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Although Barnes was a pain in his ass most of the time when Sam saw him lying on the couch with his eyes closed and mouth slightly parted with sleep he couldn’t help but think that he was kind of... cute? Sam paused with his coffee cup half way to his lips did he really just think about bucky being cute?
He didn’t have long to ponder that thought as his nephews came running into the living room asking about pancakes for breakfast. Sam chuckled fondly and started pulling out ingredients for his grandmama’s pancake recipe. All the commotion in the kitchen woke bucky who came stumbling in rumpled and bleary eyed, “It’s to noisy for me to not have had coffee yet.”
Sam laughs and says,”then get up earlier tin man. Wants some pancakes?”
Bucky halfheartedly glares at Sam over the rim of his mug, “It’s vibranium not ‘tin’. Do you got any chocolate chips?”
Ever since Bucky escaped HYDRA he has had the biggest sweet tooth. He guess it’s because they never let him have sweets. Just whatever was necessary for survival and no more. “Yet another fucked thing HYDRA did to me”, Bucky thinks.
“Uhhh yeah I think so. Boys go and see if we have any in the cupboard.” Sam watches as Bucky goes to sit on a kitchen stool, straddles it with his gorgeous thighs, leans his elbows on the counter accentuating his arms, flesh and metal, and pecs.
Bucky glances over and catches Sam staring at him, “Soooo you’re doing the staring now too? Ya know both of us can’t do staring. It’s my thing”
Sam darts his eyes away, “Just wanted to make sure grandpa didn’t break a hip trying to sit on a stool” he snarked back. His thoughts however were a different story, “Jesus Wilson pull your shit together. He’s your friend. And he most certainly does not need your baggage on top of his own!”
When Sam met Steve he felt like he had finally found some to connect with after losing Riley. Some nights when they were both up late working on finding Bucky he thought they might turn into more, but each time Steve leaned in for a kiss he backed out at the last second and then decided it was time for them to go to bed. So Sam had plenty of experience with hiding emotions and pushing them down until they were no longer present.
By the time Sam had mixed up pancake batter and found chocolate chips Bucky was on his third cup of coffee and starting to feel better. He sighed a little bit and put his chin in his left hand to watch Sam make breakfast. It reminded him of watching Steve, all 70 pounds of him, cooking breakfast in their shitty apartment in Brooklyn. But there Bucky could go up behind the cook and wrap his arms around his waist and rest his chin on the top of his head. Steve would huff a little about how breakfast was going to burn but Steve could always be persuaded to turn the stove off and go back to bed. Just took a couple of kisses to the neck and few rumbled words and he was turning around to jump up into Bucky’s arms.
“Hey what’s going on in that head of yours? You got a really sad look on your face” Sam asked as he was flipping a chocolate chip pancake onto a stack and bring them over to Bucky.
“Nothin’ just.. a memory from before.. they are most of them nice to remember but it’s always a little bit bittersweet too. Especially the ones with Stevie”, Bucky sighed and started dumping syrup all over his pancakes. “It’s not a big deal. They just come back at bad times sometimes.”
“You can talk about it if you want. Before I started avenging I was a PTSD counselor. And my ears are always open for you” having already given stacks of pancakes to his two nephews, who had run off to play video games before their mom wakes up, Sam comes over with his own plate and sits next to Bucky. “I know he loved you. Even if he wasn’t allowed to show it at the time.”
“If he loved me then why’d he leave me? I was getting better and I was doing it for him to be his Bucky again, but I guess he knew that Bucky was never coming back. And if he was never coming back then Steve didn’t have to come back. Why didn’t he come back Sam? I know I’m broken but I’m trying to fix myself I’m trying!” By the end Bucky had tears streaming down his face and his voice was quavering and cracking.
“No no no hey look at me”, Sam reached out and gently grasped Bucky’s chin and turn his head toward him, “You listen to James Barnes. You are not broken. You are not the problem. Dickhead Steve Rogers is the problem. He left because he was not strong enough to separate ‘his’ Bucky from the wonderful, amazing Bucky that is here in front of me. And that is his loss man not yours. You are trying so so hard and I am so proud of you for that. I know he loved you but he didn’t know how to grow that love to include this new Bucky that is right here with me and doing his absolute best. He was weak and couldn’t do it and that’s why he left. It had nothing to do with you.”
Bucky looked stunned for a moment and then let out a noise Sam could only describe as a whimper and then suddenly had a lap full of super soldier. Bucky wrapped his legs tightly around Sam’s waist and buried his face in Sam’s neck. He was crying silently except for the occasional sniffle and hitched breath. Sam let him stay there and rubbed his back up and down for what could have been twenty minutes or two hours. Time seemed to slip away and have no meaning. It felt so right to Sam to be holding Bucky in such a way. It was the same way he held Riley when he would wake up shouting from nightmares. Sam just whispered softly in Bucky’s ear about how proud he is of how hard Bucky is working and how he’s not broken and how he’s here and will always be here.
Bucky eventually calmed down and sat back a little bit looking at Sam. His eyes puffy and swollen from crying. “Sorry... I.. I’m sorry”
Bucky goes to climb off Sam’s lap but Sam tightens his arms slightly, “Are you getting down because you want to or because you think you have to?”
“I don’t want to be annoying to you Sam just let me go”
“I’ll let you go if you really want but what I really want is to go over and continue this on the couch.” In reality Sam’s legs had fallen asleep about five minutes ago and his back was killing him. A kitchen stool and a lap full of 200 pound super soldier is not a good combination.
Bucky looks at Sam for a minute and then nods his head miserably and buried his head back in Sam’s neck. Bucky liked it there. Sam smelled nice like sandalwood and spices. Slightly citrusy and like the body wash he uses. But most importantly it was the safest Bucky has felt since Wakanda. He was in Sam Wilson’s arms. Nothing and no one was going to touch him.
Sam chuckles and pats Bucky’s back, “Alright pal we gotta move to the couch then.” Bucky pulls himself up and awkwardly stands there in front of Sam looking sheepish. Sam gets up and wraps an arm around Bucky’s shoulders leading him over to the couch. “Come here baby boy I gotcha.”
Bucky startled a bit at the nickname and then blushed and ducked back into Sam’s neck, “older than you” he mumbled and then got comfy in Sam’s lap again.
Sam chuckled and started running a hand through Bucky’s hair, “Do you not want me to call you baby boy?” he asked gently.
Bucky squirmed a little and shook his head no, “kinda like it.. how come I kinda like it?”
“Why do you think you like it?” Sam asked as he shifted a little to get them both more comfortable.
Bucky reached up with his right hand and started fiddling with the neckline of Sam’s T-shirt, “Makes me feel.. safe. Like you’ll take care of me? Makes feel umm good, fluttery on the inside.” Bucky mumbled from his hiding spot in Sam’s neck.
While Bucky was talking Sarah walked in and Sam put a finger up to his lips. Sarah, who knew all along that Sam actually liked Bucky despite his snarkiness toward the other, gave Sam a big smile and a thumbs up before going outside to work on the boat.
Sam smiled a little and turned his head back down to look at Bucky curled up sweetly in his arms. “That’s right Buck I’ll always take care of you. Always. All you gotta do is ask.”
“Promise?” Bucky peeks out at Sam with the most heartbreaking look on his face.
“Oh baby boy I promise,” Sam reaches over for the blanket Bucky had used before and wrapped it around them both and then started rocking back and forth keeping Bucky close and safe.
Neither one of them thought that this is how the morning would turn out when they woke up, but neither would change a thing about it.
Fin.