Work Text:
Sakura Nishihori entered her apartment, neatly leaving her shoes in the entrance way and moving into the less-than-homey main room. It was still barely light outside, painting the room half in golden glow, half in shadow. Even the late August sun would set soon, but she didn't move to turn on a light. She hit the flashing button on the answering machine and started digging through her cabinets for something to make for dinner as she listened.
"Ms. Nishihori? This is Morio Makino from SGS. I'm just calling to see if you would please reconsider our offer..."
Sakura's brow knit in annoyance as she slapped "delete".
She pulled out a cup noodle and thrust it in the microwave.
*****
Was it something about him or something about her that made her think the man could inspire loyalty in anyone? Akashi Satoru represented everything she wanted in life. Five minutes and she was signing up to follow him to the ends of the Earth. One conversation, and her path was forever altered. She completely lost rationality when he spoke.
It scared her.
*****
If pressed, Sakura would say it was something about the way he smiled at her, like he knew something she didn't and was amused by her ignorance. She had had enough condescension from her own father to last a lifetime, and she didn't have to abide it from her inferiors.
It was the perfect balance, actually, that she was between the diametric opposites of someone so bright as Chief and someone so dark as Mogami Souta. She'd never be able to reach Chief's level, but she could strive towards it. And Mogami could remind her exactly why she was leaving all that behind if she ever thought about sliding back.
*****
The days got shorter, and autumn gave way to winter. The cold came quickly, reminding her of just how alone she had made herself. She was living for her idol now, running full tilt towards the warmth Chief promised with every breath. She devoted everything she had to him.
It would have been fine had Mogami not caught her brooding, had he not looked at her with pity and sympathy in his eyes. He offered her the start of a shaky truce on the spot without even asking if she wanted to accept. She didn't need or want anything from him.
Even if a traitorous part of her was glad to have someone, anyone, as a friend.
*****
Somehow she managed to convince herself her relationship with Souta-kun wasn't corrupting her pure journey towards Chief's promised enlightenment. He was striving upward as well, and a companion on the journey didn't have to distract her from the goal if she didn't let it. The recruitment of Masumi and Natsuki-san only reinforced her thoughts there. She could have other people in her life. Comrades.
Vindication was hers when Chief came for them even when they were buried under an avalanche just as she had believed he would. She had anticipated the right decision on her own, a step forward.
There was no time for celebration, though. She had to train in GoGo Drill. She had to master the pain and get stronger for him.
*****
She spent hours in front of the mirror that night, but she just couldn't make her smile look sincere.
She pushed herself harder.
*****
It's just too much. She's worked herself to exhaustion, but she still can't sleep. She needs to be awake and feel this pain as penance for doubting him. She never should have doubted him. And now he's gone from them, and she can't help feeling they deserve it.
Hands hold hers gently, pull her away from the laptop, turn her around and pull her to a warm embrace. Neither of them say anything; the late-night silence of the Salon seems to press down on her even as his arms don't. And before she knows it, she's crying. Whether it is out of shame, out of loneliness, out of weariness she couldn't say. It's probably some combination of all three. He holds her until she has cried herself out.
He's teasing her, joking with her, trying anything to wheedle out even the smallest of smiles. But the pity is still in his eyes. She can't take it, can't stand to look at him anymore when she knows it's not her he cares about, but satisfying his personal chivalric code. She's wondered more than once where it came from, why Souta-kun felt so strongly about it. But all thoughts like that were replaced with removing his eyes from her sight.
As she makes her decision, she wonders if she had been wrong in thinking her relationship with Souta-kun was harmless. Maybe he had been a temptation all along trying to divert her from Chief. But it is her fault she fell into the trap, it is entirely her fault even as previously gentle hands return her rough, demanding touches in kind.
She needs pain to atone for this betrayal as well.
*****
It's not just once. Sakura knows she should put a stop to it, she really should. But something like guilt pushes them together when Chief is hurt, when Chief disappears, when Chief quits, when Chief pulls his favor from them and gives it to Takaoka. It happens again and again, and Sakura feels worse and worse. It becomes more and more apparent to her she's too weak to follow after Chief.
Souta is being kinder and kinder to her, but she knows she doesn't deserve it, particularly not from him. A voice in the back of her head tells her steadily she's using him, but she doesn't believe it until the day he smiles at her.
It's a private smile, and as she returns it, she realizes he's not just doing it out of pity. And she's not just doing it out of anger.
They've never talked about it. She figures it can end the way it began: suddenly and wordlessly.
*****
The next week Souta is kidnapped and Sakura thinks the only way she could feel more guilty is if Chief knew. Sometimes she suspects he does. But then she realizes he's above the kind of mess she and Souta have made, and she manages not to hyperventilate.
When he comes back, safe as everyone but Sakura seemed to know he'd be, her resolve has long since been destroyed. She's afraid he'll reject her, but she can tell he was as worried as she was. It's not the time to be holding grudges or moral high grounds.
*****
Sakura stared at the rows of women indulging themselves in a twisted fantasy while the world went on without them. She wondered which life of hers was the fantasy and which was the world.
When the Clorinda accused her of wanting to be with the Prince, Sakura had already firmly decided she would follow Chief. No one, not the Prince, not Souta, would come between her and her goal.
This time she actually has the decency to tell him she couldn't do it anymore. It's harder than she expected. Sakura believes him when he says it didn't mean anything to him. She thinks he believes her. They work together seamlessly, and Sakura is happy.
*****
Sakura sees something weird in his eyes every so often, but she doesn't think about it. She's focused on Chief now. She won't lose faith again.
*****
She knew she had passed some kind of trial when she didn't even flinch at the thought of Souta with someone else. In fact, she was glad for him. She practiced her smile more and more, but she still couldn't manage it. Not without Souta's help.
She could make it on her own if she tried harder. She was sure of it.
*****
Souta was leaning against the wall in the elevator with arms crossed; he had been waiting for her. Sakura pushed the button and didn't turn. "Souta-kun."
Instead of a greeting, he said simply, "Stay." There was no humor in his expression, and she thought she heard something that could have been desperation in his voice.
Sakura didn't have anything to say that; he had known her choice going in. She wondered when this had gotten serious, when feeling had entered into their meaningless fling.
The elevator door opened and she stepped out. Souta went back up, a false grin plastered on his face.
*****
Her stomach twisted, but Sakura decided it must be the lift-off. Chief, Akashi-san, had agreed to let her follow him. She was finally able to fully see where the path he had called her to would lead.
She knew she had to leave behind the past if she was going to convince him of her pure devotion. She couldn't doubt him even in the slightest, or else he would see she wasn't wholly sincere. And then she would lose everything she had worked for the past year.
Losing Chief on top of everything else was the one thing she could not do.
*****
Sakura floated in the dark cockpit. She felt upside-down, but that had more to do with her thoughts that her orientation. She had lost track of how long it had been since she undid her harness and let herself fall up. It was their "night," but she wasn't sleeping.
Day 100 and no sign of any space Precious. Day 100 and no sign of her Precious.
She wondered why she was out here. She never should have come. Akashi-san was never going to tear himself away from adventuring.
She closed her eyes, blocking out the stars, and tried to sleep.