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Audrey pressed her back against the door, her head falling back and knocking hard against it. Her hands bunched in her skirt, pressing roughly against her thighs.
The pressure was good.
Grounding.
But there wasn’t enough of it.
Her eyes drowned in tears, blurring out her vision, making everything a hazey mess of soft pink and blinding white. She could make out faint shapes- her bed, her desk, her board with photos pinned to it, the glittering chandelier- but she couldn’t see anything clearly.
It was messy and unclear, a nightmare of uncertainties and wrong choices all bundled up in some pretty, innocent shade of pink.
A bit like her.
The tears gathered but they didn’t fall.
She couldn’t let them fall.
Dinner was at 6pm and her mascara couldn’t run. Tears would ruin her eyeshadow, her blush, her highlighter. Tears would ruin an otherwise convincingly perfect image and they couldn’t.
She couldn’t allow anyone to notice.
Her heart caught in her chest, pounding and burning, the little bites and bruises that were once so pretty and fun turning rotten and deceitful. The marks of a cheat, a slut, a failure. The preppy song she and Chad had heard from behind the bleachers chased circles through her head- loud and heavy and overwhelming, a never ending headache.
She wasn’t supposed to be like this.
Audrey had been engaged since she was born.
Every year there was a new engagement ring. A new shiny treasure that she would hold up to the sun and watch it shimmer, that she would exchange excited giggles with Ben over, that she would whisper secrets to and hold close to her chest.
A new ring that eventually went up on the display above her bed next to all the others, shimmering under the pink light of her bedroom. Blinding her through her tears.
It had been to keep her and Ben excited, she guessed. To keep them waiting for the day they would finally get married with joy in their chests and smiles in their eyes.
It’d been to keep the media involved, too, probably. To keep the public encaptured with the prospect of a union, an alliance. The promise of a hopeful, stable future.
And maybe it’d worked when she was little- when the flashing cameras were an excitement, not a nightmare. What five year old didn’t get excited about a big, gaudy ring with colourful jewels that reflected the night sky? What eight year old didn’t want a heavy ring shaped like an owl, with large opals for eyes?
But the rings didn’t excite her anymore.
She’d kept all the past ones up on display, a promise to herself as well as to the public, but it didn’t make her warm or happy to look at them anymore.
They hurt.
All she was, all she ever had been, was a bargaining chip. The baby who would keep Queen Leah satisfied, the toddler that would keep Father at home, the child that would signify the beginning of a new era for the people of Auroria.
The princess that would secure Auroria’s place in Auradon forever, that would marry the Beast’s son and keep their kingdom safe, that would make sure Maleficent was never brought off that Isle.
Never let near Mother again, never in the streets of Auroria again. Never let to terrorise and torture and pemanantly damage Auroria again.
Never let to bring out that side of Father again.
Audrey was hope. Audrey was new beginnings. Audrey was a promise to Auroria.
Audrey was a shiny gold coin to be bartered with until it lost value.
And had she lost value?
She closed her eyes, letting her hands curl tighter against her skirt.
She wasn’t the three year old picture of innocence anymore. She wasn’t as elegant as Queen Leah, or as pretty as Mother, or as strong as Father.
She was just a teenager with hair that wouldn’t stay down without ribbons and hairspray no matter how many straightening products Queen Leah gave her. With unproportioned limbs that a carefully considered wardrobe could only mask so much, and teeth so crooked they’d cost Father a fortune to fix and she would never stop hearing about it.
She was just a teenager a little too invested in politics and debating for a future queen of Auradon - a future trophy wife for the Beast’s son. A little too into cheerleading and school social committees, and not enough into embroidery and high class dinners. A little too loud and opinionated and not submissive or graceful enough.
A teenager with high collars to hide hickeys Father could never know about, never even suspect, and birth control bought in secret.
Because Audrey wasn’t just a teenager. She didn’t have the freedom to do what she wanted, she didn’t have the luxury to do things for herself.
Audrey was the anchor for an unstable family. Audrey was the bargaining chip keeping Auroria in Auradon and Maleficent on the Isle.
Audrey was the face of hope and the dream of a safer Auroria.