Chapter Text
Grief is persistent, but it isn't constant.
Often it lies dormant, just enough for him to lose himself in the swinging of blades or trivial conversations. It's surprisingly simple- if he keeps his mind busy, he keeps the thoughts at bay.
Unfortunately, he can't keep it up forever.
His hands blister, his body aches for sleep, and his energy seeps away.
It's at those times when he lies alone in the dark and feels the familiar burden crash over him again.
The nausea, the grief, the self-hatred.
It's been years and yet it never leaves, it still weighs him down, relentlessly chipping away at him until there's nothing left at all.
And it's absolutely overwhelming.
Giyuu felt the warm water flow through his inky-black hair, spreading the uneven tufts around his face. He leaned his head against the porcelain side of the tub, the water just barely lapping at his chin. He stared blankly at the bathroom ceiling through the foggy air.
If he were to lower his body just slightly… the water would begin to encase his face, creeping up until it covered his mouth, creating a fragile barrier between him and the oxygen he currently drew into his lungs.
It would hold him with gentle arms, restraining him until the lack of oxygen made his chest start to hurt and his head swim.
Well, he knew that was a sweet lie.
In reality, the water would flow into his nose and mouth, reaching his lungs and replacing all the water in them. His diaphragm and lungs would spasm and collapse and he would be in excruciating pain, at least until his survival instincts kicked in and he would splutter and kick until his pathetic body had expelled all the water inside of him.
His fantasies ignored this.
Giyuu couldn’t help but feel a wave of shame, realizing how pathetic he was. If he truly thought he was better off dead, he would’ve fought tooth and nail to be. Yet here he was, lying in a bathtub, idly fantasizing about death without actually making an effort to end his life.
He wondered what Sabito and his sister would think of him now.
The shame and guilt made him want to sink into the water even more, but instead he forced himself to sit up, now-lukewarm warm water running down his back. If he wasn’t going to do anything productive here, he could at least go make himself useful.
Giyuu found himself standing outside of the Demon Slayer Corps’s building hours later, blinking in the harsh sunlight. He didn’t recall much of what led him here, only that he must've changed into his uniform at some point and made his way here, as if on autopilot.
“Oh, Tomioka-san,” A feminine voice spoke nearby, and he turned slightly to face Shinobu, the butterfly pillar. Her purple eyes were wide and falsely innocent. He gave her a small nod of acknowledgement.
“Where have you been? The meeting is going to start soon.”
“I was busy.” Giyuu said shortly.
He had wasted half of the day in bed, and the other half in a bathtub fantasizing about death.
“Your hair is all wet.” The woman observed. Her voice was sweet but as usual, it was difficult to tell her true intentions.
“I took a bath.” Giyuu started to walk past her, not finding a point in partaking in conversation. He still had a heavy feeling in his stomach, and mostly wanted to do something productive today so he could go home not feeling entirely worthless.
If he could just manage one thing…
Maybe it would be acceptable that he kept on living today.
“Always so cold, Tomioka-san…” Shinobu said softly, still smiling as she trailed after him.
Giyuu frowned a bit, feeling slightly confused. It wasn’t that he was cold, he just didn’t have any reason to talk right now. Why waste his energy on something so trivial?
“I don’t have time to talk.” Was all he said, which was technically the truth. He just needed to complete some task today, and then he could finally rest. And then tomorrow… well, if he continued to live tomorrow, he would just turn to the next mission.
It was like a trade, sort of.
If he continues to selfishly keep himself alive, he must do something worthwhile during it. otherwise, he really would be better off dead.
“Well, see you later, Tomioka-san.” Shinobu fluttered her hand in a small wave before starting to turn around.
“Wait, Shinobu-san.” Giyuu suddenly remembered earlier that day.
“Hm?”
“Do you have any sleeping pills?” The raven-head asked flatly, to which Shinobu looked mildly surprised.
“Oh, having difficulty sleeping? Well, yes, but I can’t give you too many.” Shinobu opened up her small medical case that she kept on her at all times, pulling out a small pill bottle. “Here. Don’t take too many at once, make sure to read the label thoroughly.”
Giyuu said nothing, but took the bottle from her and pocketed it with a monotonous word of thanks. He wasn't sure what prompted him to suddenly speak out like that- it wasn't like he'd directly planned anything beforehand.
But it would be nice to have the option available, wouldn't it?
Later that night, perhaps he would finally down the whole bottle and fade away in his bathtub, leaving somebody to find his body when they eventually thought to check. Perhaps his disappearance would go unnoticed for weeks, or months, before somebody thought to check on him.
He would be somewhere else far away by then, and maybe he would finally be reunited with Sabito.
The thought sent a sharp pain through his heart and at the same time, steadied his resolve. He would probably get called a coward by the other boy for taking the easy way out, but in that case he would just ask for forgiveness.
And not just for dying, for everything.
For dying now, for surviving the final selection.
That's when he realized- living or dying, they both filled him with guilt.
There was always something deeply wrong with his existence.
It was raining.
It drummed against his windows and glided down the glass, filling his ears with a rhythmic, almost comforting sound.
The sound of water pouring from the facet integrated with it until both became nearly indistinguishable.
Giyuu stared with an unreadable expression into the slowly-filling tub, somehow both feeling numb and a whole flood of emotions.
It had been a whole week since Shinobu had given him the sleeping pills, and he'd kept them by his bed but hadn't touched them since. He was either a coward for avoiding death, or a masochist for prolonging his suffering.
But today...
He wasn't sure what was different. It was just like any other day, except that the fog weighed on him a bit heavier and the thoughts seemed a bit louder.
“Your existence is pointless.”
“You're nothing.”
“He threw away his life for you, because you failed.”
"It's your fault.”
"Why do you deserve to live when he died?"
He didn't have an answer.
Maybe it was time to stop fighting, and accept the undeniable truth.
It’s better for everyone if I just disappeared.
Everything after that was blurry.
He remembered the cool weight of the countless sleeping pills in his palm and bringing them up to his lips.
He remembered collapsing into the bathtub, still fully clothed, the warm water splashing up the sides of the tub.
He left his sacred haori folded and dry on top of the counter- he couldn’t bear to ruin his sister and Sabito’s clothing pieces.
And now he finds himself lying among the water, feeling oddly floaty and light-headed as he stares at the ceiling through dull, blue eyes, waiting for the pills to kick in.
On second thought, maybe they already had. He did feel pretty hazy.
He didn’t know how much time had passed, but eventually he felt the drugs finally start to take over his system. They tugged at his eyelids and filled his head with mindless fog.
The water lapped at his chin. Either it was rising, or he was sinking.
His vision blurred, mixing the colors in confusing ways.
He closed them.
Am I
dying ?
Just thinking was exhausting.
He certainly felt like he was dying.
He hoped so.
Everything felt like it was fading away around him, each of his senses one by one. Maybe he was fully submerged by now, but he felt like he was surrounded by clouds. In the darkness of his eyelids, he saw something start to form.
It was terribly blurry and sort of... mishappen. But the salmon-colored smudge slightly resembled hair and lavender... eyes? It became more clear the longer he stared.
Sa...bito?
Giyuu drew in a small breath, which didn't make sense if he was dead, and desperately tried to speak, to reach out a hand. Everything else was forgotten, he wanted to cry, or yell, to just feel his friend again.
He stretched out his fingertips in his mind's eye, seemingly just inches away-
And then just like that, the boy vanished.
Giyuu didn't even have time to process because a heartbeat after that, everything else did too.