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He had taken the habit of checking on her.
It was more than his bodyguard’s instincts – he knew that. Sure, he had started taking his role seriously shortly after they had struck their deal, back at the church. He had to ensure her safety – from the Turks, from the monsters lurking in the Sector 5 slums, from the thugs undressing her with their dirty gazes at Wall Market, from Shinra and the monster that was Hojo. From Sephiroth.
The was something about his name that never failed to make him shiver. And when he dared pair his name with hers, a rush of pure dread shook his entire being.
Sephiroth and Aerith. The very idea of picturing them together, sharing the same space, breathing the same air, seemed to defy any kind of logic – to contradict the natural state of things. Sometimes, he felt like they were two primal forces, ancient and forgotten, so different to negate each other’s existence. Like two contradictory worlds – and he knew, deep down he knew, that someday those two worlds would have to collide.
That was the source of his restlessness. He could sense it – the echo of the unavoidable clash between these forces, raging in the distance, and yet looming closer by the day. And he shivered in pure, absolute terror, his eyes frantically wandering around, searching for her.
It had been happening more and more frequently. These sudden crises – surges of pure panic, washing over his body; his mind blank with nothing but terror; his chest split in two by an unquenchable anxiety. And keeping his cool façade, in turn, was getting more and more difficult.
What anchored him to his sanity, what prevented him from breaking down entirely, was her.
When his eyes found her, brimming with life, his heart eased. She was there, still there. She was okay, still okay.
It had become a sort of routine. He would look for her and suppress a sigh of relief finding her safe and sound. Often, she would catch him in the act, intercept his gaze and curve her lips into a smile – his heart, then, would skip a bit, albeit for a different reason.
So, he had taken this habit of checking on her. Day and night. Constantly.
When they were exploring, he made sure to adjust his pace to hers, and, while leading the party, he still turned around frequently to make sure she did not stray too far from their path. During their battles, his eyes were constantly darting between her and their enemies – even if he knew she was more than capable to hold her ground on her own. At night, when they had to make camp outside and sleep under the open sky, he silently held his gaze on her body, rolled in her sleeping bag, until he heard her breathing quietly, her body gently rocked by a serene sleep. And when they spent the night at an inn, splitting into girls’ and boys’ rooms, he just couldn’t fall asleep before assuring himself she was alright. So, he waited until his roommates were fast asleep to slip out of their room; with light steps he treaded the hallway until the girls’ room and stopped in front of her door; with his honed SOLDIER senses, he listened, making out Tifa’s breath, Yuffie’s and then hers. Unmistakable. Then, he could fall asleep too.
His nights were never peaceful, though. He woke up often, with his heart beating fast and that dreadful anxiety lingering over him. He knew he’d just had a bad dream – even if he could never remember the details.
That was the worst part about it all – not knowing. He was terrified, certain that something terrible was right behind the corner; something about Sephiroth, and Aerith, and himself – but he didn’t know what, or where, or when. Or why. It was just a bad omen, one that he couldn’t shake off no matter what.
And it was getting worse and worse. Impossible to suppress.
It peaked when they reached Gold Saucer. Amidst the chaos of neon lights, cheerful jingles and lively voices, Cloud felt himself overcome by all the anxiety and fear he had been trying so hard to keep at bay up to that point. His mouth dry, his chest heavy, he moved between the flashing lights and feisty staff members in a daze, following the others. There was a piercing sound splitting his head in two, muffling all other noises. He almost stumbled upon his feet twice, earning a concerned look from both Tifa and Aerith.
It was close. Whatever it was, it was so very close.
He was about to lose it.
He was the first to retire to his room that night.
For once, they had been able to secure a single for everybody. He should have enjoyed the privacy, for a change. Or the prospect of a silent night, free from Barret’s snoring. A part of him did – he was relieved to be alone, eager to hide from them as he had been ever since the crisis had started, earlier that day. But the loneliness only magnified his anxiety. Sitting alone in his room, his head in his hands and his blank stare fixed on the creaked floor, he felt as if he was about to be swallowed whole by the storm that had been chasing him from the day they left Midgar – no, maybe even before.
From the day he met her.
From the day he cried for her.
He felt so powerless.
A light knock on the door made him jump on his feet.
She opened the door without waiting for a response.
They stared at each other in silence, for a brief moment. Then, she closed the door behind her and leaned against it.
“Hey. I’ve come to check on you” she said, a smile on her lips and worry in her eyes.
His first reaction, as usual, was to pretend – to be okay, to be strong. Just as SOLDIERs needed to be.
“I’m fine. Just tired” he scoffed, averting his gaze.
“Really?” she echoed. “You’ve been spacing out all day. When we got here, I thought about asking you out on that date I owe you since this place looks so fun and all. But it’s plain to see you’re not in the mood.”
Cloud opened his mouth, looking for words that didn’t come out. Her words had stirred up a different feeling – a pinch of… disappointed? Regret?
“I’m… sorry” he said, lamely.
She shook her head.
“No need to apologise. Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong instead?”
He was ready to deny, again, that anything was wrong, but she didn’t let him.
“Something is eating you” she said. “You’re not the only one allowed to worry, you know? I’ve been keeping an eye on you too”.
A gentle smile found its way on her lips and Cloud felt hopeless, all of a sudden. He had been a fool, not to realise how, all the time he had been obsessing over his fears, she had been just as worried. That she had been looking over him, too, even if he was too self-absorbed to notice.
He let out a sigh.
“I honestly… don’t know how to explain. If I put it into words, I’m afraid it won’t make any sense.”
Aerith gave him an amused look and drew closer.
“Hey, remember who you’re talking to?” Her tone was playful, but her gaze, fixed on his, was serious. “A lot of unexplainable things make sense to me. I think you won’t find a better counselor than your local weird Cetra.”
Cloud sucked in a breath, pensive. Then, he let his emotions run freely out of his lips.
He was surprised by how easily the words flew from his mouth. He didn’t think he had it in him – to disclose his fears so unapologetically, so earnestly.
“I feel like… I’m just the audience of a play that will decide the fate of our world. I’m sitting in the dark, waiting for the show to start. But I dread that moment. I know that, the instant someone walks the stage, something terrible is going to happen before my eyes. And I know that I won’t be able to do anything but stay there and watch. Useless. Powerless. Like I don’t have any other role to play. Somehow, a part of me feels like I’ve already watched this show. Once, or maybe countless times. I should know what’s about to come. I should be ready… But I’m not.”
He paused.
Aerith was staring at him with serious eyes. She quietly nodded to encourage him to go on. It was as if she knew that he still had to disclose the most relevant information.
But how could he tell her? That it was about her – that it had always been about her. How could he even phrase the agonizing fear he felt at the idea of being one step away from losing her?
Sensing his pain, she reached out to him, her fingers brushing lightly against the back of his hand. It was comforting and agonizing at the same time, and he just stood there, without moving a muscle.
Words he had not planned to say escaped his mouth on their own accord, coaxed by her gentle touch.
“It’s you” he said. Her eyes gleamed in the darkness of the room, sparked by an emotion he couldn’t quite name. It was too late to go back now – he had to let it all out.
“I’m afraid the moment I’ll take my eyes off you, you’ll… disappear.”
Despite his words, it took all his willpower not to cast his eyes down after saying that. Holding her gaze felt like a gargantuan task. And yet, in doing so he was rewarded with her genuine reaction – her pupils widened, her lips parted slightly. It was over in an instant, and Cloud would have thought he had imagined, if it weren’t for the hint of sadness the lingered on her face. Her fingers, now still, were cold and shaky against his hand.
“Then don’t” she said, just when he was about to break eye contact and stammer some words of apology. The firmness in her voice caught him by surprise and he gave her a puzzled look in return.
“Don’t take your eyes off me” she commanded. Her fingers wrapped around his wrist, resolute, and she slowly lifted his hand, guiding him towards her.
“Right now, I’m here” she said, placing his hand flat on her chest, just above her heart, and covering his fingers with hers.
Cloud stood there completely frozen, enthralled by the spell she had cast on him.
“Can’t you feel it?” she whispered, her eyes half-lidded.
And he felt it. Her heart hammering in her chest under the palm of his hand, just as fast as his was. She was not some feeble dream doomed to disappear the moment he’d wake up. She was real, and pretty much alive.
The knot in his chest got a bit looser.
He relished the moment, unable to find anything to say. He had never been good with words, but Aerith seemed to sense his relief anyway, the hint of a smile blossoming on her lips.
She gently let go of his hand, and Cloud immediately dropped it to his side, not wanting to intrude.
The gesture was far more awkward than he had intended it to be and elicited an amused smile from Aerith.
“You know…” she said, taking a step forward. “I don’t really mind it when you keep me under close watch.”
Her fingers darted to his forehead. “The scowl you get between your eyebrows when you worry is kinda cute.”
He scoffed and she giggled in return. She let her fingers slide to his temple and gently drew the outline of his face. It reminded him of the time she had cupped his face in her hand – only that it was not a dream this time and she would have not disappeared if he had tried to hold her.
And so he did.
He put his arms around her back, his hands pressed against her shoulder blades, and drew her closer. His touch was so delicate it was almost impalpable, careful as he was not to hurt her, not to break her.
Aerith let out a heavy breath and wrapped her arms around his waist, pressing their bodies together with an intensity that almost made him lose his balance.
“I’ve got you” she whispered against his neck, holding him tight.
Cloud felt that the burden that had been weighting on his chest had finally been lifted.
He could still sense it – the echo of a storm rapidly approaching. But here she was, anchoring him to his sanity. Her body was soft and warm, and he eased into her embrace, basking in the sweet scent of her freshly showered hair, in the sound of her heart beating fast against his chest.
As fleeting as that moment was, he would relish it, no matter what danger might lurk ahead.
He sucked in a breath and embraced her just as tightly.