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Pizza rolls are a frozen food product consisting of bite-size breaded pizza pockets with an interior of diced pepperoni, tomato sauce, and melted cheese.
Lysithea learned of the fated food one afternoon in a student’s notes. Hubert’s notes, to be specific. She wondered if he had noticed by now or if he was still too busy simping for that imperious colonizer. He was probably too busy simping, she decided. It’s not like he’d use the notes for anything as important as what Lysithea was about to do anyway.
Things really were getting crazy and stupid. As she held the yellow and purple bag of delectable snacks in her hands, she thought about everything leading up to this very moment.
Everything began yesterday, when bitch boy Lorenz approached her in the halls.
“Good day, Lysithea, might I bend your ear for a moment? I do think it is important business,” he had said.
“You already stopped me, so you might as well tell me what you have to say.” Lysithea couldn’t deny she was curious even though whatever Lorenz had to say would most likely be cap.
Lorenz adjusted the rose on his jacket and smoothed out his hair. What a loser. While he was known for the ‘Bob, it was not a compliment.
“I believe you might want to adjust your usual hostile attitude and become a proper lady. One of these days, you’ll surely upset a fine noble man that you may have interest in. And for the record--”
Lorenz had to cut himself off to let out a shrill cry. He had been kicked in his noble goods so hard that tears slipped out from the corners of his eyes. (But he was not crying, he insists.)
Lysithea was bounding down the halls in a rage similar to the kind COD players experience while online gaming. She found herself in front of the black eagle’s classroom and whaddya know, Edgelgard was approaching her.
“Hello Lysithea. Do you think you could help us clean the classroom? Several students left early today so we’re short on people.” Edelgard smiled at her warmly. That cunning bitch.
But Lysithea supposed she could do something to calm her nerves while she plotted revenge against Lorenz for his unwanted criticism. So in the end, she agreed and began to help the students of the black eagle clean their disgusting pigsty of a classroom.
As she was engrossed in her task of washing the graffiti off the desks, something caught her eye. A piece of paper, in fact. It was sticking out from under some books and by the emo looking appearance of them, she concluded that these were Hubert’s notes.
Lysithea looked to her right, to her left and repeated the process once to double check. Confirming the coast was clear, she carefully pulled out the paper from the stack so she could get a closer look at what she had discovered.
The top of the old ratty paper read “Totino’s Pizza Rolls” in very bold ink. Below it was a description of what they were (as described in the first sentence. We don’t need to go over this again, people). And below that was a poorly drawn illustration of what these legendary pizza rolls looked like. Next to the drawing was a list of ingredients that made no fuckin’ sense to Lysithea so she just skipped over that part and to the more interesting part: the warnings. The biggest warning by far was the “Caution: Filling will be very HOT! Wait until cool enough to eat.”
Lysithea would not be waiting until cool enough to eat when she served these bad boys to Lorenz.
Swiftly, she pocketed the paper on pizza rolls and continued her task. She was able to leave early since she wasn’t an actual member of the house.
It was late into the night when Lysithea finally perfected the summoning ritual. She would summon the pizza rolls of her choice tomorrow as to not let them thaw out too soon. She’d figure out what to do with the extra pizza rolls she summoned as a test later. For now, she tucked the paper under her pillow and laid down for the best night of slumber she had ever experienced in her short life. Oh how sweet revenge can taste.
And that was everything that led up to this moment. The moment where Lorenz would meet his savory, cheesy doom.
Lysithea snuck into the kitchen early today so she could cook the pizza rolls in peace without anyone asking questions or Hubert potentially finding her. After the tasty snack was prepared, she set off to the boys’ rooms.
Lorenz was just waking up when he heard a knock on his door. Who could that be? He really didn’t know. He got out of bed, sliding into his slippers. He didn’t bother changing out of his silk pajamas, sharing similar qualities to the ones made by Versace.
“Good morning- Oh,” Lorenz yawned, a bit surprised by this visit. “I didn’t expect to see you here, Lysithea.”
“Well don’t expect it ever again. I prepared this snack for you. As an apology for kicking you yesterday.”
A bowl of about 120 tiny, delectable treats was shoved in his face. The smell was unlike any other. Lorenz found himself immediately interested. He picked up one before dropping it. They were hot.
“Careful, it’s a little hot.” Lysithea provided a warning a bit too late.
“Lysithea. What are these amazing small morsels you’ve brought to me?” Lorenz went to grab at the one he dropped again.
The prodigy was able to come up with a lie rather quickly. “They’re a new secret recipe of biscuits I’ve been working on perfecting.”
Lorenz seemed satisfied with the answer and bit into the pizza roll. Almost instantly, he spit it out and let out a panicked exhale. He was so shocked only one word left his mouth, “Hot!”
“Did you not listen to a word I said, Lorenz?” Lysithea forced her tone to be playful. At least Lorenz would think she wasn’t serious. But she was serious. This wasn’t a game, this was war.
The next bite went more smoothly. After the insides had been exposed to cold morning air, they cooled a bit. To say the flavor Lorenz tasted was delicious would be an understatement. This snack was the best thing he had ever tasted. All thanks to those fun little preservatives.
A sudden protective urge came over Lorenz and he snatched the bowl right out of Lysithea’s hands. “Thank you very much for letting me try your recipe, Lysithea. Though I’m sure you’re busy, so we’ll meet again in the classroom.”
Lysithea didn’t seem to want to stick around. Thank god. Lorenz would have these fuckers all to himself.
As soon as he closed the door and was in private with his beloved treat, Lorenz scarfed down several more. The roof of his mouth had to have been burned several times over at this point. But Lorenz did not care. He only cared about eating these pizza rolls like his life depended on it. In fact, his life did depend on it. Who knows how many they’d take if the others smelled the wonderful scent of fake cheese and pepperoni and demanded he share.
He could not let that happen at any cost.
Suddenly, Lorenz felt a change in his twink body. He didn’t know what, but it was very much not gucci.
All at once Lorenz experienced the following symptoms including but not limited to; abdominal cramps, bloating, gas, diarrhea, nausea and vomiting. Everything happened so quickly and all at the same time too, it was so overwhelming Lorenz was in absolute agony and…
Oh god.
He’s fucking dead.