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"How can you have so much to say? I thought you'd hold it in for a few more days." Xie Yun leans his cheek a bit against her forehead, the scent of her hair filling his nose, her body a warm weight that his arms bear gladly.
If he lingers just a few extra seconds, well, he's a dying man anyway. A'Fei would not begrudge him this tiny bit of self indulgence, if she knew.
If she knew...
"When something is bothering you, you act overly cheerful. It's only when you are at ease that you are serious."
When did she grow to understand him so well? When did his little Waterweed Elf learn to look past the smokescreen of his chatter to completely see the center of him?
"Little beauty, how do you always surprise me?" Xie Yun murmurs softly from the threshold of her rooms, looking back in at her sleeping form once more before heading off to roam the 48 Strongholds.
He chooses lesser walked paths to keep out of the way of anyone he'd fought beside yesterday, lest they question him about his powers. The distant rushing of the Ximo River is a soothing backdrop to his turbulent thoughts.
He cannot stay at the 48 Strongholds - that is perfectly clear to him now.
"I won't act impulsive without telling you, okay?" A'Fei said to him just now, tentative and soft and so heartachingly lovely in her quiet brave vulnerability. His breath caught in his lungs, everything in him aching to take that sweetly-extended hand, to let himself hold and be held, be seen, just this once.
But that would be unfair to A'Fei.
A dying man with a foot already in the grave, a burden who has weighed the world with his very presence and name and heritage for so many years. And now, his days are definitely numbered, with no promise he can make even of lifelong friendship, leave alone anything else...
To let the bond between them grow any deeper would be selfishness.
Perhaps, it has always been egocentric and laughable - to think that him, Bad-Luck Xie, a penniless vagabond with no more than an empty title and a disgraced name, could be worthy of someone so vibrant and sparking with life and potential as A'Fei. Perhaps it has always been the height of selfishness to flirt with her and court her and tease her and make his attraction apparent to her.
But then again, can a foolish moth be blamed for fluttering around a fire, enchanted by the elemental magnificence of an entity that can transform into comforting warmth or annihilating inferno?
Maybe when he could still at least offer her an entire lifetime of steadfast devotion, his selfishness could still be justified. Because what man could see A'Fei as she is, fierce and independent and beautiful, and not want to at least try?
But at this point -
He will not be the lodestone that holds her back.
Xie Yun stares into the rushing waters of the Ximo River from a leafy cliffside, the skies slowly darkening with oncoming dusk.
No, he will not stay at the 48 Strongholds for much longer.
He will give himself just a few more days, for now when his health still hasn't had time to noticeably worsen too much, to bask in the sunshine of A'Fei glances and smiles. But after that, he will quietly vanish one day, to become no more than a brief ripple in the ocean of her life.
*
This plan gets upended mere hours after he makes it.
A'Fei... how does she always, always surprise him?
She doesn't let him slip away once she sees him, takes his hand in hers to bring him here, a quiet lovely little cove with a small waterfall bubbling behind them and the twinkling lights of the many settlements in the 48 Strongholds spread out beneath their feet.
The moon is luminous and bright.
The way A'Fei looks at him is more so.
Xie Yun's heart flutters in his chest.
That softness from earlier in the day is back in her countenance, a gentle tentativeness that makes Xie Yun want to gather her in his arms and never let go, to beg to stay in the comfort of her embrace till his last breath, whether it be in one year or one hundred.
Something has shifted within her, that much is apparent. Some hesitation or uncertainty that made her blister like a firecracker whenever he teased and poked at her with his romantic interest in her, has now given way to some internal resolution that is heart-stopping and breathtaking and... dangerous.
Because A'Fei like this is the truest test there can be for his resolve to choose a better, more virtuous path - one that is for the greater good. A'Fei looking at him like this, expectant and hesitant, her whole demeanor an open-ended question seeking him to meet her midway, to affirm her unasked questions. A'Fei's little glances, searching and wanting, looking to him to do - something, to start his usual flirting, perhaps, so she can reply in kind for once?
A'Fei like this is the one thing that can shake his determination, because in this moment, here, she is every bit the girl of his dreams.
But, that is the very reason he cannot give in.
He cannot, he will not, allow the bad luck that is his mere existence to darken someone so brilliant.
But then -
"I have you, don't I?" A'Fei says, with a bright sweet smile that makes warmth coil within him, even as icy poison pumps his imminent death through his veins. It leaves him dumbstruck, the boy with his endless fancy words rendered mute by the depth of affection from the girl he loves. "You're not Bad-Luck Xie, you're my lucky star. How many times have I escaped danger because of you? What am I afraid of, if I have you?"
Oh.
Fate really is cruel.
And he has already done too much harm, if she already feels - this.
"I have something for you," A'Fei says, shy and soft, and so exuberant it hurts him to look at her. "But it's not done yet so you have to wait."
He teases her about it, trying to find some footing back to their normal, even if his entire world feels unmoored by the discovery of the depth of her caring for him.
(Is it better or worse to know as a mere moth, that the flutter of your wings hold the power to even quench a roaring fire?)
"Give me one more day!" A'Fei snaps back at him, and Xie Yun musters up a smile.
"One more day, fine," he lies, and nods.
Xie Yun already knows he cannot afford to be here for that.
The way she looks at him when she speaks of this gift - if the conversation tonight has unbalanced him, whatever will come tomorrow when she gives him this gift will shatter his resolution entirely.
He cannot afford to stay for it.
His future holds nothing but a slow pitiful death, whereas hers holds the trajectory of a shooting comet, a sight that can inspire thousands, a presence that legends may be written about someday.
He cannot risk wrecking that, being the hurdle in that, armed only with the optimism of his own fragile determination holding firm, in the face of an A'Fei who could love him back.
That possibility is right there, a dangling heavenly blessing to a wretched dying man. It is right there, writ clear in the way she looks at him, the gentle but firm clasp of his hand within her own.
It is there in the casual unquestioning way she claims a place for him in her life.
One more day of this, and he will crumble.
So, he has to leave tonight.
"I'm sorry," Xie Yun thinks later, as A'Fei leads him by the hand once more, back towards the living quarters at the 48 Strongholds. "I'm sorry, A'Fei, but this is goodbye."