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"Please share this with the whole Port Mafia and everyone else, for what they did to me is something that can never be forgotten, even to the dead."
Dazai couldn't do it anymore, not even Chuuya could save him right now. All he wanted to do was fall of a building to his death, nothing else seemed worth it anymore. He couldn't exactly find a cause as to why he became so focused on dying, but it gave him something to hyperfixation. He had a plan to execute, however he still wanted to write letters to the 3 people who changed his life the most: Kunikida, Atsushi, and of course, his lover Chuuya.
Dear Kunikida,
Hey there. I know this probably sudden, and for that I'm sorry. If you are reading this, then you probably know that I am no longer alive. I know you hate papers and work being late, but this will be my last assignment ever with the agency. I know, I know your probably thinking something along the lines of "wow, Dazai is leaving, why?". Well, truth be told, I'm leaving the region, hell I'm leaving the country as a whole. It is so much you don't know about me, like for example, I'm ambidextrous when it comes to writing. I know that it seems as though this is coming out the blue, but I've been planning this for the last couple of months during my off time, which is why it took so long to put together. I know there are probably a million things running through your head right now that you don’t know how to filter through, and that is something that will be healed only with time.
- Dazai
Dear Atsushi,
Hey buddy, it's your BFF and long-time partner in crime. You might be kinda lost as to what is going on here, I mean did you even know I knew how to write letters? Not the point, I just wanted to tell you how much I loved seeing you grow. Watching you go from a withdrawn kid to a strong leader filled me with so much pride that I don’t think there are enough words for it. So let me say it one more time: I’m proud of you. Always have been, always will be. I'm going away for a while, not just a week, or month, or even 5 years, I'm just leaving. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you earlier, but I knew you would try and stop me. there are some things in this world that we can’t control, and I guess this was one of them. Please don’t hold it against me, for you'll always be in my heart.
- Dazai
Dear Chuuya,
Your letter is the last one I'm going to write. Now, you are probably confused as to what the hell I mean by "last one I'm going to write", and to tell you the truth, I lied in all the others but yours. I told everyone else that I'm just leaving the country, running away from all my problems, but to be honest, I just simply want to float. You’ve always thought too much for your good, but I think that was one of the first reasons I had for falling in love with you. I still don’t know how you’re a real person, for all the kindness you have treated me with is something millions of people could never payback. You have given me, this soulless body with no hopeful future something I had been venturing to find for years, and for that, I am forever and always indebted to you.
-Dazai
Kunikida,
You are like the sun, something that shines and glows and only sometimes gets covered by clouds, but you always find a way out. You are the sun that never goes out and somehow managed to shine yourself into my life, and for that I am beholden. I started realizing long ago how much you shined, from the way you helped me through the nights where I couldn't catch my breath, to the days where you made me laugh until I was on the floor crying. - Dazai
Atsushi,
You made every night that was unbearable to me that much better, and I could never repay you. Even if I stayed here and worked my whole life, I wouldn't be able to even repay you 1/3 of what you did for me. Even back when you first started working for the agency, you also have this aura around you that I still cannot describe to this day. It was filled with so much life, so much lust and drive for what you were doing. That was the day I realized we were opposites.
- Dazai
Chuuya,
You were the greatest soulmate I ever could have asked for. Thank you, for being the greatest thing that ever could have happened to me. Your brain, your heart, and every other part of you I can easily say I love with my whole heart. Every day I’m grateful for the higher power that brought you into my life and declared us soulmates.
- Dazai
Kunikida,
There is so much about my early life that you and I can relate to. To start, we both had a rough upbringing, yours being more related to trauma centered around how you grew up/parents, while mine dealt with the early stages of joining the Mafia and all of that shit. However, we both shared a bond over that, and though it seemed weird to everyone else, it seemed almost natural to both of us. I have to give you credit though, you helped me be able to open up to everyone at the agency, it really helped show everyone how I can be human. This life almost is like running across rooftops, one wrong step and you could fall, yet you keep running anyways just because.
- Dazai
Atsushi,
I know that the beginning stages of your life were very onerous, and no matter how much you try and suppress those feeling, they will never fully go away. It's something you are gonna have to live with and deal with until you have your final, dying to breathe. The best thing you could do is just simply live, which I know sounds dumb coming from a dead guy, but frankly, it will save you in the long run, or however long you continue living for. I guess you could say I'm a pessimist when it comes to life, never seeing the point or drive to want to inhale or exhale.
- Dazai
Chuuya,
The world is larger than us, though I'm sure you already knew this. No matter what happens in your life, I'll always be in your heart. Even though we haven't been like this for long, you've stuck around in my life longer than anyone else. I know it took me quite a long time opening up, like a sealed envelope that had something so irreplaceably valuable inside and you just wanted to see what was inside. You finally got the envelope open anyways, only for all of the paper to fall out, crash against your feet. Yet here you are, picking up the letters that had fallen into the depths of my brain, saving the best parts of me. You picked me up when no one else would, but what will you do when I leave like I am right now?
- Dazai
Kunikida,
I know you’re sad, or angry, or however else you’re feeling, but you’re also stronger than you think you are, and I know you can keep moving forward. Remember when we first met? It was my first day at the agency, and you showed me around, talking about the history and whatnot. You had this gleam on your facing, clearly excited that you got a recruit. You told me that I was the first new member in almost two years, you didn't care about what happened to me in the past or anything like that. You accepted me with open arms, wanting to show me the ropes and bragging all about how great the agency is. For once in my life, I felt wanted. - Dazai
Atsushi,
Throughout our lives, you have taught me more than anyone else I've ever known. I remember when you first arrived, pulling up in a white SUV, your terrified face was the first thing I ever saw of you. You looked like a scared kitten, only wanting to run home and crawl into a hole of darkness. The second you got out of the car, you tried to book it out and you put up a good fight, but considering Kunikida use to run track in high school, you were doomed to lose at the start. The course of your life changed that day, almost like you were looking through new eyes. Oh, how much you've evolved as a person in society since arriving, and I know that I've already talked about this earlier in this letter, but you've changed so much Atsushi. There's so much I wanted to teach you, only my time was running out while you were running away from your demons.
- Dazai
Chuuya,
Do you remember when we first met? I bet you don't, you were about four back then, and considering how much of an old man you are, it's no wonder your memory is so shot. I was just walking down the street getting ice cream from some hippy stand when I saw you, you had just gotten accidentally ran into it, which made you drop your chocolate cone. The face you made, almost like someone killed your family cat in front of your eyes of something; a bloodshot, tear-stained, and a just overall distressed kid. I only remember that face you made that day simply because I have never (to this day) seen anyone seem so upset about anything ever. Even when I worked for the Mafia, no one ever cried as much as you had that day. We experience death to a whole new degree, but even then, I have never seen such a face in my life since that day. Is that the face your making now? You know that that wasn't the goal Chuuya, my goal was to free myself, and I did it at any cost. I know you can keep moving forward. So move on, for me. Try and be happy, become the Mafia's leader, maybe even fall in love again. Don’t let me hold you back. Know that I’d want you to do whatever it takes to put a smile back on your face.
- Dazai
Kunikida,
I can't even find joy in the things that I used to love... I did try, I really did. I'm not even feeling guilty about the mess I will leave behind because screw everyone, right? Or just hanging myself sounds good too, I am sure Chuuya won't be that proud of his victorian white ceiling bullshit thing anymore. The colors already melted Kunikida, and without color, nothing seems bright anymore. Disgusting little lies, crawling like a spider, tearing his throat apart, should I just eat a spider ? One that will eat him from the inside? Maybe I already ate one, and it's just slowly killing me from the inside out? I've always had the saying of "It's just one step to do it, one step to make it real, one step to make it all gone, one step to disappear" in the back of my head before we even met. My heart is currently a war, fighting for the will to stay alive, not just for you or Chuuya or for Atsushi. My heart is devoured in this mess, the inescapable mess that is both my heart and brain.
- Dazai
Atsushi,
I'm never alone, even when nobody is nearby. I had a favorite phrase growing up, "Always that same smile, Fake, Use it, Put on your mask, Don't let them see." While it seems depressing, I promise you it only helped me develop into the person I am today, though when you are reading this, I guess you could say that the crown has fallen. Even throughout the course of our (your current) lives/life thus far, it's as though the facade has never fallen, the wall had never even been chipped yet. Oh Atsushi, you don't get how much I wanted to break down the wall myself! I just wanted to let people in, to finally see the real me, and you couldn't even put a dent in it! It killed me how much you tried breaking down my walls, but considering how high your's currently stands, it's no shock that you couldn't even make a small concave in me. But anyways, I shall digress now, for talking about meaningless matters like this is only a waste of time.
- Dazai
Chuuya,
The world is smaller than we believe it is. I’ve been gone for so long I can’t even remember who I am anymore. The pain of living the past years unfree in a very body that isn’t mine have taken their toll and ghosts have come out and started to play. Please, please don’t blame yourself for this. I knew it had been onerous on you the instant I told you that I came out to you, that you just couldn’t perceive the changes that I was going through, the pain behind my eyes that told a story thus shut and so close to home. You said I was strong, but in the end, I just got tired of fighting and couldn’t take it any longer. Please know that I love you and I don’t wanna hurt you anymore. Whether there is a heaven or hell or just simple nothingness awaiting me, I'm ready for whatever will come my way. You have no idea how much it meant to have you in my life. We did have our rough spot where I pushed you away, and yet you came back to me. I never deserved your love and yet you gave it to me. You showed me how beautiful I could be, you took a chance on me and brought me happiness unimaginable. That night when we went out on the town was the happiest I have ever been, I nearly cried myself to sleep that night from happiness. No one will ever know how happy you made me. Every time we talked you saved me. My ghosts just caught up to me after hunting me down for so many years. You will love again, you’ll find someone to give you all the love that I never could and you will be happy. Just remember that for a while, you were my love. This is the hardest goodbye, though this letter isn't done yet. It wasn’t supposed to be this way, but you saw the same pain… please know I tried so hard for you, you bought me the borrowed time I needed to get this far.
- Dazai
Kunikida,
I know after you first had me joining you were concerned. Between codes and system crashes, you watched me grow to where you had me, and I know you were trying to get me ready to take your place. I do know you told me way back to not let this job consume me, but it did. Please know that your friendship and leadership was the best thing I could ever ask for. I probably would have literally followed you to the gates of hell and beyond. It will take time to put things right, but i do know the company will still be in good hands as long as you’re head. I try and not ask for much, but please confirm that the next generation at the agency knows that they’re not alone. Protect Atsushi and Chuuya on behalf of me , albeit Chuuya will presumably say that he's fine and won't cry, he will at some point in time. Whatever kept me going before, it's powerful, and that made me feel amazing, just completely lulled, everything is gone, nothing to spare, nothing to lose. It’s beautiful. Almost sort of a sad song. It seems like that, like that tremendous feeling it creates would almost make anyone cry, it is so serene. Listen, I’ve obviously being sarcastic. I hate myself now. I always have, but I’m sick to my stomach now. It feels worse than it ever has been. The emotions to run away became imminent again, and for the last time, I’m getting to just run with it. Last time, last resort, last feelings of guilt surfacing. It’s gonna be the last everything. I feel worse about the current me than I did about my old self, and I think it's time to leave. Honestly, there's nothing better than just getting up and leaving everything. But loss… when you lose something, you instantly become aware of the now vacant space in your life that was once filled with something beautiful -- even if that something beautiful was only the dream of having that which you now know you won’t have. And it hurts.
- Dazai
Atsushi,
It’s time for me to move on. The life, I’m fulfilling now, is not part of your business. The reason why I wrote this letter, is because I feel like none of you will actually care, I addressed the people in this letter that I thought cared the least and so I used them in this to emphasize how little my life means. I don’t get how I can go from such peace and serenity to such Agony and heartbreak in a matter of hours. If you are reading this, I want you to know. I love you platonically so much, and I need you to stay and continue on with the agency no matter how hard it gets. You're probably thinking about how much of a hypocrite I am for saying to "keep living" and stuff when I did not in fact do that myself, but our lives are structured differently ; your childhood and mine were too opposite scenarios. So, keep living for me, keep going for me, and though this letter isn't complete, when it is, it will be final. The permanency of these words will live on in the back of your brain for forever, and you'll either hate me for it or treasure it until your final breath. I really want you to know that life isn’t exactly the best thing to happen to me. So I want you to not worry about me in the least, and please be happy. Try to be the best people you can possibly be.
- Dazai
Chuuya,
I know I’m acting all prestige and I seem like I’m a real pushover, just pushing a pencil, and not having the courage to tell you to your face, but it’s the end of the line for me. If you come after me, you will find nothing, everything is set up perfectly, and nobody will find anything. I thank you for being there for me when you were, and when you weren't, I thank you for that as well. It allowed me to grow and to be a more mature person, as I was able to become a better person, as regards aspects that you taught me. I’ve been through some shit, and I have seen only one of the doors that led me out of this hell house. But, it only led me to an empty room. Nothing else. And then, I started seeing other doors. A white door, and it was cracked open. I took a peak in it, and I have seen everyone at the agency, sitting at a park, having a picnic. I wasn't there, and everyone else was smiling and having a good time. It was a though I was completely washed from their memories, which frankly wouldn't be such a bad idea as of now. You might think I'm a coward, weak and crazy to take such a step but believe me, I tried as hard and as long as I could to carry on with life as normal as possible. I couldn't act anymore, my tears won't stay trapped for long enough for me to get in a bathroom and break down. I am getting exposed, people are getting aware of my grief. They are getting their share of entertainment with my life stories. No one is willing to give me the comfort I desperately seek. Please don't think I'm blaming everyone, I just expect too much and hurt myself in return.
- Dazai
Kunikida,
My life was short and ended brutally, most people struggle through most of the time anyways I’d call that usually. Most people can’t bring themselves to throw in the towel. Wheel of fortune spin for the win, let’s take a chance and I'll buy a vowel. I’m pissed and I also feel dissed so this is my final bow. I’m off to see the wizard I'm off to see the great. I’ll make sure and let him know how cruel you all were and how you thrived and feasted on straight hate. Nowadays, writing letters like this is rare, however I figured that you needed an explanation. Truthfully, I couldn't care one way or another, but I figured that you needed some type of closure considering your always in your head, thinking everything is/was your fault. Well Kunikida, I promise you until my dying day (get it?) that this is in no way your fault, frankly you kept me alive when I felt as though being thrown off a rooftop would be a better option. I am leaving a world to which I never truly belonged or fit in. Don't weep on behalf of me, or mourn my passing. I say this not because I expect to be missed, but to permit those that truly didn't care continue with their lives with a clean conscience and dry eyes. I do know you don’t want to weep for me. So don’t. But I do ask you to pay attention to the final words of a boy who has taken charge of her own destiny.
- Dazai
Atsushi,
If I’m planning to address people who belittled me, I’d be remiss if I did not include the people in my life. I suppose that’s not entirely accurate, because the ones I ask fall in two basic categories: those that refused to be in my life, and people who I might rather have excluded from my life. Within the former category is everyone from the Port Mafia, whom used me for their own pleasure and threw me away, humiliating me in front of I don’t know how many other members. Within the latter category are too many to say, though I have to single out Akutagawa for his tremendous dedication to the reason behind destroying any shred of self-esteem I would dare to foster. Why couldn't he accept the things that make others different instead of insisting everyone conforms to his own will? Kenji Miyazawa often would greet me and ask about my life. Not that I ever felt comfortable enough ever talk to him anything; I never trusted him enough to offer him the possibility. What was the purpose? Did you actually give a damn about the supposedly annoying, loud, weird kid who happened to use to work with you? Or was it all about creating an illusion that you simply care, just to ensure my assistance on missions and task? I can only imagine one person during this world who will truly be sad at my parting. Atsushi, you talked me out of this decision 3 times before. That's why I didn't tell you anything this point , and why I'm doing this in secret, alone. I wish you were coming with me on this great adventure, into the ultimate frontier. Wherever I'm going, yours are going to be the one face I carry with me. The one soul I will be able to miss. Yours is additionally the sole forgiveness I ask and beg for as I depart from this life. I really liked you kid, and always will.
- Dazai
Chuuya,
This whole situation is not about love, I love you all beyond description. This is no one's fault and you couldn't of stopped it. I fought this for years, I'm sorry i didn't have the tools I needed to continue fighting this battle but please know I fought as well as I could. I'm not sad, I'm just tired and this world doesn't make sense to me. I hope there is an afterlife but if not a long sleep is just as well. I am okay and you will be too. Damn, that was an amazing journey I can’t say that it was all dark because it is all about how we view the world. A lot of days was amazing and life is good but people like me don’t deserve it. Each day, living without you was horrible, and all I could consider doing was working out a way to get you back, which, obviously I failed horribly at. Life was absolutely miserable. I could hardly make it through life everyday because it was. The happiest days of my life were over, and that i was in complete gloom. i might never wish what I experienced that year upon my worst enemy, because it had been beyond tragic. I never recovered enough to ascertain one final sunrise, or to see one final sunset by the pier of the office, or perhaps offer you one last goodbye. Sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust, and when you're up, it's never nearly as good as it seems, and when you're down, you never think you will be up again, but life goes on. After this, I want to remind you of happier memories, like when I crushed a cream pie on your face during that summer fair, or when you left your favorite book out in the rain and completely ruined all of the pages. Those times are the times I want you to cherish, hold them tight and never let go, unlike myself (lol I know I'm super funny).
- Dazai
Kunikida,
Light flashes before your eyes, almost like gleaming crystals. It's really odd, it's as though you scared knowing that it's gonna end before it actually ends. Based off of my knowledge, that's called Anxiety about Anxiety, being so scared of dying but also being so terrified and petrified of living. It's an exhausting mind game, one that few people are able to win on their own. I (unfortunately for you), lost this never ending game, it almost looks like monopoly ; a game that takes forever for no valid reason.
- Dazai
Atsushi,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for this. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for these and those. I'm sorry for me. I'm sorry. It's all my fault. All my fault. It's not your fault. There was nothing else I could do. There was too much pain. I'm sorry. It's not your fault. I know I keep repeating myself, but I need to fully get across how sorry I am for leaving you. You probably don't remember your first day working on a mission with the agency at all do you? Your eyes, I have to this day never seen pupils become so huge in my entire life. You looked so horror-struck, like a child lost in a grocery store for the first time. After we finished, you started sobbing on the pavement, mumbling out something about not being cut out for this job, you kept saying something about not being to put aside your childhood to do this. I had to comfort you, though you know as good as anyone that I'm complete trash when it comes to understanding human emotions. Everyone in the Port Mafia grew up emotionless, and when I joined the agency, I had to learn that dealing with and having emotions was normal. It felt weird, the first time I saw you crying, like you could do something I haven't been able to do freely my whole life. It was a learning process, but I managed to be able to help others, both physically and emotionally. Continue to learn how to help people Atsushi, because being there for people is the one skill I want you to surpass me at.
- Dazai
Chuuya,
I tried to lift myself back up, except for this whole last month, I’ve been beyond depressed. You told me to try to get over you, I tried, but I can’t. I put the remainder of my life into perspective, and that i realized I’ll never have someone I loved as much as you in my life ever again, and that i gave up hope completely. I don’t know if you'll be able to understand this, but, once you know you may never have what you’ve wanted your entire life. The meaning to life vanishes. There becomes absolutely no meaning to any of it, all you would like to try and do is die once you awaken . Every thought is simply excruciatingly painful. Tomorrow becomes dark and hopeless. The raison d’etre is nonexistent. I’ve come to understand , that you simply wouldn’t be there on behalf of me once I need you the most, and I’ve come to understand , that I don’t have a place in this world anymore. I first promised myself that I wouldn’t kill myself until you were dead, because it might kill you inside to grasp that I died. i believed I couldn’t do this to you, but, after what I’ve gone through, I can’t take this anymore. I actually have no hope for the long run in the slightest. I even have no hope for tomorrow. I know, I’ll never have what i need, and it’s time to go back to live within the dirt i used to be born from. I failed during this life, and I’ll never be ready to have you and you left me out of the blue, and stopped answering all my calls, and let me just kill myself mentally and become overwhelmed with depression. I can’t take it anymore, and I’m planning to be leaving this world. Killing myself is that the only thing I can consider doing, to end the pain. I can’t bare going through 60 more years of my life, knowing I’ll NEVER have you. I can’t bare knowing that the one that I loved most wasn’t there once I needed you the most. I can’t bare being in this kind of pain. I can barely go the last month like this, and I’ve never gotten over you. I spent my whole life trying to work out the way to get you back, and that i was so close to the brink of success. All just to have it slip out of my hand. i love you with all my heart, and i always will. this may be the last time you hear from me, because I won’t be alive when you are reading this. Just know, even though you tried and pushed me away before, I'll leave knowing that you loved me, and I love you just as much.
- Dazai
Kunikida,
I've written countless suicide notes before some pages long, some barely a paragraph but I've never specified the foundation of my miseries. This is addressed to you, but I would like everyone who has known me to read this and become aware as I'm sure they'll assume and reach their own wrong conclusions. I do not want them to think that I've resorted to this simply because of a petty argument that we had many weeks ago. I have been through this type of situation but none has broken me yet. Why? Because truth be told I have been broken way before you have met me. For my whole life, I have been living in uncertainty, going through my days doing mundane tasks to fill the emptiness. I've tried repeatedly to fight this, even going to the point as asking help from authorities and doctors. Nonetheless, nothing has worked. Through my actions of desperation, I have been labelled as an attention whore, liar, root of stress, plastic and others I dare to not mention. Those things that are said to me only added to the feeling of worthlessness and guilt. Granted, my decisions and actions possibly had contributed for you to consider me that way. I'm deeply sorry. There are other things I'm sorry for but this note isn't that. I'm finished apologising to people I've done wrong. Especially now that what I've done is irreparable and knowing that no action of mine will redeem me in the Port Mafia's eyes, everything is useless. this is about exposing the reality about myself, my past, and the way the things they've done to me has turned me into the type of person I am. Some of the Port Mafia would possibly think I'm weak for selecting to end my life in this fashion. But from my point of view, this is finally achieving the justice I have searched for for so damn long. I see this as my long deserved vacation from a lifetime of confusion, anger, self-hatred, doubt and depression. This is me taking matters into my very own hands. Please share this with the whole Port Mafia, for what they did to me is something that can never be forgotten, even to the dead.
- Dazai
Atsushi,
Throughout the courses of our lives, we have changed as people. Not only have we evolved as a species, but our individuality and sense of self has continuously been on a cycle of changing. You may not remember when you started changing me into the person I am now, so I'll remind you. It all started when you first put that song on the radio in the agency's office. It's a song that none of us had heard before, so we were all kind of confused when we all realized it was a very popular song from the 90's. Kunikida gave you the side-eye, well everyone else just looked at you as though you were crazy. The music you decided to play was disco music, something that would have been played in some sort of club (specifically a nightclub), and for some reason it brought you so much joy. You were jumping around the office, standing on desks and pretending your pen-cup was a microphone. I have never seen a human so happy in my entire life from one singular song, I mean it look like you were putting on a whole concert for us in the office at like 2 pm. You look psychotic (not going to lie), and that day made me realize that you didn't care what other people thought about you, you only cared about living in the moment and truly being you and you couldn't give a damn who was near, you were going to be your authentic self whenever people liked it or not. That one silly day in the office is a trait that you have that I've wanted for so long. I mean me, trying to learn from others? I'm always in my head, always thinking about what tomorrow is going to do for me, all the work that's going to be piled up, all of the assignments and missions that we might have to do, all the planning that goes into it, all of it was just so stressful. Even though you helped me during this time with planning, and even when you were stressed and almost in tears on the floor for how much work Kunikida decided to give you. That day you still stood up on those desks and lip-synced the sad disco song like it was your last day on earth. So thank you, thank you for teaching me to get out of my head, to shut my brain up for at least a little while and watch you do what you do best ; be a ridiculous, complete idiot.
- Dazai
Chuuya,
I saw you at your lowest. I saw you crying in the corner over the fact that you were about to kill someone. It was your first mission with the Port Mafia, specifically your first mission that had to do with assassination. Akutagawa decided that it was your time to finally embrace the whole “Port Mafia Style Assassination”. You picked a knife, you have no idea how to even open the damn thing, and you held it in your hand. Your hand was shaking, clearly fearful and knowing of what you had to do, yet you put on a face that said “I am confident and I can do this”. You fooled everyone, even me for a while. We were heading to the location, and the more we walked, the more I could feel your breathing changing. It originally was calm, in a steady rhythm, one that could be described as a sleeping baby's heartbeat, constant yet gentle and calm. As every street drew nearer, your steps became uneven, your breathing became a raspy and that of a person who is hyperventilating, and even if I asked you in the moment if you were okay, even if I asked you in the moment if you wanted to do this oh, I knew you would have said yes. The difference between me and you is that you will power through. When things get tough, you don't just run away. You persevere, and most times you succeed. I think you remember what happened after we got to the location though, you fell to your knees, put your hand on your heart and the other around your throat. I could tell what was happening to you, I mean come on, I'm not the most mentally-sane person you've ever met, it's not like I haven't had experience with this. I got down to your level, and put my hand on your shoulder, trying to ground you from the mission, which made you get so stuck in your head that trying to catch your breath was like sprinting in a marathon. You acted as though you were on your last leg, about to cross the finish line. Unfortunately for you, you are about halfway through, and there is no way you can continue running when you can't breathe. So I did what I did at that moment, and while I wouldn't do this today for someone who is going through a panic attack, it definitely wasn't the worst idea I've ever had. We were near a faucet and a bucket, so after your breathing subsided a little and became more even, yet not at the point where you could stand or frankly speak yet, I went to the bucket and put it in the sink and turned the faucet on. I filled the bucket all the way to the top, walking over to you, and then proceeded to dump the whole bucket of ice cold water on your head. You were pissed, I mean really, really, really ticked off with me. You look as though you were about to kill me, and you still had the knife in your hand, which definitely did not help. Even though you were pissed out of your mind, your breathing became rhythmed again. I could see your face getting more blood circulation, and I could tell that while you were going to be so angry at me, you would be able to finish this mission. And you did, you made it to the whole thing all by yourself. I stayed in the back as I was only backup that day in case something went wrong, but at this point, you probably completely forgot I was there. You pushed through, you made it through, you did what you needed to do in that moment to get what you needed to get done, something I had been yearning for, something I have been trying to force myself to do for years. So thank you, thank you for trying to teach me so much even though you weren't trying to, because while I might disappear, the moon will still be shining in the same place we walked to do our mission, and it will never leave you, it will always be there.
- Dazai
Kunikida,
What's it like to run free? To live in a world without drowning in insecurity and in pain? Frankly, I wish I was still here. Even though you were reading this after my heart rate has become 0 beats per minute, my words can still affect you, indirectly and everything as though I'm still here. I know you might have thought I was joking when I say this, as this sounds more depressing than I would like, it's something you need to hear. Move on. Don't just do it for me, do it for yourself. Between all the shenanigans you had to put up with mel, you deserve to forget most likely the one thing in your life that is hurting you the most. I won't be angry if you do, I wouldn't be surprised and honestly I would be pretty happy if you did. For once while I'm talking to you, I'm not speaking in sarcasm. Move on, live your life, follow whatever path you decide to choose, go on all the adventures we couldn't, complete the missions I couldn't, be the person I couldn't. As I am writing this, I started to remember the one time we went to go watch a ballroom dance competition. When I asked you originally, you looked at me as though I was psycho. I thought you were thinking “why does this lunatic want to go see ballroom dancing?” But you probably thought I was acting looney, you still went along with me. I can tell you were almost in trance by the way they were moving, but that shocked me in itself, I mean hello? Kunikida actually liking to do something outside of work, now that's something I never saw until that day. Anywho, I can tell you really enjoyed it. and while that was the first and only time we went to go see it, I could tell it was a new little spark in your heart, a passion and drive that you didn't have before, not even relating to ballroom dancing in general, more of what came out of it rather than the situation itself. It showed you (well at least I think) that trying something new might not be as scary as you think it is, something even I haven't gotten over yet. So, continue doing new things, continue learning more and more about the world, continue experiencing what life has to offer you, because one day I might all be ripped from under your feet, whenever by your own hand or by old age, or even by a disease, just breathe.
- Dazai
Atsushi,
Picture this for me, you're running through forest in the middle of the night, when all the sudden a bear appears before you, about twenty feet or so away from you. You are the person who's running, while life is the bear. The bear continuously chases you while you're just running, so how long are you going to let the bear chase you for before you get caught? 5 years? 10 years? Two decades? No matter how long you keep running, the inevitable of being caught happens. You are the bear's food, the bear is ravenous, wanting to get whatever food the bear can get his hands on. How much running is too much? When will you learn to stop running? No matter how many trees you dodge, how many traps you set, the bear never dies. This isn't a Greek mythology story, one where Zeus or Apollo appears, where they can run from the bear for forever, maybe even killing the bear. When is the running worth it?
- Dazai
Chuuya,
I wished the world revolved around you, because your world is fascinating, even if I only get glimpses of it.
- Dazai
Kunikida,
I hope you miss me when this letter is complete, because you were the spine that kept my pages together for so long. So, go out there and try to find another spine to organize and keep in line, someone else definitely needs a doppio poet.
- Dazai
Atsushi,
You know that downstairs in the office, there's a piano and I told you multiple times I can’t play it. Then one night, you were walking out of the office and you heard it, I know you did. You walked to the piano, only to see me there, playing “Clair de lune” by Claude Debussy (start to play the song now, (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoD_AxKoJDs), looking out of the window into the night sky. I was enchanted by the music, feeling every key and every note being played to perfection, almost like the keys were magically playing themselves. Over the corner of my eye, I see you standing there. I can tell by your face something was up, you stood there and only watched, didn't even say a word. I kept playing because in that moment, I had a feeling in my gut that that was what I was supposed to do. So I did, I continued to play the whole piece while looking up at the moonlight as you just stood there, looking at me with that face. When I was done, you walked over to me and placed your hand on my shoulder, your hand shaking and your breath cold. I scooted over on the bench, giving your room to sit next to me, and you sat there, looking up into the moonlight as I was doing previously, with a face as blank as a canvas. That night was something I never forgot, even until this day. I saw a side of you that I’d never seen before, and I thank you for opening up like that, even though you didn’t say a word.
Chuuya,
I look into your heart and discover myself, but I'll never be a part of your world. I need you, can't reach you, we're world's apart. If you need me, look into your heart.
- Dazai
Kunikida,
There's not enough room on this sheet of paper to continue writing all the things I want to convey to you, and I'm currently sitting on top of a building with no access to more paper, so I'll end my long ramble here for you. Before I fully go, there's some things I need to tell you. First of all, I want to to continue running the agency as though I was still there, just on a vacation. I don't wanna be replaced, so keep my desk the way it is, and don't tell anyone outside of the letter that I did in fact commit suicide. Instead, please tell the, I'm on a long-term business trip to America, and I'll be back in a few years, how long you don't know. I can tell that request is gonna be a challenge, but you know I never ask for much, so please try for me. I'm in your heart forever Kunikida, don't forget that. While you might not be able to actually reach me, I'm always here, standing right next to you through thick and thin. If you ever need me, talk to the stars, maybe I'll actually listen this time for once. As always, don't wait for me, I'll always be in your heart forever, so don't go forgetting about me, okay?
From,
Dazai
Atsushi,
Out of all the people whose letters I had to finish, your's was probably one of the hardest. There are so many more stories I want to remind you of, so many more memories I want to retell to you before I finally am set free. You made me finally breathe, which makes no sense to you considering I've been doing that since I was born. You helped open me up to everyone, and I got one hell of a great friend out of it, and I hope I was a good enough friend to you back. So I have to thank you one last time, because the words I've told you before aren't permanent in your mind enough. If you ever miss me or you ever need to talk, look up to the stars, I'll actually listen to you because you deserve at least that much. I have one final request, and I hope it doesn't sound too selfish: Please don't self harm anymore. I know that me asking you not too really won't stop you from doing it, but I figured it was worth a shot. If you ever get the urge too, talk to me or go and talk to someone. I know it won't be easy, but I'll be here in spirit for you whenever you need me.
From,
Dazai
Chuuya,
There’s a lot more that I want to say to you, but I don’t ever think there'll be a time you’re ready to hear it while I was right there, so I wrote it all down for you in this letter. I wanted to remind you that you were loved one last time, if the words on your skin aren’t permanent enough a reminder. I know you told me that I wasn’t allowed to tell you that I loved you, but you know me, I couldn’t really help myself. You’re by far one of the smartest people I’ve ever met, and for that I have to thank you. Thank you for giving me even some of your knowledge, thank you for being my rock when I needed something to climb on, thank you for being my shoulder when mine wasn't large enough, thank you for listening when my brain was telling me I wasn't enough, and finally, thank you for being you. Because without you, I wouldn't be me. So don't come and save me, for I am in a place with dark blue skies and rivers of purple stars, a place where I can breathe and run free.
Love,
Dazai