Chapter Text
“I’m not going to be able to visit today,” Sara said, biting her lower lip as dread continued to build within her.
“Oh?” said Edward. “Are you feeling unwell? I could come see you, maybe prepare you a meal of your choice?”
“Uh, well, um….”
Better get this over with, she thought, her heart and soul both sinking further into despair. It’s already bad enough to do it over the phone...or to do it at all.
“I think it’s better if we go back to being friends,” she said, feeling her eyes water and a tightening sensation in her throat. “I, uh...I don’t think a relationship is...a good idea right now. Not for me.”
There was silence, and for a moment, Sara thought (with some relief believe it or not) that maybe the call had dropped and Edward didn’t hear her say those heart-wrenching words.
“Oh….kay?” Edward finally said, sounding hesitant, or maybe just stunned.
“I, umm…” Sara cleared her throat before wiping her nose on her shirt sleeve. “I, uh...I don’t think it’s the right time for me. I...need to think things over and...I need some space, and...and we can still be friends! I’m not--I’m not abandoning you, Eddie!”
More silence.
“So, just...give me a little time,” Sara said, barely able to keep her voice steady as tears started rolling down her cheeks. “And...and we can go back to how things were, as friends -- good friends.”
“Um, I...I…if...” Edward said, struggling to say or think anything in that moment. “I, umm...if...if that’s...what you wish?”
“Ok, that’s...that’s good. I’m...glad you understand.”
Silence.
“Well, I….must be going now,” Sara said, letting out a little laugh, a nervous and pitiful one, her terrible attempt at trying to lighten the mood. “Got...got a lot to do...and, um...yeah. I’ll be in touch, Eddie. Bye for now, ok?”
“Yes, for now,” Edward replied, despondent.
Sara hung up, letting out a breath before she started sobbing. It had to be done, she told herself, it had to be done to spare her -- to spare them both -- future heartache. Being friends was so much easier because you didn’t give your heart to that person, and giving your heart away to someone put it at high risk for being broken -- torn to shreds . She couldn’t go through another heartbreak, not with Edward. It would kill her to be tossed aside by him, left behind for something -- someone -- better.
There was always someone better than her, there were always much more appealing “options” out there. Choosing her meant scraping the bottom of the barrel, something she had learned the hard way after having her heart shattered time and time again. It was always about her not being good enough for a whole bunch of reasons. Whatever excitement any man may have felt at the start of the relationship would fade out over a short period of time as they realized they did not want to settle with the likes of her -- her with all her baggage. Even if it wasn’t always stated out loud, it was obvious that she was a turn-off to many men (be it boyfriends or crushes or just men in general) by simply observing their body language, how they’d avoid being close to her.
Edward may have been shell shocked now, but Sara knew he’d overcome it. He’d see how stressful it would have been to have her as his girlfriend, see how he was obviously settling because he was lonely. Being friends kept her safe from experiencing her heart breaking in his grasp as his interest in her dwindled day by day by day by day...until he turned her away as a lover in favor of someone else -- or just turned her away because he’d grown tired of dealing with her.
Still, it hurt having to do this. Yes, it was meant to protect herself and Edward emotionally and mentally, but that didn’t mean she was at ease with it. The truth was that she loved Edward, more than she’d loved anyone else, and she had gotten swept up in those feelings (like so many times before). That caused her to accept being his girlfriend without a second thought….then she soon realized her mistake and how fragile her heart was. She couldn’t let it be abused anymore, not again, not with Edward. If that were to happen...she wasn’t sure she’d be able to piece her heart back together again.
So, Sara had to break things off as early into the relationship as possible. They’d both need time to recover, but she hoped that Edward would still want her friendship at the end of it all, and they could pretend like nothing happened and they had always been just friends. If he felt too insecure or even just too angry to want her back in his life, though, she wouldn’t blame him. What she had done was cowardly, choosing to call him to break up with him (as gently as possible) instead of meeting with him face to face. But if she had looked him in the eye, she would have broken down crying before she could even get a word out.
Curling up on the couch with her plush rabbit, Sara continued to weep, telling herself that this heartache was still much more tolerable than if Edward broke up with her, leaving her forgotten and alone, choosing to pursue someone else better suited to him -- or just choosing to pursue other things in life that were more fulfilling to him.
Edward on the other hand, may not have been crying (yet), but he was, at first dazed by what Sara had said. Then he was sad. Then he was dumbfounded all over again. It felt surreal, like a terrible dream that he wished he could awaken from.
What had just happened?!
Edward had been too caught off guard by Sara’s words to even form a proper response. All he could do was sit there, his mind reeling as he felt like he’d just had his world thrown upside down. No warning, just…
Why had Sara done that? Why had she requested they go back to platonic relations after how elated she (and he) had been to become a couple? She seemed happy -- he was happy. Had it all been a lie?
No, no, that couldn’t be right, Edward thought. Sara wouldn’t toy with him like that. It had to be something else...something that bothered her about their romance and made her shrink back like a frightened animal. He went over everything in his head:
Had he said or done something to cause her grief? But, he was so careful with his words around her, and had been for a long time. He couldn’t recall making her cry, at least not recently.
Did she think he wouldn’t take care of her, protect her? Of course he would! If he had to put his life on the line for her sake, then he’d do it. To him, she was the only one “worthy” of such a courtesy from him since no one else cared for him (and he didn’t care for them, either). Edward thought he’d made that clear, but perhaps not? But, he had told her he’d take care of her, so, that couldn’t be the reason for her decision. Right?
Perhaps it was something related to intimacy? As embarrassing as it was for him to admit, he wasn’t very skilled in that department, even though he was doing his best and continuing to improve. He thought he gave her what she wanted but maybe he’d failed to do so somehow? Maybe he’d proven to be a disappointing lover and Sara simply didn’t have the heart to tell him? He also wondered if it was related to his…. “size.” That would also be something Sara wouldn’t want to tell him for fear of humiliating him.
No, no, it...couldn’t be anything sexual, he told himself. Sara would have found a delicate way to talk to him about any issues she had regarding their “bedroom” activities and whether or not he was the sufficient “size” for her needs. The sex always seemed good, too. Really good. Ridiculously good. Unless she had been putting on an act this entire time, which meant she was doing one hell of a job because he never suspected anything. Considering how poorly she hid her emotions, though, he concluded that, if she had been faking her enjoyment, she would have given it away in one way or another.
And he honestly couldn’t find any “flaw” in her reactions to being pleasured by him.
Edward continued to ponder any and all possible explanations for Sara’s strange decision only to find himself going in circles and reaching dead ends. During this time, which was several days of him barely eating, sleeping or bathing due to his stress over the situation, he did recall the last time he upset her significantly. Unbeknownst to either of them, it proved to be more of a benefit than a hindrance to their relationship in the end.
It was also the first time he’d felt guilty enough to sincerely apologize to someone.