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The loud laughs and shrieks slid its way to her room through the small linear hallow between her door and the floor. How long has she been in her room? Probably an hour or two and that also means that the source of the commotion outside her room has been in their shared dorm for that long too.
She excused herself earlier, saying she's tired from their schedule and needed a little rest, but in all honesty.. the reason why she did what she did was just solely because she can't stand being in the same room with her.
Don't get her wrong, she does not hate her — she never did and will never hate her — or maybe she does.. she hates her for making her feel this way. She hates her for making her feel the sorrow and the regret she has been carrying for over 2 years now. She hates the fact that she can't hate her because obviously, none of this was the woman's fault.
It is her fault.
Perhaps, she just hates herself.
Right.
She HATES herself.
She hates herself for being a fool. A fool who did nothing but to deny everything and ended up having her arse getting bit by her own foolishness.
She hates herself for being a coward. A coward who couldn't even come in terms with her feelings until it was all too late. She could still clearly remember that night when they had a short talk after such a long time of casually avoiding each other. If only she could be as brave as the other was, maybe things would be different this time.
She hates herself for not letting herself be selfish for once. There were a lot of instances where she could've confessed, but she finds herself backing away even before she could even take a step forward.
She hates herself for falling for someone who has now moved on.
Yes, she moved on.
Lisa moved on and Jennie, the coward, had fallen for her.
Yes, a loop. A fucking loop.
Jennie really had no idea when and how.. or maybe she did but she just kept shoving it to the side. Maybe that's it. You can't blame her though, she was desperate to invalidate her feelings back then. She thought it was just a phase because, news flash (it's sarcasm by the way), it's always just the four of them together. So maybe because of the that, she got way too carried away and attached.
Too desperate to invalidate her feelings that she agreed on giving that guy a try. She was not really attracted to him though but he was. She agreed to give it a try by giving him their first date and surprisingly enough, she had fun. He was fun, who would've thought. A date came with another one, so on and so forth until he officially and formally asked her to be his girlfriend.
Ecstatic to finally realize that she wasn't weird, she said yes. It had its blissful months despite the hiding but it all just got messy when Dispatch lit up their own fireworks and announced their relationship to the public on January 1st.
However, she couldn't stand the scrutiny and silence so she ended up breaking it all off with him just days after that. Scrutiny from the media and public and silence from Lisa.
Before the dating news was revealed, Lisa had finally started softening up on her. She was elated to finally be part of an exchange where Lisa initiated the conversation. It was not the same as before but she took anything more than the fact that Lisa tried to avoid her like a plague for 2 years.
Two days after the dating news dropped, Lisa moved out of their dorm and transfered to the other room just a floor above them. She said it's because her family is growing after adding more feline in her life but Jennie knew her dating news was probably Lisa's last straw to be around her.
Since then, Lisa rarely goes down to meet them. It's either Chaeyoung or Jisoo will go up to spend some time with her.
The absence of Lisa's presence became the root cause of everything.
You see, Jennie knew when and how did she reciprocate the feeling. She knows. She knew too damn well that she somehow had intimate feelings towards the younger but too afraid to admit it. Those times when she would randomly look for Lisa, those times when she would randomly say she miss her.. those were all genuine.
But.. when Lisa confessed, her mind went straight to her old and buried fear that she might be different from the norm and she can't accept that. Instead of sorting it out properly, she started avoiding Lisa.
She avoided her on and off cam for months until Lisa just went on it and avoided her too. It was messy. She was messy. Oh scratch that, she is still messy.
She was too deep in her thoughts that she didn't realize the loud sounds earlier are now gone. Jennie sighs, her eyes are looking at the view outside her window while her hand is gently caressing her pup's soft hair.
It's raining outside. How timely and dramatic this is.
Lisa started going back to their dorm for casual visits just 5 months after she moved out. And since then, Jennie would always excuse herself to retreat in her room or just says she's going to her mum's house for a visit.
Until her visits became regular and she now stays there most of the time. She would only stay in their dorm if they have projects together and also because of the fact that she can't stay there any longer if Lisa is around.
She wonders if the pain she's experiencing was the same pain Lisa once had when she was in her situation. She wonders how did Lisa endured it because honestly speaking, Jennie is barely surviving. It is hard waking up in the morning realizing the shit she'd done and now she's regretting it.
Would it be different if she had confessed? Let me tell you this, there was no day in Jennie's life after she came in terms with her feelings towards the youngest that she was not thinking about the idea of being able to hold, kiss and hug Lisa.
Pathetic, right? Yes, pathetic.
She could've had all of such if she wasn't a fool.She could've had Lisa as hers if she wasn't a coward.
She should've confessed.
She should've given it a try.
She should have.
However, that would be selfish. She had hurt Lisa for too long and for too much and for her to just waltz in and just say she loves her would be totally unfair. She couldn't let herself be that cruel after slowly seeing Lisa getting her life back on track.
Lisa had started going out to meet her friends, she had never done that for two years. Lisa had started laughing her heart out once again and Jennie had never seen and heard that genuine smile and laugh in a long time. The best thing, Lisa had started talking to her like she once does prior to the confession.
Now you tell me, how could she be selfish if Lisa had been selfless all along?
They say there's no point in regretting but Jennie knows she would constantly keep thinking of her. She knew, she knows she's wrong and she will forever carry that baggage alongside of all her what ifs.
Her what ifs that will never get an answer. Her what ifs that will haunt her for the rest of her life. Her what ifs that could've possibly change her life. Her what ifs that could've probably make her the happiest now.
If only she could turn back the time.
Another sigh escapes her throat followed by soft knocks replaced the silence in her room. Basing on the stillness and quietness outside, Lisa must've gone home and the one knocking is Jisoo.
Soft creaks soon followed, she didn't turn around as her eyes are still fixated to her stained glass window.
"She'd gone home."
Jennie didn't reply.
"How long are you going to be like this, Jennie?"
Jennie, not Jendeuk, not Nini. Oh gosh, is she going to have this conversation again? She could feel her strength being drained out right then and there.
"Let's not have this conversation, unnie."
"When? When are we going to?"
Jennie heard the door creaks and a soft thud followed by her door's automatic lock.
"I don't want to talk about it. Please."
"Then when would you want to? You've been holding this for too long."
Jennie shrugs. "I don't know."
"You're running away from the problem again. You can't stay like this forever, Jen."
Jennie could feel her tears slowly ushering itself out. How weak. How fucking weak. Lisa lasted and held on for so long so why couldn't she?
She knew that if she would answer, her tears would finally make itself known so she did not.. She focused herself in trying to drag them all back in but she should've known. She should've known that if it's Jisoo, she can't really hide anything at all. Her tears came rushing down as soon as she found herself engulfed in Jisoo's arms.
Jisoo and Chaeyoung knew about everything she is going through after she went home drunk and crying for Lisa's name over and over again. The two then confessed that they somehow knew about it but Lisa never shared hers with anyone.
Lisa endured everything alone and yet she's here, crying her sorrows out with someone because once again, she could no longer take it. She's weak. She really is weak.
Maybe you're now wondering if she had ever once tried to subtly let Lisa have an idea about feelings towards her if she can't verbally tell her about it. Yes she did but guess what.. Lisa had no reactions anymore.
Back then, her random cheesy comebacks would always get a shriek and a shy smile from the youngest, but now? Lisa is easily dismissing it like it's nothing. She tried multiple times but none of it worked anymore.
Back then, it's always about "Jennie unnie", "Nini". Now? It would be considered as a miracle or maybe Lisa woke up in the good side of the bed if you hear her say Jennie's name as an answer to something or the first name she'd look for that day. Nowadays, it's mostly Chaeyoung. Jennie doesn't want to feel this but she would be lying if she'd say she's not jealous.
Because heck she fucking is.
Her name used to be the answer to almost everything.
Her name used to be the first name Lisa would shriek out early in the morning every single day to get her attention.
She used to be the first person Lisa would greet either with a hug or her random kisses everyday.
She used to be her person, she used to be that person.
She used to.
Now, she's just part of Lisa's past that she'd buried deep down in her memory lane.
"I'm sorry." Jennie says as she moves out from Jisoo's embrace, wiping her tears away with her bare hands.
"You don't have to." Jisoo offers her a clean dry sheet kleenex. "Here."
"Thanks."
After a few moments, Jennie had calm down and is now back staring at the window. The rain hasn't stop raining though, it really went pouring down alongside her own rain.
Jisoo stares at the droplets of water making trails on the glass. She didn't say a word. Probably just allowing Jennie to take her time and Jennie is thankful for that.
"How did she do it?" Jennie asked.
"How did what?"
"How did she move on?" Jennie continues whilst fidgeting onto her tissue.
Her jaws clenched. "How was she able to endure all the pain alone and I can't?"
A silent sniff. "How am I still falling for her when I am already hurting this much?" Her voice cracked.
She felt Jisoo's palm rubbing across her shoulder. "You should've told her."
"You know I can't. You know I can't be that selfish."
"But you will never be able to answer all your questions if you're not giving it a try."
"I'm okay with that. I just don't want to hurt her anymore, she had enough. It's better if I'm the one hurting."
Jisoo could only sigh whilst still caressing Jennie's shoulder. "It would be better if you would tell her, you know."
Jennie shrugs. "It's better this way. I've seen her cried so many times back then because of me. I've seen her change because of me. I've seen her getting hurt because of me. But you know what hurts the most?"
A sad smile. "Is when I am seeing her moving on and here I am, stuck in the loop of regret that my foolishness have created."
Jisoo was about to say something when her phone buzzed for an incoming call. "I have to take this."
Jennie smiles softly. "Go take it, that's probably your schedule changes. Thank you."
"Are you going to sleep here tonight?"
"Yeah."
"I'll sleep here. Just like old times."
This time, Jennie's smile is genuine. "Yes please."
"Okay, I got to go. I'll see you later." Jisoo lands a soft kiss on top of Jennie's forehead before she left her room.
And her life soon becomes empty once again as soon as Jisoo had stepped out of her room — wait, who was she kidding, it was never filled to begin with anyway.
Her heart had become a realm of sadness. The sadness that she had no choice but to suck up before she could even overcome it. To not be able to fall asleep because of loneliness, to not be able to snap out of the pain because of emptiness... all of those have been part of her daily routine.
Depressing to say the least.
Come to think of it, Jennie pursue her love for singing and performing despite the objections of her mother thinking it would truly make her happy than studying for years and years trying to get a degree she never really wanted. Don't get her wrong, performing made her happy but funny how through this field, she had a chance to meet her in the middle only to direct her other side of the road instead of walking together — leaving her empty and hurt.
Foolishness really ruins a life. It's ruining hers.
Jennie's eyes landed on a picture frame, it was a picture of all 4 of them that their staff took at the rooftop of a building in Thailand back in 2017. The young girls in the picture were so happy, were so filled with dreams, were so hopeful — guess they still are except her.
She's unhappy. Her dream right now is just to honestly move on from all this bullshit that she's experiencing every single second of her tiring life. But maybe she's still hopeful, hopeful for a pain free tomorrow.
Jennie could honestly just move out and have her own place too but she can't somehow do so because in the four corners of this place lies the memories that she has with her and those are all that she has. Memories. Just memories.
Still at this place, I can't forget about you.
She's okay being hurt. Call her a masochist for doing this to herself but it's true.. Maybe because all she did was hurt her when they used to be tied to each other. So maybe being hurt, being sad, being in pain, being empty is okay. Yes, for the things she did to Lisa, she's okay with being hurt.
For you I'm okay with being hurt
Since I only gave you pain
During the time we were together
No matter how much she wants them to be in one page, no matter how much she wants to confess and see what happens, no matter how much she's been longing for her, she needs to let her feelings for Lisa go. Lisa deserves someone better than her, someone that will not hurt her.
But you, the love you want
You need to meet someone better than me and be happy
She wants to see Lisa happy. She wants to see Lisa being loved. But one thing that she always pray for, is for Lisa to not totally forget her. Because maybe.. just maybe.. that fateful day will come and she could finally be brave enough to tell her what she truly feels.
But I hope not to the point where you forget me
There are always going to be things you look back on and wish you did differently. In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take and the decisions we waited too long to make.
Pain is real but so is Hope.
Until then, she'll succumb herself into her own wishful thinking.
Until then, she's okay with all of this.
Until then, she will cry silently.
Until then, she will continue to long for her.
Until then, she will love her without hoping for something in return.
Until then... I'll love you secretly, Lisa.