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Law blearily opened one eye as the annoying pitch of an alarm penetrated his dreams. He realized it was coming from the nightstand nearby, so he reached out and tossed it over his shoulder. The phone clattered noisily against his desk located across the room, knocking over his cup of pens and pencils and sending them to the floor. The alarm continued, but it was muffled while vibrating against some unyielding surface.
Law heard a sleep snort, wincing as he realized how short-sighted his momentary violence had been. He felt Sanji shift and then lift his head from his pillow, smacking his lips lightly. Instead of behaving as a normal human being and returning to sleep, the younger man crawled over him with a sleepy excited, "I'm going to start the coffee, then jump in the shower – get up! By the time I get out, you better have one foot out of those blankets!"
"Kill me," Law muttered into the mattress, pulling a pillow over his head.
"Maybe during," Sanji assured him lovingly before administering a hard slap to Law's ass. The sharp slap of pain caused Law to become wide awake, wincing as the younger man whistled cheerfully on his way to the bathroom.
The rest of the ungodly hour - eight in the morning – passed by with Sanji hurrying Law through morning routine so they could get out the door. Sanji was pretty excited about today. He had been looking forward to this opportunity for some time, now, ever since Zoro had suggested it the other night when he'd visited.
"We've all got our driver's licenses, so it's time for you to catch up," Zoro had suggested over a plate full of ribs, onion rings and cornbread. He spoke with his mouth full, bread crumbs caught in the sauce at the corners of his mouth and an onion ring in the midst of Ranch dip at the edge of his plate.
"That's probably not a good idea," Law had said over his plate, barbeque sauce smeared around his mouth – much like the others around the table. Sanji frowned at him, the only neat appearance in the bunch. "Statistically, women are bad drivers."
"True," Zoro agreed. "Nami's had to take her car in twice to the body shop after mishaps with stop signs and parallel parking."
"I'm not a woman," Sanji snapped angrily at them, reaching out to refill Chopper’s juice while the reindeer copied Zoro’s way of eating.
"You're the hole, here,” Law murmured.
"Anywho, maybe you should teach him, Trafalgar," Zoro said, licking his fingers as Sanji snarled over Law's logic.
"That's a brilliant idea, Roronoa," Law agreed, for once not making a big scene of it. "Shachi. We need your car."
"Veto'd," Shachi muttered, cleaning off the bone. His bright red hair was pulled back from his face in a messy palm tree, a napkin stuffed at the collar of his shirt. Despite that, he had barbecue sauce smeared at chest level. A thick textbook was opened near his plate, a highlighter marker tucked behind one ear, and he ignored the messy crumbs collecting within the open pages because he was alternating between reading and talking between bites.
"It's the only one with a driver's seat pillow so Sanji can look over the wheel," Law insisted.
"I'm taller than him!" Shachi snapped at him in outrage.
"It'll be easy for you to learn, Sanji," Penguin said assuringly over Shachi trying to hit Law with a rib bone, Bepo hoping to stop the fight with one outstretched paw. Chopper watched with big eyes, chewing noisily on his onion rings dipped in Ranch. "All you really need to do is follow traffic flow. Parallel parking is the worst here in the city, so we'll work extra hard on that."
"I want to learn so I can be a little independent. I want to be able to drive my friends around. Take Chopper to the book store. Get my own groceries, without having to depend on other people to do it," Sanji muttered, feeding Chopper the last of his cornbread. Zoro watched with disapproval as Chopper ate directly from Sanji’s fingers.
"You learn fast. I'm sure this will be a piece of cake," Penguin said with confidence, leaning over in his chair to use a foot to push Shachi back into his chair, and used an arm to push Law back into his, Bepo sighing with relief.
"So be it," Law said with an annoyed sigh, trying to feed Chopper his cleaned rib. "Here, Momo."
"Quit calling me that, asshole!" Chopper shouted at him furiously.
"But dogs eat bones."
"I'm a freakin' reindeer!"
Sanji was cheered with this opportunity without much interference from his overprotective boyfriend. Law usually put up roadblocks (overbearing sabotage)to things that he felt interfered with Sanji's safety and security, so knowing that Law was allowing him this opportunity without much fuss gave him points.
Sanji had missed out on three years of learning opportunities. Getting his driver's license would be just a check off the list of things he wanted to accomplish to fit in with others at his age.
Around nine, the trio walked the few blocks needed to meet the others. Bepo would meet them there, bringing in the practice car. Sanji was too excited to interfere with Law teasing Chopper over leashed pet rules, trying to coax the reindeer into wearing the harness he had with him. In front of an abandoned grocery store, Penguin was already there with Shachi, both of them sharing McDonald's breakfast items and hot coffee. Penguin was wearing his paramedic uniform for his afternoon shift later on, and Shachi looked like hadn’t slept at all, struggling with his mid-terms. Zoro sat with them, calmly laying out a thick flannel blanket for them to sit on. Chopper went to them with a relieved expression, tired of being told to chase a ball into traffic for Law's amusement.
"Remember, it is imperative that you take the utmost care of noticing where your foot is positioned over the pedals," Law told Sanji, tapping his sword against his shoulder. He was dressed in a hoodie over jeans that were cuffed over his boots, his beanie pulled low over his forehead. His scarf was tied neatly around his neck. "Seatbelt first. Take note of the mirrors. Be mindful of other drivers."
"This is a parking lot, I feel confident that I won't hit or be hit by anything over here," Sanji said skeptically. They were looking at an empty parking lot for an abandoned grocery mart – it was fenced in and visitors were warned not to trespass. The last of winter's cold weather was an uncomfortable chill in the air, his breath visible as he spoke. Weekend traffic was minimum, and an airplane soared majestically overhead, cutting through wintery clouds with a swirl. Pigeons cooed from the trees and a dog barked in the distance.
"Take it nice and slow."
"I often do, but somebody's foot hits the gas as soon as he touches it," Sanji murmured.
Chopper looked over with concern once he realized Law had Sanji in a headlock. The reindeer raced over with a panicked shout, Penguin sharing with Zoro one of his hashbrowns when Zoro mentioned that it looked good.
When Bepo finally showed up, Zoro whistled. "That's a nice car."
"It's a 1967 Chevy Impala. Everything about it was remastered and modified, and it comes complete with this awesome sound system that makes your ears ring for days," Penguin said, admiring the car as Bepo parked carefully in front of them. The polar bear turned off the rumbling engine, keys jingling in his paw. Zoro could see their reflection clearly in the shiny rims - he was sitting with two men who covered their faces with exaggerated fits of their scarves, hats and beanies, both of them were polarized sunglasses. Zoro was the only one wearing a ski sweater and jeans, swords at his lap, his shoelaces untied. “The things I’d do if I owned it for myself…”
"It would do nothing for you," Shachi said with a snicker. "You would still need cool points to get noticed."
"Only you need that extra effort, momma's boy."
"SHUT UP!"
"It's so shiny," Sanji said with uncertainty, yanking away from Law's grasp. He walked over to the car with his hands fluttering over his own warm coat with nervous action. "It's intimidating. Where has this been hiding? I haven’t seen it parked at the complex…"
"It lives in a secured garage across town," Bepo answered, climbing carefully out from the front seat. The polar bear could not possibly have fit in the driver’s seat, but he unfolded himself easily from it. The car shifted with his weight. "It rarely sees the light of day. I figured this would be a good reason to appropriate it from its confines and let it stretch its legs. Go ahead, Sanji, take the driver's seat. Adjust it so that you're comfortable behind the wheel."
"Hey, don't crash while you’re doing that!" Zoro called out helpfully.
"10 and 2!" Penguin said with a snicker, unwrapping another Egg McMuffin.
"Check your blinker fluids first!" Shachi laughed.
"I can't see you driving this," Sanji said to Law suspiciously as Bepo deposited the keys into his hand. Sanji looked down at the single key with a shiny emblem of a four leaf clover on it. "Is this your car?"
"Just because I don't play with my toys all the time doesn't mean I don't have any," Law said to Sanji patiently. He reached to brush Sanji’s blond hair from his face, then touched his chin. "Now, listen to me. I am entrusting you to take care of one of my most valuable things. You must treat it as if it's very fragile, irreplaceable, and if you damage it in anyway, I will most certainly kill you. You must think of it as a very rare treasure, because in actuality, you cannot find a replacement for it anywhere in the States. Is this understood?"
Sanji looked at the car with a tentative frown. He bit his lower lip. "You're making me nervous."
"I hope it does, perhaps it'll help you to be careful," Law told him. "I am trusting you with my life."
"…This is an empty parking lot." Sanji glanced around them just to make sure that it was still an empty parking lot. “There is not much damage I can cause.”
"You can do this, Sanji," Bepo whispered, paws together. "Believe in yourself."
With a low exhale, Sanji approached the car, nervously fiddling with the key that glittered in the palm of his hand. The inside of the vehicle was outfitted with what smelled like new leather. The dashboard had been recently modified to accommodate a glowing sound system. There was the odd sight of three pedals on the floor, just beyond the very clean floormats that looked as if they had been taken from the same cow that made up the seats.
"Why are there three of them?" Sanji asked Law, who looked over his shoulder to see what he was pointing at.
Law gave a worried furrow of his brow. "Huh. Indeed."
"Sanji, this is a stick shift vehicle," Bepo explained. "One pedal is the clutch. The other is the brake, and the last is the gas."
Sanji looked at them with question, then at Law once more. "I've never seen this type of vehicle, before. Zeff drives an automatic. It can't be that difficult to learn with three pedals, right?"
"I don't know. I don't know how to drive stick, either." Law kissed his forehead. He looked at Bepo, the polar bear blinking his big eyes down at him. "Take care of my baby. Don't fuck up."
Sanji blushed.
"He's not even full grown, yet," Law said, reaching up to pet Bepo tenderly. The polar bear nuzzled into that friendly hand. "He has so many years to go…"
"Senpai, I am actually full grown," Bepo said with a delighted polar bear smile.
Sanji scowled at Law once he realized Law was talking about the bear. "You animal loving, gluten free, tree hugging homo-vampire. Enough! Let's start."
"Bepo will be teaching you. That's why I told you to be careful. He is my most valuable treasure, and he’s irreplaceable and precious," Law said, reaching up to scratch at Bepo's neck, causing the bear to lean into the scratching. "Don't let this stubborn brat kill you while I enjoy the company of my gluten free companions, Bepo."
Sanji kicked Law before turning and getting into the car with a huff, jamming the key into the ignition. He adjusted the seat and pulled on his seatbelt, gripping the slim steering wheel within both hands as Bepo hurriedly smushed himself into the passenger side seat. After a few moments of firm instruction, the car started with a roar.
"You're an ass," Zoro told Law as he walked over to them. "A stick shift? Why are you making it so hard for him?"
"He wants to learn to drive so bad, he might as well as start from the very bottom of things," Law muttered petulantly.
"You are intentionally sabotaging his efforts to be independent."
"I don't even know how to drive a stick shift," Penguin stated with mild concern.
"My grandpa has a car like this one, but I never got it, either," Shachi said. “Modern conveniences are it for me.”
"…Whose car is this, really?" Zoro asked suspiciously.
They all watched as Bepo instructed Sanji to push the clutch in, and to push the gearshift into first. The car died with a jerk.
When Sanji restarted it, the car inched forward then died again, engine revving noisily. A few more times of this, and Sanji finally had it moving forward, until he had to change gears into second. With a severe grinding that made the others wince, the car jerked a few times, but continued moving roughly. Bepo's patient tone continued instructing Sanji until he had to make a turn at the end of the parking lot, slowing down to first gear with clumsy action. Once Sanji realized he wasn't slowing down and making the turn fast enough to avoid the fence, he winced, hitting the brakes.
At the sound of metal crunching and a wobbling light pole, everyone laughed. Bepo instructed Sanji to leave it in neutral, getting out to from the passenger seat to push the entire vehicle away from the fence so that Sanji could make a tight enough turn to drive away from it. The group snickered at the sight, but wouldn’t admit that they’d do the same thing if they could.
Sanji hastily hand rolled the window down and shouted, "SHUT UP, ASSHOLES!" When he rolled it back up, his angry breath fogged up the glass.
"Seriously, whose car is this?" Zoro asked.
At the secretive smirks on three faces, Zoro gave up wanting to know.
Bepo returned to Sanji’s side of the car, choosing to instruct him from outside the driver’s side window. Sanji managed to get the car going again, the vehicle jerking ever so often as he switched gears. He held onto the steering wheel with white knuckles as he made a few turns in the parking lot, learning how to switch from first to third, gears grinding noisily with each shift. When it came to parking, he had a hard time letting off the gas to shift, and when the car died in a spot, he hung over the wheel with relief.
"We're making wonderful steps, Sanji! You've done more than those jokesters have in their entire life!" Bepo said encouragingly. "Soon, only you and I will know how to drive a stick-shift, and that's true talent! Now, start it up, and put it into reverse."
Once Sanji did as he instructed, he had trouble judging the distance of the mirror rearview compared to turning and looking over the seat. As Sanji pressed down on the gas, he panicked when he made to hit the brake to slow the sudden movement, and hit the clutch. Correcting it, Sanji hit the gas, and thus slammed the back bumper into a nearby light pole.
The others erupted into laughter once more.
With an irritated growl, Sanji restarted the car and made to pull away, but ended up slamming back into the pole once more, tires squealing against the pavement. He let off the gas, but the car jerked and died. With a snarl of frustration, he started the car up, put it into first, and pulled away from the pole. As he was pulling away, the light pole slowly came down behind him, slamming over the trunk and back windshield with such a spectacular crash that he lifted his feet in an automatic cringe, the car dying with a sputter.
Sanji could hear the group of men laughing hysterically.
Bepo waited patiently near the driver’s side while Sanji snatched the seatbelt off, climbed out of the car, and kicked the pole out of the pavement, snapping another kick to send the broken thing far away from them. It sailed high up into the air, arching a few blocks away until it dropped out of sight. Sanji climbed back into the car once more, started it, and patiently coaxed the vehicle forward. Once Bepo was satisfied with his forward action, he asked that Sanji stop. Once Sanji had the vehicle rumbling in neutral, Bepo asked him to reverse. This time, Sanji was able to judge the distance better, and backed perfectly into an empty spot. Satisfied, Bepo encouraged him to continue forward again. This time, they drove without much trouble around the parking lot.
"I'm not impressed," Shachi scoffed. "I bet stick shift's easy to manage."
"He's already had a lot of practice with handling the stick," Law agreed.
"I thought this was his first time – YOU BASTARD."
"God, you're so slow," Penguin complained as Shachi reddened, pulling his hat over his face with mortification.
"We're ready, senpai," Bepo said as Sanji pulled up next to them, exhaling with relief.
"Sanji, remember what I said earlier," Law said to the blonde, who scowled at him. "I will never forgive you if something happens."
"You get to sleep on the couch tonight!" Sanji snarled at him, the car dying as he failed to put it in neutral. He started the car up again, adjusting the gears with a terrible grinding until he got it right.
"Well, this should be interesting," Zoro said, rising from the pavement, swords adjusted. "Let me in, bear. I can be the backseat driver."
"I swear, if you get lippy with me while we're out there, we're handling it in the middle of the road!" Sanji snapped at him, lighting up a cigarette as Bepo waited for Zoro to climb into the back seat, sweeping aside glass shards. Then Bepo positioned himself into the passenger seat, folding his body so that he could fit.
Once the car sputtered slowly to the entrance way of the parking lot, Bepo intending on taking Sanji on a practice drive around the neighborhood, Law looked at Penguin, Shachi and Chopper.
"We've got exactly twenty minutes," he said, looking at his phone. "Let's do our best, today."
"Aye, aye!" Penguin and Shachi said with glee, racing off towards Penguin's souped up Ford Focus RS.
"What are we going to do?" Chopper asked Law curiously.
"We're going to instruct Sanji on how to maintain his composure on the road while under pressure. The best way to go about it is when he's under terrible stress caused by outside forces," Law said airily. "Such things are conducted by close family and friends – that way, it's safe."
Chopper looked at him with some confusion. "What sort of 'stress'?"
When the RS pulled up next to them, Shachi was loading his semi-automatic rifle, and Penguin held out his .50 caliber Desert Eagle with a clap on the driver's side door. Chopper froze with horror. Law scooped the reindeer up and carried him into the backseat, the pair in front laughing with glee as tires squealed over the pavement.
Twenty minutes later, Sanji, Bepo and Zoro stumbled away from the wrecked car, all of them in a state of disarray. The once gleaming red beauty was now a destructed mess with bullet holes in the side, a missing roof, busted tires, bent hub caps, broken windows; the driver's side door had fallen somewhere near the gas station they'd passed minutes ago. The car was sitting sideways against a metal railing overlooking the nearby water canal, and horrified pedestrians across from them were taking pictures.
Sanji was traumatized, but he was also pissed. Zoro looked like he was minutes from a heart attack, having sliced off the roof of the car just to get out and deflect the ammunition fired their way. He'd considered jumping onto the Focus RS plenty of times to finish the job, but Penguin either backed to a safe distance or Sanji's horribly new coordination in shifting gears and maintaining his lane made it unsafe. Bepo's throat was sore from screaming, his fur wet with sweat.
Bepo shook out glass from his sweaty fur as Sanji fell to his knees onto the cold pavement. Somehow, the car caught flame, and Sanji was pretty sure that was impossible. The car was just sitting there. He gaped at it for a few moments, then looked up when the sound of an approaching vehicle came up to them. In the distance, sirens shrilled out.
Penguin leaned out the window, Desert Eagle at rest. "Did you run out of gas?"
"Hey, hussy, great reflexes!" Shachi hollered from his side of the car, handing Chopper his spent clip. "That was an awesome 's' turn back there! Penguin can't drive like that!"
"I was pretty impressed," Penguin admitted, his paramedic jacket dusted lightly with his gun. "I'd trust him to drive me on the short bus to school."
"You fuckers!" Zoro shouted at them, grasping his heart. "WHY?"
"Sanji, you no longer have to work hard to impress me," Law decided, pushing out from behind Penguin to hang out the window, Penguin crammed against the steering wheel. "If I was able, I’d issue you a driver’s license without delay."
"I WAS LEARNING HOW TO DRIVE, NOT DIE!" Sanji shouted at him, red faced with veins bulging at his neck and forehead.
”I could make s’mores off him!” Shachi giggled, Chopper lighting up at the concept with some excitement.
"You did well for the first time, Sanji, you have to admit," Bepo admitted, sitting heavily as his legs gave out from underneath him. "But I agree with you both…YOU JERKS! You didn't even let me in on this!"
"We'd better go before they catch up to us," Zoro said to Sanji reluctantly, gesturing in the direction of the sirens.
Law climbed out of the car with Chopper following him. The older man gestured at Zoro to jump in, and the man did – the other two looking at him reluctantly as he realized the payback opportunity.
"Be nice to each other," Law told them, looking back at Sanji as Chopper raced over to him with a concerned expression. Law then looked at the flaming car, wearing a puzzled look as he wondered how it spontaneously caught fire.
"We'd better go, too, senpai," Bepo said shakily.
"Right. Room."
Moments later, the four of them were standing on the other side of the canal, having replaced a few of the onlookers closest to the treeline. Once there, Sanji reached for him, snarling.
"One moment, this is going to take a lot of effort," Law said, pausing him in place with a finger to Sanji’s lips, lightly pushing him back. Sanji lowered his hands, watching as Law extended the width of his Room a considerable distance. Bepo looked at him with worry, the strain obvious on the man's face. Moments later, the flaming red car was replaced by a gleaming black Shelby GT, the car crunching into the railing with such force that both men inside slammed against the windshield and exited over the hood.
Once Sanji realized that Law had switched the damaged car with another, he looked at the passengers with worry, sure that Law had been careless. After all, the car had been in motion before it was switched.
But as a man spilled out from the broken windshield with fluid curses, cops pulling up on them with shouts and screams for him to put his hands up, Sanji realized who it was.
"You went and took Kid's car for this?" Sanji asked Law in outrage.
"Like I'd entrust you with mine," Law said, giving Sanji a skeptical look. "And besides, Kid's got a large collection of cars we can borrow. I'm sure he won't mind if we use one every once in a while."
Bepo frowned at him. "Senpai, the red one was on fire. If it reaches the gas tank, it'll explode."
"I wouldn't worry about it."
"You're such an ass!" Sanji exclaimed, grabbing him by his jacket. "How could you do that to me? I was fucking terrified!"
"You did exceptionally well. Bepo is unharmed. You protected my irreplaceable treasure in the same way I guarded my heart."
"I have to admit, I did have to do things right as you assholes were shooting at me," Sanji said reluctantly, straightening his own jacket. "And I appreciated the action. I just feel that we could've gone about it in another way..."
"I forgive you for all the mean words you said just now," Law told him gently.
"WHAT 'MEAN' WORDS -?"
"You'll have your driver's license in no time, Sanji!" Bepo said cheerfully.
"I'M NOT DRIVING WITH YOU ASSHOLES AGAIN!"
With a hurt expression, Law drew away from him. "Who else would help you after this?"
: :
A few days later, they were meeting new driving instructors in the apartment complex parking lot.
"YES! Sanji! This is going to be great! I'm the greatest instructor there is, I mean, this brat here learned directly from me," Ace assured Sanji, happily shaking his hand and then hugging him as Luffy stood nearby, hands on his hips and wide grin on his face.
"Please take care of me!" Sanji said politely in response, a little unnerved by the close contact.
"Ace is such a hugger," Luffy said lightly to Law.
Law scowled heavily as Ace held the hug for far longer than was necessary. He ended up cramming his sword between them and prying the man away from Sanji, glaring at him.
"Right! Well! It's an automatic, I hope you don't mind," Ace laughed, pointing at the dented Gremlin nearby, causing Law to grimace at the sight of it.
”That’s a car?” Sanji asked skeptically.
”They don’t make them like they used to,” Ace admitted.
"It's certainly made its share of fantastic food runs!" Luffy exclaimed.
"That mousetrap is your car?" Law asked dubiously.
"No, no, no, he's kidding," Sabo said quickly, nearly out of breath as he reached them hastily with a tired expression.
Law wasn't familiar with Luffy's family – so as the more normal brother approached them, he felt a little reassured. Ace looked like he'd just rolled out of bed with his shaggy black hair, sweats and a hooded sweater. He was wearing puppy slippers with worn out heels. Luffy was in a near similar outfit, while Sabo looked as if he'd been out shopping in his athletic tracksuit and tennis shoes that should've been thrown into the trash the day they were bought.
With a polite smile at Sanji, Sabo said, "Don't worry, I'm going along with you. Ace is a little…well, it took both of us to teach Luffy, but Luffy passed his test on the first try. He's spectacular with parallel parking!"
"Automatic or stickshift?" Sanji asked cautiously, Sabo pointing at a nearby Corolla with a missing hubcap.
"Automatic, of course! No one drives stick shift, anymore. Come along. And, you, it's best that you stay here with Luffy. I don't want Sanji to feel pressured," Sabo added, pointing at Law.
"You'll do fine, Sanji!" Luffy assured him, Law frowning at Ace with warning.
"We'll take really good care of him," Ace assured Law, reaching out with an arm around Sanji's waist. "Of course, here's hoping he can handle being double teamed."
"With both of you guys there, I'm sure I'll do fine," Sanji said cheerfully, a little grateful for a change in presence, as it was another perspective.
"I don't like this," Law muttered as Ace kept his arm around Sanji’s waist as he walked alongside Sanji, Sabo patiently explaining to Sanji the basics of proper blinker usage.
"Don't worry, Sabo's really strict. If he feels you don't know how to make a full stop at a red light, he makes you do it over and over again until you do it in your dreams," Luffy muttered, twitching slightly. "And he's really tough about the blinker."
As the three of them climbed into the car, Luffy leaned in close to Law.
"Hey, Law. Want to see something special?" he asked on a very low whisper, causing Law to frown at him.
Once he realized Luffy was pulling his sweats from his waist, Law’s expression dropped with horror. But the teen dropped his pants to reveal basketball shorts, reaching up with one stretchy arm to their second floor apartment balcony to retrieve a basketball.
"Let's play one on one," Luffy challenged, dribbling the ball through his legs, then switching to a ball fake.
Law looked at him with revulsion. "NO."
"Good on you! Because I would be embarrassed if I lost to me, too."
Law narrowed his eyes. Pulling out his cellphone, he tapped out a message, then removed his jacket, setting it onto the bench near him. His hat went with it. Moments later, Shachi and Penguin stood there, stretching their limbs, ready to play. Luffy scowled at him as Law laid down on the bench, folding his arms behind his head.
"Challenge accepted."
"That's cheating!" Luffy exclaimed. “I meant you!”
"Heard you got game, Strawhat. We challenge you! Or are you scared?" Shachi stressed, removing his glasses and hat, tossing both onto Law. Luffy looked at him with an awed expression, dropping the ball. Luffy had never see the man without his protective items, so seeing Shachi’s full face was almost as if Luffy were viewing some type of deity.
"My threes have been straight nuclear bombs since this morning," Penguin warned Luffy, removing his hat and tossing it after Shachi's things, Law looking at them with irritation.
Luffy’s mouth dropped open at the sight of Penguin’s face, rattled with the knowledge of being in the presence of two outrageously good-looking men. Once they meandered to the basketball court nearby, Law placed his phone on its highest volume setting, set it against the crook of his neck and the collar of his sweater, then dozed off as the game started.
Ten minutes later, after some very strict exercises with parking, reversing and parallel parking, Sabo decided that Sanji was ready to start driving around the block. As Sanji was pulling up to the apartment complex's main exit, Sabo praising him for his smooth ability to make soft stops, Ace leaned between them, pointing outward with a hard grimace.
"Wait, who's that?" he asked, causing both blondes to look forward.
Blocking the path ahead of them was a sleek black towncar with a heavily damaged rooftop and a windshield speckled with broken edges. The driver was grim-faced, clutching the steering wheel with gloved hands. Sanji frowned, trying to remember if he'd offended anybody in the syndicates lately. When the visor was lifted, he realized he was looking at Daz Bones. When the door to the back seat opened, a man stepping out with a flair of his jacket, Ace whistled.
"How many seals did it take for him to make that coat?" he wondered aloud as Sabo reached out to the car horn and honked once.
"Please move, sir!" he said aloud, waving a hand at Crocodile as he removed his cigar from his mouth.
Sabo honked again while Sanji searched his memory, trying to see if any of the Strawhats – or Law, damn him – had offended the man in some way. But as sand began to rise between them, the towncar backing away to give his employer space to attack, Sanji narrowed his eyes, placing his hands at 10 and 2. Ace looked at him with a spreading grin while Sabo reached over and honked the horn again.
”Sir! We’re trying to exit!”
"Get out of that damn can," Crocodile snarled low. "BLACKLEG! For the crime you've committed against me, I'll make you and your little friends wish you'd never come back!"
"I don't know what I did, but bring it," Sanji muttered as he stepped on the gas pedal, much to Sabo's horror and Ace’s glee.
Ten minutes later, Law snorted himself awake, blinking away the sleepy haze around his vision until he was aware of his surroundings. He looked over to see if the pair had beaten Luffy yet. Luffy was looking at his phone with a grim expression, Shachi right behind him, fist curled tightly with concentration. Penguin was lying on the court with his arms out, and when Law straightened up from the bench, he realized that someone had piled various pebble piles on him. He brushed himself off with irritation.
"Got him!" Luffy cried, dancing in place while Shachi cheered.
"Sanji's not back, yet?" Law asked crankily, rubbing the kink out of his neck.
"Not yet! C'mon! I bet we can find a rock type in that wall, over there!" Luffy said, both him and Shachi hurrying off, phone leading the way.
Law walked over to Penguin and realized he was sleeping. He looked at his phone, sure he hadn't been sleeping that long. He looked up at the sight of movement from the corner of his eye and realized the trio that had been driving in Sabo’s Corolla was walking back, looking battered. Sabo was carrying his car's steering wheel, Ace was obscenely shirtless, and Sanji looked guilty.
"What happened?" Law asked in alarm, lowering himself to sit onto Penguin's chest. Penguin complained noisily, struggling to breathe.
"Crocodile," Sanji muttered, scratching his chin while Sabo looked at his steering wheel with a sad frown. Ace was chuckling, parts of his hair smoking slightly. "I guess I should be lucky that the light pole I'd kicked this morning hit his car, and nobody else."
"And what did we learn today?" Law asked him firmly.
"Not to kick light poles up," Sanji answered confidently.
"My car!" Sabo complained. "Look, I'm all up for helping a friend out, but…I sort of need a reliable ride to get to work."
"That was one of the best driving lessons I'd ever had," Ace admitted, reaching over to ruffle Sanji's hair, then smoothed it back into place, deliberately stroking his face. "You sure do know how to show a man a good time."
"I will handle it. Please be here tonight at eleven," Law assured Sabo as he stood, taking Sanji's hand and leading him away from Ace before the man could touch him again.
"But other than that, he did beautifully! He follows instruction quite well!" Sabo said.
"Probably too well in some aspects," Ace added with a leer. "What else can he do?"
"I think I've had enough driving lessons for today," Sanji muttered, pushing Law to the side once he sensed his murderous intentions towards Ace. "I'm fairly confident with the basics."
"You did awesome! Just study the booklet a little more, and pay more attention to your mirrors," Sabo advised him, swatting Ace's hand when he spotted the man reaching out to touch Sanji's hair. "Look with your eyes, not your entire head. Maybe consider a change of hairstyle?"
"Maybe," Sanji agreed reluctantly. "Thank you."
"Eleven," Law stressed to Sabo before frowning at Ace as Sanji wandered over to Penguin, nudging him with his shoe to see if he were dead.
"Rich people scare me," Sabo muttered to Ace, before walking towards the stairway to their apartment, missing seeing Ace flip Law off. Sabo found Luffy's pants abandoned next to the basketball court and picked them up with consternation. "Right. LUFFY! Damn it. Go find your brother, Ace. He's missing his pants, again."
"That kid found his special purpose in life! Let him live it to the fullest!" Ace laughed, wandering off.
The next day, Law clutched his seatbelt with both hands, Chopper trying hard not to get sick. Both of them jerked forward once Sanji hit the brakes with a snarl, sailing past the stop sign. Luckily, the country roads were only with a few cars here and there, but the long distances between houses and entranceways to secluded neighborhoods guaranteed plenty of stop signs.
Once the pair hit the backseats upon stoppage, Zeff snapped from the passenger seat, "You damned shit! You nearly gave me whiplash! Who the hell taught you how to drive? You drive like a distracted woman!"
"Shut UP, you old fart! If you weren't talking to me, I would've seen that we were coming up to a damned stop sign! What are you looking, ass?" Sanji then snarled at the other car across from him.
"He's looking at the idiot behind the wheel! He has the right of way, jackass! You're the dumbass who thinks stop signs don't apply to him! What the hell are you doing? Don't go forward just yet – you wait until he's cleared his lane! What is wrong with you? Are you trying to fuck up my car?" Zeff snarled at him, red faced and angry as he hit the dash with his hands.
"SHUT UP! You keep yapping over a stupid mistake! I did it! It's over with! Let it go! It's just one stupid stop sign!"
"Ease up on the gas, speed racer! This isn't your car!"
"I'm barely pushing on it, geezer!"
"Stop calling me old! I'm not that fucking old! Slow the hell down, you shitty brat!"
"I didn't even hit the speed limit yet! How the hell am I supposed to hit the speed limit if I can't even touch the gas - ! STOP TOUCHING THE BRAKES!"
"My foot is on my fucking brake because you're speeding like a jackass!"
"Sanji? I feel really sick," Chopper complained, everyone's heads snapping forward as Sanji hit the brakes, certain that meant Chopper was going to puke. Sanji flicked on his blinker, and eased the car over the shoulder.
"Don't go too far over, you're going to run over some sort of debris and make my tires flat!" Zeff snapped at Sanji impatiently.
"I'm getting off the damn road so Chopper can get some fresh air! Stop nagging at me!"
"I'm not nagging! I'm just saying! Ease up on the fucking gas, and put this thing in park!"
"I'm not on the gas!"
"Nobody in their right mind will give you a license, you dandy ass Jeff Gordon!"
"I'm riding on the damn brakes!"
"What do you want to do, you want to ruin my goddamn tires? Pull off the side of the road - !"
"I'M ALL THE WAY OFF THE ROAD!"
Later that night, Law stared up at the ceiling while Sanji seethed next to him, holding a pillow tightly in both hands. He'd spent most of the night saying all the things he'd thought of later in response to Zeff's teachings. Both Law and Chopper hid while Sanji cleaned the entire apartment, snarling and snapping at various topics, both of them too scared – "smart", Law said in his case – to draw Sanji's attention their way.
"At least you were able to drive a long distance," Law said tentatively.
"I could've done it without his help! I don't need his help! That shitty bastard, talking to me that way! Who the hell does he think he is? Doesn't he know I still feel the impulse to kill him? I could kill him next time! He thinks my kicks are a goddamn weapon? I have a thousand plus pound weapon at my goddamn hands! I'll kill us both by driving into traffic, or rolling us a goddamn cliff! He wants to talk to me like I'm a fucking child? HELL WITH HIM!"
Law vowed he was not going to stay in a car with Sanji if Sanji were pissed at him. He rolled onto his side while Sanji took his frustration out on his pillow.
The next morning, Corazon smiled brightly at Sanji, Sanji automatically returning the smile as Gladius stood solemnly nearby.
"Good morning, Sanji! Law!" Corazon exclaimed as he sipped carefully at his iced drink while Gladius' eyes narrowed ever so slightly, taking a step away from him. "This is our driver, Gladius. You've met him, right?"
"A few times," Sanji admitted.
"He's going to teach you how to drive, today. He is honestly the best driver we have, capable of allowing us to elude the authorities, escape the parking meter maid, and catch up to various food trucks. He also thinks stop signs and stop lights are for pussies," Corazon added, digging out his cigarettes. Law snatched them from him, then took his lighter, stuffing them into his jacket pockets. Corazon frowned at him, but sipped at his drink, leaving bright red marks on his green straw.
"Where's Doffy?" Law asked him, seeing that the driveway was clear of his uncle.
"He said he needed donuts. He went out about ten minutes ago," Corazon said with certainty. "Don't worry, I made sure he'll be gone long enough to avoid seeing us as we set out. Gladius will take Sanji down the street, to the suburb over there. Their streets are generally nice and quiet. Plenty of roundabouts, speed bumps and children playing in the road, so it's not that dangerous."
"I see. Thanks."
"I'm happy for you, Sanji! I'm pretty confident you'll get your driver's license in no time at all!" Corazon said, reaching out and patting Sanji’s shoulder.
Sanji couldn’t help but beam up at him for the man’s positivity. It was hard to feel any other way with Corazon around.
Corazon's phone then chirped, and he looked at it with a frown.
"Damn him," he snarled low, turning away from them as several of their minions raced out from the mansion, jumping into black vehicles with dark windows. A couple of them hurried over to him, patiently escorting him towards a SUV type. "He's upset the bakery manager again, I need to take care of this. Gladius! You know what to do! Take care of our dau – I mean, our child's special someone!"
"I don't like the way your tongue slipped," Law said suspiciously.
But the flood of vehicles on an urgent mission tore through the manned gates in a rush of black, and Law frowned as he wondered if this was a ploy. Moments later, he felt his phone vibrate, and pulled it from his jacket. Seeing Bepo being held against his will in some dank warehouse setting, he looked at Sanji with consideration. Law then looked at Gladius, who looked utterly pained that this task was given to him. Another vibration of Law’s phone showed Bepo looking anxious, holding a sign that read 'ten minutes'.
Law exhaled shortly, slipping his phone into his jacket pocket. "10 and 2, brat. Ease up on the gas pedal. And for god's sake, don't use your entire head to look at your mirrors."
"Where are you going?" Sanji asked him with worry.
"An urgent matter has come up."
"Are those two threatening to dye Bepo's fur pink again?" Sanji asked impatiently.
"No. How dare you presume that a bear is more important than you are." Law kissed him quickly and was gone, Sanji knowing that this was an entire lie. He looked at Gladius, then at the towncar next to them.
"You're not driving. You're going to just watch me drive," Gladious told him crankily.
"How am I going to learn like that?" Sanji complained, but climbed into the car anyway. There was a window barrier between their seats and the back seat, and it was currently closed. The front smelled like cigarette smoke and fast food, and the steering wheel looked dented in places, like Gladius had either been gripping it hard enough to bend it, or hitting it in frustration. With Corazon and Doflamingo's demanding antics, it probably had been both.
As Gladius climbed in, he started the car and pulled away from the driveway, turning right onto the main road. Sanji sat patiently, looking out the window, reviewing the lessons he had so far.
Gladius pulled over a block away, grumbling as he left the car rumbling. "Get out."
Sanji looked at him with confusion. "What?"
"Get out!"
Sanji did so reluctantly, anxiously watching as Gladius headed back to the mansion. The sunroof of the car opened, and Doflamingo poked his head out, grinning wide.
"I heard my daughter needed driving lessons! Well, forget everything you've learned so far!" Doffy chuckled, rising out from the back seat like a pink-feathered phoenix.
"I'm not a girl! But considering all the lessons I've been taking these past couple of days, I don't think there's anything else for you to teach me," Sanji said, hesitating just for a moment as Doflamingo gestured that he take the driver's side.
"No one has to know that I'm here," Doflamingo told him. "After all, no one thought to tell me that this was happening – I'm sure they meant to, but it slipped their minds. But once you take that seat, forget about the seatbelt. As a warrior of the road, you don't want to be trapped in a moving tin can, do you? NO! You want an easy way out to escape when you're rolling this bitch through the neighborhood after initializing Plan A!"
"I'm pretty sure I won't roll anything…but what's 'Plan A'?" Sanji asked curiously, certain that this was a bad idea. He had to be neutral with all the syndicate heads. He couldn't be favoring any of them – even if he had a past with the Donquixote family, he needed to treat them as equally as the other heads.
"Never mind. Just drive. The road is calling you. Besides, I just installed a newer version of this game on my phone, and it's super intense," Doflamingo told him, showing him the screen. "I overheard Cora talking about the chill neighborhood over there, you'll just do a driveby through it. There's no danger in suburbia except for getting lost."
"'Mowgli's Great Escape'?" Sanji repeated skeptically.
It was only driving lesson. And everything Doflamingo suggested, Sanji figured he'd do the opposite of. He was pretty sure the man never drove a vehicle in his life – Sanji had only seen him in the backseat with someone else at the helm. As the window barrier between him and the backseat slowly lowered, Sanji climbed into the driver's seat, automatically reaching for the seatbelt. But Doflamingo cleared his throat noisily as he took his seat, his massive feet propped up on the middle console.
"A 'chill' neighborhood," Sanji repeated, putting the car into gear.
Sure enough, Doflamingo ignored him for a few minutes. Sanji was now comfortable pulling up to various stop signs, yielding to incoming traffic through the roundabouts, and even used his blinker at correct times. The area was quiet with beautiful houses, wide yards, and kids playing in the streets. Old people spoke to each other over white picket fences. Cats perched atop of fences and surveyed their territory.
Sanji admired the sights around himself, careful not to look with his whole head at his mirrors. He stopped for pedestrians. He heard Doflamingo make a few calls – he was going to ignore the threats of violence, negotiation for better weapons deals and a Chinese take out delivery set for 5 pm because Doflamingo was being extra nice, today – and when the bigger man realized that Sanji had cruised through the entire stretch of neighborhoods, he put his phone down.
"Make a right, and take three streetlights to the KFC over there," Doflamingo said, pointing ahead of him. "You can't miss it, it's pretty straight forward."
Sanji followed his instruction, feeling a little nervous with more traffic around him, with people who cut in front of him and who braked suddenly because of their own decisions. He was only slightly sweaty with tension as he pulled up to the last light on Doflamingo's route when he heard a clatter of sound behind him. He tried not to look, because that often meant bad things.
"Listen here, girly boy, I'm going to give you the most important advice you can ever receive behind the wheel," Doflamingo said, snapping something noisily with both hands.
"I've pretty much heard it all," Sanji assured him, trying to look into the rearview mirror for clues. The KFC came into view, and he saw the spread of bright cars, the display of young flesh. It looked like a bunch of young adults were gathered for some sort of party, and their music was loud and electronic until Sanji realized it was Apoo Scratchman's crowd.
The young syndicate head was atop of one car, slapping out a beat on his chest, and while it looked like he was having a fine time, he caught sight of the black towncar moving up towards them. Then he just looked terrified.
"My advice for you," Doflamingo said as he opened the sunroof, and stood up. The sight of him sent people scattering, and Apoo leapt off the car, hands going to his head as he raced for cover. At the ear ringing sounds of an automatic weapon firing off, Sanji screamed with horror. "First off, drive fast. NOW!"
Once Sanji saw guns in the hands of those who made it to cover, he stepped on the gas. Smoke lifted into the air once a few cars raced out from the parking lot, intending on giving chase. Apoo threw himself into the backseat of one of the SUV's pointing in their direction.
"OH MY GOD!" Sanji exclaimed with horror, looking in the side mirror as they began catching up.
Doflamingo laughed, pulling down from the sunroof, tossing aside his gun. "SECOND LESSON! You can only learn through action! And this is the most action you'll ever get! A car chase will teach you the true ways of survival! And when you're on the road, encased within a steel cage that can only be operated by your hands, you can only learn through true terror how to drive! This is your life, GB! Decide what you want to do with it!"
"YOU BASTARD!" Sanji shouted, bullets shattering windows, hitting the trunk of the car. He pushed on the gas as Doflamingo laughed, picking up his phone.
"Thatta girl! Ha ha ha! Get us home safely. That's all you need to do – oh, goody! The cops! Truly, definitely, they'll save us from – oh, wait, guess not. Guess they're going after everybody. You don't want to get caught, girly boy. With your looks, you'd have a very hard time keeping the vermin off you in jail. Here, drive through this neighborhood here – they'll drop back once they see the kids playing in the road – oh, guess not, they're still coming. Disregard the speed bumps! They're only minor obstacles! Drive fast! They're going to launch you into next week, and that's how you want to escape these bastards! Hahaha! The gas pedal is your friend! Disregard the brakes! They've done nothing but lie to you! More speed! They're shooting at your tires! Hahahah! Excellent! You make me so proud!"
: :
"As disappointed as I am in you for falling such an obvious ploy," Law said later that night, watching the highlights of the spectacular car chase that ended when the car rolled off the freeway and landed roof down into a line of cars in a strip mall parking lot. Sanji lit up the department of motor vehicles booklet he needed to study for his license with the end of his cigarette, and let the entire thing burn atop of the grill he'd used to cook earlier. "...I am rather impressed with how fast you learned."
"I am never getting behind the wheel ever again," Sanji muttered.