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Satoru is tired.
He hates going on long missions alone. He is tired and the trip home is longer than he thought. He is tired but he still has to go back to the higher-ups and report.
He's tired.
Once he arrives at jujutsu tech, Suguru is waiting for him on the stairs that lead to their rooms, playing with a curse he absorbed. He looks like he's fine, but Satoru doesn't need his six eyes to know that it is all just a lie.
I made him worry again, he thinks.
The moment their eyes meet, Suguru makes the curse disappear and gets up, waiting. He waits for Satoru to make the first move, like he always does, never pushing, never pulling.
And Satoru can't help but fall into his embrace, arms strongly wrapped around the other man's torso.
"How bad was it?" is the soft-spoken question, not louder than a whisper, like he is giving Satoru the possibility to ignore it, pretend he didn't hear.
"I don't want to talk about it."
(let me be weak)
"Okay. It's fine"
Suguru rubs small circles on Satoru's back but doesn't move.
"Have you showered yet?"
"Yeah, I’m just tired."
"Let's get you to your room then, okay?"
Satoru is really exhausted. He wants to go to bed and sleep for twenty hours straight. He wants this instant to never end. He wants to drown in Suguru's scent. He wants…
He allows himself to stay in the warmth and safety of Suguru's embrace for a second longer than he would normally do. And Suguru lets him, like he always does.
Then they reluctantly pull away and go to Satoru's room, the space between their bodies almost non-existent.
It has become almost a routine by now. Normally Satoru would lay down, head resting in Suguru's lap as the other man massages his head. They would wait for the pain caused by the prolonged use of his technique to pass, not a word would be spoken. Then, once Satoru falls asleep, Suguru would go back to his room and they would pretend that those moments mean nothing.
This time, however, Satoru is too tired. The pain doesn't matter anymore.
He is tired.
Tired of pretending.
The moment Suguru drops his head and starts leaving, Satoru grabs the other man's writs, stopping him in his tracks.
"Stay."
Suguru looks at him like it's the first time.
"Please"
It's like something shifts in the air around them, and Suguru - who is always so so good to him - sits on the bed again.
Satoru's touch is burning on his wrist and Suguru is sure it will leave a scar, but he doesn't pull away. He can't. This is Satoru after all, and Suguru has never been able to deny him anything.
So, when Satoru pulls him down slowly, he lets himself be dragged, like he's descending to hell and there is nothing he can do about it.
(It surely feels like it by the burning in his chest)
Their faces are inches away, but he doesn't stop. They can taste each other's breaths now. The space between them feels as big and scary as a galaxy, but it has nothing to do with Satoru's technique.
The moment their lips brush, Suguru holds his breath, the universe stills.
But then Satoru is withdrawing, widening the space between them, leaving Suguru to burn alone.
Embarrassment and confusion fill Suguru's mind, but before he can say anything Satoru speaks.
"Why aren't you pulling away?"
Confusion turns into annoyance, and Suguru can't help but slip some venom in his voice.
"Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe I want this? And that's why I didn't move away?"
However, Satoru's expression darkens.
"You shouldn't"
It is all happening too fast. One second, they're both on the bed, closer than they've ever been, and the other Satoru is on his feet, moving around the room. He sounds angry, but not with Suguru, more with himself.
"Fuck. If you've rejected me at least I would've put an end to this."
Suguru pretends it doesn't hurt.
"Just like that? Would it be that easy for you?"
"Okay maybe it would've taken me some time, but at least I would've come to terms with the fact that you didn't want me."
"But I want you."
Suguru is shocked by his own honesty. Satoru is too probably, if the dumbstruck expression he's wearing is of any indication.
"Why?"
"Because it's you. Why should there be another reason?"
"You make it sound so easy."
"It is."
"Not for us. Not when it's me."
Before he realizes it, Suguru is on his feet and walks to Satoru, grabbing his shoulders firmly and looking deeply into his breathtaking eyes. His mind tells him to stop, to retreat, to avert his gaze, to not let the other man read into his soul. But they are way past that.
"Satoru, I don't care about the million things you're probably thinking about right now. Be it your position as head of the Gojo clan or whatever other bureaucratic shit, so stop worrying. I don't want easy. I want you "
It's clear, definitive.
Satoru drops his shoulders in defeat.
"Why are you telling me now? Why did you wait for me to bring it up?" he asks, as if he doesn't know the answer already.
It's because of you. It is always because of you.
"You seemed scared. Every time I tried to convey more through my actions or words you would always back away. So, I stopped trying."
And oh, how stupid has Satoru been, he realizes it now.
"I was scared, i didn't want to believe it." he admits.
Suguru understands the feeling, it's the same fear that chokes him the night before avery mission.
"I am scared too."
"You are?"
"Yeah"
"Why?", Satoru sounds genuinely curious.
"Because we're fucking shamans. Every day of our lives we fight curses. Every other week you leave for some top secret, super dangerous mission and I'm left wondering if the hug I gave you before you left is going to be the last one."
Suguru sounds desperate. Maybe he is. And Satoru can't help but smile.
"If that's what you're worried about, I can promise I will always come back to you Suguru."
His eyes shine with so much sincerity and it's overwhelming. Suguru has to look away.
"Don't." he mumbles "You can't be sure."
"I can, I am."
When did the roles got inverted?
"Suguru, look at me. Give me a reason to come back every time and I will.”
And Suguru has never been able to really deny Satoru, not when the other man is this close, not when he sounds like that. So, he looks back, his eyes landing on the galaxy inside Satoru's irises. He forgets how to breathe for a moment.
What reason can he give to Satoru to always come back? What could be that important?
The answer comes so easily that it’s almost scary.
"I love you Satoru, I don't want to lose you."
Satoru inhales sharply.
"Okay. you won't"
And it's all it takes for Suguru to feel like he can breathe again, oxygen has never tasted this good.
"Aren't you going to say it back?" he asks.
"I can't. Not yet. I want to do it right. I don't want to be scared."
Suguru understands, of course he does.
"It's okay. I can wait."
"Will we be okay?" Satoru sounds hopeful, something many sorcerer don't have the luxury to be.
Suguru smiles, it's so easy.
"Yeah. We're the strongest after all."