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“-And this is our weapon storage. You won’t have access to it unless you’re with a superior with a keycard. Don’t try anything stupid like trying to break in. It won’t do your career any good, to put it mildly.”
The words were said with a casual yet serious tone to them. The speaker, dressed in a tight ash gray uniform only worn by captains, held his hands behind his back, shoulders straight, and chin up - a stark contrast with how the man used to be when he was younger.
Nods came from the two rookies. The captain found it amusing how boyishly curious their eyes turned when the subject changed to weapons. That used to be him too.
As the captain of their division, Mark Lee-Nakamoto was assigned to introduce the rookies to their special unit facility. At his still young age of thirty, he was more than capable of still going out on the field but he preferred working on the sidelines; and giving orders from the headquarters.
After all, the government promised to give him a desk job after loyally serving the country for many years and saving the world several times when he was practically still a kid.
“Mark!”
Mildly annoyed by the disturbance, Mark turned around to see Johnny jogging towards him, Ipad in his hands and headset still on. The tall brunette had always been one of his best friends. He had been the first by his side during his superhero days. His man in the chair.
During his days as Spiderman.
“Sorry, Johnny, I’m pretty busy at the moment. If you could come-”
Johnny shook his head, panting from the short jog.
“This is very important.” He said it with a weird emphasis, tone worried, and Mark furrowed his brows as he gave his friend a quizzical look.
“Okay give me five minutes and I’ll be there,” Mark said as he wanted to turn back to the rookies, an apology on his lips.
“It’s about your husband.”
As if stung by a wasp, Mark whipped back around. Suddenly his heart started beating twice as fast, anxiety settling in his abdomen.
In two steps he had crossed the distance between him and Johnny and took the Ipad from the already stretched out hands. He took a few more steps as he peered at the footage showing his husband caressing the fabric of his old Spiderman suit.
This couldn’t be happening.
He had taken all precautions for him not to find the secret room. He did everything.
A deep pit opened in his gut. “Fuck.”
Without giving the rookies another glance he pressed the Ipad back into his friend’s hands.
“I’m leaving.”
A hand around his wrist held him back for a moment and Mark looked back into Johnny’s eyes -the skin around the edges was a little less tight than ten years ago. Johnny gave him such a penetrating stare that Mark felt the urge to look away.
“Mark, I’m saying this as your friend, not your colleague. You can’t keep doing this. Not to him, not to yourself.”
Mark let out a stuttering breath and pulled back his hand almost aggressively. He pushed up his glasses and stilled for a moment, gaze to the floor before he made up his mind and rushed away without saying a word.
⚜
Mark had lost so many people during his time as a superhero: Friends, who he considered as family, actual family members, colleagues… So many colleagues of which some had sacrificed themselves so that he could continue to save the world. It was a heavy burden he could never get off his shoulders.
Then there were also the civilians who died while he watched, the ones he should have saved but couldn’t. Who also had families of their own.
His past was filled with heroic events, but most of all it was filled with grief.
So if there was one person he wanted and needed to protect, it was his husband.
They’d been married for four years. Known each other since college.
Yuta had been the sliver of color in his days of black and grays. The one person that made his life bearable and made him want to live his life to the fullest.
He thought he had done everything to protect him this time, but again Yuta found his way into his secret past. Thinking about what was waiting for him behind their shared penthouse’s door, made Mark practically jump off his motorcycle after he parked it haphazardly in front of the apartment building.
He ran through the entrance hall, startling an old lady who lived three floors below them, ran up the stairs since elevators gave him claustrophobia, and opened the door of their living space with shaky hands.
Yuta was unexpectedly not in the living room, where Mark could usually find him napping or reading. He continued to make a beeline towards his office.
A square hole in the corner of the room, where stairs led into the taunting darkness, was on display and Mark wondered how in the world Yuta found the button on the ceiling of the third drawer of his desk.
Why hadn’t he been more careful?
But there was nothing he could do to change the unfortunate course of events and so he dreadfully descended the stairs, not knowing what exactly would await him.
When Mark arrived into the hidden room, his eyes were immediately drawn to his husband who was sitting against the wall opposite of the closet, staring mindlessly at his Spiderman suit while toying with the wedding ring on his finger.
Mark rested his weight on his thighs, exhausted and out of breath from running -he sure didn’t have the stamina from when he was in his early twenties- mixed with the crippling anxiety in his gut.
“Yuta…”
His husband wasn’t facing him, but his body stiffened upon the call of his name. Instead, he looked over at the ceiling and grimaced.
“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that you put cameras in here.”
It was silent for a while. Mark was waiting for Yuta to say something and at the same time thinking about something he could say. Which was hard since his heart was pounding so loudly in his chest that his brain barely functioned.
He settled for a simple, “You shouldn’t be here.”
“This room shouldn’t be here in the first place,” Yuta bit back. “I don’t even know what I’m supposed to think or say. What the fuck is this place?”
Mark started to nervously pull on the hem of his sleeves, an old habit of his. In the meantime, Yuta continued talking after letting out a chuckle that sounded anything but amused.
“I mean, I didn’t take you for the fanboy type, Mark.” The way he said his name made Mark wince.
For the first time, Yuta looked into his eyes.
“Because that’s what this is, right? Now you’re gonna tell me that you have a weird obsession with Spiderman because the alternative is… something quite unbelievable.”
The hesitation in Yuta’s expression was so unlike him and Mark felt a dread pool in his stomach. His husband stood up.
“Yuta I- “
“Because you can’t be him.” He shook his head, expression desperate as he repeated softer. “You can’t be.”
And then the words that hit Mark the most.
“Because then I would know, right?”
That right there was the question that haunted Mark’s dreams. Yes, he felt the obligation to tell Yuta everything about him. He was his husband, after all. Not only that but also his unconditional support, his everything.
That was the problem.
Mark knew he was Yuta’s everything too. He knew that once he told Yuta about who he really was and what he used to do for a living, his husband would do things. Dumb things. To help him.
It’s true what his mentor Jongin used to say to him: Once you bring your loved ones into your world, you put them in danger.
In this case, ignorance really was bliss.
That was the advice Mark had held onto all this time. And it worked because he had also experienced the alternative. There was nothing worse than that.
He wanted to protect Yuta at all costs even if that included shielding him from himself.
“Of course I would tell you,” Mark improvised, voice wavering since lying was not his forte. “It’s not what it looks like. I can explain, but let’s go upstairs first okay, love?”
Yuta’s disappointment was written all over his face.
“So you really choose to lie to me? Honestly… Do you think I’m a fucking idiot? Do you really think I didn’t put everything together already? Every time you had to work overtime coincides with times the city was in trouble, even when you shouldn’t have known it was in trouble as a mere agent. Yes, I want you to explain. Explain to me why I didn’t know.”
Mark stumbled over his next words, cheeks red from the embarrassment of being caught lying - there was nothing left of captain Lee-Nakamoto.
“I know you’re not stupid. I just- How could I tell you when I knew I would put you in danger?”
“Bullshit,” Yuta simply replied as if it was that simple.
“If we were just dating I understand, but I’ve been your goddamn husband for over four years! And we’ve known each other for much much longer than that. We promised each other something that day. To be honest, always.”
Mark sensed that Yuta wasn’t done speaking.
“What if you died on me during one of your missions?” Yuta was talking with more emotion now, more anger. “I would’ve thought you died because of what? a car accident? I would have to bury you without knowing who you really were. I mean, would I even have been able to bury you? I would’ve never known about your heroic activities. Do you realize you could have actually died every day? Do you know how much that thought hunts me?”
“I know, I know,” Mark answered with desperation. The valid questions hit him. His hands clenched into fists. “But you wouldn’t have been able to live a happy or normal life knowing that.”
“And who are you to decide that? When I married you I chose you, for better or worse. Do you trust me so little?”
“Of course not, but I know you would’ve wanted to protect me too. I could never live with myself if something happened to you because of me. Please understand. If my enemies knew about you I would have almost surely lost you.” At this point Mark was almost begging, hoping his husband would realize he had all done this in his best interest.
It didn’t seem to work.
Yuta threw up his hands. “But that’s what you did. Put yourself in my position. Do you think I could live with you getting hurt because you were protecting the city and thus me? Of course, I would do anything to keep you safe as well.”
Mark shook his head. “That’s different and you know it.”
“How is it different? Because you’re Spiderman?”
“Yes, because I’m Spiderman!”
It was the first time he had said it out loud. Comics and books made it seem like the truth would make him feel relieved, like a weight lifted off his shoulders. Yet for Mark, it did nothing of the sort. It made him more anxious instead, knowing that Yuta shouldn’t and couldn’t know, even though he wasn’t an active superhero anymore. He still had enemies lurking in the dark ready to hit him where it hurt most.
Yuta just shook his head.
“I can’t believe you’re justifying the fact that you didn’t tell me while we’ve been together for so long. I don’t know if I can…”
Those last words made white noise rush to Mark’s ears. What was he saying?
“If you can what?” He asked while holding his breath.
At that moment Yuta looked so hurt that Mark felt his throat close up.
“Can trust you again.”
It felt like the walls were closing in on him while his suit and every little gadget in the room mocked him for thinking he could ever be happy.
"Don't say that please," Mark whispered. "Let's not have this conversation in this stuffed room. Please let's talk about this upstairs."
"Right." It shocked Mark how it seemed like Yuta wasn't impressed by his show of emotions. This didn't feel like his Yuta.
"I figured you wanted to leave this room before I would find out more. The truth is, you still haven't been honest with me, have you?"
Mark was left utterly confused. "What do you mean?"
Yuta walked up to the closet with Mark’s suit and to the other's horror he reached for a gun-like object lying in one of the white cubes.
A mindwipe device.
A shiver ran down Mark’s spine.
“Yuta that thing is very dangerous! Give it to me right now!” Mark was about to go frantic. One wrong button and the damage could be irreversible. He had had enough experience with that.
He took a step forward, almost expecting Yuta to give it to him without resistance. Almost. Because Yuta took a step back, his expression was colder than Mark had ever witnessed.
“For some reason, I felt the need to inspect this… tool.” Yuta started. There was so much insecurity lingering beneath it. “It was as if it pulled me in. It didn’t take long for it to click. For me to know what this was.”
“Yuta-” Mark tried but his husband ignored him.
"Remember when I came to you last week and voiced my concerns over not being able to remember things? How you dismissed it? It all makes sense to me now."
Mark tried to ignore the impact the words had on his stomach and pleaded in a whisper.
"Please give it to me, Yuta."
“How many times?”
The question was simple yet Yuta's eyes bored into his, hard, intense, and sent Mark’s mind reeling. No words came out of his mouth as he stood there, feeling all kinds of small. He didn't want to answer
“I don’t know what you mean,” he eventually tried weakly.
“Stop. lying. to. me! How many times?!”
Yuta had rarely raised his voice at him like this. Sure they’ve had their fair share of arguments but they managed to get to this point without endless yelling, without any form of violence. A healthy relationship as many would say. They communicated and always managed to talk out their differences. Actually, others often praised them for their maturity in their relationship.
Now Yuta was so visibly filled with anger. So visibly upset.
And Mark had brought him to this point.
No amount of shame could compare to the feeling he was experiencing now. Yuta found out everything. He had underestimated his husband’s curiosity and cunningness again.
Mark knew they couldn’t just simply talk this out anymore: it had gone beyond a fight.
He owed him at least some honesty now.
“Eleven,” Mark breathed out, barely above a whisper. He wasn’t able to face his husband as guilt and sadness filled his entire being.
Maybe their relationship hadn't been healthy for a long time.
“Wha- what did you say?“
With eyes closed tightly, Mark repeated himself. “I wiped your mind eleven times. You always find this stupid fucking room and I-”
Mark’s eyes shot open at the sound of an object loudly hitting the floor.
Betrayal. That was what he saw. Yuta was staring at him, eyes getting watery, hands trembling with rage.
“Who gave you the right?” Yuta bristled. He was so overwhelmed with emotion that he didn’t know what to say. “You messed with my head. What the fuck." There were a few tears that fell down to the floor. "I forgot when and where we got married and I was feeling so guilty and angry at myself and you just- What the fuck…"
Yuta kept muttering curses in different languages, obviously shocked and panicking. Mark barely held himself together, watching his husband have a breakdown because of him.
“I need to leave,” Yuta concluded after what was a minute but seemed like ages as he dragged a hand over his face to wipe away the angry tears.
The statement was like a slap in the face. Mark felt like his body got hit by a truck as Yuta started to move towards the stairs.
Desperately he reached out.
“Yuta, please. Baby, let me explain I- Just don’t go,” Mark pleaded.
“What? So you can wipe my mind again?” Yuta bit back, avoiding the arm that was trying to stop him. “No, I need to think and I obviously can’t do that here. I don't want to see your face right now.”
Mark felt his resolve break. Bile crept up his throat and he felt his eyes burn as he stared at the ground. He had fucked up.
Again.
“I can’t let you leave.”
Mark couldn’t see it but an incredulous look was sent his way. He only saw the shadow of the other’s figure on the stairs. “I don’t recognize you anymore,” Yuta said solemnly, emotion clear in his wavering voice. “You are crazy if you think you can keep me here. I’m leaving and I don’t know when I will be back.”
With those words, Yuta walked away.
Mark pulled his hair with his hands. His Yuta, with his incomparable love for him… Even before the past times he had wiped Yuta’s mind, he hadn’t been as final in his words as now. It showed that with each discovery, after each mindwipe, his husband got less accepting of his secret past.
Yuta didn’t understand and Mark had to accept that he couldn’t understand. Of course, he was hurt and angry. Mark knew that was all his fault.
Yet…
There had been a point in his life when he wanted to give up. Everything was becoming too much after a particular save the world moment, where he lost so much. Yuta and he were only dating back then for a few months. Of course, Yuta found out about who he really was and wanted to leave him.
Yuta had been the only positive thing in his life at that moment.
Mark had thus made a choice back then. One he couldn’t take back. For once in his life, he had chosen for his own happiness, instead of doing the right thing. Yuta was good for him and Mark Lee -without his secret past- was good for Yuta.
And so he wiped his mind.
Mark felt tears staining his cheeks as he stumbled over to the wall next to the open closet with his suit and gadgets. There was a panel and he opened the lid of it with trembling hands. A few buttons lay bare and Mark pressed his eyes together, feeling lost and guilty.
“I’m sorry, Yuta. I’m so sorry.”
He made up his mind. What other choice did he have?
He pressed the red button and immediately he heard gears shifting inside the walls.
Mark took a look at his spiderman suit and his heavy feet carried him towards it. Looking at it used to fill him with pride - a reminder of all the good he was doing.
Now, all it caused was a deep-rooted uneasiness.
“You did this to me.”
in a swift motion, he reached towards the one red glove that was not attached to the suit. Expertly he put it on, letting the latex slap back against his skin. The familiarity of it made him nauseous. Then he pressed the blue power switch on his wrist and his eyes lit up for a second, indicating that the glove had recognized its owner.
He eyed the stairs and wished there was a button to turn off his emotions.
⚜
It couldn’t be more than ten minutes until he saw Yuta again.
Although, Mark felt like he was watching it happen from a third person’s view. As if it wasn’t really him who saw Yuta frantically trying to open the door of their apartment with his keys and pulling the doorknob in vain.
As if he didn’t tell him:
“It won’t open.” with a steady voice and see Yuta whip around and eye him with disbelief
Yuta’s deep brown, penetrating eyes brought him back to his own body.
In a different universe, Yuta would tell him how he loved seeing him in his Spiderman suit, wrap his arms around him, and kiss him senseless.
Reality had Yuta staring at him and the weapon in his hand in something akin to… fear.
“What did you do? Why can't I open it?"
"I put the apartment on lockdown."
"Then open it! Now!” Yuta bit back angrily. He stepped forward, threateningly. “I’m not repeating myself, Mark. I don’t know how the fuck you did this but you need to open it right now.”
Mark wanted to say so many things to him at that moment.
Only an “I can’t.” came out.
It was like Yuta didn’t believe him. Mark could see in his expression that he didn’t understand why this was happening.
"I don't understand why you're doing this," Yuta spoke, trying to keep his face from betraying how hurt he actually was.
For a moment Yuta didn't know what to do. After all, he had never seen the husband he usually loved with a passion Romeo would be jealous of, in this light.
Eventually, Yuta fished his phone from his pocket and started to type away furiously.
Mark’s gut churned.
He couldn’t know.
Nobody could know.
This was for the best.
Then he aimed his right arm at Yuta’s hand, palm up to the ceiling, middle and ring finger pulled towards his wrist and fired.
A white string slapped the phone right from Yuta’s grasp and crashed against the wall where it got stuck, the message he was typing earlier still unsent.
Yuta almost jumped backward, a yelp escaping his mouth while holding his hand against his chest. He looked at his phone in shock and then back to Mark.
There was an eerie silence after that, where the married couple held each other’s eyes, estimating their next move.
“Baby,” Yuta eventually pleaded with him, eyes barely holding back the tears as he used the familiar pet name. “You need help. Serious help. I know this isn't you”
Mark shook his head. Only now he noticed that his own body was shaking. His throat felt so dry and tight that it made him want to throw up.
I just need you.
“Please understand that I am just trying to protect you,” Mark pleaded back with a hoarse voice. He started to walk forward, tentatively. “If I let you go, you’ll be in danger.”
But with each step forward Yuta took one back, still trying to turn the knob of the sealed door when his back was again plastered against the wall.
It only now dawned on him that Yuta was scared.
This had never happened before.
In all the previous eleven times, something had gone awry but it was never like this. Yuta had never been scared of him. Angry, disappointed, sure. Yuta wasn’t the type to get scared. Especially not of him. He was Yuta’s muse, his strength, his never-ending support.
Mark wondered just how much damage the continual mind wiping had caused. Had he lost a piece of Yuta already?
“Mark, you’re aiming your arm at me, but I’m in danger when I’m outside?”
Since when had he-
It was then that Mark noticed he had his arm up again, this time pointed at Yuta’s chest. His arm was trembling, and he could barely make out Yuta’s form through his glassy eyes. He kept staring at his hand he had used against so many villains, which he was now pointing at the love of his life.
It seemed like Yuta got a lot braver then because he stepped forward, right into his personal space, and cupped his cheeks with his delicate, sweaty hands.
“You’re hurting. I see that now.” Yuta said, tremor clear in his voice. “I know you love me. But we need space and time.” He shot a look at the mind wipe weapon attached to his belt. “You can’t solve it with a press of a button. Not anymore. Let the truth set you free this time. I know you don't want to hurt me.”
The last statement sounded like he was trying to convince both of them of its truth.
For a moment Mark leaned into the touch as tears fell from his eyes over Yuta’s fingers.
He had done so much to keep them together all this time. He couldn’t imagine a world without Yuta by his side when they ate together. Without Yuta keeping him warm as they slept. Without Yuta sleepily pecking him on the lips when he left for work early.
Mark had given up such a big part of his life.
He couldn’t do that with Yuta.
He now had to stay strong for himself and for their future.
His tears stopped falling and he opened his eyes, looking right into Yuta’s hopeful ones. Then he stepped back from Yuta’s comforting hold.
“I’m sorry.”
He meant it.
He still lifted his arm and shot a web right at Yuta’s chest.
The blast forced Yuta back against the wall with a loud thud, seizing the air from his lungs. He found himself unable to move after the initial shock, his whole body glued to the wall by Mark’s web. Only his face was uncovered.
Mark wiped his hand over his face, through his hair, over his suit. He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t really believe what he had done either.
He continuously chanted to himself that it would be alright soon. That this Yuta and Mark would soon belong to the past.
Yuta was crying now. Sobbing. Trying to break free. And all Mark could do was watch, convincing himself that this was the right choice.
"You can't do this!" Yuta yelled with puffy eyes. "After everything, how can you do this to me? Have you ever even loved me? I told you fucking everything about me and my past. I trusted you with my life!"
Mark didn't know he was crying until he heard his own voice.
"I know you don’t get it but I am doing this because I love you!"
Yuta pressed his lips together and shook his head.
"You can't believe that."
He took a stuttering breath before he spoke again.
“Be honest with me.” More tears. “Was our life together only a pretty cover-up for your secret identity? Was I just… a distraction? A second, less important life?” Yuta could barely get the words past his lips as if they were stuck inside his throat like his body was against the wall.
“Was there someone el-”
“Don’t finish that!” Mark finally said emotionally. “You’re all wrong. How could you think that? I- You have always been the love of my life.” he was gesturing wildly.
“Because I can’t trust you anymore! I don't know who the real you is.” Yuta tried once more to get the webs loose, but it was a futile attempt. He let his head hang then, giving up. Giving in as stubborn tears again pricked his eyes.
“What are you going to do to me now?”
The question was so simple, yet Mark felt like it turned his whole life upside down.
His mind brought him back to the past. Seven years ago he had fought Black Widow, a villain with an appearance just like his but in a black suit. He had impersonated him and made the city residents believe that it was actually him who had turned into a madman and wreaked havoc into the city.
Mark had then been kidnapped by him. He remembered clearly when he was glued against the wall by black strings, powerless and scared. It wasn’t the first time he had been afraid to die, but he was scared by Black Widow’s unpredictability and emotional instability.
Back then he had asked the same question Yuta was asking him now.
He had turned from a friendly spidey next door to a black widow.
This wasn't him. This wasn't the person he wanted to be or how he wanted Yuta to know him.
He brought his right hand to the mindwipe device on his belt.
He had come to terms with the fact that there was only one valid option. It was the only way to better himself, to protect Yuta and their marriage.
He had an out-of-body experience when he finally stepped forward, towards Yuta.
"No! Get that thing away from me."
Mark took the device out of its holster and started altering the settings.
He didn't even hear Yuta's pleads anymore. There was no point in it anyway since it would be over soon.
As soon as he finished, he held the gun in his hand, weighing it.
The moment he faced Yuta, he brought it up and held the mindwipe device against Yuta’s forehead.
There was so much contempt in his eyes. So much that Mark almost dropped the gun.
But it would be over soon.
"I will never forgive you for this," Yuta hissed through his tears. "I will find out again and leave without a trace. There's nothing you can do to stop it from happening."
Mark didn't even notice a sob escaping his throat. It felt more like a laugh.
This wasn't real. Not for long anymore.
"Please don't, Mark. Please!" Yuta tried desperately one last time.
He would get his Yuta back.
"I love you." Mark mouthed.
He closed his eyes.
Then he pulled the trigger.
⚜
After half an hour of a panic attack Mark was on his knees, the head of a still unconscious Yuta -whose body was still sticky from the webs Mark tried to remove- on his lap.
He carded through his husband's hair as he dialed a number.
"Johnny? Hi. No yeah, I'm fine." He sniffed and cleared his throat. "Really. uh… I need a favor. I need you to pick something up at my place. And quickly. Don't tell anyone where you're going."
⚜
Yuta stirred on the couch with a furrow between his brows and a noise of distress in his throat. Suddenly his eyes opened in shock, body almost bolting upright. The room was dark and he was about to grab his phone when his gaze settled on a figure sitting on the arm of the couch. Mark.
He tried to flatten his hair and straightened the glasses that lay askew on his face.
“Oh baby, you’re home! Sorry, I guess I fell asleep,” he said with a bashful, fond smile.
Mark could barely look at him. He felt his eyes sting at the use of the pet name, at the sound of his voice when they were simply husbands without unveiled secrets.
He shook his head and plastered a smile on his face as he took a seat next to Yuta.
“It’s okay. You probably needed the sleep.”
Suddenly Yuta’s expression turned worried. softly the older reached out and caressed Mark’s cheek.
“Is everything alright?”
It was such a genuine question, so pure-hearted, so unknowing of what transpired hours ago that Mark stood up abruptly out of Yuta’s reach. All he could see was the contempt in his eyes when he shot him.
“Mark?” Yuta reached out hesitantly. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”
He nodded quickly, willing away the pain in his chest. “Of course. It’s just some work-related stuff.” He waved his hands dismissively. “I’ll go take a quick shower and then we can cook something alright?”
Without waiting for an answer Mark almost bolted away. After locking the bathroom door behind him he heaved, eyes brimming with tears.
“It’ll get better. It’ll get better. It’ll get better,”
Their relationship had stopped being healthy a long, long time ago.
Still seated on the couch, Yuta tried to dismiss the tightness in his chest at the clear rejection. He closed his other hand around the fist with his wedding ring, almost praying to gods he didn’t believe in that this wasn’t a sign of the steep cliff haunting him in his dreams.