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Grief lasts longer than the joy brought up by the swirling whirlpools of love- is what he had learnt at the ripe age of his much awaited freedom. At times he would ponder about the thin line between loving and hurting but just as the thoughts would come by, he would bury them deep inside the trenches of his very own foundation. The weight of someone's head against his shoulder, the feeling of someone's smile against his lips and intertwined hands that never let him stray further away- is all he had ever known.
So why was it that everytime someone asked him about love, his heart hurt a little too much?
"Imagine finding true love though - a once in a blue moon occurrence it must be." The woman in front of him muttered with a hint of sharpness in her tone. Her crimson painted lips held a slight grimace and her long oval earnings gleamed under the sunlight giving her an expensive look.
She reminded Jeongguk of a pricey and expensive dress, made out of fine Mulberry Silk, the kind of dress one would see displayed on a mannequin but as soon as their eyes would fall upon the price tag- they'd turn their head and walk away.
"Pardon me, but I do not follow what you are trying to imply?" he questioned. The sign of boredom was present all over his face. Countless faces and dates arranged by his mother had taken place- yet none of these women ever appealed to him. By the looks of it, it was obvious that the woman ( his newest arranged date) was annoyed by his lack of interest- as it was quite blatant that she was use to having all the spotlight on herself.
She straightened her posture more (if it was even possible) and ran a perfectly manicured hand over her blue dress and looked at him before continuing, "what I'm trying to say is- I do not understand the fascination surrounding love, why would someone stay bonded by the hoax of achieving a perfect love story in a place where there are no real feelings to begin with? I would never understand the concept of finding your other half."
Jeongguk couldn't help but let out a chuckle, "I get what you are trying to say yet I can't help but wonder how much of a blessing it must be to find someone that can be your nepenthe."
The woman pursued her lips into a thin line before taking another sip from the flute of champagne held in her hand. She had a look of genuine curiosity on her face, "well it seems to me that you are speaking from experience."
A wave of nostalgia washed over him, the smell of salty air and wildflowers filled his senses and he peered out of the large windows close to the well furnished table he was sitting on and glanced at the walking pedestrians. Most of them looked like working ants- trying to fit in a little bit of relief within their 9 to 6 jobs. The same old cycle of life kept on repeating itself up to a point where all the sharp colors faded into dull murky grey. The traffic lights on the other side of the road flared red and the traffic stopped- and he wondered if the trickling of those 60 seconds was the only break these working ants would get? He knew life didn't have a lot of pit stops hence, humans had to sit back and relax in only these short intervals.
Because when people become addicted to the process of overworking themselves- the difference between a machine and a breathing being loses it's sense.
Somewhere in the back of his mind Jeongguk was aware that he was trying to dodge the question that was directed to him but his heart didn't let him walk back to the path he had abandoned a long time ago for he knew that a part of him was addicted to the pain that sprung from reopening old wounds.
A deep sigh escaped his mouth and he looked back at her before a subtle smile graced his lips as he reminisced about the long forgotten times. "well, let's just say I was lucky enough to have a taste of young love."
His words brought a look of interest on the woman's face, "do enlighten me." She said before leaning back in her seat.
"it's a bit of a unique story." He mused.
"I'm all ears."
《□》
The silent shrills of the night ricocheted through the empty station as a hunched figure siting on the cold metal bench waited for the last train of the night to be graced by his ever so impatient presence.
In between the loud noise of the train's horn blowing in the vacancy and two pair of shoes walking towards the sliding door, two souls collided against each other. Deep inside the bundled up paths surrounding his heart- he felt a tug there, as dreamy as it may have sound- for a moment it felt like the whole world had stopped.
Love was a mere myth to many but salvation to some.
For a lost sailor who had sailed through seven oceans with blazing storms and a battered soul, finding a shore was his greatest victory.
For a nomad who had walked miles on the scorching sand underneath his bare feet, finding an oasis was his last plea.
For a boy with dewy eyes who grew up in a small town finding the most endearing grin and twinkling brown eyes was his root of finding pure bliss.
The first time Jeongguk had met Taehyung was ever so enchanting. They both had gazed at each other and they had known right there and then- that their lives will never be the very same.
Bewitching as it was, love never did come easy without causing havoc.
And so was the price of falling in love with another man.
They both had stood there on the empty platform for what felt like ages. Leaving without a trace imprinted on each other's heart seemed too painful.
A lighthearted conversation was struck, strands of hair were brushed back, shy smiles were returned and so their story had begun.
Living on the high end of the society was as cruel as the thieves of the night, for there was never a given time where when one could prepare themselves from being pushed down the edge. The judgmental stares felt like sharp daggers, the curses and words of wrath directed towards them always had a pointy end that pierced straight through the hearts of those whose biggest crime was falling in love.
Why was it that their love was considered a sin touched by the hands of devil himself? The forbidden bond formed between the souls of the same being was like a permanent crease formed between the borders separating heaven from hell.
Tie a woman with a man, thy kingdom come.
Tie a man with another man, or a woman with another woman, waves of fury arise, with an entirety of burning red in the darkest pits of hell.
But people don't like what they don't understand.
Why was it so hard to believe that one could fall in love with another man and share the same amount of affection and emotions as any other cherished soulmate?
So they buried those remarks 6 feet under the ground and stayed wrapped up in their own utopia where fallen leaves converted into flowers and stems of youth weaved through their bones like branches of trees rooted down to it's home.
With Taehyung, everyday was new. Nothing could ever turn tedious in his presence. The sound of his laugh was as beautiful as the chiming bells and the curve of his smile could turn the finest of the Michelangelo's sculptors seem dull. They would hold hands while walking down the aisles of books in the void of their most happy place -the library.
Jeongguk would rest his head on Taehyung's shoulder, as his lover would recite him his favorite poems. Each word would take him to a different place, holding him close to a warm embrace.
"Why do you like Coleridge so much?" he asked Taehyung one day.
"He has a way with words, many boast about being born with the talent of making readers feel emotions through their words but only some are truly blessed with it." He said with a soft smile.
And that was the thing about his Taehyung. He was sort of an enigma, a paradox of unexplored and uncharted territories- that only a few people could understand.
To Jeongguk, His dearest was like a serene expression eclipsing the face of a toddler. He was like a fresh drop of rain in the middle of a summery day, like the tranquil and misty mountains stretched out in acres of land that only some had the chance to traverse. He was everything ranging from warmth and chaos, with childlike curiosity of knowing more and flames of passion attached deeply to earth's very core.
He was like an old indie record that one would love to rewind over and over again just to catch a glimpse of what life tastes like when you are nothing but a fool who only knows how to love and get hurt but despite all the little indifferences, all of it came together in the middle to form a masterpiece filled with colors and moments of peace.
and that for him was his home.
A home that he could go back to every time the crowded world felt a little too much. Taehyung was his breather, his most precious treasure. Someone who he could share all his worries to without feeling the heaviness of feeling judged. He was his sweet escape. Every time he would be pulled into a hug and a soft hush of 'everything is gonna be okay' was whispered against his ear- he knew that in the end he had won the lifelong battle of feeling alone.
Their mornings were filled with steaming cups of coffee and inside jokes. Urgent runs to the bus stop and midday breaks in their favorite bakery. Afternoons were spent strolling around the large city that to them could shrink and squeeze right into their palms because for once they thought they had it all. Nights were never dark for there was always a new piece of music that would play around them as Taehyung would paint and Jeongguk would just sit and stare at him with a look of adoration and everytime his beloved would blush and ask him what was so captivating about him, Jeongguk would simply chuckle and say 'you are the finest piece of art and all I'm doing is admiring it'
Jeongguk had heard from his grandmother from a small age that god had crafted his creation in the shape of humans by making them whole but when he had seen the demons of war, hunger and power rise from the dust disguised as flesh and bones- god felt betrayed and as a punishment he split every soul into two parts- starting a hunt for every individual to find their other half and thus the legend of soulmates was introduced.
Hearing all these fantasy driven stories from a young age gave him hope that maybe someday he will be able to find his fated love too but what his grandmother had failed to tell him was that soulmates never did follow the path of old religious inscriptions, souls never did engrave the norms of genders into their coding - starting with the saying 'blind for love'
the moments they had spent together were like a collection of memories that one could open on a gloomy day as a reminder that there lies a treasure chest at the end of every rainbow.
the tell-tale glimmer of Taehyung's warm eyes would remind Jeongguk of all the knights and pirates that were the heroes of his childhood dreams and narratives.
after all he was his saving grace.
"Look up at the sky love." Taehyung had once said while nudging his shoulder to break him out of his trance.
Jeongguk had tilted his head to see the breathtaking sight of the sunset submerging down to it's conquest, giving space for the moon to arise from it's sleep. The hues of pink, orange, yellow and red had taken over the entire sky making it look like a scene straight out of Apotheosis of Hercules. The only thing missing were the angels.
But taking a quick peek at the boy standing close to him made Jeongguk believe that there was no need for the angels to glide through the mountain peaks of clouds because the angel that was the most dearest to his heart was standing right beside him.
"The clouds look like huge hills made out of cotton candy." Taehyung had said with a dazzling smile.
Jeongguk couldn't help but snort at the words, "Darling I'm pretty sure that the clouds don't taste like cotton candy."
"How can you be so sure? have you ever tasted a cloud?" his lover teased.
"Well scientifically speaking-"
He was cut off by a hand covering his mouth, enabling him to finish his monologue.
"For once let's pretend that the clouds taste like sugary candies. Let me be a dreamer my love."
And a dreamer he was. Always putting his own quirky meanings to the mundane things, always giving each and every story his own little twist.
every single word that fall out of his kindred spirit's mouth struck endless chords inside Jeongguk's out of tune heart. it was the way he would put all his passion and tenderness into the paintings he painted, the sculptors he carved, the gentle fingers he used to play piano with and the way he would always dive head first without any safety not even caring about the scratches and bruises that would bloom in a new sun's awakening.
He would always scold Taehyung- while tending to his scars- to be more careful and look out for the fiends that had a cloak of 'friends' slithered around their skin. but his Taehyung was always too kind, never raising his voice at another being and thanking people for the bare minimum.
Jeongguk would admonish him saying, 'Everyone is not as sweet as they pretend to be, you have to watch out for the evilness that lurks around every corner of the street.'
The universe is crowded by such entities.
You see life is like a ball of yarn, as easy as it might seem, the thread may get tangled up within it’s own complexity and one might take hours and hours to get rid of the knots, in the end all they will receive would come in the form of weak and fragile thread that'd break apart with a single pull.
and that's how relationships are sewed together with various threads, all coming together to create a tapestry of life-long lessons that teach you about everything and nothing all at the same time.
and just like a thread, some relationships are prone to snap.
it had happened one cold winter evening. He could still remember that day as if it was tattooed by an invisible ink all over his skin.
"I'm tired of hiding in my own shadows." Taehyung had told him with a shaky breath and quivering lips.
the words had felt like a bucket of cold water against bare skin.
"What are you trying to say?" Jeongguk had asked him with knitted brows.
"Don't you get it? I'm sick of hiding this relationship. I can't even hold your hand without people giving us questioning glances. for how long do you think I can bottle up all my emotions before bursting? this is absurd! every time my parents ask me if I'm with someone, I can't even muster up the courage to tell them that I have only ever been attracted to men. The society considers us as a ‘disease’ that can only be cured by falling down on our knees to pray the lord for some mercy. Which you and I both know is not the case. I am so so tired of living like this."
during times like this he wished his lover would have just stayed a dreamer.
but that's the haunting truth about reality.
you have to open your eyes to remember that life is anything but a gentle drop of serein.
"Then what do you want me to do? tell the whole world that I'm in love with another man? because we both know that this is a secret that is whelved down to our being, if someone get's a slight whiff of it, we both won't even have the tranquil moments behind closed doors that we do now."
it was blatant to see that society would point their fingers at them for being different and going against a pattern that people blindly followed for centuries. Jeongguk knew there were others like them who could never show their true selves to the world so they opted for putting on a mask to blend in with the crowd.
"Then maybe I too should pretend to be 'normal'. This relationship has taken a toll on me, there is no future for us, so we might as well become what we truly never wished to be."
and he'd always regret not fighting for his love.
"Then maybe we are just two broken dolls that will lay forgotten under someone's throne."
and the thread had broken apart.
《□》
The woman in front of him had a veil of unshed tears in her eyes
"What happened next?" she questioned him.
Jeongguk let out a bitter sweet laugh, "Well that was the end of us."
he couldn't make out what was going on in her head after all he certainly did disclose the most vulnerable side of him that he'd sworn to not tell a single soul about.
but for how long can one truly pretend?
"Do you both still keep in touch?" she asked after a pause.
"Well considering that I was invited to his wedding, I'd say that we are still at least friends."
The statement made her look at him with a certain pained expression. after all no one could ever watch the love of their life in someone else's arms.
"Is that why you asked me out for a dinner? to put up a facade of being interested in women?"
Jeongguk shook his head, "Maybe to you it might seem that way, I'm not interested in falling in love with anyone. My pitcher of love is full and by no means am I ever going to make it overflow. You simply asked me about my tragedy and I shared it with you. We humans are funny creatures, you see- sometimes I think animals are better than us, at least they don't care about genders and who one should fall for."
The woman sighed, "I'm not putting you down, although I do wish you had found your happy ending."
"There's no point of having a wishful thinking. When I was with him I had slowly morphed into a dreamer but after we both went our own ways I realised that ambiguous endings are better than the overrated happy endings we see in movies and tell our kids through fairy tales. At least my ending remains unclear for the time being, I still hold the power to divert it towards any curve and any path because this is my story and I'm writing it without sugar coating anything and I will definitely be the only one who will put a full stop to it."
The end