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Shiganshina, 856, His Tree
Under his tree without realisation, as close as she possibly could, she places herself next to the gravestone and her back to the ground. Arms slowly stretch, she places his fifth porcelain flower, for him. While waiting for her arrival, the currently shaded gravestone looks ahead, as always. The gravestone of her most beloved.
“Hello, Eren.” Her dear.
Number five, she thinks. Five years. Visit number five. Failure to remember each annual visit would be pretty demeaning for her standards.
Her inexplainable admiration for him. And she is alone this time too. She adored her friends for being here with her and him when they did visit, but it always felt a lot greater to share her time here with just one other. Slowly, her thoughts drift, she closers her eyes completely. She feels a soft, cool breeze on the tips of her ears, nose and mouth. And as she feels, the sound of nothingness grows more apparent in her presence. Her senses shift from sound to smell, now the scent of pine is on her mind, the addicting fragrance makes her all tingly.
She’s somewhere else now.
The aroma of those domineering trees that stand in alliance on those glacier alps, their heads collectively painted with viridescent mops, which surround all perspectives from every single angle. She loves it. Just like the two lovers she’s seen in her memories.
She opens her eyes again after a while. From that place to the vast landscape that lit up directly ahead of her. Shiganshina has always been beautiful, with and without walls. There was a slight dampness to the grass below, had it really been months before yesterday that it received any downpour?
Honestly she should consider it lucky that her home could receive such tempestuous rainfall and then form into the cloudless and radiant day Mikasa finds herself enjoying. It means his tree can create shade for the both to relish in. It wasn’t as if Mikasa would miss the visit though. Even if the rain was persistent, there was no chance. But once there is heavy rain, it is seldom till months later. Weather that transitions from what seems to be unforgiving violence to timeless serenity, this perfect balance means agriculture can thrive in Shiganshina.
Known as Eldia’s poorest town not even 15 years ago is now a place of history, tourism and wealth. And Mikasa hates these new attractions.
Very hypocritical of her to think, hating tourists. She once was exactly that, and her friends still travel but she doesn’t care much for it like she once did. Plus it never matched the standards of her very first, the trip to Liberio as part of a Scouting Expedition. From the Mid East to Hizuru, nothing could match that trip with him. Holidays now are about entertainment, knowing you have found yourself in another part of the world, to breathe it all it in and embrace it, now it was all about the individual experience, and thoughts of his opinions and approvals were to be shut out.
One of the lovers in her dreams, the boy, decided he wanted to go on holiday in their remaining years, while two nations of conflict were looking for them. And that was just stupid. Plain dumb. Of course the girl said yes though.
And the surprised glow across the boy’s face. His amplified desire for her body and her soul just because she said yes to his ridiculous idea. She would never regret it.
Those dreams, Mikasa thinks. The dreams of the two lovers. The depth in detail she could reminisce upon had always been painful. What if they aren’t just dreams? Is it another lifetime? Why did they give her the same feeling a nostalgic memory gave her? She can find out when she sees him again. He definitely has something to do with it.
Her mind travelled back to the tourists, and Mikasa had to admit to herself that she cannot stand them, and she bases it on their intentions. There is this beautiful village around them and all they can ask and think of is about a monster, a murderer. Mikasa could never understand what was so fascinating about murder. Why it was so glorified, as well as impactful to the history of those who live. That monster was a hero to some in Eldia, and the devil to what was left of the world. What’s so special about that?
They ask the same questions about the monster: what was he like growing up? Were you friends with him? Where is his family? Where did he live?
Where did he live.
Years ago, when she was still a Cadet, she had thought about renovating and moving back into her second home with Eren if they were to 'defeat all the titans'. But as much as she can claim otherwise, she doesn’t have the right. It didn’t belong to her. Another family’s presence had sauntered around long before she did and they had created an antiquity within it, what remained was left best untouched, closed off from the public's searching stare.
Besides, a tranquil and secluded cabin up in the mountains had always appealed to Mikasa if the Jaeger’s household wasn’t an option. And so far it has worked out well for her. Those lovers she travels with behind closed eyes at night seem to enjoy this sort of setting too, their joy almost mask the silence she tries to ignore.
But loneliness is better than pain. If she had insisted on returning to the most important house in recent Eldian history alone, she wouldn’t have even been able to make the doorstep. The youthful mist of two kids that swarmed the entire street and house, the two who had no intention of ever leaving would refuse entry if she appeared alone.
Mikasa smiles with thoughts of their younger selves. “We’re both pretty stubborn, you just get a lot more stick for it than I do.“
It was time to talk, and she was dreading it. “We spoke about you, Eren. Me and Armin. Not long ago. I know-“
Mikasa always finds direct conversation the hardest part, and she doesn’t understand why. The only person that needs to hear her right now is listening. The only person she needed to talk to is right here and yet still it’s uncomfortable and terrifying to reveal. There is nothing more she wants to do but talk, talk to him. But it proves to be so challenging, no matter how strong Mikasa is.
Plus it was about a topic where she didn’t respect his privacy, there was a chance he’d be angry. She was going to march on though, especially after her last conversation with Armin. She was a soldier after all, and he first taught her to move forward.
“I know you had conversations with all our friends Eren. You wanted to clear things up.”
Her eyes glimmer in nostalgia, the bird which wrapped their scarf around her. Nature’s thoughtfulness can be so endearing.
“There is no mention of your talks in the paths, not whenever I’m around. But I know you speak words which stick, good and bad. That is why they don’t talk about it and I can respect that.” Thoughts of Armin’s own conversation have her brows quickly furrowed, “But Armin. I had to ask him. He is my closest now and I just wanted to know. I even threatened him, in desperation Eren. I was scared, j-“.
Flashback Liberio, 855, Armin’s Birthday Party
Armin was worried, really worried. When has she done this? Especially around him?
She really did look as if she were about to throttle him. Her fixed steel gaze, as if she was staring down a Titan once again. This Mikasa as of now would take no prisoners, and he was starting to feel the chill.
“Armin. Tell me what he told you. What did Eren say?” She moves closer, not blinking.
Think and analyse Armin, she is going to kill you. Do what you do best. He can read Eren and Mikasa like a book. It took his impending death to remember his people skills.
Mikasa was standing with silent aggression, but as Armin looked closely, she was twitching. Lips, arms and legs, shaking ever so slightly.
They only visited each other whenever Eren was a topic, an unfortunate reality. They lived different lives, Mikasa opted to stay at home and help locally while he travelled the world with their friends as global ambassadors. She would never tell him but it hurt her, being around Armin now as if they both were really enjoying themselves when Eren isn’t here, Armin understood.
Her Ackerman instincts lingered, despite the curse’s end. But he was not letting Mikasa intimidate him, she was his friend and he was also a grown man. Plus Annie would laugh at him.
With a belligerent huff, Armin murmured his unspoken truth. It was his fault for bringing up Eren anyway. “Look, Mikasa. Stop the glare and I will tell you about what Eren and I discussed.” He watched Mikasa decompress, slightly concerned that she was not ready, “So are you sure Mika-“
“ARMI-“
“Okay I’m sorry! Don’t hurt me!”
Mikasa then lowered her right leg from his head. She’s still mildly shaking, Armin notices.
“Me and Eren talked about a lot of things. Our dreams- well, my dream about the ocean that he wanted to happen for me. The rumbling and the consequences of it for the world and for Paradis. Nothing you don’t know already. But eventually, we did talk about you.” Armin slightly looked up, Mikasa gaze could kill, “As you suspected, he mentioned that you would free the Founder Ymir and that was enough to end the curse. Then I asked him about what would happen to you. He stood there being an asshole, pretending he couldn’t care less about what happened to you. We both knew he was lying so to press his buttons, I brought up the idea of you with someone else.”
Mikasa cringed as Armin’s lips curled upwards.
“Just like that.” Armin snaps his fingers ,“he starts crying in a shout: He doesn’t want that.” Armin put both his hands up, voice cracking to match his friend’s demeanour, “Mikasa finding another man? I want her to think about me for the rest of my life, and even after I die, I want to be at the front of her mind, ten years, at least.” Mikasa had visibly calmed down, looking down at the floor in shock, but Armin could make out her blush.
“I’ve never seen anything more pathetic Mikasa, I made sure to tell him so.” He wanted to chuckle but felt afraid to do so, being around Mikasa whenever Eren was mentioned is like walking on ice, things could crack at any moment.
He used to be the exception but not anymore, Eren would hate this dynamic of theirs now. Time, and conversations like these will heal, he is certain.
Slowly, Armin speaks again. Very softly, “He said he wants to be with you Mikasa, with everyone. But that he could not be forgiven. I tried my best to stop him from thinking like that there, honest.”
She lets out an inaudible noise, and Armin winced. He thought she may have cheered up a bit.
“Mikasa, don’t cr-“
She’s laughing. He swears he hears her giggling.
Armin stands straight and sure enough, with a genuine smile, Mikasa is laughing. What the-
“Thank you so much Armin for letting me know, I’m sorry for bothering you,” Mikasa uttered.
The ex soldier hastily left the room, a skip in her step that would go unnoticed by everyone but him. All Armin could do was scratch his head, mouth ajar.
“I was just, painfully desperate as another year was approaching, so I invaded the privacy of yours and Armin’s. I really am sorry.”
Mikasa was sorry with all of her heart, every little bit. The gnawing curiosity, a chance of hearing some sort of new story or words from him, especially whenever the anniversary of his- she still wasn’t comfortable with terming Eren’s end so literally. “Armin said that you told him I was the one to save the world, to save the Founder Ymir. To push beyond her love within this cruel world and lift the curse.”
Mikasa simpers, slightly lifting herself from her slump on his tree, back perfectly placed over the trunk.
“That makes me sound very powerful Eren,” her tone slightly flirty. “Do you think I’m powerful? Tell me.”
Wind sharply passes through Mikasa’s left and right ears. That’s his response. The simper expression on her mouth turns into a beaming smile. She continues to speak, now mimicking her beloved’s indignant pitch.
“Mikasa with another man?! I want her to think about me and no one else for the rest of my life!”
She was about to laugh, like loads.
“Even after I die, I want to be in front of her mind for a while! Ten years a-“
Mikasa gave up, it was too funny. She had to stop, it was all too hilarious. A chuckle turns into a jubilant guffaw, her hysterics could pass as ghostly screams if you were nearby. Armin called it pathetic, but it was hilariously endearing to her. Her shrieks fill the hill in its entirety for some minutes.
When laughter consumes someone to the point that breathing isn’t a priority, it’s amazing and unforgettable. Her ten year old self was familiar to the feeling, when Eren would be at her side, doing something stupid.
Wow she can’t knock the emotion, she should do this more.
Emitting tiny snickers, Mikasa finally continues, same bratty tone, “Ten years at least.”
A bit later she has calmed down, and now Mikasa speaks as if she were sane, “Was that good Eren, the voice? I know it’s perfect, that’s how you sounded to me whenever you got angry.”
Again, the wind meticulously shifts across her body, her heart. She can imagine his ears are bright red, pouting with his head looking down in shame.
Drawing a long breath, which turns into a sigh, she knew it was time to be serious or he would get upset. Frustration naturally built within him from being teased, but her telling smile stays though. And it stays because his meltdowns from being teased are too much for her, the lovers in her dreams are proof that this didn’t stop just because he got older.
Now she’d cheer him up with what she really felt, “You will always be with me, with everyone. Even if I can’t see your bright red ears right now. I also have forgiven you, so I hope that is enough for you.”
This is the man who destroyed the world, followed by tourists and supporters in fascinated hatred and obsession. This is the man of the couple she follows in her dreams, her sweet dreams. This is the man who said he hated her because it was an attempt to make her hate him. This is the man who is stubborn, like her. This is the man she grew up with. This is the man that is her most beloved, her dear. This man is all Eren Jaeger. And Eren Jaeger wants to stay in her mind for ten years? Ten? Just ten?
This man is stupid. Eren Jaeger is so stupid.
“You’re stupid, Eren.” Mikasa whispers, but her voice grows louder. “You’re stupid, you’re dumb, you’re a suicidal maniac, as Jean says. Seriously, 10 years?”. Frustration slowly writhed within Mikasa. She was suddenly talking with a frightening sense of emotion.
“I wasn’t teased for years by Sasha, Ymir, Annie and all the other girls in training for you to think I’d forget you after 10 years. Do you really think this obsession they claim I have would then mean I forget you, just like that?”
The wind had stopped. Good, Mikasa thinks, he is calm again. Listen to me.
“Love. That’s what I feel about us Eren. Love. We love with touch, words, whatever it is. We had 4 years of intimate love in other lives. We loved as teenagers in our own unique ways. We loved Eren. We’re still loving.” Mikasa grasps onto their red scarf tightly, to add emphasis.
“You wrapped this scarf around me years ago. We both know why. You still try your best to do so. Out of love. This is love Eren, our love. The world doesn’t need to acknowledge or understand. Our love, it is so cruel and beautiful.”
Flashbacks of Carla invade her thought-space. Melancholy was inevitable.
“Remember what Aunt Carla said? That you were special for being born into this world. You were born and you wrapped this scarf around me. I can’t forget that Eren. No way. Our history has its nightmares, but severing our connection is not possible. I do not want it any other way. A thousand, two thousand- twenty thousands years!.”
She was practically shouting now, “You will always be on the front of my mind Eren, you'll forever be right here!” Pointing passionately at her head, staring up at the cloud-filled sky.
It hurt. How could Eren think so lowly of himself. Ten years. Tch
Her arms were instinctively raised, a clear sign she is getting carried away so she’d sit in silence now and think about him in a better manner. The wind that had danced around her had long gone, Mikasa hopes he received her message.
Tap.
Tap Tap.
Mikasa looks up, the world’s sky and her pupils match in hue. Pitter, patter. Pitter patter
This was weird, weather can be irregular but so soon? This has never happened in this area. The rain has come back, two days in a row. She glances at the gravestone beside her, and then up to his tree. No birds this time, Mikasa thinks.
She turns her head and Mikasa slowly kisses the top of the porpoise stone. Noticing how clear her engraved statement appears after years of earthly damage, she could say that she had done a pretty good job beating the carvings in on that day. Five years later and her rage for the world had paid off.
Pphhsssshh
Going home was an option, rain bathing was another. Yet Eren would scold her, tell her to go home or she may fall sick. That is a guarantee in all lifetimes.
Mikasa remembers her female comrades. Their untruthful description of her feelings towards Eren.
She is not obsessed, she will not listen to Eren at this moment. Sitting in the rain right now is proof. But it is also stupid, she is also being pretty stupid. With great comfort on his grass, Mikasa looks up to a charcoal sky. Pink cardigan and red scarf completely soaked, Mikasa was soaking now.
Boom. A clap of thunder shakes the young man's tree.
“What do you think Eren? Is staying in this rain with you stupid?” Mikasa laughs, holding onto his stone and continuing to stay in the rain, fighting off the oncoming sneeze.
.
.
.
Rain. So much rain.
He has never been so relieved, he couldn’t control himself. He is pathetic and stupid, but she doesn’t care. She loves it. She loves that he’s stupid and she promised to love him, forever at least.
So the rain only grew stronger as she remained.