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Shawn had never really felt like a man. Mr. Turner and Mr. Matthews? Now those were real men. Mr. Matthews loved his wife, he cared for their children. They worked for their families. Turner may not be a perfect guy, and Mr. Matthews may make mistakes sometimes, but they were still men. Fathers. Cory wanted to be like his dad someday. So why couldn't Shawn feel the same?
If there was one thing Shawn had in common with those men, it was that he liked girls. Really liked girls. He liked their lips and their thighs, their hands, their hips. He admired how soft they are.
Shawn was a hands-on learner. He revelled in their clothes, too. He waited for the moments a girl would let him rub his hand over her stockings, or grip her hips right beneath her shirt and above her skirt. He loved the feeling of the polyester. He adored how squishy their hips were, and the way they giggled when he dug his fingers in gently.
In highschool, Shawn tried to be a man. He emulated his father, like a good son should. He chased after girls, he took them on dates and made out with them in booths. Sometimes he thought about what it would be like to be them, chased by boys. What it felt like to kiss someone while you wore lipgloss, instead of the other way around.
He loved his reputation. He'd heard it all: How he was trailer trash, how his dad would sleep with any woman who breathed. So what if he proved them all right? He liked going on dates with girls. It's what made him a man.
Sometimes he wondered whether he'd still be a man if he kissed a boy instead. He thought about bringing this up to Cory once, as a hypothetical, but he chickened out. Maybe there was a reason boys who kissed boys weren't considered men. Maybe.
These were thoughts he only allowed himself to have when he was alone. Thoughts about wearing skirts and kissing boys weren't to be had at school, or around Cory. Cory's always known Shawn best. What if he looked at Shawn and could tell? How would he react? Cory never reacted well to different things, or to change. So Shawn only imagined what it'd be like for a boy to wrap his hands around Shawn's waist, when he was alone.
When his fantasies grew too troubling, too realistic, he gave the person in his fantasy a name. They weren't Shawn, they were Veronica. Not Shawn. It was an easy way to ignore the way he was feeling, what he was constantly thinking. Thinking so often that Cory and Topanga kept grilling him about this 'girl' on his mind.
The reoccurring boy in the fantasies didn't get a name. Shawn didn't know what to name him, and he has no face anyways. Just short, curly hair, and for a while he was always a couple inches shorter than Veronica— and Shawn couldn't tell if it was because of the heels— but then the months passed and he got taller, almost as tall as Veronica in her highest heels. He spent years in her mind, and she never named him.
Sometimes he wished he could tell them that the girl on his mind was him. But the thought of coming clean was scary. Especially when he didn't even know who he was. Was he gay? Was he…. something else? He didn't know. So he ignored it. He chased girls.
When Debbie talked about how she hated the way guys acted, he freaked out. He spent so long carefully crafting his persona, making sure he hid everything he was unsure and ashamed about. Making sure girls loved him. Then she comes along and says she hates guys like him?
And then Shawn has this idea, and he tells Cory to dress up to experience what it's like to be a girl. Cory makes an ugly woman, who waddles like a duck. But Shawn, Shawn has spent night after night alone in his room, with an old pair of his mom's high heels. Topanga picks up on it immediately, and before he knows it he's in a tight skirt and at school of all places.
It's Shawn's worst fear, being in public like this. Where people can see him. Are seeing him. And when Cory offers to carry his books, Shawn knows he's screwed. He's so screwed, he'll never make it until the end of the day without exposing himself and his secret thoughts.
Then, Shawn needs a name.
"How about Janet?" Cory says.
"No, no, no, no, no. Not Janet." Shawn says.
"What possible difference could it make?"
"Cory!" Topanga snaps at him, then turns to Shawn. "You've thought about this before, haven't you? What name have you thought about?"
"Well…. Veronica." Shawn almost whispers.
It almost feels brave, saying out loud. But then Cory's weirded out and that makes Shawn feel so much worse, so disgusted with himself.
"Veronica is a lovely name." Topanga says.
Shawn can't find it in him to be mad at her. She seems… genuine. Genuine in her usual, beautiful, kind, Topanga way. The way Shawn has always been jealous of.
"Good morning, Miss Lawrence, Mr. Matthews, Mr. Hunter!" Feeny walks past.
He stops in his tracks as he comprehends what he just saw. Then he turns, and says to Shawn. "If there's anything you need to talk about, my door is always open. I'm not here to judge."
Shawn doesn't have the time to think about why the gesture made his heart feel warm, because then Gary is coming their way. And noticing Veronica. And suddenly Shawn's feelings about the situation get a lot more complicated.
Gary stands close. Not closer than Cory, who is almost pressed flat against Shawn's back, with a hand on Shawn's shoulder. Shawn can feel the heat radiating from him. Gary stands close enough for Shawn's feet to involuntarily shuffle, and for him to crack a small smile while he looks at the floor.
"Cory," Veronica brushes Cory's hand away. "I can speak for myself."
And then she's agreeing to the date, and Gary's winking, and she's waving. It almost feels real. She's brought back down to earth— to reality— by Cory and Topanga ushering him to class, laughing about how good a plan this was. And as Cory rushes ahead, babbling in excitement, Topanga slows to Shawn's hesitant pace.
"You wanna come over tomorrow? I can help you get dressed. Maybe you can tell me how you came up with Veronica?" She asks.
Shawn hesitates. Is she being genuine or is she just trying to pry his dirty secrets out of him so she can tell the entire grade? He doesn't think she'd do that to him. He's afraid anyways. Either way, he says yes.
The dress Topanga picked out with Shawn is a crushed velvet in deep green. Shawn runs his palms up and down it while Topanga does his makeup, a shy smile on his face. He barely feels nervous, instead focusing on how soft the fabric feels under his fingertips, and the sensation of Topanga's makeup brush on his cheeks.
When he stands, the skirt barely covers his ass. Something Topanga giggled about "being for the boys," in a tone that sounded like it was a little more for her. She'd painted Shawn's nails a light greenish-blue earlier in the day, a cute contrast to the dark color of the dress.
"Final touches!" Topanga sang while she got out the wig. She sat Shawn down in front of the mirror and allowed them to admire her work while she put on the wig.
Veronica's makeup is dark eyeshadow with a yellow shimmer across her eyelid. This time, Topanga decided to forego the bold red lipstick for a nude lipgloss.
The two of them looked over their work in the mirror. They found it hard to scrutinize, because, well. Veronica looked good.
"So, how'd you come up with Veronica?" Topanga broke the silence.
"You've never thought about what you'd be like if you were born a boy?" Shawn said.
"Like, what my name would be?"
"Or, y'know, maybe like the clothes you'd wear. Or the girl's you'd date?" Shawn felt exposed.
"Oh! You mean like what we'd all be like if we switched genders?" Topanga didn't sound entirely convinced. "Sometimes I do. Cory definitely acts like more of a girl than me occasionally, so it's hard not to see myself as the man in the relationship."
"No, like if you were a girl and everyone else were exactly the same as they are now." Shawn was back to whispering in fear of being shamed.
"Oh."
There was a lull in the conversation from there. Shawn ashamed and afraid, Topanga contemplating.
The date was a disaster. Gary didn't listen to Veronica saying no. His touch wasn't nice, like she had imagined. Instead it was unwanted and made her feel dirty. It made her envious of Topanga, who had a boyfriend who respected her wishes and never wanted to make her uncomfortable.
But after the date, standing with Cory for their photo in the paper? They felt proud. It was a learning experience, for the both of them. And hours later, in the dim lighting of the Matthew's living room, out of his feminine clothing, and with Cory asleep on the opposite end of the couch. Wrapped in in one of Cory's sweaters. Shawn allowed his thoughts to drift to his fantasies.
Maybe Shawn didn't know everything about themself. But what they did know? The guy in their fantasies was always warm and sturdy. An unmoving force of support for Veronica— or Shawn— or whoever they were this week. And being in his arms felt like home to them.