join in.”
“No,” said Jaehyun, “nuh uh. I’m always in the middle, but I don’t want to be in the middle. But he does.”
The mystery boy pouted at him cutely and said, “You don’t want to be in the middle with me?”
Jaehyun couldn’t think of anything to say. Doyoung said, “Well if you’re in the middle, but you don’t want to be in the middle, then you’re not in the middle.”
“Yeah,” said Johnny. “You’re just on the ‘being in the middle’ side. Which isn’t the middle.”
“All of you shut the fuck up,” said Taeil, chewing on a blackened strip of meat. “This is the stupidest conversation I’ve ever heard.”
“You don’t appreciate the art of diagrams, Taeil,” said the mystery boy.
“Oh, woe is me,” said Taeil.
Johnny and Taeil took the subway east after dinner, and Doyoung was meeting someone else in the area. Jaehyun found himself boarding the westbound train with the mystery boy. They would only ride for one stop together before the man transferred. Jaehyun figured he didn’t need to spend any of those limited seconds on a “what’s this guy’s name again????” text to Johnny. He could find out tonight on Instagram or something. He was pretty sure Doyoung would post pictures and tag them all later.
“That was a fun dinner,” said Jaehyun as they sat down. “We should hang out more.”
“Yeah,” said the mystery boy. “I’m lucky you guys are all so nice and everything. It’s made moving back to Seoul a lot easier.”
At this point, Jaehyun could only assume that he should know by now that the mystery boy had just moved back to Seoul. “Oh, no, of course. Is it different? Here?”
“From Osaka? Yeah,” said the mystery boy. “I mean, there’s less culture shock than when I came here in college. But since I have a whole new job this time, it feels like I’ve completely started over.”
“Wow,” said Jaehyun. “That’s really brave.”
The mystery boy looked at him, smiling. “Thank you.”
“If you ever,” said Jaehyun, getting out his phone, “need anything, or, like, need advice or help or something, I can totally give you my number, if you ever need it.”
The mystery boy was tapping open his phone. He handed it over. “Sure, thanks.”
Jaehyun put in his number and gave the phone back. The mystery boy said, “I’ll text you,” and tapped a few more buttons. Jaehyun’s phone vibrated. Maybe the mystery boy would say his name in the text. Jaehyun took his phone out.
“it’s me~~~~” the text said.
Jaehyun swore internally. Then he said, “Great. Cool. What should I save your number as…?”
The mystery boy was grinning. “Anything you want. It’s easy to make up nicknames from my name. I’ll let you think of something creative.”
Jaehyun blinked down at his phone screen. There was a bing overhead, and the subway lady announced the approaching stop. The mystery boy stood up.
“No nicknames coming to mind?” he said. “I’m disappointed.”
“I,” said Jaehyun, “give me a few minutes, I’ll…”
“Jaehyun, if you can’t remember my name, just ask,” said the mystery boy, smiling like he was having the time of his life, one arm hanging from the bar over Jaehyun’s head.
Jaehyun opened his mouth wide and snapped it shut. “I…I…”
“Ha! I was right,” said the boy. “You don’t remember.”
Warmth spread from Jaehyun’s ears to his cheeks. “How did you know?”
“You kept avoiding saying it,” said the mystery boy.
“Oh,” said Jaehyun. The mystery boy smirked down at him.
“I think you’re having too much fun right now,” said Jaehyun.
“Maybe you’re too easy to tease,” said the boy.
“Just tell me,” said Jaehyun.
“It’s Yuta.” He gave an exaggerated bow. “Nakamoto Yuta. At your service.”
Jaehyun bowed too. “Okay. I’m Jung Jaehyun. Um, in case you didn’t know my surname.”
“I think I heard it at the party,” said Yuta, waving as he went towards the opening doors.
“Oh. Okay. Bye Yuta,” said Jaehyun, waving back.
“Bye, Jung Jaehyun,” said Yuta, and he stepped off the train. Jaehyun watched the doors close, letting the way Yuta had said his name echo. He felt too warm. Where was the air conditioning in this car? The train began to move, and Jaehyun looked out the windows at the people walking to the exit. The train picked up speed. Then Jaehyun saw Yuta, and Yuta saw him too, and smiled. Jaehyun raised his hand to wave again, but the train was already swallowed in the darkness of the tunnel.
Jaehyun wondered when they’d hang out again. He hoped Yuta really would text him if he ever needed anything. It would be nice to have a chance to help him.
When Doyoung invited everyone over for movie night, it had been just shy of two weeks since the barbecue dinner. Jaehyun hadn’t thought much about Yuta in those two weeks, but when he saw him, it suddenly seemed like it had been a long time. Yuta was late, just like last time, but this time he had an excuse, which was that he’d come straight from work. He was still in his yoga shorts and tank top, and he brought two bottles of wine, one white and one red. Jaehyun had gone with Doyoung to the door to let Yuta into the apartment. Jaehyun took the bottle of red wine from Yuta, or rather caught it between his palms as Yuta swung it while he gesticulated. Yuta turned away from Doyoung with a broad smile, relinquishing the bottle. “Thanks. Hey, Jung Jaehyun.”
“Hey, Nakamoto Yuta,” said Jaehyun.
Yuta nodded approvingly. “You remembered.”
“Why wouldn’t he?” said Doyoung, taking the white wine.
Yuta shrugged and followed Doyoung into the apartment. Jaehyun turned the bottle over in his hands. The glass was dark and shiny along the curves. He didn’t usually drink wine, but this stuff looked pretty good.
They all sat around for a while eating pizza and drinking, like usual. Then they put on the second Lord of the Rings movie, because Doyoung thought the first one was boring, although Jaehyun kind of liked the first one best. Yuta had never seen the Lord of the Rings, so Mark explained the plot of the first movie in detail while the second movie started. Yuta nodded along with everything Mark said, ankles crossed and elbows around his knees. A few minutes into the movie, Jaehyun realized that Yuta was the only one sitting on the floor. Everyone else was on the sofa or in a chair.
Jaehyun thought about asking if Yuta wanted to switch places with him, but Mark had finally finished his spiel and Jaehyun didn’t want to talk over the movie. He got up and went to the kitchen, pouring himself a second glass of red wine. Then he came back and sat on the floor next to Yuta. Yuta tilted a little smile in Jaehyun’s direction before returning his attention to the TV.
“If you have any questions about, like, what’s happening and shit,” Jaehyun whispered, “let me know and I’ll catch you up.”
“Okay,” Yuta whispered back, “thanks.”
“Sure.”
They all went through the routine cheering at the introduction of Eowyn, the swearing at the orcs, and the applause at the reappearance of Gandalf. Yuta joined in with enthusiasm. He also joined in the ritual insulting of the nastiest orc in the movie while it chased Merry and Pippin through the forest, contributing “You look like an armadillo’s asshole,” but Donghyuck still won the night, as always, with “You look like the fossilized remains of a giant dump a T-rex took after eating his way through a triceratops herd.” Like always, they paused the movie halfway through for bathroom trips, snacks and drinks. Yuta was talking to Donghyuck about the modern-day implications of the deforestation at the hands of the villain’s army. Jaehyun offered to get them more wine. Donghyuck waved him away and Yuta handed Jaehyun his glass, thanking him.
“God damn,” said Yuta after the break, “that elf man’s sexy.”
“Legolas,” said Taeil with a degree of pride.
“Just wait till you see him fight,” said Johnny.
“Looking forward to it.” Yuta sipped the wine that Jaehyun had poured him. Jaehyun blinked at the TV a few times. His ears were hot again, and he had a weird feeling in his stomach all of a sudden. Must be the wine—his body wasn’t used to it. He rolled the stem of his glass slowly between his fingertips.
As they left, they all tossed around the idea of watching the third movie soon, but to Jaehyun’s disappointment, no plans were set. At a coffee shop with Johnny later that week, Jaehyun asked, “Is Yuta settling into Seoul okay?”
Johnny was waiting for an email. He was jogging his foot under the uneven table, and it kept wobbling. He didn’t look up from his phone. “Settling in? He’s been here for like three months or something.”
“That’s not that long,” said Jaehyun.
“I think he’s fine.” Johnny refreshed his email. “Ask him yourself.”
“Hm.”
Johnny bit into his croissant. The table wobbled. Jaehyun said, “Not that it matters, but like, is he gay?”
The table stopped wobbling. Johnny lowered his phone. “Yeah.”
Jaehyun nodded and picked up his lukewarm tea. “Cool.”
Johnny took another bite of his croissant and said through it, “He asked me the same thing about you actually.”
“He—he did?”
“Mm hm.”
“What did you tell him?”
“That I didn’t think so.” Johnny chewed.
“Why did you say that?” said Jaehyun.
“Well, you’ve never said specifically…” said Johnny.
Jaehyun folded his arms. “I’m into girls, Johnny.”
Johnny shrugged. “Yeah, I know.”
Jaehyun didn’t know why he had asked Johnny. He should have gone to Doyoung or Donghyuck; they were actually not straight. But then he wouldn’t know that Yuta asked Johnny about him. Jaehyun remembered it a few times over the next few days. He wondered why Yuta wanted to know. Maybe Yuta was just curious, the same way Jaehyun had been. Maybe Yuta wanted to be closer friends with Jaehyun, like Jaehyun did.
The next Saturday, there were a few river picnics. Summer was burning out hot and muggy. Jaehyun dropped by a picnic a few of his coworkers were having, just to be polite. He figured he only had to stay for forty-five minutes before going to find the boys.
While his coworkers and their significant others talked about some recent celebrity scandal, Jaehyun checked Instagram. Doyoung had added a picture of five or six hands cheersing various drinks on his story. Jaehyun recognized Yuta’s ring on one of the hands. It looked like they were having fun. After a few minutes, Jaehyun said goodbye to his coworkers and got on the train.
Twenty minutes later, he found the crew in their usual vicinity, tucked into an elbow of sunlight that was diminishing as the sun fell closer to the bridge. Their waving silhouettes were lit from behind by late afternoon. Jaehyun squinted around the circle, but in the gathered corner of light, it was hard to see. He walked around them into the bridge’s shadow.
“Hi, guys. Hi. Hi,” he said.
“Jung Jaehyun,” said Yuta. The light seemed to concentrate on him as if through a lens. He patted the ground next to him. “I saved you a spot.”
“Really?” said Jaehyun.
“No,” said Donghyuck. “Jungwoo just left.”
“Oh.” Jaehyun crossed his legs in the open sun space.
“You want something?” said Yuta.
Jaehyun scanned the deposit of drinks and snacks at the center of the blanket. “What are you guys having?”
“Somersby,” said Donghyuck.
“I’ve just got water,” said Yuta, lifting the clear cup he’d been holding on Doyoung’s story.
“Hmm,” said Jaehyun. The apple cider looked good, but he didn’t feel much like drinking right now. “I’ll just have some pizza.”
He was glad he’d allowed himself to leave his coworkers’ picnic before the allocated forty-five minutes were up. They were nice, but it was so much more fun being here, cradled in the west crook of the Han River’s W, with all the friends he liked the most. In fact, it was acutely beautiful, in a way Jaehyun hadn’t noticed before. The rains had made the river high and the sun hazy. It seemed like all the beams of light led here.
Donghyuck, Jungwoo and Yuta had been telling scary stories. Yuta started his story over so Jaehyun could hear it all. He was good at telling stories. As he gestured, his face was vivid with animation, so vivid that Jaehyun was a little disappointed when his story ended. But the vividness didn’t go away then, or even when the shadow of the bridge enveloped them, and Jaehyun realized that Yuta was just a bright person. He was just the kind of guy who made people glad to be in the radius of his glow.
The pizza ran out, and shortly after, so did the chips. Yuta stood up, saying he wanted to get a soda from the convenience store near the street.
“I’ll get you more chips,” he told Jaehyun.
“No, no, that’s okay,” said Jaehyun.
Yuta pulled on his shoes. “What kind do you want?”
Jaehyun looked to Donghyuck, who shrugged and said, “Depends what kinds they have.”
“I’ll come with you and look,” said Jaehyun.
Yuta held out a hand, and Jaehyun took it. Yuta pulled him up. Jaehyun could smell Yuta’s cologne again, more definitively than earlier. That strange feeling, more unnerving than unpleasant, was back again.
“How are you settling in to Seoul?” Jaehyun asked while they crossed through the bars of sun and shade lying sideways across the park.
“Settling in? Yeah, totally fine,” said Yuta. “I’ve been here for three months, so I’ve gotten into a rhythm.”
“Mm hm,” said Jaehyun. God, he was so bad at making conversation. He watched his feet tread over the grass.
“Helps that this city has so many mountains,” said Yuta.
“Oh yeah,” said Jaehyun, “you love mountains, right?”
“Love ’em. You?”
Jaehyun didn’t hike much, but he did think mountains were pretty. “Yeah, me too.”
“Let me know if you ever want to go for a hike,” said Yuta. “I’m a great guide.”
“Oh, yeah,” said Jaehyun. “Um, like with one of your tour groups?”
“Sure. If you want to be alone, we even have private tour options starting at 60,000 won per hour,” said Yuta.
Jaehyun swallowed and looked at him as they went into the sidewalk. Yuta was grinning, but his grin faded suddenly. “Jaehyun!” he said.
“Huh?”
Jaehyun saw a tandem bike hurtling down the sidewalk out of the corner of his eye right before Yuta grabbed him and spun him onto the grass. The bike blew past them. The couple riding it hadn’t even seen them—the guy on the front was looking over his shoulder at his laughing girlfriend. They trundled on down the sidewalk.
“Holy hell,” said Yuta.
Jaehyun laughed. Yuta’s hands gripped his shoulders. His own hand was on Yuta’s back. “Oh my god.”
“Sorry I manhandled you,” said Yuta, letting him go, brushing off Jaehyun’s shoulder with the back of one hand.
“If you hadn’t, I think I would’ve gotten run over,” said Jaehyun.
He knew he was sharing Yuta’s space a moment longer than necessary, but Yuta wasn’t moving away either, and it was nice to be close. “Looks like you owe me your life now,” Yuta said.
“I’ll try to pay you back,” said Jaehyun.
Yuta stepped away finally. “I’ll hold you to that. And Jaehyun, I was kidding about the hike, you know you don’t have to pay.”
“Oh,” said Jaehyun, following him across the sidewalk, “right. Of course. But I could. Like, for one of the group tours, so I could hear all the fun facts and stuff.”
“I’ll tell you all the fun facts your pretty little heart desires for, get this, free. Did you know jellyfish have been around since before dinosaurs?”
“No,” said Jaehyun.
“That’s dope, right?”
“Yeah. That’s sick. Hey, watch out,” said Jaehyun, catching Yuta’s arm. A couple on a scooter zoomed in front of them. Yuta jumped. Then he made a face.
“Couples,” said Jaehyun.
“Yeah, Jesus,” said Yuta. “They’re everywhere. You can’t escape them.”
“Too many,” Jaehyun said.
“Yeah.” Yuta looked down at Jaehyun as they went up the steps of the 7-Eleven. “Well, consider your debt repaid.”
“Huh?” said Jaehyun.
Yuta held open the door. “I saved you from a couple, you saved me from a couple. Even.”
“Okay,” said Jaehyun. Even.
Yuta went to get soda and found Jaehyun a minute later in the snack aisle. They inspected the potato chip flavors and agreed that sweet and spicy was the safest way to go. The line for the checkout was filled with couples hanging onto each other or standing shoulder-to-shoulder. “Look at this,” Yuta said under his breath, gesturing at the giggling girl and boy in front of them, who had two baskets piled high with food at their feet. “Another couple. Unbelievable.”
“Getting in our way,” said Jaehyun.
“Making us wait in line,” said Yuta.
“Where do they keep coming from?” said Jaehyun.
“Beats me,” said Yuta with a weary head shake.
“So,” said Jaehyun, “what about you? Are you seeing anyone?”
If the question sounded as stilted and sudden to Yuta as it did to Jaehyun, he didn’t show it. “No,” Yuta said. “Are you?”
Jaehyun said, “Well, I was seeing this one girl, uh…but…”
He lost his train of thought. Why had he brought up Sooyoung? They had only met up a handful of times at the beginning of the summer.
“Didn’t work out?” said Yuta.
“I mean,” said Jaehyun, “it was fine, but, like, girls aren’t the only… It’s not just… I mean, I would…”
He floundered. He had no idea what he was trying to say, let alone what he was actually saying. Yuta watched Jaehyun’s mouth move as if he could track Jaehyun’s intended meaning back from the source of his words.
“I don’t only,” Jaehyun tried again.
“You don’t only date girls,” Yuta suggested.
“Well I’ve only dated girls before,” said Jaehyun.
Yuta said, “Ohhh.”
“But you know,” said Jaehyun.
“Who knows,” said Yuta.
“You never know,” said Jaehyun.
“Right,” said Yuta.
Jaehyun cleared his throat again and turned around. What was he talking about? Why had he even brought up dating in the first place? He was just trying to make conversation. And maybe he was also a little curious about Yuta’s dating life, because, well, he was curious about Yuta as a person. But then he’d started talking about…about who-knows-what. He hadn’t even had a drop to drink today.
“Line’s moving pretty fast,” he said.
“Yeah,” said Yuta. “I guess these couples aren’t so bad after all.”
Jaehyun finally got up the nerve to meet Yuta’s eyes. Yuta wasn’t smirking or raising a teasing eyebrow. He just smiled.
“Yeah,” said Jaehyun, “I guess not.”
Summer softened and yellowed. Suddenly it was September. They had one last river picnic, but Doyoung and Yuta couldn’t come, and it wasn’t as fun as the picnic a couple weeks ago. Amid the sea of endlessly identical river picnics, that picnic in August had been special somehow. Jaehyun would think back to it, to the translucent sun trapping the heat, to Yuta and the others’ faces catching the light, and the thought would make him feel warm.
He and Yuta had been texting on and off since a few days after the picnic, when Yuta asked if Jaehyun knew anything about air plants. He didn’t, but he Googled them and said he knew a few basic things. Apparently Taeyong had gifted Yuta his air plant when he left for Australia earlier that summer, and now its tips were turning brown.
“i asked johnny if he knew what to do and he told me to ask you,” Yuta said.
Johnny told Yuta to ask Jaehyun? Why would he do that? Jaehyun had never owned a plant in his life. “Oh he did? Well how often do u water it?” Jaehyun had asked.
“every day!”
Jaehyun scrolled through the air plants article. It said they liked humidity, but not to keep them soaked all the time. “Maybe thats too much?”
“idk maybe?? it was fine all summer”
Jaehyun clicked to another article. Yuta messaged him again. “have you ever had an air plant turn brown at the tips?”
“No,” said Jaehyun. “Does it get enough sun?”
“omg idk… i was worried when the days started to get shorter and my bitchass tiny window wasn’t letting as much light in, so i moved it closer to the window, but i still dk”
“Does it get a lot of direct sunlight now?” Jaehyun asked.
“yeah some!! in the late afternoon!”
“I think it doesnt like that,” said Jaehyun. “Maybe u should put it back where it was”
“oh fr? like the sun is too much???”
“Yeah i think it only likes indirect sunlight”
“OMG…jaehyun plant whisperer thank you so much”
“No I dont know much really”
“yeah you’re the plant expert now”
“Im sure u know more than me”
“i know nothing teach me your ways”
“I just look on the internet a lot”
“god yes that’s so smart. amazing”
“Stop teasing lol”
“now who said i was teasing?”
“When are u not teasing”
“i’m wounded i never tease”
“Oh ha ha mr. make me a creative nickname”
“you never did make me a nickname btw”
“Oh shit uhhmm”
“this is going to be great i’m so excited”
“Nakamotorcycle Yuta”
“…..”
“Fine make your own nickname then”
“that’s not how nicknames work jaehyun”
Jaehyun liked texting his other friends, but texting Yuta gave him a little sugar rush. There was a sense of anticipation when they talked, like Jaehyun didn’t quite know what would happen next. It was different from the rest of his life, where he always knew exactly what would happen. Jaehyun began to look forward to seeing Yuta’s name in his notifications. Then he started looking forward to getting up in the mornings, because Yuta was always up before him, and sometimes there was a text from him when Jaehyun awoke.
On Sungchan’s birthday, the bar was crowded with all his university friends. Jaehyun wasn’t sure if Yuta knew many people here, besides Johnny, and Mark, and Taeil and Donghyuck and the others. Maybe Jaehyun wanted to be next to Yuta as much as he wanted to make sure Yuta didn’t feel alone. Maybe those two things were the same thing.
“You know what I want to do?” Yuta said while they waited for their drinks at the bar.
Jaehyun said, “What?”
“Dye your hair pink,” said Yuta.
Jaehyun’s eyes widened.
“Like a soft pink.” Yuta took his cocktail from the bartender, flashing a smile. “Thank you.”
Jaehyun glanced sideways, wondering what the bartender had done to deserve that smile, but the bartender was already turning away. Yuta said, “Or maybe a silvery lilac type thing. Ever thought about that?”
“Hm. Not really,” said Jaehyun.
“Not really like you never wanted to,” said Yuta, “or not really like it never crossed your mind?”
“It crossed my mind,” said Jaehyun. “But maybe I never thought about it seriously?”
“Why not?”
“Um…” Jaehyun thought a moment. “Not practical?”
Yuta laughed and put his elbows on the bar. He sipped his pretty blue drink. “Yeah, well, you’re nothing if not practical.”
Jaehyun frowned. Yuta offered the drink to him. Jaehyun had forgotten what it was; he only knew it was one of those flamboyantly-named cocktails that he’d always been curious about but never thought to try. He drank from the straw where Yuta’s mouth had just been. The drink looked blue enough to stain both their tongues. Jaehyun didn’t mind.
“It’s so tropicaly,” said Jaehyun as Yuta set down the drink.
Yuta giggled. “Tropicaly.”
“Topical. I mean—”
“It’s topically tropical,” said Yuta.
“It’s,” said Jaehyun, “it’s topographically tropical.”
Yuta hit the bar as he laughed. The bartender handed Jaehyun his gin and tonic. It was Jaehyun’s first time trying this drink too.
“Maybe I just didn’t think I could before,” said Jaehyun. “Dye my hair, I mean.”
Yuta clinked Jaehyun’s glass. “Turns out, you can do whatever you want.”
“i wanna do movie night again,” Yuta messaged one night while Jaehyun was cooking dinner. “last time was great”
“Yeah!!! U still have to watch lotr 3,” Jaehyun said.
He chopped onions while he waited for his phone to go off. It vibrated a minute later. He rinsed his hands. “omg true i need more legolas in my life,” Yuta had said.
Jaehyun wondered what he should say to that. “Hahaha i know right,” he texted, then shook his head and added, “Did u watch the first one yet?”
He could smell the garlic starting to burn on the stove, but he wanted to see what Yuta would say, so he grabbed a spoon and stirred while looking at his screen. Yuta replied, “dont kill me but no ㅠㅠㅠ”
“Whatttt!!!,” said Jaehyun and put down the phone so he could effectively scrape up the garlic from the bottom of the pan.
“i put it on while i was cleaning the other day,” said Yuta, “but i got kind of confused and stopped paying attention ㅠㅠ”
“U have to see it tho!!! Ill watch it with u and force u to pay attention”
“omg yeahhh can we watch it tgt”
Jaehyun turned off the stove so he could give his full attention to the conversation without worrying about the vegetables burning. “Yes!!!! Ill explain all the confusing parts!!”
“please pleaseeeee i would be so grateful”
Jaehyun hoped Yuta was serious. “Ok u can come to my house next weekend if u want!”
Yuta texted back in seconds. “you’re the one doing me a favor, i’ll host~~ you want pizza?”
“Its not a favor at all!!” said Jaehyun.
“sure~~ so pizza or smth else?”
“Do you like chicken?”
“hell yeah”
“Lets get chicken”
“NICE”
On Saturday, Jaehyun couldn’t decide what to wear and changed three times before leaving the apartment. Then he remembered how nice Yuta always smelled, and he backtracked to dig out the cologne his sister had bought him from the back of the closet. He figured Yuta would appreciate a well-assembled outfit and careful self-presentation. Not because he was gay, or that all gay men liked fashion and cologne. Just because Yuta had good outfits and cologne too. He always looked good. Well, he looked good in his yoga clothes, too. And his hiking clothes. But those doubled as his work clothes, so of course he knew how to make them look good.
Jaehyun stopped in the 24-hour store to get a bottle of wine—he was close to a half hour late now, but Yuta wouldn’t mind, Yuta was always late—and pushed through the open door to Yuta’s apartment building. The sun followed him up the stairs.
“Jung Jaehyun!” said Yuta after he opened his door.
“Nakamoto Yuta!” said Jaehyun.
“Thanks for coming,” said Yuta, reaching for Jaehyun, and Jaehyun tried to angle himself to receive a hug, but Yuta was only pulling him inside the apartment. “Hey, you smell good.”
“Me?” said Jaehyun.
“Yeah. Is that wine?”
“Yeah,” said Jaehyun. “Um, is it good?”
“I don’t know. What kind is it?”
Jaehyun regretted not having chosen more selectively at the 24-hour store. “Pinot Noir?”
“Pairs great with chicken,” said Yuta.
“It does?”
“Sure, anything pairs great with chicken.”
Yuta stood on his tiptoes, bringing down wine glasses from a high cabinet. His apartment was tall and narrow, and pretty, with a kitchenette on one end and a coffee table tucked close to a squat couch on the other. Really, it wasn’t a couch so much as a loveseat, or maybe it only looked small because it was crowded with pillows and blankets. Jaehyun followed the arc of artwork up the wall—flowers, more flowers, an abstract splatter of colors, a tree—to the rainbow flag hanging from a ladder.
“You’ve got a loft?” said Jaehyun.
“Yeah,” said Yuta, going around him to the coffee table. “Bed’s up there. Do you want anything besides wine? I’ve got tea and stuff. And water, obviously.”
“No,” said Jaehyun, “I’m okay.”
“Got donuts and grapes,” said Yuta, gesturing at the coffee table, “and I figured we could look at the chicken flavors together and order.”
“You remembered I like donuts,” said Jaehyun.
“I have a better memory than you,” said Yuta. “Come on, come inside.”
Jaehyun kicked off his shoes and went to the coffee table. Yuta was popping open the box of donuts. Jaehyun folded his knees on the floor next to Yuta. “This place is great.”
“Thanks, I think so too.”
“Love the, the flag,” Jaehyun said, pointing over his shoulder.
Yuta, struggling to open the box of grapes, grunted and rearranged his arms. “Yeah? Feel free to take it, I’ve got like six of them.”
“No, I,” said Jaehyun, “wow, six.”
Yuta brought the box of grapes into his lap and wrenched it open. “These fucking boxes.” He held out the grapes to Jaehyun. “I’ve got bi flags, too. And pan flags.”
“Uh,” said Jaehyun.
“Even have a few lesbian flags,” said Yuta. He shook the box of grapes.
Jaehyun thumbed a few grapes off the vine obediently. “Why do you have so many flags?”
“From the pride parade in May,” said Yuta. “My friend and I bought a bunch in bulk and gave them out.”
“That sounds fun,” said Jaehyun.
“You can come next time,” Yuta said, a smile budding on his lips.
“I…I wouldn’t…” Jaehyun put a hand to his chest.
“You wouldn’t?” Yuta said.
Jaehyun put the grapes in his mouth. Yuta waited. Jaehyun swallowed and said, “Can anybody go to Pride?”
“Sure,” said Yuta.
“Cool,” said Jaehyun, “maybe sometime.”
Jaehyun felt incredibly awkward, like his limbs had been tacked onto his body upside-down or he’d accidentally wandered into a place that was off-limits to the public, but he hoped Yuta would keep talking about Pride anyway. Or ask Jaehyun more questions. For a second, Yuta looked like he was going to, but he didn’t.
“So how long has it been since I saw you? Three weeks?” he said.
“Wow,” said Jaehyun, “yeah. It didn’t seem that long.”
Yuta pouted. “It seemed like forever to me.”
“I just meant,” said Jaehyun, “because we were talking for some of it.”
“I’m kidding. God, Jaehyun, you really are too easy to tease.”
“You’re too…” Jaehyun said.
“Yeah?”
“Too teasy.”
“Teasy? TEASY?”
“Teasing. Teaser,” said Jaehyun. “Teaseful. I don’t fucking know.”
Yuta picked up a donut in each hand. “Easy. Tease.” He held the donuts in front of his eyes, letting them overlap. “Venn diagram.”
“Venn diagram!”
They ate donuts and grapes until they realized that they still hadn’t ordered chicken, and by the time the chicken arrived, Jaehyun found himself turning in the eddy of a sugar high. Yuta was so funny and cute, Jaehyun couldn’t stop laughing. Yuta kept laughing too, which only made Jaehyun laugh with him. They started the movie on Yuta’s laptop as the sky outside blazed a burnished ocean color and went black. Jaehyun gulped down a few glasses of water to try to balance the sugar racing through his blood. Still, he could feel his heartbeat, and he couldn’t find a way to properly position his hands, like sparks might crackle from his fingertips if he touched something at the wrong angle.
Yuta kept naming the characters he recognized from the second movie. “Oh shit, it’s Frodo.” “GANDALF?” “Legolas, thank god.” Most of them he got right, but it was cuter when he got one wrong.
“Oh! Sauron,” he said.
“No,” said Jaehyun, “that’s Saruman.”
“But he’s on Sauron’s side?” said Yuta.
“Kind of,” said Jaehyun. “Yeah, basically.”
“But he was Gandalf’s friend,” said Yuta.
“Yeah.”
“That’s fucked up.”
“I know.”
Yuta licked the last of the donut icing off his thumb. He reached for the wipes that had come with the chicken, but he did it without looking away from the screen, so his hand just sort of danced over a pile of napkins. Finally he glanced down at the coffee table, found a wipe, and returned his eyes to the movie while he unwrapped the wipe and ran it over his fingers. He threw the wipe onto his plate and put his chin on his knee. There was something pretty in his stillness, like there was something pretty in his ordinary movements. Jaehyun looked back at the movie, wondering if the reflection of the screen was visible in his own eyes. The house had gotten dark when the sun went down.
Yuta went to the bathroom, and while Jaehyun, he texted Johnny, “Im at yutas house”
“ok?” said Johnny.
“Lol”
“how is he”
“Hes good”
“how are you?”
“Good”
“are you having fun?”
“Yeah yutas great hahaha hes so funny”
“ik hes awesome”
Yuta was on the couch when Jaehyun came out of the bathroom. “You know what I realized?” Yuta said.
“What?”
“We never opened the wine,” Yuta said. “You want it?”
Jaehyun shook his head. “No, I think I’m okay. You open it if you want.”
“Let’s save it for next time,” said Yuta. He patted the space next to him and leaned to press play on his computer. “Sit down, I’m starting it.”
Jaehyun sat, and the screen flickered. They were so close now that Jaehyun had to think about whether he should let their knees touch. He wouldn’t mind if they did. Maybe he wanted them to. Yuta smelled nice, and he radiated warmth. There was something in his closeness that made Jaehyun feel breakable, and also strong. He found himself hoping Yuta might say or do something. Hoping he, Jaehyun, might say or do something. He didn’t know what that would be.
Maybe it would be to lean into their closeness, like leaning into a gust of wind. The chance of meeting resistance, of lifting up; the chance of falling. Yuta was quiet now. He hadn’t spoken for a while. His hair was in his eyes, and every once in a while he brushed it back. Jaehyun wished Yuta would turn to him and bring them closer together so Jaehyun could brush his hair back.
“That was great,” said Yuta, and raised his hands to clap them together.
Jaehyun looked at the screen. The movie was over.
“Maybe better than the second one,” Yuta said.
“You think so?” said Jaehyun.
Yuta shuffled his knees around to face Jaehyun. “Yeah. Or maybe I just liked it more because I understood what was happening. I’ll have to see the second movie again.”
“I like the first one better, too,” said Jaehyun.
“I thought you guys were all obsessed with the second one,” said Yuta.
“Yeah,” said Jaehyun, “I guess that’s just kind of a friend group thing.”
“What about the third one?”
“Super good,” said Jaehyun. “Maybe different vibes, though? A little bit.”
Yuta nodded, closing his laptop. Jaehyun felt almost buffeted by his movements, as if the distance between them had a physical definition. He wanted to tell Yuta, but he didn’t know what to tell. He didn’t know what he was feeling.
“Can we get together again to watch it?” Yuta said. “I like watching them with you, you never judge me when I don’t know what’s going on.”
Jaehyun opened his mouth say, “We could put it on right now,” but then he realized how late it was. He inhaled sharply and grabbed his phone.
“Oh, shit,” said Yuta, “what time is it?”
“11 already,” said Jaehyun, leaping up.
Yuta stood up too. “Wait, will you make the last train?”
“Uh.” Jaehyun thought the last train might have already left. “I can get the bus.”
“Hey, you’re welcome to stay overnight,” said Yuta, gesturing at the couch.
“No,” said Jaehyun, brain suddenly crackling with uncertainty and static, “no, that’s okay, you didn’t plan for it. You probably have work tomorrow morning.”
“Yeah, but I don’t mind having you here,” said Yuta, “not at all.”
“Thank you. Thanks.” Jaehyun hopped on one foot as he pulled on a shoe. “Don’t worry about it, I, uh, I should get home too. But yeah, let’s watch Return of the King together ASAP, yeah?”
“Return of the King?”
“The third—the third Lord of the Rings movie.”
“Okay,” said Yuta. “Do you have everything? Hey, do you want to take home some donuts?”
“No thanks,” said Jaehyun. “Text me how much I owe you!”
“What?”
“For the chicken,” said Jaehyun.
“No,” said Yuta. He was watching Jaehyun whirlwind out the door with his arms folded, smiling. “It was my treat.”
“Ugh,” said Jaehyun. “Okay. Then I treat next time.”
“Sure.”
“Bye Yuta. Thanks for having me,” said Jaehyun.
“Anytime,” Yuta said, waving.
Jaehyun waved back, already halfway out the door, considering going back to give Yuta a hug, then feeling overwhelmed at the thought. “Bye,” he said again, and the door shut between them.
He sprinted for the train but still missed it. He ended up having to take two buses home. The first one was bumpy and too hot. He opened the window. Then he opened his texts. Johnny’s last message, “ik hes awesome,” was still marked unread.
“Hes really awesome,” Jaehyun texted back. He put his head in his hand, and his head jolted with the bus.
“what do you think of him” Johnny asked.
“Wdym”
“idk just like how do you see him?”
“Well hes really funny and,” Jaehyun typed. And what? And wonderful and confusing. “like a really attractive guy in general u know,” he finished.
“yeah totally,” Johnny said.
“You think hes attractive too?” said Jaehyun.
“yeah hes good looking”
“Yeah”
Johnny didn’t reply for a few minutes. Jaehyun’s skin was hot, and the air from the bus window wasn’t helping. He wanted to slide it open further, but he was afraid it would bother the girl behind him.
“so are we talking about the difference between thinking someone is attractive and being attracted to them?” Johnny texted back. “because both are fine”
Jaehyun frowned. “Did u just give taeil the phone??”
“what? no this is a private conversation”
“Idk that didnt sound like u”
“sorry for showing emotional intelligence im just trying to be a sounding board for u here”
“I mean thank u but i dont need a sounding board lol,” said Jaehyun.
“sure… well let me know anytime you need one big boy,” Johnny answered.
Jaehyun got off the bus to transfer. He texted Johnny back, “Will do.” He was alone at the bus stop. The city lights blinked white and red around him.
A text came in, but it wasn’t from Johnny—it was from Yuta. A shot of happiness flushed through Jaehyun at the sight of it. He realized he missed Yuta already. He took a deep breath and reread the message several times.
“did you get the train??” it said.
“No,” Jaehyun replied, adding some crying faces.
“oh nooo i’m sorry”
“What dont apologize!!”
“it’s not my fault but i’m still sorry lol how long will the bus take?”
“Hahaha an hour”
“shoulda stayed here smh”
Jaehyun swallowed. He had wanted to stay. But maybe he needed time to clear his head. Was it any easier to clear his head by himself than it would have been with Yuta? Around Yuta, things always seemed on the verge of lifting a shroud.
“Hahaha ur probably right,” he messaged back. His bus was coming. He boarded and sat close to the front so he wouldn’t get bumped around so much.
To stave off the missing, or whatever ache it was that Jaehyun now carried around with him, he texted Yuta the next day and the day after. He ignored a few peoples’ texts, fully accidentally, and walked right into the new intern at work, spilling coffee everywhere. That same day at the gym, as he was looking at his phone awaiting a text from Yuta, he tripped over the back of a rowing machine and almost knocked off the girl who was using it.
His boss called him into her office on Wednesday and asked if he was distracted because he had never replied to several messages about an upcoming project. He said no. It wasn’t that he was stressed or preoccupied. It was just that he kept forgetting things, because every time his mind wandered, it wandered to Yuta, and the thought of Yuta was tender and lined with apprehension, like a letter with a burning edge. It would have been nice to see Yuta for dinner this week, or even lunch, but Yuta’s schedule was different every day with classes and hikes. Besides, Jaehyun didn’t want Yuta to get tired of him.
Johnny and Taeil had a party Friday night. Yuta had a full day of yoga classes, straight up until ten o’clock. Jaehyun tried to do something other than wait for him, especially since Yuta had said he might not make it, but alcohol wasn’t appealing today, and before Jaehyun knew it, he was the only sober person at the party.
Ten o’clock passed to ten thirty and to eleven. Jaehyun went outside to the landing, where the window was open to the night, no screen, just a wide-flung glass pane. He peered out of it to the street. A couple was holding hands on the playground. A group of teenagers was crossing the road. Jaehyun knew Yuta wasn’t coming, but he looked up and down the street for him anyway, because it felt sweet and mildly bruising.
“Getting air?” said Johnny, coming outside.
“Yeah,” said Jaehyun.
“Are you okay and shit?”
“Yeah,” said Jaehyun.
“Nice.” Johnny’s limbs bumbled against the window frame next to Jaehyun. His words weren’t slurring yet, but they were heavy.
“Are you drunk?” said Jaehyun.
“Yeah,” said Johnny, bobbing his head. “But not severely, I think.”
“Okay, so you’ll remember this, right? And not tell anybody?” Jaehyun said.
Johnny stood up straighter, bringing his feet together. “Yeah, sure. Promise.”
“Okay,” said Jaehyun. He looked up from the street. The edge of the moon was visible along the side of the opposite apartment building.
“So like,” said Jaehyun, “I think I have this…thing…some feeling or…something for Yuta.”
“Fuck yeah,” said Johnny.
“Fuck yeah?” said Jaehyun.
“Sure, fuck yeah.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know, just, like, in general.”
Jaehyun blinked into the glimmer of moon. Johnny put an arm around his shoulders and said, “What feeling?”
“Well,” said Jaehyun, “I don’t know.”
“Mm.”
“I want,” said Jaehyun, “I want…”
“Mm hm.”
“I just, I want—” Jaehyun put his head in his hands. “I don’t know.”
“You wanna be with him?” said Johnny.
Jaehyun wanted to cry a little. “Yeah.”
“Like a friend?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Like a boyfriend?”
Jaehyun said, “But how would that even feel?”
“Is it like when you had girlfriends?” said Johnny.
“No,” said Jaehyun, “no. That’s why I’m so confused.”
“Well maybe that makes sense.”
“What?”
“That it’s not the same as when you had girlfriends. I mean, he’s a dude.”
Jaehyun looked at him. Johnny put a hand on Jaehyun’s head and ruffled his hair.
“Thanks,” said Jaehyun. “Maybe you’re right.”
“Listen, I’m just a drunk straight guy, I don’t really know anything. The internet could probably help you more than me.”
“Nah, shut up, you’re my best friend.”
“You should talk to him about it,” said Johnny.
Jaehyun nodded.
“You want to come back inside?”
“Give me a minute.”
“All right. Love you, Jae.”
“Love you too John.”
Noise bubbled out of the apartment as Johnny opened the door and ceased when he closed it. Jaehyun put his head out the window. The air was cool for maybe the first time since the spring. It filled up Jaehyun’s lungs.
Yuta texted everyone a little later, “guys i’m so sorry, i hoped i’d make it over at some point but i’m not up for it ㅠㅠ count me in for next time!”
There was a shower of “No worries” and “Boooo”s in the chat.
“Miss u!” Jaehyun replied.
Yuta chatted, “ㅠㅠㅠ i thought i’d get some energy back if i took a quick nap but i forgot how naps are…”
Jaehyun opened the message. It wasn’t in the party chat; it had been sent only to him. He smiled. “Lol classic rookie mistake”
“i guess i’m a napping amateur”
“Well no wonder, ur whole thing is exercising and being active”
“that’s no excuse for my ignorance”
“Do you work tomorrow?” said Jaehyun.
“only in the morning, why?”
“Is there enough time for the private hike u promised me?”
“there’s always time for you~”
Jaehyun smiled down at his phone as feeling rippled through him. Johnny yelled from across the room, “Hey, look at that, Jaehyun’s finally having a good time!”
Yuta was late to the subway station where they were meeting, so Jaehyun wandered into the narrow streets nearby and bought kimbap for the two of them. He himself hadn’t eaten much this morning since he was nervous. After he bought the kimbap, he walked around the block once, passed the food stand again, and went back to it for fish-shaped red bean buns. The old lady running the stand gave him two extra for free. He stuffed them inside his backpack, wondering if he should go to the 7-Eleven and get more water. He felt a hand on his shoulder and jumped.
“Hey,” said Yuta, laughing as Jaehyun spun around, “it’s just me.”
“Hi,” said Jaehyun breathlessly. Yuta was in a green tank top with a pink stripe and black shorts. They weren’t any different from the work clothes Jaehyun had seen him in before, but they looked perfect on him.
“Sorry I’m late,” Yuta said, bracing his thumbs in the straps of his backpack. “How long have you been here?”
“Not long,” said Jaehyun.
“But how long.”
“Ten minutes.”
“Oh, okay, not bad.”
“I knew you would be late too,” said Jaehyun, “so I didn’t rush.”
Yuta made a face and imitated him in gibberish. Jaehyun laughed.
“What kind of food do you want?” said Yuta.
“I got some,” said Jaehyun. “Do you like kimbap and carp bread?”
“Oh, hell yeah,” said Yuta.
“Good, because the lady gave me like four carp breads.”
“Ugh. Pretty privilege.”
Jaehyun flushed. Yuta had already started walking. Jaehyun trotted a few steps to catch up and said, “Like you don’t have it too.”
“No carp bread lady has ever given me four carp breads for free.”
“Only two of them were free.”
“I’ve never gotten two for free either.”
“Well,” said Jaehyun, “you should.”
“All right, I’ll let the carp bread lady know that next time.”
“You deserve…” Jaehyun tried to articulate his feelings. “Free stuff. And…”
“And?” Yuta said, his grin growing.
“Everything good,” Jaehyun finished weakly, focusing on the orange shoelaces in his sneakers.
Yuta bumped their shoulders together. “Thanks. I’ll demand only good things from the universe from now on.”
“Good.”
“As long as you do too.”
“Demand good things from the universe?”
“Yeah,” said Yuta. “You should have the best of what life has to offer, Jung Jaehyun.”
Jaehyun said, “I think I already do,” surprising himself, and surprising Yuta, who looked at him.
“At least some things,” said Jaehyun.
“You are adorable,” said Yuta.
Jaehyun’s brain had no words in it, so he just looked at his shoes again.
The mountain path opened from a gate in an apartment complex and quickly lifted them out of the city. The trees were the most fervent green that Jaehyun had seen all summer. The path was busy with other hikers, even though they’d come north of the city and the day was hot. Jaehyun was sweating within a half hour, but Yuta was in his element. For a while he spouted out fun facts like ticker tape. Then he asked how last night was and apologized again for flaking. Jaehyun said he was glad Yuta got some rest. And he was. They crossed a stream, and Yuta’s feet were nimble, even graceful, over the wobbling rocks. In comparison, Jaehyun felt slow and clumsy and seconds away from stumbling into the water. He tried to step where Yuta had stepped.
The path narrowed, meandered, and grew steeper. They stopped meeting other hikers. Through gaps in the trees, they could see the sheer rock faces of other mountains, faces that Jaehyun had only ever seen from the ground. They looked broader from up here, and clearer, and more textured.
They veered off the path onto an outcropping, where was a couple was eating lunch at one end.
“Look,” said Yuta, beckoning. He pointed to a neighborhood of little white buildings spilling between two peaks like a river.
“It’s so pretty,” said Jaehyun.
“What does it look like?” said Yuta.
“Huh?”
“Like, besides a suburb, what does it look like?”
“Like someone knocked over a bucket of toys,” said Jaehyun.
Yuta clapped his hands. “Yes! Or like a pile of gravelly snow on the side of the road.”
“Wow. That’s poetic,” said Jaehyun.
“I’m Shakespeare. Can I have a carp bread?” said Yuta.
“Sure,” said Jaehyun, taking off his backpack quickly. He gave Yuta two carp breads and they sat down. The sun arced over the center of the sky, bright through the leaves. The other boy and girl left. Yuta lay back, closing his eyes. Jaehyun watched the sun seek Yuta’s skin between fluttering leaf shadows. He wondered what it would be like, to skim Yuta’s wrist, his lips, his collarbone, so lightly, but so closely.
Yuta opened one eye, met Jaehyun’s eyes, and smiled. Jaehyun smiled back, blushing but unable to look away. The breeze shushed in the trees.
“Whatcha thinking about?” said Yuta.
Jaehyun said dumbly, “You’ve got sunlight on you.”
Yuta laughed. He sat up, brushed off the back of his head, and struck a pose. “Does it suit me?”
“Yes,” said Jaehyun.
“Good,” said Yuta, sweeping a palm over the sun-painted rock, “I suit it too.”
They sat in silence for another moment.
“We should get to the peak soon if we want to get off this mountain before sundown,” Yuta said.
“Oh, yeah.”
“But you know what one of my coworkers told me,” Yuta said, “is that the best view on this mountain isn’t at the peak.”
“Really?” Jaehyun said.
“Yeah, there’s supposed to be a little detour on the way down, where you can see a pond or something.”
“Should we look for it?” said Jaehyun.
“You want to?”
“If you want to,” said Jaehyun.
“We might have to rush after,” said Yuta.
“What if it’s worth it,” said Jaehyun.
“You’re right.” Yuta stood up. “Secret detour, here we come!”
Within an hour, the red metal stairs to the peak came into view. The stairs doubled back across the rock face a few times, rose above the treetops, and deposited them without much ceremony onto the peak. There was a nearly 360-degree view, broken only by a few high trees and some other hikers posing for photos. From up here, the buildings were too tiny to distinguish, and Seoul’s miasma of pollution and humidity was little more than a smudge on a windshield. They took pictures and started down.
Jaehyun kept his eyes trained on the left side of the path, where Yuta’s coworkers said the detour would be. He and Yuta spotted it at the same time—a little line of dirt, barely visible, dividing the shrubbery and winding off into the trees.
“You think that’s it?” said Yuta.
“Might as well see,” said Jaehyun.
The trail grew more distinct as they followed it away from the path. Thorny vines bearing blushing flowers grazed Jaehyun’s ankles. Yuta held back a bowing stem for him. The birdsong was thick around them.
“It’s like no one’s been here in years,” said Yuta, pushing aside a fallen branch. “Do you think my coworkers were messing with me?”
“No way.”
“Fuck,” said Yuta, “this better be worth it.”
Jaehyun had a feeling. “I think it will.”
“I need one of those big sword things like they have in survival movies.”
“A machete?”
“Yeah, a machete.” Yuta mimed swinging a blade in a figure eight. “I’d slice our way through here so fast.”
“You wouldn’t chop down any of these plants even if you had the chance,” said Jaehyun.
“Damn, you’re right.”
“You can’t fool me,” said Jaehyun.
“Nope,” Yuta said, “not you.”
There was a smile in his voice even though Jaehyun couldn’t see his face. A dragonfly buzzed over Jaehyun’s head, flashing a drop of light from its crystal wings.
Rocks rose above them on either side as they walked. The path dwindled again. Suddenly it flickered out altogether. Yuta touched the face of the jagged rock wall and peered over the dropoff on the other side. Then he turned around.
“I’m starting to really think they were messing with me, Jaehyun,” he said ruefully.
Jaehyun frowned. This couldn’t be it. “What about this rock?”
“You want to climb it?” said Yuta.
“Let me just try…”
Jaehyun raised his foot onto the rock. Almost immediately, it slipped. His knee landed hard on the rock. “Fuck.”
“All right, all right,” Yuta said, “come back.” His hands were on Jaehyun’s back.
“I can go,” said Jaehyun.
“I had to take a rock-climbing course to get my guide job, let me use my skills.”
“Okay,” said Jaehyun, half-kneeling so Yuta could step onto his knee. While Yuta found another foothold, Jaehyun held his ankle. Then Yuta crested the ridge. He grasped the trunk of a young tree in one hand and pushed his hair out of his face.
“Is there anything there?” said Jaehyun.
Yuta said nothing at first. His mouth was wide open. After a second he whispered, “Jaehyun…”
Jaehyun had never heard Yuta say his name like that. It was soft and full of something like wonder. Jaehyun leaned his hand against the rock.
“Come here,” said Yuta, bending his knees and reaching back with his free hand.
Jaehyun hesitated. Yuta nodded. Jaehyun put his shoe in a new hollow of the rock and gave Yuta his hand. Yuta’s fingers circled his wrist. He pulled Jaehyun’s arm across him, wrapping it around the base of the slender tree. Jaehyun was between Yuta and the rock now.
“Hold on,” said Yuta.
“Okay,” said Jaehyun.
Yuta let go of Jaehyun and heaved himself up onto the ridge. He turned around, reached for Jaehyun, and pulled him up.
“Look,” Yuta said.
They had found the pond. Really, it wasn’t much more than a pool, carved into the side of the mountain by a waterfall trickling beside them. Vines hung over the pool, framing a view of the mountain range cropping north in shades of green and brown and gold. Jaehyun had never seen the mountain range like this. It wasn’t just a pointy shuffling of land from up here. It looked like a place where gods used to live.
“I guess they weren’t messing with me,” Yuta said.
He climbed down to the flat rock surrounding the pond. Jaehyun followed him, trying not to let his feet fall too loudly. It felt like the kind of place where you shouldn’t make too much noise. Yuta bent toward the pool. The water was the color of pine needles. He dipped his hand in and winced.
“Cold?” said Jaehyun.
“Yeah,” said Yuta.
Against the backdrop of the mountain range, Yuta was cast in dim shades of blue and green. It was the kind of picture people spent their whole lives trying not to forget. Jaehyun wanted to tell Yuta how beautiful he was, but just saying it like that, you’re beautiful, it wasn’t enough. There was another way to tell him. Jaehyun just hadn’t found it yet.
Yuta said, “Can you believe this?”
“Yeah,” said Jaehyun.
“Well I can’t.”
“I told you it would be worth it,” said Jaehyun.
Yuta smiled, leaning back on the heels of his hands. “You did. How’d you know?”
Jaehyun hadn’t known what was up ahead, but he did know what was inside him.
“I figured,” he said, “we’d find a way to make it worth it.”
Yuta ran his hand over a patch of moss beside the pool. “Remind me to trust you next time. This is amazing.”
Jaehyun said, “How many times have you hiked this mountain without knowing this was here?”
“Not many,” said Yuta.
“Really?”
“I think I’ve guided three…three or four groups to the peak?” Yuta picked up a rock. “That’s why I wanted to come here with you.”
“With me?” said Jaehyun.
Yuta nodded. “I’m still getting to know this mountain.” He turned the rock over in his hand. “I’ve never seen this until today. And I’ve never stopped at that boulder where we ate the carp bread. Plus, the views I have seen before, they change with the weather and stuff. That’s what I love most about mountains.”
Yuta held the rock up in front of his eye. He extended his arm, framing the rock in gold light. “The way you can see everything from a different angle up here,” he said. “It makes familiar things look new.”
Jaehyun knew what Yuta meant. Or if he didn’t, he felt like he did. That was enough.
“That’s what you do for me, too,” he said.
Yuta’s face changed. He looked at Jaehyun.
“When I’m with you,” Jaehyun said, “things feel…different. I feel different. I feel things I didn’t know I could feel.”
Yuta’s parted lips moved slightly. Jaehyun aimed his voice down at his knees.
“I think I really like you,” Jaehyun said.
There was short silence. Yuta put down the rock with a small clatter. Jaehyun felt Yuta shuffle closer to him.
“Like a friend,” Yuta said, “or more than that?”
Jaehyun stared at his shoes. “More than that.”
“Look at me,” said Yuta.
Jaehyun did. Yuta’s face was nearer to his than it had ever been.
Yuta said, “I think I really like you too,” smiling, looking over Jaehyun’s face and into his eyes.
Jaehyun said, “You like me?”
Yuta nodded. “A lot.” He laughed.
Jaehyun inhaled a short breath. Yuta nodded some more, still laughing. Jaehyun touched Yuta’s arm. Yuta’s smile melted, and his hand came to Jaehyun’s wrist.
“You okay?” Yuta said.
“Yeah,” Jaehyun said.
They looked at each other for another long, unbalanced second. Then Jaehyun put his face in Yuta’s shoulder and folded him up and was folded up in him.
And then there was Yuta, and the feeling of being held by him. The swell of his breathing, the pressure of his arms, his skin. And Yuta felt the same way. Jaehyun let the awareness of it take shape inside him.
He lifted his head and said, “You were right about mountains.”
“How they make things new?” said Yuta.
“Yeah,” said Jaehyun, “or just…when they show the way things really were all along.”
Yuta shook his head. “The mountain didn’t do that,” he said. “You did that.”
The words sank into Jaehyun’s skin like ink. Something was starting now. Some curtain was being drawn back.
“Would you kiss me?” Jaehyun said.
Yuta blinked slowly, smile catching. He took Jaehyun’s chin and tilted Jaehyun’s mouth up to his. His lips made everything stop. He felt like a dream Jaehyun didn’t want to wake up from.
Yuta let Jaehyun go and started to say something, but Jaehyun followed Yuta’s lips until they met his again. The spell unbroke for a long moment. When Jaehyun sat back in surprise, at himself and at everything, Yuta took his hand. Their fingers intertwined like birdsong. A piece of light fell or reflected onto Yuta’s hair, radiating. Jaehyun thought he could stay in the perimeter of its glow forever.