Work Text:
(a/n):
It shouldn't matter much but I suggest reading Without You (3-shot) and then Hope Not (one-shot, Without You's sequel) before reading this.
This is Without You and Hope Not's final sequel.
xoxo.
*********
It's one of the days she had been obviously looking forward to this year. Sure, Jennie met up with the girls whenever their individual schedules permitted them but this time it would be different. All of them are finally back in the country where everything started, where they spent years praying, working, and building up their dreams 12-13 years ago without anyone or any individual schedules hovering over them. She's excited, beyond words.
Tomorrow will be their 8th debut anniversary and all four of them decided to have a sleepover to basically just catch up just like the old days, just like the night before they officially debuted. Though clearly they never really had a proper sleep due to rehearsals and nerves before debuting, it was a fun time to look back on.
Her phone had been buzzing nonstop, it had been such a long time since their group chat had been this lively. They occasionally drop random texts, memes, voice messages, videos, and whatnot but never this noisy — and she would never trade this for anything.
Over a year ago, all she ever wanted was a good rest, a day without anyone pestering her to get ready because they had flights and schedules to catch. Don't get her wrong, she loved every single moment with the girls, their fans, and performing but her body was a single push away from totally collapsing. So though bittersweet, when their last encore show finally ended, Jennie spent an entire week in her house — letting her body rest. But as the months and more than a year went by, three out of four formally launched their own management companies, Jennie missed the chaos of the room filled with waves of laughter, banters, and random snoring in whatever place their bodies dimmed fit to sleep in.
She missed the gossip over a hot cup of ramen, the random videos they recorded on their phones that never saw a glimpse of light outside of their group chats, and though extremely weird to look back on, she missed the fights or misunderstandings they all shared during the tour. Exhaustion and lack of sleep drove them to the edge but they made up anyway.
She missed it.
She missed them.
Lost in her own thoughts, her body moved by reflex and answered her ringing phone. "Hello?"
"My Jendukie!!"
It only took two words for her lips to smile so widely, her gums showing, and her eyes forming into crescents. "Jisoo unnie! Are you ready?"
"Yup. I'm heading out now, actually."
Jennie involuntarily stared at her wall clock and instantly was on her feet. "Oh shoot, it's already this late?"
Jennie could hear Jisoo giggling on the other side. "Let me guess, you were daydreaming again, huh?"
Jennie grabbed her purse, car keys, and Kuma's leash before going downstairs, her sleepover bag was already in her car. "No, I am not." When she did not hear any answer, she followed it with a groan. "Fine! Yeah, kind of."
Jisoo chuckled again. "There. That fits you better, being truthful, I mean. You're bringing Kuma with you?"
The other girl was making sure Kuma's safe in her car before she closed the door of the backseat. "Yeah, mom is out of town. Is Chaeng going to bring Hank too? How about Dalgom?"
"Dalgom had allergies so he's staying with my parents and yes, Chaeng's bringing Hank. You know she would because I swear to God, that teenager dog might actually not recognize her anymore if she's not bringing him with her whenever she's in town. Hank's in his rebel stage."
Jennie laughed, now all buckled up and ready to drive off. "You exaggerate too much."
"Well, true. But that's the point."
Both women laughed. "God, I missed you. Alright, I'll see you in a bit?"
"I missed you too. Are you wearing makeup though?"
"Full on? No. I am surely going to look like a peasant."
"Well, at least it makes the two of us."
Jennie couldn't hide another cackle. "Sounds fair. Now, I gotta go. I'll see you shortly."
"Alright! Drive safely, Jendeuk. Love you."
"Love you too."
Looking back, Jennie had never thought they'd be where they are now. She's not going to be a hypocrite and say she never wanted any recognition but this was beyond what she had cried that put her to sleep during her trainee years. Multiple awards, multiple recognitions, headlining huge festivals, and successful solo endeavors. She could never ask for more. Well no, lies. There's one thing she wants but it's best to never talk about it.
The security immediately buzzed her in without further questioning, not only because they knew who she was but because she had frequently visited the gated community alongside the other girls when the owner was in town.
Jennie almost instantly threw herself at the grinning woman when she got out of the car, hugging the older as tight as she could. "You just got here?"
"Hello too, Jendeuk." Jisoo chuckled while helping Jennie get her bag while the latter was taking Kuma out from the backseat. "Hello too, Kuma." she tickled the dog's chin before she finally answered the question. "Probably 5 minutes or so ago."
"Oh, good. I thought I made you wait for so long."
"And who says I am waiting for you?"
Jennie grinned and nudged the chuckling Jisoo while they headed to the doorbell. "Me. Because I said so."
"Confident much?"
"Very much so. You look great by the way?"
Jisoo gasped after pushing the button. "Please don't make me feel better. I know I look whack but you look nice. You had a great rest, huh?"
"Right." Jennie couldn't stop rolling her eyes earning a grin from the older and preferred not to argue knowing she's never going to win. "Yeah, I slept well last night. Had to put my phone on silent because Chaeng was loud."
As they waited, Jisoo looked at the camera and said. "I missed it though."
"Me too, tremendously." Both women smiled and just in time, they heard a buzz and the gate unlocking.
"Unnies!" Chaeyoung launched herself towards the two expecting women, hugging each of them as tight as she could. Hank and Kuma now barking and running around the huge space, happy to be reunited again.
When they parted, Jennie scanned the blonde and grinned. "Beautiful as always."
Chaeyoung blushed. "Unnie, stop! Both of you are way more beautiful though."
Jisoo waved her off. "Nah. Just accept it, you look like a princess. Right, Jen?"
Jennie nodded but her eyes wandered and the other two did not miss it. "She's in the cat's room. Louis made a mess." Chaeyoung said while ushering the two to the living room.
"What time did she land? You got here first?" Jisoo inquired.
Chaeyoung nodded, occupying a space on the huge couch. "Four hours ago, more or less. She called me before she boarded and asked me if I could get here first. You know I could not say no to her."
"No one could. Also, shall we go live? Instagram? That damn Weverse app?"
Chaeyoung dramatically placed her hand against her chest, clutching her shirt, "Ouch unnie. We just met and that's all you could think of?"
Jisoo playfully rolled her eyes. "We do not have time." earning laughs from the other two.
Not long after, all three of them found themselves wincing all thanks to Lisa basically running and screaming while calling the names of the duo. "Jesus Christ, Lisa!" That was Jisoo but all she could do was laugh when she was pounced by the youngest on the couch, almost knocking her air out of her.
"I miss you!" Lisa squealed.
Casually patting the youngest's head with her right hand and left arm around her mid-torso, Jisoo said. "And I miss you too but did you hear me screaming? Good Lord. Are you not jetlagged?"
As they part, Lisa looked down when she finally got back on her feet. "Like crap."
All four of them laughed, "Chaeyoung too is still feeling it." Lisa added.
Lisa then turned her attention to the second oldest and like clockwork, Jennie's chest started drumming so hard and loud. Those gentle eyes and beautiful smile never prevented her system from short-circuiting. 13 years later, it's still the same.
Lisa gently hugged her, actually, it's snuggling at this point. "Hello, Jennie unnie. I miss you."
Jennie's arms automatically wrapped around the youngest, as gently but firmly as she could, as if Lisa would be gone when she let her go. "Hello." she breathed out. "I miss you too."
She felt Lisa's weight distribution increase, as if she's melting right in Jennie's arms. "You okay?" Jennie whispered.
Lisa nodded, "Hm. Just tired, really."
"Then take a nap." Lisa just hummed as she repositioned herself to cuddle Jennie sideways.
Jisoo loudly huffed. "I got a bone-crushing hug and Jennie got a gentle snuggle?"
Lisa peeked out from Jennie's neck and Jennie hoped the youngest did not notice how her breath shook. "You have strong bones."
"And Jendeuk doesn't?"
"Yes."
"Biased!"
"Just being honest."
"I am not that weak, Lisa."
"Could've fooled me," Lisa said and received a gentle pinch from Jennie.
"See? Biased!" Both Lisa and Jisoo stuck their tongues out but ended up laughing.
Shaking her head, Chaeyoung asked, "Unnie, you got the cakes?" and stood, feeling a tad bit parched. Jetlag's still kicking her ass.
Jennie hummed while being so hyper-aware that one of Lisa's thumbs was caressing her sides while she gently stroked the youngest's back, trying to lull her to sleep. "Yeah, they should be delivered in an hour or so."
"Nice." and disappeared into Lisa's kitchen while Jisoo started answering texts from her team.
"Hey, get some nap. I'll wake you up when the cakes are here." Jennie said.
Lisa nuzzled the tip of Jennie's shoulder, arms still rounded around her figure. "Promise?"
Jennie chuckled, a baby, always. "What are we? Eighteen?"
"And I'll be seventeen. Remember the age difference, unnie."
Jennie playfully pinched Lisa's side again earning a yelp followed by a chuckle. "Just saying." Lisa continued.
"Shut up. Just get some sleep. I promise I'll wake you up."
Jennie shivered when Lisa's lips touched her skin, it did not even last a second longer but Jennie felt herself crumbling. All the unspoken feelings are slowly creeping out, again. Bad timing. Not now. "Okay."
Lisa settled her head on Jennie's lap and it took Jennie a few hair strokes until Lisa's breathing went labored and even. She's asleep. "She's asleep?" Jisoo inquired.
Jennie's eyes wandered all over Lisa's face. She does not remember the last time they were this close, that she could count the faint freckles on the Thai's face. "Yeah, that fast."
"Not surprised, she was not able to get a proper sleep during the travel." Chaeyoung chimed in with a glass of lemon-induced water in tow.
"When do you plan on telling her?" Jisoo carefully asked.
Jennie's eyes were still glued to the peacefully sleeping beauty on her lap. "That would be unnecessary. You know it's too late."
She could hear both women sitting across her sighing. "You really should've told her before things got so complicated."
A bitter smile. "I know but like I told you that night, I couldn't be that selfish anymore, unnie. She's already happy and let's keep it that way."
Complicated is an understatement. She tried, she really did. She tried going out with others, she tried dating others and every time she remembered it, she couldn't help but cringe at herself. Her desperation to convince herself that she had moved on, that whatever they have was for the better, that as long as Lisa is happy she should be too but fuck it. Fuck that.
She. Had. Not. Moved. On.
And it hurts.
She must've gotten so much better with masking her feelings really because as observant as Lisa is, her body language says she did not notice a single thing.
Lisa used to be so attuned to her but that's been severed. A long time ago.
And that hurts.
Lisa is not shy about sharing their pictures and videos in their group chat either and Jennie could tell that the youngest is happy and perhaps even contented. She should be happy too, yeah? But no. Her heart bleeds every single day. It bleeds for her. It reaches for her.
And all of that hurts.
"Doubt that," Chaeyoung said, it came out as a whisper and Jennie barely heard it.
Jennie looked up to stare at the blonde. "What?"
Chaeyoung smiled and shook her head. "Nothing unnie."
"You said something though."
"Yeah, but I already forgot it."
Jennie stared at the smiling blonde who's now engaging in a conversation with Jisoo. She wanted to ask again but Lisa stirred, effectively grabbing Jennie's entire attention. She gently and quietly hushed her back to sleep.
"You stopped caressing my hair." Lisa groggily said making Jennie chuckle and went back to stroking the now healthy and dark strands.
"Sorry, just got distracted by the girls. Go back to sleep."
"Hmm."
She's too close yet too far. So now, she's going to keep doing this until their cakes arrive and set up everything for the live they all agreed on.
Their broadcast ended shortly. It had been such a long time since they had done it but they moved like an oiled machine. All four of them were engaged and kept the conversation going until they decided to cut it short so Chaeyoung and Lisa could get their well-deserved rest.
"Are your guest rooms ready?" Jisoo asked while they were clearing and cleaning up everything.
Lisa looked up from wiping the table. "Yes, but I thought we're sleeping together?"
"Oh? That's better!" Jisoo instantly beamed and quickly wiped her wet hands.
"I'll get it ready for us." Lisa continued after washing the cloth she used.
Back on her feet, Chaeyoung quipped. "Let me help you then!"
As the duo disappeared upstairs to get the master bedroom ready for all four of them, Jennie finally finished cleaning up the dishes and utensils before she joined Jisoo in the living room who's playing tug of war with Hank with one hand and the other hand gently caressing the sleeping Kuma curling right beside her.
"How are you feeling?"
Jennie lay on the spot across Jisoo with a huge but quiet exhale. "I am alright. It still feels so surreal that we debuted 8 years ago. Time went by so fast because I swear I feel like I am still 20 years old but my body disagrees with that every year."
Jisoo chuckled. "I totally feel you. We've gone through so much."
"That we did."
They went silent for a few moments, letting Hank's playful growls while tugging the toy out of Jisoo's hand fill the entire space.
"You know, I still think you should tell her."
Jennie huffed. "Unnie, we went through this already." Jisoo definitely got Jennie's full attention now. The younger looked at her with a slight frown etched on her forehead.
"Okay, before you go off. I am just saying. Are you even going to be okay living your life full of what-ifs? I understand that you do not want to ruin her happiness, I get it but Lisa deserves to know somehow?"
"If she did not go through all those years of heartbreaks caused by me, then maybe she deserves to know but you know that is not the case. Telling her my labored and obviously late feelings for her would not bring her any good. We've talked about this years ago, why are we still having this conversation?"
Jisoo sighed. Jennie still doesn't get it. Why does she have to go through this conversation over and over again? Peeling up an old wound is not her forte and it will never be. "I don't know? Because maybe if I am you.. I would rather be selfish and give her that type of, I don't know, closure?"
Jennie pushed herself up to take a sit. "No. The answer will always be no. I got through all these years just fine and I'd like to keep it that way."
Jisoo's reply went back down her pipe when the duo's rushing steps and giggles echoed out of the room. "It's ready!" Lisa announced as she peeked from the second floor alongside the blonde. "The showers are ready as well."
Both of the Kims looked up. "Alright! We're heading upstairs!" Jisoo said and stood up immediately. "Think about it, Jendeuk." And called out the names of the two dogs to follow her.
Jennie had gotten used to Jisoo and Chaeyoung's random conversations about her unrequited feelings but today seemed a bit too frequent for her liking.
She remained idle on the couch with her right arm over her eyes as she took in all of Jisoo's words. Maybe she should? Years of keeping and enduring everything made her think that what they have right now is fine and that she should continue hiding all of it because what's another few more years, right? But maybe Jisoo is right. Maybe all she has to do is tell Lisa everything and maybe that's the only way for her to finally move on. To finally let her Lili go.
But at the back of her mind, there's a lingering yet loud voice telling her she's being stupidly selfish. That confessing now would totally ruin everything she had built to keep her feelings in check while keeping Lisa close for the past half a decade.
Jennie wondered why the heck is she feeling all of this, on their damn 8th anniversary, and on the night they're obviously sharing a bed. Not being able to see Lisa physically for months is definitely the biggest factor. Nostalgia is hitting her so hard, even her feelings are being knocked out of her chest and she does not know how much longer she's able to hold it all in.
"You're not coming up?"
The voice scared the bejesus out of Jennie that it had her jerking up to take a sit. "Jesus Christ, Lisa. Don't sneak up on me like that!" Right hand on her chest.
Lisa giggled. "I am sorry, it's always so fun to do that." now standing a few feet from Jennie.
Jennie glared at her. "And if I get a heart attack?"
"I believe in reverse psychology so that means you're not getting that."
Jennie could only roll her eyes.
"What were you thinking though? You looked like you were deep in your thoughts."
Jennie reached out for her purse and phone before she stood up and faced the youngest. "Just tired, I guess."
Lisa tilted her head and stayed quiet, it almost made Jennie squirm being the receiver of that gentle stare. "We may have not seen each other in quite a while, but I still know when you're lying, Nini."
Fuck. That nickname. This is so unfair. She needed to get out of here. Now!
"You're overthinking, Lili." She then moved out of the couch and headed to the stairs. "Come on. Oh, who's using your bathroom?" Jennie could feel the stare at the back of her head but she did not look back.
Jennie heard a sigh and footsteps soon trailed her as they made their way upstairs. "Jisoo unnie. Chaeyoung had hers earlier before the both of you got here. I won't be using it too."
"I see. Then I'll use it next."
Jennie felt a hand around her wrist as she was about to twist the knob open when they reached the second floor. It took all of her strength to keep her knees from wobbling, terribly like a damn lovesick teenager. "Hm?" Jennie had to internally pat herself for turning around to face Lisa again.
Those doe eyes are filled with worry, questions, and something Jennie could not point out. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"
Jennie hummed. "I know but there is really nothing."
"Are you sure?"
"Hundred percent."
They just stared at each other's eyes, as if waiting for who's going to give in first. Jennie had pretty much mastered all the tricks needed to mask her true emotions towards the youngest whenever they're this close but with all the surge of emotions she had felt the entire night, she's not so sure how convincing she's being at this point.
Lisa sighed. "Alright. If you say so. But promise me you'll tell whatever you have in that beautiful mind of yours whenever you're ready."
Jennie could've sworn she's blushing right now. Oh God. Lovesick Teenager. She masked it off with a chuckle. "Always has a way with your words."
Hand still holding Jennie's wrist, Lisa said. "I am being honest."
"I know." Jennie smiled. "And I will tell you whenever I am ready. Happy?"
Lisa's still obviously not convinced but nodded anyway. "Yes."
"Now let's get inside before we hear Jisoo unnie's loud voice."
Both of them giggled as they made their way inside the bedroom. Chaeyoung was in the center of the huge bed while Jisoo's busy drying her hair. And oh, Lisa refused to let go of her wrist by the way until she had no choice but to do so when Jennie was on her way to the bathroom.
Jennie took all her time, rinsing all her worries and nerves out of her system if that was even possible. When she's finally done, she got dressed and dried her hair in the bathroom before heading out.
"We thought you were drained in there. What took you so long?" Jisoo chimed in immediately, she's now at the corner of the bed right beside Chaeyoung. Her brain finally caught on and she almost visibly panicked, the only space left for her was right in between Lisa and Chaeyoung.
She looked at Jisoo and Chaeyoung, silently asking them to give her their space but none of them even stared at her. Too busy watching whatever show it is on the television.
Crap. Crap. I can't do this. I need to find a way to not sleep beside her.
But her mistake was to look at the youngest, those eyes were asking her to lay right beside her and Jennie wanted to run away. Fuck. I am doomed.
"Ha ha ha. It's not even that long." She diverted. Jennie had no choice but to climb onto the bed and occupy the empty space, masking up all her panic and nervousness like she'd always been doing.
"Almost an hour is long, Jendeuk."
She lay down and mentally crossed her fingers, praying that Lisa would not hear the loud pounding on her chest. "Whatever. What are you guys watching anyway?"
"Bridgerton. Can you believe it unnie, Jisoo unnie had never watched a single episode of this masterpiece!" Chaeyoung said.
Jisoo groaned. "I told you, I was busy!"
"Right, yet you spent more than 10 hours playing your Switch when you bought a new game."
Jisoo gasped. "Who told you that?"
"Your brother."
"Traitor! He's going to hear some from me tomorrow."
All three of the girls laughed before Jennie suddenly became so hyper-aware of her surroundings. She could hear and feel Lisa moving right beside her but she kept her eyes glued on the screen of the television until her body almost flinched when an arm went over and laid rest on her waist.
"Why do you always smell so good?"
Jennie giggled, nervously. "This is your body wash, Lili." Jennie turned her head to look at the youngest and almost regretted it. Their faces were so damn close and Jennie almost visibly panicked. Almost.
Lisa looked dead straight into her eyes. "Exactly the point. You always smell good, appropriately good too in whatever body wash you use or something."
Jennie laughed while turning her head back in the direction of the television screen. "You are so silly." She quietly exhaled. "What season is this?"
"First, episode one." Chaeyoung chimed in but never looked away.
"Don't forget we have to get up early tomorrow."
"Yeah yeah. Two episodes and I'll see if I should watch this alone."
All four of them were silently watching the show with casual commentaries from Jisoo and Chaeyoung. Jennie on the other hand could not concentrate. Lisa's thumb was caressing her side and her cheek occupied Jennie's shoulder. Jennie tried her best not to get visibly affected by it though, years worth of practice somehow made things easier though she caught herself slipping from time to time.
"You're deep in your thoughts again," Lisa asked quietly, as if afraid of getting heard by the other two.
Jennie smiled. "Have so many things to do, probably that."
"Wanna talk about it?"
"We could but it's work so I'd rather not talk about it." It's half true. Jennie felt goosebumps all over her body when Lisa, for the love of God, nuzzled her shoulder. Not fair. Totally not fair.
"If it's bothering you, we could. Always here to listen but if you prefer not to, then I am fine with that too."
"Thank you."
And they went quiet again but Jennie knew there was an impending conversation. What could that be, she doesn't know but her gut feeling said it's probably not what she wanted. Lisa remained quiet throughout and Jennie did not know if that should make her grateful or worried, nonetheless, she's okay with it.
Jennie had no idea when and how she had fallen asleep but she found herself in a quiet dimly lit room with the other three sleeping peacefully at 2 o'clock in the morning - or at least that's what the digital clock's showing.
The urge to look at Lisa was strong but she was able to stop herself from doing so, afraid that once she did, she might not be able to look away and that will continue to break her heart.
With a huff and a dry mouth, Jennie went downstairs to grab a glass of water and ended up staring at the night sky as she settled herself on one of the chairs on Lisa's back porch. The moon was a crescent surrounded by beautiful stars — it was so breathtaking.
She had been doing this recently — watching the night sky and how beautiful and peaceful she felt while doing so. After everything that happened to her over the past decade, appreciating nature had been a wonderful way for her to relax and be herself without anyone studying and judging her every move. The moon, specifically, does not judge. It continues to shine at night, it does not matter whether it's getting covered, it will continue to do so until it could light up the night. A reminder to Jennie that no matter how tough and dark the times are, just continue to do what you want and you'll be rewarded — you can be the light to someone who needs it.
And the moon reminded her of that time in their dorm a couple of years ago. When they were on the brink of panicking when Lisa suddenly disappeared and was only able to reach at night time by Jisoo. The moon was witness to how broken and cold Lisa was that night when Jennie found her on the balcony.
The moon witnessed her cowardice.
The moon witnessed her realization.
The moon witnessed her regrets.
The moon witnessed her silent cries at night.
The moon witnessed her sorrows.
The moon witnessed her pain.
It's always the moon.
But the moon never judged her.
But Jennie knew that if the moon could talk, she'd already gotten an earful, no doubt.
"I knew I'd find you here."
That scared Jennie off of her fluffy indoor slippers and she almost dropped the glass. She didn't have to turn around to know who it was, of course. "Jesus Christ, Lisa. Stop sneaking on me!"
Lisa giggled. The audacity to laugh at my mini heart attack! And Jennie turned her head in Lisa's direction with a glare. "Whoops! Sorry. I did not mean it."
"The sneaking up or when you're laughing at my situation?"
"Both?"
Jennie scooted to give Lisa some space to sit beside her. "No, you don't."
Lisa grinned. "Right." and immediately received a gentle shove from the older. "What are you doing here, anyway? It's still dawn."
Jennie had a brief moment to admire Lisa's barefaced, slightly disheveled hair, and slightly puffy eyes. She's so beautiful that it hurts. It just hurts to not have you, at all. Before she looked away and stared back at the sky again.
"Got thirsty and the sky was so clear tonight so I thought I'd be here for a bit until my glass is empty."
"You're right. It's so nice tonight. Probably a great omen, no?"
Jennie hummed. "I'd like to think so."
They went silent after that. Jennie felt the same uneasy feeling that she felt back in the bedroom though but the silence was not awkward. It's peaceful and comforting. Perhaps because Lisa had become her peace and comfort without her knowing when it started or if it would even ever end.
"Can I ask you something?" Lisa was the first one to break the silence.
Without looking away from the stars, she's counting and already in her 23rd. "Of course. What is it?"
"Did you ever think we would work?"
And there it was. Every time she felt uneasy, something like this would happen and she wanted to run. She might not be doing fairly well with her moving on but she was genuinely happy with her pace. This would just bring her back to zero, for the nth time.
"H-huh? What are you talking about?" Fuck her stuttering and overdriving brain. Get a grip, Jennie Kim!
"You know what I am talking about." In Jennie's peripheral vision, Lisa's now staring at her. Can this concrete swallow me or something? But there is no point in running away from this, perhaps dancing around would help, no?
Jennie bravely turned her head and looked at Lisa. "No, I don't. Care to clarify it?"
Lisa sighed and Jennie wished that it was going to be the end of this conversation but the younger is apparently on tactical advances tonight. Jennie did not train herself long enough for this. "There are so many untouched and unwanted conversations that you and I both know that we were only dancing around for years. I just," a sigh. "Can we be honest tonight, please?"
Jennie crumbled, all those defenses she built for years crumbled just like that. All because of a please and a pair of pleading eyes. Weak. Fuck. Jennie could only sigh. "Lisa, as you said, we have plenty of conversations that we have been avoiding for years but what does that bring to us if we talked about it? Closure?"
Lisa remained quiet but did not look away from Jennie's piercing yet soft gaze.
Jennie felt like being thrown in an icy bath. So it is. "Closure, huh?"
"Maybe."
Another crack in Jennie's already broken heart. "I see." The moon witnessed it again. She suddenly felt weak and she had to lean back to keep herself from shaking and placed the now empty glass beside her while holding it. "Be honest, we shall then."
Lisa followed her movements but never tore her gaze from her. "Okay. Now, can you answer my question?"
Jennie's the first one to look away, afraid that if she continued to look at Lisa, she might break down and she won't let her years of working on herself just give out like that. So she looked at the moon once again, silently pleading to help her get through the night.
"Yes. I think we would work if I had not been a coward. It's safe to assume that you already know how I feel about and towards you." The Jennie chuckled, mainly towards herself. "This confession is so not romantic but fuck it."
"How long?"
"5 years, since 2019."
Jennie could still feel Lisa's stare. "Why didn't you tell me anything?" Lisa asked again.
"You're already moving on just fine, Lisa, and I do not blame you for doing so. I was just happy to be part of your journey no matter how hopeless that sounded."
Silence. Jennie turned her head again to look at Lisa again, still looking at her. "I have not moved on from you that year."
Jennie gulped down an invisible lump in her throat. Yeah, she knew. "I know."
Lisa chuckled. "I kinda had a feeling that you knew hence I kept hanging around with my other friends which did not help."
"But you were making progress. You no longer looked the other way when we talked, you no longer sat far away from me when we were hanging out with the other girls, and so on. I never wanted to ruin that so I kept everything to myself." which consumed me for years.
"I was that bad, huh?"
Jennie snorted. "Yeah, but again, I didn't and still do not blame you. We cope differently but I am just glad we got through that."
Silence.
"I never blamed you for not returning the feelings back then, you know. I just wanted the pain to go away so I kept avoiding you but it did not help, at all."
"How did you do it?" Maybe Jennie can get some pointers from it. Maybe she can use the same method so she can move on and stop harboring this unrequited love.
Lisa shrugged, still looking at Jennnie's face. "I had no idea how I did it. It's just one day, I decided to stop running away from you and let the time do what it's supposed to do."
"Heal?"
"Yeah."
Well shit, Jennie had done that but still did not help. Maybe time has favoritism.
"How about you?"
"How about me what?"
"How did you move on?"
Jennie just went silent and stared at Lisa. There's no need to answer because she never did anyway. Jennie saw how Lisa's eyes went from curiosity to going full wide.
"Y-You. Y-You never d-did?"
Jennie smiled painfully but it was a sincere smile. "Yeah. I never did." Fuck it. Now that we are here, I might as well get my own closure. Maybe this would help me. "I still love you, Lisa. I never stopped."
Lisa was silent, eyes still wide open while looking straight at Jennie. After a few more moments of just silence, Jennie looked away and finished whatever's left in her glass. "Don't worry, Lisa. I've come to accept what we're never going to have and that's okay. You're happy and I am glad you found someone. He's a great guy." Jennie pushed herself up to stand up and she noticed how light things have become. Maybe... this is what her entire being is waiting for. A closure.
"Let's get inside. We still have hours before we get ready." Lisa stared blankly at the view in front of her, dazed. "Lisa?" Jennie asked.
"You go ahead. I'll stay here for a bit." Lisa said without looking at Jennie and the latter wanted to smack herself for that. This is one of the reasons why she never wanted to talk about this but she's been back to the corner and had no choice but to do so. Lisa said it herself anyway, she wanted the truth.
"Okay? Alright. Don't stay here too long. It's cold."
Jennie stared blankly at the ceiling when she's finally back in the bedroom. Her thoughts are going a hundred miles per hour and she doubts that she'll fall asleep again. She'd just act like she is when Lisa comes back.
"Have you two talked?"
For the second time in a span of an hour, her soul left her body for a brief moment. "Jesus Christ, Rosie! What's with you and Lisa and your fascination with scaring the life out of me?"
The blonde giggled. "Sorry, unnie. I didn't know how to let you know I'm awake."
"Nudge me, maybe?" she turned to the blonde with a glare.
Another giggle. "And that would still startle you."
"Maybe but definitely not like this." she breathed out, trying to calm her raging breathing. "Why are you up anyway?"
"I noticed both of your absences. Have you two talked?"
Jennie looked back at the ceiling and sighed. "Yeah."
"And?"
"And that's it. She wanted closure, I gave her that and surprisingly, I felt better. Years of holding it all in was finally lifted out of my system. I am okay."
"She didn't say anything?"
Jennie shook her head. "No, and I don't blame her. I left her outside too."
Chaeyoung sighed. "That dumbass."
Jennie looked back. "Huh?"
"Nothing, unnie." she smiled before turning to the other side where Jisoo's lying. "Good night, unnie."
"Rosie, tell me."
"..."
"Chaengie.. come on."
"..."
"Roseanne Park Chaeyoung."
A sigh. "Go back downstairs, unnie. Talk to her. I am not in the position to tell you so go."
"Any hint?"
"None. Just go downstairs. Go."
The bed dipped and her back felt cold again followed by the door opening and closing shut.
"I am tired of seeing them doing hide and seek." Jisoo suddenly said while her back's facing Chaeyoung.
"Same. They need to talk though. Did Lisa tell you about it?"
"Of that"?
"Yeah."
"Yup."
And both sighed in unison.
***
Lisa's still on the bench while looking at the sky when Jennie went downstairs. Jennie does not have to see it fully because she knows the younger too well. Those eyes have so many emotions, untold stories, and perhaps confusion too.
"Are you not going back upstairs?"
Lisa did not turn her head to look at her. "He'd proposed."
Jennie felt her world spinning and if it was not because of her hand holding the frame of the sliding door, she'd probably buckled. "R-really? Congratulations."
Lisa finally turned to look at her. "You can stop acting."
Jennie felt offended. "Excuse me?"
"You can stop acting like you're happy."
Jennie's eyebrows are now frowning, oh, she's getting pissed. "I laid my heart and emotions earlier and you're suddenly using it against me? I am genuinely happy for you!"
Lisa's once calm eyes were now blazing, Jennie could recognize that anywhere, she's getting angry. "Genuinely? You confessed earlier that you still have feelings for me and when I tell you he proposed you're saying you're happy?"
Almost fuming, Jennie walked straight to Lisa. "Two can be true at once, Lisa. Yes, I still love you, heck, I said I never stopped but we're not together. You're not mine. You were never mine and you got proposed to! What do you want to hear from me? That 'did you say yes? Do you want to marry him?' Of co-"
"And if that's what I want to hear from you?!" Lisa stood up, rather angrily too.
Jennie almost choked on her own spit but she won't back down. Not when in their whole conversation, it's always about if and maybe for the youngest. She's done with this, might as well get over with it. "If?! Are you hearing yourself?" Jennie stopped just a few steps away from the latter.
"I am, loud and clear."
Jennie breathed in. "Look, I am sorry for everything that I did and all the secrets that I hid from you. I should've not told you some of it and kept it til my death if you're going to act all berserk on me like this!"
"You are so unfair, Jennie."
Jennie's eyebrows are now furrowed even deeper, and her entire face's now frowning and very much confused. "What the hell are you talking about?! How am I unfair?"
"I was already so sure of everything, Jennie."
"So? What does that have something to do with me?"
Lisa started walking toward Jennie, causing the latter to step back involuntarily. "I was already so sure that things were okay, that whatever the world would throw at me, I would be fine. I have someone who's willing to accept me for who am I, for what I feel, and for what I want. I am doing what I want but why? Why did I say no to his proposal and never even once felt sorry seeing how devastated and hurt he was when I rejected him?"
Jennie gulped. "I—.."
Lisa shook her head as she kept walking closer to the older. "Jennie, why? Why did I still have hope for us? Why does my heart still yearn for you?"
Jennie finally get it. She finally stopped stepping back, her body finally relaxed, and her eyes were finally seeing through Lisa. "Lisa.."
Jennie could see the pool in Lisa's beautiful doe eyes that were threatening to fall. "I said no. I told him I was not ready. That I don't think I will ever be ready for a lifetime commitment. And yet, here I am. In front of you. Desperately wanting you to take me away from him. Jennie. Why are you so unfair?"
It might be the desperation and sadness in Lisa's voice, or how her shoulders were slowly losing their strength, or might be because of how careful, sad, yet brave those eyes were, Jennie is not sure but she just reached out to hold both sides of Lisa's beautiful face and crashed their lips together.
Jennie was afraid that Lisa might push her and loathe her entire existence but when Lisa's lips moved and her hands landed on her hips, Jennie threw all the worries and caution out of the window. Under the soft glare of the moon, they shared their first and very intimate kiss. None of it was out of frenzy and no bruising lips.
It was slow, intimate, and soft. Both of them are careful, obviously not wanting to hurt or scare the other one. Exposing their harbored feelings to one another. Every gentle bite and nibble exposes their true feelings. They yearn for each other. They want each other.
As their kiss ended, their forehead rested against one another, and both panting, Jennie said, "Are you sure about this?"
Lisa closed her eyes and let the tip of their nose touch. "Do you mean it when you said you still love me?"
The gentleness of Lisa's voice when she said that made Jennie smile, both thumbs caressing the latter's cheeks. "Yes. I love you, Lisa."
With Lisa's eyes still closed, she gently brushed their noses together. "Then take me, Jennie."
"Are you okay with us hiding this? And live a life where you can't obviously tell the world you're in a relationship? You know it's not going to be easy."
"Being in a relationship is not easy, Jen. He and I were not exactly that public either."
"Are you sure?" she had to ask twice.
Lisa smiled. "Yes. Never been this sure."
Jennie's heart's pounding extremely hard, she might actually go into cardiac. This is too good to be true. After five years? Just like that? "How about him, Lisa?"
Lisa finally opened her eyes and moved her face a bit further from Jennie just so she could have a full look on her face. "We took a break after his proposal and I'll break up with him first thing when the sun comes up."
"Break it to him nicely, Lisa. He's been nothing but good to you and to us, he deserves that at least." thumbs still caressing Lisa's cheeks without removing her feline eyes from the doe eyes.
Lisa smiled. "Don't worry, I know. So.." Eyes expectant.
Jennie mirrored the smile and gently pulled the face down for a gentle chaste peck. "I love you. Come home to me again."
Lisa pressed her forehead against Jennie's while smiling. "I love you too. It's so good to be home again."
They shared another gentle kiss before they finally settled into having each other in their arms while looking at the moon that had been a witness to everything they both had gone through. It's going to be a challenge but Jennie and Lisa silently vowed to the moon that whatever happens, they will fight for them.
Meanwhile... Jisoo and Chaeyoung carefully ran back to the bedroom while giggling, "Finally!"
The cats, Kuma, and Hank all walked back to their spots and beds to sleep after witnessing everything that happened to the duo from the huge window of the bedroom they were in.
With the moon shining its light on the bedrooms through the windows and Lisa's phone that was on silent displaying a missed call.
— THE END —
ps: fck that "green-eyed french boy".