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One word. Two letters. Three missing ‘x’s. Four hours of stewing. That was all it took. Okay, perhaps that wasn’t all that had happened, but it was the trigger. Now, Tweek felt like his ship was sinking, and sinking fast.
Naturally his parents weren’t home. They never were, and if Tweek was completely honest, it probably wouldn’t have mattered much to him if they were. They didn’t know how to handle him, not on his best days but especially not when things got like this. They bumbled and went off on expressive and unrelated tangents in some weird attempt at what they probably thought were clever distracting techniques.
All it ever did was make Tweek feel worse. Alone. Tired.
So Tweek lay suffocating on his bed, every suggestion of movement, of texting Craig back, was shot down with a fatal blow. He repeated the same mantra over and over in his head, unable to escape his own caged thoughts. It would be pathetic of him to text Craig over something so silly. Craig would definitely think you were crazy, to be worrying about something so trivial . That thought that put the knell in the coffin, Craig will dump you if you bother him too much .
He’d grown so used to drowning out his own worries, of putting on a brave face, for quelling those pesky thoughts. They were back now, back with a frightful vengeance. They crawled over him like a million, invisible ants. Too small individually to do much, but powerful when working together. He could almost feel the phantom pinpricks against his skin. It made him shiver and clench. He felt dirty, swiping at his already frail skin with his nails until it was red raw.
It all came back to that stupid text. The one that knowing Craig, probably didn’t even get a second thought about. Because he doesn’t care about you. He secretly hates you and wishes you’d leave him alone. and alone and alone and alone and-
His brain unhelpfully reminded him of that, over and over again as his insides squeezed painfully. Tears crawled down across his cheeks, streams of sadness at the realisation that Craig couldn’t really love him. That he was undeniably unlovable. Who could of course? He was a weird, anxious twitchy mess and he was fooling himself to think that anyone as incredible as Craig would think otherwise. His parents of course provided further proof of that on a daily basis, despite caring for him since birth, they found him wholeheartedly a burden.
Why had he snapped at Craig like that? He shouldn’t have. Really there was no logical reason or excuse for it. Craig was just trying to help him, as he had always done and it wasn’t his boyfriend’s fault that he just didn’t understand. It just seemed so infuriating that for Craig Tucker, everything came easy. The dark haired boy didn’t give a fuck, unlike Tweek who cared too much about everything. So he’d told his supportive boyfriend to go away and leave him alone. He hadn’t been looking for solutions to the darkness that dwelled within him; no amount of exercise, yoga, funny videos could stop the incessant drum that was the panic beating against his skull. Craig didn’t get that though, he was practically minded and thought Tweek’s stress could be solved so easily.
Tweek wished it were that simple. So that’s how it would be between them and how Craig was probably going to leave him, for someone that didn’t freak out over nothing, for someone that didn’t lash out in emotional pain. You deserve to be alone. You are a bad person. Craig deserves better . The blonde grabbed at his hair, attempting to tug away the pervading thoughts. Some part of his mind registered that this should be painful, but physically he was numb, the screaming in his head too loud for anything else to be but a mild buzzing.
He just wanted out.outoutoutoutoutout-
~
Craig had a peculiar feeling in his stomach. Gut instinct perhaps? He didn’t know what it was exactly, couldn’t put his finger on it except feel that something felt wrong. He couldn’t shake the bad vibes that prodded at his psyche. Maybe it was the argument he’d had with Tweek earlier? His boyfriend had practically exploded at him when he’d suggested that perhaps if he had less coffee, he might be able to sleep more. Surely Tweek could see that he was only trying to be helpful? It wasn’t an attack. Just a suggestion. Tweek didn’t need to be so defensive with Craig, who would love him no matter what. He would stand by his side regardless of how much coffee he drank or how little sleep he had. Craig just wanted Tweek to be happy and safe. It was only a suggestion, and he hated that Tweek had taken it as something else.
Craig sighed, stretching his limbs out from where they had been crossed, taut with pressure. He had tried to keep his mind off of the blonde, mechanically pressing the buttons of his Xbox controller as his avatar met its demise again and again. Ostensibly, their argument was over, but it somehow didn’t feel that way. He had apologised of course, and Tweek had replied with his own sorry , but it just seemed weird to not be texting him. By this time in the afternoon, if they weren’t hanging out, Tweek would have been inundating him with cute animal pictures that he’d seen online, ridiculous meme’s or linking him to frankly bizarre tumblr posts that had Craig scratching his head. Instead, after responding to his boyfriends text with a simple ok as to not upset Tweek more, there had been nothing but radio silence.
It took approximately five more game play deaths for Craig to finally give in and text Tweek again. Hey xxx was usually the extent of Craig’s ability to initiate a conversation, something Tweek knew and it would always get the job done to begin his spiral of messages in return.
Not this time though.
Tweek would have generally sent some sort of response to Craig before a minute was up, the neurotic boy would have his hand glued to his phone, scouring Twitter for mentions of impending doom or getting incensed by totally obvious trolls. However, when fifteen minutes had passed and his text had still gone unread and unanswered, Craig felt a little affronted. He wondered if Tweek had been roped into working, though he knew Tweek had said he had no plans whatever to be at the shop over the weekend, he wouldn’t have put it past his asshole parents. He was pretty sure Tweek would have let him know if that was the case, or at least sent him a message complaining about the unfairness of it. So why hadn’t he replied?
Craig himself wasn’t prone to anxiety, not like Tweek was, but even he couldn’t help but feel that something was up. He tried to appeal to the rational side of his mind, the place where he would ground himself in when he had a problem but as time ticked on, Craig felt the worry within him mount. He kept the next text just as short, hoping that through minimal words he could let Tweek know he wasn’t angry or still bothered by their argument. However, when the second and third messages went unanswered, it sent spikes of concern through him. There was no trace of response to Craig’s Hey babe, you okay? Xxx and Let me know how you’re doing. Xxx
By the time a whole forty minutes had passed since his first text to Tweek, found Craig in his kitchen, pulling at the tab of a can of diet coke relentlessly. His sister had already bitched him out about the habit, and he was thankful when she stormed off to her room after he had pointedly ignored her ranting. Though it may be reasonable for Craig to think that his boyfriend was just asleep or busy, or whatever else he got up to when Craig wasn’t around, he couldn’t prevent the nagging feeling that told him that something was very wrong. Even when they weren’t together Craig knew roughly what Tweek’s plans were. If he was at home or at the shop, or at Token’s. He was always somewhat hyper aware of Tweek’s wearabouts, which was probably something that would come off a little creepy to anyone else, but that was just how he and Tweek worked.
After a further twenty minutes of silent fretting, Craig caved. He threw on his worn and ratty blue hoodie, flipped his mom off in their family’s way of saying see you later and was out the door. He didn’t care if he burst through the Tweak’s door looking stupid. Tweek would laugh at him for his unfounded worries, they would banter back and forth and by the end of it Craig would know that his Tweek was okay; because at the end of the day that was all that really mattered.
~
His body felt heavy as he lay, tightly curled up into the fetal position on his bedroom floor. The carpet felt scratchy and irritant against his skin, but he ignored it in favour of gripping his head tightly in his hands, pulling harshly at blonde strands of hair. His whole body shook with the heaving of his chest. He could feel the shadow-like hands of his demons taunting him, over and over again. Tweek whimpered.
Hurts..hurts..hurts .
It was a chant, a mantra, a song and all that Tweek could think about. His brain waged a war on itself, a battle inevitable to be lost. He couldn’t ignore them any longer, the demons within that screamed themselves hoarse at his many failures, his worthless presence and the blight on humanity that was Tweek Tweak. The demons urged him to end it, to succumb to their demands and Tweek was half sure he was dead already. If he didn’t do it then they would, the monster under his bed and in his dresser. This time though, there was no one to save him, his mother wouldn’t run her hand through his hair and tell him the creatures were gone, as she did so many times when he was younger. He was forced to face them, alone and in the darkness of his room.
If this wasn’t the agony of dying, then what was? His lungs burned with exhaustion at trying to keep the air within them, the lack of oxygen making it oh so easy to slip into the abyss that was the cacophony of his racing thoughts. You will die. You should die. We’re going to get you Tweek. You can’t escape us forever. You are ours. We are yours. We’re here in your head, in your room Tweek. Open your eyes Tweek. Tweek. Can you hear us? Can you see us?
Somewhere in the house, a clock chimed.
Ding Dong Tweek. We already have you.
~
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Where was Tweek? The gut wrenching automated message of I ’m sorry the person you are trying to call is currently unavailable. Please leave your message after the tone played over and over in Craig’s mind. Tweek never ignored his calls, in all the years they had been dating, they had known each other. He had always answered the phone. Yet, every time that the dial tone rang out, it was like a physical blow to Craig’s chest that made him want to double over in pain. He pushed on through, standing outside the Tweak residence clutching his phone with a tight grip. It was a testimony to the desperation Craig felt, that he’d even text Tweek’s parents to confirm the blonde’s whereabouts.
So Tweek was in there and only a wooden door separated them, but no matter how hard Craig knocked, or how many times he called, there was still no answer! Why wasn’t he answering? He couldn’t still be asleep with the racket that was being made.
Craig knew he had to get inside. But how? The door was definitely locked; the Tweaks weren’t that neglectful to leave their house unsecured. So how was he going to get to his Tweek? Trying to not appear suspicious, as though he was going to commit burglary on his boyfriend’s house, Craig surveyed the windows of the residence. Was that a window open on the second floor? How was he going to get up there? While there was a drainpipe that could possibly be scaled if he was agile enough, Craig Tucker did not climb. But for Tweek he would do anything. There was nothing that would ever get in his way.
Fucking hell! The underused muscles in his upper body complained bitterly as Craig attempted to shimmy his way up the entirely too precarious piping. He paused, glancing around to double check that no one was casually strolling down the street to witness him breaking and entering into his own boyfriend's house. That would be so embarrassing, never mind a pain in the ass to explain.
When he was certain he couldn’t see anyone, he evaluated his route again, and heaved his weight up, for once thankful for his skinny frame. The bolts that adorned the cheap plastic guttering to the wall still groaned with strain of a whole person clambering awkwardly up them, the design solely for water and not Craig’s flailing. It’s for Tweek, it’s for Tweek, it’s for Tweek, Craig chanted like a mantra as his hands screamed at him at tightness of his grip.
It was at the fourth time Craig slipped that he fully gave up on any long hidden dreams he may have had at joining the parkour community. How did they do this? Craig was about two metres up and covered in sweat and dirty rainwater that had soaked the pipe. Still he pushed on, his biceps protesting as he mentally kicked himself for not trying harder in gym class. Fuck this was harder than they made it look in the movies, especially with the Colorado cold air biting at his exposed fingertips.
Naturally, he had made it halfway up when he came to the conclusion that he was such a fucking dumbass . The Tweaks had entrusted him with the knowledge of their hidden spare key years ago; Tweek was notorious for forgetting or losing his own so they had stashed one underneath the potted gnome that still terrified Tweek. God his parents were assholes .
He would have stayed there longer, debating on continuing the torturous path upwards or sliding down to the bottom and grumbling in defeat, but the warning whine of the drainpipe threatening to detach itself settled matters. He would take the sensible option. Friction burnt his hands as he slid his way down, but that was the least of his worries, desperately hoping that he wasn’t going to just fly backwards and fall flat on his face. He let out a sigh of relief when he had both feet firmly on the ground, even if he was a little worse for wear from his unplanned cardiovascular exercise.
The key was in its designated spot and Craig used it to gain access to the house, noticing the eerie quiet. Sure that was to be expected with the Tweak parents not being home, but Craig was surprised at the thorough silence that blanketed the entire abode. Where was the sound of Tweek’s TV? Or music? Or anything really. Tweek was notorious for having two or three things playing randomly throughout the house, hating to be around solitary silence. The absence of Tweek’s usual neuroticism setting Craig’s hair on end.
He thundered up the stairs, knowing in his heart that Tweek had to be in his room. He shook his head, trying to rid himself of the very illogical images of finding Tweek dead, or laying in a pool of his from some tragic accident. Knowing that he was letting his own anxieties get the best of him, something he usually spent a lot of time and effort reassuring Tweek from. Now however, he couldn’t stop himself from letting his head get the best of him, his usual techniques of not controlling his emotions flying out the window and shimmying down the pipe he had just tried to clamber up. Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay... Craig begged to a god he wasn’t entirely sure he still believed in
When Craig stepped into Tweek’s room, he immediately thought it was empty. Not that he could see much, the room was dark and smelt musky, and he squinted his eyes to see if he could make out Tweek’s form. He took slow measured steps toward the window, but the room was stale and seemingly stark of life.
“Tweek?”
There was a whimper, and Craig moved toward the noise around the other side of the bed. He could hear them now, jagged breaths far too rapid and almost nonexistent to the sound of his own heart roaring in his head. The covers of Tweeks bed were pulled haphazardly down, and Craig would have missed him if they suddenly hadn’t moved. Underneath the edging of the comforter was Tweek, huddled in a feeble ball, shaking.
Craig moved immediately, yanking the material off, his eyes wide. It didn’t look like Tweek was hurt, and his eyes were squeezed shut but Craig could make out the trails of tears down his cheeks and the anguished expression on his face.
“Tweek, honey? Are you okay?” He crouched low, making skin to skin contact with the trembling body. Ice cold. The temperature almost made him gasp but he pressed into it, eager to share his body heat if it would help. Tweek whimpered again, and Craig positioned himself to lie behind Tweek, hands moving up to pull Tweek’s hands away from his hair and clasped them together with his.
“Tweek, it’s only me. It’s okay, I’ve got you.” Tweek let out a choked sob, shaking his head and Craig was thankful that Tweek at least appeared to be registering his presence.
“They won’t stop. They won’t leave. ”
“Nothing is going to hurt you when I’m here, I promise. Come back to me okay? Breath Tweek, breathe with me and come back, I’ve got you.” Craig rubbed soothing circles with the pads of his thumbs into the dry skin of Tweek’s hands as he nuzzled into the back of his neck. He needed Tweek to know he was here, that he didn’t have to be scared.
“ Ngh… sorry.. sorry.. sorry…” , He could not understand why his boyfriend was apologising to him so profusely. Craig wrapped both their arms around Tweek’s body, pulling him closer to his chest. He still wasn’t sure what was going on exactly, but he knew he needed to help. “Tweek, darling you don’t have to apologise. Everything is okay. I’m here with you.”
They lay there, Craig didn’t know for how long. He didn’t care, he would lie here all day if Tweek needed him too. After a while, his boyfriend turned his head slightly, trying to look at Craig through wet eyelashes. Craig wasn’t sure if he was even seeing him clearly; his pupils were blown wider than he’d thought possible. “ I’m sorry.. ngh.. I’ll .. ngh… try stop. I… don’t mean to be crazy...” Painful sobs wracked through his small and fragile body, and Craig wished he could just take the pain away.
“Tweek you’re not crazy, you’re just upset.” Craig searched for inspiration around the room. “Why don’t we calm down together? I know - we can count the Lego pieces till you feel okay enough to tell me what happened.”
So that’s what they did. Craig waited until he felt the shaking of Tweek’s body ease and he only left his side long enough to pull out a plastic box filled with Lego from where it had been stashed at the bottom of Tweek’s wardrobe and lowered it slowly in front of them. Helping Tweek up, the two of them sat there side by side against the wall with Tweek leaning into Craig counting the pieces one by one. Craig put his arm around Tweek’s shoulder’s and kissed his temple lovingly. The silence bore down on both of them, and it was broken only by the small of Tweek’s voice as he made a small pile of blocks in front of them. He had made it to the 59th when he finally paused, gulping loudly for one last desperate draw of breath he leant back further into Craig and looked up at his boyfriends face.
“I...I think, I feel a bit better now. Thanks Craig.” Tweek gave him a wobbly smile and Craig tightened his grip around his shoulders, shifting himself slightly so he could tuck Tweek against his chest. It was always scary seeing Tweek like that. Thankfully it was never a common occurrence, Tweeks panic attacks although frequent, a lot more manageable however it didn’t mean that Craig didn’t want to protect him any less and ensure he never suffered again.
“Babe, it’s honestly no problem, you never need to thank me. Do you want to tell me what happened? It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it, I think we should though.” Craig kept his voice soft, trying to sound encouraging, he didn’t want to force Tweek to talk if it would set him five steps back again.
“I...ugh...I’m sorry. I was just- well, it’s stupid but...” Tweek bit his lip in worry, gnawing on the chapped skin with his teeth, not caring about the sharp tinge of blood he could taste. “I… was just ngh thinking about our argument earlier. I’m such a psycho and you’re going to get fed up with me overreacting all the time. I mean you just put ok in response so like...I’m pretty sure you hate me now. Do you want to break up or something?”
Craig blinked at him, his brain still trying to process what Tweek was saying. He was truly gobsmacked. How did someone go from having a minor argument with their boyfriend, to thinking they were hated and was going to be dumped? He got it, to a point, Tweek’s mind was a cacophony of paranoia and anxiety that drove him to jump to the most illogical conclusions sometimes, but despite that he had to know Craig still loved him. All of him, his completely baffling and potentially irrational thoughts included .
“Honey, let me just say this loud and clear. I. Love . You. Fully, totally, in a very gay way. I love every part of you, whether you’re cranky because you’ve not had enough coffee and sleep, which dude, is most of the time I’m not gonna lie.” Craig nudged Tweek lightly, and Tweek choked out a laugh. “And when you’re in the most hype mood ever. When you’re scared or paranoid, or stress baking, or when you do that adorable thing when you’re overtired and find something so funny you end up getting hiccups and whatever else you do. I won’t and haven’t ever, thought you’re crazy darling, your feelings are valid, you don’t have to apologise for them. Especially to me, okay? I’m just sorry that I may not always get it, and that sometimes I’m gonna be a dumbass and do stuff without thinking or sometimes don’t do shit and not think about how it’s gonna affect you. I really am sorry, I should have made it more clear I wasn’t angry or annoyed or anything dude. I’m just shitty at communicating sometimes, you know that.”
“Oh.” Tweek stared down at his lap, stunned. He knew logically, how Craig felt about him, his boyfriend was never shy about it, especially not to him. That didn’t mean that he was always great about communicating it, Tweek knew that. It still always caught him off guard though, when Craig would lay it all out for him so plainly. So unafraid and sure of himself, of their relationship. Like they were untouchable. Perhaps they were when together. It didn’t matter that Tweek had his own demons that crawled under his skin and in his head, because Craig would always be there. To fight them, to save him, even if was from himself most of the time. The world was always clearer, always better, with Craig in his life and by his side.
“Come here babe.” Craig moved their bodies so they faced each other. He cupped Tweek’s face in both hands, forcing him to look at him. He could feel Tweek’s erratic heartbeat under his fingertips. He smiled at him before he leant in and kissed him softly. They stayed like that for a moment, until Tweek’s hands came up to clutch Craig’s shirt, which he let go with a muffled grimace and pulled away from the other boy completely, face scrunched.
“Craig, why the hell are you damp and...muddy?!” They both looked down at Tweek’s hands and the small flecks of drying mud sticking to his skin.
“Errr...I kind of attempted to climb the drain pipe to get to you?” Craig scratched his neck awkwardly as Tweek gasped.
“Idiot! You could have fallen and died!”
“Honey, I’d do anything for you.”
“Don’t ‘honey’ me, Craig Tucker!”
Just like that, things were back to the way they always would be, and Craig wouldn’t change it for the world.