Chapter Text
Junhwan is my best friend.
We knew each other before we could even walk. Our mothers are in the same reading circle. Our fathers are senior managers in the same company. We lived in the same neighborhood before we moved to the same fancy, glittering, tall-as-fuck apartment complex.
We've always attended the same schools. We celebrate our March birthdays together. We went to the same taekwondo academy, and we earned our black belts on the same day, one week before we started our second year of middle school. Even when our extracurriculars diverged in high school, when he joined the judo club and I the basketball team, we always try to go to each other's competitions and games. We share pretty much everything—our time, our secrets, our clothing and toys and books and food and even our parents.
Junhwan is my best friend, my constant.
When we hang out together, it feels like home. His laugh uplifts me, and with him standing tall beside me it feels like nothing can bring us down. We know each other too well: all the strengths and faults and likes and dislikes and schedules and habits. We've been joined at the hip for as long as I can remember, and I can't imagine a world where he isn't by my side. Sometimes I feel like I can't find the clear demarcation between his and my self.
My pencil twitches in my grip and suddenly I can't seem to concentrate on the last test marking the end of spring. I glance to my right, where Junhwan is diligently bent over his own answer sheet.
He has a strong profile. His perpetually messy, wavy brown mop of hair hangs in front of his eyes. He's sucking at his bottom lip, a distracting habit of his that I've started noticing a couple years ago. His pen looks tiny in his left hand.
Junhwan is my best friend, the constant in my life, and I can't imagine not loving him.
But something's changed. I think.
He pauses, looks up at me. He gives me that smile of his—the small, crooked one, the really cute one that's completely honest—and I grin back at him before he returns to his test.
I'm looking down too, now, but my eyes refuse to focus on the questions.
Junhwan is my oldest, best friend, and I...I want him. I want him so bad.
Nearly the end of the summer monsoon season, and the weather is still uncomfortably muggy, but the sky is bright and the clouds don't hint at any rain today. In the last couple months, I haven't actually done anything about my extra feelings for Junhwan, except try to block them out, but it's only gotten worse.
It's not just the sudden revelation that I'm...in love with—pining after, attracted to, lusting for, whatever—my best friend. There's guilt mixed in there too, and self-flagellation, and a persistent feeling of wrongness.
I've always been uninterested in girls, and I've come to learn, over the years, that this was deviant behavior. The way my eyes would be helplessly drawn to sharp angles, to lean hips and corded neck muscles, to flat planes instead of ample curves...it wasn't normal. Not entirely wrong, but not right, either. No one around me was like this. At least, they weren't broadcasting it, and I didn't know how to tell if they were.
"Wanna talk about it?" Junhwan asks, grinning brightly, and I stop my train of thought. It's really too nice a day to be dwelling on it anyway.
We're sitting at our usual bench on the highest hill in the park, our backs to the trees and the beach below, waiting to watch the late summer sun sink behind the western hills. It's become something of a ritual for us, timing and weather permitting, ever since we started taking this route home from school.
"Talk about what?"
"Come on, Gyungtae. You're so obviously broody these days it's making me depressed."
I try to give him a real smile. "There's nothing to talk about." I think I failed.
Junhwan's grin melts into his more sincere, crooked smile. His down-turned eyes are unbearably kind. "Gyungtae. You're my best friend."
And that was a big part of the problem, wasn't it?
"Talk to me," he goes on softly, leaning into me and wrapping an arm around my shoulders. It's a familiar and comforting gesture, but now it also makes me tense up. "You know you can tell me anything and I won't judge you. You know I'll always love you."
It's pretty amazing how those words spill out so easily from him still. I've gotten self-conscious about saying it, years back when I figured out I was gay, that I've forced myself to stop.
Still. I try to be lighthearted. "Won't judge, huh? You're such a liar."
Junhwan huffs out a laugh. "Oh sure, sometimes. Everyone's a bit of a liar." His arm tightens for a moment, and then he pulls me down a bit so he can bump his head against my cheek. "But not about serious things. Not when they concern you."
He leans forward to look up into my eyes. I can barely hold his gaze for a few seconds before I have to turn my head away.
"Never when they're bringing down my indomitable best friend."
I stare at my hands, unable to force them to stop fidgeting. They're shaking a little too. Junhwan still has his arm around me, his hand gripping my upper bicep, and it brings me such a profound sense of security.
Fuck. What the hell.
I trust Junhwan. I've always trusted him to stand by me. He hasn't failed me yet.
"...I...I lo—..." It comes out as a hesitant mumble, but I have to finish what I started. Except. I chicken out of the actual confession, and end with a weak, "...I like boys."
"Oh." Junhwan's arm doesn't even twitch. "Is that all?"
"What?!" I pull away, and his hand slides down my back a bit before he props it on the back of the bench. "'Is that a'—! Junhwan...I'm fucked up. I'm not normal! I'm a fucking homo."
"I guess I kind of knew already, but I wanted you to tell me when you were ready."
Whatever else I was going to mindlessly say escapes me then and I deflate. This...was a sudden and easy victory. I settle down, laughing a little. "Damn. Am I...is it really obvious?"
"No, Gyungtae." Junhwan rolls his eyes but his mouth is curved up into that stupid cute smile of his. "Nobody's gonna think you're gay just by looking at you. I just noticed because we do everything together except, you know, admire girls."
"It's called self-discipline, Junhwan. Any guy can tone down that shit."
"Uh huh. That might be a bit of an overestimation. And I've seen the way you look at guys," he teases, casually playing with the short strands of my hair. This is another distracting habit of his. "Now that you're out to me...heh. You're welcome to share your own observations with me."
"Nah, I'll keep it to myself."
He keeps petting my hair for a few more silent moments. I'm content to just sit, right beside my best friend, and enjoy the touch. I should probably feel a bit guilty about this, but...it feels too good.
"Thank you for telling me, Gyungtae."
"...You make all of—of this," I gesture aimlessly, "seem so...inconsequential."
"Gyungtae. You know"—he gently pokes my chest, right above my heart—"that being gay isn't unnatural, whatever some stuffy assholes have to say about it. It's just one part of what makes you who you are, and I love you for it."
The real secret is still festering inside me, but I'm okay with that, I'm okay with everything right now. It feels really fucking good to know, for sure, that Junhwan accepts this—accepts all of me—so wholeheartedly. I don't think I can continue to see myself as some abnormality, not when Junhwan looks at me like he always does, with all his steadfast sincerity and sweetness.
I don't ever want to lose that constancy.
I don't want to lose my best friend, my other half. I don't want to fuck up the stability between us. It scares me that, with one misplaced confession, I almost might have.
Junhwan has his arm around me again. In this humid summer evening, this closeness shouldn't be as pleasant as it is. The sun is halfway set already, and we watch it fully disappear in comfortable silence.
We might play rough with each other, but we don't really get into heated arguments. Any serious competition—any "fight" between us—is physical, never verbal or emotional. This is just our way.
We're tussling around barefoot on the nearly empty beach, the cuffs of our pants rolled up to our knees and drying slowly. It's a bright Sunday in the middle of autumn, but the water isn't cold enough to discourage us from wading into it. The second semester has been pretty busy, with increased schoolwork and the looming stress of college entrance exams next year, and all of that is helping me keep my stupid feelings at bay.
And, oh, is my confidence is peaking lately. I'm conquering my emotions! Being less stupid! It was just a fleeting thing after all. It really is possible to separate the love I have for my best friend from the flighty, insignificant attraction I feel for guys in general. I have everything under control.
I stop thinking, to focus on the match. The wrestling is a fun little break from just about everything, but there are other distractions...
"I got the new game yesterday. You're coming over to play, right?" I ask Junhwan, right before I dart in and grab him.
So, I don't spend every waking hour studying, like responsible high school students should be doing. We've been looking forward to the latest release though—we can't not play it, even though Junhwan kind of sucks at videogames.
Junhwan struggles against my headlock and huffs out, "Can't. Got a date tonight."
What...?
I release him abruptly, before he can use any of his fancy judo moves on me, and he gracelessly topples back onto his ass.
"You never told me."
"Sorry Gyungtae, but we can always play another time! This girl's really sweet," he says, grinning up at me while he brushes sand off his hair.
We're never mean to each other, not really. We don't do confrontation beyond our roughhousing.
Junhwan leans back on his hands, soaking in the sunlight. Oblivious. "And you know I can't turn down a girl, especially one as pretty as—"
We give and give to each other. We concede and we agree. We just don't have fights, that's not our thing. Our friendship has thrived for more than a decade without conflicts like that.
This is why, right now, I feel like I'm being sucked into some alternate reality by the frighteningly sudden wave of an intense emotion I'm not used to. I can't stop myself from interrupting him. "Fine. Go to your stupid date."
"...Gyungtae?"
"You should've told me though."
It's become something of a regular occurrence: girls flocking to Junhwan, some even having the courage to ask him out, and him accepting. Going on casual dates. And who knows what else he does with those girls? I shouldn't be surprised. But he's always let me known beforehand.
"I didn't think I'd need to."
Junhwan's always been popular. Our middle year of high school is almost over, and his popularity's only increased. Girls love his muscles, his handsome face...his cute, easy smile and friendly personality and that soft-spokenness that makes him unthreatening and appealing and— And he really does enjoy the dating scene, seeing as he happily spends time and effort for it. I know how much he likes it, because I took more interest in his love life before I fucked up with my own feelings. Now I separate myself from that part of his life.
"And, you know, it's good for us to do some things without each other. Spend time with ourselves and our other friends."
I try to ignore his dating life, but I'm not so sure it's a smart move, because he really goes on quite a few dates, and these days it feels increasingly like he...like I'm losing him. Or something. And it's not a good feeling.
"Yeah. I know that. Fuck."
Okay. Maybe I don't have everything under control. I'm still hopelessly in love with Junhwan. I'm still feeling things that are scaring me, making me lose control over myself. The momentum behind all the strange and familiar emotions is growing and I can't stop it.
"I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry for monopolizing your time, Junhwan!"
What am I doing?
"You're only my best friend!"
Junhwan is looking up at me with wide eyes. "She's...Gyungtae, it's just a little date. She's just some random girl."
He picks himself up off the sand. There's pressure still building up inside me.
"And you don't care about who, or even whether I date. That's why I didn't bother telling you this time." He's keeping his voice soft, calm. He's smiling. "Hah, and you know my mom's always pushing me about meeting girls." Junhwan's trying to be playful about all this.
"Yeah. Whatever." What the fuck am I doing? "I'm going home."
"Gyungtae? Hey, just, wait a sec—"
I wrench my arm out of his grasp and shove him back.
"Fuck off. Go on your date, go hang out with your other friends."
I barely remember to grab my shoes, and then I'm running.
It must be shock or something. There's nothing in my head. Nothing but the rhythmic pounding of my feet on concrete, grass, asphalt, brick curbs and polished tiles. Before I know it, I'm jogging up the 20 flights of stairs up to my home. My head and heart are pounding madly, and not entirely from the sudden workout.
Mom's not home yet, good. I throw myself on the bed, catch my breath until I'm rational enough to actually process my thoughts.
The clock ticks on noisily while my heartbeat slows down.
...It was such an ugly emotion I'd felt back there. I didn't know I was capable of feeling that kind of absurdly deep jealousy, so strongly and so fully.
Well. Fuck.
That had been stupid. And petty. And utterly fucking irrational. I stuff my pillow into my face until I can't breathe.
Then I automatically check my phone and the messages that Junhwan has, of course, sent me. It takes me a minute to absorb the fact that he cancelled his date. And was coming over right now.
What the fuck NO, is my immediate reaction.
For some wild reason, I can't face him, not now. I just don't have the courage to look at him again—
I have other friends too. A few of whom I could definitely impose on for a night or two. After sending off a couple texts, I stuff some clothes and my toothbrush into my duffel bag and run out the door.
Sometimes I'm a coward. It doesn't even hurt to admit it, when it comes to Junhwan.
"Uhhh, did you and Junhwan have a fight or something?"
I don't bother answering. My head is filled with thoughts about how to avoid Junhwan, and I'm too caught up with actually avoiding his attempts to catch my gaze.
After staying over at a friend's house, and then skipping all of school yesterday before sleeping over at another friend's house, I felt guilty and a bit too anxious to skip again today. There's an exam today too, and I've never made it a habit to miss those. I'd come to class with only a minute to spare and forced a classmate to switch seats with me, so that I'm at the back of the room and not sitting next to Junhwan. Some semblance of distance, I think, makes it so much easier to not accidentally talk and embarrass myself again with him...
I've done a good job of ignoring him up until I settled into the unfamiliar desk, but then there's a lapse and I look up briefly and—oh. Oh no.
I can't look him in the eyes. I just can't. Especially not when he looks so fucking sad, with his wide eyes and an uncharacteristic downturn of his lips, and all because I was a stupidly jealous dumbass. His expression is making my chest ache, and everything is just...impossible.
I bury my head in my arms, resolutely, and keep my head down through the rest of the lesson.
Only a few hours later, my resolve crumbles to nothing.
I really can't bear it anymore: the silence I forced between us, the looks he keeps giving me, the guilt eating away at my conscience.
I need to make things right between us, because everything right now feels too surreal, off-balance, wrong. But...I use the excuse of a pre-season basketball club meeting to delay the reconciliation, just a little longer. After the meeting, which I paid zero attention to, I take my time exiting the school grounds before setting my feet on a familiar path. It's the same route we always take, the easy two-mile walk through our park, but today it feels like my feet are mired in sand and every step I take is exhausting.
When I see the solid outline of Junhwan's back, slouched over on our bench, I feel more relieved than anything. Which, now in the clarity of thought I've regained, doesn't really make sense. Because I know for a fact that Junhwan will always be there.
I drag my body over and sit next to him. We don't say anything until the sun is fully hidden behind the skyline. I take a deep breath, but I don't get the chance to speak first.
"I missed you yesterday."
"Junhwan, I'm sorry." We're not looking at each other. The tension in my shoulders is uncomfortable. "I don't know what came over me. It was all...really stupid."
I finally look at him. He's biting his lip, but otherwise he doesn't look so dejected anymore. Seeing his lightened expression brings back my own smile.
"I'm sorry I took so long to apologize."
"And I'm sorry for—"
"Don't. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm...I'm also sorry you bailed on your date because of me. Could you give my apologies to the girl?"
"Sure." Junhwan straightens up, finally gives me his crooked smile. "I'll do that if it'll make you feel better."
Before I can react, his arms are wrapped tight around me, and he's laughing into the collar of my shirt. All the tension and misery and stupid anxieties of the past couple days leave me in a rush.
"Here you are, worrying about some girl neither of us know, while I was agonizing over the possibility you might never come back into my arms again." He sighs loudly.
"Junhwan..."
It's like coming home. Fuck. It really hasn't even been two days. It's so...so pathetic, but I'd missed all this—missed him—so much. His casual touches, his affectionate teasing, his warmth, the sheer solidity he provides me. I...need to stop thinking like this, but I can't.
"Stop being silly, Junhwan. I'm trying to be serious here."
"I'm being serious, too, Gyungtae," he whispers, and I can hear the smile in those words.
He doesn't let go of me until a while later. I don't mind. And now it's like everything's returned to normal.
Yeah.
I don't want to lose any of this.
Normalcy. Peace. Familiarity and comfort. There's no reason to disturb the perfect equilibrium of our friendship. Not with my own lack of control, and especially not with pointless fights born from such a shitty emotion like jealousy of all things. That belongs nowhere near our relationship. I need things to be normal, and calm. I need Junhwan to remain as my constant.
Gyungtae & Junhwan 