Chapter Text
Songhwa doesn't know now when she started loving him, maybe it was during their bass lessons, him scoffing and huffing at her inability to play. Or maybe it already started when they first met, with the contrast of his warm fingers brushing her cold nervous hands as he handed her a ponytail during their interview.
It doesn't matter now. Ikjun is everywhere, even in her heart. And she now often finds herself suppressing her urge to scream.
————
She starts medical school and tells her mother she has met a handsome boy. She is only eighteen, often happy and only excited at the prospect of finally becoming a med student, a dream she’s has since she was little.
(Ha! She thinks now. If only she knew of the tears to come.)
She constantly finds her mind wandering to Ikjun after the day of orientation, the faint scent of his cologne oddly charming.
Her attempts to spend more time with him have been thwarted by the university, seeing as they don’t have the same classes together. That’s why, when she sees the guys the next day, she does something completely ridiculous.
"I can sing." She proclaims to the group loudly, proudly. She sounds oddly confident for someone who is lying through her teeth. But Ik-jun looks at her with surprise and she’s content with his attention at that moment in time. It's all that matters.
She takes a deep breath, it'll be fine.
He starts teaching her how to play the bass, never missing a beat to complain about her severely lacking singing skills, and heart starts molding itself to the sound of his voice. It beats faster, harder whenever he's around.
Sometimes Songhwa thinks he stares at her. Like at dinner the night with all the chaos of Jungweon's and Junwan's very important debate on where they were going to dinner, she finds him looking at her as she eats, as she talks, laughs.
"I think he'll ask me out, Ma," she finds herself telling her mother the next day. The sound of her mother's laughter reverberates through the phone, and Songhwa imagines the little lines forming around her mom's eyes, and immediately misses her warmth.
"Just ask him out yourself," her mom tells her, her voice teasing, "isn't that what you make me pause my dramas to complain for."
I should, she thinks, ready to do so. But then Ik-jun cancels the plans they made on her birthday with a lame non-excuse, without any explanations and she's back to forcing herself to be content with lingering looks and awkward touches during their bass lessons. He heart molds itself again, this time, with an emotion that she can't quite grasp. But it doesn't feel good, it twists and squeezes and twists.
The first year passes by like that.
The second year they all get closer as friends, and Songhwa sees him with him with his younger sister, all adoring and teasing, and she thinks she falls in love with him all over again. She tells her mother so.
The familiar laugh that her mother has reserved only for Ikjun is the only sound that is heard through the phone, “you would love anything he does!” she tells her, still laughing. And Songhwa can’t help but think she’s right.
The third year passes in a blur of exams and the odd stuffy smell of the library and studying to the early hours of the morning. For once in her life, Songhwa is almost thankful for the distraction.
She buys some coffee and chocolate when she catches Ikjun dozing off at the library, his lashes long and his face peaceful. A selfish part of her is happy- with exams taking place more frequently this year, they've only had time to hang out with the rest of guys. And she loves them, she does, but nothing beats spending time with Ikjun.
She comes back from the cafeteria, her steps slightly bouncy and stops abruptly when she sees a girl next to him. She's pretty, and Songhwa remembers now seeing her during the orientation, she was sweet, had a quiet sense of confidence that even Songhwa found intimidating.
She feels the familiar wave roll up her chest, almost like that time she ate too much cake at her brother's birthday party. It feels different now though, seeing Ikjun smile sleepily at the girl next to him, she actually wants to throw up. It burns burns burns and she wants to puke.
"Can you believe Ikjun is dating a first year?" Jun wan asks the group next day, his voice slightly disbelieving, slightly filled with awe. And she dreads what's about to come.
Shut up please shut up-
"She's pretty" Seok-hyung replies, almost bored. He's playing with his noodles and twirling them, untwisting them, breaking them. Songhwa thinks she understands how they feel.
"I bet I can date a first year" is Junwan's smart reply, and she laughs, always laughs and soon they all join her.
She smiles at him, making sure she leans her head to the side to make her words sound almost endearing ,
"idiot" she tells him. They all laugh harder.
The girl wasn't the last, many come after her, all of them pretty, all of them fun and none lasting more than two months. Songhwa makes sure to never bring them up, and he never looks at her when the guys tease him about it during dinners, band practice.
"Let's go to the club" Ikjun tells them one night after what was the most draining band practice they've done. They're in fourth year now, everything's changing but they find themselves in Seok-hyung's basement yet again, his mom's kimchi stew permeating the air keeping them warm and at peace all at once. The only sound remains Ikjun’s rhythmic taps against the table.
"No let's go to kareoki" Jeongwon.
"I want to sleep for five days." Junwan. "I don't even want to see any of your faces for at least a month. Seriously," he says, stern and serious. Songhwa grins, anticipating.
"You'll miss my face," Ikjun tells him, his eyes twinkling the way they do whenever he's about to do something mischievous. He leans forward, and strokes junwan's hair- ever so lightly, down and up. A silence passes, then a beat.
It takes a moment for Junwan to recoil, exlaiming "ya ya yaaa” his eyes bulging, and his cool composure long gone and they're all back to laughing again. Songhwa basks in Ikjun's laugh, filled with life and warmth that slowly descends down her chest. She finds herself suddenly energetic then she thinks she won't mind seeing it every day, every single day, for the rest of her days. Her heart breaks a little then, as she laughs, laughs, laughs with her friends.
It is fifth year and the engineering student from across the campus keeps on flirting with her, he's nice and handsome, funny-
"But he's not funny in the way Ikjun-ah is," she tells her mom one night on their daily phone calls. Her mom scoffs, annoyed.
"How are you going to get a boyfriend when you keep on comparing everyone to him?" asks her mom, voice almost teasing but Songhwa knows her mom enough to know she's being scolded.
"I don’t want a boyfriend, I want Ikjun," she tells her mom. Even to herself she sounds pathetic- like a bratty child who can't take no for an answer, so then she decides.
She asks Dae-young out the next week, tells him she'll take him out for dinner since he got her the peach ice tea that always seems to run out of their campus cafeteria. He smiles and says, "no it'll be my treat."
The perfect distraction. She smiles.
Ikjun doesn't really comment on it, doesn't really look at her as their friends tease her about her first boyfriend, and it being cute.
(In her fucked up way, Songhwa hopes he's jealous, hurt. She would take any sign from him, the rolling of the eyes, a huff even). He looks bored though, concentrating on
his rice and the soup he's trying to mix into it. Five seconds later, the moment is lost as Junwan asks for extra servings and the group dissolves into a chaotic debate of braised porc belly versus bulgogi. She joins in.
————
Later that year, long after her Dae-young break up, she finds herself alone in the rain, walking slowly towards her dorm, letting the coolness of the water hit her clothes and skin.
“You’re going to get pneumonia!” a familiar voice exclaims behind her.
“You’re not my mother,” she turns around to look at Ikjun, grinning. “You do look a little like her though,” she says, pretending to look him up and down.
“Is that your idea of a burn?” he laughs.
“Look at you, pretending that it didn’t hurt your ego” she responds, easily falling back to their usual banter.
“Woah you’re really rude you know, everyone thinks you’re so cute and innocent but you know how to hurt.” He’s still smiling, eyes twinkling and she doesn’t take it to heart choosing instead to continue the banter as they walk, walk, walk.
They settle in a snack bar, order some ramyeon and look at the outside where the rain is hitting the ground without mercy. The water rolls of the window down to the ground, again and again and Songhwa follows the pattern. Then,
“you love the rain.” It’s not really a question, so she mutters a hmm before she turns to the window.
“Doesn’t everyone?” she asks him.
“Not as much as you I think,” he tells her, chewing lightly on his ramyeon.
“It reminds me of my childhood,” she says, hearing her voice turn nostalgic. “When we were kids, before my brothers moved away from college, they would always play outside in the rain. I would try to go with them, but that’s when mom would come to get all of us. She was always furious, blaming them for giving me a potential cold. They would get mad at me, and the afternoon would just pass by like that, us getting yelled at, but now that I think back on it, I miss it.” She looks at him as she says that, looking down again at her empty bowl then the rain.
“How do you miss a time of getting screamed at?” he asks her, voice curious, eyes still trained on her.
“Because everyone was home. My dad, my mom, my brothers- it was among the last moments of our lives where we would all be together, just us. Now we only get to see pieces of each other’s lives. My eldest brother is married now, he barely comes home, the other one is busy with work, I’m busy with school. I don’t know I guess I just wish I cherished it more, the time we all had together,” She smiles, and hopes he doesn’t see the lonliness in her words.
They talk more then, the hours of the night giving way to the early hours of the next day, the sound of the rain still in the background along with the grumbles of the sky.
Songhwa thinks she’s grateful for this, she’s grateful because Ikjun is giving her new memories in the rain.
——————
-----------
Years pass like that, Songhwa's boyfriends come and go. She feels her heart start to harden in its place. She knows she'll always love Ikjun, he'll always be in that special place he burrowed for himself before it hardened with time past.
She knows she's no longer the romantic idealist she once was. She thinks she can handle it though. She'll always be friends with him, always accompany him in his hardest moments, laugh at his jokes that bring her such joy. But she knows by now, after all these years that whatever she feels for him, is one sided.
"I'm getting married," he tells them, all calm with a little hint of a peaceful smile, as if he didn't just drop a bombshell on them. Songhwa thinks she heard it wrong, and for the first time since she started eating, she looks up at him. He's looking back at her, with that unfamiliar, uncertain smile.
What is happening?
Five seconds pass by in silence, six, seven-
What is happening?
"Yahhh! Congratulations!" Jeongwon exclaims, his smile happy and sincere because it’s Jeongwon and Jeonwon is kind and doesn't have a malicious bone in his body, and doesn't see Songhwa breaking little by little from where she's sitting.
Soon everyone follows, patting their friend on the back, exclaiming words of support, and ignoring grumbling "but why" from Junwan that seems more curious and teasing than mean.
What is happening?
Songhwa composes herself. She tries to clear her throat and rearranges her lips into a smile "woahh Ik jun-ah" she says, thankful that her voice is taking on the tone of wonder. "Congratulations!" Smile, again. "We're all really growing up huh" smile, again. She shakes her head, still smiling and prays to God that no one can sense insides melting into themselves, leaving a trace of wild hot of nothingness. She smiles at her friends, and let their sounds fill up her heart instead.
“Mama,” she cries is her mother’s arms that night. Her mother smells like lavender and her mom, a of familiarity that has always brought her calmness. It doesn’t now though.
“You’ll be alright” he mother says, her words reassuring, but her eyes seem to say otherwise. As if she isn’t sure of it herself, doubtful.
The wedding is beautiful, Ikjun's wife is glowing, and looks at Ikjun with what seems like a teasing glint and a secret between her eyes. Ikjun only has eyes for her too. He only briefly acknowledges his friends with a warm welcome before heading over to his wife, and tucking a strand of her hair ever so gently behind her hears.
He looks down at Hye Jung with pure adoration and life, and Songhwa finds that, for the millionth time, she’s breaking, twisting again and again because of her best friend.
It's Seokhyung that finds her in little corner of the beach where the wedding is held. His eyes are kind and deep and full of concern as he looks down at her shaky hands and her face red and puffy from lack of air
He squeezes her arms, "breath in" he tells her, gently, ever so gently.
Another squeeze, "breathe out".
Songhwa think she’s going to die. She can't seem to get enough air into her lungs, her mind is a jumble of Ikjun, pathetic, stupid Ikjun Ikjun Ikjun.. She gasps again, and her lung feels like it splitting.
What is happening?
"Breathe in, and out." Seok-hyung's voice is warm, as always. He hands are strong and reassuring, and she tries to take comfort in his presence.
Ten minutes later, her mind is clearing up, her lungs no longer feel like they're about burst against her ribcage, and all that's left is the nausea that she thinks she has long become familiar with.
Ten seconds more and Seok-hyung is looking at her, his eyes blank, unwavering. She wants the ground to open up, swallow her. It's better than the humiliation of him knowing the secret that she's kept so close to herself all these years, terrified that one of her friends would find out then see her as less for it.
But it's Seok-hyung, and he doesn't say anything, he only has a small smile for her, his lips turning up on one side and brown eyes full of depth, full of no judgement.
She tells him everything. He listens, turning a little towards the unending sea that has now turned gray and red as the sun starts to set. He's patient, he doesn't comment when she stutters, from lack of breath, doesn't tease when she goes back and forth on her timelines, because in the end it's a simple story really. It's a story as old as time. It's a story of a girl, falling in love with a boy, because how could she not, when he made it so easy, so perfect.
She waits for his reaction now, as the silence weighs in between them, filled only slightly by the waves as they crash and go against the shore.
"It's okay," he tells her. "I won't tell anyone," he says, voice still void of judgment, still reassuring, as if she hadn't just admitted to being in love with a married man.
She is grateful, "can we just pretend this didn't happen?" She asks him, hoping he understands.
"Of course," he tells her, turning again to fully look at her. His eyes are sad this time though and he seems to be holding back.
What is going to happen to you? They seem to say. In the end, she is grateful he doesn’t say anything, she thinks she'll start crying again even at the mention of him.
"I'll start heading out now," she tells Seok-hyung. It doesn't need to be said that she can't handle seeing Ikjun again, with his new smile and happier than she has ever seen him before, with a woman that's not her.
"Stay," Seok-hyung says instead. "Endure it,” he says, calmly.
Cruel, she thinks, breathing heavily.
“ You'll be fine. Don't raise eyebrows like that. It'll be painful, and but stay now so that you'll continue staying by his side." He finishes.
She's floored, speechless and she looks at her friend, who she's always teased for being slow and naive, but she thinks now that he knows way more than he lets on.
And so she goes back, leaning a little to Seok-hyung's side, and promises herself that her feelings will be under lock and key now and always when it comes to Lee Ikjun. She keeps on smiling at the wedding, then at their dinners, and every time they meet up. Soon, she starts doing it with everyone she meets; gone is the girl that dives in head first into situations without thinking I can’t sing. She guards herself now, makes sure she is reserved, polite yet assertive, distant yet there for her friends. She practices; she tries to make her voice light enough to make her words sound happy, joyful, changes her tone in the appropriate moments as she buries the nothingness inside her deeper and deeper and deeper.
In time these things become easier, and even her mom stops bringing him up, sensing the change in her daughter. She concentrates instead on her work, her patients, and soon enough she thinks it's easier, so much simpler, living this life empty contentment.