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How long had it been?
Exactly when was it?
Who knew.
Zhongli didn’t appear too anyways.
He graced me with a small smile as I sat down at our usual table.
“Hello Childe, all is well with you I’m hoping?”
I didn’t understand how he could act like this; how could he always manage to act like everything was alright?
Nothing was alright.
Wasn’t he scared?
“Of course! And how is my favorite beggar?” I asked with fake pep, eyes shutting as I plastered on a smile. Zhongli simply chuckled and hummed, picking up his tea and blowing on it lightly.
We sat and ate and drank like we always do, talking about whatever came to mind. I more than often found myself lost while going off on a tangent about some new mission or dumb recruit. And he would just smile, eyes crinkled and body relaxed.
He was looking at me with love.
And it scared me.
Yet for a moment, I was in a trance, watching his every move. From the way, his eyes traveled me up and down, then to someone walking by. A gloved finger traced the rim of his cup as he watched everything, including me.
He had seen so much.
Yet he still continues to watch.
So, he would still continue to get hurt?
It didn’t make sense to me.
Why would he risk getting hurt? I mean, it’s one thing if it's physical but emotional pain is something completely different. And yet, here he was.
Risking it.
For me.
My jaw clenched and I bit my tongue.
That was a pain I could deal with.
We finished our drinks and left, and just like that, Zhongli added one more cup of tea to a thousand years’ worth of drinking it.
“Don’t you ever get tired of drinking the same thing?” I asked, voice barely above a whisper. I doubt anyone could hear it over the bustle of city life.
But he did.
With one hand come up to his chin in thought and the other propped against his chest he seemed to think it over.
“While I can’t deny that sometimes I wish to try something else, I always find myself making my way back to tea like a long-lost friend, particularly that shop's blend. Though I’m sure you know I do in fact drink other things, just the other night we had a bottle of Osmanthus w-“
Maybe I was just overreacting but I couldn’t stop the pain in my chest when he compared it to an old friend.
I can’t even blame him, I shouldn’t blame him, but it hurt.
When you lay it all out, I was new. I was young to him. Probably just a fad or a phase he wanted to try out before I grow old and he moves on and forgets about me.
Would he forget about me as he forgot about everyone else? Is that how he smiles? Does he just erase them from his memory?
Am I going to be erased?
Was It selfish to say I didn’t want to be?
By the time I looked up at him, his head was titled with confusion.
“Is everything alright Childe? You look a bit pale.”
Laughing, I shrugged.
“Oh, you know us Snezhnayans, we do tend to be pretty pale.”
That sounded fake even to me. Zhongli continued to stare at me for a moment, then he lifted his hand slowly.
“Well,” He began as he brought his gloved hand to my cheek. And more than anything I wanted to bury my whole face in that hand. It was warm, and it smelled good. Like Zhongli, it felt safe. “When you are ready to talk about it, I will be happy to listen to you.”
I gulped.
He noticed.
Quickly averting my eyes to anywhere but him he laughed and gave my cheek one last caress.
I didn’t want it to end.
Zhongli began walking again and I followed, over the smaller bridge in Liyue next to the big tree, and wherever else his steps led me.
Barely even watching where we were going and simply following him based on the sound of his steps, I was ignoring years of training.
I was completely oblivious to everything but him.
The way his steps sounded, his light breathing, and even the swishing of his long hair.
If I listened hard enough, could I hear his heart?
No, I wouldn’t be able to. Considering he doesn’t have one.
He had a gnosis at one point, but it was taken, and I helped take it.
Sort of anyway.
So, what did he use to feel? What made him have emotions?
It couldn’t just be the brain, because the logical part of it saying it was a bad idea to be near me must have been louder. It would have to be louder. After centuries upon centuries of seeing the ones he cared about get hurt and die, or just grow old… I’m sure his mind was begging him not to do it again.
Maybe that’s how he forgets. He just feels so much until his brain shuts down and erases all harmful data.
I did not want to do that to him, I’ve already caused him pain, been a disturbance in his life.
I should leave.
For Zhongli, right? It would be better that way, for him.
Logically, that would be right. I finally found someone other than my family I want to prioritize above me and yet, doing the right thing, even thinking about it, hurts so bad.
Feeling my face twist in despair a hand subconsciously went to my chest.
Why did it hurt so bad?
For once I want to do the right thing but I’m just too selfish to even try.
Pathetic. I am absolutely pathetic.
“Childe,” his soothing voice rang out, and yet I refused to meet his gaze. Focusing instead of his outstretched hand. “Sit with me.”
We were at a pond, not necessarily large but so beautiful.
I must have nodded and taken his hand because the next thing I knew, I was closer to the shimmering water.
The koi in the pond skimmed along the top of the water, undoubtedly passerby’s had taken to feeding them.
They were just acting in a way in which they were used to getting attention.
How they would get rewarded for.
“Why should fish have to get rewarded? They’re just fish.” My own voice startled me with how much spite it had laced into it, eyebrows furrowing as I drew back.
Zhongli's hand still held mine, and he began stroking the back of my own with his thumb. A small laugh coming from him.
“You’re in a rather odd mood today, Childe. Are you ready to talk about it?”
He was treating me like a child.
Treating me like my stupid name.
Then again, I was a child to him. Probably nothing more than a few passing days.
I was no one to him, nothing.
So, I shook my head and did my best to force a smile back on my face.
“I have absolutely no idea what you mean,” I said in mock offense. “I am my perfectly normal amazing self, thank you very much. I just think these fish are getting a bit too entitled.” Finishing, I huffed out a breath and tried to pout as much as I could with one arm.
“Childe, do you feel as if you cannot trust or talk to me?”
Oh.
Wincing, I took a look at the Archon. His face was scrunched up as if he had been reading a book he didn’t understand.
What was I doing? Why was I behaving like this?
What was wrong with me?
He looked at me with all the love and care and the world yet here I was, practically begging him to stop.
Rationalizing it on the false pretenses that I didn’t want him to get hurt but that was absolutely idiotic.
Only a fool would fall for that. And Zhongli was no fool.
I was the only one who believed it, and even now I could feel it getting harder and harder to tell myself it was the truth.
He shouldn’t put himself through pain. He shouldn’t get attached to me. I shouldn’t let him get too close to me.
I never should have taken this stupid job. I should be home with Teucer, Tanya, and all the others. Keeping them safe there instead of failing at my job and making lovey-dovey eyes at an immortal.
“I’m mortal, Zhongli. Don’t you understand?”
“Of course, I do. What is not to be understood?”
I could feel them, the hot angry tears that were welling up in my eyes despite my protests.
I had no reason to cry, no right. Yet here I was, biting my cheek so hard I could taste blood as I willed the tears not to fall with all my might.
It hurt. So much more than any physical pain.
“You’re going to forget about me.” It was out. “And really I can’t blame you I mean you’re immortal how else could you not just be sad all the time but, Zhongli, I don’t want you-“ I was rambling. And I couldn’t stop. “It’s not right of me to subject you to this so If I just leave you won’t have to feel anything when I die because unlike you, I will die.” The laugh that came out of me was near hysteric and despite the intense grip from Zhongli’s hand in my own, I could barely feel it.
“So, if I just report back to Snezhnaya you don’t ever have to think about me and”
So I wouldn’t have to think about him.
“And it would be for the better. Don’t you think?” I took a breath, probably the first one I had taken since I started talking.
“One thing,” Zhongli started. “I wish, mortals would learn sooner is that they really don’t need to lie all the time.” His hand loosened in mine and fell beside it. I instantly wanted the lost warmth back.
“But, I will not coerce you into something you are not ready for.” Fingers came to my chin and tilted my head back. Golden eyes stared into mine and for the first time, they were sad.
Unbearably so.
As if one suddenly remembered that everyone, they ever cared for was gone. Though for him, this was true.
Selfishly, the tears I had been trying so hard to hold in, finally began to fall.
His other hand came to wipe the tears away, so much gentleness and absolute adoration was imbued into that single touch it made me want to cry more.
It scared me.
Why would someone have that much love for me?
How was I supposed to act back?
Would they hurt me?
All my life I had been raised to care about a few select few, I thought I was just keeping my enemies close when it came to Zhongli.
That’s what I had been telling myself.
So why did it hurt to not be around him? And why does it hurt to see him sad? And why does it hurt the worst to know I’m the one who made him feel so pained?
And more than anything, why does it cause me absolute agony to know I will simply be forgotten after my death, why does it hurt so much to know I will mean nothing to him one day?
“I do not wish for you to cry like this. It pains me to see the one I love in so much pain.”
A sob racked throughout my entire body and I wanted to run away and hide myself.
Somewhere that no one can get into so I could be alone and comfort myself.
I had done it plenty of times. Running off to some faraway corner to lick my wounds in private. Like some stray animal.
Love isn’t something I could give back, not something I knew how to give back. It was reserved for my family and the feeling of fighting.
Fighting was easy to love, the outcomes were easy to understand. You either win or lose, but in the end, you always grow stronger.
That’s why I loved it; it was simple.
Love itself though, was completely foreign to me when directed towards anyone but my family.
I had been taught that if someone loves you, they’re going to be expecting something.
What could I give Zhongli?
For the first time in my life, I met someone that I couldn’t just easily one-up. I couldn’t just woo and carry on with my day.
Zhongli had me beat in every single aspect. And it scared me to death.
The fact that I wanted to be held by someone else for the first time in my life caught me by the throat and shook me around.
I held other people; it was as simple as that. Those I cared about; I took care of. Not the other way around.
Yet Zhongli, had mentioned multiple times that he would protect me.
Thinking about it made me shiver. It was so easy for him to say. No doubt in his mind that he could do it. Just a simple: “If ever the occasion should arise, I will keep you safe, Ajax.”
The way he used my real name with ease and a steady voice, and the fact that we had just been talking about random stuff when he said anything like that for the first time.
Not long after that did, I kiss him.
Maybe it was just because I was overwhelmed, or because no one had ever said that to me. But I leaned over and kissed him with tears in my eyes.
And he was just so,
Comforting.
He patted my back and laid me on his chest. Kissed my head and whispered sweet nothings to me. It was all so perfect it felt like it had been planned.
Maybe it was.
That doesn’t change the fact that I spent the most intimate moment of my life with the very man I considered an enemy.
“Like me, you’ve grown tired.” He said in a near whisper, “why don’t we share some of our responsibilities with each other, hm?”
All I could do was nod as I continued to lay on his chest, eyes slipping closed as the sound of his voice.
It sounded so nice, to be able to not have to do everything... or at least have someone to vent to. Anything was better than nothing.
And Zhongli was the only person to offer me more than nothing.
But now, I’m sitting here crying while the person I love is looking at me as if I just ripped his heart out. I wanted to talk to him, tell him what was going through my head. That I was just scared and needed him to comfort me like he often did.
I wanted to open up to him, put all my thoughts and feelings on display.
My mouth wouldn’t open though.
Despite all the nights we had spent just holding onto one another, running our hands through one another’s hair, and recalling stories of the pain we’ve gone through… at this moment. I couldn’t speak.
My body was still urging me to run away. That this wouldn’t last forever and I would soon be hurt more than I had ever been.
Zhonglis’ grip tightened on my chin.
“Ajax, tell me what you are thinking.”
No reply.
“Look at me.”
No.
His hand loosened and fell. I heard him stand up, dusting off his clothes. I felt him look down at me.
“You know that I love you, Ajax.”
‘Only because you forget about everyone else.’ My mind thought viscously. ‘Like you’ll forget about me.’ It supplied shortly after.
I wrapped my arms around myself and shivered. The thought of being forgotten by the only person who had ever loved you, I didn’t want to feel it.
The golden-eyed God crouched down next to me and spoke quietly:
“You have made me feel things I haven’t felt in thousands of years. For the first time since Guizhong, I found someone I wanted to pour my whole self into.”
Who? I asked myself.
“More than that though, you gave me new feelings. Ones I didn’t know existed. You, a mortal, taught a God something. You are so wise but I think you don’t even understand your own pain and feelings.”
He stood up, and for a moment, said nothing.
“You are young, I cannot fault you for that. But I will wait however long you need me to. Until then,”
Wait.
Wait,
Wait.
My lips started trembling as I urged my mouth to open and start speaking. I couldn’t even manage to look up at him though.
Zhongli took a deep breath in and sighed.
“Until then,” He repeated somberly. “I will continue to remember you. The way you smile, the way you look, the way you feel.”
Speak, I told myself desperately, tears coming down my face hot and fast.
“Like everyone else, I will remember you.”
I looked up.
What a fool I was.
He remembered them.
He remembered everything.
It was clear on his face.
Tears were silently streaming down, lips quivering and eyes full of regret and pain.
“Being an immortal,” He said shakily, “Certainly has its downfalls it would seem.”
And with that, he vanished.
And I was alone once again. Alone like always. Like I should be.
This is how I should be.
But that didn’t stop my hands from shaking, or the tears from falling, or the feeling of my heart being split in two.
Nor did it stop the hideously pained scream that left my body as I realized I made the most idiotic mistake of my entire life.