Archive of Our Own

Dean stares at the small package of pills in their crinkly plastic wrapping. They are packed individually and there are not too many of them. Taking too many of them would be bad. So they're not giving them out in big bottles, but instead in these small packages. Easy to count, too, that way. Whether more pills are missing than should be missing. Or not enough. Not that he thinks Cas will count. Unless Dean asks him to. 

Dean can't shake it, though. How the pills feel a lot like some of his personal worst case scenarios. 

He keeps telling himself that it's not because he's too much. He talked this through with Billie more than once. And they both decided that it would be worth the try. Cas didn't have anything to do with the decision at all. In fact, Dean only told him about it after Billie had already given him the prescription. So there's absolutely no reason why it should feel like Dean's too much to handle and needs to be drugged to be less of a hassle. 

That is, he kind of maybe thinks that way of himself. Cause being less of a hassle and functioning better is the goal. It's the long-term goal, though. 

Because in the short-term, these meds are also doing the opposite. 

Take them right before bedtime, they'll make you tired immediately. 

Dean grimaces. He knows it’s one of their main purposes, but he doesn't like it. Doesn't like being knocked out. For one, it’s gonna mean that instead of being more helpful, he’s actually less so. 

The baby monitor is already on Cas' nightstand. Because Cas promised to be the one to react to any noise because Dean will be too drowsy with the meds to get up. But then, Cas has done that lately anyway. Caring for the pups at night. An attempt to give Dean more space to relax and sleep better. It’s not been working. Because Dean’s awake anyway and then Cas gets up and Dean’s just lying there in his bed, this white hot feeling of being useless in his belly. 

So now the hope is that with the meds, that will be gone. That his nights will actually be restful. If he can get himself to take them. 

Because beyond the issue of being useful, there’s also this slimy feeling of fear. Because he’ll be knocked out. He nodded and said he understood, back when it was Cain who refused any meds to calm him down because he wanted to be awake and alert, to at least know what was happening to him even if he wasn’t in charge of it. But Dean doesn’t think he really let himself understand back then. Not on the primal level he is forced to understand at now. If he’s unconscious, anyone can do anything to him. And yeah, on a logical level he knows nothing is gonna happen other than that maybe it's gonna be a bit fuzzy exactly how much Cas cuddled him. Maximum factor of unknown in his own bed. But the feeling still doesn’t go away. And he kind of really doesn’t want to look any closer at it because if he looks closer he’s going to find all the memories attached to it. 

Because they were two energetic boys when they were small. And sometimes his dad had had no patience for their antics and had just wanted them to be quiet. Other times there was a hunt and John said it wasn’t safe for them to stay alone. Sometimes, Dean would go to sleep in his own bed and wake up in the car three states over, groggy and hurting and still in his PJs.   

Dean rubs a hand over his face when there’s the sound of the bathroom light shutting off and then the tapping of Cas’ bare feet on the floor. 

“I think it was my mom who gave him the idea.”

“Huh?” Cas asks. 

Dean gestures vaguely at the pill package. “I think sometimes she didn’t want to deal with us. Or me, anyway. I think Sam was too young for her to - you know.”

Cas frowns before sitting down on his side of the bed. “What are you saying?”

Dean sighs. He wishes Cas would get it without him having to spell it out. “There were pills sometimes. When I wasn’t feeling sick. I know that later I didn’t want to take them. That I tried to argue with dad - John. But I never won. He always made me take them. And then I would be missing some time and then I’d wake up feeling,” he shakes his head, “not quite there, you know?” 

“He drugged you?” Cas asks, apparently too dumbfounded to smell murderous for the moment.

“Think he might have given me the adult dosage or something cause Billie said these are supposed to wear off after eight hours. And I don’t remember it being that way.” He swallows hard. “Always thought it was his own idea. Like, he needed us out of the way for a hunt, needed us to not run off or be out of his hair so he could do his job, and he thought this was the best solution. I mean, it kept us safe. Can’t really get into trouble when you’re asleep. I mean, unless other people…” He stops and clears his throat. Yeah, he still doesn’t want to go there. “Anyway, now that I’ve been thinking about it, I remember that it wasn’t just John. Mom gave me meds, too, sometimes.”

For once, Cas seems at an utter lack of words. Or he doesn’t say anything, anyway. 

Dean exhales a shaky breath. He’s already brushed his teeth, there’s no reason to stall any longer. Still, he has to try twice to pop one of the pills out of its container because the first time his fingers don’t want to cooperate. 

“How can I help?”

It’s not what Dean expected Cas to say. Some comment about how he’s sorry for what happened to Dean maybe, anger at Dean’s parents barely suppressed. A reassurance that Dean doesn’t have to take these pills was also a strong contender. But Cas knows that Dean knows all of that. And he probably also knows that a follow-up question would be too much right now.

Dean gives Cas a small grateful smile for that. Because really if he thinks more about the past, he’s not gonna go through with this. So concentrating on the practical is good. And there is actually something Cas can do. 

“Hold me?” Dean asks. “Until I actually fall asleep?” He grimaces. “I mean, you don’t have to give me all of your attention or anything. You can read your book. I just… think it’s gonna feel more okay if my Alpha’s there, protecting me.” He cringes a little at the way that came out, all clingy and needy. He knows there’s no need to be protected. He’s in his own bed, for God’s sake. Memory foam and everything. 

But Cas doesn’t laugh at him. Of course he doesn’t. “I’ll hold you and I’ll watch over you,” he promises solemnly. 

Dean gives him a smile in return, but he knows that it turns out faint. Still, it feels a little better, knowing that Cas will keep watch. So he takes a deep breath and swallows the pill dry before he can lose his courage. It makes him cough. 

"Water, Dean," Cas frowns.

Dan nods and belatedly takes a sip of the water on his nightstand. He shivers. It's inside him now and it'll take a while before it dissolves and the effects become apparent, but it's in there and there's nothing to do but wait. 

"Come here?" Cas asks and opens his arms for Dean, who doesn't have to be asked twice.

He climbs over to Cas, letting his mate hug him close. 

"You're very brave," Cas whispers and kisses his hair. 

Dean huffs because really he's not. All he did was swallow a pill that's like the tenth most prescribed medication in the country. Which probably doesn't say great things about their society, now that he thinks about it, when so many people need treatment for depression and insomnia. 

Cas predictably pokes him because he sees the huff as self-deprecation, but there's nothing in his scent to indicate that he's actually unhappy with Dean. So Dean sticks his nose in the crook of Cas' neck and lets the honey fill his lungs so that the sweetness can drown out the bitter aftertaste of the pill. 

It makes Cas' scent even sweeter, and that's also predictable, because it always makes Cas happy when something he does or something he is helps Dean. Which, after these many years of marriage, Dean kinda thinks the novelty of this should have worn off. That Cas should take it for granted by now because it really works pretty reliably. 

But then, Dean doesn't take it for granted, either. That Cas actually does what he does and always, always helps. In fact, now with his old memories so close to the surface, he takes it less for granted than ever.  He just wishes he'd manage to show his gratitude as much as he wants to. Of course if he tried, Cas would tell him that Dean taking care of himself, going to therapy and working through his issues is already enough. Doesn't feel like it, though. 

He presses a kiss to Cas' chest through his shirt, his gratitude wanting to find some outlet at least. 

Cas' fingers start stroking through Dean's hair in return and it feels nice enough that he can almost forget the looming dark abyss of the meds. 

He doesn't really remember how it felt like with the meds when he was a pup. He remembers the leaden ocean when he had lost too much blood during Mary's birth, but that was different. There was a torrent of pain there that the ocean allowed him to escape from. That was easy to accept. This here? It's  supposed to be similar because it's supposed to give him a reprieve from his thoughts and he should welcome that, but without the physical pain to escape from, there are - well, too many thoughts to embrace it. 

He chuckles at the irony of that. 

“Hmm?” Cas’ fingers stop in their motion. 

“Please don’t stop,” Dean asks, and immediately the fingers card through his hair again, scratching softly at his scalp. He hums his happiness about that, knowing that Cas is able to feel the vibration against his chest. 

“I had to take sleep meds for a while there, too,” Cas offers. 

It’s Dean’s turn to look up with a question in his eyes. 

“Well, you know that I used to have panic attacks for a while there,” Cas gives him a slightly ashamed smile. 

“Huh,” Dean says. “Did you take the same thing as me?”

“No,” Cas shakes his head. “It wasn’t an antidepressant. Just sleep meds. And after an initial two weeks, I managed to have enough of a sleep rhythm that I only needed them occasionally.”

“Huh,” Dean repeats intelligently. 

“It wasn’t that bad. They did what they were supposed to do. But I was just thinking - it would have been nice if I had had you to cuddle with already. It - it was a very lonely time in my life.”

Dean hugs himself closer to Cas because he knows that and he doesn’t like it. “I would want that, too,” he mumbles. “Hey, remember the first time you visited me and Sam in our old house?”

“Of course,” Cas smiles. 

“That’s when I figured it out,” Dean says on an exhale. “That yeah, you were all powerful and shit, but that you had to shoulder everything on your own. And how fucking hard that is. Made a resolution that day to always be there for you and help as much as I can.”

“You have. You are.” Cas huffs silently and shakes his head, “I can remember it, how it was to lead this pack on my own. It’s so distant now. Still unpleasant, though. It’s much better with you. Thank you for supporting me.”

Dena shrugs. “Thanks for letting me. Didn’t ever really think I’d get to do so much - practical help, you know? Kinda was thinking more along the lines of, well, being naked a lot.”

Cas chuckles, “Well, we were that, too, before the pups were born.” 

“Do you miss it?” Dean asks. They have found their way back together after Dean’s started therapy, but it’s still more of an occasional soft love-making than the regular energetic sex that they had when they were newlyweds.

Cas hums as he thinks about it. “Sometimes?” He hedges. “Not so much the constant -,” he blushes and breaks off. “I don’t think any amount of enthusiasm could make my body keep up with it these days,” he says apologetically. 

As if Dean with his broken brain and body that has grown three pups could keep up with the sex drive they’d had back then, even if he’s younger than Cas.  

“But I miss the spontaneity of it all?” Cas makes it sound like a question, but Dean’s pretty sure it isn’t. “There was so much less logistics involved in finding alone time back then.”

It’s most certainly true, but Dean still answers the other part of the statement, “There might be less energy, there’s still enthusiasm. You look hot with your reading glasses.”

Cas snorts a laugh, the mood lightening a bit, which was exactly what Dean intended. Not that the purpose makes the statement untrue. 

“Seriously,” Dean mumbles, feeling somewhat drowsy. “You’re fulfilling all hot professor stereotypes when you’re wearing them.”

“Is that so?” Cas replies, lowering his voice to a sexy drawl. 

“Mmmhm,” Dean nods without lifting his head from Cas’ chest. “Like an intellectual snack on two legs.”

This time, Cas chuckles like what Dean said is funny, the sexiness gone from his tone.

“No, really, I mean it.” But Dean can hear how his words slur. “Think I can’t show you tonight, though. That I mean it.”

“That’s alright,” Cas answers and drops another kiss to Dean’s hair. “Sleep, Dean.”

There is still a bit of that slimy feeling in his stomach, so he asks. “You’re gonna hold watch?” 

“I will,” Cas promises again. “I’m gonna be right here the whole time. Everything is safe. You can sleep, Dean.”

His voice is so confident, there’s not a single doubt in it. So it must be the truth, Dean thinks, and consciously allows the dark wave to push him under. 

Dean wakes up heavy. It takes his blurry mind a moment to figure out that it's a literal feeling because there's an Alpha sleeping halfway on top of him. He wonders whether it's worth the try to go and extricate himself, but there’s no fear reaction in him and it seems like a lot of work, so he just turns his head so that his nose ends up closer to the Alpha’s hair. 

Warm safe loved. Mate.  

He inhales deeply, the scent clearing his mind a little more with every breath. 

His mouth feels dry and there’s the beginning of a headache right behind his eyes, but his eyes hurt less than they normally do these days, so there’s that. He looks over to the glass of water still on his nightstand, but again, so much work to move. His limbs feel sluggish when he takes stock of them. So that will have to wait. 

But overall, it’s not that bad. 

‘Where are we?’ Dean sits up with a start, heart racing.

‘I dunno.’ 

It’s petulant and sullen and Dean exhales a breath of relief. Sam is here and he’s awake and he’s sulking and that means Sam is okay. 

‘Dad?’

There’s no answer to that, the Impala quiet apart from their breathing. Dean peers out of the window. There are the outlines of buildings in the dark, no streetlamp nearby, but it seems like an industrial space of some kind. He grimaces. They better keep their heads down, make sure no one sees them in the car. If someone snatches them here, they can scream themselves hoarse, no one’s gonna listen.

‘Where’s the blanket?’ Dean asks when he notices Sam is shivering. Sam never reacts well to the drugs. Though the fact that Sam was awake before him maybe means that it was actually worth it when he pleaded with dad to give Sam less of the stuff next time. Dean knew that dad doesn’t like to be questioned before he did it, so he knew the consequences were gonna be his own damn fault. 

‘Trunk,’ Sam sighs. 

‘Shit,’ Dean cusses quietly because he knows that getting out of the car is a no-go. It’s like rule number one in these situations. They’re not supposed to wake up before dad is back anyway, so they’re already skirting the edge of dad’s anger and Dean’s pretty sure that the beating he’s gonna get for breaking a big rule like the one about not leaving the car is not actually worth it unless they’re actively freezing to death. ‘Okay, we’ll just make do.’ He checks his clothing, but it’s just PJs, he’s got no second layer to offer to Sam. ‘Come ‘ere.’ 

He opens his arms and Sam gratefully scoots over to huddle up with him. 

“Dean?”

The weight of the Alpha on top of him shifts and then slides off. Dean follows it on instinct, not wanting to lose the scent of safety that comes with it. 

Blue eyes are squinting at him, not quite focused yet, but immediately ready to protect, so Dean’s scent must be giving away that he was trapped in a memory for a moment there. 

Dean puts his arms around Cas. “‘s okay. I’m okay.”

Cas’ arms come up around him, too, but Dean doesn’t think Cas misses the fact that Dean’s used the motion of cuddling up to hide his face from Cas’ view. But Cas before coffee is a Cas that lets him get away with hiding. 

“Wasn’t the drugs, I think. Wasn’t afraid when I woke up. Memory came later.” He mumbles it into Cas’ shirt. 

“Okay,” Cas nods, relief in the way he exhales. “Nightmares?”

“Uhh,” Dean thinks about it, but his mind comes back blank. “Don’t think so. No dreams that I remember, anyway.”

“Okay,” Cas says again. “That’s a good start. How are you feeling otherwise?”

Dean sighs because what use is hiding his face when Cas keeps asking questions. “Bit parched. Headache.”

Immediately, the arms around him fall away and Cas nudges him instead. “Go drink some water.” Dean grumbles a bit, but Cas shakes his head. “It’s right there. You don’t even have to get up.”

“Hmpf,” Dean grumbles some more, but he moves and drinks the water. He downs the whole glass in one big swallow in fact. It does nothing to alleviate the headache, but at least his mouth is less dry. 

When he falls back on the bed, Cas draws him back in, fingers searching his scalp and massaging softly. 

“Ungh,” Dean groans and lets his eyes flutter closed because that feels kind of fantastic.  

Ten minutes of massage later, his brain functions are restored enough that he asks. “Pups?”

“I checked on them at 3am. Rob was a little fussy, but Ben went back to sleep fast and Mary slept through.”

“Hmm,” Dean acknowledges. “Sounds good.”

“Yes,” Cas nods. “I’m glad they didn’t insist on coming over here tonight. Not that I don’t love having them here, but - I wanted to see how you feel waking up after taking the meds without having pups kick you awake.”

“I had an Alpha sleeping on me when I woke up,” Dean chuckles. 

“I’m sorry,” Cas says.

“Nah,” Dean shakes his head, but makes sure the movement is soft enough that Cas doesn’t stop the massage. “Was kinda good, actually. Heavy, but good.”

“Yeah?” Cas asks. 

“Yeah,” Dean confirms. “Kinda -,” and goddammit, they’re doing the whole feelings talk before coffee after all, aren’t they?, “Kinda good for the alligator brain, you know?”

“Huh?” 

“You know, the whole hindbrain thing. Where you’re not even consciously aware of how you’re reacting cause all of the more evolved parts of you aren’t online yet?”

“But isn’t getting squished a thing that would rather trigger a fight or flight reflex?”

Dean shrugs. “Yeah, if it was some random Alpha squishing me. Was you, though. So it just made me feel safe.”

It makes the honey in Cas’ scent intensify. “I’m glad.” He actually sounds a little choked up. 

It makes Dean frown and look back up after all. “You didn’t doubt that, did you?”

Cas looks away, shrugging a little embarrassedly. 

“Cas,” Dean grabs a hold of his hand and squeezes it. “I always feel safe with you. Always.”

Cas grumbles something inaudible, though his scent clearly shows that he’s pleased about it. "So were the meds as bad as you thought?"

Dean grimaces. "Guess not."

"Do you want to keep taking them? The antidepressant effect…"

"Won't show unless I take them regularly, yes. Billie talked me through that in detail." Dean sighs. "'S gonna stay a struggle, you realize that, right?"

Cas nods. "There's no magic fix. Not for depression, not for trauma. I know."

"Sometimes I think…" Dean breaks off. 

"What?" Cas asks.

"That I should be further along," Dean sighs. "I mean, it's been a few months and I've just now managed to make myself take the drugs."

"Do you trust Billie?"

It’s not the answer Dean expected. "With the meds?" he asks.

"With that but also with your past," Cas agrees.

“Guess I do. I mean I tell her about the shit that comes up."

Cas smiles. "And is it easy for you to trust someone with that?"

Dean thinks about it for a moment because really, he has a lot of people in his life who he trusts these days. But then, he also knows all of them a lot better than just spending a bunch of therapy sessions with them. 

"See," Cas says, obviously taking Dean's silence as an indication of his answer. "You're doing great. You're already sharing things with her and trusting her with your emotions after only a couple of months. That's ahead of the curve, not behind."

It doesn't feel that way to Dean, but he also doesn't really have a way to refute it. Because he does tell her stuff. Even stuff that he hasn't told Cas. It's not because Cas wouldn't listen or think less of him or whatever, but Cas is so invested in Dean's wellbeing that sharing old pain with him reliably makes both of them hurt. And Dean doesn't want to hurt his mate. Billie on the other hand, Billie isn't attached. Her scent becomes compassionate and Dean thinks that's not an act that she gets paid for. She feels compassion for him, but she neither mirrors his hurt back to him nor becomes angry on his behalf. At least not where he can smell it. It makes it easier to share because it means the only emotions he has to manage are his own. 

“I’m proud of you, Dean.” It’s sincere, like it always is. 

“One day,” Dean answers, and when Cas looks at him questioningly, he adds, “I’ll feel it, too. One day I’ll feel it, too.”

It makes the softest smile bloom on Cas’ face.

The day goes reasonably well from there. Coffee dampens down the headache, Mary doesn’t make a big production out of going to kindergarten because she got promised playtime at Jack’s after, and the twins are happy about being read a story and then building with their blocks, allowing Dean to find some time to look at his thesis. He’s happy enough that his brain cooperates in short bursts at least. It might only be stretches of ten or fifteen minutes of concentration, but they add up. Or so he hopes at least because the deadline is getting closer. At least he did most of the research before his brain started to be this shitty. Writing is hard, it always is, but reading dry texts while his brain only waits for an opportunity to latch onto any distracted negative thought? Basically impossible. 

It’s just past 3pm when his phone vibrates. Sam’s photo flashes at him, so he hits accept call . 

“Hey man.”

“Hi Dean. How are you?” 

And yeah, Dean’s told his brother (and their household because it’s really hard to keep anything from them) about seeing Billie, but still. “Is there a reason why you’re calling?”

He can almost see Sam’s eye-roll. “Come on, Dean.”

“Did Cas put you up to this?” Dean grumbles. 

“What? Why?”

“Cause when it was him, I made him talk to Gabe. Cause shared life-experiences and stuff. Think he might be retaliating now.”

“Well, we do have shared life experiences,” Sam points out before he caves. “Also, Cas might have mentioned something about sleep meds when I was calling him about Michael. And, well… Kinda thought it might be better to call, cause I don’t think Cas and you have shared life experiences there, never mind if Cas ever took sleep meds before or not.” 

Dean shrugs uncomfortably. “Yeah, I gathered you’d remember that.”

“I was 12 the last time dad did it to me, so yeah, of course I remember,” Sam huffs. 

There isn’t much to say to that. Still feels like a failure that Dean hasn’t managed to protect Sam from this. Though he guesses it was better than whatever other methods John might have used to teach them to stay still and quiet. 

“How are you dealing?” Sam asks quietly. 

Dean rubs a hand over his neck. God, he hates this. “‘S okay. Kinda freaked out a bit before taking the pills. The actual thing wasn’t that bad. Cas was - well, he was there. Both for the falling asleep and the waking up part.”

“That’s good,” Sam says. “I gather mate would be more helpful than little brother .” 

Dean snorts. “Well, waking up where you fell asleep is also pretty helpful.”

“Point,” Sam admits. “Not sure what I hated the most about it, to be honest.”

“You always had the shivers after. And sometimes you’d throw up. Pretty sure that wasn’t fun.”

“It wasn’t,” Sam agrees, “but that was also - just a thing that happened. Wasn’t as frightening as when I woke up - well, when I woke up alone. Either cause you weren’t there or cause you were still asleep and I couldn’t wake you up. I kept checking that you were still breathing. Thought for sure he’d give us an overdose eventually.”

It can’t have been more than one or two times that Sam actually woke up alone. That was the short time period that dad - John - thought Dean was grown up enough to help, but before he presented. After that, it was back to the pills for Dean. Cause omegas only cause trouble. 

“At least he never used me for bait.”

“What?” 

“Shit. Didn’t want to say that out loud,” Dean apologizes. 

“For bait ?”

Dean grimaces. “After I presented, you know? Sweet 14-year-old-omega ass to lure them out?” He scrapes his hand over his face. “Pretty sure I got you to thank for it that he didn’t. He needed me to take care of you. Couldn’t risk accidentally getting me killed.”

“Dean!” Sam exclaims with some shock. “Do you really think he’d have done that?” 

Dean shrugs and sighs. “I dunno, Sammy. My thoughts are all wonky these days, better not listen to anything I say.” 

But even still, it feels true in his heart. John was always good at using people. And there’s no doubt that he used Dean in the way that he thought would bring him the most benefit. It was luck on Dean’s part that John thought that that was raising his Alpha son, he’s sure of that now. Even though he didn’t see it that way back then. All he saw was that John stopped drugging Sam after he presented, while he'd started the whole bullshit back up again after Dean turned out omega. 

Of course presented Sam also didn't let himself be dragged along on hunts anymore. He started fighting John and it was Dean's worst nightmare. 

"Never told you that back then, but goddamn, I was impressed by the way you stood up to him that final year."

"You bitched me out about it like every day!"

"Yeah, well, I was also terrified that you would get the both of us killed the way you pushed him. But, man, did I never want to see you take over his views."

"I thought I knew it all back then," Sam chuckles softly. "Gosh, never trust teenagers."

Dean snorts. "At least it had the side-effect that he didn't drag us around anymore."

"Not sure that was because of me. Pretty sure he was out of a job at that time already."

"Yeah." It was pretty clear by the amount of drunk accidents around the house that Dean had to clean up. God, he'd been so sorely tempted so often to let his dad wake up in a puddle of his own piss instead of cleaning him up and tucking him in. 

That last year had basically consisted of cleaning and cooking and running interference between dad and Sam while trying to hustle enough funds for them without getting caught. Dean's got no idea how he'd have stayed sane if he hadn't met Benny. His one stable rock in all of the madness. 

Though no, that's unfair. Cause Sam had tried standing up for him. And he'd patched him up and had gotten painkillers from the school nurse for him. Hadn't been Sam's fault that he was a kid still and there was only so much he could do. And really Dean didn't want him to do even that much. He wanted to keep Sam safe, that was all.

"Anyway," Dean says, "things could have been a lot worse, had you not been there. That's all I wanted to say."

"Well, likewise, obviously," Sam answers.  And then softer, "I'm sorry that you had to take on the bulk of the bullshit and that it's still affecting you."

"Stop it, Sammy. I'm the big brother. Me being there for you is how it's supposed to go. 'S my own fault if I couldn't deal." 

There's an exasperated huff from Sam in answer. "Can you do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Repeat that last sentence to Cas for me?"

Immediately, Dean flushes. "No."

"Yeah," Sam answers grimly. "Point proven. Cause you know what bullshit that is and even if you don't listen to me, you know that Cas won't let you get away with it."

Dean wants to grumble, wants to say that Sam's just too young or too hippie to see it, but he can already see Cas' unamused frown. And yeah, Cas does not get physical ever, but sitting through that lecture again is its own type of punishment. 

So instead of actually answering, Dean deflects. "Using my mate against me, Sam? That's low."

Sam snorts. "Right. Your scary, scary mate. Tell me, did he hold your hand the whole night or only until you were asleep?"

"Oh fuck you, Sam."

"Gotta tell Eileen that not me," Sam snickers. "She might comply."

Dean groans. "Worse than Gabe, I swear."

"I can't help it, it's just too tempting when you make it this easy."

"Yeah, I walked right into that one," Dean admits grudgingly. 

And then suddenly they're both chuckling and it feels good. 

"How's she doing anyway? And the little critter?"

"They're both good. Deanie's got a playgroup at the local center for the hard of hearing now, and Eileen helps out with them for a few hours a week."

"Yeah, I'm guessing it gets boring sitting around the house, now that it's not her job anymore. Not really a thing Alphas do."

"Dude, I'm not sure there's any gender correlation here. You would be bored without college and the school board and pack business, too."

Dean sighs. "Well, these days it seems more like I'm lucky when I have enough energy to get through the day with the pups, no extracurricular activities needed. Well, maybe 15 minutes of working on my thesis if it's a really good day."

“How far are you?” Sam asks. “I can read it before you turn it in if you want.”

Dean hums. “Kev and Charlie are gonna proofread already, but you can, too, if you want.” 

“Cas?” 

“Is not supposed to waste his time proofreading a bachelor’s thesis,” Dean grumbles. 

“But will do it anyway?”

“Probably,” Dean confirms. “Though to be honest, I don’t trust him to actually correct anything. He’s probably just gonna say I’m doing great.”

"Because you're putting in the work and it's gonna be great."

"Oh no, not you, too. Good thing that Kev and Charlie aren't such big softies as the Alphas in my life."

They both chuckle. 

"No, but seriously, you're putting in the work and what I've seen from your study projects, your writing is good. You can do this. Even with the - everything."

Dean rolls his eyes. “The depression. You can say it, Sammy. ‘S not gonna be any more or less real just because you use a word.”

“I’m trying to be delicate,” Sam pouts. 

Dean snorts. “Yeah, that’s not a good look on you. You’re much better at the hammer-it-in method.”

“That’s just because it needs a little more force to get things through your thick skull sometimes,” Sam bitches back. Then he sighs. “Sorry, that was actually uncalled for. I mean, you’re sharing and doing therapy and everything.”

“Don’t bend yourself into a pretzel, man.”

“It’s true, though. We both know that you’re dealing with this much more maturely than I dealt with - well, with the time after Jess’ death.”

And oh. Dean hadn’t actually made that connection. But yeah, Sam had gone through his own episode of depression, even if the reason had been a different one. “Yeah, well, you were half a pup back then still. And we’ve already concluded that youngsters only think they know everything, they don’t actually do.”

Sam blows out a deep breath. “I remember it, though. How dark everything seemed. How hard it was to move. How much you had to kick my ass for me to even function enough to do the simplest things for Deanie.”

“Yeah,” Dean answers because he remembers it, too.

“Don’t think I ever really thanked you for that. For getting me through that. And making sure that Deanie always knew he was loved even when I couldn’t give him that feeling.”

Dean rubs his neck uncomfortably. “‘S cause it’s just normal and there’s no need to thank me.”

“No, Dean, there is. And we both know it.”

Dean harrumphs, but has no idea what to say. 

“And you know, I also wanted to make sure that you know that I’m there for you, too. I have -,” Sam clears his throat, his voice more hesitant when he goes on, “I have talked about it with Eileen already. That maybe it’s time that we move back to the pack.”

“What? But what about your job?”

“It’s just an internship. A great internship, sure, but Tessa can give me recommendations to find another spot that’s closer to home.”

Dean blinks. “But - Michael?”

“Is not as important as you are. Plus, Tessa can keep me updated the same way she updates Ellen. She’s still Cas’ lawyer for this, after all.”

Dean blinks. “But.”

Dean can hear Sam’s smile in his voice. “But nothing, Dean. Hannah’s found a house for us that looks promising. I can send you the address if you want to check it out. We can make this work.”

“But what about Eileen and her new work? And Deanie’s group? There’s nothing like that here.”

Instead of the drop in mood that Dean expects, the smile in Sam’s voice only gets brighter. “Yeah, well, we’ve talked about that, too. Eileen really loves working with the children at the group, but the center is actually fully staffed, she’s just temping for someone who’s just had a pup. There’s no long term perspective for her there.”

“But there’s got to be other groups like this where you are, right?”

“There are,” Sam answers, “but you’re not getting it. There are no such groups at Cas’ pack or the surrounding packs. But there are still pups who are hard of hearing. And Cas’ pack already has a reputation for supporting all folks, thanks to the boarding school.”

“She could open her own group,” Dean suddenly understands.

“Yes!” Sam exclaims. “She can start with just a few pups and who knows, it might grow. And if Cas and the school board are willing, we could maybe extend the school to have a program for the hard of hearing. I mean, the school prides itself on providing an excellent education for everyone , right?”

“Jesus, Sammy,” Dean runs a hand through his hair because of course they’ve thought about how to best integrate Deanie before - hell, Dean’s taken a college class about it - but he has the feeling that now that Sam’s brought up making this a broader project, it’s going to be a social justice issue that Cas will instantly dig his teeth into. 

“You disagree?” Sam asks, tone suddenly harder. 

“No, man, no,” Dean immediately assures. “Just kinda didn’t expect you to - well, any of this. Kinda thought,” he bites his lip but continues anyway, “that you would eventually decide to stay in California, actually.” 

“That was never the plan, Dean.”

“I know, I know. It’s just - seemed like a natural fit for you, what with all the great opportunities there.”

Sam huffs, though it sounds fond. “You’re still not getting it. Dude, this is something I learned from you . That if you’re determined enough, you can make your opportunities. Eileen and I, we’re gonna make our opportunities. And maybe we would need a lot more luck to be able to do it on our own, but we’re not gonna be on our own. We’re gonna have you and Cas and the pack, so we’re going to have all the support we need. And we’ll be in the place where we want to live. Where we want Deanie to grow up. Okay?”

And Dean might be a little choked up, but he croaks out an “Okay”, because really, he has no way to argue against this. 

And so it comes that five weeks later, Cas and Dean are waiting in the entrance way of a newly purchased house to see whether the moving van or Sam and Eileen show up first. Not that Sam and Eileen have any furniture of their own. Which is why the moving van is actually coming over from the other side of their pack grounds, meaning their own home, where Dean had gone through the old furniture that was stored away to find a mostly neutral combination of everything they need that Sam and Eileen can use until they can afford to replace it with stuff they pick out together. 

“Are you okay?”

Dean looks up at his mate from where he was pacing. He takes a deep breath and feels inside himself, the way Billie has taught him. “Anxious,” he admits. 

“About what?”

“Things going wrong?” He makes it a question. 

“Any specific things?”

“Movers not showing up. Sammy hating the house. Deanie starting to cry when he sees me. Worse, when he sees Mary. Mary starting to cry when she sees Deanie. Sam and Eileen hating to be back here at the pack. Sammy hating me cause I’m why they came back, even if he says it’s not just cause of me. Like, the usual.” Because his brain excels at going through worst case scenarios and Cas knows it.

Which, Dean guesses, is why Cas nods through the whole litany and asks, “Hug?”

“Yes, please.”

Dean lets his mate fold him up in his arms and unashamedly sticks his nose into Cas’ neck to inhale deeply. Cas chuckles and presses a kiss to Dean’s hair. “I guess I don’t have to tell you to breathe.”

That makes Dean chuckle, too, even while he soaks in more of Cas’ earth and roots and honey. It calms him down faster than expected. Hey, maybe that whole therapy shtick is showing some results. 

There is honking from the street. 

They both freeze, though really they weren’t even that inappropriate. 

It’s the moving truck. The driver makes a shooing motion at them, and oh, right, they’re standing in the middle of the driveway, blocking it completely. 

Dean chuckles as the tension of the moment abruptly dissipates. Cas shakes his head, though his scent turns amused as well. They step out of the way. 

And then it’s all furniture and directing hulking Alphas where to put what. They’ve made a plan together with the Mooses beforehand, at least deciding which room is supposed to serve which purpose, so Dean goes up to the first floor to direct furniture to the bedrooms while Cas stays downstairs and takes over the rooms there. 

Which is why Dean is just trying to figure out the best layout for Deanie’s room when suddenly there’s someone leaning against the doorframe, easy grin on his face. “I’d put the dresser over there, I think. Put the table near the window where there’s more light in the hopes that Deanie keeps to drawing on paper instead of on walls.”

“Sam! You made it!” 

“Heya, Dean!” Sam grins and he comes forward and Dean meets him halfway and then they’re hugging and it feels damn good to have his little brother back.

“Welcome home, man.” Dean presses into his brother tighter for a moment. Just when he wants to let go, he stops. “Wait.” He sniffs again. There’s car and highway diners and exhaustion, but under that Sam’s scent has changed. Dean wrinkles his nose suspiciously when he draws back from his brother. 

Sam’s face immediately flushes. He averts his eyes from Dean. “It was not planned like this,” he explains in advance and then draws down his collar. 

Showing off his neck where a new mating bite sits. It’s still red around the edges, the scar rough and not completely healed. 

“Seriously, man. We wanted to wait until we were here to make it official, we weren’t trying to shut you and Cas out or anything…”

But Dean is already on his brother again, hugging the life out of him. “Congratulations, Sammy,” he mumbles because he can’t stand the guilt and worry mix in Sam’s scent instead of the unbridled joy that should be there with a new mating bite. 

His brother relaxes a fraction in his arms. “Thank you,” he mumbles. “We really didn’t mean to…”

“Shush,” Dean shuts him up. “You’ve got no idea how happy it makes me that you’ve found Eileen. So stop worrying that I’m gonna take this badly.”

“I just - you haven’t had an easy time lately and...”

Dean groans and lets go of his brother in favor of punching him in the shoulder. “Doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten how to be happy for you, asshole. And just so you know, getting yourself mated in secret doesn’t mean you’re going to get out of throwing a party!”

“We didn’t actually mean to keep it a secr-,” Sam shuts up when Dean growls at him. He nods obediently, “We are planning to have a housewarming slash mating party as soon as we’re settled. Satisfied?” 

Dean pretends to think about it for a moment. “Sounds acceptable,” he finally grins, surprisingly actually feeling like bantering with his brother. He can’t even really remember the last time he had face to face banter with anyone. 

Still, when the movers show back up in the door, he slaps his brother on the back. “Well, now that you’re here, you can take over while I find my sister-in-law and my nephew. As good as it is to see your ugly mug again, I have more people to hug.”

Sam rolls his eyes, but he also smiles. “Yeah, okay. But I’m gonna need food at some point. We drove straight through since this morning.”

“That can be arranged,” Dean nods gruffly, feeling his mood shift. 

It’s abrupt and disconcerting and he flees the room before his emotions have time to show on his face or in his scent. He only stops when he’s in the bathroom, door locked. 

He takes a few deep breaths. 

Jesus. 

How the fuck is this even affecting him this much? Aren’t the antidepressants supposed to keep him on a more even keel?

He sits down on the edge of the tub, just breathing for a bit before he tries to figure himself out the way Billie had taught him. 

Hands shaking. Well, he’d been nervous this morning, so adrenaline is expected. 

Warring in his chest that makes his breath shallow and rapid. Like several emotions are playing tug of war. 

Happiness. That his brother is here. That his brother found his mate. He didn’t fake that, he is happy about all of that. 

But also anxiety. Guilt. A mirror of Sam’s feelings? 

No, that’s not it. He digs deeper. 

That feeling like a lump in his stomach. Something cold and nasty and slimy. 

Betrayal.  

He wrinkles his nose when he recognizes it. Ugh. His body is protesting his betrayal.

Because he’s supposed to listen to himself and to make sure he has his boundaries in place. He’s supposed to take care of himself. And he never took the time to figure out whether he was actually okay with Sam getting mated behind his back. He immediately jumped to reassuring his little brother. To taking care of him. Like he’s always done. To ignoring his own needs. Like he’s always done. 

Dean grimaces. “Oh, come on, man. Really? That wasn’t even that bad,” he grumbles at himself. 

It used to be so easy. Just do what needs to be done to keep everyone around you happy and don’t waste time with things like checking in with yourself. He got away with it, too, because Cas always looked out for him. He intervened if something got too out of whack, protecting Dean not only from outside sources but also from the impact of his own mindset. Well, until everything ended up out of whack anyway because the memories came flooding back. As strong an Alpha as Cas is, not even he can save Dean from having to work through this himself. 

Dean grimaces again because he’s understood it by now, that he needs to be his own strongest advocate, but it still throws him that the further he gets in his work with Billie, the less his old approaches work. He hadn’t planned on actually developing stronger reactions the more he worked in therapy.

He rubs a hand over his face. “Okay,” he tells himself and the lump in his stomach. “I fell back into old patterns for a moment there, but we can go through this now. So, Sammy got himself mated. We knew he wanted to get mated. He told us about it. We were at the engagement party, actually, and despite the odds, it was pretty cool.” He listens inside himself and there is no resistance. “We’re gonna be at the mating celebration, too, because they didn’t do that without us, either. They just did the bite before the party.” He wrinkles his nose because there’s no way in hell that he’d ever want to be anywhere near that event. “So, are we okay with this or does Sammy need to feel guilty?”

That thought makes him squirm a little. 

“Okay, so the problem isn’t the mating but Sam’s guilt?” Dean wonders at himself. “But that’s just Sammy being a worrywart.” Still, it feels like the right trail, so Dean grounds himself with another few breaths and follows the lead. “Sam is happy about getting mated to Eileen. But his scent was all worry and guilt. So I went into automatic pattern mode. Because if Sam feels bad because of me, I gotta make it better quickly before he doesn’t like me anymore and leaves me behind?”

He words it like a question, though it really kind of isn’t, and takes a few more breaths while he lets the thought simmer. It still feels right.

“Dude,” Dean shakes his head at himself. “Your brother kind of loves you. That’s why he cares about your reaction in the first place. And he’s had plenty of chances to leave you behind and didn’t, so there’s that. Plus, he’s allowed to have his own life anyway. Just like you’ve got a life with your mate and pups. Your whole purpose is not caring for your brother anymore, remember?”

That releases some of the tension inside him. He shakes his arms out to help get rid of it. 

“Complete person here. With a great family and people who love me for me. Not just cause of what I can do for them.”

It’s as hard to accept as always. There’s still the nagging fear that someday it won’t be enough anymore. That someday he won’t be enough anymore. Too broken. Too much work. But he thinks of the love in Cas’ scent and the way his pups curl into him when they’re tired, searching him out when they need a break from exploring the world, and there’s another part inside him that believes that he’s never going to lose their love. That as long as he stays true to himself, they’re going to love him back as much as he loves them. 

It’s more difficult with Sam. Yeah, Sam loves him, too. But they’ll always share a less than stellar past. Even when they don’t want to, they bring up trauma for each other. And even when they have grown so much already, they still fall back into dynamics that weren’t even healthy when they were pups. Even though no doubt they helped them survive at the time. 

Dean exhales a long breath. Yeah, much to talk about in his next session with Billie. 

But he’s also much calmer now that he’s figured out what rubbed him the wrong way. He’s successfully managed to avoid the impending panic attack. He’s even excited again to see Eileen and Dean. 

“Onwards, then,” he nods to himself, checks in with himself one last time to be sure and washes his face and his neck to get rid of any lingering smell of anxiety so that he doesn’t accidentally infect Deanie with it. 

He finds his sister-and-law and nephew downstairs in the kitchen. Dean and Cas have brought stuff for sandwiches and Eileen is currently preparing them while Deanie sits next to her, happily munching on a cucumber. 

Dean waves at him the minute Deanie spots him. His eyes go big and round, the cucumber forgotten halfway to his mouth. He grabs at Eileen’s pant leg, making her turn around. 

She breaks into a wide smile when she sees him. 

Hi , Dean signs, matching her smile. Congratulations!

He’s too far away to smell whether she’s worried like Sam, but in any case, it takes her a moment to answer. Thank you. Then she opens her arms and he doesn’t hesitate to step into her embrace. 

He tries to be unobtrusive about sniffing her new scent. It’s weird how it suddenly mirrors the undertones of Sam’s scent, while at the same time also having that completely new flavor that Dean’s noticed with Sam, too. He can’t really grasp it in too much depth yet, the bond not having had time to fully settle, but it feels like he can smell the California sun in it. He hopes that it stands for much sunshine and happiness.

There’s quaking from the floor, and an insistent tugging on his pants, but before he’s even had the chance to bend down to say hello to his nephew, Eileen is already hefting Deanie up onto the counter. She boxes him in with her hip to make sure he doesn’t fall before signing, “Remember Uncle Dean?”

Deanie frowns at Eileen and then back at Dean. 

“He’s shy right now,” Eileen explains. 

“I remember that phase,” Dean says and tries to sign simultaneously, though he doesn’t get further than I remember . He gives up and instead waves at Deanie again while giving him his best disarming smile. “At least you’re not immediately bawling when seeing me. We’ll take that as a win, alright, buddy?”

Deanie frowns at him, and yeah, Dean should be signing, but he doesn’t have the vocabulary. 

“I’m sorry, bud. I promise to do better. I got distracted with too much other shi- stuff. But I’ll make sure to practice more, okay?” He smiles at Deanie again, and while it’s pretty clear that Deanie hasn’t gotten any of the speech, Dean’s smile seems to convince him of - something. At the very least, he holds out his piece of cucumber to Dean. 

“For me?” Dean asks with exaggerated gestures and joy and carefully takes the piece of vegetable. “Oh my.” Thank you. That one is an easy sign at least and it makes Deanie happy. He claps his hands together, face breaking into a smile. Then he holds his hand out to Eileen, who chuckles and presses a piece of carrot into Deanie’s hand before putting him back down on the floor, where he immediately starts munching on his carrot stick. 

“You don’t have to eat this,” Eileen says and holds her hand out for the slobbered on cucumber. 

Dean chuckles. “I have three pups. Believe me when I say I don’t mind.” He proves his words by looking at Deanie and taking a big bite out of his gift. 

It makes Deanie grin and bite a big piece off his own treat, enough that his cheeks bulge out like a hamster’s while he chews. 

It makes Eileen laugh. “I can see the family resemblance.”

“Hey, I’m sure Sam is worse.” 

She weighs her head from side to side, neither admitting nor denying the accusation. 

“Can I help?” he asks and nods towards the half-made sandwiches. 

“Sure.”

They work in silence for a while, hands busy. 

It’s only when they have stacked their creations into a neat little tower that Dean turns back to Eileen, “So, when did that happen?” He manages to remember when? and then points at his own neck to illustrate what he means. 

Eileen’s hand comes up to her neck, cupping the fresh bite. “The night before we set out to drive here. It felt like - the start of something new.”

Dean nods because he gets it. California was the trial run to see whether they actually worked as a couple. Coming back here? That’s settling in for the future. 

“Let me know if he’s ever too much of a pain. I can knock some sense into him,” Dean says. “Big brother and all.”

Eileen chuckles. “Last time you were threatening me.”

Dean shrugs. “It’s a time-honored tradition. But let’s be real, he’s the much bigger troublemaker.”

“Am not,” comes a grumbly voice from the door. 

Dean turns towards his brother, teasing reply already on his lips, but he gets distracted because Cas came in with Sam and his eyes are searching and worried, unsure how Dean’s dealing with the reunion most likely, so Dean settles on rolling his eyes and pointing towards the sandwiches. “Have at it.”

“Noms,” Sam says, but still detours to give Eileen a kiss and run a hand through Deanie’s hair before snagging three sandwiches all at once. 

“No table manners,” Dean grumbles, though there’s not exactly a table to have manners at yet. He doesn’t even manage to grab a sandwich for himself before Cas is in his space, though, unashamedly pulling Dean close to scent him. “No table manners,” he repeats, but he also doesn’t resist the manhandling and instead lays his head to the side to allow Cas the space he needs. “Satisfied?” he asks when Cas’ hold turns a little looser after a moment.

“Hmm,” Cas answers noncommittally. 

And yeah, Cas is attuned enough to him that he can probably smell the lingering residue of the panic attack that wasn’t. 

“Eat a sandwich, Cas,” Dean nudges his mate because really, there’s gonna be a lot of moving around furniture and starting to unpack boxes, and Dean’s gotta get back to his pups at some point, so he’d like this not to devolve into feelings-hour right now. 

“Are the movers gone?” Eileen asks and thankfully diverts the attention. 

Dean smiles at her gratefully. She winks at him in return, while Cas nods a yes and Sam starts explaining that Cas made the movers get the boxes from their car as well, so there’s nothing to bring in anymore. 

Dean snatches a sandwich as well, nodding at the right places in the conversation, but otherwise letting the others discuss furniture placement while he’s happy that his stomach is complying with food. That had been different in the morning, but now he’s actually hungry. He likes it. It’s a pretty safe sign that he’s actually doing okay. 

“Dean?” 

“Yeah?” Dean turns to his brother.

“Can you help unpack Deanie’s stuff maybe? I think that’s the most important to get settled today.”

“Sure thing,” Dean nods. He crouches down. “You wanna come help with your room, little bug?” 

He’s not sure he gets anything but help and room right in his signs, but Deanie thinks about it for a moment and then stretches out his arms for Dean to pick him up. 

“Yay!” Dean celebrates and swoops Deanie up. He’s gotten heavier since the last time Dean saw him. 

“He’s perfectly able to walk by now, you know that, right?” Sam chuckles. 

Dean shrugs. “Yeah, but he’s also okay with me carrying him. So suck it, Sam.”

That produces a snort of laughter from his brother and a headshake from his mate, but Dean doesn’t care and instead marches towards the door. “We’ll find you if Deanie gets bored by my company. Otherwise, you’ll know where to find us.”

Fortunately, Deanie’s got a backpack full of his favorite toys that travelled in the car with them. That should be enough to keep him occupied. Dean only frowns at the see-through bag for a moment. He forgets that sometimes, that there are cities now where everyone from kindergartener to highschooler has to have see-through bags. Dean’s pretty sure that there should be better ways to curb violence. Like actually supporting people and making sure everyone’s got a fair chance in life. 

He shakes his head, not wanting his thoughts to get too dark with his nephew in the room. 

He drops Deanie onto his new bed, which looks bare with just a mattress, but his pillows and blanket must be somewhere in the boxes around them. “Anything that looks of interest to you?” he asks and holds out the open backpack to Deanie. 

He grabs at the colored pencils, so Dean fishes them out of the bag for him and finds some paper to go with it. He’s not sure it’s a great idea for Deanie to draw on the mattress, but hey, there’ll be a sheet to cover any modern art. 

“Go for it.” Dean encourages his nephew with a ruffle to his hair and then lets him be and starts unpacking. 

He’s well into box two when small feet tap closer to him. Deanie peers into the box curiously. 

“Want to help?” Dean asks and signs help again.

Deanie nods, so Dean places one of the oversized picture books from the box in Deanie’s hand and points towards the bookshelf where there is already a row of books. 

Surprisingly, Deanie actually toddles off in the direction of the shelf to deposit the book there. He does it a few more times, too, before spotting the plastic box with his building blocks at the bottom of the moving box. He halfway falls into the box with his attempt to grab them, so Dean quickly snatches the pup and hands the blocks to him. Deanie holds them to his chest like he’s found treasure and waddles off towards a corner, where he plonks down on his diapered butt. It takes him a few tries, but he manages to open the box on his own. 

Dean nods in acknowledgement. Mary would probably have gotten impatient after the second try and started screaming. Deanie seems to have more patience. But then, Deanie had never been discouraged when he wasn’t as fast as Mary or when his motor skills gave him trouble. He’d always just tried again and again. 

“You’ve got grit, little one,” Dean smiles, though he doesn’t try to get Deanie’s attention, lets him play with his blocks in peace. 

Dean’s already moved on to the clothes and bedware when Sam shows up to check on them. “How’s it going?”

“Rocket-y,” Dean says and holds up the duvet cover he was just putting on, which has little rockets and astronauts printed all over it. 

“Come on, it’s cool,” Sam says. “Remember the blue space PJs with the rockets we had as kids?”

Dean nods. “Yeah. They even held together until we were both grown out of them. Kind of surprising, seeing how crappy they were.”

“I liked them,” Sam grumbles defensively. 

“Sorry, didn’t want to stop your sentimental reminiscing,” Dean shrugs. He wants it to sound like the truth, but it comes out too bitter. 

“Hey,” Sam says. “Remember how we talked about that? About how you took on the most shitty parts of our childhood so that I could have some memories to reminisce about? I’m not trying to make you feel what I feel.”

Dean sighs and rubs a hand through his hair. “Yeah, okay,” he gives in. “Guess it means something went right in our childhoods at least.”

Sam hums. “Doesn’t change that it was unfair that you had to bear the brunt of it.”

“Yeah,” Dean says because he’s at a point where he can actually admit that. “Not your fault, though. And we’re doing our best not to give all that bullshit on to them.” He nods towards Deanie who has noticed his dad by now and has grinned at him for a moment, but is perfectly content to keep playing. Dean thinks it probably means good things that Deanie feels secure enough to be chill about playing on his own in a new environment. He’s neither clinging to his parents’ every move for fear of losing them nor avoiding them out of the fear that change means stress and stress means harsh corrections. 

Deanie’s assessment is right, too, because Sam looks at his son with a soft smile. “Yeah. I think we’re doing okay on that account.”

Dean nods, because he agrees. And he likes that the older Sam gets, the less of John Winchester can be found in his features or reactions. That, too, can only mean good things. 

He turns back to Deanie’s bed, putting the duvet down. The sheet is already on, the pillow in its case. “I think that should be the basics. I don’t know which toys he needs at night, you have to do that part.”

Sam nods. “No problem, we’ve got that covered. Thanks for helping.”

“Anytime,” Dean smiles. 

Sam bites his lip, looking insecure for a moment before swallowing down whatever he was going to say and smiling back. 

Once upon a time, Dean would have been thankful for it. Another feelings-talk with his brother narrowly avoided. Now, the sessions with Billie are on his mind. “You know,” he starts and chews on his own lip for a moment before continuing, “it was always harder for me to talk feelings with you than with Cas.”

“Okay?” Sam says, frown on his face, shoulders hunched. Like he expects Dean to tell him that it’s because he’s inadequate somehow or too close to being like John or whatever. 

“Dude, it’s not because of you. It’s because of me. With Cas, I kind of didn’t have a choice. Not because he made me, but because I had to know where we stood. Though Cas is pretty good at weaseling out information from me,” Dean smiles. “I don’t know how or why, he’s not pulling rank or anything. He’s just good at getting past my defenses. Anyway, he had it easy. Because we got to start fresh. You and I never got that. Because yeah, I raised you and stuff, but you were my reason for staying alive for so long that…” Dean breaks off and shakes his head. “I wasn’t sure I could handle the answers. That’s why I avoided talking feelings with you. Cause I wasn’t sure what you’d say. And we’re brothers, so I always hoped that that was gonna be enough. That you wouldn’t give up on me, the same way you never gave up on dad. I told myself that that was good enough. That I didn’t need to hear whether you, you know, actually loved me or only tolerated me. Because I could still be useful to you, so that would probably keep you around for a little while longer. Always that, a little while longer…” He shrugs uncomfortably. He’s gotten more used to being open with his brother, yeah, but he’s still never laid all of this out for him before.  

“Dean…” 

And Dean’s apparently managed to make his brother speechless. He rubs the back of his neck. “Sorry, man. It’s that whole therapy thing. Makes you realize shit and then you’re supposed to talk about it, too, so that the people in your life know the real you or something.” He snorts when Sam makes a noise like a fish out of water. “Dude, I promise you that you already know the real me. Just, like, with a few omissions.”

That finally makes Sam snort, too. “Yeah, you know what, Dean? You’re not super subtle, even when you’re being all stoic and don’t want to talk. So yeah, I’m pretty sure I know the real you.” Then he turns serious again. “Thanks for telling me, though.”

Dean shrugs like it’s no big deal, though it really kind of is. 

“Do you want me to answer? Or just acknowledge that I heard you?”

Dean raises his eyebrows. “Have you started seeing Billie, too?”

Sam rolls his eyes. “I may have read up on some stuff. I kind of -,” he sends a glance over at Deanie, “wanted to make sure. That I had resources in place this time. In case…” He breaks off. 

“In case something happens to Eileen,” Dean finishes what Sam didn’t even want to say out loud.

Sam nods. “Or to me, actually. Eileen and I put all that stuff in place together.”

“But if you…” Dean frowns. “I’m sorry, maybe I’m not up-to-date here, but even if you’re mated, wouldn’t guardianship of Deanie default to Cas and me? I mean, we’d never want to take Deanie away from her, but I assumed...”

“We’re thinking about adoption,” Sam interrupts him.  

Dean whistles through his teeth. “Alpha-Alpha adoption, huh? Shit. You’re really into legal battles, aren’t you?”

Sam grimaces. “There are precedents. Not here, but we can become that precedent here.”

And that still sounds like a prolonged legal battle to Dean, even if it’s ‘only’ on state level. “Did you bring this up with Cas yet?”

“Not yet,” Sam shakes his head. “Kind of wanted to let the news of our mating settle first. I’ll bring it up with him before we ever do anything, I promise.”

And Dean hadn’t even doubted it. “He’ll help. We’ll help.”

It makes Sam bite his lip again. “I’m really grateful and I was pretty much counting on it, but with what you said before - Dean, you know that I don’t stick around because you’re useful to me, right? You and me, that’s nothing like me clinging on to some bullshit hope about dad. We didn’t come back here because I’ve got some complex about having to save you. I know that you’re dealing with your own stuff. I’m actually really impressed by how you’re handling this. And yeah, I wanna help, but that’s what people who like each other do, right? It’s a mutual thing?”

He sounds so much like Dean’s little brother and at the same time, so much more mature that Dean doesn’t know what to do with it. The only thing he knows is that, “Yeah, that’s what I want, too. That we’re -,” he thinks about how to word it for a moment, “ - in each other’s lives because we want to be, you know? Not cause we have to.”

Sam nods vigorously. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s cool, man.” And then, because Sam’s a tree hugger and a hippie and apparently can’t help himself, Dean finds himself crushed in a moose hug. 

It feels both as familiar as only someone who you’ve grown up with can be, and new, like something’s shifted between them, changing their dynamic away from the trauma that’s always kept them together and towards something new. Towards a relationship with each other that they get to define on their own terms. 

It feels good. Like a step in the direction of a healthier future. So if Dean holds onto his brother somewhat longer than is strictly necessary, well, his brother will understand and Deanie won’t tell on them.