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It was through Heeseung's insistence that Jay had agreed to show up at all. He was grounded, his grades dipping too low for his parents' satisfaction. He'd tried to argue that the last semester of senior year hardly mattered, and he'd already gotten accepted into college in the first place. It hadn't gone well, and even if he'd had a better excuse he likely wouldn't have faired any better. He hadn't planned on disobeying, hadn't made any prior plans he'd be skipping out on. He figured it'd be a chance to get on his parents' good side for once, as if not sneaking out one night would erase years of disciplinary issues. It was Heeseung's fault, really, with his incessant texts. Jay's phone was constantly lighting up and buzzing. Heeseung calling him lame, then coaxing, calling the party he was at boring without him. He'd even tried some cutesy begging that had made Jay less inclined to give in. It was only when he sent him a picture that Jay was finally persuaded.
Heeseung was sitting next to some guy who was almost out of frame, a cup in his hand half-full of some liquor, and a little pout pulling at the corners of his lips. It wasn't an atypical picture from Heeseung, but the splotch of purple under his eye and the streak of red across the bridge of his nose was -- at least, it was atypical for Heeseung to be photographed like that. Jay had seen him like that far more than he'd ever like to, but usually it was unlike Heeseung to proudly brandish his injuries like that, much less at a party of all places.
He'd texted back a quick 'fine' and received a happy emoticon in response. It wasn't fine, Heeseung looking like that had never even been in the ballpark of 'fine.' Jay had hastily pulled on sneakers and fished his car keys out of a discarded pair of pants. If Heeseung wasn't going to take care of himself, Jay sure as hell would. He listened close to the wall of his parents' bedroom, waiting for the telltale light snoring. His parents had always been ridiculously easy to sneak away from. The first time he'd ever done it he'd been on edge the entire night, but now it was routine, unthreatening. Nothing awful would happen if he was caught in the first place. They'd extend his grounding, he'd sneak out anyway. They'd take away his allowance, he'd rely on his friends for expendable cash for the week.
He'd gotten to the address of the party only fifteen minutes after he'd messaged Heeseung, but when he texts him again to tell him he's here, he gets no response. He doesn't want to go in, wants to coax Heeseung into his car and lock the doors, take him back to his house and dab at his wounds. Lock all the doors, make him sleep on the couch, not let him leave until all that energy bubbling under the surface was gone. All that adrenaline always burning in his eyes, clinging to his body. The pent-up rage of getting punched but knowing you can't punch back.
Heeseung still hasn't responded, hasn't even read the message despite his nonstop texts minutes before. Jay groans as he gets out of his car, muscles tightening at the brisk night air. He pulls a sweatshirt out of the back of his car, it's not even his. It's Jake's, most likely, doesn't fit Jay quite right. He's not dressed for a party, but he'll sacrifice a bit of his fashionable reputation for Heeseung tonight. There isn't a whole lot he wouldn't sacrifice for Heeseung, when he thinks about it. It's not a nice thought, and certainly not one he wants to dwell on, so he hurries to the door and makes his way inside, where the droning of music can overpower his thoughts.
The place is packed, more people than a party ever really needs. Some faces familiar, some not. It's easy enough to gauge that this is a party intended for the community college crowd, they carry around their alcohol with no hints of shame or fear. Nonetheless, there are plenty of Jay's peers here. He gives curt nods when he must, but he's not here to socialize, not tonight. The face he's looking for is no where to be found as he pushes his way through the more populated areas. It's starting to make him mad, he keeps his phone in hand, glancing down at it and back up. Finally he finds a close second to Heeseung himself, Jake and Sunghoon. The two are crammed onto the left side of a much too full couch, their heads leaned in close together, almost conspiratorial. If they didn't all spend practically all their time together Jay's certain he wouldn't have noticed them, but their profiles are familiar, comforting.
"Where's Heeseung?" He calls out to them over the music, standing over them to ensure he'll catch their attention. They look up at him lazily, clearly already drunk.
"Jay?" Sunghoon offers unhelpfully, quirking an eyebrow and adjusting his arm around Jake's shoulder.
"Heeseung is here?" Jake asks him before his eyes drift down to Jay's chest. His eyes squint at Jay's jacket in recollection. "Is that my jacket? I've been looking for it all week."
"Whatever, you're no help," Jay cuts him off and peels away from the sofa before either of them can entrap him in conversation. If his other two best friends are at the same goddamn party as Heeseung, why the hell does he feel the need to barrage Jay with texts only to ghost him minutes later? He can tell by the glances people give him as he brushes past them that they're starting to anticipate something from him. He must look like he's here to start a fight, some people watch him with interest, their heads trailing after him. No one wants to miss a spectacle, but Jay isn't here to perform.
He rounds the corner into what he assumes is a bathroom hallway and his blood begins to boil. He's found Heeseung, with his body pressed up against the wall. Some guy's tongue down his throat, one arm around his shoulders and the other on his chest, trailing lower. Jay traces the motion of Heeseung hand as it reaches the guy's zipper, fingers molding over the space.
"Hey," Jay spins around too quick to be natural at the sound of Jake's voice and the touch of his hand on his bicep. Jake holds his hands up and his eyes widen at Jay's jerky movement, brows knitted together in blatant concern. "Everything okay? You look like you're going to rip someone's head off."
Jay registers how tense his jaw is, then his shoulders. Ice rattles in the cup in Jake's hand. Heeseung can handle himself.
"I need a drink," Jay tells him, and Jake lets out a little disingenuous laugh, the corner of his mouth tilted up and brows showing clear disbelief. He doesn't question it though, leads Jay into the kitchen and opens the fridge. He doesn't even noticed they'd picked up Sunghoon somewhere between point a and b until he leans into Jay's face, shaking a hand in front of him.
"You good, dude? Did Heeseung hit on a girl you like, or something?" Sunghoon questions, confused but also clearly amused. "I've never seen you look so pissed before," he lets out a little chuckle in disbelief, but there's nothing funny about this. It should be funny, Heeseung begging him to come here only to make out with some other dude before Jay could even get here. It should be funny, Heeseung parading his wounds for Jay only to go lick them by himself, or let some stranger lick them for him. He squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head at that train of thought, willing his face to stay cool. He doesn't give a fuck who licks Heeseung, or who Heeseung licks.
The cold aluminum of a beer can is pressed into his hand and the sensation is a welcome distraction from whatever the fuck he was just thinking about. Jake's looking at him like he'd look at a child who'd just scraped their ankle, eyes large and searching. Jay glares at him to will him to stop, cracks the top of the beer and downs the entire thing in one practiced swig. Sunghoon cheers as he finishes, clapping a congratulatory hand on his shoulder.
"Thought you had to do school work this weekend?" Sunghoon asks him. Jay wants to answer but as much as he tries to center his thoughts around schoolwork, or parties, or Sunghoon, or Jake, or anything really, he keeps snapping back to Heeseung. Heeseung with his eyes shut, Heeseung with his thin arms and long fingers. Those arms wrapped around broad shoulders, fingers wrapped around something else. Jay pulls the cup from Jake's hands and downs the rest of that too, despite Jake's protests.
"Jerk," Jake spits as he grabs the now empty cup back from Jay and retreats back to the fridge. Sunghoon eyes him suspiciously, and Jay turns away from him to look back into the main room of the party. He watches two girls lazily dance and grind against each other, hoping to will his friends to drop the topic through body language alone. Jake returns to them with another full cup, and thankfully they soon acquiesce to business as usual. They all head back to the house's living room, they drink, they talk, Jay watches a game of beer pong absently and doesn't think about Heeseung. He doesn't think about Heeseung, if anyone asks, at least, definitely doesn't think about the bruise under his eye like over the top eyeshadow, or the little hint of his tongue he'd seen as he'd slipped it into some other guy's mouth. Why would he think about Heeseung, anyway? He's his friend, not his lover, not someone who should care whose mouth Heeseung puts his tongue in. Jay isn't even into guys in the first place, Heeseung doesn't matter. He'll be fine. He's always fine, his wounds always heal, he always shows back up to school, or Jay's house uninvited. This isn't a problem, it's not an issue that needs to be addressed.
Jay's spent so long barely contributing to the conversation that Sunghoon and Jake don't seem to even remember he's there. They've dipped their heads in close again and Jake lets out a little giggle that draws Jay's attention just enough to realize that he's begun to third wheel, notices their fingers laced together, just how truly close their faces are. It's too much, he doesn't need to be here, so he leaves. He wanders absently until he finds himself on a back porch, cold air of the night touching his face and setting a chill through his bones. He takes a seat on the first step, glances around, and breathes a sigh of relief to find that he's seemingly the only one out here.
He squeezes his eyes shut and practically manifests a headache into being, running his hand through his hair in a futile attempt to soothe it. His bangs fall just a little too far into his face, it's time to cut them. He could change his haircut completely if he wants to, college and moving to the city looming closer and closer in the distance. It's just cold enough that he can see his breath fan in front of his face, barely visible discoloration in the dark. Two arms squeeze around his shoulders and pull away just quick as they came, a body quickly falling into place on the steps beside him.
"Hi Jay," Heeseung hums, a distinct warmth to his voice only present when he's drunk or high. Heeseung leans forward enough to fall into Jay's line of sight. Heeseung's trying to catch his eyes, but he won't let him. He doesn't owe Heeseung that, doesn't owe him anything, really. That red splotch across his face makes his eyes betray him. He'd almost convinced himself it wasn't real, an old picture or something. He's not bleeding and it doesn't look deep, but it's still upsetting all the same. Heeseung often has cuts like this, and Jay's made the connection to that ring Heeseung's step-dad always wears a long time ago. The splotchy purple under his eye has only gotten darker since Heeseung took the picture, but it's not that bad. He's seen Heeseung with much worse marks, it could be worse. Might of not even been his step-dad, maybe he'd just just walked into something.
"You can't have been here that long, no way you're already gone," Heeseung says, confident smile on his lips. He's been chewing on his bottom lip and it has a tiny split. Maybe it wasn't Heeseung who'd bit it. It's unfair, that he can still look attractive with marks on his face. It's an objective observation, nothing more.
"I've been looking for you," Jay tells him, and Heeseung's smile brightens even more. He leans back and braces himself on his palms, the smooth material of his shirt sliding a bit down his arms where he's pulled the sleeves up. It's a silky off-white button up that he and Sunghoon had convinced him to buy. They'd always told him how he needed to dress more fashionably. Jay had pulled it off the rack and forced Heeseung to put it on. He'd been reluctant, but finally given in when Jay told him he'd buy it for him. He hadn't worn it afterwards. It stirs something in Jay he'd rather not address, seeing Heeseung wearing the pretty clothes he bought for him. Kissing guys in the pretty clothes he bought for him.
"I was looking for you too," Heeseung chuckles. Jay's hand balls into a fist reflexively. Heeseung has an interesting definition of looking for. Jay's eyes fall to a bit of splotching along Heeseung's throat, and at first he thinks they're more bruises. His step-dad hadn't choked Heeseung before, at least that Jay knew. He feels his face warm up when he recognizes the marks to be hickeys. The collar of the shirt is unbuttoned enough to see the whole length of Heeseung's neck, and his collarbones too. In retrospect, this shirt was a mistake. Heeseung's much too powerful in this.
"What are you looking at?" Heeseung tilts his head a bit to the side in question, but it feels so pointed. Like he's intentionally displaying his neck for Jay, teasing him, rubbing it in his face that someone else gets to put their mouth all over him when Jay can't.
"You're hurt," Jay settles on, forcing his eyes back up to Heeseung's face. Heeseung's eyes glint with glee, having won their game by getting Jay to look at him directly.
"I forgot, can't even feel it," Heeseung laughs, all breathy, disingenuous. Heeseung's never been a good liar, and with Jay there's no chance. They know each other too well to hide anything between them. Jay reaches up in the direction of Heeseung's face and he reflexively flinches away.
"Okay," Heeseung lets out that same little laugh. It's infuriating, he shouldn't be laughing. "Okay, yeah, it still hurts." Even with admittance, he's still trying to downplay it. Jay can hear it in his voice, how he's forcing the smile into it rather than letting it come out naturally.
"Did you treat it?" Jay asks, though he already knows the answer. If he'd treated it he would have covered it up with something, Heeseung isn't stupid. Probably waited for it to stop bleeding and cleaned off the blood. Left it like that, adding to the damage. Heeseung doesn't respond, holds his tongue. The smile slips just a little from his lips.
"Come on, it you won't, I'm gonna do it," Jay announces, standing up and grabbing Heeseung's wrist before there can be any protest. Heeseung does protest, but allows himself to be led back into the house. Jay imagines he probably looks like a jealous boyfriend right now, coming into the party pissed and leaving dragging Heeseung with him. He doesn't mind what the party goers think, and even revels in the little bit of shame Heeseung might feel. It's thrilling, to think that others might assume that Heeseung is in some way his. As If Heeseung wasn't some creature Jay had failed to domesticate years ago. A stray cat not properly socialized as a kitten. He'd let Jay get close, pet him a bit, but hiss and run away just as easily.
Jay's got him halfway between the house and his car when Heeseung suddenly stops in his tracks. Jay isn't expecting it and accidentally yanks his wrist a bit hard. Quickly his anger is replaced with concern as he turns around to view Heeseung, preemptive guilt that he may have exacerbated a wound on his wrist. Instead Heeseung is simply pouting, almost more dangerous than his shirt. He's puffing out his cheeks a little and Jay looks away as quick as he can. Heeseung's been spending too much time with that junior, Kim Sunoo. Learned all these new tactics to break Jay down. He decides not to think about the implications of Heeseung trying to use this tactic on him in the first place. He's just very drunk, surely. Nothing more to it, nothing more to the clothes, the increasingly frequent touches, the incessant texts.
"I don't want to go to your place," Heeseung says, voice accentuated with a small whine. It's making Jay cringe but he forces it off of his face and deep into his gut where Heeseung will never see it.
"Just to clean the cut, nothing else," Jay tells him, lies through his teeth. Just to clean his wound, and sit him down on the couch, put on some movie, wrap his arms around him until his protests die down. Hold him until he falls asleep, linger there longer than he needs to. Platonically, nothing more than that. The sort of thing they'd definitely do in daylight where others could see, because it wasn't weird. Friendly affection, nothing to feel ashamed about. Nothing to think about in bed after Heeseung leaves.
Jay blinks away his drifting thoughts too late when he realizes Heeseung's come right up to him. He grabs the car keys from Jay's hand a whirls around to give them an impressively formed toss onto the roof of the house they just left. They hook perfectly onto on of the roof tiles, far beyond retrievable.
"What the fuck, Heeseung?" Jay yells in disbelief, gaping at the glint of his keys on the roof. He pushes at Heeseung's shoulder and immediately the regret is back. Thankfully Heeseung stumbles a couple steps back with no signs of pain. Laughter erupts from him and Jay can see it wrack through his whole body.
"I really," Heeseung pauses to catch his breath, taking in big gulps of cold air, "I really didn't think that'd go so well," He giggles. He coughs a little but can't quite stop laughing, swaying on his feet. Jay's had enough. He grabs Heeseung by both shoulders and forces him to face him. Heeseung's eyes widen but his smile doesn't budge. There's excitement coloring his eyes, making them seem impossibly bright, almost glowing in the dark.
"That's it Heeseung, you're getting your fucking cut cleaned, whether you like it or not," Jay tells him as stern as possible. The absurdity of the situation is starting to weigh on him, cracks threatening his facade. Heeseung really brought him out here just to tease him, and now he's thrown his keys onto a stranger's roof. He wants to laugh, wants to cry, wants to punch Heeseung or kiss him on the mouth until all his laughter and pain and heartache is an afterthought.
"Only if you promise to stay out with me all night," Heeseung says, his smile drops but his eyes are still blown wide. It's too intense but Jay can't bring himself to look away. "You can't make me, just wanna stay out tonight, one last time," Heeseung's bruise is a deep purple.
"Okay," slips out of Jay's mouth before he can even think it. One last time echoes in his head. He tries to attach meaning to it but can't pinpoint a match. They still have a month before graduation, and the summer after that. One last time isn't happening yet. One last time is when they all leave for college, not now, on a random Sunday night. Jay isn't ready for one last time. Heeseung grins at him and Jay lets him go.
"Fuck, you really had to throw my keys on the roof?" Jay breathes out and he can't stop the hint of a smile forming on his lips. It's absurd, what he lets Heeseung get away with. Heeseung laughs.
"I'm serious, I was just gonna throw them in the general direction," Heeseung tells him through little giggles. Jay lets himself have a moment to reflect in the simple comedy of his keys on the roof, before wracking his brain for the nearest gas station. He's not familiar with this part of town, but he thinks he remembers a combination foodmart and gas station not far from the party. He grabs Heeseung's wrist again and leads him up the sidewalk and away from the residential area. Heeseung follows obediently, thankfully. Quietly too, and it's in many ways a relief. There's no telling what Heeseung might say when he's hopped up on adrenaline and booze. What he might do to burrow his way under Jay's skin, toy with him. Rounding the corner Jay can thankfully see the glow of the gas station, devoid of cars but with a flickering open sign next to beer and lottery advertisements. As they approach Heeseung pulls his arm from Jay's grasp.
"I'm not going in," Heeseung tells him. When Jay hesitates, he points up at the bruising under his eye. "Don't want you to look like my crazy abusive boyfriend or something."
"Right, like I'd ever be your boyfriend," Jay quips, and immediately regrets it from the way Heeseung's smile wavers.
"Right," Heeseung echoes with a small nod. Jay makes his way inside before that exchange can get any worse. The brightly lit store makes his eyes sting, a painful reminder of his current headache and intoxication. He finds a bottle of hydrogen peroxide easily enough. He's about to grab the cheapest box of generic bandaids as well but hesitates. He calls the shots, he chooses the bandaids. The man at the counter eyes him a bit suspiciously, but as he isn't actually purchasing anything illegal, he lets Jay go without a word.
Heeseung has sat down on a parking bumper just out of view of the entrance of the store but close enough to still be bathed in light. Heeseung is all skin and bones, no fat. The shirt he's wearing is thin, too, and Jay can't help but assume he must be freezing.
"Aren't you cold?" He asks and Heeseung shakes his head. It looks genuine, which is almost more troubling than if he'd told Jay he was freezing. He decides on tackling one issue at time. "Look at me," He tells Heeseung, who obediently lifts his head up in Jay's direction. They've done this before, far more than they ever should have. Jay isn't even sure if what he's doing is right, but Heeseung's wounds heal everytime, so he at least knows he's not doing it abjectly wrong. He grips Heeseung's jaw to hold him still and Heeseung closes his eyes tight.
"It's gonna sting," Jay announces, just another line in a well worn script. He pours the hydrogen peroxide onto the cheap cloth it came with and begins dabbing it onto the cut on the bridge of Heeseung's nose. Heeseung scrunches his eyes tighter and hisses. Jay spends a little more time dabbing than he really needs to, enjoys how his thumb lightly indents into Heeseung's cheek where he holds him. When he pulls away there's a little glistening at his waterline, but no tears fall. Jay pops open the box of bandaids and fishes one out, pulling it from its wrapper. He's about to put it on when Heeseung pulls his face away, the corners of his lips pulling upwards.
"Hang on, what is that?" Heeseung asks him, smile widening as he eyes the bandaid. It's light blue with little green cartoon dinosaurs on it.
"A bandaid," Jay deadpans best he can muster. Heeseung smirks and narrows his eyes at him.
"Is that really the only bandaids they had in there?" He asks, flashing another brilliant smile. Jay smirks back at him.
"No, there were others. You don't buy the bandaids, you don't get to pick the design. Tough shit," Jay tells him, puts a finger under Heeseung's chin and tilts it up again. He gently applies the bandaid, careful to cover the wound as much as possible and lay it flat to be unobtrusive. The finished task is too much, Heeseung in his nice silky shirt and tight pants, dinosaur bandaid plastered over the bridge of his nose and a new pout on his face. Jay can't help but bark out laughter, buckling over with unrestrained mirth.
"It's really not that funny," Heeseung smirks at him incredulously, rising to his feet. Jay calms himself enough to focus on his next task, pulling Jake's sweatshirt over his head and pushing it into Heeseung's hands.
"What, you want me to wear your sweatshirt now too? I thought we weren't gonna play boyfriends," Heeseung sucks his bottom lip between his teeth and when it comes out the little split is red and glossy.
"It's not even mine, it's Jake's," Jay tells him. It's cold without it but at least his own sweater provides far more warmth than what Heeseung's working with. Heeseung pulls it over his head and it doesn't really fit him any better than it does Jay. He wishes it was his own sweatshirt, wonders how something his size would fit over Heeseung's body. The thought is unwelcome but it matters less when it's just the two of them.
"Are you hurt anywhere else?" Jay asks, and Heeseung shakes his head. At least he got off easy tonight, might have only been struck once. Much better than the time Heeseung showed up at his house with his side blackened with bruises, or when he'd called Jay but couldn't talk right with the blood pooling in his mouth. Sunghoon and Jake knew about Jay's step-dad too, but he always came to Jay. It's a sick thing to feel proud about, but it makes his chest feel warm nonetheless. Heeseung doesn't show his vulnerabilities easily, yet he lets Jay see his soft underbelly.
"What's next on our date?" Heeseung asks him, continuing to chip away at the carefully placed walls of their friendship. He's not usually quite so unrelenting about it, even when they're drunk and alone. He's so unabashedly pleased at the way Jay squirms under his teasing, barely restraining his own feelings.
"You're the one insisting on staying out all night," Jay feels uncharacteristically emboldened for once, "you decide, babe," He lets the word come out of his mouth, awkward and clunky. Jay swears that Heeseung's eyes practically sparkle. It's nothing, of course. They're just friends, never more than that. Jay doesn't like guys, anyway.
"Follow me," Heeseung tells him. He leads Jay down the sidewalks to the central part of town, a few bars still open and a stray restaurant open late lighting up the streets. Heeseung dips into an alleyway and around the back of a building, gesturing for Jay to follow.
"Found this place with Jake," Heeseung whispers before pulling open the backdoor of the building, revealing a hardwood interior. It's dark, but it's also practically empty, wooden booths and the husk of a kitchen the only indication that this place was ever a restaurant in the first place.
"What are you doing hanging around in dark abandoned restaurants with Jake?" Jay asks. He wasn't feeling jealous until the words had already left his mouth.
"What are you doing walking around with his sweatshirt on?" Heeseung counters easily. "The best part is up here," He calls from the foot of a stairwell. Each step creaks and it sets Jay's nerves on edge, the thrill of getting caught willing him to step lighter.
"You're gonna make Sunghoon jealous," Jay says as they finish ascending the stairs, revealing a barren open space with glass windows for walls. Heeseung heads to the panes and Jay follows. Looking down he can see the street, sidewalk, the mall across from them. There's two people on the sidewalk and suddenly Jay feels an urge to run away and hide.
"Sunghoon doesn't get to be jealous unless he actually asks him out," Heeseung says, eyes gazing out over the town at night. Heeseung looks so gorgeous like this, the blue and purple neon sign of the building next to them illuminating his face.
"Can people see us up here?" Jay has to ask, the adrenaline of it making him bounce between each foot.
"Probably, if they actually looked," Heeseung says, he sits down on the wooden floor facing out towards the street and props his chin up with his hands. Jay hesitates before joining him. Would anyone look up at them? Probably not.
Once seated Jay finds himself out of words. The silence isn't uncomfortable. It feels important. Something to savor while it lasts. One last time, his brain reminds him.
They didn't talk about colleges together. It didn't even cross Jay's mind. The college Heeseung had got into Jay hadn't even applied for. The week that acceptance letters rolled in he remembers Sunghoon and Jake excitedly telling each other about how they'd gotten into the same college. It wasn't until that moment that Jay had realized that they wouldn't all be together anymore. Maybe they could have, but Jay hadn't thought to make that a reality until it was too late. Heeseung hadn't either, or maybe hadn't wanted to. Maybe he was ready to move on from his high school friends. That's how it's supposed to go, after all. You make friends in high school, make new friends in college. You make work buddies after graduation and find a nice woman to marry. Have kids, make friends with other parents. That's what Jay wants, right? That's what everyone's supposed to want, at least.
"Jake's a good kisser, Sunghoon better ask soon or someone else might first," Heeseung breaks the silence. Jay's tired of talking about Jake. He's long out-stayed his welcome as a conversation topic. He's starting to resent giving Heeseung that sweatshirt. "I'm obviously the best kisser out of all of us, though," Heeseung looks over at him with a little smirk.
"Oh, yeah?' Jay asks, feels a familiar jealously lick white hot flames on his tongue, "that what you were proving to that guy, right after begging me to come see you?" It comes out too pointed. Jay's losing control, fatigue starting to make his words messy. Heeseung stares at him with an unreadable expression and it makes Jay's skin crawl.
"You like to watch, huh? Didn't think you'd be the kinky type," Heeseung says, he's got the tone right but his lips don't twitch. Still unreadable. Heeseung's always so difficult, yet Jay keeps coming back for more.
"You weren't exactly making out with him in private," Jay says. His words are too loaded but he doesn't know how to wind it down. If Heeseung's going to keep pushing Jay will have to as well in defense. He doesn't know how else to protect himself.
Heeseung stays quiet for too long, this time the silence is unbearable. "I don't mind kissing in public, because I don't care who sees," Heeseung tells him, he's talking slower now, picking his words carefully.
"I don't want to see it," Jay blurts out, immediately regretting it. Heeseung continues to stare at him as Jay tries desperately to salvage the situation. He doesn't care that Heeseung kisses guys, hell, he wants to kiss Heeseung so clearly he also wants to kiss guys.
"I mean, I don't want to see you kiss other people," Jay tries to clarify. He squeezes his eyes shut, tries to will sobriety and clarity of mind into being.
"Other people?" Heeseung questions, voice barely over a whisper. Jay opens his eyes and swears Heeseung is sitting closer, but the pattern of neon across his face hasn't changed.
"I think you'd look best kissing me," Jay says, it's smoother than he was expecting but still more awkward than he'd hopes for. Heeseung gaze is becoming overbearing. Despite the temperature and his single layer Jay's skin is running hot.
"You don't care who sees us?" Heeseung asks, so quiet and gentle. His eyes flit back to the glass and down to the street. Jay glances down as well. There's three people below, coming out of the restaurant with the neon sign. They aren't looking, probably. He can't quite tell, the glass isn't clean so they aren't much more intelligible than silhouettes. He looks back to Heeseung and nods, swallowing carefully and hoping it isn't loud enough for him to hear.
"You sure? They could be anyone," Heeseung says, glancing back down as the trio starts to cross the street. "What if it's Jake and Sunghoon? What about your parents? What about my step-dad?" Heeseung asks. Jay's mouth is much too dry. Heeseung's asking too much from him, has been all night, but Jay wants him so badly. He needs Heeseung, as much of him as he can get, before it's too late.
"I don't care," Jay insists. It's liberating but terrifying, admitting it aloud. "Just want to kiss you," he continues, pausing before adding, "so bad." Everyday, he considers appending. Even when you wear ridiculously bad clothes, or tease too much, or throw important items onto rooftops. But it's too much to lay bare, too raw. He's said enough. Heeseung moves forward carefully and presses their sides together, leaning in close enough for Jay to feel breath fan across his face. He expects the liquor scent to be prominent but it's barely there.
"Then do it," Heeseung whispers, eyes locking with Jay's. The little dinosaurs stare back at Jay, the bruising under his eye practically black. Even despite it all, the fresh wounds and old scars that make Jay's blood boil with a rage he can never satisfy, Heeseung is still stunning. He can take his breath away even at his worst. He does his best to reciprocate, pressing their lips together. To his delight, Heeseung does sharply inhale. Jay figures he'll have to work a bit to get him truly breathless, but it's a start.
He wishes he could take it slow, open Heeseung up to him gradually. Treat him gentle, like he deserves. His body won't let him. He dives forward into kissing Heeseung head first, years of repression and angst built up into one cathartic release. They only have so much time, he can't help but rush. His hand finds its way under Heeseung's chin once again to angle him into a deeper kiss. Heeseung is pliant and receptive, matching Jay's movements but letting him lead. He's already been kissed tonight, Jay thinks bitterly, so he has competition to best. He bites down on the little cut on Heeseung's lips and drinks in the noise he makes like a fine wine.
"Sorry," He mumbles against Heeseung's lips, pulling away just enough to trail down to his jaw. He follows the trail of hickeys down Heeseung's throat as far as he can, pressing chaste kisses against the salt of his skin. He follows the trail back up slowly, leaving gentle love bites atop the already darkened spots. He can't erase them and it only fuels him to kiss Heeseung more, coming back up to his lips just as Heeseung reaches up to tangle his fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck.
Heeseung kisses him steadily, never giving way or wavering. Jay's certain Heeseung is better, more experienced, but he's letting him take the lead anyway. It's both emboldening and scary. He's desperate to please but isn't certain of the grading rubric, hasn't kissed enough guys to know. Something wet slides across his cheek and he internally grumbles, ashamed of himself for crying now, when he finally has Heeseung where he wants him. It's only when Heeseung hiccups against Jay's insistent kisses that he blinks his eyes open to realize he wasn't the one crying at all.
Heeseung has a line of tears trailing down the cheek opposite his bruise, he inhales shakily when Jay looks at him. Heeseung crying is something new and unfamiliar. Despite all the pain he'd been inflicted, all the pressure for good grades and good behavior, Heeseung never cried. Not in front of Jay, anyway.
"I'm helping my mom move next weekend, then moving my stuff after. Graduation's the last night I'll be here at all," Heeseung hiccups as he speaks, tears starting to break on the opposite waterline, "we don't have any time left."
Jay doesn't know how to handle this, didn't think he'd have to yet. He wants to cry too, but the tears don't fall. They well in his tearducts, making his eyes sting. He cups Heeseung's face in his hands and presses a gentle kiss to his mouth, his cheeks, his nose, under his eye. Careful not to touch anywhere that would hurt, he swipes his thumbs across the skin, appreciates the little indent where they touch.
"Stupid, we're so stupid," Jay weakly laughs, continuing to press kisses against Heeseung's face. Maybe if he hadn't been so scared of admitting he likes Heeseung, maybe if Heeseung had pressed him sooner. Heeseung's lip is bleeding where he bit it and Jay's starting to feel a heavy guilt tug at his heart. Maybe if he'd called the police when Heeseung told him not to. Then maybe he'd have been gone before they could get so attached.
"Really, really stupid," Heeseung gives him a lopsided smile. It hurts. Kissing Heeseung was never supposed to hurt. It hurt when he'd hug him on the couch knowing they'd never be more than friends, but going through with it was never supposed to hurt. He kisses Heeseung again and again, desperate to fill the remaining time with kisses. He's terrified to think how long they have before daylight. How many hours they have together before Heeseung leaves for real.
"Can't believe I threw your keys on the roof," Heeseung laughs against Jay's lips, breathy and pathetic.
"Can't believe you threw my keys on the roof," Jay echoes pressing their foreheads together. Finally his tears break, weak laughter clinging to his lips. He does his best to wrap his arms around Heeseung, keep them close, as if proximity alone will make up for years of lost time. Heeseung's taken to gently stroking his hair, and it sends tingles all through his body.
Jay's never felt quite like this before, an unruly concoction of euphoria and grief. His headache throbs to make its presence known, and his mouth becomes much too dry. Still, he sits with Heeseung, immovable. He desperately chases the imprint of a romance. Fleeting images, the suggestion of a life slipped past their fingertips.
"I'm cold," Heeseung tells him, finally.
"Me too," Jay says, staring at the bandaid across Heeseung's face. "Want to go to my place?"
"Yeah," Heeseung murmurs, his hand stilling in Jay's hair but lingering, longer than he probably should. It's enough to encourage Jay's to move forward and press another kiss to his lips, this time chaste. Heeseung's lips are dry and rough from crying and kissing and biting.
They walk back downstairs in silence. The distance to Jay's house is manageable but not close. They walk fifteen minutes before Heeseung finds Jay's hand and slots their fingers together. Jay hates that he thinks about Heeseung's hands on a stranger's pants. He resents Sunghoon and Jake's own hand holding earlier in the night. It came so easily for them. Jay is relentlessly jealous, wonders how many more times they've gotten to kiss than Jay and Heeseung have. He hates the soft sleeve of Jake's jacket brushing against his wrist, hates that he didn't even get to kiss Heeseung somewhere special for just the two of them. He hates that he has to share that place with Jake, knows that Jake kissed Heeseung before Jay ever could. Sunghoon probably did too, but he doubts Heeseung would tell him if he asked.
He has to retrieve the spare key from his backyard, Heeseung's bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet to keep warm. The house isn't much warmer than outside. They head upstairs to Jay's bedroom without question, despite it being a break in routine. Jay's bed isn't warm but it won't take long once they're wrapped in its embrace. He slips his sneakers off as Heeseung does the same, crawls under the blankets without bothering to change out of his jeans, Heeseung following suit.
"Take this off," Jay tells him, pulling at the sweatshirt. Heeseung pulls it over his head and makes a tiny sound of pain as it catches on one of the wounds. Jay pulls him close, Heeseung's lanky body fitting uncoordinated against his own. They're no good at this, but it doesn't matter. For now Heeseung can be his, only his. In Jay's bed, wearing the shirt Jay bought, little dinosaur bandaid that Jay put on him.
Heeseung places his face gently against the pillows, careful not to put pressure on his bruise. His gaze is intense as always, even with his eyes half lidded by a drowsiness long pushed aside. Jay wraps an arm around him and shifts forward just enough to press one last kiss to his lips before his eyes flutter closed. Heeseung's breaths even out quickly, but Jay isn't quite so eager.
He's desperate, doesn't want to waste time with Heeseung asleep. One last time won't stop circling around in his head. Their last night together, tomorrow Jay's grounding will get extended when his parents find Heeseung here. Next week Heeseung will be packing boxes. They have final exams soon, graduation practices that always run far too late to do anything else. His eyes sting but he's exhausted all his tears. At least they had one night, he thinks bitterly, though it would have hurt much less if they'd had none. Jay should've just ignored Heeseung's texts. Let him spend the night with strangers. A sliver of pale light falls over his face as the first indication of sunrise. No more nights left, Jay muses. He shifts closer to Heeseung's body, as close as he can. One last morning, he tells himself.