Chapter Text
[Without You by G-DRAGON ft ROSÉ — Verse 1 & 2]
Another sigh escapes from her throat and it hurts her lungs. Even breathing is now hard for her to do so, how agonizing. She wonders why things had to be like this, had to turn out like this. She thought everything is going well and she could finally be happy but she was wrong, very wrong.
Perhaps she's just hallucinating or perhaps she's expecting something is going on between them when in fact, there's none at all. Maybe she thought it was real but in reality, it's not. Reality, sometimes she wants it not be as it is because in that word, she's always the one hurting, she's always the one suffering, that in the end she's always the one crying.
Love is painful but it's worth it for some. Mentally, emotionally and physically tiring her but in a good way. Or so she thinks because honestly, she's suffering and there's nothing good about it.
Her phone buzzes for an incoming call, she only stares at the caller ID and leaves it ringing. She doesn't want to talk to anyone at this moment, she wants to be alone that's why their dorm stays dark as she occupies the veranda, eyes looking at the dark sky that is somehow reflecting what her heart is feeling. Those little stars that illuminate despite how dark the sky had become are like the hope that occupies her heart. A light that she knows would soon going to run out and she's afraid of darkness because darkness means emptiness and emptiness means despair.
She sighs again as she stares at the moon, ah.. full moon. They say full moon could encourage you to do something you are very passionate to do. They say full moon could give you the inner peace as you meditate just by looking at it but why is it not applying to her? Why is she feeling much more mellow and sad as her vision becomes blurry. Wait, is she crying? Usually, she would immediately wipe it off because if she cries, it's going to be so hard for her to stop doing so and she doesn't want others to be worried however, this time, she allows it to run down her cheeks until they hang against her jawline which later on would fall straight to abyss.
Would crying help her get over it? Honestly no but she is getting so tired of holding it in. Portraying as if she's fine is getting harder day by day. It suffocates her that at some point of her life, she just wants to stop breathing.
Her phone sets off again yet she did not even bother looking at it as she keeps crying — a silent cry. Silent cry, that's what she'd been doing for such a long time. Not only literally but also psychologically, both are seriously so draining but she can't do anything about it, you know why? Because it's how it is.
Her tears finally stopped flowing yet the pain is still on going. Are her tear ducts giving up on her too? How unlikely but she thinks she can't blame them for doing so. Her mind and body had been telling her to stop but her heart couldn't understand. Who says whatever your mind wants, every part of your body would want it too because that's a total bullshit.
When her phone rings again, she decided to answer and get over with it. "Hey."
"Where are you? I called you so many times and you're not answering. You're in Korea, right?"
"Yes I am. I am just somewhere, unnie. I need air."
"Somewhere where? The oppas and unnies are so worried of you. We called the building and they said you're not in the dorm because it's locked and the lights are off."
She smiles, that's all she wants, she wants peace and no disturbances. "Ah. Just somewhere. No worries I'll be home when you do. I'm safe unnie. I'll be going now. Take care."
"Lisa-yah.." she knows the tone so much and her heart is crushing again.
"I am fine, Jisoo unnie. Bye." and ends it before Jisoo could even reply.
Lisa sets her phone aside once again as she sits at the veranda of their own dormitory. Right above them is Lee Soohyun's own flat and she's thankful that she did not came across her or else her alone time will be non existent.
Lisa looks up to keep her eyes occupied with the sky and what's in it. Her heart is hurting, her mind is a mess and her soul is screaming. She isn't religious like Rosé but she prays for her own peace. She's been doing so since that day she admitted her growing feelings towards Jennie.
She would be fine loving the other woman without getting it in return because that's how love works, you'll be fine and be satisfied as long as you see the ones you love happy and contented however, things drastically had changed when Jennie's treatment towards her take a full 180 degree change. Lisa's attempts of being all clingy and touchy towards the older were reciprocated, she was used to all the off and on screen rejections.
At first, she did not fall for the trap because it might be just Jennie's ways of telling everyone that the rumors about her hating the youngest is not true so she let her be however Jennie did not stop and everything intensifies during and after their SQUARE UP promotions. Jennie was never a vocal one nor she is but Jennie had been constantly doing it whether it's on or off screen.
Whenever she was not around, her phone would buzz for an incoming text or call from Jennie. The feeling intensifies without her even noticing it but when she did, she just let it be basically enjoying the attention and care the oldest had been giving to her.
However, things changed as fast as how Jennie did. There's really no such thing as forever. She should've known that her happiness would be short lived. She should've known that what Jennie feels or felt for her won't go beyond friendship. She should've known that confessing her feelings won't do her any good because you know what happened? She confessed and Jennie immediately starts avoiding her the next hour. Sad isn't it?
This had broke Lisa so much that she literally had to beg the CEO to give her at least a week of sabbatical, a week away from anyone, a week away from South Korea, a week away from her dorm and a week away from Jennie Kim. Yang Hyun Suk had no idea why so he had gathered everyone when Lisa flew out of the country towards Thailand without saying anything to anyone the next morning.
Lisa turned her phone off for an entire week, she needed to be alone and in the arms of her parents. She cried, they comforted her. She did not say why but she kept crying. The pain that housed her entire being is telling her she's beyond repair, she's devastated. She had fallen for Jennie so deeply and it became so hard for her to recover, she's drowned and no one is helping her, no one could help her in all honesty.
In her young life, she was seeking for love. She found it however it was not meant to be. In the end, she was left alone — again.
Barely...
Barely...
Barely...
She thought she'd barely found true love but in the end, in the end, it ends like this. She's alone, broken beyond repair.
Lisa looks ahead of her despite how the metal rails had blocked her sight as she reminisced everything. Everything has changed, she's aware of it but it's the only way to keep her sane and the group intact.
A week after her sabbatical, Lisa went back to Korea and started avoiding Jennie. Jisoo and Rosé for sure noticed it but they kept their mouths shut, probably thinking it's just one of their fights that only the two of them could solve.
Whenever they have projects that requires their full group attendance, Lisa would subtly avoids Jennie. She would not stand beside her or near her, whenever Jennie speaks she'd look at the camera or play with whoever standing beside her to keep her focus and senses away from the woman because even her voice hurts her. It's killing her. She needs to heal and it's her only way to do so.
For sure, their fans had noticed it because Lisa had stopped posting pictures of her with Jennie unless it's a group shot. The less to no interactions were observed by their fans and every videos uploaded were closely monitored. Many speculations had started and surfaced, some even compared it to mystery that revolves around Jessica Jung and Kim Taeyeon's sudden cold shoulders towards one another for years — it was a mess, it broke a lot of hearts.
Lisa heaves another sigh, she was very drown into her flashbacks that she did not notice the arrival of the others in their dorm until their dogs had started barking. Startled, Lisa moves towards the very end of their small veranda to keep her silhouette away from the glass door window and she stays there. She did not forget to switch her phone to silent just so she could stay longer without any disturbance and plunges her earbuds before letting the music occupies her world.
Lisa only had a few regrets in her life and one of those is when she confessed. If only she did not, their friendship could've lasted. If only she did not, she could've at least stare at her without getting hurt but it's hard to turn back time. It happened, they ended.
She had her eyes closed for a while and when she felt the vibration coming from her back and head, she opens her eyes and immediately meets the eyes of the woman she'd been trying to avoid for years now. Their eyes locked and she couldn't breathe. She's getting suffocated. She's getting dizzy. She needed out.
Pain is beautiful, same as her.