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Kakashi finishes reading the medical record of the patient laying on his table and lets out a deep sigh. The surgical mask filters most of the hot air but there’s still a visible puff that travels upwards before dispersing completely. He tosses the clipboard to his desk and grabs a fresh pair of latex gloves. They often make his hands feel even colder than usual but the chilly air of the dissecting room has never bothered him.
“8th of September, 9:32 PM,” he says out loud after hitting the record button on the recorder and walks towards the table. “Patient’s name: Kabuto Yakushi. Reported cause of death: Gunshot wound to the abdomen.”
The coroner glances at the set of scalpels waiting on the trolley by the examination table. He grabs one of the bigger ones for cutting through the skin.
“Let’s see just what exactly has that bullet done to you…” Kakashi murmurs and presses the blade against the pale flesh.
With how much blood the deceased has lost, the skin is slowly turning blue. Thankfully by the time the bodies get to the dissecting room, they don’t bleed anymore. The doctor can’t imagine dealing with the crimson liquid painting the clean white tiles on a daily basis. The room reeks of bleach and the kind of unpleasant scent most people associate with visits to the dentist. One of Kakashi’s coworkers has once simply called it the smell of death. He doesn’t argue with that.
Some of the blood trickles from the cut the coroner makes but it’s not so much that he’d need to use the sucker. Kakashi parts the skin and looks at the ruptured tissue, thinking of how to describe the bullet’s path through the body. He opens his mouth and is about to talk about the way the small intestine is damaged when he hears rapid, heavy footsteps descending on the metal stairs leading into the basement.
One thing Kakashi likes about the placement of the dissecting room is that he doesn’t hear all the usual hospital ruckus. The sirens of the ambulance don’t reach him, there are no family members wailing about their loved ones in critical condition. It’s just him and the stiff, cold bodies waiting to be examined. So he quickly hears if anyone’s coming to greet him.
The doctor turns around and stops the recorder just before someone kicks the door open. Kakashi doesn’t appreciate the violation of hospital property. He’s still holding the scalpel and the thought of teaching the intruder a lesson crosses his mind. But he’d rather not deal with two dead people at once.
Seems like the stranger has a similar thought, though. The coroner hears a click and something cold is pressed to the back of his head.
“Hello, good doctor,” a low voice grumbles. There’s a hint of weird amusement to it. “I need you to do me a quick favour.”
It’s the first time Kakashi regrets not hearing anything that’s usually happening at the rest of the hospital. Perhaps he’d hear someone barging in through the emergency room, screaming at everyone to get down and firing off some warning gunshots. He closes his eyes and inhales to keep his composure. A gun to his head won’t really bother him.
“I’m afraid I don’t deal with patients who are still breathing,” he replies cooly. “As you can see, I was in the middle of something.”
“And this is what I’m here for. Partially.”
The intruder steps closer, Kakashi can almost feel him on his back. The doctor’s grip on the blade tightens but he knows he’d be risking tainting his perfectly clean floor with blood. For now, he doesn’t sense any actual desire to shoot from the stranger, so he stays still. The man reaches around him and he sees a hand wearing a black leather glove. The intruder grabs a piece of paper from his desk.
“See, this. I just need you to sign something like this for me.” The hot breath hits his ear and Kakashi barely stops a shudder.
“A death certificate?” The coroner looks at the blank sheet that the man waves in front of him. “That’s the most useless thing you could ask of me.”
“Now be a good doctor and sit down.” The stranger pushes his gun harder against Kakashi’s head. The barrel scrapes against his skin and it hurts. “Unless you want to end like that guy over there.”
“Am I to assume you’re the one who shot him?” The coroner sighs but does as told.
“Not me,” the intruder replies and places the piece of paper back on the desk. “One of my people.”
Kakashi looks at his scalpel one last time and sets it aside to grab a pen. He already thinks of a death certificate signed by him would both need a body and a recording to validate it. He decides it’s not worth arguing with a gun digging into his nape, though.
“What’s the name of the deceased?” He murmurs as the pen nib hovers over the first field to be filled up.
“Obito Uchiha,” the stranger replies. “The cause of death can be, I don’t know, being crushed by debris?”
“That’s not a medical reason.” Kakashi can’t help but roll his eyes. “Severe internal damage caused by a heavy weight.”
“Add a broken arm and leg while you’re at it,” the intruder barks out a crude laugh. “Or does it not even matter?”
“I don’t describe the actual extent of the damage. All I care about is that it’s enough to kill a man. And you can survive missing limbs. Time of death?”
“Isn’t that obvious?”
Kakashi feels the gun leave his head and he turns around to give the intruder a questioning - and first - look. He finally catches a glimpse of the man’s appearance and nearly winces seeing the scars marring the right side of his face. The doctor’s eyes quickly widen as the unwanted visitor puts his gun to his own head, still grinning.
“Right now.”
The coroner jumps to his feet as soon as he sees the finger pull the trigger. But the noise made by the chair scraping against the floor and falling over is the only sound in the room in the next few seconds. No gunshots, no blood splatters, no bodies collapsing.
Kakashi feels weak and grabs the chair to sit back down. He casts a glance back at the paper and leans in to grab the pen that fell out of his hand. It’s partially to hide his cheeks reddening in shame as the intruder roars with laughter.
“Aren’t you a fun one,” the stranger chuckles, lowering his gun. He doesn’t point it at the doctor again. “You looked so unimpressed by being held at gunpoint but as soon as I hinted shooting myself, you chickened out.”
“Asshole,” Kakashi mutters and writes down the current date and time. “So you're making me write your own death certificate? I would rather not deal with explaining why someone committed suicide here.”
“Don’t worry, no one is going to die here.” The dark-haired man pats the coroner’s back with enough force to make him groan. “Let’s finish this up quickly, alright?”
Obito dictates the date of birth and a few other less important yet necessary data. Kakashi fills every field in and finally grabs his stamp to verify the document. He doesn’t even take the pen off the paper and the certificate gets snatched from under his hand.
“Thank you so much for your cooperation.” The intruder folds the piece of paper and shoves it into the inner breast pocket of his jacket. “But there’s one more thing…”
He gives his weapon a meaningful look. The coroner isn’t dumb. As soon as anyone wants to confirm the authenticity of the death certificate, they’re going to call him. And Kakashi won’t lie then. So that makes him an inconvenient witness.
“Since that Obito Uchiha is alive, everyone will know I falsified it.”
“Oh, you’re not only a good doctor, you’re smart as well.” Obito touches Kakashi’s chin with his gun.
“I didn’t get this job by being pretty, you know,” Kakashi snorts humorlessly.
“Really?” The dark-haired man raises an eyebrow and hooks the front sight of the weapon on the edge of the doctor’s mask. He pulls it off and whistles. “And here I thought it was because of your looks alone. You’re quite a catch.”
The coroner feels tempted to somehow return the compliment. If he ignores the gun held by his face, the intruder doesn’t look half-bad. He’s got a dangerous aura to him, Kakashi can tell it’s not someone who earns his living an honest way.
Kakashi hears more commotion, this time coming from behind the wall. If he remembers correctly, that’s where the crematory is. Someone shouts something illegible but it doesn’t bother Obito who's still looking at the doctor’s face. If anything, his smile only grows.
“I told you, no one is going to die here,” he continues and wraps an arm around Kakashi’s waist. They both face the wall that gets blown up in an explosion just a moment later.
The coroner coughs when the dust fills the entire room and at first, can’t hear anything besides the ringing in his ears and some fragments of the building falling down. The stranger’s hold on him doesn’t subdue, however.
“Boss, we’ve got to get out of here! Zetsu said the cops are on their way!”
When Kakashi opens his eyes, he sees a hole that’s swapped places with the wall. His wonderful dissecting room is a mess now. But his attention is brought to a blonde man standing right behind the rubble, holding a bag of more explosives.
“Who the hell is that?” The younger man points at Kakashi with a grimace.
“Your new family doctor, Deidara,” Obito chuckles and pushes the coroner towards the hole. “Now, good doctor, you’re coming with us.”
“I don’t treat patients-”
Kakashi has no choice as the boss behind the entire commotion grabs his arm and pulls him towards his bulky body. The coroner makes a surprised sound as he feels one hand sneak right behind his knees and he’s lifted into a bride-style carry.
“You’ve already helped me out once, it won’t hurt to help me again.” Obito grins and squeezes Kakashi’s side with one hand.
The silver-haired doctor squirms and barely bites back an embarrassing whimper. He really has not planned his day to go this way. Even though the dark-haired man isn’t holding his gun anymore, Kakashi can tell he could subdue him or even kill with his bare hands. The coroner is much too frail to put up a fight against someone like Obito.
“I might make an exception,” he decides to sigh dejectedly and wraps one arm around his captor’s neck. He uses the other hand to poke the dark-haired man’s chest. “But only if you’re the one I’m going to treat.”
“Aren’t you a sweet one,” Obito replies with loud laughter. “So you’ll patch me up if I ever get shot?”
“I’ll even put on pretty pink band-aids and kiss the wounds,” Kakashi snorts to hold back his own laughter. He wonders if he’s starting to find this whole situation funny out of stress or if he genuinely finds Obito likeable.
“It’s a deal, then.”