Chapter Text
[A cheery, royalty free tune plays. There are two voices mimicking the beats verbally, and they are doing a horrible job at it. It would be endearing, if it wasn't… like that.
The intro song comes to an end with -]
???: Wellllcome to the Clingyduo Podcast!
???: Woo!
[A screen pops up, it's just a discord screen with two users in call, and whenever either of them talk a green circle incases their profile picture. The pictures are a fluffy cow in a field, and the other is a bird with a knife in its mouth.]
???: I'm one of your hosts, Tommy Danger Kraken Cool Awesome Fearless -
???: Annoying,
Tommy: Innit! Shut up, Tubbo, c'mon man, we're barely five seconds in, why are you being rude -
???: And! I'm Tubbo! No weird middle name shit, just Tubbo. Tubbo underscore if you want my Instagram or my Twitter.
Tommy: Ohh, already trying to steal some ladies, hmm?
Tubbo: Literally die.
Tommy: [Gasps] What the fuck!
Tubbo: Anyway!
Welcome to the podcast! This was… originally meant to be a school news thing,
Tommy: Butttt, they, uh,
They called us, what was it, Tubso?
Tubbo: I believe it was "Annoying and would make people want to cry?"
Tommy: Ah, ah, yes, that was it.
Schlatt's a dick, man.
Tubbo: Schlatt's a dick!
However! Because we cannot be silenced, we're… literally doing the exact same thing, but making it a podcast.
Because the internet… will hear us. Whether it wants to or not.
Smile.
Tommy: Why did you verbally say smile.
Tubbo: Yeah.
Tommy: [...]
Okay!
But! Yes, as Tubbo said, this will be a… weekly?
Tubbo: Hmm. Maybe?
Tommy: This will be a possibly! Weekly podcast on… uh, the drama at our school.
And our lives?
Tubbo: We live quite wild lives, dear internet, let me tell you!
Just last week I drank God's blood and nature's piss mixed together!
Tommy: It was wine and river water please stop saying it like that.
Tubbo: No!
Smile.
Tommy: Fucker.
Tubbo: Bitch.
Tommy: [Strangled angry noises]
Tubbo: So, do we get to the drama, now?
Tommy: I suppose so, I suppose so.
The main thing that happened today is, well, two things, really,
Tubbo: A kid got fucking bodied in lunch, bro! Absolutely wrecked! It was so fucking funny!
Tommy: Ah yes, the playful fight, gone wrong…
It all started with a tall fellow named Dream -
Tubbo: You can't call him tall! Look at your stringbean ass! And look at me!
Tommy: LET ME CONTINUE THE NEWS REPORT?
Tubbo: [Mumbling] tall ass… freak of nature…
[Incomprehensible mumbling]
[Louder] FREAK.
Tommy: FUCK YOU!
IT ALL STARTED WITH DREAM -
Tubbo: [Talking over Tommy] IT ALL STARTED WITH DREAM AS HE -
Tommy: [Screams]
Tubbo: [Attempts to scream louder]
[A thud comes from Timmy's mic, a loud SHUT THE FUCK UP can be heard.]
Tubbo: [...]
[Giggling] It appears we made brother dearest angry.
Tommy: Techno mad.
Tubbo: Techno smash .
Tommy: Soooo true!
Alas, we can't keep screaming, because he will tell Phil on me and I do not want Philza Minecraft on my ass right now.
[There's no facecams on the YouTube video, but you can almost feel Tubbo nodding.]
Tubbo: Understandable bossman, we should probably get through the reports anyway.
Tommy: True…
Anyway, okay, okay, so,
It all starts out with Dream, right?
Tubbo: As most things do.
Tommy: As most things do! It's like he's the main character or something! Horrible, really. Green bastard.
But, Dream is in the cafeteria, right. He's messing around with the quote unquote dream team, and he, he accidentally bumps into Noah.
Tubbo: GOD.
Tommy: And, so, of course, he takes it personally -
Tubbo: Of course he does!
Tommy: And they just fucking start going at it.
Like, Dream wasn't… actively trying to beat his ass… but, it's Dream, so he obviously did.
Tubbo: Dream - Dream my little meow meow.
Tommy: [...]
No.
Tubbo: Yeah. Yeah… Dream my little meow meow.
Tommy: Tubbo. Tubbo. What if he fucking sees this.
Tubbo: Then he'll know about my parasocial relationship with him!
Tommy: What the fuck is wrong with you.
You're ill. You are sick in the fucking head. Get therapy.
Tubbo: I've TRIED!
Tommy: I KNOW!
[...]
So, uh, Noah doesn't fucking win, obviously.
Tubbo: Obviously.
Tommy: Now they're both in DAEP for who fuckin' knows how long.
Tubbo: Should - should we say what DAEP is in case someone listening doesn't know?
Tommy: Tubbo who the fuck outside of our school is listening to this?
Who is speaking into two teenagers' weekly lives? If anyone it would have to be people from our school, c'mon.
Tubbo: True… true…
[What they didn't know, is that, not long after, they would in fact get… a lot of people peeking into the lives of two teenagers at an unnamed high school.]
Tommy: Now Sapnap and George are sad as hell - same with Fundy, pining fuckkkk.
L moment, honestly. Especially since it's quite close to the end of the school year, we have what, five weeks left? Four?
Tubbo: Four and a few days, I think.
Tommy: Oh fuck you, so five.
God. What else happened?
Tubbo: Uhhh. Uhhh.
Oh!
New kid came to school, Ranboob?
Tommy: Ranboo,
Tubbo: Ranboob.
Tommy: 'Lright,
But yeah, he's new, in a few of my classes. Skittish as hell.
Tubbo: [Happily] He's scared of me.
Tommy: WHY?
Tubbo: I'm just like that.
Tommy: No, no, yeah, accurate, you are.
Karl also quit Volleyball. Oh seven.
Tubbo: Did, did you just say the little man saluting thing. Out loud.
Tommy: Yeah?
Tubbo: [Grumbling] We need to open the schools…
Tommy: WE GO TO SCHOOL?
Tubbo: WELL FUCK I DON'T KNOW THEN! LET'S CLOSE THEM AGAIN?
Tommy: HUH???
Tubbo: I DON'T KNOW MAN I JUST WANT YOU TO STOP!
Tommy: WHAT THE FUCK?
Tubbo: Oh shit wait! Pause, pause, we gotta do a like…
Personal update too.
Tommy: … Why.
Tubbo: So our fans have a connection, Tommy! So they get sad when we die!
Tommy: WHY ARE WE DYING?
Tubbo: Well, I mean, we're all dying, pretty much immediately after birth, but specifically in like… your twenties… when your cells start doing shit. I don't know, I didn't pay much attention to Biology today.
I hope I go out in a bang, though.
Just absolutely wild death.
I'm taking you down, with me.
Tommy: I did not agree to that.
Tubbo: It's not an agreement thing! It's a threat!
Anyway. I've been fine, yanno, Schlatt's a bitch as usual, older brother tingz aha.
Tommy: [...]
Tubbo: Stop staring at your discord screen in disappointment.
I can feel it, Tommy. Stop.
TOMMY.
Tommy: No.
Tubbo: I'll cry. Sob, even.
Start bawling on call.
Puffy will probably come in.
And, and, she'll go oh, oh Tubbo,
Dearest brother Tubbo,
Tommy: She would never.
Tubbo: SHE'LL GO, OH, DEAREST LITTLE BROTHER, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Tommy: Lies.
She likes me more than you.
Tubbo: AND I, IN TEARS, WILL GO OH, OH PUFFY, DEAREST SISTER BELOVED, IT IS TOMMY, HE IS SO CRUEL,
She will go oh, oh no, I Know What I Must Do.
[Noises as Tubbo gets closer to the mic]
And then she'll kill you!
Tommy: No.
She likes me too much, she'll take my side.
Tommy protection squad.
Tubbo: [Softly] Shit, she did join that.
Tommy: YOU MADE IT?
Tubbo: YOU MADE A TUBBO ONE!
Tommy: FOR GOOD REASON!
Tubbo: MINE IS FOR GOOD REASON TOO!
Tommy: FUCK YOU!
Tubbo: GO GET DIAGNOSED WITH NEURODIVERGENCE!
Tommy: FUCK YOUUUUUU -
Tubbo: OH! I also made a weapon in welding today.
Smile.
Tommy: … Elaborate?
Tubbo: No.
Smile.
Tommy: What the fuck.
Uh, well. Shit man I don't know?
I got to see Henry today.
Tubbo: POGGGG.
Wait, wait, okay, explain who Henry is.
Tommy: You have too much faith in us blowing up.
Tubbo: Correct!
Tommy: [Sighs]
Henry is my cow, she can't live on the land me and my family live on because there's no fucking land - small ass house. So, he lives in a nearby farm. I see him every few days, and she's like, very much mine.
Horse girl energy but with a cow.
Tubbo: Henry. Slash fond.
Tommy: Based…
Tubbo: Oh! Shit, shit, we gotta wrap up, I gotta go help Puffy make dinner - she just messaged me.
Tommy: Wow. Can't believe this. I was just starting to get into it too…
Cruel world.
Tubbo: Short episode, but -
Tommy: Short week. Short life. Short existence, really. Nothing exists for as long as we want it to, need it to, why should this? Hmm?
Tubbo: Stop… stop hanging with Technoblade.
Tommy: [Sputtering] I - wh - he's my BROTHER?
Tubbo: Yes? And?
Stop it.
Anyway! We made new Twitters and Instagrams for this, um. I'm, again, Tubbo underscore. As in like, the symbol, not… not typed out.
Tommy: Should've been typed out, I reckon.
Tubbo Underscore, has a bit of a ring to it, no?
Tubbo: No.
Tommy: Oh.
Tubbo: I'm frowning at you right now.
Deadpan.
You're such a disappoint-
Tommy: [TommyInnit™ laughter] Hey! Hey - don't - don't go into Jack Manifold kinshift so early -
Tubbo: DO NOT BRING KINNING ONTO OUR GOOD AND HAPPY PODCAST, TOMMY.
Tommy: Oh… but I already have.
Tubbo: You're sick.
You're sick in the head.
Tommy: Yeah.
Heart emoji.
I'm Tommy Innit on Twitter, one word, no spaces -
Tubbo: You? Can't have spaces? On a user?
Tommy: I wanted to clarify!
Tubbo: Okay.
Stop.
Tommy: Oh my GOD -
[The outro music plays as they continue to bicker in the background, their voices getting more and more incomprehensible as the music goes on.]
Tommy - CLINGY POD! | @TommyInnit
New pod! :D episode one is out!! https://open.spotify.com/episode/totallyrealpodcast
2 Retweets 1 Quote Tweets 1 Likes
Tubbo CLINGYDUO POD POG! | @Tubbo_
Replying to @TommyInnit
vouch
Tubbo CLINGYDUO POD POG! | @Tubbo_
NEW PODCAST W/ THE BESTIE! https://youtu.be/clingyduorealbutnotreallyhaha
1 Retweets 1 Quote Tweets 3 Likes
Tommy - CLINGY POD! | @TommyInnit
Replying to @Tubbo_
Kinda parasocial… I'm not your bestie… but vouch:DD
Tubbo CLINGYDUO POD POG! | @Tubbo_
Replying to @TommyInnit
Ok CEO of clingytwt
Tommy - CLINGY POD! | @TommyInnit
Replying to @Tubbo_
HOW AM I THE CEO IT DOESNT EVEN EXIST YET
Tubbo CLINGYDUO POD POG! | @Tubbo_
Replying to @TommyInnit
Exactly….
Tommy - CLINGY POD! | @TommyInnit
Replying to @Tubbo_
????@?#*@*@(÷??@?÷*÷*#(@?$,