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There were a couple of things Peter was not expecting to happen when James came over to diner that Friday:
One, was that he would show up all cleaned up - fresh haircut, stubble to a minimum, his preferred choice of clothes all looking especially sharp, shined boots and wearing that stupid, toe curling cologne he already used all the time anyways - and make him want to jump his bones so badly when his aunt was just behind him at the door, a couple of steps back.
Awkard.
The second one was that he would come inside all bashful and quiet and offer a tray of chocolate cake, saying something stupidly endearing like “my ma always taught me to never show up empty handed”, like he thought he was acting like an idiot, when Peter knew how much manners mattered to May and how she loved cake more than she loved him, almost.
The third one, and one of the biggest of them all was that he was not expecting May to start fangirling.
Which she did. Painfully.
It started subtly, her eyes sparkling a bit, which made him hopeful of her approval at first. Then, after some introductory talk about general topics like the weather, the news, the diner dish of choice and if it was okay, it started to go downhill super, superfast.
She tried to do her job of protective aunt looking after her innocent nephew, but after James answered her inquiries with a painfully honest:
“I know that’s all kinds of problematic, ma’am. That I’m way too old for him and he’s way too good for the likes of me, but since it happened anyway, I couldn’t let things to just go on behind your back, y’know? You’re his parental figure and you have all the right to protect and guide him and I swear that if you say a word, I’m outta his life for good, even though I really hope I don’t have to.”
After that, she spiralled down to the starstruck-land, which was mortifying to witness, especially because May was still treating him like a kid as usual, even though she was talking with his boyfriend there.
But the worst of all was that they’d start bonding over their lost loved ones.
“… He’d be so overwhelmed. Not just because of all the ‘you and Peter’ thing, which I’m sorry to say but it’s still a lot-…”
“Yeah, no-, I know it is…”
“… But also because Ben was such a History buff. He’d be asking you all sorts of stuff about the Great Depression, about the war, about Captain America…”
“Yeah, people ask a lot about Steve, when they finally recognize me and conquer their impulse to run screaming, I mean…” – he shrugged, scratching behind his ear like he did when he was feeling sheepish about something. – “It’s always a: ‘So, how was it to grow up with a legend?’ Like they thought Stevie came outta his ma’s womb carrying the shield. Like I just ever only knew the man with a plan, not the scrawny angry spitfire behind the star and spangles.”
“I'm sorry... You must miss him a lot, right? Even more so, since he was the only familiar thing on this time.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I do.” – he agreed on a scratching, chocked up voice, looking at his own knees and Peter just wanted to get away from there.
“It’s so hard, you know? Sometimes I forget, only for a second, and look around just to find out all over again that he's gone.”
“I think the weirdest part for me is how the things that annoyed me the most are the things I sometimes miss the most too. Like, he was a self-righteous bastard…”
“Yeah, I know… Like, Ben would pass and left a light on wherever he’d go. It grated to my last nerve, but now, sometimes, when I miss him the most, I’ll just turn on a lamp and get out of the room like he used to, just to be able to see it.”
“Before the war, Stevie had a bad ear, so when we watched anything on the radio, he’d crack up the damned thing to the max. It’d drive me insane. But after the serum, that got taken care of, and then I missed it. Felt awful for missing something that made his life miserable, but-.”
He didn’t get the rest of it when he stood up and left the room without saying a word.
He felt like crying, cause all that was like a nightmare.
He’d always feel guilty about the way Ben died. He could’ve been braver and not hesitated like he did, reacted faster. Maybe he could’ve avoided it all and he’d still be here, and that would always hang over his head, no matter how many people tried to say it wasn’t on him.
But he learned to deal with that loss. That guilt. So, the worst part was hearing James talk about Captain Rogers, talk about his dead lover to his aunt like that.
It was just too much.
It was all too much.
He seriously considered climbing outside de building just to get some air, but he already felt stupid and childish for leaving the room. He wasn’t sure he could deal with going back, but-…
“Hey, Pete… I’m so, so sorry…” – he heard that voice on his bedroom door, but he couldn’t turn to him and let him see how upset he really was.
It was stupid.
He was being stupid
He-…
“You aunt asked about Stevie and I didn’t even think-.”
“Am I a rebound?” – he heard himself ask and the vice around his chest got worse, making him angry with himself and everything else. – “Are you with me because I resemble Captain Rogers just enough for you to go for since the real deal is off the table?”
“Pete-…”
“I’m being serious!”
“No! Of course you’re not-. Why’d you ask that? I came here today to ask your aunt permission to date you, Pete. Why-?... D’you really think I don’t care about you?”
“I know you care! That’s not it! It’s just-… Captain Rogers is everywhere with you. You ride his bike, you keep his sketches, you’re following the list on his notebook! Don’t think I didn’t catch that. You keep asking me to call you Bucky like he did. And I just-… I can’t measure up.”
“…I don’t even know what to say. I mean-. I-...I really don’t know what to say.” – he said slowly, looking around his room with a tight, lost expression, runing his fingers through his hair nervously, before taking a deep breath to start again. – “… I ask you to call me Bucky, cause that’s what the people in my life who loved me did. I think it was my ma who came up with it. Or Becca… I dunno-. Steve was just one of those people. He was just the only who was left who was here this time around. And Steve is everywhere with me not just cause I loved him, but cause he's a huge and the most solid part of my life. He’s the thing I remember the most about the ol’ days, since my brain got all scrambled. And he was my best friend above all else. He’s my only link to my own life and I can’t just-… I can’t just erase him, I can’t forget. I don’t want to forget anything else ever again.”
And by the way he was spitting those words, Peter knew it wasn’t about him refusing to let the Captain go. It was about the ‘wipes’. It was about how they would bound him to a torture chair and make him forget who he was. That he was.
It was about never again going through the feeling of being erased.
It broke his heart, hearing it.
“But he has nothing to do with this. With us. It was an ass move, talk about him with your aunt like that when I’m here to ask permission to date you, but I can’t just not talk about the only solid thing I really remember about my life.” – he continued, so sad and confused and so damned sorry about it all. – “…I don’t want you to ‘measure up’ to anything, sugar. I want you to be you. Why would I want you to be anything else?”
“Cause I’m just a stupid, barely legal kid who practically bullied you into dating them…?”
“…Pete, you couldn’t force me to do a goddamned thing even if you tried. And you’d never do that, cause you’re good. So, you asked me then if I liked you. And I did, so I said it. And I do. So, I’m here.”
“But you keep going on about how I’m too young for you-.”
“And you are too young for an oldass displaced piece from 1917! Or better put: I’m too damn old for you. It’s not you that-, it’s just that I feel guilty. I don’t know how old I am for sure but is way older than you. I’d probably be closer to your aunt’s age, if we’re honest. People on the streets will always assume I'm either your dad or that I'm some sleazy bastard taking advantage. And it bothers me, it does. I’ll never be able to just take your hand on the streets or give you a kiss where people would see in peace. And you deserve having all that. You deserve uncomplicated and I’m the right opposite of that. So, I keep feeling like I’m robbing you the opportunities to be normal. That I’m taking your best years. And I can’t help feeling like I'm sullying you too, cause I’m not worth it. I mean, with all the shit that I did-.”
“…Not your choice, not your fault.”
“It’s still my hands. My memories.”
“And I can't imagine how awful that is. Being haunted by things you couldn’t stop, cause you had no say, in it. No agency to have something to say either.”
“Yeah, how fucked up in the head I am is not the point here anyway. My therapist already has a field day over it, so…Just… talk to me. Tell me why you asked what you did. Why you think I’m trying to use you to try and replace Steve, Pete.”
“… You said I reminded you of him. And I said I didn’t care, but I guess I lied, cause I do. I do care. I want to know you like being with me, Peter, not because I remind you of someone you loved, but because I am someone you-… like.”
“Pete, you do have a lot of the qualities that made Steve who he was. You do. But-. You’re not the same and I don’t want you to be. I know it's not what you wanna hear right now, but you have to know there'll always be a part of me who'll love him, yes. And I miss him. But that have nothing to do with this. At first I thought it may, but that's bullshit. The more I get to know you the more I-... I like you for your awkwardness, y'know? For how nerd you are, and how passionate about everything-... I think I'm even starting to like a little, those damned meme-things that you keep making me see and I'm still not sure I get-? And I like how meek and unsure you look sometimes even though I can see how strong you are, underneath it. But specially, I love how kind you are... How gentle. You’re perfect, Pete. Just the way you are. Okay?”
“… ‘K.” – he replied chocked up, looking at the earnest expression on that damned man, still standing by the door like he wasn’t sure he was welcome there, and he felt the first tear roll out of his face, breaking the spell keeping the man at bay.
“Shh… It’s alright, love. It’s alright.” – the soldier came closer, enveloping him in his arms so tenderly that he couldn’t help new tears to follow the first.
“I think may be in love with you, Bucky.”
“Yeah… Yeah Pete, I think I may be there too.”