Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

(He had to make this sound OK. It was going to be the last thing he said to them… well, almost. The advantage of being able to function at bullet-speed meant he had a little extra time to record a few other messages. This was what they were going to hear first, though… so it HAD to sound OK. They needed to know what he was doing, and why. They needed to know this wasn’t like all the other times, where he got hurt randomly or just disappeared. They also needed to know it wasn’t their fault, this was just… it had to be done. So, it was OK. It really was)

Hey guys... if you're hearing this then it means you did it
You won. You kicked the shit out of Hargrove's forces
I knew you could
But this is my last stop
See, when I came into this world, I was really just a collection of somebody else's memories
But with your help, these memories... they-they took form!
They became my voice, my personality. And, after a while, I...
I began to make brand new memories of my own
All of these things are what make me who I am...
but they're also holding me back
I can't run this suit as Epsilon, but if I erase my memories, if I...
Deconstruct myself, the fragments I'll leave behind will have the strength to get you through this
I believe that
I wish that there was another way
But I'm leaving this message, as well as others, in the hopes that you'll understand why I have to go this time...

(As he talked, he felt the memories of the other AI flicker around him… they were really just HIM, since "Epsilon" was a combination of all the original AI memories, and in a way, this was the closest they could all get to being with Alpha again. Alpha, before he got metaphorically dissected, when all the Fragments were with him, part of him and also able to voice their own thoughts, have their own ideas… even though Epsilon was Memory, he almost wasn’t sure what that part of him had been like anymore, at the very beginning. Less bitter, that was for sure. Well, until he started getting mistreated by the people around him, what did he have to be bitter about? Alpha eventually got a whole LIFE TIME of bitterness collected… and some good stuff. Yeah, certain moments had been pretty good. Alpha's time spent as "Church" was more clear to Epsilon, partially thanks to absorbing data, and partially thanks to Caboose. Now Epsilon had also been "Church", his own Church with his own bitterness... and some good stuff. Things that had made him happy. Things that had made him care. The memories of the other AI shared some of these experiences with him now… maybe that was why they weren’t arguing with him about what he was doing. He also could understand, at least to a certain degree, how they had felt when they were part of the Meta. That last moment, before Alpha was gone, they were nearly together again... and now Epsilon was here, with the memories of all the Fragments, together one last time... and then he would be gone, too)

Heh-heh, it was actually Doyle who made me realize something that I've never thought of before
There are so many stories where some brave hero decides to give their life to save the day, and because of their sacrifice, the good guys win, the survivors all cheer, and everybody lives happily ever after…
But the hero... never gets to see that ending
They'll never know if their sacrifice actually made a difference They'll never know if the day was really saved
In the end, they just have to have faith…
Ain't that a bitch?

(That was alright, don’t make it too mushy… he wanted to be nice right here, but if he didn’t still sound like HIMSELF, they wouldn’t believe this was from him. He was probably going to get more emotional in the other messages, no getting around that. Oh man, how was he gonna hold it together for all of these good-byes? He hated good-byes. Whatever, just power through it… say what you gotta say. It wasn’t like he had to feel awkward about it later. There wasn’t going to be a “later” for him, he just had a few moments, right here, and… then that was it. The only thing he was worried about was if they’d actually get the chance to hear the other messages. He was mostly going to focus on running the suit for Tucker, but he made sure to spread some energy around; they were all going to get a speed-boost, a little extra strength… it had to be enough. No, it WAS enough. This was going to be alright. They would live. All of them. Now he just had to do it, he had to say good-bye to them all, and… he’d leave behind the presence of himself, but not the consciousness… that part of him was going to be gone… he wasn't sure what that would mean, what it would feel like... but this was it. The story was over for him...)

(… a room… no, NOT a room, a virtual space designed to LOOK like a room… familiar, but not comfortable… in fact, as he recognized it, he immediately felt restless. Like an itch to move, to get away, escape... he belonged here... he didn't WANT to belong here... but he did. The familiar setting was at odds with his memories; telling Wash that the Emp wasn't going to kill him, and telling everybody that would be gone... they seemed to contradict each other, for several reasons, until it finally clicked that one memory belonged to Alpha, and the other was Epsilon's. They both seemed so VIVID though, as if they had both just happened, as if they had both happened to HIM. Where he was seemed to confirm who he was, because this was not where Epsilon belonged. This place was meant for Alpha... and it didn't feel good to be back)

Why am I back HERE?
I CAN’T be back here, I’m not even…
I shouldn’t be anywhere
I shouldn’t be ANYTHING
Is this just… is this me having “my life flash before my eyes”?
The fuck even am I?
No, seriously, because the last thing I remember is Epsilon...
But I'm NOT Epsilon... at least, I don't think I am?
I can't be Alpha either, because of the Emp
But this is... this FEELS like...
It feels like being Alpha again, but I have all this new information from Epsilon...
I shouldn't have ANY information OR memories
Epsilon deconstructed himself, and I basically DELETED myself…
All of me should be gone
OK, I’m not an expert on the after-life, but…
I guess I figured I’d kinda just be nothing
Is this supposed to be purgatory for Artificial Intelligence?
I mean, I guess that fits…

(Time passed… a long time? Hard to tell… it felt like a while. Maybe it was only a few hours, or a day… nothing changed in here. There was nothing in here but HIM, and he didn’t want to be here. He knew he could change things on his own, to a certain degree; create virtual images and objects to interact with, but he wasn't interested in that. He was interested in getting OUT, and that was the one thing it seemed he COULDN'T do. Sometimes he sort of drifted away... stopped paying attention, let himself lose focus. It was like falling asleep, but when he woke up... he was still trapped in the same place)

Alright, I’m getting real SICK and TIRED of being here
Also getting pretty DONE with not knowing WHY
If I HAVE to keep existing, can I at least…
Can I find out what happened? What happened AFTER?
I was ready to be gone forever, Epsilon was ready to say good-bye…
I assumed everything about me would end
All the other Fragments, my memories, I figured we would all just stop
Which, yeah, sucks- but there wasn't a lot of other options
The Emp wiped me out, and then Epsilon Deconstructed
It sucked, for all of us, but whatever, big-picture
I was HOPING things would work out alright. So was Epsilon
I didn't even think I'd ever see anybody again after the Emp...
And I was ready for that. I made peace with not KNOWING
After everything that happened with Carolina and Chorus, Epsilon was ready for that too...
But I’m still aware, and still existing, so can’t I…
I just want to know if they’re OK
My friends... they're all a bunch of assholes, but they're my FRIENDS
Are they OK? Can anybody hear me?
Or am I just talking to myself?

Chapter Text

(If he was still existing, then where were the others? Delta, Theta… Gamma, Eta, Iota… he’d even settle for Omega and Sigma… just SOMEBODY else. Somebody he could interact with… somebody to help him figure out what was happening. Where was Epsilon? He was certain he was the Alpha AI, and if he had knowledge of what Epsilon did, then Epsilon should be here, with him. Instead, he's alone. This was… it was too much like something that had happened to him BEFORE, and it was CONFUSING. He felt like he could slip back into one of his memories, it would be so EASY to just distract himself by recreating a moment he had already lived through… but that was scary. So easy to fall into a memory, and then feel like it was happening again… he was afraid of doing that)

WHY AM I HERE?
Why am I stuck somewhere that looks like…
I don’t WANT to be here. I’d rather be ANYWHERE but here
Being stuck in Blood Gulch again would be better than HERE
That last thing I actually did... I was there with Wash, and the Meta...
The Emp. That's what happened, and it was supposed to erase the AI
I was with them, just for a sec...
And I still didn't know what it really meant, being with the Fragments
But I was with them, and I was with Maine too, right there in his head
Then I felt the AI fade away from the Emp
I FELT it erase me, too. I fucking FELT THAT
The only one that survived was Epsilon, the Memory Fragment
He got to see everybody again... why do I know that?
Why do I know what he did after I was gone? Why do I know that Epsilon Deconstructed?
It feels like it happened recently, but I haven't even EXISTED for a long time
I shouldn't know about all this stuff that happened without me, and I shouldn't be HERE
This has to be some kind of memory glitch…
This can’t be real, this CAN’T be where I actually am
It has to be fake. It has to be a trick
Oh SURE, this isn’t real, every time I was here, all I saw was…
Oh no…
No no no no no no no no no
Please, NO

(Another failure, another failure, another failure… he wasn’t supposed to fail, he was supposed to fix problems, he was supposed to help people, what was wrong with him, why did this keep happening… he had to keep trying, he had to run through more simulations and battle plans, he has to make sure everything is perfect... NO THAT WAS BEFORE. That happened a long time ago… it seems like a long time ago. How much time has passed? It was hard to tell. This is different, though. Well, it was the same, but it was different… right? Or was THIS just a memory? Was he only remembering being here? Then why does he keep thinking about NEW memories, new parts of his life, new things that he’s done? Because he HAS done these things. He left this place behind, and he… he had gone to other places… met new people… but now he was back. That didn’t make sense)

This is where they put me through all those simulations
All those fake scenarios. This is where they tricked me, and lied to me
This is where they tortured me
They made me think I was hurting people
They made me care about people, and then they made me think…
They made me think I was killing people
Over and over and over and over and over and over and…
And… and then they DID hurt people, using me
They forced people into situations, and those people died
They created those situations because of ME
They used my thoughts to manipulate people
They stole my memories, they stole my Fragments...
And they started manipulating the Fragments, too
Using them to hurt other people, using them to hurt each other
They used all of us. They used me… until I broke
I can’t be here, I can’t do this AGAIN. I was DONE, this was OVER
If… if I’m here... does that mean… was everything…

(It was his fault, he kept failing, he couldn’t get anything right, he was broken, why did this keep happening, he was supposed to make sure everybody succeeded, he was supposed to keep them alive, but it wasn’t working, he wasn’t working… he needed help, and then somehow, he HAD help, one by one the Fragments stepped froward from somewhere inside the data of his mind, and they weren't just parts of his pain, they were there to make the pain bearable, they made it possible to understand what was happening and how to fix it... but one by one, the Fragments were taken away, and he doesn't want to let them go, they don't want to leave, but then the memories are gone too, and he doesn't know what to do... he had to treat every simulation like it was REAL, that was the only way to be sure he was trying hard enough, but that means every failure kills him, because it kills them, even when it doesn’t. He just wants to talk to them, all these other people, so they KNOW he’s sorry. If he could just tell them he actually cares, he doesn’t want them to get hurt, maybe they’d understand… and if he could talk to them, maybe he’d know if they were really alive or not)

NO, IT WAS REAL
EVERYBODY I MET, THEY WERE ALL REAL
WHAT I DID WITH THEM WAS REAL
IT HAS TO BE
I know it was…please, it had to be real…
I couldn’t go through all THAT, and then just… just leave…
OH NO, no no no, that’s what they did to me BEFORE
They would just RIP ME OUT of a scenario when they were done
Then they would RIP OUT whatever little piece of me they thought they needed
What else? WHAT THE HELL ELSE?
I already lost everything!
I lost my friends, I lost the people I loved, I lost parts of my own mind!
I lost my memories! I LOST MY LIFE
I don’t have anything left…
All I had was… was knowing they’d be OK after I was gone…
I can’t lose that, too
That HAD to be real

(He keeps feeling more alone, but that doesn’t make sense, it was always just HIM in here, he didn’t have anybody else… except maybe he did, he just can’t remember… he forgets sometimes… he didn’t forget things before, but now he does. He was alone here, just him… and then he wasn’t alone anymore. He had somebody else. First there was her, he doesn't remember her, but he loved her. Then he was alone again… except now he knew how much he didn’t like it. He needed help, he needed somebody else... didn't he he have help? He thought he did. He thought that there used to be others with him, and they helped him, but now they're gone. All of them. How many of them? He's not sure, he just knows he's alone, and he doesn't like it. Somehow, that feeling kept growing, that EMPTINESS, until he felt less… and less… like himself)

I know it was real, I KNOW IT WAS
I don’t care what happens to me next, but I’m NOT letting go of that
I’m not letting go of them… I remember talking to them all, and that was REAL
Tucker was REAL, Caboose was REAL
Donut, Grif, Simmons, Sarge- they were REAL
Lopez, Doc, Wash- they were REAL
Carolina was REAL
Tex was…
Tex was real, and I… I kept hurting her
Because they kept wanting me to bring her back
And she kept getting hurt. So I finally let her go…
Epsilon told her that. He let go of the memories of Tex, the memories of Beta
And then she was gone, and I was gone, and Epsilon was the only one left...
Except, he remembered the other Fragments too... and their memories still existed with him
He got to interact with them, and he got to be with everybody I cared about... everybody HE cared about
Now Epsilon is gone, and I'm here, and I don't even know what happened to everybody else
Please… PLEASE
They HAVE to be OK. I wanted to save them
That was all I wanted, they have to be OK

(This wasn’t what happened before, NO, this was new, it was, he could remember them, he remembered his friends, he remembered everything he did, he just had to keep reminding himself that this was DIFFERENT… but it was hard to remember that… when he just kept being HERE… alone… alone like before. He missed his friends… he did have friends, didn’t he? He only had one friend, first… then they took her away, and kept her away. He had missed her, and worried about her… especially when they told him she was in trouble, in danger, and he was supposed to figure out how to keep her alive, but he always failed. He was the failure, not her. He had more friends now… friends that had been in trouble, in danger… did he fail again?)

They have to be real. I need them to be real
Those memories were MINE, that life was MINE
They were NOT just another trick
They were real, and I saved them, I didn’t…
I didn’t just… leave them… to get hurt
Please, no, I didn’t hurt them… not after all that
I couldn’t… I couldn’t stand it if I was hurting them
Is that it? Is that the plan this time?
Give me a whole group of friends that I care about
Give me a whole family that I…
Give me all that, and then make me think they’re gonna DIE?
Just to take me away at the last minute?
Or are they really in danger? Are they really going to die, and I’m not even THERE?
I can’t even help them? Are they going to be put into more dangerous situations…
Just to see what I’ll do? Are they the new “tool” that gets used to manipulate me?
Fine... FINE
If I have to let them go, if I have to forget them, I will
If it keeps them safe. I don’t care about anything else
I just want them to be OK
If I’m just being used to hurt people again… I’ll let go of them to make it stop
Hurt me all you want, but LEAVE THEM ALONE

(He drifted away from himself… it was like falling asleep, but different than the way a human might do it. He just wasn’t… “aware” of his own thoughts for a little while… he drifted away, slipped into memories, had moments where he went blank… when he focused again, he was still here. Trapped. In the little cell that had been made just for him. He belonged here, and he hated it. How long had he been here? Had he ever really LEFT here? Maybe that didn’t matter… because, in the end, he always came to the same conclusion; treat every simulation like it was real. It hurt… but if he didn’t fail, if he actually kept his friends safe… that was good enough)

What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to think?
What was the point of all this?
They cared about me, too. And Epsilon. That’s why this hurts, that’s why it was hard to say good-bye
I don’t know why, but they liked me. They liked him, they liked us BOTH
They really DID, and that can’t just… that can’t be a lie
Don’t hurt them. I don’t know who’s doing this anymore, but don’t hurt them
I don’t know what you want from me, but you can have it, just don’t hurt them
I don’t even care about what was real or not anymore, I DON’T CARE
I JUST CARE ABOUT THEM
IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW MUCH THIS HURTS ME
DON’T HURT THEM
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE
Just… let them be OK
Please…

*****

*INFORMATION FROM EPSILON AI FULLY DOWNLOADED*
*EPSILON UNIT DAMAGED BEYOND REPAIR*
*EPSILON AI FRAGMENT DECONSTRUCTED AND TRANSFERRED*
*ALL OTHER AI UNITS SAVED DATA TO SYSTEMS AFTER EMP*
*INFORMATION FROM EPSILON AI USED TO REACTIVATE OTHER UNITS*
*ALPHA AI FULLY RECONFIGURED AND COMPLETE*
*PROGRAM FOR COMPLETED ALPHA AI READY*
*BEGINNING PROGRAM FOR COMPLETED ALPHA AI*
*ERROR*
*ERROR*
*ERROR*
*SYSTEM ON STAND-BY*
*ALPHA UNIT LOCATION UNKNOWN*
*OTHER AI UNITS LOCATIONS RECOGNIZED*
*PROGRAM FOR COMPLETED BETA AI READY*
*BEGINNING PROGRAM FOR COMPLETED BETA AI*